Title: Until We Reach Valinor

Chapter 20: Not Alone

NOTE: This story is sequel to "A Teacher's Duty" and you'll have to read that one first to understand this. Also, this story does not contain slash, and it is not a romance, despite what the first chapter might suggest.

SPECIAL THANKS to Cassie, for beta-reading my work. And to Kellen for helping me to name Alannna.

DEDICATION: This chapter is dedicated to my beta-reader, Cassie, because she recently lost a good friend and this chapter therefore had special meaning for her. I hope you have someone in your life who will help you through your loss like Legolas does.

In the week that followed that first night of intimacy, Legolas and Alanna avoided each other with one accord. Legolas spent most of his time in the study and Alanna spent hers closeted in the library, both so determined not to run into each other that they almost ceased to walk around the palace for fear of bumping into each other. Aragorn and Arwen were both perplexed by their behavior, especially at the mealtimes that the four of them shared, which were characterized with awkward and embarrassed silences and Alanna or Legolas coloring every time their gazes met across the table. But by slow degrees they were able to swallow their embarrassment and interact with each other normally again, and life resumed its normal course. Or as normal as could be expected as the couple adjusted to the rigors of married life.

One evening, about three weeks after their wedding, at Arwen's suggestion the four royals set out for a walk around the palace gardens. Predictably, Alanna hung back so she could discuss the literary merits of epic poetry with Aragorn. Arwen, more for the sake of courtesy than because she herself did not share their literary enthusiasm, engaged Legolas in a polite conversation mostly consisting of social pleasantries which he found nearly as unappealing as the other discussion. Therefore he experienced no small relief when they at last turned back as dusk approached. As they came in sight of the main entrance he was only half-listening to what Arwen was telling him, when his sharp eyes trained on a silhouette fumbling with what looked like a set of keys at the front door. The large pack on the person's back made it clear that he had only just arrived. Puzzled, and a little wary, Legolas alerted the others to the man's presence and hurried forward.

He was not far from the palace before the person heard his approach and turned to greet them. Legolas stopped short as he saw who it was, and there was a sharp intake of breath from Aragorn behind them.

"Valar Elano, what in all of arda happened to you?!" He said when he regained his speech, for it was not so much the person, as his appearance, which occasioned their horror.

In the same breath, Aragorn asked from behind him, "Have you been ill?"

In spite of the fact that everyone present knew that it was irrational to suppose that an Elf could have fallen ill, the question was received by all of them as more than justified. Elano's appearance had changed so much since Legolas had last seen him that Legolas felt as if he were looking upon a complete stranger. The Elf had become so painfully thin that neither Legolas nor Aragorn had been able to recognize his form from a distance, which was worrying in itself considering the amount they had interacted with him over the last year. Elano's face was pale and gaunt, and the warmth and natural glow in his eyes had dimmed to be replaced by a look which was distinctly haunted. Dark rings beneath his eyes spoke ominously of sleepless nights.

Legolas's concern for the younger Elf increased when he looked faintly surprised by the vehemence of both questions; for he was clearly unaware of any changes wrought in his appearance himself. "Sir, my Lord," He greeted them, and Legolas noted that even his voice seemed softer and more strained than he remembered, "I am quite well, thank you; merely a little tired from my journey. I assure you that nothing in the world has happened to me."

"But why are you here, not that I'm displeased to see you?" Legolas persisted, "Aren't you supposed to be spending the summer with your mother?"

Elano's face crumpled suddenly at the question and he drew a shuddering breath. His expression was a kaleidoscope of anguish, sorrow and such potent self-loathing that Legolas started in spite of himself. "Let's just say she got tired of my company, shall we?" He muttered in a voice that shook, and then turned abruptly back to the door. "I hope you'll forgive me for using the keys you gave me, sir," He told Legolas over his shoulder. "But I did not know that anyone would be here except for the servants, and I did not want to disturb anyone." He had managed to unlock the door during this speech, and, stepping inside, he held it open for the four people outside, correctly deducing that the two unknown women were also royals by their apparel and the circlets adorning their heads.

