Title: Until We Reach Valinor

Chapter 35: Until Eternity Fades

...

Days passed in a haze of empty numbness. The palace was oppressively silent; no one spoke above a whisper. Elves garbed in black went silently about their duties, making the place feel like death itself. All of Greenwood was in mourning.

Legolas continued on, completely disconnected from everyone around him, disconnected from himself. Aragorn had tried more than once to get through to him before he left for Gondor, but to no avail. Even Elano had tried to approach him- he had noticed distantly that the Elf was doing better than he had expected, he had been almost sure he would fade after losing Rilian- but he had pushed him away just as he had everyone else.

Alanna, however, had not approached him- in fact, he hadn't even seen her since the funeral. She had taken to having his meals ensconced in their bedchamber, and he himself had not entered their room even to rest, fearing both her presence and the nightmares sleep would bring. The room had also been where the twins had been born...he cut the thought of at once, afraid of the memories. Some small part of him knew he couldn't continue like this much longer- the longest he had ever managed to go without sleep had been a month, and it had nearly cost him his life; at some point he would certainly break, and the longer he kept this up the worse it would be. But his overriding instinct was to keep up a mask of mechanical stoicism and to bury himself in empty numbness. It was as much self-preservation as it was pride.

But the day finally came when he couldn't keep from entering their bedchamber any longer. Strangely, it wasn't the need for sleep that finally forced the necessity on him, but something much more mundane. He was overdue in paying the palace servants and guards for the month's services. Miriel's death had thrown everyone's routines off kilter, and it had slipped his mind. Not that anyone had tried to bring his attention to this - no one was tactless enough to bring such a thing up at a time like this. He knew that even if he'd neglected to pay their salaries for months, they wouldn't have drawn his attention to it, but that was no excuse for him to delay now that he had remembered.

The treasury was a three day's ride from the palace, and he didn't want to keep his staff waiting for the six days it would take for the money to be fetched. Some of them had families who depended on what he paid them. So he had no choice but to use the substantial cache he kept in his own private safe for exactly these kinds of situations, which of course had to be located in their bedchamber. He sighed, wishing that he'd installed the thing in his study when they'd first moved here permanently, but at the time he had wanted to show Alanna that all his wealth was hers, too. They had just been married and it had seemed an apt gesture. He had even tried to show her how to open the safe, and she had dropped the keys three times, laughing at her own incompetence in that self-depreciating way she had- he cut the memories off abruptly, commanding his mind not to go there, forcing it back to the blank numbness he needed to function.

He procrastinated, waited till the small hours of the morning when he was sure Alanna would be asleep, and then finally tiptoed into his own bedchamber like a thief come to steal something precious. And stopped short before he had managed three steps into the room. Candles lit the room, odd for this time of night, and Alanna was curled up in a foetal position on his side of the bed, two things which she had never done before in all the nights they had shared a bed; but that was not what made his blood freeze and his breath rush from him as though he had been punched in the gut.

It was the cradle. Sitting innocuously in the centre of the room...he remembered standing over it with Alanna that night when the twins had been born and revelling in the feeling of having a family for the first time in his life. Pain knifed through him, and this time he couldn't block it out. His feet moved forward of their own accord. The twins had shared it; even though the cradle had originally been made for one, they had seemed to enjoy the close contact, and he and Alanna had decided against having it replaced. Images flashed before his eyes as his feet brought him inevitably closer. Alanna, singing them softly to sleep, her face alight with love. Miriel chirping happily as Alanna lifted her out to be fed, himself laughing while Alanna peered over the cradle in an attempt to amuse the twins, which had the opposite effect of sending them both into floods of tears, fearful of the grotesque contortions of their mother's face.

Desperately, he tried to cut off the memories, but they kept coming, like a flood gushing forth when a dam breaks. And then he was standing in front of the cradle, staring down at his son. His heart gave a painful twist when he realized that he had not seen him once since Miriel's funeral. The sight of Rilian curled in a forlorn little lump under the covers seemed profoundly wrong- suddenly the cradle that had always been meant to fit one seemed too big. Rilian stirred, and the covers shifted, a glint of silver shining out from beneath them. Frowning, he reached out, and then the breath left his lungs in a rush as his hand closed on a silver rattle. Aragorn and Arwen had gifted them the rattles when the twins had been born. Their names were carved into them in intricate lettering; other than that they were identical. Hands shaking, vision blurring, he stared down at the rattle in his hand.

