January 1

It's not really a Happy New Year. I wish you were still here because I remember how much you loved to watch the ball drop on TV, and then right after that your dad would pull you into a big hug and whisper 'happy New Year, kiddo," in your ear. And I remember specifically last year, when I spent New Years with you and you ran onto my roof to watch the fireworks. We sat out there for hours, just watching the fireworks. And then when they were over we just sat and talked and kissed and it was perfect. Do you remember that? Wherever you are, I hope you're able to remember these things the way I do.

January 3

It's my mom's birthday. I called her and told her happy birthday, but they won't be back for another 2 days so I'm still here by myself. I like being alone, though. I used to like to spend my free time (when I wasn't with you) hanging out with Wes and David, or Mike and Puck and sometimes Finn, but now I prefer to be alone. Hanging out with the Glee kids hits too close to home; they were your friends first anyways. Without you around it just feels kind of awkward, like I don't have a place there. Plus all they ever do now is look at me like I'm about to break.. It's annoying and kind of upsetting. I just can't handle being around all of them. They miss you. We all do.

January 5

My parents landed today. I went to pick them up at the airport a few hours ago, actually. They said they had a good time, and that Coop misses me. They said he's doing well and his apartment is nice. That's good, I guess. I'm glad someone's happy. My mom was really tired so she went to go lay down, but my dad asked me if we could talk so we went to the living room. You probably know how much I was freaking out inside, my dad never wants to talk. At first he just asked me what I was planning on doing after this year. We're seniors, anyway. He asked what colleges I applied to and what I wanted to major in. I was gonna tell him NYADA, but.. Would I still go there? Without you? I honestly don't know. I told him I was thinking of majoring in journalism. That's what you thought I should do. I think I could see myself doing that. Maybe. Anyway, then he asked me how I was doing. I said okay; what the hell was I supposed to say? "My boyfriend killed himself four months ago, I miss him like crazy and I feel like crying or sleeping all the time?" I couldn't tell him that. So I just said I'm okay. I like to think I will be, eventually.

January 9

The days go by so slow and they just drag on. I feel like I'm not moving anywhere; I'm still in the same spot I was 4 months ago. I don't want to eat or write (besides when I write these); I don't even go to Glee anymore. I haven't sang in 4 months and 5 days. Not since the day I got that call. I still don't know why you did what you did and I don't know if I'll ever know. I can't get you back but I wish I could at least know why.

January 11

I listened to that playlist you made again today. 'Let It Snow' started playing while I was walking to the bus stop and I had to stop for a minute and lean against the wall. You remember when we sang that together? I do. I remember everything we ever did together. That was one of my favorites. It was one of yours too.

January 12

It's been snowing here a lot lately. Every time it does I think about that time last December. You were so beautiful that day; so carefree and perfect. You seemed so happy then. What the hell happened to you, Kurt?

January 15

I walked to your house today. It's only two blocks from mine but it seemed so much longer by foot. And the last time I went there by foot was the day I got that call. Plus it was cold and snowing and I could see my breath whenever I exhaled. I just wanted to see Burt. Check in on him and Carole and Finn, see how they're doing. They've had your family members coming and going since the holidays, since it's their first without you. I don't know how Burt's managed to deal with all of that. I would've screamed at all of them until they left me the hell alone. But Burt's not like that, and if he felt that way he didn't hint at it. When I got there your Aunt Karen and Uncle Henry were there. I remember meeting them that one time two summers ago at a cook out or something. It was before we started dating. They were there for an hour or so after I go there but then they left and Carole took Finn with her to the grocery store so it was just me and Burt. We were sitting in the living room when he started talking.

"How are you, kid?" The way he said 'kid' made my heart hurt a little because it sounded like he wanted to say 'kiddo', because that's what he called you.

"I'm okay," He obviously knew I was lying but he didn't push it because he knew if I had asked him the same question he would've said the same thing; that he was okay.

"I cleaned out his room today." When he said this I noticed for the first time that he doesn't say your name anymore. Maybe it hurts too much to try. I didn't say anything, so he kept talking."I found some stuff you might want." That's when I noticed the cardboard box sitting on the floor in front of the couch. He handed it to me and I remember thinking for a fraction of a second that he wanted me to go through it all right there, but I know Burt better than that. He would never make me do something so personal in front of him. It's now 10:34pm, the box is sitting across from me on my bed while I write this and I still haven't touched it yet. I don't know when I will, or if I can.

January 22

A week. It's been a week since Burt gave me that box and it's still sitting in the exact spot I left it that day. I haven't opened it yet because I'm scared. I'm scared to open that box because it's been four months since you left me and it still hurts. God, it hurts so fucking much Kurt. It doesn't hurt as much as it did before, but I'm afraid that if I open that box it'll hurt just as much as it did those first two months.

January 27

I saw Finn after school today. I stayed after school for a few hours to use the punching bag in the locker room and he was in there after football practice. It was weird, because when I found him it was an hour after practice had already ended but he was still there, sitting on the bench with his back against the lockers. He had his shoulder pads and everything on still and he was just sitting there, staring at the lockers in front of him. I sat down next to him but we didn't talk for a long time. When we did, he said one thing.

"I miss him." And then he was crying, he was crying so fucking hard and I didn't know what the hell to do because no one ever cried in front of me except for you. But he wasn't you and I couldn't comfort him like I comforted you. We sat there for a really long time, even after he stopped crying. "I know," I said. "I miss him too."

January 31

The box is haunting me. It's still just sitting there and I don't want to open it. I don't know if I can yet. I want to, but in a way it kind of feels like if I empty out that box it'll make everything final. Like emptying out that box full of reminders of our two year relationship will prove to me that this is it; it's really over. And I don't think I'm ready for that yet.