Callie became aware of voices, talking quietly and over each other. She opened her eyes and the talking immediately stopped. For a moment, she felt confusion. Then she felt as though she were falling as she slowly remembered the night before.
Gathered into the room was an array of her colleagues. None of them was Arizona. None of them spoke.
Callie groaned and stared at the ceiling. The silence was physically hurting her, but she did not want to talk; she couldn't. Eventually, she looked at the crowd. She saw Bailey, who looked like she had been crying, at the forefront.
''What's happened?'' asked Callie, sensing something had. Nobody replied. ''Bailey?'' asked Callie, cautiously.
''It's…it's Richard'', she replied, obviously fighting back emotion, ''he…he might not make it''.
''Oh my god'', Callie whispered. She didn't ask anything else. She didn't feel like she could fall any further.
She felt that it was somehow her fault; that Webber possibly dying was somehow her fault. Arizona not being there, that was her fault. She felt as though she were shaking. She couldn't think. She heard herself scream, briefly. Then a moment's silence.
A few people muttered. Callie heard the words 'psych consult'.
''Nobody's getting a psych consult. Everybody out'', demanded Bailey, ''out!''. The crowd slowly left. Callie did not look up, but instead covered her face with her hands. When she did look up, she saw Brooks standing near the door. Callie caught her eye, then looked away.
Nothing was said. Brooks remained standing there. Callie looked at her again.
''Did you really try to cut off your own leg?'' Brooks asked, as though she were asking about the weather.
''Get out!'' demanded Bailey, reappearing, grabbing Brooks' sleeve and dragging her through the door, closing it behind them.
Callie lay there for a while, trying to think. She was fine, she told herself, fine. She regretted what she'd done to herself, but felt that it was somehow unimportant. It didn't matter. What mattered was the feeling of emptiness she felt, and how she could feel so empty when she'd never hurt more in her life.
***
Arizona was talking to Tim, one of the concerned parents, when Owen found her. He waited until they had finished before approaching her. She was smiling, but the smile did not reach her eyes.
''Hey, can we talk?'' asked Owen.
''Sure'', replied Arizona.
After he had explained what Callie had done, Arizona had stopped smiling. She didn't say anything.
''I'm sure this is hard for you…'', started Owen, trailing off.
Arizona did not respond.
''Arizona?''
''I'm nearly finished up here'', she said, looking oddly blank, ''I guess I'll collect Sofia from daycare''.
***
Bailey entered Callie's room and checked her chart. She looked at the uneaten plate of food the nurse had left some time before. ''You should really eat at some point'', she said.
''I'm not hungry''.
''Torres, you have to eat at some point this week''.
''I won't die of starvation if I don't eat this crap'', replied Callie.
Bailey slowly sat down beside her. ''Callie, you have a child; a child who needs you. She needs you to look after yourself and get out of here so you can look after her''.
''If I could get to the canteen, and eat something that's maybe actually edible, then I would be more than happy to do that''.
''I'll see what I can do, but I'm not promising anything''.
Callie was aware that nobody was really asking what they wanted to ask. Nobody had said anything; it was like she hadn't even tried to cut off her own limb.
She regretted mentioning the canteen. She just said it because she didn't want anyone to force her to eat. She began to panic, thinking she might see Arizona in there. She scared herself because she wanted to see her, but was at the same time somehow afraid of her. She reasoned that she was probably afraid of her reaction, not of her. Yet, somehow, the thought of Arizona made her panic. She couldn't even imagine her face. Her wife's face.
Hunt entered the room some hours later, wheeling a hospital wheelchair in with him.
''You ok?'' he asked.
''Yeah'', replied Callie, ''I'm fine''.
''I brought you a wheelchair so you can go to the canteen. I'll send an intern to take you down there, if you want?''
''great, yeah. Thanks''.
Hunt stood there, awkwardly for a moment. Then he left.
Brooks appeared from what seemed to be nowhere.
''Hey'', she said brightly. She stood there, staring and smiling.
''Brooks'', said Callie.
''Yeah?''
''Bring the goddamn chair over here''.
''Oh,'' Brookes realised, wheeling the chair over to Callie. ''You want help?''
''I do not'', replied Callie, struggling to get into the chair. For a horrible moment, she felt like Arizona.
After deciding she didn't want to go to the canteen, she ordered Brooks to take her to daycare to see Sofia. ''I think she's gone home with Arizona'', Brooks said, meekly. ''Then take me for a walk'', Callie snapped.
Brooks talked incessantly. Callie didn't hear her. The hospital walls somehow reminded her of everything she no longer had. She suddenly wanted to be alone, but not in that room. The room seemed to suffocate her with her own thoughts.
''Just get me some crutches'', demanded Callie.
''Chief Hunt said you're too weak for crutches''
''Then get me a chair I can wheel myself''
''Oh'', said Brooks, ''I can't''.
''Why not?'' demanded Callie.
''Erm, I think Chief Hunt wants you in this chair so you can't leave the room on your own''.
Callie stared into nothing. She could no longer see the walls of the hospital. She longed to see Sofia. She thought of Arizona and saw her eyes. Her judging eyes, with a look that said, ''you did this. You destroyed me''. Callie couldn't get that image from her mind. She felt more pain, more guilt, than she had ever felt in her life.
Suddenly, she couldn't breathe. She felt as though she were suffocating; as though her chest would explode. Panic set in.
''Get a crash cart!'' She yelled at Brooks.
Brooks paused for a moment, then ran for a crash cart.
As she returned with one, Bailey appeared and quickly demanded, ''what's going on?''
''I'm dying!'' gasped Callie.
Brooks looked terrified and confused.
''Brooks'', said Bailey, ''get rid of that crash cart''.
Brooks turned away with the crash cart.
''You're not dying'', Bailey said to Callie, ''you're having a panic attack. You've seen this a million times''. She knelt beside her.
''It….feels….like….i'm….dying'' replied Callie, gasping for air.
She slowly calmed herself, breathing more slowly. Eventually, she began to breathe normally and her chest loosened.
''It feels like I'm dying'', she repeated, before bursting into uncontrollable sobbing.