A series of conversations between Lestrade, Sherlock and John as they compare themselves and those around them to characters from other works of fiction. With occasional appearance from other characters. The first line is always by Lestrade, or someone with that last name!
For Belldare who asked for Twilight, and for all of you who supported that choice, here it is!
I owe my dear sister a huge thankyou. This chapter is a collaboration between us, she supplied Kallie and Mycroft's lines. I'm sorry for the delay, my sis got stage fright and writer's block at the same time! All the analogies are hers, since she's a hard core Twi-heart, and I'm practically Twignorant! :D
I do not own any of the characters of BBC Sherlock, or any of the literal works mentioned in these stories.
At a crime scene in an alley behind the café
"So, Sherlock, what do you think about the vampire victim here?"
"It's obviously not done by a vampire Lestrade."
"Yeah, vampires tend to drink the blood of the victim, not let it drain down their clothes."
"Well, John, that wasn't-" Sherlock tried to interject.
"Besides, look at the bruises, they show a struggle happened while the victim and the murderer were facing each other, a vampire grabs its targets from the back." John continued eagerly.
"His."
"Oh, the size of the hand indicated by the bruise, thanks Sherlock. In addition, the vampire's speed would have made the need for a struggle quite unnecessary."
"But John, I was going to point out that the distance of the holes showed it was made by false vampire teeth, and that the angle of the entry wound suggest that the weapon was pushed in by hand, not by biting." Sherlock managed to cut in.
"Yes, well, that was much faster." John said lamely.
"But your analysis was quite good; you just got carried away with the attributes assigned to vampires in literature." Sherlock said with a soothing tone.
"Okay, that was officially weird." Greg finally managed to say after succeeding in gathering his jaw from the floor. "But why would someone go through all this trouble to make it look like a vampire attack?"
"I'm guessing he was a fan of vampires." John hazarded.
"Yes well, that's rather obvious, but why now? What has caused him to make these fairly elaborate preparations?" Sherlock mused.
"I bet it's a movie. It's always the buzz made over a cult related movie that makes these nutters go and do crazy stuff such as this. Remember that Death-Eater imitation case?" John ranted.
"The one which they carved 'mud blood' out in the arm of the victim after they had suffocated her with poisonous gas?" Greg said with a shudder.
"Exactly, it was right after "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part one" was released." John said exasperated.
"And the victim with a laser whole burned through them was after the new Star Trek movie." Sherlock supplied. "We need to find out what popular vampire movie has recently been released, then we have to find the man matching the killers description who has a girlfriend who's a fan of that movie."
"How do you know the killer's not a fan?"
"The method of the killing indicates a warning. Who would take this kind of warning seriously? A fan of vampire fictions, but why does this person need such a vicious warning? Because they were infidel. The evidence from the struggle you spotted suggests that the victim was 'the other man' and was having an affair with the killer's partner." Sherlock said in a single breath.
"What makes you think the partner is a female? There are vampire movies with hard core male fans as well." John told him.
"This is getting nowhere. We need to find the movie first." Sherlock said irritated and headed straight in the café. "Kallie! Your assistance is required for the case!" He called across the café.
"Couldn't you have searched it?" Greg asked a bit annoyed.
"This is much faster." Sherlock replied.
"Really? Yes! This is so exciting, I can't believe it. What can I do?" Kallie went on excitedly while bounding over to the door.
"You are a fan of vampire fiction, correct?" Sherlock asked her.
"Oh my gosh! You remember that? I can't believe it! Yes, of course I am. What series do you want to know about?"
"How many series do you follow Kallie?" Greg asked incredulously before he could stop himself.
"Let me see, there is The Vampire Diaries and then there is True Blood, and I just started Secret Circle, that's a good one, and-" As Kallie went on with her list, Sherlock began to bristle. He was on the brink of exploding when John sprang into action.
"Which vampire movie is making the most buzz right now?" John interjected, feigning interest.
"Twilight, Breaking Dawn part two. It's so exciting, I can't wait to go and see it this weekend with my friends."
"Are you a die-hard fan of Twilight Kallie?" John pressed on.
"I'm a big fan, but not hard core. A Twi-heart would go and buy all the books in hard cover, not to mention they'd buy all the companions to the movies and everything else by Stepheneie Meyer. They would have devoured all of them by now as well." Kallie replied.
"Alright, but would they have anything physical to show they're a fan? You know, a ring or something, like a Lord of the rings fan." John prodded on.
