Lindsey entered the warehouse through the front doors and marched through the parlour to the formal sitting room. She threw herself into one of the high-backed armchairs and stared at the empty fireplace, which she thought looked cold and empty without its wintertime blaze. She suddenly found herself longing for winter – for the sky to turn gray and all color to leave the world for a while. It would be a better reflection of the way she felt inside than these hot, brightly lit days full of green trees and blossoming flowers. She shook her head and tried to steel herself for the borage of questions she knew was coming.
Xander got to her first. She didn't look at him. She didn't want to see anyone. He knelt in front of her, his elbows on the arms of the chair. His brown eyes were soft and hurt. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked in the quietest voice she'd ever heard him use.
She shook her head, chewing on her thumbnail, still staring into the fireplace.
Xander squeezed his eyes shut, wincing in pain. His shoulders were trembling with the rage and pain he felt. It hurt her to see him so upset. She forced herself to overcome the need to avoid touching him and took his face in her hands. He opened his eyes, surprised at her cool touch.
"It's not your fault," she whispered earnestly. She swallowed hard. She hadn't been prepared to see the tears welling up in his warm, chocolate-colored eyes. She shook her head sadly. "You couldn't have saved me."
"You should have told me," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I could have…" Xander squeezed his eyes shut again, fighting the burning sensation in his eyes. After a moment, he opened his eyes again, and they narrowed at something behind the chair.
"You," Xander growled, getting to his feet.
Lindsey looked up at him, bewildered, as Gohan's voice asked, "Me?"
"You were supposed to protect her, Gohan!" Xander bellowed, striding across the fancy carpet of the living room. His voice echoed off the high ceilings as everyone froze to watch. His fists were clenched at his sides, his arms shaking with fury.
"I know that," Gohan said. "I feel bad enough as it is."
"Not as bad as you're gonna feel," Xander said in a strained voice and swung at Gohan.
Having been attacked by Xander before, Gohan swiftly side-stepped and Xander missed. "I don't want to fight you," Gohan said.
"Pussy," Xander spat at him. "I trusted you. SHE trusted you. And when she needed you the most, you were nowhere to be found! And you let THIS happen?"
"You were there, same as I was!" Gohan threw back at Xander. "You could have saved her just as easily as I could."
"Oh, so now it's my fault?" Xander asked, astonished. "You're a real piece of work, man."
"Stop it!" Lindsey cried, jumping to her feet.
Xander lunged towards Gohan again, as Gohan moved out of reach once more.
"Fight me, you coward!" Xander commanded.
Gohan raised his fists, taking a step back with his right leg. "Your choice. I've been wanting to kick your ass for awhile now."
The two men flew at each other, grabbing each other by the shoulders, each trying to overpower the other. Gohan was quickly gaining the upper hand.
"Stop it! STOP IT!" Lindsey screamed and ran to them, trying to break them apart.
"Get back, Lindsey," Gohan growled.
Then she did something she'd never done before. She hit him. Not nearly hard enough for it to even sting, but it shocked him so badly, he released his grip on Xander. Realizing his opportunity, Xander struck Gohan in the jaw, sending him sprawling backwards.
"Goddammit, Xander!" she screamed and slapped him square in the face. She kneeled next to Gohan, who quickly stood and locked eyes with Xander.
"I didn't mean for this to happen!" Gohan shouted. "And nothing you can do or say to me is going to make me feel any worse! You don't know what this is like! Hearing her scream at night, crying out for help, knowing I should have been there!"
"Gohan, stop!" Lindsey begged. As if everyone knowing what happened wasn't bad enough, now they knew about her nightmares, too? Was nothing private anymore?
"She – trusted - you," Xander growled, emphasizing each word.
"I still do!" she yelled. "I trust you both! And I care about you both! What happened is not the fault of either of you." She was breathing hard, standing between the two young men, her knees shaking. "Today was horrible. I have never been so humiliated in my life! Now, not only do I have to live with these memories, but now everyone," she gestured to the large group of friends and family standing in the room, "EVERYONE knows. Do you know how disgusting I feel? How dirty? I feel like I could just," she stopped and made harsh scrubbing motions on her arm, "scrub my skin right off, and I'd still be dirty! I'm scared. I'm scared of everyone. Of all of you. And it's not your fault. Not one of you is guilty of anything, yet I treat each and everyone of you like you're going to hurt me at any given moment. You all don't deserve that. I know it! And I can't stop myself. I made the mistake of going to the creek that day. I made the mistake of provoking them. If anyone is to blame, it's me. It's my fault."
