The Opportunity to Be Fully Human

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. belong to Paramount.

Chapter 4

Kathryn leaned back into the cushions of the couch with her feet propped up on the coffee table. A PADD was clutched in one hand and the table held the remnants of a barely touched dinner, but her head was back, her eyes were closed, and she had no intention of moving anytime soon. She had just finished her first shift since returning to the ship, and she was utterly exhausted. Her back ached, her head pounded, and just for good measure, her throat was pretty sore, too. Not for the first time that day, she wished she had followed the Doctor's advice and remained in Sickbay for a few more days.

No, she wished she had remained unconscious for a few more days. Then the confrontation with Chakotay that night would never have occurred and maybe he would have had time to come to terms with his feelings before—

The door to Kathryn's quarters chimed, and she immediately stiffened. Maybe if she ignored the first chime, the visitor would give up, and she could reclaim the relative peace and solitude of her quarters. The door chimed again. No such luck. Kathryn stood up, feeling flushed with anger. There was only one person bold enough to ring her chime twice. Chakotay. He had come to her quarters a million times over the past six years, sometimes bringing dinner, sometimes bringing flowers, sometimes bringing just him, which was always more than enough for her.

After today, he must be empty-handed.

She stood up and walked towards the door, absently fingering the phaser tucked in her belt. She supposed she could always shoot him. After all, he was a big man, a phaser set to stun wouldn't cause any permanent damage. Had she ever considered shooting a man she loved before? Justin? Mark? No, with the two of them her emotions had never been this intense, this confused. Neither of them had ever had the power to hurt her like Chakotay did. Like he had.

So, she contemplated, if she did decide to shoot him, how exactly would she enter it into her log?

Captain's Log, Supplemental. This evening I decided to shoot my first officer because…well, because he pissed me off.

And he tore my heart to pieces in the process.

That was one way to be fully human.

The door chimed a third time, and Kathryn jumped, startled. She had been so deep in her half-serious reverie that she had completely forgotten there was someone at the door. If it was Chakotay, she was upping the phaser setting just for his tenacity.

"Come in," she growled, and the door to her quarters slid open to reveal…

…Tom Paris.

Kathryn stepped backwards in sheer surprise.

"Tom," she exclaimed. Tom gave her an uncomfortable grin.

"Captain," he mumbled. "Listen, I'm sorry for bothering you off hours. I hope I didn't wake you." He nervously tapped his fingers at his sides.

"No, it's fine. Come in, Lieutenant." Kathryn gestured towards the couch, and Tom tentatively sat down at one end, his back ramrod straight. She sat at the other end, crossing her legs with careful casualness and turning to face him. He was fidgeting and looking everywhere but at her.

"Tom, are you all right?" she finally asked as the silence continued to pervade the room. She had never seen the cocky pilot so unsure of himself.

"Ma'am?" he said. "I mean, yes, Captain, I'm fine. I just—I just wanted to check on you." Kathryn grinned.

"You mean the Doctor sent you to make sure I hadn't worked myself to death today," she said wryly. "Go ahead. Scan me. I have nothing to hide. Well, except for about ten cups of coffee too much." A genuine smile flitted across Tom's lips this time, and at once he seemed to relax, his shoulders slumping back into the couch cushions and his hands finally quieting in his lap.

"Actually, Captain, the Doctor didn't send me. I'm not here to scan you," he admitted. "I came to see if you were okay." His voice had gotten very quiet and serious, and Kathryn found herself just staring at him, not understanding.

"I was worried about you," Tom murmured. "After what happened today on the bridge."

Kathryn felt her body go numb.

"Look, I know…I know we're not really friends," Tom said, ducking his head almost shyly. "At least, I'm not the person you would usually confide in. But that's Chakotay and well…" He shrugged almost apologetically.

"Look, Tom," she said evenly, drawing in a deep breath, "I appreciate you coming here to check on me. I appreciate your concern." She trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

"But?" Tom's bravado was back, a self-deprecating look on his face. Kathryn opened her mouth to brush him off and then realized she couldn't. She'd longed for Chakotay's closeness all day, ached for him to just look at her for one moment without anger in his eyes. And here was Tom offering her friendship and compassion. Was she strong enough to do this? Was she strong enough to let him see her as human?

"Captain?" His voice was concerned now, and she realized belatedly that while she had been agonizing over her options, her emotions had made the decision without her. She felt her eyes stinging with unshed tears, and her lips were trembling as she tried to reply.

"I…"she began but stopped as her throat constricted. She looked away from him for a moment, rubbing her hand across her mouth, until she had regained some semblance of control. "There's no 'but,' Tom. I appreciate you having the courage to come here. So let me be as honest as I can handle right now. You came to see if I was okay. Well, I'm not. I think that you can see that. And if his behavior today was any indication, neither is Chakotay. He…we…" She pressed her hand to her mouth again, trying to quell an unguarded sob that was pressing its way upward.

Tom reached out and placed his hand over hers on the couch. When she looked at him, surprised and touched by the poignant gesture, she saw the duality in his eyes, the concern that welled in their depths and also the layer of uncertainty that somehow begged her not to tell him he had gone a step too far.

"Do you want me to talk to him, Captain?" A hint of protectiveness had entered the pilot's voice, and Kathryn almost laughed through her tears at the endearing qualities of this man.

"Tom, I can't and won't ask you to do that. This is a very private matter between the Commander and myself," she said softly. She felt her heart wrench. "Just…just take care of him for me. I think he's feeling really alone right now." Tom straightened and simply stared at her.

"You amaze me, Captain Kathryn Janeway," he murmured. Then he stood, touched her shoulder lightly, and walked towards the door.

"Tom, thank you again," Kathryn called out. Tom paused and turned to face her.

"You're welcome, Captain," he replied. "And thank you. For trusting me." His words said one thing but his voice said another, and she realized just how long it had been since she had trusted any of them enough to let them see who she really was.