Author's Note: I'm posting my other works to FF that never quite made it here. This was posted at B4A and on my website, way back when it was written. That was... 2005.
December 31, 2010 - Edited for section breaks and grammar.
Three days ago Josh and I finally had the talk that we've needed to have for the last, oh—five years, or so. Two and a half days ago, Lou sent me to New Mexico to work on message with the state campaign headquarters. Consequently, and only because of hair brained scheduling, I haven't talked to Josh since he left my hotel room that night. I'm actually starting to worry now that maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I'm constantly worried that I've ruined a good thing even though Josh said he's glad to know. Of course, I'm not really sure you could call what Josh and I have had for the last few months "a good thing". As a matter of fact, I'd probably call it a bad thing.
But anyway, since I haven't talked to him in three days and I'm starting to worry that I've screwed things up, I've decided to call him when I get back to the hotel tonight. There is three hours difference between us. With any sort of luck I'll make it back to my room before eight. Of course, I'm not a lucky woman.
I finally do make it back to the room at ten o'clock. But, my resolve is steady. I'm going to call Josh tonight. We definitely need to talk. We can't have a big, life changing talk like the one we had the other night and not follow it up with a testing the waters kind of talk, can we?
His cell phone only rings twice before he answers. "Josh Lyman." Oh, I think I woke him up.
"Hey, it's me."
"Donna? What's wrong? Aren't you in Utah?"
"New Mexico. Nothing's wrong, I just wanted to talk to you."
"It's one a.m., Donna."
"I know. I'm sorry I woke you up, it's just—" It's just nothing. And now that I've called and woken him up, I'm afraid that I've crossed some sort of line since I'm not his girlfriend or, well, I don't know. I need to know what the boundaries are. Oh. Okay. "I need to know what the boundaries are, Josh."
"Huh?" He's real articulate in the middle of the night.
"Boundaries, Joshua. What are they? I mean, when am I allowed to call? How often? What am I allowed to talk to you about when I do call?"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Boundaries."
"Yeah, I got that much. I just don't understand what you're talking about."
"How can you go from being the sensitive, caring, perceptive, understanding guy you were the other night to this…regular Joe?" Now I'm just flustered.
"Donna," I can practically hear him running his hand through his hair, "There aren't any boundaries. You can call whenever you want, as often as you want, to talk about whatever you want. You are my best friend. I will put up with you at any given time for any given reason because despite your propensity to call at the most inconvenient moments, I love you." He does? I mean, I know he does, but is he just going to go around saying it willy-nilly now? Because I don't think I can handle that. "Donna?" That's just not fair. I bear my soul, he tells me he's not sure what he wants and then just tells me that he loves me? How am I supposed to read that? "Donna!"
"What?"
"You had something you wanted to talk about. Other than boundaries, I mean, because really, who would call at one in the morning to talk about boundaries?"
"I'm afraid I've screwed things up."
"You've only been in Arizona for two days. How badly could you have screwed up the message we've been crafting for months?"
"New Mexico and I'm not talking about the goddamned campaign, Josh! I'm talking about you and me."
"Oh. Give me a little leeway here, Donna. I was sleeping for the first time in two days."
"Look, this obviously isn't a good time to talk—"
"No. No way, Donnatella. You brought it up; we're going to talk about it. I'm not going to start the next seven years off the way we spent the last." Next seven years? "You haven't screwed anything up. I'm the one who asked you to come down and have a drink with me. I anticipated when I made the invitation, that there would be— you know— talking involved."
"I don't want to screw this up though, and I'm not even sure what this is! I tell you everything and you come back to me with 'I'm not sure what I want'. Well, okay Josh, be unsure about what you want because the truth is I'm not sure what I want either!" Now I'm just upset.
"Are you breaking up with me?" He pauses, I have no answer. "How can you break up with me when we aren't even dating?"
"Then obviously I'm not breaking up with you!"
"Why are you yelling at me? Until about six minutes ago I was sleeping, content in the fact that I had my best friend back. Then, six minutes ago, supposed best friend calls, all insecure, and before I know what's happening, said best friend flies off the deep end and tries to end a relationship that has even started!"
"Hasn't started?" What! "Hasn't started?" I'm sputtering. "What do you mean 'hasn't started'? I'd say that we're smack dab in the middle of something Joshua Lyman. Hasn't started. Are you trying to piss me off? And what do you mean 'flying off the deep end'? These are valid concerns, Josh! I want to know that I haven't ruined what is potentially the best relationship of my life!"
"You want to know if you've ruined a relationship I told you I wasn't sure I was ready for or even wanted?"
Oh, we are so done talking.
"Donna?" What the hell? "Donna!" She hung up on me! What the hell just happened here? Well, I'm wide awake now. And, I think Donna just broke up with me. Can she do that? And why the hell is she so mad at me? There's only one person who can help me solve this. I dial the number and wait.
