Disclaimer: Still don't own anything, sorry..
A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Here's chapter two, and with this, the story's over. ): Hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please tell me what you think -- reviews are really what motivates most writers, so if you like a story -- my stories, or stories by any other author on FF -- please take 10 seconds out of your time to review. It really makes an author's day. (: Anyway, without any further stalling....
Chained.
Chapter 2: Slow Decay
"I never thought I'd feel this
Guilty and I'm broken down inside
Living with myself
Nothing but lies"
- "World So Cold", Three Days Grace
I wake up to pure white walls and a beeping machine next to me. Everything's so bright. I don't think I've ever thought of a hospital as 'bright' before, just dull and boring and impersonal. But I get a headache the minute I open my eyes, and it doesn't subside even after I've closed them. I saw him, though, in the few fleeting moments my eyes were open. He's in the chair in the corner, staring at me. So familiar, yet so much a stranger. I feel like I should know who he is, but I don't. I can't remember.
"You're awake," he says, and I know from the voice he's the one that carried me. I know him. I just don't know how, or why. I don't say anything back, and eventually he continues. "We all thought you were dead." No duh. You were supposed to, that was the whole point. But instead of saying anything, I groan. "Kate? Can you talk?"
It feels so weird to hear my name, to hear somebody else say it, somebody besides my own mind. It's been so long since anybody's used it, since I've heard it, since I've heard the way it sounds out loud on somebody else's tongue. "Yeah," I say, and I'm actually surprised how easy it is for me to talk. It's as if my throat was never as dry as it had been. He doesn't say anything, and I know he's trying to think of the words to say. I actually feel sorry for him, a little bit. Discovering somebody who's supposed to be dead is actually, well, alive has got to be somewhat shaking. "Can you, uh, shut the blinds and turn off the light?" I feel weird asking him. Like I'm a freak or something. I don't know why; I shouldn't. I just spent goodness knows how long trapped in a dark room. I can see the light go down behind my eyelids and so I open my eyes. It still hurts a little bit, but I can deal with the light headache thumping against my temples.
He looks at me. He looks tired, like he hasn't gotten enough sleep. He probably hasn't. He's probably been waiting for me to wake up. "Do you need anything?" he asks, and I shake my head. Then I regret it.
"Well, actually.." I look up at him hopefully, and he nods for me to continue. "Can you answer a few questions for me?" He nods again. I close my eyes for a second. "Who are you?"
He just looks at me again. See? I should know this. I shouldn't have to ask. "Fornell." The name is all too familiar, and I try it out in a whisper on my own tongue a few times. Then it hits me.
"FBI." He nods, looking slightly relieved now that I remember him. "How long has it been, since you found me?"
"About four days."
I swallow. "And since I... since I, you know? Since I.. Died. Went missing."
"About four years."
Four years. Four whole years. Four years I've been trapped in that room, because of Ari, dead to everyone on the outside world. Four years of nothing but darkness and pain and.. shadows. Four years of talking to the shadows that surrounded me. Four years of waiting for somebody to come and save me, four years of waiting for that God that I spent my whole life learning about to come down and rescue me from Ari. Four years.
I've got nothing, nothing except what Ari didn't take. And God, he took just about everything left in me.
I swallow and try to control my emotions. I'm so tired right now. I don't want to hear any more of this, but I need to. I've missed out on four years of life.. Four years that I'll never get back. "How is everyone? Are they..." I trail off. I can't help it. I can't bring myself to finish that sentence, in any way. He'll know what I mean, or close to it.
"Everyone's fine." He pauses. I could speak, but I can tell by the look on his face that he has more that he wants to say. He just doesn't know how to word it. I should have known. He's walking on eggshells here, trying not to upset me. He doesn't need to, really, because I don't think anything he says is going to hurt me much more. I don't think anything anyone says is going to hurt me much more. "I, uh, I contacted NCIS a few days ago."
