December 4

It's December 4, 2012 and I love you and I miss you. But the date doesn't matter, because it could be June 17, 2030 and I would still love you and I would still miss you.

December 5

Fuck, I miss you.

December 7

Christmas is coming up and it's your absolute favorite holiday, or at least it was. I don't want to spend Christmas this year with my family, I want to spend it with you. But you're not here. I was thinking of asking Burt if I could go over there for the day, because it's as close to you as I'll get, but I don't know. Things are sometimes awkward there, but I miss Carole and Burt.

December 10

My parents aren't gonna be home for Christmas this year. I'm glad. I still haven't asked Burt if I can come, but I know I will. If I don't I'll be spending Christmas by myself, and no one should be alone on Christmas. You told me that.

December 12

I forgot that I pre-ordered your Christmas gift for this year. It arrived this morning. It's a silver chain with a heart pendant on it. I had our date inscribed on it. I saw it at the jewelry store downtown and I immediately thought of you. I can picture you rolling your eyes at me right now, but don't worry. It wasn't too expensive, and you deserve all the things money can buy anyways. You're not here for me to give it to, though, so I don't know what to do with it.

December 16

We had the first snowfall of the year today. I sat out on the roof and watched it fall in the street, and all I could think about was last December, that day we walked to the Lima Bean and it started snowing on our way back. Everything about that walk back was perfect; the way you giggled when the snow landed on your nose, the way you tilted your head back to catch the snow flakes on your tongue, the way you grabbed my hand and ran down the street spinning in circles. It's the moments like those that I miss the most. You don't really think much about the little things until you don't have them anymore.

December 19

I wish to god I could see your eyes. They were amazing, you know. They were the perfect blend of blue and green and they were absolutely stunning. I could've stared into them all day long if you'd let me. I miss the way they used to light up when you talked about the things you loved, like Glee Club and singing, and Burt. Those eyes always held so much emotion, and I was always able to look into them and know exactly what you were feeling, even if you didn't tell me.

December 20

I called Burt today, but Carole picked up. She said I could come over, of course, that I was always welcome there. She knows how my parents are anyways. You told her, didn't you? Anyways, I passed my exams. I'll be graduating, as long as I keep my grades where they are now. That shouldn't be a problem, though. I've been throwing myself into everything I do now, school, music, boxing. Anything to keep myself from missing you. It works for the most part. It makes it so that I can't think about anything except what I'm doing at the moment. It's the worst at night, though. Especially at night. There's nothing for me to focus on, nothing to take my mind away from it and all I can think about is that fact that you're gone. You're still gonna be gone when I wake up in the morning and you're still gonna be gone when I go to sleep the next night. I haven't cried in a while and I'm starting to think maybe I can't anymore, that it's physically impossible for me to cry anymore. Is this how you felt when your mom died? It's awful. I'm sorry you ever went through the hell that I am right now.

December 22

Mom and Dad left for California today. They're going to spend the holidays with Cooper. I'm not surprised, though. They've missed him. I have too. They asked me if I wanted to go, but I said no.

"I'm spending Christmas with the Hummels," I said. My mom just looked at me with a hint of pity in her eyes and my dad just nodded. I've been spending a lot of my time on the roof. Sometimes on the nights when I can't sleep I climb out there and lay down, even when it's below freezing out. I just lay there and look at the stars and wonder if you can still see me from where you are. If you're watching, can you send me a sign? Something to let me know you're still here.

December 25

Do you remember that playlist you made me on my iPod? It's still there. I listen to it sometimes, but not a lot because it reminds me too much of you. I was listening to it today on the way over to Burt's and it landed on 'Baby It's Cold Outside.' I couldn't help but smile because I remembered the time before we got together that we sung it together in the lounge room at Dalton. You sounded amazing, singing that. I meant what I said about no female being able to sing it better than you. You had the most amazing voice. It made me melt every time I heard it. I just wish I could hear you sing one more time. Dinner was actually enjoyable. It was the happiest I've been since September, and it was because I was with your family. It wasn't awkward, and we spent a lot of the day talking about you, believe it or not. We just talked about all of the memories we had with you, and Burt told us about when you were a little boy. He showed me some pictures, too. You were so adorable. Then we opened presents. Well, Finn, Burt, and Carole opened presents. I watched. I didn't mind, though. I don't like presents, you know that. But when Burt handed me the little box with my name on it I was shocked. And then I saw your writing on it and I swear I could have started crying right there. I don't know, something about your tiny writing and the fact that there was something left of you.. I don't know. But the bracelet is beautiful, Kurt. Thank you, I love it. The way you had 'I'll never say goodbye.' inscribed on the inside actually did make me start crying. I know what I'm gonna do with the necklace I bought you. I'll wear it, along with the bracelet. It seems like the right thing to do. And I'm never taking the bracelet off, not if it means a piece of you will still be with me. Call me a silly romantic, but I'm serious. Anyway, Christmas with the Hummels was great. I just wish you could've been here to spend it with us. All of us; we miss you so much. I love you. Merry Christmas, Kurt.

December 31

It's a few minutes til New Years. My parents are still in Cali and I'm home alone. Burt invited me to come spend New Years with them, but I decided to stay home. I can only be around them a little at a time, you know? I'm not used to going there without being able to see you. And that look of being tired and sad all the time won't leave Burt's face. It's been 4 months and I still don't think he's sleeping well. I haven't been. I think Finn's doing a little better though. He's angry a lot of the time. I think it's because he feels like he should have done more. He should have stood up for you more, he should have confronted Karofsky and all the others. He did enough, though. I wish he could see that. Because he blames himself, but it wasn't his fault. Even I know that. It wasn't any of our faults and part of me thinks that's a little worse. Because now we don't know who's fault it is and we have all this anger but no one to aim it at. Finn uses his anger for football. He's been playing so much better and I think that has a lot to do with it. He gets to go out on the field and truck the shit out people he doesn't know. I've taken up boxing again, so I know how it feels. It helps a ton.