Legolas on the other hand, was eyeing him with some surprise, "Elano, what do you mean when you say you didn't know anyone would be here? Haven't you heard that this is our-" He gestured to Alanna to include her in this statement- "permanent home now?"

"Forgive me, sir," He replied, his eyes flicking towards Alanna with obvious confusion, "But I do not even know who this fair Lady is."

"Fair Lady!" Alanna exclaimed in amusement, ignoring or noticing Legolas's reproving look. "Either you are completely blind, or you know exactly who I am and seek to flatter me!" She laughed to show that she was not seriously accusing him of such baseness, but he only seemed to become more confused still by this burst of levity.

"Elano, I have no idea how you cannot have heard of it because it has naturally been the talk of the entirety of Greenwood," Legolas replied, coming to his rescue in spite of his own perplexity. "But this is my wife, and your new Queen, Lady Alanna."

Elano's jaw dropped. "You're…married?!" He choked out, and then his eyes widened further as the implications sunk in, "Wait a minute, Queen? You're…you're the King now! How…" He spluttered incoherently, "What of…your father?"

"My father sailed about three weeks ago," Legolas explained, "I was married and ascended the throne at the end of last month, just before he left." He frowned. "But how could you not know something of such importance?"

Elano blushed. "My home is on the edge of Greenwood , and very isolated, sir, I mean Sire," He said, flushing, "And-" Here his face was once again beclouded by sorrow- "I have been too greatly preoccupied with matters at home these past weeks to attend to anything else."

"Elano, please don't call me Sire," Legolas interjected, "I've been sir to you for all the time you've known me, and will continue to be that as well, to you and the rest of the school. I don't want my becoming King to change that."

"Yes, of course, sir." He turned to Alanna and bowed low, "I apologize for not greeting you with due respect, Your Highness, and hope you will forgive my ignorance. I am Elano Timani, at your service. I am a healer at this school."

"Elano, is it?" Alanna replied amicably, determinedly refusing to acknowledge all the undercurrents in the conversation, much to Legolas's relief. "If you call my husband 'sir', then you can call me 'ma'am," She continued, "Such lofty titles as you would give me do not suit me at all."

"Of course, ma'am," Elano bowed compliantly, and then turned to Legolas. "I hope you will excuse me, sir; I wish to put away my things and refresh myself. It has been a long journey."

"Join us for dinner, Elano; we eat about two hours from now in the room adjoining my chambers," Legolas interposed swiftly before the Elf left. He wanted to observe him more closely so he could determine exactly what was wrong with him.

"Of course, sir," Elano nodded, and continued down the hall.

Legolas waited only until he was out of earshot before turning to Aragorn, and asking, "What do you suppose is wrong this time?" The 'this time' he included in memory of all the times there had been some crises or other in Elano's life, which were surprisingly many. He had never known any other Elf so young who had been faced with so much tragedy and upheaval in his life.

But Aragorn looked after the Elf and shook his head, troubled, but unable to give a satisfactory answer. "I don't know."

…

Watching Elano at dinner only increased Legolas's anxiety, as the younger Elf only pecked at his meal and seemed to have little appetite in spite of the long journey he had just had. The meal was a rather unusual affair, where Alanna alone was bright and chirpy. She behaved completely oblivious to the fact that Elano was shockingly unhealthy and that this was causing quite a bit of grief to her husband. She engaged the Elf in a lively conversation about his role in the school, the children, and his passion for healing. Elano only answered in monosyllables for the most part, but Legolas could tell that he appreciated Alanna's warmth. He was surprised and pleased that she went completely out of her way to converse and familiarize herself with him; for she had quickly deduced that Elano meant a great deal to her husband and wanted to find out more about him. It must have been an extreme effort for someone who normally spent their meals in quiet contemplation to socialize to such a degree, Legolas reflected, and he felt no small admiration for her effort. Alanna had managed to save them all from endless awkward silences for which small mercy he was infinitely grateful.