"Well, Twilight hasn't exactly reached cult states; it's still a part of the Vampire cult. But, there are a few stores that specialize in making some of the items in the movie." Kallie got her mobile phone out and fiddled with it a bit, then she showed the screen to the other three, "Something like this, the Cullen family's crest. It's made from sterling silver and costs quite a bit. I was saving for it, but then the price sky rocketed and I figured I'd just go and buy a book marker with the knock-off charm. Like the Lord of the rings book markers." Kallie chattered on.
John glanced at Sherlock, observing that he had forgotten his annoyance and had begun texting.
*Ping*
"Sherlock, why have you texted me? I'm standing right here!" Greg asked exasperated.
"This way you have the information in hand without the annoyance of you having to interrupt me numerous times to get all the details down. Forward the instructions to Donovan so that she can start the investigations."
"You should do this more often." Greg said delightedly.
"Ha! You wish! I did it because I felt like it. It was just this once." Sherlock said briskly then he paused, "Now why did that sound so familiar?"
*Ping*
-How's it going with you and Edward? ;) Harry
John checked his phone, snorted, shook his head and put it back in his pocket.
"Was it Mycroft, sticking his nose in our business again?" Sherlock asked irritated.
"No, it was Harry. She called you Edward."
"Who's Edward?" Sherlock was confused.
"He is so not Edward!" Kallie said indignantly.
"I guess I need a crash course in Twilight, I have no idea what you people are talking about." Greg complained. He turned to John expectedly.
"Don't look at me. I just saw some of the movies with Harry."
"And some spoof videos on the net." Sherlock interjected.
"Which I'm sure you saw on my laptop." John said with a smirk.
"Obviously, I wanted to see what the reason behind your laughing was." Sherlock defended, "It's still a mystery to me." He muttered.
"You've had to have seen the movie to get why the big hair and the voice over explanations were funny." John replied. "You're impossibly fast. And strong. Your skin is pale white, and ice cold." John said with an exaggerated dramatic air.
"Oh, that movie!" Greg exclaimed, "Well, you do have pale skin and bushy dark hair like that kid in the movie."
"But he's not super strong nor ice cold." John opposed.
"I'm strong!" Sherlock protested.
"Ya, but not extraordinarily so. Remember the Golem?" John replied. "Does that make me a vampire?" he said with a grin.
"You're missing the cold and pale parts, and you're not that fast." Sherlock retorted.
"I keep up with you!" John complained.
"Barely." Sherlock said with a smirk.
"And didn't Edward compose music on the piano? Sherlock composes on his violin." Greg pressed on.
"Edward was composing for Bella. It was so sentimental with all of that 'oh Bella, you're my inspiration, I can't live without you!' And he wrote just that one song in the movie." Kallie argued.
"The only time I saw Sherlock use that tone was when he was acting it." John said abhorred.
"Yeah, Edward is all about sentiment. He's like, crying for the fallen leaves in autumn, and, brooding because I can't get the hang of my own personality, that sort of vibe." Kallie continued.
"I believe the accurate teenage terminology for that bit of description would be Barf!" Sherlock deadpanned.
"Dido on that!" John concurred.
"I can't even picture you in any other mode than your cool and logical self." Greg said.
"Although he does show consideration about the people he cares about, but he's not the world peace advocating kind of guy." John amended.
"Hmm, just like Jasper." Kallie mused.
"Who?" all three men asked in unison.
"Jasper, you know, that quite guy who hangs around with Alice? Tall guy with blond hair?" Kallie explained.
"You can't exactly use quite as a description for Sherlock." John said, "Unless you can provide a better argument, I'd have to disagree with you on that."
"You're on Dr. John! Okay, so, according to the books, Jasper is the tallest in the clan. He cuts an imposing figure. He was a Major in the civil war at a young age, so he's precautious. He's cool and calculating, very logical, and skilled in fighting. He has the ability to control people's moods. He's not afraid to go to extremes in order to get the job done. He is pretty detached and the only person he really pays attention to is Alice."
"That rings so true! The only person Sherlock pays any real attention to is John!" Lestrade said with a snicker. "So who's Alice?"
"She's a petite girl with short dark hair and the ability to predict the future. She's very friendly and she's got a bubbly personality."
"Except for the bubbly part, the rest fits you perfectly John." Sherlock said with amusement.
"What? None of that except for the friendly part matched me!" John said frustrated.
"Let's check the list one more time, shall we? Petite-" Sherlock began.
"I'm average, not petite!"
"Short spiky hair."
"My hair's not spiky!" John blurted out while trying to smooth the hair on the back of his head.
"Predicting the future."
"Okay, that is complete bull. If I had any prediction powers, I would have made a fortune in the stock market and prevented all the murders you solve." John said with a tone of finality.
