A/N: I've FINALLY done my psychological analysis on Deidara's speech impediment, and let me tell you, it's not pretty. As of now, I'm writing the chapter that should be entitled 'Everyone's getting laid except ME (goddamn it!)!' XD Anyway, enjoy!
Kisame pushed Itachi back on the bed, kissing him tenderly as his hands came to rest on the hem of Itachi's shirt. Soon the garment was divested, and Itachi lay half naked before his lover. Kisame lowered his mouth and sucked hard on his erect nipples. Itachi gasped, placing his hands on Kisame's shoulders, a look of panic entering his eyes. "K-Kisame, p-please-" Kisame stopped immediately, sitting back. His pants felt so tight and hot, he needed release! But looking at Itachi's scared and shameful expression, he knew it didn't matter. He caressed Itachi's face, and brought the shirt to the Uchiha's hands. He kissed his lover's forehead.
"It's all right, Itachi. I shouldn't have pushed it."
"Thank you," Itachi breathed, hiding his face.
"I'm going to go take a shower," Kisame said, getting up and petting Itachi's head without letting the Uchiha notice he had the worst erection since puberty. He left Itachi on the bed and stepped into the bathroom, quickly turning on the cold water and stripping. He then stepped into the shower, shivering. He didn't really understand Itachi, but if sex was scary, they could do without. But still… he'd have to talk to Deidara.
Deidara was sitting in his office, wondering just where the hell his inspiration went when Kisame walked in. "We need to talk," he said. Deidara gladly turned to face him.
"Certainly, darling," he said, swiveling all the way around in his chair. "Do you want me to get Sarah, un?"
"No. This is something for a gay man to answer," Kisame replied.
"Sure. What's up, un?"
"Is it scary your first time?" Deidara blinked.
"For the submissive one? Terrifying, un," Deidara said seriously.
"How was your first time?" Deidara laughed slightly.
"I was so scared and nervous I was sick, un." Kisame's eyes widened.
"What?"
"But then again, I was fifteen, un."
"Oh. So I suppose it's different for older men, right?"
"Kisame, are you a virgin, un?"
"No! Not my age older, but perhaps… Hidan's age?"
"Oh, you meant older than me older. Well I don't know, un. Some people just throw it away, but some people treasure their virginity and want to give it to the person they truly love, un."
"You threw yours away, didn't you?"
"No, un! Ok, so it was illegal, and in the back of a van, but to me, it was a big deal, un."
"Who did you loose it to?"
"Some guy named Madara, un. Left right after, of course, after all the dumb promises to keep me quiet, un."
"Jeez, harsh," Kisame lamented. "Does it hurt a ton?" Deidara laughed.
"Borrow one of Konan's dildos and shove it up your ass, and see how you like it, un. Unless, of course, you have an abnormally large dick, un."
"Do you bleed?" Kisame asked, ignoring Deidara's dick comment. Deidara laughed again.
"The first time, un? Of course, yeah." Kisame paled. "Not a lot, un, just a little dribble, un. Even women bleed on their first time, no big deal, un." Kisame sighed.
"Did you cry?" he asked. Deidara laughed again.
"Of course I did, un. It wouldn't be my first time if I didn't cry, yeah. Aw, don't get that look, Kisame! It's just like a sparkling tear on the cheek, not like complete balling, un. And I probably would've cried anyway, even if it didn't hurt, because it just feels that good your first time, un."
"It's horrifying," Kisame admitted. Deidara looked sympathetically at him.
"You and Itachi haven't had sex, have you, un?"
"No, he's scared."
"But Kisa, think about it from his point of view, un! Think about how much you gauge by someone's face, un. And he's only heard about sex from text books and me, un. If I were him I'd castrate you, un."
"What?"
"I know it's hard to deny a seme man sex, so I'd just insure you wouldn't try anything, un."
"You scare me."
"You scare him, un."
"But… if you knew what the first time would've been like, would you still go through with it?" Deidara laughed.
"Yeah, but I'd bring a bowl to puke into, un. He got mad at me for getting his seat dirty, un."
"Are you sure? Really, what did it give you?" Deidara sighed.
"You only get one first time, and if you're going to throw it away, chuck it as far as you can, un. If you're going to hold it close, don't let go for anyone, un."
"Wow. That's pretty special."
"Yup, un. How about you, who did you give yours to?"
"Some chick in the bathroom at a Guns and Roses concert," Kisame sighed. Deidara laughed. "Hey, it's not funny! I was drunk!"
"Aw, Kisa, it's sweet, un! A bathroom is no place to do it for the first time, un."
"Yeah, and a van is any better?" Kisame snapped. Deidara shrugged.
"He parked it outside a nice hotel, un." Kisame rolled his eyes.
"That's worlds better," he said sarcastically. "We had background music."
"We had a carpet, un."
"With sick on it."
"Ouch, un."
"Anyway, what do you think it would be like to loose your virginity in a few years?"
"There'd be the social pressure, un. I mean, some people are scared of being virgins forever, and it's sort of expected to not be like a forty year old virgin, un. If everyone just happened to be talking about sex and virginity, I'd feel really left out and embarrassed, un. I might be pressured into just chucking it, no matter how I felt or who I was with, un." Kisame stared at him.
"Wow. I never thought of that. Has anyone ever told you you're a genius?" Deidara laughed.
"Nope, un. But please, there's always time for a first, un."
"Sasori, un?"
"Yeah?"
"We're going dancing, un."
"What?"