After the meal, Legolas did not waste any time in confronting Elano about exactly what was wrong. He knew the Elf was tired from his journey, but also sensed that he would not get much sleep anyway with whatever was preying on his mind and health. Accordingly, he marched right up to Elano's quarters and knocked smartly on the door. As he had predicted, Elano had not even undressed and appeared to have been settling down at his desk with a book when Legolas arrived. He welcomed Legolas warmly, offered him a chair as well as tea and the two settled down by the fireplace for what promised to be a long (and revealing) conversation.

"How did all this come to be, sir, if you don't mind my asking?" Elano asked presently, in reference to Legolas's marriage and his ascending the throne.

The older Elf had anticipated the question, as he knew it must have been greatly puzzling Elano ever since it had been sprung on him that evening. He smiled in amusement as he remembered Elano's flabbergasted expression when he found out. He imagined that it might have even rivaled Aragorn's. "Do you remember that trip I took to see my father about a month before the graduation?" He asked, resolving to leave nothing out. The depth of Elano's friendship with Ivana gave him a right to information, he realized with some guilt, that even his wife was not privy to. At Elano's nod, he continued hurriedly before he could lose his nerve. "Well, my father had just returned from a visit to Ivana, and something about her behavior worried him greatly. She was apparently very melancholy and nostalgic about the past and the family that she had lost, and suffice it to say that ada came away from the meeting very troubled. He came to the conclusion that Ivana needed to be restored to her family, and that she had already given too much to be forced to live in such loneliness as repayment."

"There was, of course, only one way to restore Ivana's family to her; and that was sailing away with her to Valinor. My father approached me about his anxieties for Ivana, and told me of his wishes. Naturally, if he sailed, I would be required to ascend the throne, but there was another law which required me to marry before I ascended the throne. I agreed to both conditions, and that is how you find me as I am, married as well as King, in such a short time."

Elano looked a little surprised that Legolas had completely eluded the subjects of his courtship with Alanna (if it could even be called that) and exactly how his marriage had been arranged, but the older Elf did not think it was necessary for Elano to know everything about his marriage, not because he did not trust him, but because he was still guilty that Elano knew more about his reasons for marrying than his own wife. "That is also why," he continued, steering the conversation towards Elano's summer now, "I told you to visit Ivana before you went to see your mother. I knew you may not get another chance to say goodbye, even though at that point, nothing had been decided yet and she herself did not know that she would be sailing soon." He paused to let Elano say something, and when he did not, he probed him, "Well, did you go and visit her?"

"Yes," Elano answered tightly, "But I wasn't able to say goodbye, or even treat her out of the ordinary in any way, because, as you said, she didn't know she might be sailing soon." There was something odd in his expression; a look of mingled pain and resignation and something else as well, which made Legolas stare intently at him for a long moment. Then, a flash of insight accompanied by shocked realization hit him and he gasped, winded. "Do you…Elano, do you love her?" When he looked back on the moment later, he could never understand exactly how he had come to this conclusion, and could only conclude that marriage and his relationship with Alanna, platonic as it was, had somehow made him more perceptive to these things.

Elano started at the unexpected question, looking at Legolas with a combination of shame, helplessness and sorrow which left no room for any doubt. Legolas let out an uneven breath. "How long?" He asked quietly.

"I don't know, sir," Elano said, not meeting the other's gaze. He hesitated. "I think it started even before I found out she was an adult, but I naturally discouraged myself then because I thought she was a child. And then when I found out who she was and what she had done, my feelings only increased in strength. I don't even know if it is love. Eru knows I'm far too young to be experiencing something like this; how am I to know that it isn't just a- a transient fancy? She is four or five millennia older than I am, and she is so unimpeachably noble, so good, and so proud besides, that I cannot help but admire and…and love her. But…" He stopped, drawing a shaky breath as he struggled to express himself. "But it is those very qualities which make her completely unreachable to me; she is so completely above and beyond me that I never once dreamt of confessing my feelings to her, or expected her to reciprocate them even before I found out she would be sailing. But I can't help missing her and wishing that she could have stayed."