"Sierra, just bring whatever you think you're supposed to bring. For the last time, I don't care!"
Okay, not the response I was expecting. "Don't you have caller ID anymore?"
"Josh?"
"The one and only. And who is Sierra?"
"She's…well, as stupid as it feels to say this at 40, she's my girlfriend."
"And what exactly is she bringing over?" I'm letting my voice imply things here…he gets very flustered when I do that.
"For me to know and all of that. Isn't it like one o'clock there? And where are you anyway?" Well, that was no fun.
"DC. Campaign headquarters for the moment. And yes, it's one o'clock. I just had a very disturbing conversation and I'm not sure what happened. I need help."
"Donna?"
"How would you know that?"
"Josh, we've been friends for twenty years. The last decade of which—"
"I'm just going to interrupt you for a moment, Sam, to say that it definitely has not been a decade."
"Anyway, the last seven years of which you've been in love with your assistant. Now that said assistant is no longer your assistant, well, you're free to feel unbossly like feelings for her."
"I'm pretty sure 'unbossly' isn't a word."
"You wanted help?"
"Yeah. Continue."
"Of course, I'm a little confused because the last segment of the saga I got had her asking for a job and you not giving her one."
"Yeah, well, my great luck has her working on the campaign anyway. Hired by Lou the meddler who doesn't care about the list of women we're not allowed to hire."
"The list of women you're not allowed to hire because you either dated them or romantically offended them in some way?"
"Yeah, that list."
"And, 'Lou the meddler'?"
"Shut up."
"So tell me what happened."
"We finally talked, Sam. And she told me things. Intimate things about feelings and how they were all consuming and that's why she had to leave."
"I have a feeling that you're paraphrasing down by like five thousand words."
"That's the gist of the whole thing. Anyway, I tell her I'm not sure what I want, that I'm not sure what I'm ready for. I tell her that I can't watch her walk out of my life again, she says she won't. Then we both agree that we're not sure what to do."
"Okay. Well, it sounds like you solved nothing."
"Not true. We solved all sorts of things. Like now I know how she feels about me. Or, felt about me. Since she doesn't feel that way anymore. By the way, do you understand the concept of loving someone but not being in love with them?"
"Sure."
"Did I miss that day in law school, or what?"
"It's not that complicated Josh. One is about wanting to share things with a person and the other is about wanting to share your whole existence with them."
"That's sort of what she said…but there was something about laughter." Why does it seem like I'm the only guy on earth who can't get a handle on the whole relationship thing? "And so anyway, she calls me tonight to ask me about boundaries and then she breaks up with me because I'm not sure what I want so she's decided she's not sure what she wants either."
"Broke up with you? I didn't even know you were together."
"Me either! And when I asked her if she could even break up with me when we weren't together she gets mad. She yells and then I tell her I'm not sure how she can end a relationship that hasn't even started. She starts talking about ruining the best relationship of her life. I asked her why she wanted to know if she had ruined a relationship I told I wasn't sure I was ready for or even wanted. Then, she hung up on me."
"You made a tactical error, there, Buddy."
"I know that. What I need to know is exactly what I did wrong and what it's going to take the fix it. Because she's coming back here in four days and I don't think it's going to be pretty."
"You don't know what you did?"
"Is this going to be one of those 'If you don't know what you did I'm not going to tell you' things? Cause if so, I could really just call Donna back."
"Josh. Focus. Really, you've got me for about fifteen more minutes."
"Okay. Go ahead. Tell me how I screwed up, Dr. Phil."
"The absolute wrong thing to say after all of that was to ask her why she was worried about ruining a relationship that you weren't even sure you wanted. I'm guessing she completely bared her soul in that original conversation. You, in a strange moment of perception listened and responded in healthy and thoughtful way. Then, when she starts to feel insecure, when she starts to worry that maybe she put too much pressure on you…That maybe she told you things you weren't comfortable with…She thought maybe she had ruined your relationship. Your friendship, Josh. And all its other weird idiosyncrasies. You respond immediately like a man who feels trapped or persecuted would. You told her you weren't even sure you wanted a relationship. The relationship she was worried about, and I'm about 95% sure on this, was your friendship. You went and drug the possible romantic relationship into the whole thing and killed any and all hope she had for a real relationship with you. She responded by getting mad instead of getting sad. To fix it? I don't know…you guys always did real well with the talking." Was that sarcasm? "Why don't you try that? And try to have more of an open mind than you did before, huh?"
"Admit it Sam, you're actually a woman trapped in a man's body."
"Thank you for demeaning my masculinity, Josh. Understanding how women work doesn't make me less of a man than you. It makes me less single than you. Call Donna. I'll talk to you later."
"Bye, Sam."
"Later."
