Chapter 5: Things to be thankful for. Thanksgiving Day, 2008

Warning: This chapter has references to miscarriage (early first term.) I've posted a short summary at the end of this chapter if you'd like to skip over the details, vague though they are. I experienced a late second term miscarriage six years ago and know that I still have memories and strong emotions triggered easily under the right conditions.

I slammed the door to the closet for the third time and then sat down in the chair beside the dresser.

"Fuck!"

I ran my fingers through my hair. It did not relieve any of my tension, nor did pinching the bridge of my nose. I dropped the hand as soon as I caught myself doing my childhood habit. I tried a new approach.

"Bella, will you please come out of the bathroom?"

No answer.

"Bella, love, if you don't come out, I will take the door off and come in."

"The hinges are on this side." Her voice was broken with small sobs that broke my heart.

"Please, let me in."

I heard the sink run and then Bella came out, the red smears gone from her hands. Her pants were in the sink which was nearly overflowing with water. She let me take her into my arms and stood there crying.

"I'm sorry, love." I could not think what else to say. Bella was a week late and had taken a test the day after her period was due. It came back positive.

We were at my parents today for Thanksgiving dinner when Bella began to cramp and then to spot. Carlisle and Esme were there for dinner, along with Alice and Jasper, and Doctor Cullen had Bella go put her feet up right away. By the time we tracked down some regular Tylenol for her, the cramping had increased until she was curled up in a ball on my childhood bed.

Carlisle wanted to take her into the hospital to run tests, but we all knew what was wrong. She didn't want to go to the ER so she settled for Carlisle's clinic. It was closed for the day but Carlisle was willing to let us in and use the ultrasound. The news wasn't good. All we could do was go back to my parents' and wait. Bella was not ready to return to our home.

I called Emmett and Rose who said they would get Jake and Leah to watch the kids and be down as soon as she could get the leftovers put away. Me, I was and am still numb. I had only had six days of impending fatherhood before it was taken away. I was not attached the idea yet, despite my excitement.

We had not been trying, perhaps that is the difference. Bella had been on antibiotics for an ear infection, and when she was feeling better, we had used a condom during intercourse. We just did not see that our cat, Lissette, had gotten to it first and left a puncture all the way through the packaging and condom.

Afterward, we'd had a moment of panic, then calmed down and decided that we would be happy no matter the outcome. Now, I am standing here holding my wife and wishing I knew how to comfort her.

I lifted Bella into my arms and settled her onto the bed. She just nodded as I went back to the bathroom and began to clean up some of the blood. My mother had been shocked about the pregnancy and then laid into us for not telling her. When Bella did not want to be touched, I had to listen to Mom's tirade as Bella sat in my en suite bathroom sobbing. I just wanted to be in there with Bella but had to respect her desire to be alone and grieve in private for a few moments.

So I called Rose. Bella had told them within an hour of finding the plus sign on the test. I had to tell them. I had to tell someone who would care like we did.

"Rose, it's Edward. We're losing the baby."

"We'll be on the road in five minutes. Text me the address. Emmett, call Leah. We need them to babysit- ASAP. Bella and the baby."

I heard a muffled "shit" as Emmett went for his phone. Within two minutes they had arrangements made.

"Edward, tell Bella I love her and we'll be there as quickly as possible. I love you. Hang in there."

"I love you too. Thanks, Rosie."

She hummed in response and then disconnected the call. I closed my eyes and put my head against the wall as my own feelings washed through me. I was sad, yes, but mostly just empty.

"Is this Rosie like Alice and Jasper's Maria?" Carlisle had come up behind me in the hallway.

"Rosalie and Emmett, her husband. They are coming down from Wisconsin, should be here in two hours."

"How are Ed Senior and Elizabeth taking that news?"

I shrugged in response. "They were not thrilled when they met Emmett but we were still invited for Thanksgiving, so that has to say something."

Carlisle nodded and put his hand on my shoulder. "I am sorry, Edward. I know that does not change anything. But, we will get Bella in for some lab work tomorrow and find out what is going on. I want her to get an exam by an OB soon to make sure that all the tissue was passed. An infection could make later conception difficult. I know you do not want to hear it, but early miscarriages like this are common; painful, awful, and heartbreaking, but common. You will get through it together. Esme and I are here for anything you need as well."

I let my honorary uncle pull me into a hug and let his strength wash over me. I would need it. I have to hold everything together.

I wish I had been able to gain more strength from him. The rag dripped pink splashes of water into the bucket as I finished wiping down the toilet and edge of the tub. I was ringing out her pants when I decided to just throw them away. She would not want to wear them again.

I came out of the bathroom when I heard my mother's voice raising into a shrill tone. "Are you the tramp coming in to break up their happy marriage? I can see why Edward would tolerate Bella with the giant if he could have you. They have had enough problems today without you poking your nose in."

Emmett tried to interrupt but then I heard Carlisle and Esme's voice join the fray. "Leave them be, Beth. They are grieving too. Follow me, Emmett, Rose."

Esme led them up to my room and softly knocked before opening the door a crack. "Edward, they are here."

Rosalie waited until Aunt Esme was out of the way and then walked past me to climb onto the bed with Bella, pulling my wife into her arms. My teeth were close to biting through my lower lip when Emmett's arms wrapped around me. We walked, still embracing, to the bed. I looked out the window and could see snow flakes beginning to fall. I needed out in them, I needed to feel the cold, to feel anything.