Pain exploded in his chest, snapping what was left of his control, and his knees buckled. His hands tightened around the rattle as the sobs came at last, shaking his body so violently that he didn't even try to get up, but let himself fall sideways onto the floor and press his face into the carpet. The ache in his chest was an awful, stabbing thing that was threatening to tear his body apart, and it left no room for thought or memory. There was only loss, and the rattle in his hands.

It could have been minutes or hours later when he felt gentle hands trying to pry his fingers away, and he let out a choked, inarticulate sound and tightened his grip further. The hands drew away, leaving him feeling more bereft than ever. And then he felt the brush of skirts above him as someone stepped over his prone form; and a warm body pressed against his back and legs, an arm settled over his shaking shoulders; the other pressed against his back. He choked, trying weakly to pull away from comfort he knew he did not deserve.

"Don't," Alanna's voice whispered the word into his neck, her arm tightening around him. "Not this time." Her breathing hitched and he felt body shake against his.

He was still barely even aware of where he was, of anything besides the awful pain in his chest, but some primal instinct made him reach blindly for her hand. She squeezed it back for all she was worth. He realized dimly that he had let go of the rattle, but couldn't bring himself to care.

Her skin felt so warm after the cold metal, her tears hot against the back of his neck.

...

Four hours later, and the sobs had finally tapered into quiet hiccups. The grief was still there, a dull, insistent ache in his chest, but more than that he felt utterly drained and exhausted. The lack of sleep had finally caught up to him, and his eyes felt gritty and swollen, in fact, it was all he could do to keep himself from falling asleep where he was. As the sobs abated he had also became aware of where he was, and felt the stirrings of embarrassment that years of pride and fierce independence wouldn't allow him not to feel as he realized he had basically broken down in her arms on the floor of their bedroom. He'd had reason, of course...but he had never allowed himself to be so vulnerable with anyone before, never wept with so much abandon that he had lost track of his very surroundings.

And yet her body felt so solid and warm against his back, her hand so firm in his, that he didn't want to pull away. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been held so tightly. Eventually, she shifted against him.

"We should..." she cleared her throat as her voice cracked after the hours of weeping. "We should move to the bed."

A beat as his tired mind processed this, and then he nodded in acquiescence and pulled away from her. "I...I need to get Rilian," she said when they had disentangled themselves and gotten to their feet.

It was only then that he realized Rilian wasn't in his crib anymore. "Where...?"

"I gave him to Calianna," she said quickly, and he realized with shock that he had been so wrapped up in his grief that he hadn't even noticed. "But he needs to be near me, or in the crib, or he won't sleep." But Rilian had always been such a sound sleeper. The thought came from nowhere, a memory from what might have been another life. "Ever since M-Miriel..." She stumbled. "He's become so restless, cries so easily..."

He stared at her in silence, and was suddenly hit by the fact that until tonight, he hadn't even so much as looked at his son since...since Miriel had died. Weeks. It couldn't have been that long, could it? He opened his mouth to say something, but she was turning away and hurrying out of the room before he had a chance. Moments later, she was back with Rilian in her arms, making soft, hushing noises to the child, who was completely distraught, crying as if he had lost a piece of himself. Which he had, Legolas realized, suddenly remembering what Elano had once told him about his sister's death, that he had actually felt her die.

His stomach curdled and before he knew what he was doing, he was rushing forward. "Give him to me." The instincts which he had tried to kill to dull the pain of losing one child roared back to life at the sight of Rilian's distress. He still had a son left.

