A/N: Hey all, this is a rather desperate chapter of dialogue! I dedicate this chapter to black55widow, because she deserves a little special something.
"Konan-saaaaaaaaan!" Tobi called, bursting into her office without knocking. Konan groaned.
"Tobi, how many times do I have to tell you not to barge in without knocking?" she snapped.
"Sorry, Konan-san, but- hey, why do I have to knock?"
"Because the prostitute under my desk needs to have at least two seconds of warning," Konan replied. Tobi stared at her.
"You-"
"Sarcasm, Tobi. Now come in, for God's sake." Tobi hurriedly stepped into the office and closed the door behind himself.
"There's an important looking letter here for you," Tobi said, handing it over. Konan took it hurriedly and glanced at the address. She smiled.
"Thank you, Tobi. Anything else?"
"No ma- Konan-san."
"Good. Go see if Itachi needs anything copied." Tobi skipped merrily out of the room, Konan settling back in her chair.
"Gah! For Christ's sake, I do not need anything copied, delivered, or translated into brail, yeah! Go annoy somebody who needs something done, yeah!" Hidan glanced up at Kakuzu.
"What do you want to bet Tobi decided to pester Deidara today?" Kakuzu sighed.
"He's next to useless. I don't see why we need him around."
"Would you like Zetsu to run the copier?"
"Could be interesting."
"If it's not too much trouble, please be civil and refrain from discussing me behind my back, please," came Zetsu's curt voice from his cubicle. Hidan wiggled his middle finger at the small enclosure. He dragged Kakuzu out of hearing distance.
"See, that's what happens when you don't get enough sex. And you wonder why I'm always horny." Kakuzu sighed, rolling his eyes.
"What are you, Freud?"
"Who?" Kakuzu raised an eyebrow.
"Never mind." Just then, Tobi trotted happily into Hidan.
"Oops! Sorry, Hidan! Sempai threw me out of his office." Tobi skipped merrily down the hall and to the copy machine. Hidan and Kakuzu exchanged a look. Reading each other's minds, they retreated to the darkroom. Hidan was shaking his head.
"My God, when Sasori gets back he's going to slaughter that little brat."
"I'd love to disagree, but you're right. Sasori is very protective."
"Part of me wants to save the poor soul and tell him to stop coming on to Deidara, but the other half wants to see a good fight."
"It won't be a good fight, it'll be Sasori beating the shit out of a mentally disabled, immature copy guy."
"And that doesn't constitute good fight because…?" Kakuzu sighed.
"I'm not a fucking woman, you retard, un!" Hidan chuckled.
"Let's go see what's up this time," he said, sneaking from the darkroom and down the hall. Deidara was glaring daggers at Tobi, who looked sorry enough, but couldn't quite grasp what he'd done wrong. "What's going on?" Hidan asked.
"I only said Sempai's hair was pretty today, honest!" Tobi cried. Hidan chuckled, patting the taller man on the shoulder.
"Tobi, Deidara is a man. To any man, no matter how gay, pretty is not a compliment."
"I didn't mean to be mean!" Tobi cried pathetically. Hidan turned to Deidara.
"Have a heart, Deidara," he said, trying not to laugh. Deidara sniffed.
"I don't eat mine cold, yeah." With that, he turned and went back into his cubicle. Hidan sighed, looking sympathetically at Tobi.
"Now, if you want my advice, I suggest you hide right now. When Sasori gets back, I'll bet he somehow has some form of weaponry on him." Tobi blanched. "Oh, of course you expected Deidara's little hubby to wreak his complete and full revenge on you. That's the only reason Deidara didn't punch your lights out right now, he knows Sasori's gonna give it to you worse." Tobi was looking more and more panicked. Hidan sighed. "Do you want to know what to do?"
"What?"
"Go buy me a coffee and a doughnut, and I'll take care of the rest." Tobi leapt to do as Hidan instructed. Once he was out of earshot, Hidan burst out laughing.
"That was mean," Kakuzu commented, smiling himself. Deidara peeked over the top of his cubicle.
"Next time make him get me a laté, yeah."
"You two are horrible," Kisame said, sticking his own head over his cubicle wall. "You could've gotten him to do it without threatening him."
"But he deserved it, un!" Deidara whined.
"But you shouldn't make fun of crippled people," Kisame replied.
"I don't think he's that bad," Itachi said, suddenly joining the conversation. "Maybe it's just an act?"
"He could be an ex-axe murderer," Hidan said, eyes lighting up.
"Or a secret genius that Konan has secret plans for," Kisame said, joining in.
"Like it's a test or something, to see if we can be nice to strange people, un?" Deidara suggested.
"Yeah. Or, he's the leader of an alien race, and just can't quite get a handle on being human," Hidan said. They all laughed at that. Around the corner, Tobi sighed, sitting on the floor, feeling like crying.
