Author's Note: Legal Mumbo Jumbo: I am not now, nor have I ever been Stephanie Meyer, so I dont own Twilight....but in my head I own Jasper.....but that doesnt count. Anyways, here you guys go, and in total agreement with some of my reviews, yes Jasper is a dip shit lol, but I promise you its to better the story, what's love without a little struggle. Anyways, here it is Chapter 47. As always, Read/Enjoy/Review!
Chapter 47: Wasted On You
"It's so hard to say "I love you", and not draw back in tears. It's so hard to know that your not there to help me face my fears. It's so hard to know the phones at reach, but I cannot hear your voice. It's so hard to see you laughing when I'm crying deep inside. It's so hard to just find feelings and now have to make them hide. It's so hard to live without you, when I need you more then air. I want to scream how much I love you, but I must hold back and not be heard. It's so hard to go to sleep at night when I cannot dream of you. It's so hard to think that you might fall in love with someone new. It's so hard to not start crying when I hear your favorite song. It's so hard to sit and wonder, where did I go wrong?"
I pull my car over at the last available apartment complex close enough to school.
" I don't know what I am going to do if I don't get this one," I say, looking over at Jade.
" Oh I don't know, stop being unreasonable and realize that you belong at the house, with us," Jade says, looking at me seriously.
" Don't start with me Jade," I say, as I get out of the car and head towards the rental office. I cross my fingers as I knock on the door.
An hour later I excitedly bounce to my car. I got the apartment, I cant believe I got the apartment.
" I cant believe I got it so easily," I say, starting the car. Jade remains quiet and a part of me feels bad for my enthusiasm. " Jade, you have to know that just because I'm moving out doesn't mean that anything will change, between us I mean."
" That isn't the point Ana, we were supposed to be doing this together, and here you are your own apartment," she says, fiercely blinking away the tears. I don't know what to say to that, because she was right. Before we even made it to Washington we promised each other that no matter what happened, we would never leave each other. I drive us home, and get out of the car, having lost some of my happiness.
" I'm sorry Ana, I know that this is the right thing for you to do, but it doesn't mean that I have to like it." I hug Jade tightly and smile.
" You'll see, nothing will change," I say, walking arm in arm with her into the house. Honestly hoping that, that is true. Who am I kidding, no amount of distance will change anything between me and Jade. I hope.
I sit down, exhausted from my efforts. Half of my stuff already boxed and moved to my new apartment. Part of the reason I got the place was because they were looking for someone to take it as soon as possible. It had been fixed up and cleaned, sitting for months, costing them money instead of making it for them.
" I just don't see why you have to go," Emmett says, unscrewing my bed for me. I smile at him, feeling a subtle hint of guilt.
" You know why I have to go Emmett," I say, getting up to finish boxing my closet.
" It just doesn't make any sense. Jasper leaves in a little over two months, and after that you don't have to deal with him anymore. Your just running away from it all," he says, and I turn slowly to look at him.
" Damn right I'm running away," I say, anger and sadness rising inside me. " I'm not going to lie to you Em. I'm going to miss the hell out of you. You might have to come over some mornings to sing obnoxiously loud in my apartment."
" You don't have to leave Ana," Jasper's voice comes from the door way, causing my blood to run ice cold.
" What is he doing here, Emmett I thought you said he was going to be gone until I was done," I say, wrapping my arms tightly and protectively around myself.
" Ana, you are being ridiculous, I'm sorry but you are. This whole thing is just so blown out of proportion. You don't have to leave, your choosing to leave," Jasper says, his words cutting into me.
" Your right. I don't have to leave, but if I stay it will kill me," I say, my voice growing weaker by the second. I stay turned away from Jasper not wanting to look into his eyes. I stay that way until I hear Jasper leave, shutting the door to his room.
" Ana," Emmett says my name lightly, laying a hand on my shoulder. I shake off his hand. I know that everyone means well, but continually trying to push Jasper and me together is only going to drive us all apart.
" Em, thanks for the help. I just need to be alone now," I say, trying to muster a smile. I watch as he sadly leaves the room, and I throw myself into my work. Packing boxes, sorting clothes. I am just getting to the last few things in my closet when I find a picture I had snapped of me and Jasper, laying on his bed, a happier time. I sit against the wall of the closet, staring at the picture, tears clouding my eyes. The I set the picture aside picking up the sweater that I had stolen from Jasper. I draw it close to me, smelling him on it. I bury my head into the fabric and weep, slowly being consumed by my heart ache.
" Ana," Alice's small voice calls to me, and I slowly look up to her, barely able to make her out through my watery eyes. " Ana, why are you doing this to yourself?" I watch as she sits down across from me, her face a mask of concern and worry.
