Here it is . . . the meeting you've been waiting for . . .
lol
Not ours. And we lament that every day.
Chapter 24: Positives and Negatives
Tuesday, 5:45 PM Bella
I stared at the clock on my phone. Edward had to be in transit by now. He was supposed to meet his dad at The Harvard Club at 6.
I knew he was keyed up. I didn't know what to say to help, so I said the only thing I could. I tapped out a quick message and hit send.
Be strong. I love you.
It was getting late, and I really needed to go. Edward had his challenging night ahead of him. It appeared that I would too.
I flipped off the lights in my office and made my way downstairs. I had called Demetri and told him not to worry about picking me up. Edward would go ballistic if he knew what I was going to do, but I needed to fly under the radar tonight.
It was raining lightly, so I pulled my trench coat tightly around me and slipped on my Yankees cap. He hadn't said anything more about me moving in with him. This hat was my only reminder that it was all real.
I had so many mixed reactions to my memories of Sunday. We'd been able to laugh, to relax, to have fun like we did in Washington. We'd managed to bring a little bit of our bubble out into the real world. It proved that we didn't need it to be us.
Both of us had expected the Yankees to win. When they didn't, it forced us to act like adults, to acknowledge that the bet probably hadn't been the wisest idea. We loved each other; neither of us doubted that. Yet we both knew that taking that next step should be based on a better foundation than how many men rounded the bases.
And I have to be honest with myself; I might have hit the panic button a bit as well. It's hard to shut off twenty five years of learned behavior. Was I too jaded, too emotionally closed off to make him happy? He was happy now, but would he stay that way?
I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind as I hailed a cab and gave the driver an address in SoHo.
Ten minutes later, he let me off at the corner of Spring and Mercer. There was a drugstore a few blocks from here, and it gave me a chance to collect my thoughts as I walked.
Life is a dichotomy. Edward was having dinner to talk through things with his father. Our relationship was at a crossroads. And amongst all of that turmoil, I was buying a pregnancy test.
Not for me, but for Alice.
We were all trying to resolve our parental issues in some way. Edward was facing his head on while Alice figured out if she would be one.
Black or white. Yes or no. Love or ambivalence. Positive or negative. No shades of grey tonight. But one way or another, life as I knew it was changing.
Once inside the drug store, I slipped to the back and consulted the list that I had jotted down in my office, ordered by efficiency ranking. I promised Alice that I would buy her the best tests and a boatload of chocolate. That's what friends do.
I selected two, just in case. I also purchased two pints of ice cream and a box of Kleenex. It could be a long night, and I had a feeling we were going to need all the support we could get.
I left the store and walked the few blocks to Alice's apartment. I couldn't help but wonder how things were going with Edward.
Tuesday, 5:58 PM Edward
The Harvard Club. His terms, definitely. So, he'd chosen the date, the time, and the place. The only control I had was whether or not I'd show up.
I was resolved to do it. This conversation could not have happened before now. Up until recently, I would not have seen a way for this to turn out well. Honestly, if it were only about me, I probably wouldn't have gone. It would have always bothered me to have a strained relationship with my father, but I could have lived with it if it meant never having to bow down to him. And the way he set this dinner in motion did have me feeling like I was already submissive.
But there were so many more people who needed this. Emmett and my mom desperately wanted peace in the family, and they deserved it. Plus, Bella needed me whole.
I'd been thinking so much about her moving in. I wanted to ask her about a thousand times a day. In the past weeks, it had come to the point where it literally hurt every night she didn't spent at my place. Granted, they were few and far between, but still, the idea that she had someplace else to be was painful. Somewhere along the line, though, I realized issues with my father had to have resolution one way or another before we took any more steps toward commitment.
She'd pegged me. Relationships had never been more than a game to me before. I was used to strategy and manipulation as a means to get my way. That wouldn't and shouldn't work with her. Using the bet as a means to move forward in the relationship was a sign of my past.
