Taken down and reposted for editing. This chapter is dedicated to the very lovely AniJen21 who pointed out the terrible omission of a very important scene - I hope it satisfies :)
Chapter 29
We pulled apart, panting, and struggling to regain ourselves. A shouting match would have been unseemly between two supposedly mature Andalites, so we started by completing a relaxation ritual together. It was perhaps the tensest relaxation ritual ever performed in Andalite history, with both of us acutely aware of the strain in the air between us, but it served to calm us down enough to speak in civilised tones. I was almost afraid to begin, afraid that Alloran would terrify me again, but he lifted a hand to motion me to start. As I recounted my meeting with The Third, he watched me with an incredulous expression on his face and at first refused to believe that I had not imagined the whole thing. I insisted that this was not the case, and finally resorted to the horrible low of saying 'If you love me, you'll believe me' – I wished I could take back the words the instant they were spoken, but he did not comment. After that Alloran grudgingly accepted that it was possible that I had not simply hallucinated on the Blade Ship, but remained sceptical of The Third and the truth of its words. Alloran had never believed in the stories of the Ellimist and Crayak, and the fact that they actually existed did not seem reason enough for him to change his policy of ignoring them. When I told him of The Third's dire predictions of the future he seemed initially prepared to laugh them away.
Ridiculous prophecies of doom, he said mockingly. Terrible enough to frighten you, Jahar, (and here he actually reached out and gently stroked my shoulders. I started to shrug him off, but then relaxed an inch and allowed him to caress me. It was a start towards an apology for his behaviour earlier), but not real. No creature can foresee the future.
The Third seemed to think it could, I said. As did Crayak. I reached out and caught his hand. Alloran, I saw him. I mean really saw him. And he saw me. I didn't mention Crayak's promise of that future bathed in a golden glow of happiness, but I did tell him how I had unwittingly been used as his agent.
Or so these creatures claimed, Alloran pointed out. I shuddered.
When he said it, it was like a great moment of realisation for me. Like all my selfishness was laid bare and I knew what he said was true. I clung to Alloran's hand, entwining our fingers.
Selfishness? Alloran echoed. Was it selfishness that brought you to Earth? No. He reached with his other hand and lifted my chin, forcing my eyes to meet his. The green irises glittered with a banked fire, his rage still smouldering underneath as he fought to control himself. You came for me, Jahar. You became because you loved me. He dropped my chin. Or so I thought, until that little episode on the Blade Ship. He was still angry, then.
I had to stop you, I said miserably. Alloran, I wanted to kill him for what he did to you. I did try to! Before I was pulled away I squeezed that trigger. I would have again, but The Third said it was necessary that he survived.
And you think it was speaking perfect truth to you? Alloran snarled, fury in his voice. He shook free of me and started pacing the confines of the quarters. Granted, this 'Third' exists. What's to say it does not work for Crayak and seeks to undo your good work in destroying Visser Three? I hadn't told him yet of The Third's warning that Earth would only be saved if he returned to his former master, and he whirled around the quarters in agitation. This 'Third' claims Visser Three is its champion and it certainly seems to have his interests at heart! But what of me? if I am so important to it am I to be denied justice?
Yes, I said miserably. And more. It is not only justice The Third seeks to deny you. Alloran turned curious eyes on me, and my hearts thundered horribly loud. The Third said that if Earth fell to the Yeerks then the rest of the galaxies would follow.
Yes yes, Alloran said impatiently. And only by Visser Three staying alive can this cataclysmic occurrence be magically averted, and so you spared him.
Visser Three has to be there at the end, I said quietly. As he was before.
Before what? Alloran said warily, his pacing stopping suddenly, his body very very still.
Before I came to Earth, I finished, my hearts crying inside of me. It was as if someone had cut the strings to a marionette. Alloran drooped, and said nothing for a very long time, not looking at me but at the floor, all four eyes cast down.
You truly believe this creature, Jahar? he asked, his tone empty, face inscrutable. I started to reply but he cut across me. Yes, of course you must, to have spared the Visser's life in preparation for my return to him. He kicked a hoof gently against the deck, a thoughtful gesture. The sound of it against the metal rang around the quarters. I did not know what to say, afraid of sparking another fit of temper.
