Author's Note: Hello All, and welcome to Chapter 40! Can you believe it, wow I am in amazement that I have come this far. In all reality I owe to everyone of you who have encouraged me to keep it going, and especially to my inspiration for Jade! Thank you for loving me and this story and for always being the one that I could bounce ideas off of, and brainstorm with, you totally rock my socks :D Anydoodles, on with the good stuff....I hope you all dont hate me too much after this chapter. If you do, I totally understand, all I can do is promise you it gets better haha. Anyways, please read. enjoy. and review. Please review, I need as much feedback as I can get so I know exactly what direction to take this in. Love ya guys, and here it is the long awaited, Chapter 40 :D
Chapter 40: A Hand To Take Hold Of
" 'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?"-Anonymous
Jasper's Pov
" Jasper," a soft voice calls to me from the door way of my room. I don't answer. What's the point? "Dinner's ready."
" I'm not hungry," I whisper out, and I cringe against the pain.
" Jazz," the voice says again, and I sit up and see Rosalie staring at me. Her eyes swollen from the constant fury of tears that we have all been plagued with. " You have to eat something."
" I said I wasn't hungry," I say, clenching my teeth tight.
" You have to eat. Damn it Jasper, Ana," I shoot a glance at her from my bed.
" Don't say her name," I whisper out. Rosalie walks slowly towards me sitting carefully on the edge of the bed.
" She wouldn't want you to get sick. You haven't eaten in days, and slept even less," she says, and I stare straight ahead picking a spot on the wall to concentrate on.
" Fine, if it will get you off my ass I'll eat," I say getting to my feet, leaving her behind. I walk slowly down the stairs into the kitchen. Its eerily silent, not even Emmett is talking. Everyone sits around the table, pushing the food around on their plates, pretending to have an appetite. So many emotions swarming around the room it leaves me almost breathless. I sit at the table, staring at the empty chair across from me. No one will sit in that chair. It was Ana's favorite chair. I don't know how many times I would watch her as she studied. Sitting in that chair, one knee pulled to her chest, twirling her hair around her finger lazily as she read. I close my eyes taking a deep breath to steady the onslaught of my emotions. Everyone's emotions are the same, an overwhelming grief, but one persons stands out the most. Jade's grief, edged with an undeniable anger. I watch as she pushes away from the table, getting ready to walk from the room.
" Why don't you just say it Jade?" I ask, looking over at her. Confusion fills her teary eyes.
" What are you talking about?" Jade asks, wrapping her arms tightly around herself.
" I can feel it. Your angry. Your angry at me, and you blame me, so just say it. In fact why don't all of you just say what you have been wanting to say for the last few days and be done with it," I ask, my voice icy as I choke out the words.
" Jasper, no one is angry with you. This was out of everyone's control. It was a horrible accident, and Ana, she wouldn't want any of us to blame you or ourselves," Alice says softly, reaching a hand out to me. I clench my teeth at the sound of her name.
" It is my fault. It was all my fault and none of you are willing to admit it, but I am. I know that Ana would be sitting right here with us if it weren't for me," I say, pushing violently away from the table and rushing out of the room. I take the stairs two at a time even as they call my name behind me. I stand staring at Ana's bedroom door, trying to find the strength within myself to open it. I rest my hand against the wood and push it open slowly. I am surrounded by her scent. I close my eyes against the rush of love that races through me. I walk slowly to her bed, sitting carefully on the edge. I pull her pillow into my lap, burying my face in it. I breathe in as much of her scent as I can, trying to pull as much of her into myself as I can. I look up to see Jade sitting next to me, her eyes red and full of tears. She holds out the gift Ana gave to me.
" I found this, in the trash outside," Jade whispers, as she wraps my hands around it. I stare down at the glass that has a picture of Ana and me etched into it carefully. It's beautiful. She was beautiful that night. The night she dressed up as Juliet and everything was so easy. She was so full of life and in my arms the whole night. I run my fingers over the words etched at the bottom. 'The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.'
" She wouldn't want you to blame yourself Jasper. Nobody blames you," she says, and I look at her trying to make her understand how much I wish that they would blame me, just like I blame myself.
" I miss her so much Jade, its unbearable. I cant breathe," I say, clutching the etched picture of me and Ana to my chest. Jade wraps her arms around me and I cling to her as we both cry out our broken heart. When the tears stop coming I am left with nothing. Left feeling hollow, and alone.
Jade's POV
" I never imagined life without you Ana. Funny right? I have always been the logical one, always saying that no one lives forever. But you weren't supposed to die. You had dreams, huge and wonderful dreams. And you should have been given the chance to see them all come true. God, I miss you," I say, as I sit cross legged in front of Ana's grave. " If I could just know that you were okay, I think I would be able to move on." I close my eyes and feel the sun beat down on my face. Ana would have been twenty one today. Its been almost two months since the accident, almost two months since Ana slipped away and couldn't find her way back, and still it seems like this all happened yesterday. The pain is just as overwhelming and all consuming. I open my purse and pull out a small bottle of vodka with a pink ribbon tied in a bow around the neck of the bottle. " Your mom will probably kill me for this, but hell, your twenty one now, so, here's to you." I place the bottle right next to the head stone before pushing to my feet. I stand staring down at the grave for a minute, my arms wrapped tightly around me.