Alanna looked surprised for a moment, and then she wordlessly handed Rilian over to him. He held tightly to his chest, eyes blurring with emotion, and felt the awful weight of guilt for what he had almost done. He had broken yet another promise, one that he had made to himself, that he would never become his father. Not that Thranduil had been a bad father, by any means...but he had been distant. Formal, almost as if Legolas was one of his many subjects. He had never been able to let himself get very close to his son after losing both Gilraen and Ivana. An act of self-preservation which Legolas had never resented him for because he had always known his father loved him...but he had always wished his father had been closer to him, known him better. When Miriel and Rilian had been born, he'd sworn he wouldn't do that to them. And yet, here he was, holding his son for the first time in weeks.

"Valar, I'm sorry," he whispered, dropping bonelessly onto the bed, his son still clutched tightly in his arms. "I'm so sorry I neglected you. I won't anymore, I won't, I promise."

Alanna took a seat beside him, and began to sing softly, if a little hoarsely a lullaby that they had both used to put Miriel to sleep. It was she who had always been restless. His eyes watering as the memories flooded through him, he rocked his son gently in his arms, and gradually his cries quietened and died as Rilian finally fell asleep. Alanna stopped singing, and silence, punctuated by Rilian's even breathing, fell over the room.

"You weren't able to see him because you were avoiding me," Alanna said after a long moment.

He winced. "I thought you blamed me," he told her heavily, "I thought you never wanted to see me again because I couldn't save her." The four hours he had just spent clutched tightly in Alanna's arms as he wept, as if he was all that was keeping her alive had disabused him of that notion, but he owed her an explanation. "And...you did not seek me out either. I thought..."

"Of course I didn't blame you," she said, looking truly shocked. "You couldn't have known. Nobody could have known he would-" she cut her self off. "I didn't blame you. And...I didn't seek you out because I thought you blamed me," she whispered, eyes downcast. "For...for Aradhel, the wedding...naming Rilian. Everything. I thought you couldn't bear to look at me."

It was his turn to be shocked. "Alanna!" he said in a low, fierce whisper which would have been a yell if it was not for Rilian asleep in his arms. "Of course I did not-"

"I've never been worthy of you," she interrupted him. "I'm not regal, or poised enough- I wasn't raised for being a Queen. That's what got us into this mess, isn't it? Me choking on that ridiculous candied apple because I couldn't control my laughter?" She gave a derisive snort. "I almost lost our children once before when I tripped over that bow, but you saved me then. I was always so afraid my clumsiness would end up hurting them, and it did, even before we had conceived them!"

"Alanna, no," Legolas told her fervently, turning to face to her. "That wasn't your fault. You don't have the gift of foresight, how could you have known? I agreed to name him Rilian, too. I was the one who threw him bodily out of the palace and stripped him off his status as Lord. And I don't even regret that, because he struck you. I regret not keeping a closer eye on him, not recognizing his fury for what it was, not being there with you when-"

"You don't have the gift of foresight either," she interrupted him again. "It goes both ways, Legolas." He winced, knowing she had a point. "I can't not blame myself for what happened. Any more than you can stop blaming yourself. In my head, I know I did nothing wrong, but in my heart..." she shook her head, and he nodded. He knew exactly how she felt. "But I don't blame you," she continued fervently. "You have to know that. I couldn't live with myself if you thought I did." Because I need you. Valar, I need you, and I can't do this if you keep pushing me away. I can't do this alone.

"I do know that," he said, "Now...you know I don't blame you either, don't you? Because I couldn't l-l-live with myself if you thought that, either." The slight tremor in his voice surprised her. She looked down at her hands, unsure what to say, and saw that the imprints of his fingers still hadn't faded from her skin where he had clutched her hand so desperately.

And she realised that maybe she didn't need to worry about him pushing her away, because he needed her, too. He couldn't do this alone any more than she could. "Yes," she said softly. "I know."

...

Half an hour later, and they were both still sitting at the foot of the bed, their son lying between them, asleep. Neither had said a word, or moved to lie down, even though both were exhausted. There was still one thing left to say, and both knew if they didn't say it now, with all their were defences still stripped away by the four hours spent weeping together on the floor of the bedchamber, they most likely ever would.

