Title: Until We Reach Valinor
Chapter 19: Act of Necessity
WARNING: Sexual content, in this chapter, not graphic of course, but it's still there.
…
"You know, that wife of yours is really quite remarkable," Aragorn remarked conversationally during an evening walk around the school grounds.
"Oh, so she finally worked up the courage to tell you of her passion for Numenorean Literature," Legolas concluded with amusement, "It took her long enough. I was beginning to think she'd lost her nerve."
"What do you mean?' Aragorn asked, confused.
"She holds your work in the highest esteem," Legolas explained, "She said she would sound like a novice airing her views to you, considering the superiority of your own contributions."
"Sound like a novice?!" Aragorn exclaimed incredulously, "But I've never met anyone who was better informed on the subject in my life! And did you know she writes poetry as well?"
"She does?" Legolas said, taken by her surprise. He would never have guessed that Alanna had a streak of creativity under all her eccentricities.
"Yes, and she's extremely good at it," Aragorn replied, his tone showing his admiration for her work, "She kept insisting that her work is nothing compared to mine, but I thought she was merely being polite. The truth is; her work is leagues ahead of mine, especially in terms of scansion and rhyming. She also uses very original combinations of modifiers; I've never read such analogies before. And that's not to mention the fact that she's invented her very own verse form; rhymed sestets. It's so difficult to get a quatrain to rhyme properly, and she's able to do it with sestets! And she thinks she's nothing compared to me."
Legolas could do nothing but stare in amazement. He had understood very little of what Aragorn had said, filled as it was with literary jargon which, but he had gathered that his friend considered Alanna to be something of a literary genius. "Eru," He breathed, shocked as he realized the true extent of her self-depreciation, "She really has no idea how grossly she underestimates herself. She has absolutely no sense of self-worth." He shook his head musingly, "I suppose it comes from her having no human contact for the first two thousand years of her life. No one to appreciate her or her work or to tell her how good she was. It would certaintly explain her lack of self-confidence."
"Two thousand?" Aragorn said slowly, "I thought…hasn't she lived alone all her life, for three thousand years? Isn't that what you said in your letter?" When Legolas did not answer immediately, his eyes widened in realization. "Oh, Valar," He breathed, horrified, "She…her poems, she started writing them a thousand years ago…"
"Aragorn…?"
"She was in love with someone, wasn't she," Aragorn continued, and Legolas's eyes widened in surprise, "Someone who she met one thousand years ago, who died three hundred years ago...but she told you about it? Why? Why would she want you to know?"
Legolas was staring at his friend in shock. "How…how could you know that?" He sputtered incoherently.
"Her poetry," Aragorn explained, "She only started writing a thousand years ago. Her first few poems were about loneliness, then there was a series of prose pieces with an existential theme, where she appeared to be questioning her sense of self, then she wrote about companionship and love and marriage, and last of all poems about death…those were the most poignant and heartbreaking of the entire collection. I didn't realize what it meant until you let slip that bit about two thousand years."
"Do you mean to tell me," Legolas asked incredulously, "That you inferred all of that just from reading her poetry?"
"Well, yes," Aragorn answered, matter-of-factly, "If you ever wanted to understand your wife, all you'd have to do is read those poems. They're a reflection of everything she's ever felt in her life which was of any import to her at all. A bit like a diary, or a journal. I don't think she realizes how much of herself she puts in them, or she would never have shown them to me or anyone else." He paused and looked at his friend. "Legolas, what are you doing? Why are you married to someone who is still clearly in love with someone else, especially when you knew about it beforehand? You know you can never hope for a relationship with her when…"
"Aragorn, even if I wanted a relationship with her, which I don't, I couldn't have one," Legolas interrupted him. "We had an agreement. She told me about Rilian on our first meeting. She said she met him a thousand years ago, and that he affected her life profoundly, that she wouldn't be the person she is today if it wasn't for him. I understand they were engaged before he was killed in a skirmish with some orcs. She still loves him and always will, she told me in so many words. She also told me she could only marry me on one condition; that I agree to sever all marital ties with her when we sail to Valinor. She said Rilian would be waiting for her and that she would not, could not disappoint him. I agreed to her conditions willingly, because I wasn't too ecstatic about the prospect of a lifelong commitment to a perfect stranger either. The arrangement was perfectly mutual and suits both of our needs very well."
"But if she was in love with Rilian, why didn't she just sail after his death? She doesn't have very much to live for here, does she?"
"Her mother made her nurse promise to take care of her and see her happily married, and my mother made my father promise the exact same thing to her. My mother and hers were apparently very good friends. Alanna is an honorable woman who doesn't want to push the burden of a broken promise onto her nurse or on my father. Not to mention she herself feels duty-bound to fulfill her mother's wishes."
"But Legolas, how could you have agreed to those conditions?" Aragorn asked in a mixture of exasperation and dismay, "What if you fall in love with her? And have you considered that she will need to provide you with an heir? She will feel like she's betraying her love by becoming intimate with you! How can she live with that? How can you both live with transforming an act of boundless love into an act of compulsion, of necessity?"