Hidan brushed past Kakuzu, a pillow held against his chest. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow. Hidan grinned and put the pillow on the couch, before walking back to the bedroom. Kakuzu watched as he brought another pillow out and put it on the ground next to the couch. He then made to go back to the bedroom, before Kakuzu stopped him.
"What's going on?" he asked. Hidan grinned a little wider.
"We're having a camp-out in the living room," he replied matter-of-factly. "And don't you dare think of saying no," he added as Kakuzu opened his mouth to reply. "Come on, it'll be fun! You know, like in middle school?" Kakuzu remained silent. "Well, this'll be your first living room camp-out, then!" Hidan happily went back to the bedroom to retrieve God knows what else. Kakuzu leaned casually against the wall, trying to remember if he had ever been to a sleepover. Probably in elementary school… maybe… his memory really had gone to shit. Probably not after elementary, though. That's when people chose friends for different reasons, and had refused to hang out with him. Kakuzu shook his head. This was stupid. But he might as well just cave in to Hidan's whim.
He watched as Hidan set up two sleeping bags, sort of curious and sort of wary. This couldn't possibly be a subliminal message that Hidan didn't want to sleep in the same bed, could it? No, Hidan was mature enough to talk out anything- mature. Hidan. Shit.
"Kuzu?"
"Hmm?"
"Spacing much?" Kakuzu shrugged. "Hey, I've got a question."
"Shoot."
"Do you speak Japanese?"
"Fluently."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah."
"Say something in Japanese."
"Aishiteru." He hadn't meant to say it, it was just one of the first things that had popped into his head. Being bilingual, he often thought in Japanese and English equally, so he'd probably thought that. He had never said it in any seriousness to anyone.
"And what does that mean?" Hidan asked. Kakuzu pecked his lips.
"I love you." Hidan smiled happily. He functioned much better with someone wrapped around his finger.
After a game of rock paper scissors, pouting, threats, and a few crocodile tears, they ended up watching The Lord of the Rings three hour marathon. For the first hour they had made jokes about it, but Hidan not having actually read the books limited how far they could take them. For the second hour they just ended up tangled up on the couch, staring mindlessly at the screen. For the final hour, Hidan got bored and started pondering the meaning of life, while Kakuzu sat and pondered where the hell Tom Bombadil went.
Hidan bit his lip as he glanced at Kakuzu. He was going over his conversation with Sasori carefully. He doubted he'd be able to get a hold of the redhead this weekend. Deidara said he deserved to be fucked the entire weekend to make up for Sasori being gone and having their marriage flushed down the toilet by prop. 8. That wouldn't have been much of a problem, if Sasori hadn't full heartedly agreed. So how he was doing his best to remember advice given by his friend.
"I don't really have all the grimy details, Kakuzu doesn't talk about that."
"Well fuck."
"Don't swear."
"And you're screwing Deidara?"
"Shut it. Why do you want to know?"
"I think it bugs him. I mean, not a lot, but it's kinda like… it's there, and he doesn't quite know how to say it…"
"I don't quite follow, but if you want to get anything out of that man, you have to do so tactfully. It's better if the lights are off, Kakuzu, as you know, has a thing about how he looks. Tell him exactly what you want from him by telling him about yourself, everything you'd like to know about."
"You lost me."
"If you want to know if he had a water balloon fight with his uncle when he was twelve, tell him that you didn't have a water balloon when you were twelve with your uncle."
"Oh. Oh! I get it!"
"Good for you. Have I helped you enough?"
"Yup. Thanks a lot!"
Hidan began absentmindedly running his fingers through Kakuzu's hair. Kakuzu leaned back, enjoying the affectionate gesture. The tender ending was coming to a close, Frodo leaving on the ship towards la-la-land, but neither of them was paying attention. Hidan kissed Kakuzu's cheek, sliding off the couch and finding Kakuzu's lips with his own. Kakuzu kissed back, hands alighting on Hidan's hips. They kissed passionately for a minute or two, before Hidan climbed off of Kakuzu and lay back on the couch. Kakuzu lay down on his own sleeping bag next to the couch. With a deep breath, Hidan began.
"So, like, I don't think my parents even married. My dad wasn't a bad guy, liked, he smoked and drank and shit, but he wasn't mean or anything. My mom didn't like him, though, and she tried to get full custody of me. So I could only see him on weekends and holidays, and she remarried a freak. I liked my dad. He was cool. Like, he took me to amusement parks and taught me to ride a motorcycle." Kakuzu listened patiently. "But he died when I was ten. He happened to be caught in the cross-fire of some gang fight.