Did he talk to Gibbs? Tony? Abby? The Director? Who did he talk to, who did he tell that I'm alive? Why would he do that, without telling me first? I can't just go back to them. I want to, God knows I want to, but I know that it's not the best thing. I don't think it is. It would hurt them, wouldn't it? Being dead for four years and then just suddenly reappearing on their doorstep. It's not something that I want to have to go through, it's not something that I want to put them through.
He must have seen the fear in my eyes or on my face, or something, because he's quick to tell me more. "I told Agent David." He must see the confusion now, because he's quick to explain. "She, well, she took over your position after you... left." Left. As if I'd handed in a resignation letter and headed back to the Secret Service. "She's here now. I told her what had happened, and she said that she wanted to talk to you. I didn't want to tell Gibbs or the others yet, and.. She's good at keeping secrets." He looks at me. I bet he's afraid I'm going to start crying or something. You want to, don't you? "I'll go get her, if you want..." He's uncomfortable, I can tell, and ready to pawn me off on the next willing human being. So I nod. Getting used to being unwanted, are you?
I thought I had left the shadows behind. I thought they had stayed behind as I moved forward, been stuck in that room as I ventured back into the world. I guess I thought wrong.
"Caitlin Todd?" I hear the voice and I automatically cringe. The accent is too much like his, too familiar to his, that I can't think of anything but him right now and my heart starts to pound in my ears. Get over it. Listen to her. I take a breath and I calm myself down. I look at her, and she looks back. "I'm Ziva David." I don't care who you are, really. (Not that I would ever tell her that.) "Do you want to tell me what happened?" Not really.
"Ari took me, faked my death. Fornell found me. Not much more than that." There's more than that. I know it, and I'm sure she knows it, too.
"Care to elaborate?" Yes. Yes, she does know it.
"Not really."
She nods, accepting that, at least for now. I push myself up in the hospital bed to a sitting position, and I'm glad that she doesn't start fussing over me. "You're aware that you've been gone for the past four years?"
"Even if I wasn't, I would be now."
She looks annoyed at my statement, but I can't say that I really care. I don't even care that she replaced me, really. I knew they would have to. I just... I didn't think that I'd ever have to meet her. If they replaced me with her, then she's got to be better than me, right? I don't want to think about that. Not right now. You can't ignore your thoughts forever. I know that. Why do they think that I don't know that? Why can't they just leave me alone?
"I've informed the Director that you're still alive. I assume that the rest of the office will know before tomorrow afternoon."
Suddenly, I feel nauseous. I just want to throw up, I just want to go back to sleep and pretend like she hadn't just said that. Why? Why would they tell them that I'm still alive? Does she just like to hurt people? I've been gone for four years. They think I'm dead. I can't just show up on their doorstep!
And I tell her so.
She shrugs. "It wouldn't be fair to let them think that you are dead when you're right here."
But it's my life. It's my decision. Or at least it should be, shouldn't it? She has no right to take over my life. She has no right to tell them that. I should be the one to decide whether or not to tell them, not a stranger. I should have some control over my own life. I've had four years of no control. I think it's about time I get some.
They seem to think that I should be okay. They seem to think that me getting out of there fixes everything, that now everything's perfect in my life and I'm fine again. They don't seem to get it. This doesn't make anything better, it doesn't fix anything. If anything it makes it worse, and I just wish they could understand it. Because I'm not fine again. I'm no better than I was the day they found me, or the day before that, or the day before that, and I'm not going to be better tomorrow. I just wish they could understand that, and I wish they could understand without me having to tell them.
I open my mouth to speak but she just turns away and leaves. Just like Ari. I squeeze my eyes shut, blocking out the sounds of the shadows the best that I can. I don't want to deal with them. I don't want to deal with Agent David or Fornell. And I sure as hell don't want to deal with myself right now.
All I can do is hope for sleep.