"Don't you think we discussed all that already?" Legolas asked in unveiled exasperation, "She said it was a sacrifice she was willing to make, and so am I. And," he added before his friend could interrupt again, "As for my falling in love with her, you know I never will. I'm not made for that kind of love."
"Not made- Legolas, how can you even say that?!" Aragorn exclaimed with frightening intensity, "Everyone is made for that kind of love! And you are an Elf; you'll live for all eternity, so sooner or later, love will enter your life, and then what will you do?"
"Aragorn, I am sick and tired of you and Alanna airing those idealistic views when it helps no one and nothing!" Legolas exclaimed angrily. "If love enters my life while I am still married, I will simply turn my back on it and walk away. Even if, as I know you think, I will never be able to, and never should forget my love completely, I will do it because my duty to Alanna requires it of me. There is nothing you or I or Alanna can do to change this situation, so please stop arguing with me about it. There is no point"
A long pause followed this statement. Aragorn felt suddenly ashamed for forcing his opinion upon Legolas; he wasn't being very supportive. He knew Legolas was right; there really was no point in discussing what-ifs and might-have-been's when his friend was already married. For the first time, he realized how lucky he was to be married to Arwen. How blessed he was to be in a relationship which had no uncertainties, where both he and his wife knew exactly what was expected of them, and exactly what their marriage required of them. Legolas was completely lost in this respect. He didn't know what sort of relationship he should, or even could, have with Alanna. How close should he get to her? Exactly what behavior was acceptable and what wasn't? Should he be striving for a friendship? And then he realized the real motive behind Legolas's plea for help in his letter. Not, as he had implied, because he didn't know what to make of Alanna, because he was fairly sure by now that Legolas understood her well enough to get on with. What Legolas needed was to determine exactly what a marriage under these conditions meant for him. And, he thought guiltily, I havent helped him figure that out at all. He sighed deeply.
"You're right," He told his friend. Legolas' eyebrows shot up at how quickly the man had acquiesced. "I'm sorry I pushed so hard. I know I shouldn't judge your marriage on the terms I judge mine with because our situations are very different. I know I haven't been too supportive lately, and for that I'm sorry." He paused to allow this to sink in before continuing. "From now onward, anything you need to ask me, you can come to me, and I promise I will bear in mind the conditions of your marriage when I give you my advice."
A profound look of relief crossed Legolas's face before it was disguised in a display of feigned disbelief. "Well," He drawled, "That was quick. I was expecting it to take the entire year to get you to come around."
"Oh, don't exaggerate," Aragorn returned, "Give me some credit; I'm not all that stubborn."
Legolas scoffed at him but neither was in the mood to continue bantering so they lapsed into a companionable silence, each preoccupied with his own thoughts during the remainder of the walk. At length, Aragorn registered the position of the sun and exclaimed, "Valar, it's getting late! Our wives are going to be furious if we're late for tea!"
"Yours will," Legolas replied, "Mine will probably be lost in the library again. I swear she would forget to come for her meals if I didn't remind her." Aragorn laughed, and Legolas was suddenly conscious of how frightfully domestic their conversation had become. Never in a million years would he have imagined that there would come a time when he and his friend would complain about their wives to each other, and yet here they were. Oh well, He thought, stranger things have happened. They walked back to the school and he excused himself and went to seek for Alanna in the library.
…
Some hours later, Legolas was sitting in the study and researching some of Greenwood 's legislation so that he could determine the appropriate action to be taken to solve a property dispute between two Lords of his court, when he was interrupted by a knock at the door.
"Come in," He called absently, guessing it was his majordomo come with more books, but when the door opened, the candlelight revealed his wife standing in the doorway looking unaccountably nervous.
"Alanna?" He asked, a little alarmed by her pale countenance and trembling hands. "Are you well?"
"Yes, of course," She said, sitting down opposite him. Her rigid posture and the way she fidgeted anxiously with the buttons of her blouse did nothing to convince him. He waited for her to speak and when she didn't for a long moment, asked in a tone he hoped was reassuring and friendly enough to put her at her ease, "Alanna, you didn't come here to help me with this research did you? What's wrong?"
"I…" She began, but her voice squeaked in either nervousness or embarrassment so she had to try again. "I wanted to talk to you about…you know." At his blank look, she tried again, blushing furiously at the words, "I wanted to speak with you about what was supposed to happen on our wedding night. What we still have to, you know,-" she gestured vaguely in the air- "do."
Oh. That. For a long moment he just stared at her, shock and embarrassment robbing his ability to speak. Then finally, he managed a raspy, "Yes…?" He cleared his throat. "Right. Well, what about…it?" It? It? What am I, a teenager? Pull yourself together, Legolas.
"We have to," Alanna said, again gesticulating wildly, her face growing redder still, "…you know…some time or the other. And…" Her voice trailed off.
"Alanna, are you saying that you want to…do that… sometime soon?" Please let me have gotten it wrong. Please.
