"Roza" Dimitri signed
"Hey, sorry long night. Lets go to bed." I tried to coax him into not asking too many question.
"Aren't you hungry? I made dinner." He says to me with a loving smile on his face. That look only made me feel more guilt, so I looked away.
Pretending to be distracted by taking off my jacket, I looked anywhere but at him. "No, I had a big lunch. I'm really tired let's go to bed." Truth was I had already eaten with Adrian. When I looked back at him he had a frown on his gorgeous face and was looking down.
"Hey come on. You're my big heater and I can't sleep with out you." The first part was supposed to be joking but I said the last part completely serious. And I did mean it. It never felt right sleeping without my big lug. A grin grew and he looked at me with a smile hidden in his eyes.
"Hey, I'm not big you're just small." I returned his comment with a smile. And with that we retreated back up to the bedroom. I stripped down to my bra and panties because I could never sleep in anything else. It felt way too constricting.
We lay next to each other without touching. We never touch anymore. The sex and lust completely vanished from our marriage. We may sleep together in the same bed but that is all we do. Sleep. Nothing else. I love the man to death but we are slowly drifting apart. We tried counseling and couple regurgitation techniques but nothing ever worked. The passion never came back. The frustration from our slowly failing marriage was affecting my work which became a huge problem. And so I found Adrian. We never had sex. In fact I don't think we will ever have sex. Our affair is not about sex. It is about passion, fun and being wild. Something I can't do with Dimitri. I feel the excitement of touching and kissing but the thought of sex makes me freeze up. Because I am still legally married I can never bring myself to have sex with Adrian. He wants to. I know he does. He brings it up almost every time we meet but I can never do it. Some lines I will not cross.
I love Adrian. He is witty and sarcastic and makes me laugh. He knows how to make me smile even when I'm beyond pissed off. He makes me feel alive. Something I no longer feel with my husband.
My husband... I don't feel like I'm betraying him. When I kiss Adrian I still feel innocent. Although I know I am far from innocent. My infidelity is wrong and disgusting but it feels so right. I tried to stop seeing him a few times but this anomalistic urge in me forces me to call him and meet up with him again. I think I might need him.
I am so confused. I love both men so much. Both are halves of me. Dimitri is caring and sweet. He gives me guidance and support. I feel connected to him in other worldly ways. But Adrian... well he is crazy and wild. He makes me feel young and wanted. He brings out my passionate side.
I need to choose one man. But not tonight. No my double life will live on tonight.