" I cant stay here Alice. Jasper made his choice, and we both have to live with it. I just can't do that here. I cant live with the choices made as long as I'm here," I say, still tightly clutching the sweater in my hands.
" Why not? He's going to be gone in two months, gone for a year. You don't have to leave, and do this on your own," she argues back, and I just look at her.
" I cant live here Alice, when everything about this place screams Jasper. Every room holds him in it. Every time I would walk by his door I would think about everything that we had. I would think about the times that he made me laugh, or the times that he held me. This place would constantly haunt me. And every single day I would be reminded that I was not enough. That there was something inside of me that wasn't worth him staying. So, yes Alice I have to leave, because if I don't, the heart ache and pain would swallow me whole, I wouldn't have a fighting chance of moving on with my life," I say, letting out a shaky breath.
" Okay, well, lets get you moved then," she says, getting to her feet, extending her hand to me. I take it and hug her, a feeling of relief washes over, finally someone understands.
" Well, I guess that's it," I say, standing in the kitchen looking at everyone, except for Jasper. Who hasn't left his room since our brief discussion. I take my house key off my key ring and start to hand it to Rosalie who only smiles sadly, closing my hand over it.
" Keep it. This way you know you can always come home," Rosalie says, hugging me tightly.
" Are you sure you don't want us to come with you Ana, we can help you unpack. Order in some food, make a night of it," Emmett says, and I smile broadly.
" No, its okay. I'll see you guys tomorrow okay, and as soon as I am completely unpacked I will have you guys over for dinner," I say, hugging everyone.
" Bye Ana," everyone says in unison, Jade taking my hand, walking me to my car.
" You know that if you ever need anything Ana, you just have to call, or come over," Jade says, looking at me. I smile nodding my head, all the while my heart breaking at the idea of leaving my best friend.
" I know. Now get inside, have a good night, I will call you as soon as I get home," I say, climbing into my car. I watch as she walks back to the door, casting a look over her shoulder. She gives me a small wave, and I wave back. I take a deep breath before starting my car, pulling away from everything that matters to me, and my heart breaks.
Two hours later I have successfully managed to unpack all of my clothes. I sit looking at my bedroom closet, smiling with self satisfaction. I get up walking to my new kitchen, opening my fridge for a bottle of water. I open it taking a quick drink, before turning on my stereo. I check the time and see that its only seven thirty. So I crank the volume. Nothing like some good music to motivate me to get things done quickly. I get back to unpacking, deciding to move things to their coordinated rooms. I am busily unpacking my kitchen when loud banging on my front door jolts me from my concentration. I turn my music down, wiping my arm over my forehead.
" Hello," I say, looking up, and I'm shocked to see Elijah standing before me. " Elijah?"
" Ana?" Elijah echoes back, surprise apparent on his face.
" What are you doing here?" I ask, stepping aside so that he can come in.
" I live here. Well not in this very apartment, but in this complex. I'm just downstairs. What are you doing here?" he asks, and I smile. Seems like fate is definitely working her mysterious hand in my life.
" No way, I just moved in, if you couldn't tell," I say, looking around at the boxes.
" Wow. This is crazy, I honestly didn't think that I would ever see you again," he says, leaning against the counter in my kitchen. " Especially since I haven't heard from you since our bus buddy days."
" I know, sorry about that. Just been busy, classes, work, finding an apartment," I say, pulling out another bottle of water, offering it to him.
" It's cool, I totally understand. Actually that's why I was coming up here, your music was disturbing my half-hearted attempt at studying," he says, chuckling his deep and easy laughter.
" Sorry. I find that the louder the music, the better I work," I say, hopping easily up on the counter. 'Wont be able to do this much longer,' I think to myself.
" No its okay, you actually saved me. I think if I would have tried to force myself into studying my brain would have melted," he says, and I laugh, totally understanding the feeling. " So, are your friends coming to help you unpack?"
" No, they offered, but its kind of like, I want to do this on my own you know? Completely start over, brand new," I say, feeling dumb for the way that I feel.
" Yeah, I get it. Too bad, I was going to offer my amazing unpacking skills to help you too," he says, and I smile at him. What could it hurt, a new friend helping me unpack, cant be a bad thing.
" Well if you really want to help, I wont stop you, but I will totally understand if you have to get back to that studying of yours," I say sarcastically, trying not laugh. If he is anything like me he is looking for a reason, any reason to not subject himself to the horrors of studying and memorization.
" Nah, the studying isn't that important. I suppose I can help," he says, and I smile clapping my hands enthusiastically.
