"Come on Capsicle, I'm a scientist, this is what I do."
Tony Stark was an arrogant man that dug on Steve's nerves most of the time when they weren't on the battlefield, but when he whined and pouted to get his way, Steve's patience wore thin.
" I've told you , the superserum prevents me from getting drunk. I burn through the alcohol too quickly- my metabolism is extremely high," he said crisply, between mouthfuls of a large turkey sandwich.
"And I've told you to call me Tony," Stark retorted, as he came around the table and made eye contact with Steve.
"Look Cap', if you can't get drunk, you can't get drunk. The least I can do is have some fun trying to get you there. And it'll be a good chance for the two of us to chat – you know, mano a mano. Besides Bruce is out of town, Peppers off somewhere else and I have no one else to play with – I'm bored. "
Steve looked dubiously at Tony, chewing silently as he pondered Tony's suggestion. He couldn't see the harm in being courteous – after all, he couldn't get drunk, and perhaps was a nicer gentleman after a few drinks. Swallowing , he nodded his assent.
"Atta boy Cap !", Tony exclaimed, clapping him on the shoulder. " We'll have a ton of fun, you and me. Come on up to my lab at , ooh, let's say … seven-thirty? Jarvis !" Tony was already striding out of the room, calling Jarvis to place an order for copious amounts of beer and liquor.
Steve continued to eat his sandwich, mulling over the potential ramifications of his future evening plans. He'd sipped some of Bucky's whiskey once, from a flask his friend had hidden, and he'd been fairly woozy afterwards, but this had been before the superserum injection, and that memory was fast fading. Perhaps after decades in the ice , his system processed the serum differently, and he might be able to get drunk after all . Stark certainly had access to funds that could most definitely make it possible.
At seven-thirty, Steve arrived at Stark's lab door, which slid open to let him in. Tony was at one end of the lab arranging what turned out to be an alarming number of bottles.
"Hey, hey, it's the Capsicle!"Tony called out , walking towards him with two large glass tumblers filled with a potently smelling dark brown fluid. "Everything's been chilled , figured after a few decades on ice , you'd prefer if your drinks weren't on them either."
Rolling his eyes at the cheap pun, Steve accepted the glass of whiskey, the fumes emanating from it enough to make his eyes water. Stark clinked their glasses together, and took a swig.
" That's some good stuff. Come and join me Cap', let me show you what else we have for you this evening."
Whiskey, tequila,vodka,beer – Stark had nearly fifty different types of alcohol, and fifty more on standby. Stark's plan was , he explained, Stark himself would stick to whiskey, and they would try various combinations of alcohol on the Captain. Technically mixing lead to alcohol poisoning and hangovers, but, if the Captain was unable to get drunk, that wouldn't be an issue, and if they succeeded in getting him drunk, they'd at least know how much it took to do so.
Two hours later, and fifteen combinations of alcohol inside him, Steve was still sober. Besides giving him a burning sensation as he swallowed it , and also causing him to need to use the bathroom more frequently, the alcohol was having absolutely no effect on his system. Tony on the other hand...
Steve sipped politely on his current drink , a rum and coke, and watched as Stark stumbled around the room with a can of beer in one hand, poking at touch screens with the other.
"Jarvis, run a diagnoshtick on the Capshickle will you," he slurred , as he took another swig from his drink. "I shink he should be at least buzzed by now."
A monitor dutifully approached the Captain, an aperture at one hand emitting a thin beam of red light that scanned the Captain from head to toe. A few seconds later, Jarvis chimed in.
"The Captain sir, is still quite sober. The only aberrations are a higher functioning bladder."
Tony snickered at Jarvis's report.
"I knew that,"he laughed, "I just thought it'd be funny to hear Jarvis say 'higher functioning bladder"."
He continued to laugh at his own joke as he joined Steve on the couch. He sprawled across the seat, cradling his drink between his legs, and peered blearily at Steve.
"You know Cap', maybe the reason you can't get drunk, is because you're too straight-laced."
Steve looked at Tony , his jaw clenching slightly. Stark seemed to be heading down a path of insults, and Steve was not in the mood for his banter.
"I'm serious Cap'," Tony continued, deliberately ignoring the spasm of irritation that crossed Steve's face," good ole soldier boys are like puppets. Incapable of thinking about anything unless someone tells you what to do, and cocking it up even then. Maybe the reason you can't get drunk is cos you're too focused on being pure and dull and boring."
Tony snorted derisively, chugging the last of his beer.
" It's probably how Loki got Barton so easily," Tony mused, "a blank mind just waiting for something to slip in and take control of it – probably how your mind is right now."
Steve didn't remember standing up, but suddenly he was on his feet, his drink forgotten, fists curled at his side.
"Stop it Stark," he said quietly, refusing to give in to the anger that was flaring through him, "Back off now. You're crossing lines."
"How about I back off right after ?" Tony threw back, his tone challenging. "You're cut from the same cloth as him. Jump when you're told, incapable of original thought. Just mindless bodies, waiting to be used…which is pretty much what Loki did. I mean look at you – you flew a plane into ice, and stayed there for years, and Barton just stood there and let a goth-wannabe E.T. prince waltz in and nearly destroy the world. Both of you useless as cattle – Barton should've stayed brain-dead with Loki, for all the use he is."
Steve didn't know what had happened to him. Stepping forward, he grabbed Stark by his collar, lifting him up in to the air and punching him square in the face. The force of the blow hurled Stark across the room, slamming into a desk and shattering the ornaments on it, before Stark crumpled to the floor. He groaned as he shifted in the debris, looking up at Steve as he walked across the room.
"You insult me a lot Stark," Steve said, his voice surprisingly quiet, despite the violence of his actions.
"You insult me a lot, and I put up with it. But you don't speak ill about a man that has been more of a friend to me in all the past months than you have ever been. You do not dismiss the value he brings to this team. And you do not wish that he'd continued to be raped by Loki. You do not."
Stark laughed darkly, spitting out a little blood.
"Funny thing about me Cap. You don't tell me what to do," he snarled, as he pulled his hand up and blasted Steve with one of the gauntlets from the Ironman suit.