And yet, neither had yet found the nerve to bring it up, because they both knew it would mean either the making or breaking of their marriage. The silence stretched on, and finally, Alanna sighed, knowing Legolas wouldn't be the one mention it first. She couldn't be sure what he wanted, but she knew he wouldn't want to pressure her, break the promise he'd made her. If they were to talk about this, she would have to be the one to apologize.

"She doesn't have to be gone forever," she said softly, hesitantly. "In Valinor, she will be reborn to us, if..."

"If we stay together," Legolas finished for her. "I know." But they had agreed, until we reach Valinor. A marriage of convenience. Nothing more.

"Rilian will understand," she said hesitantly, as if exactly the same thought had occurred to her.

"It might be centuries before we're successful," he reminded her. "The ways of the Valar are mysterious...he would already have waited so long for you to sail to him. He might not want to wait longer."

Alanna was silent for a long moment. "I could sacrifice Rilian for Miriel, if I had to," she whispered at last, decision made. "But I couldn't...I couldn't sacrifice Miriel for anything."

His eyes blurred from sheer relief. "Thank you," he whispered. Bad enough to see Miriel die, to bury her and mourn her and not be able to hold her again for centuries to come...but to never hold her, never hear her laugh, never comb his hands through her hair, for her to really be gone as Elves were never meant to be...that would have destroyed him more surely than anything else he had been through in this lifetime.

Alanna's eyes were teary, fearful at the thought that she might lose her lover, that she might, after everything, end up alone and broken-hearted without her happy ending in Valinor. The thought filled her with dread, even though she knew without doubt that Miriel would be worth it. Legolas reached for her hand, and when she met his gaze she saw so much understanding, so much empathy in his eyes that it made her breath catch.

"No matter what happens you'll never be alone," he said, voice low. "Even if Rilian doesn't understand, even if he's stupid enough not to wait...you'll always have me. Until eternity fades, Alanna. I swear it."

She grasped his hand fiercely, fear falling away. With him by her side, she could face anything. "You'll always have me, too," she told him, knowing he needed to hear it, too. Knowing she needed to say it. The grounds their marriage had stood on all these months had just shifted, changed into something strange and unfamiliar...and unbreakable. She met his eyes, unwavering. "Until eternity fades."

...

END.

Stay tuned for the epilogue...I don't consider this quite done yet. Loose ends, mainly concerning Rilian and the still to be realized 'romantic' part of their relationship, are still left to be tied.

Oh, and I'm really sorry I didn't send review replies for the last chappie. Moving houses and a malfunctioning internet connection made me totally forget and then when I remembered it was really late so I thought I'd just apologize and thank you all for your reviews the next time I updated. I do appreciate all your reviews, and will be sorry next chapter to be seeing the last of some of you- especially the old faithful ones- as this story has been going on for so many years that I kind of started thinking of you guys as old friends, LOL. Not to mention there were so few of you (Legomances being so unpopular), that I was very grateful for every review I got.

I'm sorry to say you may not get review replies this time either, because my net is down again. (rolls eyes) I'm back in Delhi, but am being forced to post this from a cyber cafe. The internet cafe in my college blocks out on grounds that it has pornographic content...so I can read reviews but can't reply to them. I will however make sure to reply to the final set of reviews for the epilogue.

I just realized something about this fic...when I first started writing it, it wasn't intended to be a Legomance. It's there in all my author's notes at the beginning (I'm too lazy to go back and change them) where I very emphatically stated that the story wasn't a romance. I wanted it to be a 'different' arranged marriage fic with the characters discovering a deep friendship but never really falling in love. But when I got further and further in the story, the more I thought these two belonged together. So I decided to go the cliché way after all.

But I kept any hint of physical attraction of these characters to each other at a minimum. I wanted to stay as true as possible to the original idea behind this, and also, most of the story was in Legolas's point of view, and he would never admit it even to himself if he was physically attracted to Alanna, LOL. Alanna's still hung up on Rilian, so she wouldn't admit to being attracted to Legolas either. But I changed the genre of the story from angst to romance because I realized that with where it was heading it was, indeed, a romance.

Anyway, enough with the long reflections on my own fic...please review and tell me what you think!