" I was hoping you would say that. I have a super spectacular special job, just for you," I say, sliding off the counter, leading him towards my bedroom.
" Oh is that so?" he asks, and I nod, opening my bedroom door to reveal my bed in all of its pieces.
" You good with your hands?" I ask, peering over my shoulder at him.
" Yeah," he says, and I hand him the bag with the screws and tools.
" Have at it, I'm going to get back to the kitchen," I say, laughing as I go. This whole living on my own thing, is looking better and better.
I sit across from Elijah, watching as he works efficiently on my bed. I finished the kitchen and for now that's all I have to do, seeing as how I need to get living room furniture.
" Your awfully quick with your hands there Elijah," I say, staring in amazement at the fluidity of his movements.
" My dad owns his own handy man service. From the time I was twelve until I left for school, I would help him on jobs. So yeah, I guess you could say I'm quick with my hands," Elijah says, and i blush at the look in his eyes. I know that I will eventually have to move on, but the unsuspecting thoughts coursing through my head bother me, so I clear my throat nervously thinking of the best way to discretely change the subject.
" So, would you know where to find some nice, but not so expensive furniture?" I ask, handing him another screw when he holds his hand out to me.
" That depends, what are you looking for?" he asks, and I think about it for a second.
" Couches, tables and chairs," I say, getting to my feet so that I can find my sheets.
" Well, you can always go the tried and true way and look at Wal-Mart or Target, or you can always check out garage sales," he says, standing up to stretch. I laugh uncontrollably tears coming to my eyes. " What's so funny?"
" You just don't strike me as a garage sale type of guy," I say, shaking my head with amusement.
" Well, if you aren't busy this weekend, I will take you around, and show you just how much of a garage sale guy that I am," he says, and I smile.
" Sounds like a plan to me," I say, helping him put my mattress on the bed.
" Well, I better get going. Cant keep putting that studying off, or I will end up failing," he says, walking to the door.
" Okay, well I will try and keep my music down," I say, smiling as I watch him step out onto the porch.
" You do that, don't want to have to come back up here," he says, and I smile knowing that he isn't being completely honest. " Welcome to the neighborhood Ana, don't be a stranger." I smile, conflicting feeling coursing through me as he runs a hand down my cheek. I close the door behind me, wondering what it is that I am actually feeling for Elijah. Is it that I am so easily falling out of love with Jasper, or is it that I am just seeking a bond with someone who seems safe? I continue to contemplat and question my own feelings as I unpack the rest of my things.
" Hey," I say into my phone, laying on my bed staring at my ceiling.
" Ana, you okay?" Jade's sleepy voice asks, and I smile, eyes watering.
" Yeah, no," I say, closing my eyes against the tears.
" What's wrong?" she asks, and I lay ashamed that I am clutching Jasper's sweater to me like a baby holding onto her safety blanket.
" I thought, moving out, leaving the place that reminds me so much of him, that I would forget. That it would somehow not hurt as much, but I was wrong. It hurts even more," I say, crying freely as I confess everything to my best friend.
" Ana, come home, just for the night," she says, but even before the words fully register with me I'm shaking my head.
" I cant Jade. How will I ever be able to live without him, if I go running back to the one place that reminds me the most of him, everytime that I think about him?" I ask, looking down with disgust at the sweater that I can't seem to let go of. " What if I can't ever forget about him Jade? What if I spend the rest of my life remembering everything about him. The way he laughs, smiles, smells, or the cute way that he rubs his forehead when he is thinking too hard? What if he goes to London and meets someone else, someone better than me? What if he falls in love, and it isn't with me?"
" Ana, you can't keep doing this to yourself. You just can't. If you keep letting him get inside of your head this way, your going to make yourself crazy. I was against you moving Ana, but I can see now that it was the right thing for you to do. You have to be strong now Ana, and not just for yourself, but for your baby," she says, and I take a deep breath, blowing out a shaking stream of air.
" Thank you, Jade. You're the best friend a girl could ever have," I say, breathing easier, feeling at ease.
" So, anything interesting happen on your first night in the new apartment," she asks, and I smile, blushing deeply at the though of Elijah.
" No, well, kind of, maybe," I say, dancing my way around my words.
" Oooo, this sounds good, spill it woman, details, details," she says, and I laugh slightly.
" Okay, okay, well, you remember my bus buddy?" I ask, waiting in the silence to see what she says.
" Yeah. Tall guy, really cute, what about him?" she asks, and I roll my eyes wondering why I am so nervous to tell her that he lives in the apartment beneath mine and we spent the evening together, unpacking my apartment.
