Chapter 23

The days after the incident were difficult at best. Riku ran a high fever that lasted several days, and it took him ten days to wake up after the transformation. Naminé spent every waking minute with him, leaving only to sleep and attend to other basic bodily demands. It had become an unspoken understanding that she would be the one to tend to Riku, and Diz and Mickey kept a respectful distance while she carried out these duties faithfully.

Naminé remembered the day he had woken up. Riku's body was unfamiliar and prone to infection, so it had taken him a long time to come back into the conscious world. Even then, he had still not fully recovered. Naminé had been cleaning up around the room, and hadn't seen his eyes flutter open.

"Naminé?" he whispered hoarsely. She looked around sharply, wondering if the sound had been just in her head. Relief and happiness flooded through her when he saw Riku's hand reaching for her own. She walked over and clasped it tightly.

"I'm here," she said, sitting down beside him. "Take it easy."

Riku pulled her down on top of him and folded her into a crushing embrace.

"H-hey," she laughed, though her tone was kind. "What's gotten into you all of a sudden?"

"Is this real?" he rasped, trying to exercise his unused vocal cords. "Are you really here?"

"No pulse," she joked. "Guess I'm lucky I never had one."

It had taken him a long time to let go after that, and she couldn't fully understand why. He had murmured a few things in her ear, but they were only snatches of sentences that she couldn't decipher. It didn't matter though. His outward appearance had changed, but his mind was still his. Not only that, but he had recognised her also. So much had gone wrong for them over the last few months that these two pieces of news were enough to erase all those bad times. Riku was still Riku, and because of that, she could still be his.

Riku pulled two black gloves out of his bedside locker and slid them onto his hands with a sigh. The adjustment to his new body had been pretty hard. The first time he had seen his face was the evening after his awakening. He had gone to his wardrobe to change into a fresh shirt and saw his image on the mirror hanging inside. Even though he had been warned of what to expect, the reality was truly horrifying. Admittedly, he hadn't prepared himself enough for that shock. It took Mickey and Diz all they could manage to restrain him, and Diz had even had to inject him with a sedative to calm him down.

After that, the days had been similar. Riku was still recovering, and his body was nowhere close to one hundred percent, so all he could do was hang around the mansion, waiting to be better. The others treated him like he was a ticking time bomb. He could see the way they chose their words carefully, and made sure not to do anything that would remotely get on his bad side. Riku was unsure if he even had a good side anymore.

He pulled open the wardrobe door and looked inside. The mirror was cracked in several places and his image was distorted as a result. The breakage had been a result of his first reaction to his new self. He deliberately avoided looking himself now; it only filled him with disgust. He pulled the hood of his robe over his head with a sigh and turned away. He knew he had chosen this, he knew that, but why? Why did it have to be this way? Why did it have to be Ansem? He could feel that man's influence stirring throughout his body, and it deeply unsettled him. The last time he had a taste of the power Ansem possessed, he had lost control of it, and had lost control of himself in the process. He knew things were different now; he knew he could use darkness along with light to his advantage, but that threat remained hanging in the air, scrutinising every move he made, waiting for that one second where he would overindulge in the power darkness brought. It would always remain. When he thought about things that way, it was no small wonder that Diz and the King were being overly cautious.

Naminé was the only one who acted the same. She still visited him, but he didn't have the heart to talk to her. A part of him still couldn't believe that she was alive. In that darkness, he had been so sure, it had been so real…Seeing her, being with her, made him so relieved that she was alive, but something deep in his consciousness clawed at him, telling him that this was going to change. Whenever Riku saw her smiling face, whenever she made a joke to make him feel better, he knew that these moments could never last, and it made him feel so overwhelmed that he felt sick. He thought that in time those feelings might change, but they hadn't. Trying to go pretend that he was the same person now only proved how much of a monster he had become. He couldn't be around her anymore, not like this. He knew he couldn't stay. As much as he hated to admit it, it was time for him to leave. Riku dragged some of the black robes from their hangers. He was putting his things into a suitcase when Naminé knocked on the door.

"Hey," she said softly. A small smile crossed her face, but she was hesitant to show her delight in seeing him. "How are you doing?" Riku moved to step in front of the suitcase, but she noticed before he had successfully blocked it from her view.

"What is this?" she asked, though both of them knew it was a stupid question. Riku sighed, then turned back to the wardrobe. Most of his clothes were useless now; his whole build had changed dramatically since…

"You're not even going to say anything?" Naminé said with a short, disbelieving laugh. Riku looked back at her momentarily and shrugged.

"What's there to say?"

Naminé didn't even know how to reply. Ever since that day, he had become so cold, so distant, as if he were full of the loathing the darkness wanted him to embrace. She had seen him once, maybe twice in the last five days, and even then, he wouldn't even look at her. She knew he needed some time to get used to his new body. Psychologically, she couldn't even begin to understand the effect this could have on him, but she wanted to be there for him, like he had always been there for her. However, it seemed like he was showing no improvement whatsoever. Being in the same room as him now felt more like the time they were walking the alabaster halls of Castle Oblivion.

"So that's it then," she said, somewhat matter-of-factly. She folded her arms in defiance, but its angry impact was somewhat lessened by the tears in her eyes. "You're just going to leave, and we'll act like the last few months just never happened, is that it?"