" You know Jade, I always new that you were a big softie, you just would never admit it" a soft voice comes from behind me and I whirl around recognizing that voice anywhere. Ana. She stands before me, her long blonde hair blowing softly in the February breeze, and her green eyes sparkling with humor.
" Ana, oh my God, Ana," I whisper out tears thickening my throat. I stumble to her, wrapping my arms tightly around her.
" Jade, you said you would be able to move on if you knew I was okay," she says, pulling away from me, smiling broadly. She reaches up and places her hands on my face. " I'm okay."
" Ana, please, you have to say. I lied. You know I wont be okay, not without you. No one is okay without you. Emmett hasn't cracked a smile in almost two months, and Alice and Rose are wasting away, Edward is miserable, and Jasper. God Ana, Jasper is a mess," I say, the words rushing out of me.
" Jade. You were the best friend a girl could ever have. Everyone will be okay, but you have to be strong now. I don't want you to give up any of your dreams just because I'm not there. I will always be there, I will never leave you, any of you. But all of this crying and mourning, its useless. I want you all to go, and be happy. Live your lives Jade, tell the people who matter that they matter, and don't ever pass up the chance to say I love you, because sometimes its too late," she says, running a hand over my hair.
" Ana, please, don't go. I, I'm scared," I say, tears running hotly down my cheeks. I swallow harshly. Admitting I ws afraid of something has never been easy, but its the only way that I can think of to get Ana to come back, as if all of my pleading can turn back the hands of time and bring someone back from the dead.
" Scared? Of what?" she asks, a look of confusion distorting her peaceful demeanor.
" All of it, of doing all of this without you," I say, and a soft smile forms on her lips.
" Its okay Jade, your never going to be alone, I promise," she says, hugging me softly and just as quickly as she appeared, she disappeared.
" Jade, you okay?" Edward asks, looking at me closely.
" Did you see her?" I ask, and Edward looks at me blankly.
" See who?" he asks, and I shake my head.
" Never mind," I say, wrapping my arm around his waist as he leads me away. I cast one final look over my shoulder, and catch a final glimpse of Ana. I should be sad, but something inside of me shifts and the weight is lifted, and I feel almost like its all going to be okay.
Jasper's POV
I wake up startled. The dream felt so real, I'm half expecting to find myself asleep in Ana's bed, her pillow and our picture clutched to my chest. I breathe a small sigh of relief when I realize that I am still in the hospital. I sit up slowly, stretching. Two o'clock in the morning. I run my hands over my face, before quietly getting to my feet. I slip out of the waiting room and make my way to Jade's room. I stand outside and watch as Edward watches over Jade.
" Hey," I say, knocking softly on the door. Edward looks up at me, smiling slightly.
" Hey. The doctor said that if she is doing this well come tomorrow morning, they'll release her," Edward whispers as I move to sit next to him.
" That's good. They said the same thing about Alice," I say, watching Jade as she sleeps.
" What about Ana? Any change?" he asks, and I shake my head.
" No," I whisper out, and I sigh heavily. " I'm scared Edward."
" I know, we all are. Listen, I know you probably want to get to Ana's room, but I need to get something to drink. Do you mind sitting with Jade for a minute?" he asks, and I nod simply. " Thanks." I watch as he presses a kiss softly to Jade's forehead before leaving the room. Its silent in the room, not a sound to be heard.
" You dreamt about Ana didn't you?" a soft voice asks and I turn to find Jade awake and staring at me with haunting eyes.
" Yeah, how did you know?" I ask pulling my chair closer to the bed.
" Because I dreamt about her too," Jade says, pushing herself up.
" She died. And I was at her grave site on her birthday, and she appeared. Not like freaky ghost appearing, she looked alive, she felt alive. I begged her to stay, but all she told me was that she never going to leave me, or any of us," she says, closing her eyes on a fresh bout of tears. " What do you think it means Jasper? Do you think Ana is going to die?" I cringe at the thought of having to live the rest of my life without Ana.
" No, I don't think Ana is going to die, maybe this was just the universes way of showing us what our lives would be like without her," I say, leaning forward to wipe a tear from Jade's cheek.
" How was your life looking without her?" she asks, looking at me soberly.
" I couldn't handle it, Jade. The dream, it felt so real. The grief, the guilt, all of it. I can't even begin to wrap my head around the thought of her being gone," I say, shuddering at the thought.
" Then can I just say as her best friend, and as your friend. Stop being so stupid. If this accident has taught me anything, its that time is too short. You have to stop running away from Ana, Jasper, but more importantly you have to stop running from yourself," she says, taking my hand tightly in hers. We sit there for a while, in silence, until Edward comes back into the room.