~~~~.~~~~
His head is leaning over mine, so close I can feel his breath on my face, and I already know what's coming. His mouth lingers over my neck, his lips roughly pressing against my skin. His hand grips my shoulder, stopping my struggling, pinning me on the ground. "Don't be afraid," he whispers coldly into the darkness, sending shivers down my spine at just the sound of his voice. He adjusts his body over me, making sure he's got me where I can't even move. His hand runs down my arm, lightly, his nails gently scraping my skin. Down my side, digging deeper through my shirt, on my thigh now... He's reaching for the button, the zipper, and I see the sick, satisfied smile that curves on his lips, that gleam in his eyes...
I try to turn on my side, try to get away, but there's not quite enough room on the hospital bed and I end up waking up instead. Fornell and Ziva are sitting in the two chairs, talking to each other in hushed voices. They don't seem to realize I'm awake, so I shut my eyes -- blocking out the images of the nightmare I just had the best I can -- and try to hear what they're saying.
"Well, what do you think?" Fornell asks, his voice tired and slightly annoyed.
Ziva clears her throat quietly. I guess they're trying not to wake me up. "I don't know, really." I still hate that accent; it sends shivers through my spine. "They're shocked, but that's to be expected. As far as their actual emotions.. They won't tell me much at all."
Fornell sighs. "Can't you tell, at all? I mean, the way they speak, or something?"
"I told you. I don't know."
They fall silent for what feels like forever, so I decide it's time to 'wake up'. I force a yawn, stretching lightly and opening my eyes slowly. Fornell looks over at me, chewing his bottom lip, and Ziva glances in my direction before answering a text message. Or pretending to; I didn't hear her phone go off. "Morning," Fornell says, then he stands and walks over to my bed. Oh, boy. "We've talked to the doctors"--Ziva shoots him a quick glare, and I wonder if she's mad at him for bringing her into this--"and they said that you should be ready for dismissal in a few days." I don't say anything, so he continues. "Once you're out, we'll go from there. We'll get you cleaned up, get you some clothes, that sort of thing. Then we'll take you back to the NCIS office."
Of course. They want to take me back, because everybody knows now. I should have known. I shouldn't be as surprised as I am now. I knew it would happen eventually -- something in the back of my mind told me not to be naive, told me not to start thinking that this would all blow over. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon, and really, it's different when hearing it out loud. I force a nod, for Fornell's sake.
~~~~.~~~~
I don't want to go in. I really, really, really just don't want to go in.
I'm standing at the door. I've been standing here for the past twenty minutes. I remember walking in there every day for work, sometimes with Abby or Tony or McGee or sometimes even Gibbs or Ducky at my side. It was easy for me then. Why can't it be easy now?
Fornell's face is the epitome of frustration. He obviously doesn't like standing outside staring at doors for twenty minutes. Ziva went back to the car for my jacket. That's why we're still standing here. I said I was cold. It's seventy degrees. I'm not cold. I'm the farthest thing from it. I'm so nervous my heart won't stop beating and I can feel the sweat dripping. It's everywhere. I can't handle this. I can't do it. There's no way. They can't make me.
She returns all too fast. I'm still not ready. She walks up and stands at my other side, staring at the door just like I am. I want to just turn around and run, run away, before they know what's going on and before they can catch me. It wouldn't work, though. I'm too nervous. I wouldn't get very far, and I know it.
"You ready?" Ziva asks. The minutes are passing so slowly. It feels like I've been standing here for years. A few people have gone in since we've been standing here, those poor souls who got up too late or had to drive in from an unfamiliar house. They've stared at us like we were crazy -- or me, rather, because I'm sure they all know Agent David and Fornell. It's me they don't recognize. Or maybe they do recognize me, and that's why they've stared. I don't know.
"No," I say. She sighs. She must be as bored and frustrated as Fornell, but she knows how to keep it out of her face. She knows how to hide it.
She waits a few minutes, then tries again. I answer with another 'no', and again she turns her attention back to the door.
Fornell opens the door, and I'm confused. What's he doing? Is he going to go get them, bring them out here? I hope not. That doesn't make it any easier. Is he giving up? I don't know what to think about that. I don't know whether to be upset or relieved. But he's not moving. He's just standing there, holding the door open. I burrow my eyebrows in confusion. What's going on?
