So my email account and I have had words about it blocking my fanfiction emails - very unimpressed with it for suddenly deciding they were deadly risks. Hopefully I will now actually be able to see if anyone is kind enough to review (and i do love them if they do :D). This chapter is for those who've stuck with me so far, without whose encouragement this would probably have been abandoned around chapter 15 -Dommy-
Chapter 30
Like the coward I am, I left it to poor Alloran to explain everything to our children, and to Lortif and Medrar. The previous night was still an intoxicating whirl of desire and inexplicable joy to me, but lancing through the haze of my own contentment was reality. Last night I had enjoyed Alloran, but today I would give him up, condemn him to his living hell again, and the feeling of contentment was fading fast in the face of this. For some reason the dark knowledge inside me struck a note with Lortif's plight, and I watched him as we assembled in the main cockpit of The Starwave, listening to Alloran talk. I'd always noticed that he was a large Andalite, even though not full grown yet, but now I ran my eyes more curiously over him, taking in the sturdy build, the large tail blade, the way he leaned in towards Farling standing next to him. My son shifted for comfort, so that his fingertips brushed the back of Lortif's hand, and if I hadn't been watching closely I'd have missed the silent scream in Lortif's eyes. For a second I wondered at Farling's innocuous little movement – innocent naivety or calculated teasing? But I dismissed the thought from my mind. I might have been very wrapped up in myself recently, but surely I'd never have missed a cancer lurking in my own son.
Besides, now was hardly the time for flirtation. Farling, Lortif and Tirdellan all wore expressions of faint horror on their faces – my children were too distant and disconnected from their father to hide their shock at hearing an Andalite proposing his own return to servitude. And it was shocking, and as I stood there and heard his words as he explained himself to these creatures who weren't even his equals I felt shame, shame that I had not been brave enough to spare him this and explain, but instead had forced him to justify his terrible decision and defend it to others.
I sought escape in switching my attention to Medrar. He stood to Lortif's right, one of the Arisths and yet apart from the other two, his small form delicate, his neat tail at half mast. I remembered Lortif's words that Medrar would do almost anything he was asked, and I remembered how he had obeyed me unquestioningly on the Blade Ship. He said he had come on this mission because he could never compete with his older brother and now, trying to read his handsome, inscrutable face, seemingly unmoved by Alloran's words, I wondered if he cared for anyone else, or even for himself at all, if he would ever love as we adults had, and if he would ever feel loss. Perhaps he had chosen the right way after all, to be untouched by everything, to be unmoved by tragedy.
And of course, my eyes returned again and again to Alloran, real and tangible in front of me for only a few moments more. I longed to feel him, but controlled myself, closing my eyes now and just hearing his voice, laying out horror in calm and measured tones, consigning himself to misery without a tremor. He gave a weary movement of his hands, indicating that his speech was drawing to a close.
Are there any questions? he asked tiredly, a sure sign that he had lost his grip on all we had been brought up with, on Andalite values and society and his own warrior culture as we spun aimlessly a million miles from home, and contemplated betraying our very beings. War Princes don't ask if there are questions, they rapped out orders and expected them to be obeyed. There was a long pause, awkward, and then Medrar shifted his tail to gain Alloran's attention.
Will the Yeerks not be suspicious if you simply turn yourself in? he inquired, and I was grateful that his question was so practical, that Alloran's decision was not being questioned. Alloran nodded, a human gesture he'd picked up, or rather the Visser had more likely picked up and which Alloran used out of force of habit because he was used to the motion.
I will offer a trade with the Visser, he replied. I will ask him for two kinons of terrazite, and he will believe that our ship is badly damaged and we desperately need the metal for repairs. He will not find out the truth until it is too late, until you are long gone.
Gone? I repeated. I'm staying. He turned on me, his eyes dark.
Jahar, on this I must be firm. After I have been taken again you are to leave. Leave this wretched planet and this galaxy and go home. For a second his gaze wavered as something weak inside him reached out to me, and he spoke in private thought speak. I could not bear it for you to see me again. And these children need an adult to take them home.
Arbat will be here, I whispered, but he cut across me.
I do not trust The Third's word as implicitly as you, Jahar. We can only hope it will be true.
So, Kipsing will come back? Tirdellan murmured, her question breaking our private discussion. I forced a smile.
That is the hope, daughter. Her expression shifted, apprehension and hope, and for a second it was perhaps worth it, for me to lose everything if my daughter's dream could be restored to her. It might just be worth it if Kipsing was no longer a charred memory but real again and I could forgive him his assassin ways and give him to my daughter with all my blessings.
Farling stood there, shaking slightly, his expression angry. Finally he spoke. So it's all for nothing? he asked bitterly. We wasted our time coming here. Our ridiculous meaningless mission. Alloran rocked as if slapped, and I was about to reprimand my son, when Lortif turned to him.