"Yes, I …I mean, I obviously don't want it, but…" She trailed off again, visibly flustered. He waited patiently for her to continue. "Elves," She said abruptly, changing the subjects, "unlike humans, are very familiar with the way their bodies work because they live with their bodies for so long." She paused, fidgeting slightly and then told him. "What She-Elfs have come to understand which human women have not is that we are more likely to conceive at certain times of the months than others."
"….?"
"Legolas, what Im trying to say is that there are days on which women can conceive and certain days on which they cannot and today…is one of the days I can."
His eyes widened almost comically as he realized what she was trying to say. "You mean you want to…" He gestured helplessly, "…tonight?!"
"Neither of us wants to do this, but we have to," She explained in a rush, "We will probably have to do it more than once if we don't conceive the first time or if I do not bear you a son. I just thought that we should do everything in our power to make sure we have to do it as infrequently as possible."
"Oh. Well…alright." After all, what else could he say?
"So…" She paused, fidgeted a little and then asked, mumbling even more than normal, "Tonight, then?"
"Yes," Legolas said, trying not to panic, "Tonight."
…
How they got through the remainder of that evening neither of them could ever recall. Legolas abandoned all attempts at research and spent his time pacing frantically in his study, trying to remember everything his father had ever told him about the act of intercourse, and to wrap his mind around the enormous realization that no matter which way they looked at it, their intimacy tonight would be a final and indisputable consummation of their marriage. At dinner, neither of them was able to look each other in the face; and this, coupled with their inability to speak to each other without either one or of them coloring, was so puzzling to Aragorn and Arwen that the conversation swiftly became stilted and awkward between all four of them.
All the same, in Legolas's opinion, the dinner was over all too quickly. Alanna disappeared into the dressing room the moment they reached their bedchamber, and Legolas quickly changed into his nightshirt and ducked under the covers, determined not to expose himself to her until the last possible moment. When she entered the room, it was wearing petticoats and lace rather than the customary dressing gown. He hastily averted his eyes from her until he knew she was under the bedcovers. There was an awkward silence which stretched on for minutes. At last, Legolas was unable to stand the suspense any longer and resolved instead to get this over as soon as possible. He cleared his throat loudly. When Alanna failed to respond, he said, "I suppose we should…"
Alanna interrupted him, her tone anguished and desperate in sudden denial and panic, "I can't do this. I can't…" She broke off, and in the candlelight he saw tears slide down her cheeks.
He shifted closer to her, knowing it was up to him to reassure her. "We may as well get this over with," He said gently, "I know this must be difficult for you…"
"No!" She interjected with sudden vehemence, "You don't know! This…my first time…it's supposed to be with Rilian, someone I love, not…" She broke off, shaking her head as more tears fell down her cheeks. She swiped at them angrily and took a deep breath before turning to face him. "I know I told you I was ready to make this sacrifice, and I still am. But…"
"Do not think of this as an act of love or of any special meaning at all," Legolas told her, remembering Aragorn's word from that evening, "Think of it as an act of necessity, something that needs to be done so you can give me an heir." He winced at how heartlessly obligatory that sounded, but it was the truth, and no good could come from hiding for it.
"An act of necessity," Alanna repeated in a whisper, distraught.
"Yes," Legolas continued, refusing to let it go now that he had begun, "It means nothing to either of us. It's just one more thing that you have to do so you can be with Rilian, just like all those months of seeing suitor after suitor, or you're agreeing to marry me. You aren't betraying him, in fact, this will only hasten your reunion with him, because you know you cannot sail until you sire me an heir."
There was a long, tense moment while Alanna visibly struggled with herself, but then her face cleared to be replaced by determination. She nodded at him and brushed away her tears resolutely. He sighed in relief, though not for one moment believing that his reasoning, logical as it was, could provide her any comfort or reassurance. She would still feel like she had betrayed her love tomorrow and in years to come, but there was little she or Legolas could do to help it.
"Is there anything…" Legolas began, "anything you would like me to do…or not do?"
She thought for a moment and said almost inaudibly, "Just don't kiss me. Anywhere."
"Of course I wouldn't. You needn't have told me that."
"What about you?" She asked unexpectedly.
"Me?" He asked, taken aback.
"What would you like me to do or not do?"
"Nothing in particular," He responded after a long moment, "Just tell me if I'm hurting you."
"Are you sure there's nothing?"
Now he was the one checking with his feelings, seeing if he was alright. How many more times would they exchange roles tonight? He wondered inanely, before answering, "Yes."
"Alright…" She drew closer to him, and he lay still, suddenly finding himself paralyzed with his own fears and doubts. She led him and first, and when her inhibitions rose to the surface, he overcame his fears and led herSlowly, they fumbled their way through that first night of intimacy, hurting and pleasuring; one moment awkward, the next reluctantly aroused; at once gentle and dispassionate, tender yet meaningless. And slowly, their act of necessity rose to claim them until they were falling endlessly into the dark, unwelcoming, undeniable, inevitable truth of eternally binding consummation.
…
TBC…
And that, folks, was the long-awaited 'wedding night.' What did you think? Was it realistic enough or did my lack of experience in this department (after all, I am the product of a conservative culture and even more prudish parents) show through? I agonized over it for ages; by far the toughest thing I had to write in this story yet!