Harry, Ron and the twins were seated in the drawing room. Opposite them were Sirius, Remus, Mad-eye, Mr Weasley and Kingsley. All of them apart from Mad-eye looked uncomfortable.

"Now you're maybe wondering why you are here" Remus started

The four boys nodded.

"Well, when a man loves a woman –

"DAD!" the twins shouted "you gave us that talk last year."

"I still have nightmares" Fred said shuddering

"And the mental image of you and mum has permanently put me of sex for life" George said turning a chalk white.

Kingsley began to laugh

"Now Harry and Ginny have been caught in a compromising position and we thought –

"WHAT! POTTER HAVE YOU BROKEN OUR BABY SISTERS INNOCENCE???"

Soon the adults had to pull Ron and the twins off Harry.

Meanwhile Hermione and Ginny were seated in the kitchen with Mrs Weasley, and Tonks seating opposite.

"Now I realised that both of you are becoming a young woman and I decided to tell you what boys are really like"

Hermione slowly sank into her seat and Ginny began to bash her head against the table.

The twins and Ron were firmly tied to their chair and Harry was seated near the door.

"Right lads, women are sexy, beautiful and amazing but they could also be vicious cunning Slytherins who only have sex with you so they can claim they're pregnant with your baby" Mad-eye snapped

"Err…..that's not exactly the right thing to say Alastor" Mr Weasley said

"Has that actually happened to you Mad-eye?" Sirius said looking interested

"Yes"

"Now if a boy gets to rough or won't stop then you should knee him in the balls, always worked" Tonks said cheerfully

Hermione began to write notes.

"Will you be kneeing Remus in the balls any time soon Tonks?" Ginny said cheerfully

"No comment"

"Now boys when you need advice just go to me or Arthur. Remus is no good because he's a virgin"

"Not bloody likely considering how he and Tonks were like in the cupboard" Harry muttered

"LUPIN! DID YOU MESS WITH MY BABY COUSIN?????"

Both Mad-eye and Mr Weasley had to pull Sirius off of Remus while Kingsley rolled on the floor in hysterical laughter

"Now dears, to give a man pleasure –

"MOTHER! I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS FROM YOU!!!"

"I find it rather interesting please continue Molly I could use this stuff for Remus"

Sirius was now firmly tied to a chair next to the twins. And Remus was edging closer to the door.

"Now boys I think we should get a diagram drawn" Mr Weasley said

"Oh please god have mercy on me" Ron whispered

"So you have the spell and the potion but I find the best way to make sure you don't have babies is to say no to sex. Now who wants tea?"

"You know I think I might become a nun" Ginny whispered to Hermione, who was still writing notes. "Why are you writing this? Keeping it for when you and Ron decide to get together?"

"NO!"

"No tea dear, all right just me and Tonks then"

"Err…..actually Molly I got a meeting with someone"

"Does that someone happen to be a werewolf called Remus Lupin?"

"None of your business"

Both Harry and Remus legged it out of the room, while Sirius and the Weasleys chased after them.

"Kingsley you were no help at all" Mad-eye snarled

"Sorry Mad-eye. I'm surprised you didn't hex Remus, I mean you do see Tonks as a daughter"

"Who said I didn't? Let's just say the poor lad won't be able to get his pants off for a week"

Authors note: this was inspired by a story where Sirius, Mr Weasley and Mad-eye give Harry, Ron, Neville and Remus the 'talk'