You've seen your father again, he said. Is that nothing? Farling stared at him, speechless with anger and surprise, and then turned on his heel and strode out. I hoped that he was angry with the circumstances that called his father away again, rather than with us, but perhaps that was an arrogant supposition. It can't have been easy for Farling to have travelled so far to reunite with his father and then hear Alloran choose to leave him and return to slavery. Our family was splintering before it had even fully healed.
Lortif waited a second uncomfortably, and then turned and followed Farling. I don't know if they argued as friends, or reconciled as friends, or argued as more or reconciled as more. I didn't have enough heart left to care, because Alloran was now reaching his hand out tentatively to Tirdellan, and I feared that if she rejected him too then his resolve would crumble entirely. She hesitated, but then she took her father's fingers in her own and raised them to her cheek in a gentle goodbye kiss.
I think you are very brave, she said softly, and for a second Alloran glowed and looked immortal. I felt immeasurably proud of my daughter in that moment. Then Alloran crossed the short distance to the communications consol and instructed Medrar to dial in the code for Visser Three's private communications line (For the last thing we want is to be fobbed off by some incompetent underling, he said, attempting levity). Almost instantly Visser Three's human face filled our screen, very familiar now –metallic blue eyes that looked like they could never convey a flicker of warmth, a pointed human nose, a wide mouth twisted into something that could never be pretty or kind.
"Who is this? How did you get this channel?" she demanded aggressively. At a nod from Alloran Medrar opened the two way viewing connection, so that the Visser could see us. Her eyes widened in surprise. "Well, look who it is: the rabble and the runaway."
Be silent, Yeerk, Alloran said sternly. I sent him a wave of reassuring warmth, and he stood even straighter than before. We are contacting you because we wish to bargain with you.
"And what could I possibly have that superior Andalites like yourselves want?" Visser Three sneered.
Materials, Alloran said calmly. We desire two kinons of terrazite, a compound which is not found on Earth, as you well know.
Visser Three narrowed her hateful eyes. "Two kinons?" she repeated. "There must be hardly any of your ship left if you want that much!"
As you can imagine, it is a matter of some urgency, Alloran replied. And we understand you will not give us this for free.
"The Blue box," Visser Three snapped, quick as a snake. "Get me that and I'll give you all the terrazite you could possibly want." Alloran widened his eyes slightly.
Unfortunately the Blue box is not in our possession, he replied eventually. As you well know, it is held by the Andalite bandits.
"Then approach them with your woes," Visser Three snorted derisively. "As far as I can see there is nothing else you have to offer me of interest."
Have you changed your tastes so completely in the last week? Alloran asked, mock surprise and bitterness colouring his thought speak. I rather thought I had something that interested you beyond measure.
Visser Three's eyes widened in shock. "I don't believe you," she hissed, her gaze flitting over his face frantically. The Yeerk was unable to keep an expression of naked desire off its host face, and a collective shudder ran through us in the cockpit. I was incredibly impressed when Alloran squared his shoulders and pushed on.
As I commented earlier, we require this metal urgently.
"Will you just let him do this, Jahar?" Visser Three asked suddenly, her gaze pinning me down and searching me for answers. "Are you even aware what your fool of a husband is suggesting?"
I am, I said, fighting rising nausea. He is a free creature, to make his own decisions.
"He won't be for much longer, the way he makes them," Visser Three sniggered.
So, I take it you accept our bargain? Alloran asked, fighting to keep his face straight. Visser Three was practically rubbing her hands together in glee.
"Oh I accept, one hundred per cent," she replied. "Name a place, name a time and I will be waiting with open arms." She spread her human arms wide as she spoke, in mockery of a loving embrace. I felt like expelling the morning's grass. Alloran gave details, his thought speak concise and sharp. I knew inside he was squirming in horror, but his face was as expressionless as Medrar's.
Medrar. Would he become Visser Three's host if I asked him to?
The Visser agreed the details and closed the communications by rolling a final lascivious glance over Alloran, head to hooves. I felt somehow unclean, as if I had witnessed something horrifically perverse, the Visser reminding me of something which squatted under damp stones palely and would only hours from now ooze its way lovingly and vilely into my husband's ear canal. I realised Tirdellan was shaking and gently touched her with my tail.
That was disgusting, she whispered. Alloran exhaled deeply, his whole body slumping.
Yes, he said in a resigned tone. It was horrible. He nodded towards Medrar. We have two Earth hours until we have to be at the designated place, and it will take us an hour and a half to fly there. Find my son and your friend and tell them to ready themselves for departure. He headed towards the door. I am going to bid freedom farewell.
