Disbarred. The word bares more meaning then I could ever think plausible. I see it in my head like a looming shadow swallowing up any masculine pride I pretended
to have. A chip on my shoulder. A chink in my armour. The world watches my failure and without that old, burnished badge, I somehow feel half the person I was.
Does she even have a television where she is? They definately have to have papers.
It occurs to me looking at the photo of her in my wallet, the captured moment of her laughter, that I have no concern for what the world thinks. Its her. I think about her
every day, my permanent thought but now I think she has to despise me even more now, more then she must have done that night. But its a release to have her despise me and
curse me and regret the day she ever kissed me. Its like a release of air, like oxygen aiding me to breathe and function because if she despises me then I dont have to carry the
leaded weight that is my guilt and my regret. I loved her, I did. To see her cry the way she did..well no words could describe it, guilt, guilt and more guilt. Heartbreaking.
I sit in my office chair continously staring at the last little piece of her I have left. Her laugh was husky yet soft like a tiny gust of air. I could listen to it endlessy. I'd do anything to get her to laugh just so I could listen. It called me, it seduced me. She didnt know her own elegance, the untouched moments of beauty on her face. A careless yawn or delicately munching on her food or when she sighed heavily, a testament to her tiredness. All these little things, they called me further to her.
The night we first became lovers plays out, projecting in my mind. I see her in a lilac nightgown that displays her youthful figure, floating about my home. She doesnt know the influence her presense has on me, she doesnt know how much I want her,
that the display of her naked shoulders looking like white porclein is driving me mad. She's tidying her things away, smiling and laughing with me. Joking about this and that. She doesnt know how I feel about her and I
dont know when it began but its there. Present and persistant. She sweeps her dark hair over her shoulder, exposing the back of her perfect neck. She bends gracefully to collect a selection of magazines on my coffee table,she
knows nothing of her own beauty but every night I watch her like this from afar, take time to look at her because right now its all I can do. She doesnt even know, does she? She has no clue.
"Nick.." she says, turning allowing her hair to follow course with her body and fall from shoulder. She doesn't disturb me from my admiration of her but I try not to be to obvious.
"Im going to bed. Goodnight" She smiles gently and I watch her walk up to her room.
The temptation to follow her is hard to resist, to let her know how I feel but its difficult, its complicated. She'll be master of Kurain in a month or two, will she go and forget me? But...different things are calling us.
So why, Pheonix, did you put her here in front of you, in your own home knowing you cant ever have her, not completley? I conclude that a part of me, this old ticker of mine thought perhaps she wouldn't go. I hang my head
feeling selfish. Im falling in love with her..I know it right there and then, swivveling around on my breakfast bar stool. I see the burning bridge for perhaps only a second,feel my desperation to get to her and the heat of the flames. Instinctive
reaction.
She has to know. She has to have knowledge of all the facts. Months I have to have with her. It feels right to be doing this.
I get up of my stool and with excitement filling my heart and my head, I walk with an unexpected confidence up the stairs. To her bedroom. The door is slightly a jar, the darkness of her room pouring out and contrasting with the landing light. Its sets my shadow up agaisnt the wall.
I stop breifly to hear my head beating faster and faster with anticipation. Im this close. I enter her room, feeling calmer surrounded by
the black. It cloaks my nervousness, my slight uncertainty. I approach her form in the bed, sliding into the blankets, beside her body.
its radiating warmth.
I feel fingertips that are cool to the touch, they encircle my neck. "Nick, I've been waiting"...her voice is filled with purpose, hurried, urgent. But I can hear her desire too.
I take in all the of the moment, the feeling of her breathe, the touch of her skin, the smell of flowers emenating from it. I replay her words in my head. I beg this moment not to stop.
Theres no conversation, the silence speaking volumes for both of us. Theres no conversation as I feel our lips meet, her taste filling my mouth. Our hearts are beating faster together, each others skin meeting one another.
She mumbles "I love you", I say that I lover her too.
That night stretched out as an expanse of sense, a blur of heat and breathe. Time was endless with her. But in the morning we had found satisfaction in one another. I woke with more then I had the night before. I had her.
I smile contently having reminisced but the harsh beep of a passing car calls me into the present day. I go to the waste paper basket in the corner of my dimly-lit office, I let go of the old badge. The past had better days. The past had her.