The Third promises that if you do this you will one day be free, I said finally. He snorted at that. It said this was the only way. And it said that if you did this then...
Yes? he asked, emotionless.
Then it'll bring Kipsing and Arbat back as well. Alloran closed his eyes now, wearily, and a single shudder rolled through his body, as if he longed to shrug his very skin off.
Jahar, can you answer me one thing faithfully?
Yes, I replied, eager. Anything!
Promise me, Alloran said softly. Promise me you do not wish for Arbat's return to satisfy your own desires. I started to protest, but he raised a hand to stop me. Every night it is how the Visser would taunt me, how he would again. He would say you two had sought solace together, that you had forgotten me. He would conjure up images of you running together, loving each other in my absence. I could not bear more years of that agony. There was a terrible pain in his voice, and I stepped forwards to where he stood, slumped, defeated, ready for the blow to fall. I raised both my hands to his cheeks, a deep, loving kiss. He raised his eyes, tired eyes, defeated eyes, and I leaned in very close, touching my nose to his.
I am yours, I said softly. I always have been and I always will be. No one else's. I awaited your return chaste and faithful. My thought speak wavered, threatening to blast all my misery at him, and I don't think he could have survived if I'd added my sorrow to his own right then. As I will await it again, War Prince Alloran, I finished, hating myself. He raised his hands to my own, holding them in place on his cheeks.
War Prince Alloran, he repeated. Of course. I am a warrior. A path I chose many many years ago. And a warrior does his duty. I understand now, that you feel this is my duty. I held my breath, dreading for him to continue. He raised his beautiful green eyes higher, above me, as if staring into the distance. If you ask me to do this then I will, Jahar. But not for the Andalite race, or the human race, or Arbat or even for you. A sad smile trickled into his eyes. Because Visser Three used me to kill that young guard you set on me, and if I can undo that I will. And if the only way for me to prevent the Visser and all his fellow scum doing greater harm is to become his again then... He lowered his eyes again, back to me, his expression sickened. Then I hate it and I hate it and I hate it and it's not fair and it's not just. Again, the achingly sad softness in his eyes. But I suppose a warrior does not concern himself with what is just or even what is right. He concerns himself with doing what is necessary. As I have always tried to. In the silence between us a million dead Hork Bajir howled, a brief shriek of suffering.
You'll go back? I breathed, appalled deep inside that I was pushing him away when what I wanted was to pull him closer and closer and never let him go. I dropped my hands from his face and wrapped them around his back, clutching him to me.
Do you wish me to, Jahar?
No! I shouted, finally losing control. No! I want you to stay with me, forever. I want to take you and run far far away from this wretched war. I was shaking against his chest now, gulping for air. I wish there was another way. I wish I was just selfish enough to condemn the entire universe and not care so long as I have you. I lifted my face to him. Alloran, I love you so very much. He laughed then, the gentlest, saddest laugh I had ever heard.
Well then, perhaps knowing how much I will be missed I can be brave enough to look to the future. His hands gripped my forearm. Jahar, you have no idea how brave I would have to be. I'm not sure I can. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to let it happen all over again.
Try, I whispered. That is all they can ever ask of their champions.
Alloran left my quarters to take up residence in Arbat's and I fell asleep, utterly exhausted by our discussion. I had hoped that some part of me would feel justified in the victory over Alloran's will, in cajoling him to go against his own desires, but there was nothing but hollow sickness inside me. What did I care for the universe? It seemed to care nothing for me. The only creature that had given my own happiness a second's thought was Crayak, ironically enough, and then only because I had proved so very useful to him that he was in a liberal mood.