" Your awake," Edward says, setting his coffee down so that he can hug Jade.
" I'm going to see Ana," I say, walking to the door. I turn to look at Jade one more time. " Thanks." She just nods her head and I leave the room, to make my way to Ana.
I walk silently down the hallway, half-heartedly smiling to nurses and doctors who recognize me. I stop outside of Ana's room, staring at her for a minute. Still gone, still peaceful. I walk into her room and pull up a chair as close to her bed as I can get. I take her hand in mine.
" Ana," I whisper out. " I dreamt about you. So did Jade. Only we dreamt that you were gone, that you fell away from us and couldn't find your way back to us. I think I realize why I had that dream, Ana. Jade, she uh, she told me to stop being stupid when it comes to you. To stop running from you, and to stop running from myself. That's a smart best friend you have there, because she's right. Ana," I say, pulling the railing on the bed down so that I can climb into the bed with her. I situate myself next to her, burying my face into her neck, breathing her in. " Ana, I love you. I think I've loved you from the moment that I saw you standing in the kitchen and yelled at you for parking in my spot. I know that I have done nothing but push you away for the last few months, but I swear if you just come back to me Ana, come back to all of us, I promise you that I will be different. Please, just show me a small sign that you can hear me, that your still here. You know what, I'll make you a deal. If wherever you are, your scared, and lost, I'm holding my hand out to you. All you have to do is take it and I will help bring you back. Just take hold of me." I wait holding my breath for any sign that she is here. Nothing happens. I swallow the lump in my throat and start to get up from the bed when a soft tug on my sleeve catches my attention. I look down and see Ana's hand holding onto my shirt. I look up at her face and her eyes start fluttering.
" Oh God, Ana, come on baby, open your eyes," I say, staring down at her pushing whatever life force I have towards her, any strength I can gather is for her. Her eyes open slowly, blinking heavily, until the are open all the way.
" Hold on okay, just hold on. Keep your eyes open," I say, backing from the room. I run down the hall to the nurses station. " She's awake, Ana's awake," I yell at the nurse who picks up the phone right away to call the doctor. I run to Jade's room next, panting as I slam into Edward.
" Whoa, slow down, what's going on?" Edward asks, and I have to put a buckle on my emotions.
" Ana's awake, she's awake," I say, and I hear Jade start crying, burying her face in her hands.
" Are you serious?" Edward asks, and I nod my head.
" I have to find her Mom, you tell Alice, Em, and Rose," I say, dashing from the room again. I wait impatiently outside of the elevator, cursing it silently. The doors slide open slowly and Ana's mom stands on the other side of the doors, holding a book tightly to her chest.
" Jasper," she smiles at me as she walks towards me.
" Jennifer," I say, my emotions finally breaking down.
" What is it? Is it Ana? Is something wrong?" she asks, her voice shaking slightly.
" She's awake," I whisper out as she grabs me into a tight hug. I walk with her, helping support her weight as we make our way to Ana's room. The doctor we have come to know as Dr. Collins stands over Ana murmuring softly to her. She nods her head at whatever he says.
" Ana," her mother whispers out. The doctor moves so that Ana can see her. She closes her eyes, tears rolling silently down her cheeks.
" Oh my sweet girl," Jennifer says, walking into the room gathering her into a hug.
" Miss. Benson, I was just explaining to Ana, that we will need to keep her on the respirator for at least another twelve hours to ensure that her lungs are strong enough so that she can breath on her own," Dr. Collins says, and Jennifer wraps him in a hug.
" Thank you," Jennifer whispers before letting him go to turn her attention back on Ana.
" Dr. Collins, there aren't enough words to express," I start saying, and he just chuckles slightly raising his hand.
" I didn't do it. She did it, and so did you. Whatever you said, must have been enough for her to come back for," Dr. Collins says, patting my on the shoulder before leaving the room.
" Jasper, I have to go see Jade, convince the nurses to let me bring her to see Ana," Jennifer says wiping her cheeks furiously.
" Go, I'll stay," I say, waiting until she is out of the room to turn back to Ana. I sit next to her, and see that she has a pen and pad of paper with her. She writes something down, and turns the paper towards me.
'Hi.'
" Hi," I say back. She turns back to write something else.
' I heard everything, everything that you've said.' I read it and smile glad that she heard me.
" I was hoping that you would hear me," I say, running a finger down her cheek.
'Did you mean it?' she writes down.
" Every single word of it," I whisper, pressing a kiss to her hand. She drops the pen and pad, reaching out for me. I hug her closely, my head buried into her hair.
" I have missed you so much. I love you Ana," I say, resting my forehead against hers. Funny isn't it? How it takes almost permanently losing someone to make you realize just how much your life would be missing if they were gone. I am not a perfect person, but I will spend the rest of my life proving to Ana that I am the perfect person for her, even if it kills me.