A/N: Good news! One of my flamers is delusional! She (or he? Hmm...) seems to think I killed Sasori off to pair Deidara with Tobi. XD And she also hates completely non-cannon couples, and has written a KakuHi fic. Oooh, I am just cracking up right now! Sorry, I know I sound bitter, but this is one mystery solved!

Anyway, it seems Pairing-Nazi just hates couples she (or he? still confused!) doesn't like, and calls them non-cannon and has to flame. I shall do more research into this, but I fear I've found myself blocked, though. I know, I'm a loser. XD Anyway, that just leaves one mystery left...

Oh, and no one really believes that I killes Sasori to pair Deidara with Tobi, right? If you knew this, raise your hand! XD

Ok, so about this chapter: I'm just tying up some loose ends, and I don't five a flying monkey's left testicle if Tobi is supposed to be Madara. That's another stupid plot device, like how Shikamaru defeated Hidan. It's all BS! XD Sorry! I'm a bit on a ranting streak! Enjoy!

"Madara?" Sasuke asked politely.

"Hm."

"I want to see Itachi."

"Why?"

"He's my brother."

"Hm."

"I know you know where he is."

"Are you sure you want to see him?"

"Yes."

"All right. Zetsu!"

"Fuck you."

"Aw, come on, just one little favor?"

"Get Pein to do it." Madara sighed. He had just recently lost his sight, and had just recently bought his own mansion to share with Zetsu. The schizophrenic man had spent the first day discussing politics with the help.

"Zetsu, please?"

"There, now you've found your manners." Zetsu appeared in the doorway to the living room. "What do you want?"

"Itachi's address."

"Sorry, that's confidential."

"Are you just being difficult for the sake of being difficult?" Zetsu pursed his lips.

"Like I'm that shallow."

"Look, Sasuke hasn't seen his brother in over a year. He'd like to."

"Then he can do it on his own. He's a big boy." Sasuke, getting a bit annoyed, stood up and walked over to Zetsu.

"Tell me where Itachi is, or else," he growled. Zetsu yawned.

"Or else what?" he asked. "Please, if there's anything you can do, I'd just push the envelope out of curiosity." Sasuke paused. "Right over his head, that one."

"Why won't you tell me where he is?"

"I'm not entirely convinced he wants to see you as much as you want to see him."

"He doesn't know where I am."

"Delusional child."

"Come on, Zetsu, we're family," Sasuke pleaded. Zetsu twitched visibly. Madara had found that argument had worked quite well, and Sasuke had picked up on it. But it wasn't going to be that easy this time.

"Madara, why don't you ask Itachi if he'd like to see Sasuke? And why pester me about this?"

"Because I can't look through my files to find his address."

"Oh grow up. Get Pein to do it."

"Zetsu," Madara whined. "Can't you just do it?"

"I have a high respect for Itachi. How about this? Itachi works at Akatsuki." Zetsu leaned against the doorway.

"Thank you," Sasuke said curtly. Zetsu turned and left. Sasuke sighed, turning back to Madara. "You really have strange taste."

"Hey, mind your own business. Wasn't it just last week you wanted to break something so you could go to the hospital and see that nurse?"

"Oh shut up."

"Who are you?" Sasuke asked as he walked into the lobby.

"I'm Tobi. What can I do for you?"

"Is there a family name with that?" Sasuke asked.

"Um, no. Why?"

"You look like someone I used to know. Anyway, I'm here to see Itachi."

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No, but I'm his brother."

"You two do look a lot alike."

"Can I see him?"

"He's busy at the moment."

"This is much more important."

"I doubt it, un," Deidara said smoothly, walking into the lobby. "Long time no see, Sasuke, un."

"Oh. Hi Deidara."

"Designer sunglasses? You have got to be kidding me, yeah!" Deidara snickered.

"Can I please see Sasuke?"

"No, un. He's busy."

"With what?"

"With his job, dumbass, un." Deidara put some papers down on Tobi's desk. "Kisame wants those copied, un."

"What's he doing?"

"He's busy, un." Tobi didn't ask.

"Come on, please let me see my brother!"

"He's busy, un! You can call and make an appointment if you really want to see him, yeah!"

"There's no point in starting a fight, Deidara," Itachi sighed, showing himself. Deidara shrugged.

"Hello, Itachi," Sasuke said, looking his brother over.

"Hello, Sasuke."