I guess I'd better call Donna back. The truth of the matter is I am worried about what's going to happen with us. I'm not sure I want a relationship with anyone let alone a relationship with her. We've got this history. It's not really a bad history. We were great together—as boss and assistant. Our personal lives together were a mess. Shouldn't that be some kind of sign? If we couldn't even get it together back then when we were practically on top of one another eighteen hours a day, what makes us thing that we can get it together when we're unlikely to even be in the same state more than about twelve days a month?
What I feel for Donna is different than what I have felt for any other woman. I don't know what to do with that. Intellectually I know that Donna's worried that her tell all has spooked me. But, it didn't. It really didn't. I am glad to know how she feels. How she felt. And I'm a little heartbroken that she doesn't feel that way for me anymore. No, I don't know what I want. I just know that I can't imagine the rest of my life without Donna in it. I'm just not sure in what capacity she belongs there.
It's like Donna and I have been dancing around this thing since we met. But things never come together the way they should. We take one step forward then two steps back. But I don't know how to deal with this insecure Donna anymore. She hasn't been this way in a long time. And last time we talked, so was so strong. So sure about the way she felt. And now it's like I've got that young, coltish girl in my office all over again. Don't get me wrong. I was enamored with her then, instantly. But as she gained confidence and knowledge she started to exude this powerful sexuality. Oh, she's had her moments over the last many years when it was like being around that girl again, but they were brief and rarely interfered with what was going on with us. I hate that I have the power to turn her into the same kind of woman that Dr. Freeride turned her into. That doesn't say very good things for me, does it?
I should have kissed her that night in the bar when I first had the impulse to. Of course, I'm a little afraid of where that would have led. I've fantasized about making love to Donna for a long time. But when you've got that much mentally invested into something there's a very real risk that it won't live up to expectations. But, it's me and Donna. There's no way it could be anything less than amazing. We were made to fit together somehow. And it's hard not to imagine that we'd be just as good in bed as we are in the office.
She told me that night, in no uncertain terms, that there was a time when she wanted me. I wonder if she purposely used the past tense to protect herself or if she really doesn't want me anymore. Part of me can't help but think that if we were to just do it, finally, that maybe it would fix this thing. Maybe we'd be so good at it that it would help me make up my mind about what I really want. Or maybe, and this is a very minimal possibility, we'd be so bad at it that it would help both of us disengage a little bit.
It's true that I don't know what I want—ultimately. But it's also true that I love Donna more than I ever thought it was possible to love a woman. I am afraid of that love she had for me. If it's all consuming, doesn't it take a part of who you are away? Can you still be the same people in a relationship if you're both so crazy in love with the other person that you start to lose who you are? And I still don't know about being a husband and a father. Assuming that's what she wants. I don't even know what she wants. Yeah, I definitely need to call Donna back.
I can't believe how that conversation went. I tried to hold it together when I got off the phone with him, but I couldn't. I finally stopped crying five minutes ago. I handled that badly. I yelled at him after I backed him into a corner…I did things that I have warned my friends not to do. I should call him back to apologize. Of course, he may not want to talk to me right now. I wouldn't blame him. What happened to me? I haven't been that way in a long time. He was right when he called me insecure. I was feeling insecure, but that's no excuse for the way I reacted. I knew what he meant. And then I forced him to defend himself by saying things I know weren't exactly what he meant.
I'm startled when the phone rings. It's him. Oh, thank God. "Josh, I'm so sorry." I answer.
"No, Donna. It was me, I'm sorry."
I laugh a little at the ridiculousness of this. "Let's just say it was both of us."
"Okay." His voice is low and soothing. This is how he used to sound when we'd talk late at night. I missed this voice. It's raspy, a little edgy. "I think that we have a lot more talking to do. When do you come home?"
"Day after tomorrow. It's not going to be any easier when I get there. I still work for you."
"We work for the Congressman. I just run the campaign. Let's think of it like that for now. It's not how it used to be, Donna. And if we do get into the Whitehouse…" he trails off.
"I won't be working for you." I finish. I'm not going back to being Josh's assistant. I can't. Not after all of this. Not after everything that happened.
"What are your plans for after?"
"After the election?"
"Mm-hmm"
"I don't know yet. I'll stay in DC, I guess. Politics is in my blood now. I can't imagine giving it up. I should probably finish my degree…it's hard to be an operative without some sort of education to back you up."
"You want to be an operative?" He sounded all proud and cocky there.
"Yeah. I have no desire to be an assistant forever and I don't think I want to run for office. I like being in the trenches. You taught me to love the good fight, Joshua."
"I really am sorry for tonight, Donna. I'm not trying to hurt you."
"I know you're not. We just seem to be able to hurt each other without making much of an effort."
"When you get home we'll work this thing out, okay?"
"I don't think we're going to be able to work this entire thing out in one sitting."
"Well, we'll at least try to make a step forward."
"All right. Good night, Josh."
"Good night, Donnatella." He pauses, and just as I'm about to hang up he says, "Love you."
"I love you too, Joshua. Sleep well." And then we disconnect.