Inside

Chapter Eleven: The Meeting

Hermione's POV

"It's bloody cold in here!" Ron announced again as he stomped his feet to the ground and began rubbing his mitted hands up and down his arms. "Are they ever going to light that fire?"

"I donno," I responded with equal – if not more - chill filled shivers. "But for the meantime we'll just have to make do, I'm sure she'll be here soon. You can go when she is; oh Ron don't look at me that way! I've told you more than a dozen times you didn't have to come! And besides, I won't tell you who she is anyways."

"And I've told you that I'm not leaving you alone, don't you remember what happened last time we were here? With Malfoy? Yeah, now I've got your attention. Just because he's not allowed to be in the same room with you at school doesn't mean he can't when he's out of it. And yes I know his rights to be allowed to visit Hogsmeade were banned but I've heard from sticky-ears Seamus that his Father wasn't too happy about that and so he's now allowed an hour every time we have a trip."

"Oh, honestly Ron, when are you ever going to let that go? It was an accident! And besides, his wands' been taken away, remember?"

"Yes, I do remember," he said worriedly, "But," he added softly as he slid in closer beside me on the bench, "But that doesn't mean he can't get one of his groupies to do his dirty work for him."

"Really?" I asked him in a false surprised manner. "Really, Ron, Really? Honestly, do you really think that he'd risk something so stupid and low as that? Do you really think he'd risk getting himself into any more trouble as to get himself even more days of which he would be wandless?"

"Well, no, but still. You can never be too careful, especially when it's Malfoy who's involved. And yourself."

"Please Ron; I can take perfect care of myself." I told him while shaking my head and hugging myself tightly with my chin tucked into the top part of my jacket.

"Yeah, tell that to your arm."

"Ronald! How d-"

"How dare I bring up something that you had no knowledge was even to happen? How dare I say you've no way of protecting yourself against something you can't even see coming?" He asked. "Yeah, right, you can take care of yourself." He added sarcastically.

"No." I told him. "I was actually going to say how dare you bring up such a painful memory, but I think you made your point perfectly clear. Besides," I said, standing up with my arms still wrapped around myself, "I've got to go, so you can go on and think up more points about how I am defenseless to criticize me about later. See you later."

"Hermione, don't, I didn't mean it like-"

"Whatever," I said bitterly while walking towards the door and away from him, "She's arrived."

My hands shook as I stood staring at the numbers etched into the door before me, though it was not from the cold.

I inhaled a deep breath and closed my eyes before raising my gloved hand to the door in a fist and knocking five times; my eyes opening slowly and air leaving my lungs at the same pace as my heart hammered quickly in my chest. Why am I so nervous? I wondered as I listened to the sounds of her footsteps approaching the door. It's not as if she's a complete stranger. She is my Mother after all, and we have exchanged several letters to each other…

"Hello, Hermione," she smiled with both her hands about the door; one grasping at the wood, the other clutched softly around the handle - a look of both happiness and nervousness plain on her face.

"Hi," I said stupidly while fumbling my hands together as she took small steps towards me, until at last her arms were wrapped around me, pulling me against her with affection only a Mother could have towards her daughter, and I instantly felt trust towards her and wrapped my arms around her just as eagerly.

"Please, come in," she asked after we had parted and she stepped backwards to open the door wider for my entry. "I know its awful downstairs, they do this every few decades or so. "Preserving the firewood they say, well, I say people are cold and we are surrounded by more than enough trees. And magic, at that."

I smiled sweetly as I passed her, pulling off my gloves and scarf as I looked over at the tall flames erupting from the fireplace. My cheeks and lungs filled with heat as she helped me slide off my jacket, and then vest. "You say they do this every so often? Not light the fireplace downstairs I mean, why?"

She rolled her eyes as she pulled out a generously stuffed chair for me to sit in. "Merlin only knows. But, if you ask me they are simply too lazy and more concerned about their own well-being than others."

"But that doesn't make any sense, without fires there are sure to be far less customers, aren't there?" I asked as I pulled my sleeves halfway down my hands and watched as she took her own place at the small table beside me.

"Remember, it was only a guess." She smiled sweetly as she scooted herself in and looked over at me; taking my hands and cupping them in hers. "My, you certainly are beautiful."

"Thank you," I said awkwardly, not used to such blatant comments on myself.

"You're welcome, though you need not thank me, I was stating a fact."

Looking down at our hands entwined, I smiled before going on. "Sorry, but, why did you want to meet me? I don't mean to be rude, I'm happy that you did. I just… it doesn't make sense that you would want to meet me? I mean, after the way I was conceived, and everything."

"I knew that you might ask me such a thing," she sighed before taking a hand away from mine to pick up and scoot her chair closer towards mine. "Hermione, as crazy as it sounds, the moment I found out I was pregnant with you, I was in love with you.

"To me you are not a reminder of tragedy, but of beauty. The fact that something so wonderful, something so innocent and so pure could come out of something so ugly, it makes me know that there is still light within the dark. For why else would you have come to me? Why else would I have conceived you in the first place, and carried you for all those months? Surly not as a constant reminder of what happened, or as a way to torment me.

"Few people knew that I was pregnant, and even fewer knew how it had happened. And those people asked, demanded that I abort you, that I get rid of you. Before you even had a chance to make it in the world. But I simply told them no, for I had made up my mind.