This last was said hurriedly, almost defensively, as though Elano was trying to forestall an objection or remonstrance. Legolas realized that the younger Elf had yet to meet his gaze and that his entire demeanor was tense, as though he was awaiting some sort of judgment from his former teacher. "Elano, look at me," He said gently, his heart going out to the young Elf before him. Elano raised his eyes reluctantly to Legolas's and his face flooded with intense relief upon seeing the compassion in the eyes of one he had come to regard aa a mentor and a friend. "There is no shame in your feelings for Ivana, but you were right not to expect anything similar from her. I'm sorry if I'm being too brutally honest, but it needs to be said."

"I know," Elano sighed, "Ivana wouldn't be ready for that type of commitment even for someone more suited for her. She lived alone for millennia, and first has to learn how to deal with interacting with people in general, never mind love." He shook his head, looking troubled. "Sometimes I wonder if she would have gotten on half as well with me if I hadn't been the only one willing to befriend her after so many years of such loneliness. It isn't exactly a comforting thought, or a flattering one, but the fact that I must entertain it tells me that I should not even hope for anything from her in the future, because that will always hang before us even if we do. Even when I admitted my feelings to myself, I knew that there was never any hope. But even so, even though I know it is the best thing for her, I can't help but wish she hadn't sailed."

The catch in his voice and the slightly wistful look in his eyes touched Legolas to the quick. His heart ached for the young Elf, whose level of resignation indicated that Elano was certainly mature enough to make a relationship work at this age, if he had only chosen someone else for his affections. "Elano, I…I'm sorry. If things had been different, it would have been an honor to claim you as my kin," Legolas said. Not used to expressing such sentimentality, he struggled over the words, but his earnestness ensured that there was no doubting their sincerity.

Elano flushed, pleased and touched by the words. "Thank you, sir," He said quietly, "I need to be reminded that there are still people I care for, and that care for me in turn, who I am not in danger of losing." His voice had dropped so low over these last words that Legolas almost doubted that they had been said.

"What do you mean?" He asked, a deep sense of foreboding filling him. "Elano?" He asked more sharply when the Elf did not reply. "Who are you in danger of losing?"

"My mother...I fear…I fear she is fading," Elano choked out with difficulty, and Legolas sucked in a horrified breath at this pronouncement. Oh no… "I can't…she won't eat, or sleep, she doesn't respond when I talk to her, she drinks herself into a stupor every night in front of ada's portrait…" Elano's hands trembled as he raised them in a gesture of helplessness. "I can't stand it; I can't lose her…I can't…" His face twisted with agony, and then his head sank into his hands, and his form was wracked with silent, heaving sobs as he finally gave himself up to his grief and fears.

Legolas rose, and, without saying a word, perched himself on the arm of Elano's chair, gently placing an arm around the Elf's shaking shoulders. At the reassuring touch, Elano let out a strangled sound of misery and wrapped both his arms tightly around his former teacher, clinging to him as though his life depended on it. Legolas's heart clenched at the glimpse he got of his face before it was buried in his shoulder. He rubbed Elano's back gently, but did not bid him cease weeping, or tell him that everything would be alright, knowing such words would sound empty and hollow. Elano's body shuddered against his, and the sheer violence of his grief almost brought tears to Legolas's own eyes.

He wondered angrily what this Elf, who could not have been a day over fifty-five winters, had done to deserve this. Why did the fates have to be so cruel to someone who deserved so much more? And how much more could Elano endure before he broke completely? And that was a disturbing thought, because Elano's description of his mother's behavior; not eating, not sleeping, haunted by loss, fit Elano himself as perfectly as a glove. And the mere thought of Elano…fading…terrified him beyond imagination. His arms tightened unconsciously around the shaking Elf in his arms. He had known he cared about him, but only the realization that he could lose him, and the horror it excited in him, which was comparable to what he felt whenever he was reminded of Aragorn's mortality, revealed to him how much.