It wasn't fair to ask Bella to make a home with a broken man. And I decided this meeting tonight would fix me one way or another. As I'd told her the night of the horrendous event, if I had to say my peace and move on, I would. Still, I couldn't help but be hopeful. He had made the phone call after all.
I'd been carrying around the picture my mom had sent in the inside pocket of my jacket for a while now. It was a reminder of what had been and what I hoped could still be. I stood outside the Harvard Club for a moment, preparing myself, determining strategy. Delaying.
The maître d' knew me by face, and wordlessly escorted me to my father's usual table. I could feel eyes on me. The stares were a weight causing each step to be more forceful, more deliberate.
He was looking down as I approached. Fiddling with the menu in front of him. My father never fiddled. He must of heard us approaching because just before the maitre d' said, "Here we are Mr. Cullen," his eyes snapped up.
All my strategy, all my determination went out the window. He looked . . . vulnerable. I needed to be cautious in my interpretation however. After all, I'd sat in on enough business negotiations with him to know he was just as good at strategy and manipulation as I was. Hell, I probably learned it from him.
"Hello, Edward."
"Hi, Dad," I said as I sat down.
"I hope you approve of the location."
He was being cordial, and I knew he was capable of humor. It could go one way or the other. Since Bella came into my life, I'd discovered humor went a lot farther than an attack, so I took a gamble.
"Still trying to get me into Harvard after all these years, huh?" I smiled.
He paused a moment, but a corner of his mouth started to inch up. The other followed.
Tuesday, 6:30 PM Bella
"I don't know, Alice. Everything I read said you should do this in the morning. Something about everything storing up in your body so you get a better test first thing."
Alice held the small white stick in her hand like it was a knife.
"I can't wait until morning. I need to do this, now. What do I do? Pee in a cup? Pee on the stick?"
I looked back down at the instruction sheet in front of me.
"Pee on the absorbent part for five seconds. Then we wait."
She studied the stick for a moment longer.
"Give me one out of the other box too. I am double fisting it."
In any other situation, at any other time, her statement would have been funny. But laughter didn't seem appropriate tonight. I ripped open the box and handed her the stick, this one blue.
"Good luck."
She held the two sticks out in front of her like they might bite.
"Have the ice cream and the timer ready when I get back."
I heard the bathroom door click.
How did we get here? How had life become so complicated? It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I sat studying the box. I'd never known anyone who was pregnant before. The closest I had been to a pregnancy test was to pass them in the aisle to buy tampons.
Alice could be pregnant.
My mind shifted from Alice to Edward. Different situations, same issue.
Parenthood.
I only had one actively engaged in my life. Edward had two, but the connection was fragile. Alice and Jasper might be ones soon. Would they learn from our mistakes? From what we've had to deal with? Were we cursed to repeat the cycle?
Repeat the cycle. Is that what I wanted? Not to make the same mistakes, but to have the opportunity to?
What if it were me in there with those two plastic sticks?
Alice walked back out of the bathroom. Pale but determined.
"Set that egg timer to a nickel and give me a spoon. This may be the longest five minutes of my life."
I knew exactly how she felt.
Tuesday, 6:30 PM Edward
We began pleasantly. An observer wouldn't have known that apart from the day at in the Southampton library, we hadn't been alone together in six years, and that was merely an occasion for him to lambaste me before I left for LA. He didn't know at the time I'd already set the wheels in motion for the move, but his verbal castration was enough to send me packing within the week.
The Harvard Club was inherently formal, so the setting kept our tone serious but quiet. Everything we said had to filer through to a clear façade of formality and niceties.
"How was Washington, Edward?"
It was a good first question. Unfortunately, the answer was fairly complicated. I couldn't lie and say it was a great trip. He'd known we returned early, and he probably ascertained from my mother how things had gone. How much did he want to know? How would he use it against me?
"We were glad to get away from the cameras for a couple of days."
"I'm sure. You do seem to attract them."
Breathe. In and out. Listen to the tone. No bite. Maybe it's just an observation. Don't get defensive.