No one said a word as they all watched her, standing in the middle of the grand room, spilling her heart out. She didn't know where the words were coming from. She never wanted to say anything to any of them about it, and now she couldn't make herself shut up. Months of loneliness and anguish were pouring from her.
"I know what you're all thinking, because I'd think the same thing if the situation was different. That you could have saved me, if you were there. You WERE there! And that didn't change a thing. None of you could have stopped it. So don't blame yourselves, and especially do not blame each other!" she glared harshly at both Gohan and Xander. "Blame does nothing but cause hurt and anger."
Jenny was clutching Piccolo's arm, silent tears streaming down her face as she listened to her friend. She wanted so badly to take the pain from her, even if for a moment, just so she could have her friend back again.
"I never wanted any of you to know this. But now you all know. I just… I didn't… Goddammit, I love you! I love each and every one of you. You guys are my family. Weird and fucked up as we may be, that's what we are," she said as a couple of the guys laughed or nodded. "And I never, NEVER, wanted to cause you guys any pain. And if I did, I am truly, sincerely sorry for that. I don't know if I'll ever be right again. I don't know how to fix me. Just… give me a minute to figure it out." She scanned the room, and her eyes fell upon Yorgi who was standing behind her, leaning on the mantel. He nodded his approval at her words. She threw her shoulders back, elongated her neck, standing exactly the way Yelena had taught her. "Now," she said as she smoothed her skirt and gave her dreads a shake, "I am going up to my room rest, feel sorry for myself, and figure out how the fuck I'm supposed to redeem myself to themmmm." She pointed at Goku and Chichi. "And I expect someone to bring me a fifth of vodka and a pack of cigarettes." She strode across the room, heading for the doors that led into the rest of the house. "And not the cheap shit, either!" She paused, turned back and said, "And as for you two," she pointed to Gohan and Xander, "knock the shit off. I fuckin' mean it." And she swished from the room, allowing the heavy, gilded door to slam behind her.
Lindsey sunk back into the plush, four-poster bed, glad to be rid of the formal clothes she'd worn for most of the morning. Why couldn't tank tops and stretchy pants be considered formal? People would be a lot happier if they were.
She wasn't sure how she was supposed to be feeling. Overwhelmed was the only word for it. Had she really just given a speech to all of them? She felt like an ass. She was shaking all over. It was like every nerve in her body had been fried.
There was a soft knock at the door and she spoke the only Russian word she knew, "Da?"
"Hey cowgirl," came a soft voice.
"Cat," she smiled as she sat up.
Catie stood there, shifting from one foot to the other, looking absolutely miserable and unsure of what to say. Lindsey got to her feet and the two girls stared at each other for a minute, until Lindsey threw herself into Catie's arms. Catie squeezed her friend tightly as they both broke down in sobs.
"I'm so sorry!" Catie cried, clutching Lindsey's back.
"It's not your fault," Lindsey answered.
"I – I was right there!"
"Catie!" Lindsey said, jerking away and looking Catie sternly in the eye. "NO – ONE could have saved me."
Catie shook her head, tears spilling from her eyes. "I wish you'd told me."
"I didn't want to upset you," Lindsey said. "I'm sorry, Catie."
Catie sniffled and whacked Lindsey's arm. "You boob. Am I your friend or not?"
Lindsey blinked harshly at Catie's words. "Of course you're my friend, Cat. You're my BEST friend."
"Then why wouldn't you tell me about this?"
"I'm sorry," Lindsey said sadly.
There was another knock at the door and Sophie opened it. "Vodka and cigarettes," she crooned. She gave Lindsey a sad smile as she handed over the items, then left, closing the door behind her.
"Ya see that?" Lindsey asked, pointing at the closed door. "Did you see the pity on her face? THAT is why I didn't want to tell anyone. Now everyone's gonna treat me like I'm some damn pitiful, poor, broken doll that should be kept on the shelf."
Lindsey cracked open the bottle and took a good, long swig, the liquor burning her throat and calming her nerves slightly.
"Gimme that," Catie said, swiping the bottle and taking a swig herself. "Shit, that's harsh."
"It's smooooooth," Lindsey smiled. She lit a cigarette and flopped down on the bed.
"I wish you wouldn't do that," Catie said.
"Life is shit," Lindsey said around the cigarette hanging from her lips, "I should smoke two at once."
They lay on the bed on their sides, taking turns drinking the vodka, neither saying anything, each lost in their own thoughts.
A watery giggle escaped from Catie's throat. "Did you really get a ball-gag stuck behind your teeth?"
Lindsey groaned and buried her face in the bed.