Authors Note: Hello Everyone, and welcome back to ICFY! Sorry for the long time away, I have just been super busy, and I hate to admit, I had a severe case of writers block. SO I hope that you all like this chapter and if you dont please tell me. Well tell me either way, whether you like it or not. Anyways, Twilight and/or its characters are not mine, However the awesomeness that is Ana and Jade are all mine! Read, Enjoy, and REVIEW! Thanks everyone :D
Chapter 41: I Wont Be Alone
" Your body is free but your heart is in prison. To release your heart, you simply reverse the process which locked it up. First you begin to listen for messages from your heart-messages you may have been ignoring since childhood. Next you must take the daring, risky step of expressing your heart in the outside world. As you learn to live by heart, every choice you make will become another way of telling your story. It is the way you were meant to exist. If you stop to listen, you'll realize that your heart has been telling you so all along,"- Melody Beattie, Finding Your Own North Star.
I lay in my hospital bed, watching the snow drift silently outside the window. I have been off the breathing tube for a little over a day, and feeling pretty good, except for the sore throat which as the doctr said, was to be expected.
" You still awake pretty girl?," my mother's soft voice floats through the room. I roll over and see her standing in the door way, looking well rested.
" Yeah," I whisper out, wincing slightly as I try to swallow. She rushes forward and spoons up some ice for me to suck on.
" How are you feeling? The nurse said you got really tired when you went for your walk," she says, and I nod.
" I didn't know I would feel this tired," I say, sighing with the relief that the ice offered my throat.
" The doctor said you would be out of it for a while love," she says, fluffing the pillow behind me.
" I know, I just didn't want to be one of those people who would be this tired. I want to be the one that beats the odds, on all levels," I say, laying back, closing my eyes.
" Honey, the doctor also told me that you refused to talk to the counselor," she says, and I roll my eyes. I don't need a counselor, I don't want a counselor.
" I don't need to talk to a counselor Mom. What I need is to go home, to Seattle. I need to be around my friends, and I need to get back to a routine," I say, my voice growing frustrated.
" Honey," she starts, " I can't begin to understand what you went through, but you need to talk to someone about it. And its only a few more days that you have to be in here."
" I know Mom, and I will talk to someone, when I am ready too. I'm just tired of all of this Mom, the wires, the iv's, the nurses constantly coming in to check on me," I say, throwing my hands up in frustration. " I want my own room, my own bed, and my clothes. I want something familiar."
" Okay, okay. Just close your eyes and get some rest pretty girl, everyone will be here later," she says, running her hands loving over my hair. I close my eyes and feign sleep. I haven't been able to sleep since the moment that I opened my eyes again. I listen as she gets up and leaves the room, before I curl back up onto my side to stare out of the window.
" So how excited are you to be coming home?" Jade asks as she helps me slide my shoes on, while Alice works to braid my hair for me.
" More than anyone could ever understand," I say as I flex my toes in my shoes. A soft knock on the door draws my attention and a nurse comes in carrying papers.
" Please tell me those are my discharge papers," I say, not bothering to hide my apparent enthusiasm.
" Yes they are," she says, handing them to me to sign. I sign them quickly, and hop up off the bed.
" Hold on there missy, hospital policy. You have to ride to your car in a wheel chair," she says, and I roll my eyes.
" Aww, come on," I say, sitting down grumpily into the chair. I bounce my knee nervously as Jade wheels me out of the hospital and into the cold. I smile at Emmett as he pushes off the car and comes towards me.
" Ana-banana," Emmett says, wrapping a strong arm around me as he helps me out of the chair.
" Emmy," I say, wrapping my arms around him. I let a few tears slide down my cheeks as Emmett holds me close.
" I missed you half-pint," he says, and I sniffle loudly.
" I missed you more," I say, sliding into the car easily. I strap into my seat belt and lay my head back against the seat.
" You ready to go home?" Emmett asks from behind the wheel.
" Yes," I answer simply as he starts the car. I look at the hospital one last time and thank my lucky stars that I am alive. I close my eyes and drift into an inevitable sleep.
I shiver against the cold and pray for the pain to stop. The burning in my chest rips at me, and the water is so cold that I wish it would just end. I scream out for help, but I'm alone, no one around to hear me. Someone shakes me awake, and I open my eyes quickly panting for breathe.
" Ana, are you okay?" Jade asks, looking at me closely. I sit up and look around. The familiar sight of our house in view.
" Yeah, bad dream, that's all," I whisper out, unbuckling my seat belt. Rosalie, my mom, Edward, and Jasper are all standing outside in the snow smiling as I slowly make my way from the car to the house. I am enveloped in warm hugs, Jasper being the last to wrap his arms around me. I close my eyes and breath him in.
" Welcome home," he whispers in my ear as he leads me into the house. I smile broadly as I sink into a chair in the living room.
" Oh sure she's home for all of thirty seconds and she takes over my chair," Emmett says, making everyone burst out in laughter. I laugh so hard that tears start streaming down my face, I'm not entirely sure why I found it so funny, but I laugh nonetheless.
" Do you want anything?" Rosalie asks, and I nod.