When I awoke my computer showed that it was evening in the hemisphere of Earth we currently sat in, and that The Starwave had landed on a sprawling set of fields on the outskirts of a small human habitation called a 'hamlet'. Scanners showed that there were no human life forms within a dangerous range, and under the cover of darkness I resolved to feed, hoping that the warm trickle of nutrients up my legs would help me to feel better. When I left my quarters I ran into Medrar, who told me that Tirdellan and Farling were feeding together, as was my husband (although separately from them) and that he did not know where Lortif was. I didn't feel I had the strength of character to converse pleasantly with the small aristh, so I asked him to mind the ship whilst I went to feed as well.
It was a brisk evening, the single Earth moon glowing mistily above me, the dark grasses rustling softly beneath my hooves. In the distance I could see what I took to be Tirdellan and Farling galloping together, their backs silver in the moonlight. I admired them together for a minute, my beautiful children, before I became aware of a presence near me. I turned to see Lortif lounging in the shadow of the ship.
Not hungry? I asked, regretting starting a conversation instantly. I still wasn't sure I had the energy to be pleasant.
No appetite, Lortif replied sadly. A part of me felt like snarling at him that he had no idea what true sadness was, that his trivial problems were far beneath me, but I forced a gentle tone.
You miss home?
No, he replied. I'm not homesick. All I ever wanted is here. I followed the direction of his eyes, and compassion touched my hearts as understanding caught me. He saw my expression and turned his face away. Please, I don't want your pity.
Does Farling know? I asked. He sighed heavily.
I don't know. Does it matter? I didn't reply, my mind whirring. A part of me was frightened by the disgraceful and unspeakable, but there was nothing disgusting or shameful about this young Andalite. On the contrary, I felt sympathy for him, standing there with his dark eyes wide with sorrow.
We are a very long way from home, I said eventually. He snorted.
No one to enforce the laws? No, Jahar, you are astonishingly tolerant to even consider it but I will put you out of your misery. I have no intention of ever making my feelings known. On the home planet he would have been executed. I reached out and instead gently touched his shoulder.
How long? I asked softly. He leaned forward into my touch, strong, whole, brave, still very young, burdened with feelings that would have him condemned as a perversion of nature.
This trip made clear what I have feared a long time. He turned to me, smiled sadly. I beg you, don't worry about it. Put it from your mind, as I will endeavour to put it from mine. As I turned away from him he called after me: You know Medrar would, if I asked him. Or if you did. He tilted his head. Medrar would do almost anything he was asked.
Feeling a little unsettled I left him and cantered across the fields, away from my children. The grass was very rich here – perhaps it was intended as supplies for some of the herbivorous animals which the humans kept. It didn't take me long to reach my fill, but I was unwilling to go back to the ship where Lortif might still be hovering like a thwarted phantom. Instead I began to morph, a human morph for what might be my last night on Earth. I became the human female I had first acquired, wearing only the very barest minimum of clothing but still warm from my exertions. I rolled my head back, raising my two human eyes to the heavens, to the human moon glinting dully above us. To a human it was so very far away – to me a mere few hours' journey. Would they ever catch up with us?
Humans are limited by those two eyes, and by poor ears, so I didn't hear Alloran's approach, didn't even realise he was there until a pair of warm hands descended on my bare shoulders. I spun around to face him, also in human morph – a male I had not seen before. I was glad it was not the same face he had worn when Visser Three compelled me to dance with him, and opened my human mouth to speak, but he raised a hand to my lips.
"There is nothing more to say, Jahar. I have made peace with myself, and now I will do so with you." I watched him warily as he lowered the hand and leaned his head forwards. He stepped closer and used his arms to pull me in, pressing our lips together. Gently moving his lips against mine, he parted them slightly and touched mine very softly with his human tongue. Surprised, I opened my mouth and his tongue dipped in teasingly. It was not altogether unpleasant, and I tried to copy his motions. I hadn't realised how much his presence was affecting me until we broke apart and my knees wobbled, a wonderful heat roaring upwards through my belly. It was a good thing he was holding me, because I almost fell against him. I risked a giggle. "Pleasant?" he inquired, his human voice low.
"Interesting. I assume that is a human kiss?"
"Yes. Apart from interesting, how did you find it?"