Which was exactly the opposite of what he wanted, but that was something he could never divulge to her. Things were different now, that much was true at least. The past few days had given him a completely different outlook on his life. When he was in that darkness, he had felt the full force of what it would be to never see Naminé again. The grief had reached such an extent that it had almost led him astray in that abyss. If he had lost his mind, he didn't know what he could have done to her, or any of his friends for that matter. He was Ansem now, the embodiment of all he hated. Though his enemy had only claimed Riku's outward appearance, there was still the chance that Ansem could capture his mind. It would be best for everyone if he were to stay away for the time being.

However, that wasn't the only reason. It wasn't even the main reason why he needed to leave. As much as he wanted to blame Ansem, the real fault lay with himself. He was detrimental to Naminé's survival, and he wondered why it had taken a complete immersion in darkness to see the light on that matter. In that place, his worst fears had been realised. It was highly likely that one of his friends was Naminé's real self. If she met any of them, he could lose her instantly. It would be like pointing a gun to her head every time they walked past a girl he knew. How could he subject her to that pressure, that fear, that worry, every single day? It would be torture for her, even if she would never admit it. What possible relationship could they hope to maintain after all this was over? He didn't want her to die, of that much he was absolutely sure. But the fact remained that she could never be safe around him. If it meant he would have to let her go to ensure her well-being, well, he could put his own needs aside to make that happen, because he loved her more than anything else in all the worlds combined.

"I'm not…" he started, though he wondered how he would continue. "I'm not the person I was anymore."

"Riku..." Naminé started, walking rapidly up to him. She didn't know why, but those were the scariest words she had ever heard uttered from his mouth. She reached out her hand and touched his cheek. Riku pulled away instantly, as though her hand were made of fire.

"Don't..." he said. His deep voice felt unfamiliar, ugly. He hated it. "You can't...you shouldn't see me like this, Naminé."

"No!" she shouted. "What about us, Riku? It took us so long to get here; I can't not have you in my life!" She sprung forward, clutching desperately at his robe. Riku wanted to leave, but he stood, frozen.

"I can't go back to being nothing, Riku." Her voice was barely above a whisper. "You make me who I am, without you, I'll be a nobody again. Please..." Naminé's head fell into his chest. Before, they had been similar in height, but Ansem's form made him so tall that she barely reached it.

"Please," she repeated. "Don't leave, don't leave me."

Riku lifted his arms and wrapped them around Naminé's neck, pulling her close. They stood there for a long time, holding each other tightly. Riku felt that if he let her go she would break. And perhaps that was true. Two tears escaped from his eyes, which only made him squeeze her closer, as if doing so might make her a part of him forever.

"I love you so much," he mumbled incoherently into her hair. Naminé, however, understood.

"Stay with me," she begged him. "This doesn't change anything; we knew this was going to happen when you did it!"

Riku let go. Naminé looked up, and seeing the changed expression in his eyes, took a step back and shook her head.

"No," she said, more to herself than to him. "No, Riku, I won't-"

"Naminé," he interrupted. "I'm not Riku anymore. That's the exchange the Berra took. I'm Ansem now."

"Riku..." She began.

"He's dead!" he bellowed. His deep voice made Naminé shudder. Anger flashed across his face. "Riku got lost to darkness! He's dead, Naminé; forget that he ever existed or cared!!"

"Ansem is just your outwardly appearance," she argued fervently. "It doesn't change who you are, who you'll always be to me! I LOVE YOU, DAMMIT!!"

Naminé thought for a second that she saw a flash of shock jolt through Riku's now golden eyes, but it was replaced almost instantly by the icy demeanour he was desperately trying to hold on to.

"I can't continue living in your perfect world of romance. It doesn't work that way. Things can't happen the way you want them to."

"Why are you saying these things?" she asked.

"So you have no misconceptions of what I've become."

"This isn't you," she pleaded. "You're not like this."

"This is what Ansem is."

"No, I can't believe you, I won't believe you!! Riku, stop trying to protect yourself!"

"I have nothing more to say to you," he replied, pushing past her. Naminé caught his cloak to stop him. His hood falling back, Riku turned sharply at the tug.

"What happened in that place?" she asked softly. Riku started, fear clouding his eyes. She couldn't know. If she were to ever find out, she would never let him go. So, he did the only thing he could think of doing and pushed her away. Not used to the newfound strength his dark body gave him, Naminé was thrown back. She hit the wardrobe with a dull thud and cried out, though it was more from shock than pain. They stared at each other for a moment in stunned silence, neither of them quite believing what he had just done. It was the first time he had ever been so forceful with her. Riku would have never hit her...

However, as he had said, he was Ansem now. Had she really lost him? Was he really gone?

"I'm sorry," he said finally, pulling his hood over his head once more. Grabbing the suitcase quickly, he turned and walked for the door.

"No, Riku!" she cried, forcing herself to her hands and knees. "Riku!" Tears flowed freely from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks, and she stretched her hand out towards his departing figure in a vain attempt to reach him. Taking no notice of her pleas or tears, he kept walking until he had disappeared from the room. Naminé shook her head. It couldn't be real. It just couldn't be. Riku...

"RIKU!"

Author's Notes

I'll have the epilogue up soon. I'll talk more about this chapter once that's up. I bet you're all wondering how this is going to end with a chapter like that! Thank you all so much for all your kind reviews, especially since school and college and work and everything else in between has recommenced this month, I'm really grateful. I hope you got your replies! And thank you so very much for reading.

LastCetra.