I waited for perhaps ten minutes, then followed him tentatively, stopping at the hatch of The Starwave to watch him pounding across the field, incredibly fast, pushing himself to the limit, his sides already lathered with foam, as if he could outrun his destiny. As I watched he scudded to a halt, shaking from the exertion, threw back his head and screamed. In that second, as the sound pierced me and touched my hearts, we all felt his despair, a dark gulf suddenly swallowing us so that we were plummeting into futility, and then it stopped and I was left shaking, clutching the wall beside me to steady myself as I watched him turn back towards the ship, composed once again.
As he climbed the ramp back into the ship he saw me, and I gently reached out a hand and ran my fingertips over his cheek. It was only a second of contact, but he froze as I did it, his eyes a dazzlingly deep green, and then I broke away and he walked into the ship, heading for the cockpit, leaving me staring across the empty fields.
Lortif piloted us silently, a sulky gulf between him and Farling rumbling around the cockpit as we headed for the rendezvous. I doubt Alloran even noticed. As our ship was supposedly severely damaged he would be meeting the Visser on foot, and I was to go with him to take the metal in return. Alloran did not think I would be at much risk – Visser Three was too keen to get his host back to risk messing the transaction up by using any clever tricks, and besides an aging female Andalite with a very small supply of morphs was really of limited interest to him. Alloran was the glittering prize, the only one he would have eyes for.
We were to meet the Visser in an underground car park, entering it in human morphs and then demorphing in front of him so that he could see that Alloran truly was who he said he was. Lortif shielded us and parked The Starwave on the deserted roof of the car park, and Alloran kissed his daughter and touched tails with his son. Farling's response was sullen, but at least he did reach out back to his father, and I am sure I had Lortif to thank for that. Then Alloran and I morphed and stepped out onto the hot tarmac with a soft breeze fanning our faces.
How strange to find this beautiful, Alloran commented quietly, stopping for a second to take in the view from the roof top over the sprawling city in front of us, so very unlike anything on our home world, with tarmac roads and green gardens, kidney shaped dabs of blue for human private pools amongst the green, sky scrapers towering in the hazy distance, and houses squatting under red roofs in the residential area surrounding us. I said nothing but followed my husband obediently as he crossed to the car park ramp and we descended the two layers to the rendezvous point, each step winding down to take us further into the claustrophobic dimness, concrete walls pressing in on us, above us, and Visser Three waiting below.
They were on the fifth level – twenty or so human controllers standing in a loose circle with Visser Three in the middle squatting on her heels and fiddling with her fingers impatiently. She stood up when she saw us, and tilted her head questioningly.
"As you see, I have come," Alloran said, and she smiled predatorily.
"And I recognise Jahar's morph from the night we three danced. Well, I wasn't sure you would keep to your word, yet here you are."
"Here I am," Alloran repeated dully. "Have you the terrazite?" Visser Three waved a disdainful hand and the human controllers parted obediently, revealing a large, dense pile of blue-grey metal on a carrier hovering about a metre off the ground, a bank of dials on the front of it to aid locomotion.
"Now demorph," Visser Three demanded. Her human tongue flickered over her lips in anticipation, and I could almost feel the excitement radiating off her. Alloran turned to me and lifted his hand to the back of my head, tilting my eyes up to his.
"I love you," he said clearly, and kissed me deliberately and slowly on the lips in front of the Yeerks. They could have jeered, but for some reason they were silent, as if perhaps on some deep level they were awed. We pulled apart, unwilling to break the contact, and I realised that tears were running down my face, the sadness I felt expressing itself through my human morph.
"I know," I whispered back. In front of my eyes Alloran demorphed slowly, never breaking his gaze from me, even as the changes caused his bones to crack and he fell forward onto his newly emerged front legs. I couldn't bear for him to look away, because then it would be over, but eventually he did and turned from me to Visser Three. I realised he was breathing hard, his chest rising and falling deeply.
Satisfied? he asked mockingly, stepping away from me. In reply the Visser snapped her fingers and five of the human controllers sprang forward. They fitted a sheath on his tail blade as he stood there, contemptuous of their fear of him, aware as they were that he could kill them all in a second's flurry of movement. That done, they looped chains around his upper torso, binding his arms tight. I saw the links bite into his chest and wanted to cry out for him. He turned his main eyes to me one last time, and then a dark hood was whipped over his head, obliterating the green gaze. Visser Three had watched all this like it was a show for her personal entertainment, straining forward with excitement, and now gestured impatiently at the terrazite.
"Better take that now, Jahar, before I decide you can join him." I shot her a look of supreme loathing, but crossed to that worthless lump of metal which Visser Three thought meant so much to us and activated the hover consol. I turned back as it went before me, back towards the slope to the sunlit roof with the view we had marvelled at. Only now I was alone. As I stepped away my last sordid view of Alloran was of him being forced into the gaping back of a lorry, jabbed forwards by controllers as he climbed the ramp, his hooves ringing out through the car park, clattering when he stumbled blindly.