"I would have you, yet I would not keep you. I would give you to a kind muggle family, completely unaware and unknowing of the magical world. Having no knowledge of how you happened, and in doing so knowing that one day I would have you back, that I would be able to see you again.

"I knew from the start that you were perfect. That you were a girl and that you would be beautiful and smart and charming… No, I could never take away your chance at life before you even had a chance to live. Nor would I take away the beauty and love you would give to people in it. I could never rob the world of that.

"No, if I had not gotten pregnant I would be very much different than I am now. I would see nothing but tragedy, and you, my love, are no tragedy."

I smiled with tears stinging the base of my eyes as I slid my hands from under hers and wrapped my arms lovingly around her. "I love you," I cried while tightening my hold on her.

"I love you too," she told me softly with tears in her voice, "So very, very much Hermione."

"So are you going to see her again?" Ron asked as we sat beside each other in the dim glow of the fire. "Your Mum I mean."

"Yes, the next trip to Hogsmeade." I told him before folding my hands into my lap.

"That's cool, so you two hit it off I take it?"

"Yes, she is so much better than I could have imagined Ron, I truly love her."

"That's good," he nodded. "I mean, she is your Mother, you haven't seen her since the day you were born, but it's good you still have that connection with her."

"Yeah," I smiled, "Yeah, it is.

"I mean it was a bit awkward at first, but as soon as she had her arms around me I felt at home. A feeling my adoptive Mother has never quite been able to give me, which, up till recently, I never knew why. But now I understand how it really feels to be loved by your Mother; your real Mother."

"Yeah, I've had my Mum my whole life, so I can't really imagine what it would be like without her." He laughed softly before lacing his fingers together and looking over at the fire. "Hermione, what is this?" He added.

"What's what?" I asked him curiously.

"Us," he said. "What are we to each other?"

"Friends."

"Hermione, you kissed me, and, to be honest, I thought that meant we were together. But you've been nothing but avoidant towards me since then. I let you kiss me, hell; I've been waiting for you to do it for years. But, whenever I get close to you, or try to hold your hand or kiss you, you either lean away and change the subject or run off saying you've got something important to do."

"Well, recently I have had things to do, Ron. I've had a lot on my mind, getting in contact with my birth Mother, detention. I've been busy."

"Well, you're not busy now," he pointed out as he sat up straight with his back perpendicular to the back of the couch and looked over at me expectantly. "So maybe now we can…"

"Ron, I'm… I've got to… Ron, please don't." I said as I leaned away from his slowly approaching lips.

"Why Hermione, why?" He asked me as he slid himself closer towards me. "Why did you kiss me like you did if you didn't really want it? And why now, when we are all alone with no one to see us do you reject me still? You say you've been busy, had a lot of your mind… but all I see is you trying to avoid me."

"I'm not avoiding you; Ron, if I were then I wouldn't be here with you now, would I?" I asked him.

"Okay, avoiding my lips then." He stated.

"Yes, Ron, please don't do this." I begged him. "I kissed you, yes, but it wasn't because I… oh, please don't make me say it."

"What, Hermione?" He asked me while folding his arms over his abdomen. "Why'd you kiss me if not because you wanted it?"

"I have been," I began slowly, carefully, "I was confused, Ron. Something happened that I didn't want to, and I thought that if I kissed you things would change… but they didn't. I'm sorry I used you like that Ron, really I am. I never meant to lead you on the way I did."

"Hermione, I have known you for years." He began. "And you've always been open with me; honest. You told me about Snape staying with you last summer, about your parent's leaving… and when you came back this year I thought that it was those things that were bothering you.

"And when things got really bad you shut me – and Harry - out entirely, when all we wanted to do was help you, like we've always helped each other. I mean, it took Harry to force it out of you about what was going on, with your being adopted, but even then, after you've told us, I can't help but feel you've left some major part out of the story.

"You look at Harry differently…

"You just, you're different Hermione. And not just your personality, but your appearance as well, you look more mature and grown up, which, I guess isn't all that surprising because we're not kids anymore. But, you just… I feel like I don't even know you anymore Hermione, and that kills me. It kills me.

"I love you so much, and I know you'll never feel the same way about me, and I have finally accepted that. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be your friend, I always want to be your friend Hermione, but the way you're acting… all your secrets and sneaking around and hiding… I feel like I'm not even that anymore."

"Ron, I never knew you felt this way," I said breathlessly. "Why'd you never tell me any of this before?"

"I've tried, but you're always so busy, or distracted. You're never around anymore. I feel I've lost you."

"You haven't lost me Ron," I told him shamefully, "Though you are right, I haven't been being honest with you; not fully.

"And I'm sorry I can't be, Ron, please don't look at me like that… You know I would be if I could be. It's just… what events took place to my being adopted is all very complicated and tragic. I am not keeping it from you to hurt you Ron; I am keeping it from you to keep what happened in the past in the past, where it needs to stay.

"So I am sorry if I am hurting you so badly Ron, but what I keep from you I keep from you for a reason… but know that I won't keep it from you forever. Just long enough to be able to handle it… to be able to know everything before I tell you anything, because I am just as tired of telling you half truths as you are hearing them from me." I reached out for his hand and squeezed it in mine, softly, to reassure him that I would always be there, and smiled.

"Promise?" He asked me with a strain in his voice.

"I promise." I told him before he leaned into me and pulled me into his arms, and he into mine.

"I trust you."

"Thank you Ron."

TBC