Emmett knelt down and gently stroked Bella's bangs back from her sweaty forehead and then kissed it. "I'm sorry, Boo." Her arms clamped down around his neck as she shook with a fresh round of sobs.

His hands moved up and down her back as he whispered into her ear. Eventually she released him and then moved so that her head was in Rosalie's lap. I kissed Bella's cheek and she whispered that she loved me. The image of her being so broken will be permanently etched in my memory.

Rosalie took one look at me and then tilted her head toward the windows. I nodded. "Why don't you boys go outside? I think Bella needs some time with just me, okay?" Her words were softer, her entire demeanor broken from the normal ice queen persona she tries to keep in place. That was when I truly took in her face. Her eyes were puffy, lined with red. Rosalie's makeup was washed off. In five months, I don't think I've ever seen her without makeup. She was always the last person to bed and the first person up in the morning when we spent the night in the guest room at their house.

Emmett grabbed my coat from the foot of the bed and gently took me by the arm. When we were out the door, he helped me slide the coat on. His hands were fast and sure as he fastened the buttons.

"Now, I have no idea how the hell to get out of this monstrosity, so help a fella out and point the way to the exit."

I started walking toward my parents' room, their balcony has a stairwell leading to the second floor deck and then down to the ground. Emmett's arm slid beneath my coat, his hand resting on the small of my back. It was comforting, more so than my father's or uncle's touch had been.

We were well out into the back acre of the property and had come upon the remnants of an old tree house when Emmett stopped me. His fingers twisted in the fabric of my shirt and tugged me off balance and into his chest. I buried my face in his thick neck, breathing in his scent like a drug.

"Just let it out, Eddie. I am not gonna tell anyone. Let it out. I'm here. It is going to be okay, I promise."

I pushed him away and started walking deeper into the trees between my parents' house and the road. The snow flakes began to float down more steadily and I could feel my hair growing damp. I didn't want to feel anything.

"Dammit, Edward! I can't keep up if you continue walking away from me. I get it. Your wife is up there and she lost your baby. It sucks, I know. Do not shut me out."

I stopped running away and punched the nearest tree, my knuckles immediately protesting as I shook my hand out. My arm began to pull back for a second attack and Emmett's arms locked around me, immobilizing my body. I fought against the imprisoning appendages until his grip became almost painful.

"I am not going to let you hurt yourself, Edward. She needs you to be in one piece when we go back up there."

"But I can't help her! I want to make it all better, and I can't. I can't bring our baby back! I can't do anything but watch her cry! Tell me what to do, Emmett. Tell me what I can do to make her stop crying."

Emmett lowered us to the ground, his back up against one of the great pines. A carpet of browning needles was beneath our legs. Emmett turned me so that I was straddling his muscular thighs.

"We lost a baby after the girls, before Chase."

I did not think that less than ten words would mean so much. My arms were around his neck and the tears finally came.

"I... want... to help... her. I couldn't make... it stop. The blood. I had to clean it up."

"I know." Emmett's hands stroked up and down my back beneath my coat. "I've got ya, now. We know what the two of you going through and nothing makes it better. Time makes it less sharp, but the pain is still there. All you can do is love each other. But, we love you too, and we are gonna be here. We will help take care of Bella and you've gotta take care of you too."

Emmett's voice was low and soothing as he talked about their experience and eventually my tears dried up. He suggested now that I had finally gotten it out, we should go in. My knuckles were red, one was cracked, but overall, there was not any real damage.

We stopped in a clearing and I tilted my hot, sticky face up to the softly falling snow. Emmett's hand slid behind my head, fingering the hair that had grown out beyond my collar in back.

"You look like an angel in mourning." His voice was hoarse, rough with emotion.

I closed my eyes as I turned my face from the clouds back to his, opening to see his blue eyes staring back at me. They were reddened from his own tears, the lashes matted together. Another wall shattered within me and I kissed him. Hard.

It was a war of teeth smashing against lips, tongues stroking soft flesh and then pulling back to avoid catching on a tooth. Emmett let me lose myself in our kiss for several minutes until he stepped away, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he attempted to catch his breath.

Our walk to the house was made much more slowly than the trip out, in part due to the blood having pooled between our legs, and also from not knowing what situation we were walking into. Stealth was on our side as we darted up the back stairs two at a time, shedding mud and snow covered boots and coats outside my room. They made a haphazard pile in the middle of the hallway and we stepped over them as we eased the door open.

Bella was sound asleep in Rosalie's lap as Rosalie sat there finger combing Bella's hair. I felt like we were intruding upon an intimate moment. Rose looked up at me with a sad smile and patted the bed space beside her.

"Thank you for calling me."

"Thank you both for coming."

Rosalie held out her arm to me. "We wouldn't dream of being anywhere else."

~*~

It was Thanksgiving. Just a few hours ago, I didn't think I had anything to say around the table tonight as we ate our pie. Having Rosalie and Emmett here has shown me just how deep their love for us flows and ours for them. I am thankful for the love they share with us, and thankful for their presence in our lives.

Chapter 5 summary

Bella suffered a miscarriage at approximately 5-6 weeks, on Thanksgiving day. Bella and Edward had only known of the pregnancy for a week. He called Rosalie and Emmett who came down. Edward's mother was less than supportive over Rosalie's arrival but Esme took control of the situation. While Rose and Bella had a private moment (unseen by Edward) he and Emmett were outside as Emmett explained that he and Rose had suffered a prior loss and know what they are going through. The chapter ends with the four of them comforting one another on Edward's bed at his parents' house.