The Opportunity to Be Fully Human
Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. belong to Paramount.
Chapter 2
Kathryn lay stiffly on the biobed in Sickbay, staring up at the plain gray ceiling. Its featureless façade did not calm her as it was undoubtedly intended to do; to the contrary, its glaring uniformity only served to further unnerve her as it merely emphasized the day-to-day motions of her life as it had been for the past six years in the Delta Quadrant. Without question, being the captain of a ship like Voyager had been neither uneventful nor tedious, and there had been many days when she had wished that the oceans of her life would roll just a little more gently. But when it came to her, to who and what she really was inside, all she could see anymore was flatness, a stark, metallic surface somehow resembling in her mind an impenetrable steel bulkhead behind which her emotions, needs, wants, desires, essence had been safely sequestered.
She had taken steps from the beginning to protect herself and to protect them from her. But all she had succeeded in accomplishing was hiding herself behind that door and isolating those people she loved even more than they already were out here in the Delta Quadrant. And, of course, Chakotay—loyal, steadfast, and infinitely more than she deserved—had been slammed in the heart by that escape hatch more times than she cared to remember.
Who would have thought that the intrepid Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager was, when you got down to the bottom line, just a coward in captain's pips?
At least when it came to the things that really mattered.
Kathryn felt the sudden, agonizing ache in her throat, the sheer burn behind her eyes and knew she had to get out of Sickbay before she could no longer hold it in.
"Computer, activate Emergency Medical Hologram," she rasped, swallowing thickly to avert the tears that she only hoped she could contain until the door to her quarters was safely locked. The Doctor immediately appeared in front of her, looking slightly disoriented in the peacefulness of the room until he realized who had summoned him. He quickly strode across the room and to her bedside, where she had painstakingly maneuvered herself into an upright position. He laid a quick hand on her shoulder, already passing a tricorder over her body as she had known he would.
"Captain? Are you all right? Are you in pain?" His voice held deep concern, and this human side of him—which she knew after all these years was genuine and not just another patient-doctor subroutine—almost undid her before she could even say a word. She coughed to smother an involuntary sob.
"No, no, Doctor. I'm fine. I just-" She searched her mind for an acceptable excuse, something plausible that she should have fabricated prior to his activation. She cursed her own fatigue and emotions for the glaring oversight. "I'm a little sore from all those Borg devices and, well, you know these biobeds aren't made for comfort." She tried on a slight smile of commiseration, hoping the lightness of her tone would detract from the anxiety beneath it.
"Yes, Captain, you will definitely be sore for several days. Your body needs time to heal. Your physiology just underwent two major transformations in only a few days. It's not surprising to find it protesting." The Doctor reached for a hypospray from a nearby tray and busied himself adjusting the settings.
"Here," he said, raising the hypospray to her neck. "This should ease the pain and also help you sleep through the night." Kathryn caught his arm before the device could make contact with her skin. She took a deep breath and smiled again, reassuringly this time.
"I appreciate your concern, Doctor," she replied. Had there been enough warmth in her voice to fool him? "But I really think that I would be more comfortable in my own quarters, in my own bed. After all, it has been several days since I have been able to completely rest and relax. How about if I wear some type of monitor so you can check up on me whenever you would like, and I'll be back first thing in the morning." She hopped—okay, slid rather stiffly—off the biobed and stood in front of him.
The Doctor stared at her. His eyes reflected more than just disbelief, and she immediately realized her error. In attempting to pacify him into letting her go, she had been way too conciliatory in her comments, an extremely and utterly un-Captain Janeway-like thing to do. She mentally cursed herself. She should have just given him a direct order and gone on with it. The problem was that she didn't know if she could summon her usual irritation and impatience at the moment. The Doctor moved closer and again touched her shoulder.
"Captain," he said firmly, eyeing her with more than just a tinge of distrust, "I appreciate your willingness to accommodate me; however, as your doctor, I would be remiss in my duties and almost certainly endangering your health if I allowed you to return to your quarters at this time. Perhaps we can discuss the matter in a couple of days." With that, he whirled and stalked towards his office.
"Doctor!" Kathryn found that her sudden desperation gave her an edge, and she whipped out her full command voice. "Doctor, I am returning to my quarters. Immediately. You yourself told me my body needed rest, and I'm not getting any here." The Doctor turned slowly toward her, a sardonic grin stamped across his face.
"Now there's the captain we all know and love," he remarked sarcastically. "I was beginning to wonder if I hadn't removed all of the Borg neural interfaces, and they were interfering with your personality. However, there clearly is something wrong with your personality if you truly believe I am going to release you from Sickbay of your own recognizance. Now unless you'd like me to relieve you officially of duty, I suggest you lay back down on that bed and get some rest!" The Doctor's face was now thunderous, and his eyes narrowed even further when she shot him her death glare and stepped towards the doors of Sickbay. The Doctor tapped his commbadge.
"Doctor to Commander Chakotay," he snapped. Kathryn froze, feeling her blood drain to her fingertips. Of all people, why…
But of course, she knew the answer to that question. Who else would the Doctor call? He knew how close she and Chakotay were, knew that her First Officer was usually the only one whose advice she occasionally hearkened to, mainly because he was almost as stubborn as she was.
And perhaps, she thought, feeling suddenly nauseated, he was more stubborn. He was still angry. She could hear the clipped tones he used with the Doctor, the way he tersely dismissed him. The way he dismissed her. It was obvious he wanted nothing to do with her.
Heaven help her.
She gasped as the full import of the conversation washed over her, chilling her to the core. She felt a sound, somewhere between a gasp and a strangled sob, spurt from her throat, and she immediately pressed a hand to her mouth as the Doctor's gaze turned toward her face, transforming at once from annoyance to alarm. He walked over to her, but she backed away, clinging desperately to every trick of command she'd been taught since her days at Starfleet Academy and even a few Vulcan disciplines that Tuvok had taught her over the years. She took several shaky breaths, but it was like trying to squeeze air from a deflated balloon. As a final measure, she even dug her fingernails into the skin of her palms until she was sure she was going to bleed, but it was useless. She started to cry anyway, and even the astonished look on the Doctor's face wasn't enough to make her stop.
"Captain." His voice was softer, kinder, than she had ever heard it.
"Please." It was the only word she could think of to say. "Please, Doctor. Let me go. I need to be alone." They faced each other for several moments, the only sound between them the sobs that kept pouring unheeded from her throat. Then the Doctor nodded and gestured towards the Sickbay doors. She took off at a half-run and then thought of Chakotay's similar exit and slowed her steps.
"Call me if you need anything, Captain."
The Doctor's words floated from behind her, but she found that she was unable to even to form the words to tell him thank you.
TBC...