"Dad, I really don't want the attention. Not now anyway. I know that I was reckless before, but I promise that's not who I am today."
"How does she feel about all of this?"
Breath. In and out. She. Not Bella. Was it intended to de-individuate her, or was it merely too personal to use her name when they'd never really established a relationship. Don't get defensive.
"Bella is very strong. She has handled everything remarkably well, but she's still very human, and there have been some difficult challenges." I'd placed the emphasis on everything, as we were clearly talking about more than just the press.
"She has most definitely charmed your mother and brother."
"And me." Of course, charmed didn't even begin to describe what she'd done to me.
"Well, yes."
"And you?"
"I'm intrigued."
At that point, our salads arrived, and we both began to eat, grateful for the excuse not to talk. So far, so good. I couldn't let my guard down yet though.
Tuesday 6:45 Bella
The egg timer went off five minutes ago. Neither of us moved.
"Are you scared?"
Alice pulled in a long breath. "I don't know. Is that bad?"
"I don't know if anything is bad per se. How do you feel?"
"Nervous. Out of control." She paused. "But not scared."
"Does JW know?"
"Yeah. I couldn't keep this from him. But I couldn't take the test with him here. I didn't want to see disappointment in his eyes."
"Why would he be disappointed, Alice? He loves you. I am sure he'll be happy if you are."
Alice grabbed a Kleenex out of the box.
"That's the thing, B. He wants me to be pregnant. I told him that I was late, and he was over the moon. He started talking about all the things he would do. Going to the park and baseball. He was going on about buying Yankees season tickets…"
I laughed. It was totally involuntary. But all too ironic.
"What?"
"We went to a Yankees game on Sunday. Edward asked me if I would bet him. If the Yankees won, I would move in with him."
Alice leaned back against the couch. "Damn. What is it about boys and baseball? What happened?"
"They lost. Let's just say it spurred a discussion."
She stood, tossing the Kleenex on the coffee table. "Well, let's go figure out what my fate is. But so help me god, if I am pregnant, you better damn well move in with him. No way am I doing this whole 'before marriage' thing on my own."
"Leave it to you to be worried about appearances."
Alice stopped and turned to look at me.
"It has nothing to do with appearances, Bella, and everything to do with going with your heart. It's easy to get caught up in being scared, but sometimes, taking a chance and living is worth it."
Tuesday 7:00 Edward
I chewed slowly, prolonging conversation. I drank my first glass of wine a bit quickly, and was well on my way through my second, when I heard the clink of his fork.
"Are you happy with CI, Edward?"
"I am. I have always been proud of the company, and I believe I've been able to contribute since I've been back. Have there been any complaints about my performance?"
"No, certainly not. Quite the opposite. Many of my acquaintances have commented that you are building an excellent reputation. I just wanted to be sure you hadn't regretted your return."
"I haven't. I wanted to be home."
The main course arrived, giving me time to process the interaction. There was clearly an ocean between us, but we'd remained civil, and his questions almost seemed genuine. That wasn't to say this was easy. Walking on eggshells fit the scenario. Maybe chess match. Choose a metaphor that was about caution and calculation, and you'd have it.
"What are your intentions with this girl? Your mother seems to think you're quite serious." Interestingly, I hadn't received that question from her father.
"Actually, I am going to ask her to move in with me."
"I see. Do you think she will agree?"
"She's given me positive indications."
"She makes you happy then?"
I nodded. "She brings me to life, makes me feel human."
"Your mother heard you in the music room when you brought her to the beach house. She was impressed that you played for her. I can't remember the last time I heard you play."
I didn't need to think about my response.
"It was ten years ago. I was home for college, and mom asked me to play a few Christmas carols."
"You remember that?" He tilted his head and waited for my answer. I inhaled and met his eyes.
"It was the last time I remember you smiling at me."
The waiter had come to remove our entrée dishes. So, we both picked up our glasses and drank. We shooed away the dessert cart.
He looked down at his glass while he ran his fingers around the rim.