Then I feel my feet leave the ground and I understand. They're making me go in. Ziva carries me past the doorway. I don't bother struggling, because I know it won't do any good. It never does any good, not when you're as weak and helpless as I am. We're inside now and my heartbeat won't stop escalating, my body won't stop shaking, my arms won't stop sweating and I won't stop pulling the jacket tighter around me. I need something to feel safe, and I'm not getting it. I don't have a 'safety blanket' anymore. I don't have anything to make me feel better. I don't have anything to calm me down. I want that bottle of painkillers back, I want something to make the pounding on my temples go away. I can't handle this.
Ziva carries me into the elevator and doesn't put me down until the doors close. I stumble backwards until my back hits the wall and then I slide down, unable to keep myself standing. I bring my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them, burying my head into the small space between my knees. Fornell stops the elevator and I know how much of a child I must seem. But I can't help it. I just want to be somewhere else, anywhere else. Anywhere but here. Doing anything but this. I just want to be someone else, anyone else. Anyone who's better than this.
I feel a hand come down on my shoulder, and squeeze it gently. I can't imagine it being Ziva, so it has to be Fornell. Then again, he doesn't seem like too much of a comforting person, either. I swallow hard, wiping the tears that had started to form in my eyes on my sleeve. It's been forever since I've cried. I don't really want to start now. I take in a shaky breath, pulling myself together. "I'm sorry," I mutter, standing up and grabbing onto the rail. Fornell just nods, turning the elevator back on.
Well, I guess I've crossed the Rubicon now.
It seems like no time passes before the doors open. I don't want them to open. Ziva walks out, and Fornell puts a hand on my shoulder and gently squeezes, just like a few moments ago. I take in a deep breath, pulling my jacket around my tightly. Then I walk out, Fornell right beside me.
~~~~.~~~~
It's silent. I've been here three, maybe four hours now and still the silence is the only thing that surrounds us. They've all greeted me, they've all said hello, but everything seemed forced. They're confused. They're still shocked. I get it. But I've had four years of silence. I don't need anymore of it, I don't want it to keep haunting me. The silence gets us nowhere.
I never meant to fade away. I never meant to stay away for so long. I only meant to be gone for a short time, or until I really did die, and then it would be as if I never lied to begin with. Then it would be okay. I never meant to fade away, just to reappear after so long. After they'd grieved and moved on. It's not fair to them and I know it. It's not fair to me, either, and I think I'm the only one who knows that. We know.
I mean, I worked so hard to get where I had gotten. To get to the Secret Service, to get NCIS, to be successful. That took a lot of work and now, now it doesn't even matter. I may as well have never even tried; I would have ended up the same, just maybe a little less hurt and a little more happy.
I'm sitting on the floor, leaning against my old desk. Ziva's desk. She's out in the field, McGee's down in Abby's lab, Gibbs is goodness knows where and Tony is right in front of me, hitting the keys in front of him with unnecessary force. His eyebrows are together in a scowl and he's glaring at the computer like it just tried to kill him. It's a look I know all too well, even after all this time. He's mad.
You're not supposed to be here.
I scoot up.
You're supposed to be dead.
I run a hand through my hair.
They already got over you.
Stop it. Please. I put my weight onto my hands and readjust my position.
You're nothing to them but a thing of the past.
I know. Stop. My hands clench into fists.
They don't want you here anymore.
Of course they don't. I squeeze my eyes closed.
They've got Ziva now.
Yes, they do. Someone better than me. I lean my head upwards, until it hits the desk behind me.
You coming back is ruining their lives.
"Shut up!"I yell. I don't mean to. I was just supposed to think it, not say it. I just want the shadows to stop talking. I don't want to listen to them. I just want them to go away.
Make us.
I can't. I can't fight them and I can't win and I know it. I know it but I don't know what to do, I don't know how to get them to stop talking, I can't get them out of my head no matter how hard I try. They may let go a little bit but I know I can't make them let go completely, I can't do it, not by myself and not like this... They're too strong, they're in my head and they won't get out.