" I would kill for a hot shower, and a really big pizza," I say, and everyone laughs around me.
" Well, I'm sure Jade and Alice can help you upstairs, and I will order some pizzas," Rosalie says. I get up and hug her tightly, before turning to walk up the stairs. Jade and Alice both brace a hand on my back as they help me get up the stairs. I walk into the bathroom and stop to sit on the side of the bath tub.
" Thanks guys, but I think I got it from here," I say, smiling at them both.
" Okay, well, we will be close so if you need help just call for us," Jade says, closing the door behind her and Alice. I smile to myself as I pull back the shower curtain. I start the water and adjust it to as hot as I can stand. I strip off my clothes and step under the spray, closing my eyes as the water cascades over me. A flash of the car falling headfirst into the river flashes before my eyes causing me to jump in surprise and shock. I press a hand to my heart, shaking slightly. I quickly wash my hair, and snap off the water. Wrapping myself tightly in a towel, I slide shakily against the wall pulling my knees to my chest. I must be going crazy. Why else would I be having nightmares, or flashes of the accident every time I close my eyes. A soft knock on the bathroom door causes me to jump slightly.
" Ana, you okay?" Alice's worried voice comes from the other side. I stand up slowly and open the door, fixing a small smile on my face.
" Yeah, sorry, I just got a bit woozy. Probably from not being able to walk for so long," I say, shuffling past her and into my room. I sit on the edge of the bed and breath in deeply. It seems like its been forever since I have been home, and I close my eyes against a fresh stream of tears. I open my eyes smiling, happy to be in my room, on my bed.
" You have the same look on your face that I did when I was finally sent home," Alice says, pulling out a pair of pink sweat pants and a t-shirt for me to wear.
" Do I?" I ask, smiling when she hands me the clothes.
" Yeah you do. You know Ana, I never got to say I'm sorry," she starts saying and I am thoroughly confused by this.
" Sorry for what?" I ask, slipping into my clothes when she turns around politely. I run the towel over my head and sit back down on the bed. I watch as she turns back around, playing nervously with the necklace around her neck.
" I didn't see it coming Ana, and I should have. You, me, Jade, we almost died because I didn't see it coming," she says, tears clouding her eyes.
" Oh Alice, that wasn't your fault," I say, getting up slowly to wrap her in a hug. She hugs me back tightly before a knock on the door causes us to pull away from each other.
" Hey, the pizza's here if you guys are ready to eat," Jasper says from the door way.
" Oh thank God, I am starving," I say, laughing easily as Alice and I walk from the room arm and arm.
" Ugh, I am officially stuffed," I say, pushing my plate away from me.
" Should be, you ate a whole pizza to yourself," Emmett says, messing my hair up playfully.
" Did I really? Oops, well that's what happens when all you get for almost two weeks is I.v fluids and disgusting broth," I say, shuddering at the memory of just how gross the hospital food was.
" Was the food really all that bad?" my mom asks, and I nod grimacing at her.
" Mom you have no idea," I say, sipping from my glass of Pepsi.
" Well kids, I'm done in for the night, I think I am going to head to bed. I'm sure all of you have some catching up to do," my mom says, and I get up walking with her to her room.
" Mom, are you sure you have to leave tomorrow?" I ask, watching as she finishes putting things in her suitcase.
" Yes sweet girl, I do. I have to get back to work, and you have a life to get back to living. So don't worry over me leaving, you just worry about getting strong again," she says kissing my forehead before lightly pushing me out of the room.
" Good night," I say, hugging her tightly.
" Good night sweet girl," she says before closing the door silently.
I walk slowly down the hall towards the sound of the voices coming from the living room.
" So what's the plan for tonight guys?" I ask from the door way. Emmett smiles up at me.
" We were thinking movies," Emmett says, holding up a few DVD cases for me to see.
" Sounds good to me, I'll pop the popcorn," I say, walking slowly into the kitchen.
" I'll help you," Jasper says, walking into the kitchen behind me.
" You don't have to do that," I say, reaching up for the popcorn box. Jasper easily leans over me and pulls the box from the cabinet.
" I know that I don't have to, I want too," he says, handing me a package of popcorn.
" Okay," I say, putting the popcorn into the microwave. Jasper and I haven't talked much since I woke up. I heard every word and promise that he said to me, but for some reason it's almost as if there is some wall there now. Like I want to give my heart, just don't know how. I stand and watch the microwave, listening to the popcorn pop loudly.
" Ana, are you okay?" he suddenly asks, and I turn to look at him while I pull the hot bag out of the microwave.
" Yeah, why?" I ask, pouring the contents of the bag into a big bowl. I
" I don't know, you just seem so," he starts saying but he is cut off by Emmett and Jade yelling for us to hurry up.
" The masses are calling," I say as I grab my glass of water and bowl of popcorn. I brush past him feeling somewhat guilty for shutting him out the way that I am.
" Help me, someone please help me," I scream out sitting up straight panting for air. I blink my eyes slowly and look around. Everyone fell asleep in the living room in the middle of our movie fest. I shake compulsively, wiping the sweat from my face.
