Arizona walked through the door of the apartment with Sofia in her arms. She carefully placed her down and encouraged her to 'go play'. Callie looked up and opened her mouth to say 'hey', but Arizona stopped her.
''No, Calliope, no. you don't get to speak this time,'' she started, tears pouring down her face as she struggled and failed to hold them back, ''you don't get to act like this is just about you. You don't get to tell me how much having me in your life hurts you. You don't get to tell me how awful I am. Because I know, Calliope, I know how awful I am. You think I broke that promise because I don't care; because I didn't trust you to get better on your own. Well, I didn't. I broke that promise because I know that my being around hurts you. How was I supposed to say that I would take you home, that I would look after you, when all I would do would be to make it worse. Just through existing. I couldn't hurt you any more, I couldn't. I love you and-''
''you put me in that psych ward and you didn't look back''. They were both crying now.
''I wanted to. I wanted to come back, every day. I wanted to stay there with you; I didn't want to ever leave, but you told me to go. You told me that I was destroying you-''
''You were, Arizona, you were destroying me. You're still destroying me because you don't care that you-''
''My god! How can you say that? how can you say I don't care? I've never cared about anything more in my life! Do you think this has been easy? Do you-''
''Do you think it's been easy for me? Do you think it was easy being a prisoner in my own hospital? Do you think it's easy having everyone look at you like you're crazy? Do you think it's easy when your wife sleeps with someone else after spending months, months-''
''it wasn't about you! All those months, all those months I knew I was letting you down. All those months I tried to be the person you fell in love with. I tried to be better straight away because I know you. I know you're a good person. I know you would have stayed with me and acted like everything was ok because you don't walk away, you don't. And I didn't want to be the person you were reluctantly married to. I didn't want to be the person you stayed with because you had to. I wanted you to love me and I was scared you wouldn't. I didn't want to lose you; I couldn't lose you.''
''You couldn't lose me?'' Callie scoffed, ''Arizona, you pushed me away. Time and time again, you pushed me away. And I tried, I really did try. I waited for you; I forgave you every time you threw the goddamn plane crash in my face. You think I didn't lose anything? Well, you're wrong. I was scared for my wife, I was scared for my marriage and my best friend freaking died! He died, Arizona. Mark died. And you cheated and you locked me up and I had no-one to turn to because my wife didn't care and my best friend was dead. I was on my own, Arizona. And if you really couldn't stand to hurt me, then where were you? Where were the hell were you?''
''You think I just what? Didn't have the time? Didn't care? What, Callie? You think I just thought 'oh well, I'll write this one off and carry on with life'? I was the last person you saw before you got that bone saw and did what you did. Because of me. Because I told you that you didn't hurt like I did. What did you want, Callie? For me to walk in there and say sorry and expect you to forgive me? I was scared for you. I was scared that if I walked into that room it would hurt you. I was scared that I'd done that to you and…''
''And what? You were scared someone would say it out loud? You were scared to hear someone say it was your fault?''
''no!'' Arizona cried, ''I mean, yes, I'm a coward, I am. But that's not it. I was scared you'd…''
''Scared I'd what? Tell you that sleeping with someone else was bad?''
''Scared you'd done it to hurt me.''
''if you think I would do that,'' said Callie slowly, '' if you really believe I would do that, you're not the person I thought you were. If you really think that you can get the hell out of this goddamn apartment''.
''I didn't think that, Callie, not really. I didn't know what to think. I was scared. Scared to see you in a hospital bed because of me again. Scared that every time I've been around you for the past year, I've lost a little bit more of you; that if I went into that room you'd tell me to walk out of it and not come back. And if you did, I wouldn't be able to fight. I would have nothing to say because I did that to you-''
''you didn't have the right to make that decision. You didn't have the right to turn your back on me. You didn't have the right to decide what I was thinking.''
''I was hurt too, Callie, I was hurt too. You just expect me to be fine, you always expect me to be fine. You think I can just smile and deal with everything you throw my way; everything life throws my way. You think that you can do that to yourself and I'll be calm and rational and I'll fix it. You think you can cut off my leg and I'll be fine-''
''and we're back to the leg-''
''see? You think it's not a big deal. You do it every day and you think you're fixing people. But you're not. You're not fixing people-''
''I save people's lives. I don't expect people to be fine, I don't. But the people I generally save have some perspective, Arizona. Have some goddamn perspective-''
''You have some perspective. You have some. You expected me to wake up and say 'oh, I lost my leg, but that's fine because I'm still alive'. You expect me to be grateful because Mark and Lexie died and I got to live. You think I should see it as a small price to pay for my life-''
''and isn't it?''
''I wake up every day in pain. I feel pain in a leg that isn't there. And every single day that reminds me that it isn't there, and why it isn't there. And I have two choices, Callie. Two. I can remind myself that my leg isn't there because I got on that plane. Because the plane crashed. Because we were there for days. Because nobody knew we were there and nobody came. Because Lexie died, because Mark died. Because nothing will ever be the same. Or I can think that it isn't there because you said to cut it off. And I'm sorry you think I am angry at the wrong person. But you weren't there. You saw a problem and you chose the easiest way to fix it. And you expect me to be fine. You expect me to wake up in the morning and count my blessings that I'm alive, when all I can think about is those woods and how different things are; how different I am''.
''I was there for you every single one of those days''
''You weren't, Callie, you weren't. You tried, I know you tried. But you weren't there. You don't have to see what I see; you don't have to feel what I feel. And you act like you were there, but you weren't. And every day I could see it in your eyes. You wanted me to be fine, but I wasn't. I'm not fine. Nothing is fine, Callie.''
With that, Arizona left the apartment. Callie had no idea where she intended go, or what she intended to do. She wanted to shout after her, but couldn't bring herself to do it. She felt like a lot had been said, but not enough. She was torn between hating Arizona and hating herself.
She sunk down into the sofa and continued to let the tears fall down her face, wondering how things had become the way they had.