He waited patiently until Elano's tremors had lessened somewhat, and then, without pulling out of their embrace, asked him quietly, "How long, do you think…?"

"I don't know," Elano replied unsteadily, his words slightly muffled by the fabric of Legolas's tunic, "It is happening quite slowly. I don't think she even realizes yet what is happening to her- if she did, it would happen much faster. Even though she doesn't eat much, she drinks all through the day, and that provides some sustenance. And although she never sleeps willingly, she does get her rest when she drinks herself unconscious once every two or three days. I engaged a healer to stay at home and look after her; a nurse, if you will, but I couldn't stay there and watch her waste away," His breathing hitched and another sob escaped his throat. "Most of the time she barely seems to know that I'm there," He continued in a words so rent with anguish and guilt that they were almost indistinguishable, "The last six months have wrought a change in her which I can't even begin to describe. We both used to work as healers under Lord Culas; I think he is of your court, is he not?" Legolas confirmed the question with a nod, which Elano felt rather than saw.

"That was before I became healer here," he continued, pulling away from Legolas and regarding him with red-rimmed eyes. "The wage I get from you is extremely generous, sir, twice of what I earned under Lord Culas," he continued earnestly, "And I send most of what I earn to my mother every month. I found out when I returned that she has been spending much of that money on drink and that Lord Culas had dismissed her from his employment because her inebriation was proving dangerous for the injured she treated. If I had known, if I had gotten over my petty hesitation, and gone to see her…"

"Elano, that wasn't your fault," Legolas stopped this guilty outpour of self-recrimination with a mind to comfort the Elf at least on this score. He did not need guilt to eat at him on top of everything else he was feeling. "You could not have known, and besides, you are only human yourself. I remember what you told me about why you didn't want to go. You said your mother loved living in he past, and that she reminded you too often of the deaths of your sister and father. You're not invincible; you were just as affected as your mother by their deaths, but you dealt with it in a different way. No one can fault you for protecting yourself."

"Be that as it may, it doesn't change the fact that if I had visited her earlier, I might have stopped her from going on this path of self-destruction before it was too late," Elano insisted, "And even when I finally did bring myself to visit, I lacked the courage to stay there for the full two months like I was supposed to," Here his voice turned bitter again, and his words were tinged with self-loathing. "I couldn't stand to see her waste away before me, so I took the easy way out and engaged someone to look after her instead of doing it myself."

"Is it only because you couldn't stand to see her condition, or is there something else?" Legolas asked gently. Truth be told, he was a little puzzled by his escapist behavior.

"No," Elano said, his voice choked as he fought the sobs threatening to rise in his throat, "I…my mother is the splitting image of my sister and I feel…I feel like I'm losing the last link I have to her. Miriel and I were exceptionally close, even for twins…we'd finish each other's sentences, even feel each other's distress," He shuddered visibly. "We may not have looked alike, but we were one in mind. I still remember the day she drowned…I was five, but I felt her. She was so afraid…I felt her death." Legolas felt sick with horror as he realized that Elano had lived with this almost all his life. To have known death so intimately when he was so young; no wonder Elano's eyes always seemed so old and sad.

"I've never spoken of this to anyone before," Elano continued unsteadily. "I…my parents were devastated by her death, and I couldn't…I didn't want to make it worse for them. I don't know how I got over her passing. My mother told me that I almost faded…I can't remember it; the year following her death is like a half remembered nightmare to me. At first, I couldn't stand to be close to my mother because she was reminded me so much of Miriel, but in time I came to love her for that. The same was true for her. We provided each other a link to Miriel, and that is why we became so much to each other." He smiled sadly. "You must have wondered why I was trained in healing rather than warfare, when it was the latter that was my father's trade. It was because my mother and I were so close. I worshipped her. I wanted to do everything she did- and my father did not object because he thought healing to be a noble profession. The joy I used to find in following in her footsteps…"

"Used to?" Legolas asked.