"Edward." He said it quietly, and I waited for something to follow, but nothing came. I knew it was time.
"Why?" I asked. And I felt like a boy again.
Tuesday 7:00 PM Bella
"Well, taking two at once definitely eliminated the need to say 'are you sure,' didn't it?"
We stared down at the two pieces of plastic. Each had the same indication.
"Yeah. Kind of makes me wish we did it the old fashioned way, killed a bunny, ya know. Somehow this feels anticlimactic."
My arms were already around Alice, my chin resting on her shoulder. All I could do was squeeze her.
"Is this the answer you wanted?"
She looked up at me, eyes bright. The beginning of a smile starting to form.
"Surprisingly enough, yeah."
"Whatever you want, I want."
"Thanks, B. Can you hand me the phone? I told Jasper I'd call him once I knew."
I retrieved the phone from the charging cradle and passed it to her. I stood up to leave, but she waved me back down.
"You know, I had it all figured out. How my life would go, career, marriage, maybe kids someday. None of it is happening like I thought, Bella. And you know what, I'm okay with that."
She stared at the phone in her hand.
"We will have to figure things out. Telling will make fessing up to Jack Hale look like nothing. I mean, come on, it's not like we've even been together as long as you and Edward have, and everyone considers you guys a whirlwind romance. But I'd face it all for this. As crazy as it sounds, it all feels right, like it's meant to be. ."
I envied her at that moment. Everything was so clear for them. A simple sign on a plastic pregnancy test gave them everything they were hoping for. Nothing in my life had ever been that clear cut.
Well, that wasn't entirely true. There was one thing in my life that was as simple as black and white. Positive or negative.
And that was when I realized that Alice was right. I was holding back. I was afraid. And because of that, I was missing out.
I loved Edward. I couldn't imagine my life without him. He was the first person I wanted to talk to in the morning. He made me laugh. He put up with my idiosyncrasies like only being able to sleep on the left side of the bed or eating all of one thing on my plate before starting on the next. He gave me perspective, helped me see things for more that what they were. He gave me courage and hope. Very simply, he made me a better person. I wanted that every day. Forget every day, I wanted it forever.
Nothing about JW and Alice's situation was easy or clean. But they had each other. They had faith, and they had love. Everything else would work out.
I couldn't help but smile when I heard Alice greet Jasper with a shout of "Positive!"
They were going to be parents. They weren't scared. They were over the moon happy.
The way it should be.
Tuesday 7:30 PM Edward
He picked up his drink, paused, and put it back down again. He exhaled. He opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it again.
"Dad?"
He nodded.
"It will sound horribly sexist to say it, but when you were born I was elated. Two sons. In my family, with the importance of name and duty to the company, at that time, it was an exceptional feeling. Do you remember your grandfather at all?"
I shook my head. I was too young when he died.
"He was a highly intolerant man. His beliefs were rigid and unchanging. Unless you did exactly as he demanded, he had no use for you. The company was run with an iron fist. That isn't to say it wasn't successful, of course, but people feared him. No one liked him, not his wife, not his mistress, not even his son. The fact that there was only one of me was a source of great disappointment for him, and he reminded my mother what a failure she was daily. He reminded me what kind of responsibility that meant constantly. I was not the most outgoing boy. I was quiet and studious. My father would have preferred me rambunctious. He had trouble seeing the potential in me as a real man. I had to take lessons on how to talk to people and how to influence them because I would have preferred to live my life out of the public spotlight. And business had not been my first choice. I'd always wanted to help people."
He paused to take a drink. I think my hands would have betrayed me had I tried to take a drink. I knew that my grandfather was a tyrant. His escapades were legendary at CI, but I'd never heard my dad talk about him.
"I vowed to be completely unlike him. I cared about people, and that would show in everything I did. I would extend compassion. I would marry a woman and love her like there was no tomorrow, and if I were blessed with children I would raise them with unconditional love rather than expectations. Did you ever read Larkin's 'This Be the Verse?'
