I do not own any of the characters of BBC Sherlock, nor any of the literal works mentioned in these stories.

Thanks to dear Ennui Enigma for betaing.

We have Sally Donovon and Anderson joining the fun!

"So Sherlock, have you read the Hobbit"

"What's that? Yes, I'm coming John!"

"So Sherlock, if you're Legolas and John is Gimli, does that make me Aragorn?"

"Of all the characters, you picked the one who is the king, how modest of you."

"It could have been worse, he could have picked Gandalf!" John interjected.

"John's more of a hobbit than a dwarf!" Anderson shot.

Sherlock wrinkled his nose "Piss of Gollum!"

"Watch it freak, you don't wanna mess with me!" Anderson growled.

"Okay kids; break it off before another war of the ring starts!" Lestrade said soothingly

"Even if we were Merry and Pippin we could beat you Gollum!" Sherlock scoffed.

"Funny, we did face off a Gollum in real life…" John mused.

"Merry and Pippin? You are more Frodo and Samwise Gamgee." Anderson shot back

"They got rid of Gollum, threw him in the boiling pit in Mont Doom." Sherlock retorted.

"You're better off with Merry and Pippin." John added.

"By the royal power invested in me, I command you to break it off!" Lestrade said imperiously.

"You're gonna need a whole lot more than royal authority to break those two off!" John muttered.

"Bolt of lightning?"

"Tempt Gollum with his precious and Pippin with a pint!"

"How did we end up with hobbits?" Anderson asked, exasperated.

"You're an ex-hobbit!" Sherlock spat.

"Does that mean he gets to eat you whole?" Sally asked hopefully.

"Only if he beats him in a game of riddles." John replied mock seriously.

"How many times do I have to tell you John, I hate riddles!"

"Chicken!" Anderson jeered.

"If it were a matter of solving a murder, you would have lost before the match had even begun." Sherlock retorted.

"Then you would have eaten him?" Sally asked confused.

"I don't think this argument happened in the Lord of the Rings books, it was in-"

"Yes Greg, but Gollum had to stick to a deal in the trilogy as well. In both cases he was supposed to guide the Hobbits. Okay, I just realized I completely lost track of the original argument Sherlock."

"Excellent idea John. How about you guide us to a point that we won't have to suffer through your idiocy during the cases?"

"…"

"Ah well, there's always the pit in Mont Doom!"