"Me, you, Hidan, and Kakuzu are all going dancing, un."
"Do they know?"
"No. You're going to tell Kakuzu, and I'll get Hidan, and we'll all go dancing Friday night, un."
"Sorry, I don't dance."
"Neither do I, I resemble something like a horse having a seizure, un."
"Then why are we going dancing?"
"Because Hidan loves to dance, un."
"What?"
"It's really amazing, it's like he was born dancing, un."
"Ok, so Hidan likes to dance. Why are Kakuzu and us going along?"
"A few reasons, un. #1: Kisame and Itachi need time alone, and I've made sure Konan's going to be at home, un. #2: We need to make Kakuzu and Hidan feel like two third wheels, un."
"I don't quite follow."
"Look, I was waiting for them both to figure it out, but Kakuzu's still been giving you looks, un. And Hidan's as lost as ever, un. We've got to make them feel like two third wheels, just to give them a push forward, un."
"I see. I'll do it on one condition."
"What, un?"
"Save me a slow dance."
"Of course, un." Deidara walked further into the cubicle draping himself over Sasori's shoulders. "Just don't laugh when I dance, un."
"Hey Kakuzu, want to come dancing?" Sasori asked. He burned with embarrassment at having to ask his ex-boyfriend to go dancing. Kakuzu was evidently thinking the same thing.
"Dancing?"
"Deidara's idea, and we've invited you and Hidan."
"I see."
"Please?"
"Did you just ask politely?"
"Yes."
"Fine. I'll go."
"Good."
"Hidan, un," Deidara whined. "Will you come dancing with me, un?"
"What?"
"Dancing, un. Me, Sasori, Kakuzu, and you, un."
"Why?"
"I want to, un."
"Fine. When?"
"Friday."
"Cool."
Deidara smiled as Sasori stared at him. He was wearing a pair of tight jeans and a tasty vest. "What, you didn't expect me to go dressed normally, un?" he said, smiling. Sasori blinked, stepping closer to Deidara.
"You look good," he said, kissing him lightly on the cheek. Hidan coughed loudly behind them. Sasori smirked, looking at Deidara. The little shit, that was his plan.
"Jeez, Hidan, don't overreact, un," Deidara said, smirking. "Who's driving, un?"
"I am," Kakuzu sighed. "Come on, let's go." Deidara, Sasori, and Hidan all followed him to the car.
Kakuzu was staring. Hidan moved his body like liquid, matching perfectly against Deidara's. They moved like serpents, twisting and writhing against each other. It didn't even matter what the song was, all that had Kakuzu's attention was Hidan's beautiful body. "Deidara said he didn't dance," Sasori said. "The little shit." Kakuzu glanced over at his redheaded friend.
"Oh?"
"I only came because I thought he was going to be some awkward kid, you know, cute? But… God…" Kakuzu chuckled.
"They're beautiful, aren't they?" Sasori laughed.
"Oh my. Are you also talking about Hidan?" Kakuzu was silent. "I agree. Deidara makes anyone look good."
"Even you?"
"Oh, that was low." The song ended, and Deidara and Hidan came back to Sasori and Kakuzu.
"Neh, Sasori, come dance with me, un!" Deidara pleaded. Sasori gulped.
"Um… no. I'll sit this one out." Deidara sighed, turning to Kakuzu.
"Dance with me, un?" Kakuzu sighed.
"If Sasori said no, what makes you think I'll say yes?"
"Because I'm so cute, un?" Deidara leaned closer to Kakuzu, their faces inches from each other, Kakuzu feeling Deidara's hot breath on his face.
"Come on, Deidara, we're dancing," Sasori growled, grabbing Deidara's wrist and pulling him to the dance floor. Deidara smirked over his shoulder, mouthing a 'thank you' to Kakuzu. Kakuzu smirked.
"He's a little bitch, isn't he?" he said, not looking at Hidan.
"A bitch in heat," Hidan said. "He told Sasori he couldn't dance so he could lure him here. He really wants to get laid."
"I see."
"He did the same thing to me. Hey, you want to dance?" Hidan got up, grabbing Kakuzu's hand and dragging him onto the floor.
"Don't look now," Deidara whispered, "but Hidan just asked Kakuzu to dance, un."
"That was your plan, right?" Sasori whispered back. Deidara smirked.
"Yup, un. Look, aren't they cute, un?"
"I never thought of either of them as cute," Sasori admitted, trying to keep from ravishing the blond right there on the dance floor. Deidara glanced over his shoulder at the other pair. When he looked back, he found Sasori's lips on his. Deidara smiled into the kiss. Exactly as planned.
And finally, a slow song came around just when they were thinking of leaving. Sasori looked at Deidara. "May I have this dance?" he asked. Deidara rolled his eyes.
"What would you do if I said no, un?" he said as he allowed himself to be led to the floor. Hidan sighed, watching after them.
"They're suck jerks, leaving us here," he said. "Want to show them up?"
"Pardon?"
"Come on, let's dance." Kakuzu silently followed Hidan back to the dance floor, making sure to keep them at an arm's distance. Sasori drew Deidara close, the blonde resting his head on the redhead's shoulder. They just fit together so perfectly, Hidan wished he could have someone like that for him. He looked at Kakuzu, and something just sort of clicked. Deidara had obviously invited them along for a reason other than dancing. Konan could dance amazingly well. So why invite Kakuzu? But it was then that the song ended. Kakuzu quickly let go of him, and turned to leave. Like that, it was over.