I looked up at the ceiling. Fighting back a laugh. "They fuck you up your mum and dad," I responded. The opening lines had been something of a mantra for me in my late teens. I'm sure any poem with "fuck" in the first line would have been interesting, but the meaning hit home.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
My dad nodded slowly. "Shortly after I phoned my father to tell him we were expecting Emmett, he sent me the poem in the mail with a note that said, 'Good Luck,'"
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
I met his eyes, and I'm sure I frowned. I was incredulous at the thought of his father sending that poem. It was hardly a congratulatory note. At first glance, it might have seemed like an apology or an acknowledgment, but I knew how it ended.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
We were two grown men, sitting in the middle of the Harvard Club. If anyone got close enough, they would see both of our eyes were wet, but we were holding back tears.
"I'm not exactly sure why I failed with you." He was looking me directly in the eye then. "You were everything I wasn't. It all came so much more naturally to you than it did for me. My father would have loved you. You were exactly the kind of son he wanted. So, perhaps, I was jealous of you. It's unforgiveable, I know. But somehow when I saw you, I saw everything I couldn't be to him. I'm certain that was a part of it. And then it seemed to me that you also weren't living up to your potential. You had every talent, every skill I didn't, but you were more concerned with having a good time than being a good man. "
It stung, and I started to speak, but he picked up quickly.
"I had great struggles with the way you treated people, particularly women, but ultimately even your family. It seemed you lacked empathy, and despite my father's teachings, I've come to believe that it's an essential leadership quality. At times it was as if you were doing things to spite me. And I thought that raising you as we had, a tightly knit family, with love and laughter, that with all that potential, you would simply make the right choices."
"But I was young and immature. Everyone makes mistakes don't they, Dad?" I choked out.
"Of course, Edward. Some of ours are just greater than others." I wasn't sure for a moment whether he was talking about me or him. Either way, I knew the greater mistake was to have all of this information and continue to resent him.
"I'm sorry I disappointed you, Dad. I'm sorry I embarrassed you. But I am not sorry I went to Dartmouth, or even to LA for that matter. I needed to be my own man. And I think I have turned out well."
"I don't agree with all of your choices, even today. And I still believe you are capable of more than you've ever attempted, but I can no longer deny that you are a good man." He paused again when his voice broke slightly. "I honestly thought I had communicated love and pride despite my disappointment, but perhaps that is the flaw of so many parents. Love and approval are inextricably linked. For that, I am immensely sorry."
It was a compromise, I suppose. We disagreed on some finer points, but on the most important, we made significant progress.
Dinner was over. Our hearts were open. Our voices were tired. There was more to say; there were more steps to be taken, but tonight we'd built the bridge that would allow us to continue the journey.
"Thank you, Dad," I said when we stood outside the club, watching his car pull up. The driver opened his car door. He delayed entry.
He stepped in for an awkward hug, and said quietly, "I love you, son. And for what it's worth, I've never agreed with Larkin."
I had intended to call Demetri, but I decided to walk home.
8:30 PM Bella
I had planned to go back to my apartment after leaving Alice's. I didn't know how late Edward would be with his dad, and I had a manuscript that I needed to get through.
But I didn't want to go to my apartment.
It held all my worldly belongings, but it wasn't home. Not anymore.
Home was with Edward. Not his apartment, not Washington, not Southampton. Just with him.
So instead of heading for the Village, I hailed a cab and gave the driver the address of Edward's building.
I leaned my head against the cold glass of the window, watching the lights of cars and shops fly by. I shut out the noise of the cab driver babbling away on his cell phone, choosing to focus on Alice's words from earlier tonight.
She had accused me of being afraid to live. I'd taken more risks; put myself out there more in the last three months than I had in my entire life. It was all because of Edward. Yet I still held back. I let my fears dictate my actions. It's why at the last minute I had pulled back from the conversation about living together. I had framed it as Edward's issue, but in all honesty, it was mine.