" Well, he lives in this complex. The apartment right under mine," I say, and I listen counting the seconds it takes before Jade says something.
" Wait, you mean to tell me, that super cute bus buddy that you spent almost two whole days attached to the hip with, not only goes to our school, but he lives in the apartment under yours?" she asks, her voice somewhat off.
" Yeah, geeze Jade, its no big deal, just coincidence," I say, looking towards the living room, thrown off somewhat by the knock on the door. " Hey I have to let you go, someone's at the door, I'll see you tomorrow." I hang up the phone before she can say anything. I slide on Jasper's sweater, a chill running across my skin as a whole new heart ache sets in. I open the door smiling as I look up, expecting to see Elijah standing on my porch. Instead, its Jasper. My heart sinks into my stomach, beating achingly fast and hard against my rib cage. Embarrassment washing over me from head to toe, as I realize that I am standing before him with red rimmed eyes wearing a sweater that I had taken from him when things were good for us.
" Can I come in?" Jasper asks, and I just move aside, letting him come in, wondering if I will have any sense of self-worth after this is over.
I stand with my back to the door, fighting to look away from Jasper, but I soon find that I cant seem to pull my eyes away from him.
" What are you doing here Jasper?" I ask, wishing that I had slammed the door in his face instead of letting him in.
" I went for a drive, after you left tonight, and somehow I ended up here," Jasper says, running a hand through his hair. " What I said to you earlier was wrong Ana. None of this is your fault. I shouldn't have implied that it was. I just want you to know that I love you Ana," he says, stepping towards me. I shake my head walking past him.
" You cant do this to me Jasper, I wont let you do this to me. You say you love me, and yet your going to leave. You made your choice Jasper, and I'm trying to live with it," I say, pacing around the living room of my apartment.
" Trying to live with it? How Ana? By moving away from everyone that loves you, laying in bed crying, wearing my sweater?" he asks, and I stop moving, staring at him closely. I quickly remove the sweater and thrust it at him.
" How I choose to live with it is my business. I want you to leave Jasper," I say, walking back to the door. I open it, waiting for him to walk through it.
" I'm not going anywhere Ana, not until I talk some sense into you," he says, and I snap. Tears start streaming down my face and I fight for air.
" You did this Jasper. You chose London over our child, over me. I married you, when marriage was the last conceivable thing I ever wanted from life, but I married you. I thought you and I could make it. I love you so much that I honestly believed that whatever came our way, couldn't be as hard as what we have already gone through. God, I was so wrong. Do you want to hear how I will cry every day that your gone? Because I will. Or how I will find a way to get another one of your sweatshirts just so I can remember the way that you smell? Or how hard it's going to be to have this baby and know that its half of you, and that you wont be here to see him or her? I can't stand here and tell you I am okay with you going to London, because I know that's what you want to hear. I know that you want to hear that I understand, and that I will wait for you, because I cant do that. I'm not okay, with you leaving me, or going to London. But I swear, I will be one day. One day I will find someone who will love me enough, and even when that day comes, I will still love you. The saddest part of all of this is that I somehow let you get inside of me, you have taken over my entire existence. Your in my head, and in my heart. Whether I'm awake or asleep you're here, and here," I say, tapping my hand against my head, and then my heart, " That's the saddest damn part of it all. No matter what I do, you will never be gone. No amount of time, no matter who may or may not come into my life, nothing is going to erase your memory. So I am asking, no I am pleading with you, just leave. I want you gone, I want to move on. I don't want you here, I cant have you here, not anymore." I stand firm, my eyes clouded with tears that I refuse to let fall. I watch as Jasper slowly walks towards me, but instead of walking out of the door he stands in front of me, close enough that I can feel his breath sweep across my face. I shiver instinctively and for one short moment part of me wishes that he would just lean in and kiss me. He opens his mouth, and shuts it quickly. Reminding me of the first time him and I had a personal conversation, just me and him, when I told him that he reminded me of a goldfish. I watch as he shakes his head, my breath catching in my throat as he walks out of the door. I listen as his footsteps echo down the stairs, and when I know that he is out of sight, I turn to shut the door. I press a shaky hand to my heart, my breathing frantic as I fight the tears. I just need to close the door and then I can lose it. But the door wont close. I look up and see Elijah staring down at me, his gray eyes filled with emotion.
" Ana," Elijah says, and before I can stop myself, I launch myself into his arms. I feel secure in his embrace, and I bury my face into his chest, crying so hard no noise can come out. I feel Elijah maneuver me so that we are in my apartment, and he closes the door behind him, sliding us both to the floor, he cradles me in his arms, allowing me to weep out the rest of my shattered heart.