" Ana?" Jade's sleepy voice calls to me. I start crying uncontrollably fighting with the blanket wrapped around me. I stumble to the stairs walking as quick as I can, crying all the way into my room. I flip on the light and shut the door behind me before falling onto my bed. I curl onto my side and soon the bedroom door opens. Alice and Jade both lay next to me on the bed, silently waiting for me to say something.
" I think I'm going crazy. Everytime I close my eyes, I see the accident. Only this time I am by myself and no one was there to help me. I'm afraid to go to sleep, because I am afraid that this is all a dream and that I'm really dead," I sob out, clutching Jade's hand.
" Honey, you aren't going crazy," Jade says, and I cry until there are no more tears to cry and I can barely keep my eyes open.
" Will you guys stay with me?" I ask, and they both mumble in agreement. I fall into the darkness of my nightmares surrounded by two of my best friends, afraid that I wont wake up.
I wake up, my eyes burning. I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding. I'm alive. I sit up and look around and see that Jade and Alice are both already up and out of bed. I stare out of the window before getting up to get dressed. I walk slowly down the stairs, the murmuring of voices in the kitchen catches my attention.
" You guys, she is seriously terrified. She said she's been having flashbacks, and nightmares, all typical signs of post traumatic stress disorder," Jade says, and I feel my eyes widen.
" Morning everyone," I say, sailing into the kitchen, fixing a smile on my face. " How did everyone sleep? I slept beautifully." I notice everyone stop and stare at me.
" Ana, please come and sit down," my mom says, pulling a chair out for me. I sit down cautiously.
" Jade told us that you had a bad night last night, and she has been doing some research. Honey you have post traumatic stress disorder, and you need to talk to someone about it so that it doesn't get worse," mom says gently, brushing the hair from my shoulder. I feel something boiling up inside of me. A trembling starting somewhere in the pit of my stomach.
" I'm fine, I had a bad dream, nothing less, nothing more," I say through clenched teeth.
" Ana, listen, I know that you think that we'll think your crazy, but you went through something immensely traumatic, you need to get help," Rosalie says reaching for my hand. I clench my fist tightly.
" Since when do you guys get to make decisions for me and my life? I went through it, not any of you. SO just butt out, I will get help when I decide that its time for me to get help," I say, getting up from my seat.
" Ana, you aren't the only one who went through this," Alice whispers, looking at me.
" I know Alice, you and Jade, you guys went through it too. That's what makes this hurt more, you guys should understand. This discussion is over," I say, walking out of the kitchen.
I sit silently in the car as Jasper drives me and my mom to the airport. Part of me feels so guilty for snapping at everyone the way that I did. I know that they love me, and that they worry, but at the same time, it isn't their life. It's mine, and I should be able to make my own decisions by now. Jasper silently parks the car and I step out helping my mom with her luggage. I walk side by side with her as we make our way into the airport. I stand to the side as she checks in and gets her boarding pass.
" Ana, you know that I love you. I know that you were blindsided this morning when everyone was sitting around, but you have to understand how much we all love and care about you. You know that you need help, but you have to do it your way, I can respect that. Just promise me that you will get the help Ana," she says, looking at me seriously, tears shining in her eyes.
" I promise," I say, hugging her tightly. " I love you Mom."
" I love you too sweet girl. I have to go," she says pulling away from me, brushing a kiss against my cheek. " You take care of her."
" I will," Jasper says, hugging my mother good bye. I watch as she walks through security and disappears around the corner. I walk back to the car with Jasper, silent as the tears fall down my cheeks. I slide into the car and watch as Jasper climbs in and starts the car.
" Ana," he says, " I know that I don't understand completely what you went through, but the rest of us, the ones who weren't fighting for their lives, were just as affected in our own right. We had to sit helpless, praying that you guys would be okay. Please, I almost lost you once Ana, don't shut me out now," he says, looking at me a pained look on his face.
" I'm sorry Jasper, I know how hard it must have been for you, I've been there after all. I just, I cant do this with you, not now," I whisper, tears sliding down my cheeks. " Just take me home." I turn my body so that my back is to him and stare out of the window, watching as the surroundings flash by us, not saying a word.
I stare at the papers that were left for me on my bed. All the information that anyone could ever need about P.T.S.D stares back at me. My first thought is to ball it up and throw it away, but it catches my attention. I sit down and read them all. It was me in essence. The fear, the anger, the pain. All of it. I walk down stairs in search of everyone. I see that they are all congregated in the kitchen eating left over pizza and talking. The room grows silent when I walk in. I clutch onto the papers left for me and look around. I swallow harshly, trying to find the words.
" I, uhm, I know that you guys were trying to help earlier. And I'm sorry that I snapped the way I did. Its just, I don't know how to handle all of this, and I am going to need a lot of help," I say, tears choking me.
" That's what we're here for," Jade says, stepping forward to grab me into a hug. I bury my head into her neck and feel everyone else join in on the moment. I don't know how long its going to take me to get back to normal, or whatever sense of normal that I can find, all I know is that I am going to fight like hell to get there, and I wont be fighting alone.