I was at a crossroads. I could go in one direction, and continue with how I've always lived, ruled by the scared kid who watched her parents' marriage fall apart. Or, I could take the other fork, and trust in everything that I had learned over the past few weeks.
I could hear Alice in my head, taunting me to just rip the band aid off. To stop being afraid.
The cab pulled up in front of Edward's building. I paid the driver and slipped out of the cab. The night doorman greeted me, holding the door open for me.
"I haven't seen him come in yet, Miss Swan."
I thanked him for the information, and made my way up to Edward's floor. I took my trench coat off and folded it up into a small square. Using it as a pillow, I leaned against the wall, and pulled a manuscript out of my bag. At least it was quiet.
I lost myself in the pages, making notes in the margins, correcting spelling and adding punctuation. I wasn't sure how long I sat there.
The ding of a bell pulled me out of my reading. I looked up to see Edward walk out of the elevator, one hand stuffed in his trench coat pocket, the other hand running thru his hair. His eyes were downcast, as if lost in thought.
He pulled up short when he saw me sitting on the floor. A look of confusion crossed his face. He had dark circles under his eyes, and appeared to be exhausted.
"I thought you were going home?"
"I am, or at least, I want to be, but I don't have a key." I pulled in a deep breath. "I do have a stack of ones though; do you think that maybe I could get a copy made?"
Tuesday 9:15 Edward
Despite the lump in my throat, I managed to smile at her, as I stuck my hand out to help her up. We went silently into the apartment. I hung her coat up in the closet, and she waited for me. I pulled her into my arms.
"I think that can be arranged."
She sighed in relief. "How was your night?"
I shook my head lightly. My emotions were far too raw at this point, and the last thing I wanted was to break down in front of Bella. "I need a minute. Can you distract me?"
She contemplated something, but then shrugged. "Well, I imagine you'll be getting a call from JW soon, but there is going to be a new little Whitlock somewhere around Christmas."
"What!?" I shook my head in disbelief. That was certainly not something I expected to hear.
"Alice just found out tonight."
"How are they taking it?"
"They're really excited, believe it or not. It was overwhelming, but they love each other, and they feel good about it."
"Wow," I said. We walked into the living room and plopped down on the couch. I didn't know why I felt like I did. I didn't know how I should feel. Nervous for them? Happy for them? What did it mean for Bella and me?
"I'm sorry," Bella sighed.
"Why?" I couldn't fathom where an apology had come from.
"I guess me showing up and asking for a key and then telling you that news. It's a lot to think about. I wasn't trying to put any pressure on."
I wasn't sure what she meant, but then I put it together. "No, that's not it. I mean. I know what I want with you. I guess I'm sort of . . . I don't know . . . jealous?"
Her face contorted to confusion. "I mean, I want to do the whole thing right, of course, but kind of like the bet. It's easier when you just fall into things than if you over think them. That's when you let fear and what ifs take over. I don't want to do that anymore."
"Funny, I was thinking the same thing."
I reached out to find my favorite spot on her cheek. And then I told her about dinner with my dad. She listened intently.
"It sounds like a lot of progress."
"I think it was."
"So now what?"
"Well, I guess we need to clear some space in the office and find you a closet."
"I don't have much."
It was an incredible understatement. I didn't care about the space of a closet when she had filled my entire life. Not one thing had been whole and right until I met her. Now, I saw hope everywhere I looked. If I hadn't lived the ride I'd been on, I wouldn't have believed it were possible to experience these kinds of highs and lows and eventually find comfortable stretch.
"I'm not worried about it. You'll fit right in."
Okay first of all, we need to let you all know that there is a fun little writing contest happening on the Twilighted (dot) com thread. Readers are going to be paired off to write a crackfic epilogue of BAT. If you want to join the fun, hurry on in. Matches will be made tomorrow.
Wow, there was a ton going on here. Carlisle and Edward (We are dying to hear your reaction). And Alice is pregnant! Oh, and don't forget. She's moving in. It's official!
If that wasn't enough to get you talking . . . have you ever had moral support to look for the two pink lines?