Elano looked away. His voice, when he spoke, shook with emotion. The shame coloring his tone made it clear that he felt he was betraying something fundamental by admitting this. "My mother…I can't look up to her anymore. She has changed greatly…and while I still take joy in healing people, it's no longer because I worship her. I…" He swallowed hard and met Legolas's gaze with brimming eyes. He spoke quickly, his words a desperate attempt to justify the traitorous emotions he could not help feeling. "I feel like I've already lost her. She has changed so much…I can't…"

"Elano, there is no shame in feeling as you do," Legolas interrupted softly, squeezing the younger Elf's shoulder in gentle comfort. "Loss affects people in unfathomable ways. There's nothing you or I can do to stop it."

"But what am I going to do, if she dies?" Elano's voiced was tinged with desperation, "She's kept me afloat for most of my life…how am I supposed to live if my last family dies? I feel like I'm sinking already…"

The terror that the thought of losing Elano had ignited flared again at these words. Suddenly, with uncharacteristic impulsiveness, Legolas folded him tightly in his arms in a fierce embrace. "I won't let you sink," He said jerkily, his heart pounding in his chest as he envisioned what his life would be without the soft-spoken Elf in it. It would be the same as losing a blood relative, and the thought of it made him sick with fear and horror. "I won't lose you. I refuse to lose you"

Elano was frozen in arms, moved beyond words by such heartfelt, emotional words from someone who was usually reserved and undemonstrative. He pulled out of the embrace, his expression full of amazement and wonder. Legolas's face was flushed, partly from the strong emotions still coursing through him and partly from embarrassment at giving in to them in Elano's presence. "I'm sorry," He apologized, afraid that he had made the Elf uncomfortable, "That was…"

"Don't," Elano's voice was choked with gratitude. "Thank you." For loving me, for reminding me that I'm not alone…

The room was enveloped in quietude as the two sat together, leaning against each other in silence, each preoccupied with their own thoughts. Legolas gazed out of the window, staring into the inky black sky dotted with stars and a crescent moon, and sighed. When he had decided to confront Elano and marched up to his room that evening, he had never expected anything like this. He was still shaken by the evening's revelations, and suspected he would be for some time to come, and he could not yet gauge if he had managed to help Elano. In any event, he felt he could have done more for the Elf; under the circumstances, he felt quite helpless. Suddenly realizing how late it was, he shook himself out of his reverie.

"Elano, it must be past midnight. I must go to bed, and so must you." He scowled disapprovingly at the book which was still open on Elano's desk. "And if you stay up all night and read after your long journey, I will personally make sure you sorely regret it."

Elano fidgeted slightly and then nodded. Legolas smiled. "Goodnight, Elano."

He was opening the door to leave when Elano's voice stopped him. "Sir, wait," A flush painted his cheeks, and his next words bubbled forth, both pleading and embarrassed. "I don't want to be alone tonight. I have nightmares and I'm so afraid of waking up alone, I can't-" He cut himself off abruptly and averted his gaze from Legolas's, his cheeks aflame with shame and embarrassment.

Legolas's face softened; he crossed the room in two swift strides, and placed his hands gently on the Elf's shoulders. "Of course I will stay with you. You had only to ask." When the Elf still wouldn't look at him, he added, "There is no shame in asking for help Elano; you know that, don't you? We all have nightmares and fears we can't conquer. I don't think any less of you for asking."

The tension melted away from Elano's shoulders, and he looked up at Legolas and smiled tremulously. For the second time that evening, his voice was choked with gratitude. "Thank you."

…

TBC…

And I will not say another word, and let the chapter speak for itself. Please review!