Title: Forever

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the crazy plots. Not even the songs.

Pairing: Kuroro and Kurapika.

Warning: Harsh language and adult themes.

Rating: Varies (T or M)

A/N: Hi guys. This is a collection of KuroxKura songfics. Once you read this, you'll be absolutely, completely certain that I am batshit insane!

CHAPTER FIVE

MY IMMORTAL

Author's senseless rant: I know you might be getting tired of these, but this one is also a companion to My Soul To Find, set 4 years after the previous chapters. Don't worry, all these can be read as stand alones. Need I say that this is angsty. I seem to be in a tragedy-loving mood these days. And it is longer than usual (for me)!3 Enjoy!

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you had to leave

I wish that you would just leave

Your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

They say time heals all wounds. They're wrong. If anything, the hollow feeling inside me has increased in the past four years. It was ironic, really. I spent nearly 3 decades of my life with no emotional ties whatsoever to anyone. Then I went all fell for someone who was out for my blood. No, ironic didn't quite cut it.

True, I cared for my Spiders. But I didn't love them, though they were, in a way, my family. Love was a word that hadn't existed in my vocabulary for quite a long time. Until I met a certain blonde Kuruta, that is. He took down all my barriers. Did I mention that he despised me? Well, perhaps Kurapika had loved me towards the end, but it didn't matter. Not anymore.

He was dead. And I felt dead, though my body was very much alive. Sometimes, it was as if he was here by my side. Sometimes his presence was almost tangible in the air. It was probably all in my head, but I liked to think otherwise. It kept me sane.

For three years, we were together. True, it was forced on him at the beginning but somewhere along the way, it had changed. Our relationship had evolved to a point that I would have let him go if he had asked. He never did. Our connection, for lack of a better word, was strong though it was wrenched from us despite our reluctance.

And his sudden absence was suffocating. Even now, four years after his death, I still woke up somedays, searching for a shock of blond hair near me. Then I'd remember and the hollow feeling would set in.

These wounds don't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

Sometimes, when I was alone, the memories would overwhelm me. But I heartily welcomed them, because, in the memories, he was there. Alive. Whole.

It may sound strange, but what I missed most was our endless bickering. Kurapika was the only person I knew who would pick a fight, verbal or otherwise, with me. And he was also the only one who could hold his own against me. I loved it all. And now, I missed it all.

Most of those arguments concerned morality, which he had always claimed I lacked. In my mind's eye, I could see the way he'd roll his eyes when I'd brush off his accusations, the way he narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms to try and stare me down.

Then there were the other, more tender movements. Light, hesitant kisses, a brush of skin here and there... All these brought a bittersweet feeling to my chest, adding to the ever-present ache.

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams

Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me

Every single, miniscule detail of his face was burned into my memory. It was his face that I saw, every night as I closed my eyes. A soft, almost feminine face, smooth, porcelain skin, brilliant cerulean eyes... He truly did resemble an angel. And the way those eyes blazed scarlet. It was breathtaking.

It was his eyes that first enticed me. It seemed a waste to destroy such beauty. Then, I began noticing more than just his scarlet eyes. I loved him even as he hated me. When my feelings were reciprocated, I was overjoyed. But I was blind to the toll it was taking on him. If only I knew the torment his feelings inflicted upon him...

The thing was, once you got past the entire vengeance business, we were quite compatible. Same interests, same intellect, even the same nen-group. In a way, we complimented each other. Light and darkness.

When you cry, I'd wipe away all your tears

When you scream, I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all these years

But you still have all of me

It hurts. It's not a physical pain, of course. In fact, it is a thousand times worse than any injury could be. It's as if something inside of me died with him, all those years ago. I kept reliving our final battle. The way he threw himself onto my blade. The way he smiled at me, both pained and peaceful. The way he said he loved me. And the way he bid goodbye.

Kurapika was the only person I loved. The only one I truly cared for. I still love him. And I wouldn't trade the little time we had for anything. But despite all this, his blood was on my hands.

A/N: Guys, I am sorry but updates will be slow from now on. School's gonna start soon and I am off to boarding where I cannot use the net or the computer. Yep, my life sucks!