"You can predict when one of my experiments is going to explode, or when I'm going to fall ill or collapse." Sherlock countered.
"That's because I'm a doctor, I can see the symptoms of illness. Also, I've passed chemistry courses in medical school, so I can see when one of your concoctions is going to blow up." John retorted while folding his arms over his chest.
"Got it! Carlisle is a good fit for you. He's a skilled doctor, like you. He's even tempered and has strong morals, he knows how to make compromises. He's like the conscience of the Collins clan."
"How're his fighting skills?" John asked.
"Pretty good. Though, he won't fight until it's absolutely necessary. He's more of a mollifier most of the times, trying to calm every one down." Kallie went on.
"Yeah, that's John alright!" Greg concurred.
Just then Lestrade's mobile phone began to ring. He answered it and was assaulted by Sally Donovan's harsh voice coming from the other side. Lestrade rolled his eyes at his Sargent's ranting, but did not admonish her with anything more severe. He put his phone back in his pocket when the DS terminated the call.
"Apparently Sally is not a Twilight fan." Greg informed the group with a sigh.
"She has such a lovely temper; it's quite, shall I say, wolfish!" John said wryly.
"Like Leah, she's the female werewolf in the second book, New Moon; she's bitter and has one of the foulest of tempers. Her love life is pretty messed up. She and Sam were together, but then Sam imprinted on Emily, so then he left Leah. Then Leah turned into a werewolf, so she's frozen in that state, and she's stuck as a werewolf for all eternity, so it's no wonder she's so pissed." Kallie said in one breath.
"Okay…you need to translate that into normal English for us." Lestrade told his niece.
"She got dumped by her boyfriend for another girl, and she's stuck in a supernatural sate that won't allow her to be with anyone." Kallie summarized.
"That's really depressing!" John said with sympathy.
"I know, it's so unfair!" Kallie ranted.
"Can we get back to the case please?" Greg interrupted the sympathy fair.
"I would love to comply," Sherlock began.
"But until dear Leah provides us with more information, we're stuck in the Twi-heart zone here!" John quipped.
"I hope you're not thinking of making a snack out of that pretty brunet over there Major." Greg directed at Sherlock. He was rewarded with a withering glare but Greg seemed unfazed. "You seem to be eyeing her up Sherlock, be careful not to bite her in public."
"Very amusing Lestrade." Sherlock said dryly.
"Well, Uncle, based on the evidence provided thus far, you're the one we should worry about. You seem to have endless patience, you can put up with Sherlock and Donovan's constant bickering, you don't make the best jokes, and nothing seems to ever bother you. You are so like Emmett."
"That guy with dark curly hair and athletic build? He was amusing, and Harry would have crushed on him if she wasn't more interested in Rosalie." John supplied.
"Do the vampires have a government as well?" Sherlock suddenly asked.
"Like da, every community has a government, not that you care." Kallie said saucily, "Why the sudden interest?"
"I was wondering who'd fit Mycroft." Sherlock replied casually.
"Easy, Aro. He makes it his business to know everything. He's got nice manners and can extract information straight from your head." Kallie said cheerfully.
-For once brother, that analogy fits. M
Sherlock rolled his eyes at the text. "Does he keep spying on everyone?"
-You're not everyone. Don't flatter yourself! M
"What, he's worried you'd expose yourself?" Kallie joked.
"He's already done that in Buckingham palace." John said nonchalantly.
Lestrade's phone rang again. He picked it up and listened to Donovan on the other side. After the call ended, he turned to the others. "They identified the killer."
John sprang to his feet, "Let's go catch that bloodsucker!"
I can't believe I made it to chapter 20! Right now this story has had 118 reviews and over 9000 readers, I'm over joyed! Thank you so much, thank you to every one who has read, reviewed, faved and alerted this story. I take requests!
I was watching the movie with my sister after the initial analogies were made, and I felt like sharing my reactions here with you!
Spoilers for Breaking Dawn part two:
(Near the end the Cullens and the Volturi start a battle.)
Arty: Finally, some action!
Sis: I don't remember that part in the books.
Arty: Oh well, you know how *Carlisle is killed* WHAT? No! No, you do not get to kill Carlisle, I won't have- *Jasper is Killed* NOOOOOO! How dare you!
Sis: Calm down sis, I bet it's just a-
Arty: *screaming when Emmett is attacked*
Sis: Since when do you care about the Twilight characters so much?
Arty: Since you made the Sherlock analogies. They killed off Leah! What the…?
Sis: Ha! Told you it was a prediction. None of it happened, they're all okay.
Arty: *Slumped in relief*