"My step-dad is a real number. They had two kids together, and nothing I did could make me equal to them. Like, seriously, no joke. And my mom liked her nice, normal kids a lot better than me. So I did everything I could to piss them off. My step-dad doesn't like the fact I'm bi, so I'd be sure to remind him of it every chance I got. They hated me riding motorcycles, so I did it as loudly and as often as possible." Hidan chuckled slightly. "But there was no way they'd let me drop out of college, so I just went into photography and modeling. My half-siblings are starting to rebel as well, so it seems like I've started anarchy in a previously acceptable household." Hidan was silent. "So how 'bout you?" Kakuzu sighed. Hidan was really obvious.
"My parents were drug lords. They had as much money as they did enemies. I was six when it happened. I got a backpack, packed a few things, and left. I really was going to run away. But eventually, after the rest of the day, I got picked up by a cop. The cop took me home, and almost caught my parents doing a drug deal. Once the cop left, I went through so much hell. I won't go into it all. So the next day, I ran away again. I was picked up again, but when we got back to my house, it was burned to the ground." Kakuzu sighed. "Nothing else really happened."
"Liar. How the hell did you end up in Japan?"
"I grew up here, and it seemed like everything was a lie. They kept saying someone would bother to take me in, and the counselor would want to talk to me and might give a shit about what was going on with me. I'd rather they just said no one would ever care. I appreciate truthfulness more than lies."
"So no one…"
"No. But I managed to scrape up enough money to go study business in Japan. There I met Sasori, and you know the rest."
"Where did you learn Japanese?"
"School."
"So who's older, you or Sasori?"
"Me."
"Why did you move to Japan?"
"To learn business."
"Oh."
"And… it was easier to obtain the medication I needed." They hadn't mentioned Kakuzu's condition in what felt like ages. Hidan had already gone into something akin to denial. A long silence descended on the couple.
"I love you," Hidan said suddenly. Kakuzu hummed.
"I love you too," he said. And they both truly and honestly meant it.
Sasori straddled Deidara on the bed, kissing heatedly. He removed his mouth long enough to gaze at Deidara's face, before he descended once again to the blonde's neck. Deidara moaned and pressed their chests together, and something felt different. Sasori pushed Deidara back and stuck his hand up the blonde's shirt. Deidara moaned and arched up against Sasori, but the redhead pushed him back down, stripping his torso. Definitely, round, plump breasts. Deidara leaned back willingly, spreading his… her… thighs…
Sasori stuck his hand down Deidara's pants. His eyes widened as he did not find what he was looking for. He looked at Deidara, and-
Sasori shot straight up in bed, breathing hard. The room was still dark. "Mmm, Danna?" Deidara asked sleepily, rolling over.
"You're a man."
"Mm-hmm. Teenager if you want to be technical, un." Deidara yawned, curling up.
"I'm gay."
"Good for you, yeah. I am too, un."
"Like, seriously."
"We'll have sex tomorrow, hmm. I'm tired, yeah." Deidara pulled Sasori back down on the bed and snuggling up to him. Sasori lay back, but he didn't sleep.
.
"Kakuzu, I have a problem." It was in Japanese, and Sasori, so Kakuzu knew something was up.
"Well?"
"Do you have the time to talk?"
"Yeah."
"Have you ever had a dream where… people switch genders?"
"No."
"Really?"
"Yes. Continue."
"I had a dream where Deidara was a girl."
"It's an easy mistake."
"No, like really a girl, with tits and everything."
"So where's this problem come in?"
"What if I liked it?"
"Well, it was Deidara."
"Would you get hard if you felt Hidan's tits?"
"Irrelevant- Hidan's a man."
"But what if he wasn't?"
"Then I'd be seriously reconsidering my sexuality."
"Exactly!"
"But Deidara's a man."
"But this dream is bound to be a subconscious message."
"Either you took drugs, or ate something weird before bed." There was a stiff silence on the other end. Kakuzu had merely meant it as a joke. "What do you care anyway?"
"I don't know, it's just…"
"Don't read too much into it, Sasori. And if you really need to talk, talk to Deidara."
"But he'll get offended." Kakuzu snorted.
"No he wouldn't, he'd get a sex change."
"I don't know…"
"If you need to talk, just talk to him. He'll understand."
"I don't think so. But whatever. You don't think it means anything though, right?"
"If anything, it means you'd accept Deidara no matter what."
"But I don't look at other guys at all."
"My point exactly. Don't let it bother you."
"If you're sure…"
"Positive."
"I'd better get going, then. I think Deidara's waking up."
"All right. See you on Monday."
"All right." Kakuzu hung up and put the handset back.
"What was that all about?" Hidan asked. Kakuzu turned to face him.
"Sasori was having a problem, and I just chatted." Hidan rolled his eyes, draping himself sultrily across Kakuzu. Kakuzu held him and they kissed fiercely, almost desperately. They both felt a change coming.