"Stimulating", I murmured, stepping closer, desire reawakening after a long dormancy and sending me light headed. The feel of his human body so close to mine was electric, heat rolling off him in waves.
"Mmm, really?" His two eyes were huge in the moonlight, shimmering pools of hungry darkness. I ghosted a finger tip over his cheek, traced the contours of his human mouth and then down the line of his throat and he shuddered.
How did you find it, Alloran? I whispered in thought speak.
Oh. He affected nonchalance. I could take it or leave it.
Really? I asked, layering my thought speak with mock surprise. He was shivering in front of me from pent up emotion – for a second I thought maybe he was angry again but then he raised one tentative hand and very very gently stroked the line of my collar bone. I rolled my head back, eyes wide to the stars, and his fingers slipped lower, still incredibly gentle. It was infuriating, that lightest of touches, skimming the very surface of my passion. He lowered his head, touching across my throat very softly with his lips. I gasped for breath through my mouth, shuddering. Alloran, I hissed. What are you doing?
Hmm? I'm not sure, he tilted his head to the side. I suppose I am experimenting... I gave an incoherent human growl and leapt forwards, up into his arms, my human mouth pressed against his. Whatever instincts these human morphs had, they were strong – he responded instantly with a throaty sound, kissing me fiercely back whilst his hands roamed down my lower back, pressing me closer to him, causing me to gasp and judder against him.
Demorph, I forced out, and then attempted levity to disguise my growing need. I want to do this the old fashioned way. He instantly started demorphing, his flesh slipping against mine in a way that would have been disconcerting except that the sliding sensation against my torso was incredibly erotic and I was gasping against him as I demorphed too, so that we stood before each other in our own forms. Alloran was clearly fighting to be gentle, afraid perhaps of tearing me apart in his desire, and I laughed and caught one of his hands, curling my fingers over his to tighten his grip on my flesh. He made a strangled mew. Is this really the best you can do? I challenged. I do hope you're not holding back for my sake. My other hand crept down the back of his neck, over his shoulder, sliding down his back and making him sigh and arch against me. With a decisive growl he shook my hand off his and grasped me to him, my entire body straining against him as we faced each other and dug our fingers into the muscles on each other's backs, those muscles which screamed to be stroked, the deeper the better. The force of his finger tips made my legs wobble, his form was a haze in front of me, his intoxicating scent of warmth and fresh sweat in my nostrils.
For a second the knowledge of the future flooded me, a wave of sorrow threatening to swallow this moment, but my desire raged to powerfully and it banished the threat of tomorrow from my mind. With a giggle I suddenly broke free from Alloran, turning and running across the grasses. He gave chase quickly and caught me easily, panting as he tripped me and refusing to allow me up but instead pinning me down. I gave a faint half effort at rising, and he caught my arms with his hands, his grip on my wrists excitingly strong. Now, he whispered, bearing down on me as I tried to remember to breathe, my stomachs fully dissolved into warm water. Now.
We spent the entire night in those fields, only returning to The Jahar as the solitary human sun peaked over the grey horizon and it grew too dangerous to be off our guard so near a human habitation. And we were off our guard, completely absorbed in each other and the present, forgetting the imminent horror of the future, forgetting the past except for the fact that it had been a very very long time since we were last together. I felt about ten years younger, giddy and whirling. We had revisited all our favourite techniques and even tried something new I had heard about at home which was recommended by Andalite physicians as the fashionable new way to relive stress.
As we approached the spot where I had left Lortif to his lonely vigil I again felt a pang of pity for him, and a new and wonderful feeling of contentment. Alloran cocked his head, still drunk enough with pleasure to manage a smile even as we walked closer to his damnation.
You are so beautiful when you look happy, Jahar. I am glad I was able to provoke just one true smile in our time together.
I swivelled to face him, with the rising sun to his back and his green eyes heavy with fatigue, and my hearts so full with love and affection, and the misery that constantly threatened to break through, that I was half delirious.
Sometimes, Alloran, in the midst of the misery and the loss and the suffering, we can pray for just one interlude of true joy. It enables us to face the dark future. He nodded solemnly.
It gives us hope.