I can feel Tony looking at me. He's staring, trying to figure out what's going on. He's looking at me like I'm crazy and I don't blame him, I can't blame him. Because I am crazy. I have to be crazy, talking to the shadows on the walls and beneath the desks and beside the cabinets.
"I don't... I don't want to hear it anymore!" I feel the sting of tears against my eyes. I don't want them to fall. I don't want Tony to see me cry. I bring my knees up to my chest and bury my head, but I can't bring myself to move any more than that. I can't make myself get up and walk away. I want to, I want nothing more than to get away, but I can't.
It's sad, really.
That's what he had said. Those were Ari's words.
You can't do anything else, can you?
No. No. That's what he had said to me when he brought up the deal. No. They were quoting him now. They were using his words.
I feel a hand on my back, I feel somebody trying to pull me up. I tear away from whoever it is, stumbling backwards blindly. I won't open my eyes. I can see now, I can see too well. I don't want to see his face. I don't want to see Ari. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want him anywhere near me.
Don't be afraid, Caitlin.
That's what he always said to me... They words he used when I struggled...
I hear somebody walking towards me. It's him, I know it's him, because there's nobody else here. It's just me and him, like it has been for the past four years. I'm here and he's here and he can do whatever he wants to me, just like he always has, but this time I can try to get away. I don't have the chains. I can back up until he gets me into a corner and then, and then I get to know that even without the chains I'm still helpless. I'm still powerless. I'm still weak and I still can't do anything.
Then the footsteps stop. I hear a voice, calling out to me, saying my name -- saying Kate -- but I can't really hear them. The shadows are drowning them out, Ari's voice is taking over my mind. I hit the wall and I fall to the ground. This is it. This is all there is.
All I do is lose.
I feel two hands on both of my arms, gently pulling me up. I slowly open my eyes, and through the tears all I see is the office. What's.. what's going on? Where is he? I turn to both of my sides and he's not there, just Fornell and Gibbs and Tony and McGee and Ziva and Abby. I don't know when any of them came, I don't know when they got here. I remember Tony being here, but that was before Ari got here. No. It couldn't have been. What..?
"Kate." I turn to Gibbs. "What's wrong?"
"Ari--" I start, but then I stop. They're all looking at me, waiting. "He was here, wasn't he? He was... he was saying all these things, chasing me..."
They just look at me sadly. Ziva almost looks guilty. Fornell looks as though he knows exactly what's going on and Gibbs looks mad as hell. Tony looks as though he's about to cry and McGee looks like he wants nothing more than to hug me. Abby's got her back turned and I know, I know without seeing that there are tears running down her face and she's scared, I know that she's scared as hell for me (or is it because of me?). I know and it breaks my heart, it hurts so bad to see all of their faces, my family, standing here, looking at me like I'm insane, like I'm a China plate that just shattered all over the floor. It hurts to see how scared and how hurt they are because of me. I hate it, and the tears run down my face even as I struggle to keep them in.
"He was here, wasn't he?" I repeat, my voice shaking and my head spinning as the throbbing against my temples gets harder and harder. Eventually Ziva shakes her head.
"But.. I heard him. It.. It was him. The shadows. They were always him, talking to me, telling me.." I swallow. I knew it. I knew I was going to go crazy and now here I am. Crazy. Insane. Imagining people who aren't even here, hearing things that aren't even real.
"Kate..." I know he doesn't know what to say. Gibbs always knows what to say, but no, I've made him speechless. If it had been some day four years ago, I probably would have been proud of that fact. But now all I want to do is cry. "Ari's dead," he says, obviously not satisfied with the words he had to choose. "He's dead."
I stumble towards Tony, just wanting somebody, anybody to hold me; I pretty much fall onto him, the tears streaming down my face before I've even reached him. And he holds me, whispering "It's okay" and "I'm right here" and "I won't let anything happen to you again" in my ear. He holds me like there's no tomorrow. Because who knows. Maybe there isn't.
Maybe I'll never be able to escape the shadows.