"Where the hell have you been?"

"Here, mostly."

"Why haven't you called?" Itachi sighed.

"Let's continue this in my office."

"Konan is going to be mad, un," Deidara said.

"I'm not the one out here with his boyfriend annoying people with designer sunglasses." Deidara pursed his lips.

"Well, at least we're not making out and dry humping, un."

"Shall we?" Itachi asked Sasuke, ignoring Deidara's comeback. He lead him down the hall and to his office, where Kisame was leaning against his desk. "Sasuke, this is Kisame. Kisame, this is my little brother," Itachi introduced.

"Hey," Kisame greeted.

"Who the hell are you?" Sasuke demanded. Kisame blinked.

"Well you're very nice. Is that black nail polish?" Sasuke curled his fists to cover his nails. "I didn't know straight people listened to Deidara."

"I never said he was straight," Itachi said.

'Hey!"

"You did sleep with Deidara."

"That was a one time thing! He looked like a girl I know."

"What, Hidan's old girlfriend?"

"I'll bet she's tired of getting attention because she's a straight Deidara."

"Um, can we talk, Itachi?"

"Of course."

"I mean, in private."

"No." Itachi crossed his arms over his chest. Sasuke was glaring at Kisame.

"How about without the blue freak?"

"Oh please," Kisame yawned. "Am I allowed to throw him out?"

"Not quite yet," Itachi said. Suddenly the door burst open.

"Kisame I- Oh, sorry, um…" Hidan paused, looking around. "Have you dabbled in cloning?"

"This is my little brother."

"Oh. Ok. Um… well then, I'll just be leaving. Oh, and Kisame? Here." Hidan walked in and handed a few papers to the blue man. "Deidara and Tobi were a little busy, so they asked me to give this to you." Kisame rolled his eyes, accepting the papers.

"Thanks," he said.

"Are we going to need security?"

"Ah, no."

"It's no trouble, really. I can go get Deidara-"

"No. Really. It's fine." Hidan shrugged.

"If you insist, but…" he reached slowly into his pocket, and then quick as lightning pulled out a camera and snapped Sasuke's picture. "Do you think Konan will take that one for our cover?"

"No. Go get Deidara, since he's so busy," Kisame said.

"We'll get sued."

"So? How about you get a picture of Zetsu?" he suggested.

"Hm. That idea has merit. Have fun." Hidan turned and left, tiptoeing down the hall to Zetsu's office. He burst in, snapping a picture of the schizophrenic. Zetsu sighed, turning around slowly.

"What do you want, Hidan?" he asked in a monotone. Hidan snapped another picture.

"I just want a few pictures," he said. As he began to take another one, Zetsu held up a hand to block it. Hidan paused, lowering the camera, staring at the white hand. "Could you use your other hand? The light glints off your ring too much to get a clear shot." Zetsu's eyes widened and he lowered his hand, looking away. Hidan grinned. "So who is it, hmm?"

"None of your damn business," Zetsu growled. Hidan laughed.

"You're so secretive, Zetsu. I'm not going to make fun of you, that's just what Deidara might do. I'm just curious." Zetsu still eyed him suspiciously. Hidan leaned against the wall, taking another picture. Zetsu glared.

"Why do you care?"

"Because we're coworkers and friends, and even if you don't talk to me I'd like to talk to you. So come on, I can keep a secret."

"Uchiha Madara."

"What?!" Hidan cried. Zetsu glared venomously.

"Would you mind keeping your voice down?" he hissed.

"Sorry. Oh. Wow. Sorry for all those 'not getting laid' jokes. Yeah. Wow. Really sorry about that." Hidan licked his lips. "So you two… are… married?" Zetsu nodded. "So you have a new last name?" Zetsu nodded, slower. "Wow. Like… wow. Everybody's getting married, aren't they?"

"I suppose." Zetsu wouldn't make eye contact.

"Aw, don't get shy on me. I didn't know you two were together, or that you were seeing someone."

"He… likes to keep things secret…"

"What about you?"

"I don't mind." Hidan hummed, thinking.

"So can I take a closer look?" he asked. Zetsu, tentatively, held out his hand. Hidan snatched it, gaping at the ring.

"Oh. My. God. A fucking diamond? Pure gold? You've got to be fucking kidding me! This is gorgeous!" Hidan tilted Zetsu's thin-fingered hand, the diamond catching the light. "Hey, what's written on it?" he asked, looking closely at the inscription.

"Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. A Virgil quote."

"I never knew he was such a romantic!" Hidan cried.

"Do you mind?" Zetsu growled, snatching his hand back.

"Sorry. This is just a bit sudden. Am I allowed to tell people?" Zetsu pursed his lips.

"Anyone in Akatsuki."

"Cool, I wasn't thinking of anyone else." Hidan quickly got a picture of Zetsu's ring. Zetsu sighed, but allowed a small smile to creep to his lips. "Are you actually smiling?" Hidan cried. Zetsu instantly glared at him. "Sorry." Hidan patted his shoulder. "Sorry I ever doubted your ability to get laid." Zetsu wrinkled his nose, turning his back to Hidan. But he was happy, and Hidan could tell.

"So Zetsu married Madara." Kakuzu choked on his tea.

"What?" he gasped after dislodging the liquid from his esophagus.

"I know, I had the same reaction. See, I went to go take a picture of him, and I noticed his ring, and he explained everything. Apparently they had to get married in secret, but he has this pure gold ring with a diamond, and a really romantic inscription."

"Oh? What did it say?"

"Um… I forget." Kakuzu snorted.

"It's nice someone understands him."

"Yeah. Hopefully Madara's turned himself around since Deidara knew him."

"Yeah." They sat in silence for a moment. "This'll displace Tobi."

"He'll just sleep at the office if he has to."

"Yeah." It was times like these, when neither could think of something to say, that they had learned to just bask in each other's company.

Madara called Deidara's home phone, hoping to get Tobi. Luckily, said copy boy answered. "Hello?"

"Hi, is this Tobi?"

"Uh-huh."

"Is Deidara around?"

"Um… uh…"

"Whoever it is can fuck off, yeah!" Madara heard in the background.

"Um, he's unavailable right now…"

"I see. Well then, you're the one I wanted to talk to, actually. Are you sure you can't remember anything about your past?"

"Um…"

"Look, I'm not trying to harass you, I just have a hunch."

"No. I can't remember anything, except… orange…"

"Orange?"

"Yeah. Or maybe it was when I was first found. I don't know."

"Well then. It may just be my paranoia, but I'd like you do go through a few tests for me."

"Huh?"

"I have a missing cousin, who went missing when he was twelve. We've never found him, or any evidence of his death. Would you mind taking a simple DNA test?"

"Uh…"

"Who the hell is it, un?"

"Madara."

"Oooh, give it here, yeah!" After a small struggle, Deidara came on the line. "Madara, quit bothering Tobi, un! Go fuck your husband or something, un!"

"He's asleep."

"Hmm. So you did, didn't you, yeah?"

"Keep your nose out of my business."

"And you keep yours out of Tobi's, un!"

"What is your problem? I was talking to him, not you." Deidara was looking at Tobi now, who was standing awkwardly before him.

"Just make it quick, all right, un." Tobi was put on the line and Madara heard a door close and knew they were alone.

"Sorry, Sempai is just watching out for me."

"Oh. Well, I've been going through some old pictures of my cousin and Sasuke says they look a lot like you."

"Wouldn't the police have known if a really rich heir went missing and turned up with amnesia?"

"I would assume so."

"Then… why are you the first to figure this all out?"

"I don't know. But can we still go through with this?"

"If it means that much to you…"

"Thank you! Is this Saturday good?"

"Sure."

That Saturday saw Tobi sitting awkwardly between Madara and Sasuke. He had purposely left Deidara at home, and Zetsu had declined. He had many strange experiences in hospitals, and they made him feel weird. So the two remaining Uchiha heirs sat with a possible third. "So you work with Itachi?" Sasuke asked.

"Um… yeah…"

"And Deidara does?"

"Yeah."

"To think when I met him, I was so close to finding Itachi-"

"Please, let's not bring that up," Madara said hastily. "I hear you like sweets, Tobi."

"Yeah."

"Remember that time Obito stole your dango?" Madara asked Sasuke.

"That wasn't me, that was Itachi."

"Oh. Was it really?"

"Yeah, Itachi likes dango more than me."

"Oh yeah." A doctor came out.

"Are you Madara Uchiha?" she asked. Madara stood up. "The results are back. The DNA matches perfectly." Madara sat back down, eyes wide in shock. Sasuke turned to Tobi.

"Welcome back, Obito."