Violent World

by Zaney HacknSlash

Hunted by two powerful, new foes, the team begins to break apart. Loyalty and sanity are questioned, inner demons are unleashed, and for once, making it to India is the least of their problems. All Pov. Epic.

8. Chapter 8

Gojyo

People just like me, everywhere I looked: walking by and smiling, saying hi to me when they had no idea who I was. Kids running all over the place, laughing like they didn't have a care in the world. Mom's taking care of kids. Men working. Old women cooking. Couples. Damn, there were so many happy couples I started feeling sick. They were all over, holding hands and smiling at each other like there was no one alive but them.

Here it was, right in front of me like a huge flag. Everything I'd never realized life to be, everything I had just assumed was a dream or a fantasy, come to life. A place where a half-breed could be happy and do whatever he wanted and not worry that the next person he ran into might recognize what he was and wanna' fight about it. I couldn't imagine having half of what these little kids had now when I was their age. I couldn't imagine holding hands with a girl and really, truly being in love with her. But here it all was, like it had always been around, the oldest idea in the world. All of that and more.

Everyone was so happy to see me, like I was their long, lost brother. Guys came up and patted me on the back like we were best buddies. In the first fifteen minutes I must have had twenty girls flirt with me. It was like I'd been there before and then come back. Like I was supposed to be there.

I felt sorta' bad about just walking out on Goku like that. He wasn't welcome here, so being alone would probably be really awkward for him, but I knew the kid could take care of himself, and I seriously needed to be alone for a while.

It was so strange to find a place like this when my whole life I'd never met another hybrid. Not even one. When I was younger, I used to wonder if there were more people like me and where they were. Then the pessimist in me had started to assume that there weren't. As a moody teenager I'd just assumed I was the only red-headed bastard alive. Since then I had stopped caring. Finding a whole society of half-breeds was mind blowing to me.

And then there'd been that bastard Feng, talking about belonging. The way he said it made me feel like he thought I belonged here too. Like he expected me to be happy and make this place my new home is where the heart is.

Even Goku had looked at me like he thought I was supposed to go into hysterics.

I didn't feel happy though. And I wasn't unhappy. I didn't actually know how to feel.

Yesterday my biggest problem had been Jade Asahara and that no good holy man, and now I felt like I didn't even know who I was.

I had to admit it though, this place was really nice. It was sunny and warm, full of cheerful people, surrounded by mountains and fresh air and solitude. It was decent-sized too, and I saw bars and shops and everything a normal town had. It was a normal town. Just in the middle of nowhere and full of cursed people that no one else in the world wanted to have anything to do with.

But there was a weirdly depressing side to it too. I saw a lot of people who looked like life had warmed them over. There were little kids with scars, people missing limbs, people who looked broken beyond repair. I wondered if I was one of them, and I found myself touching my scars without meaning to. I passed a house where a scrawny old man was sitting on his porch, smoking a pipe. He had something wrong with his legs—a cripple. I wondered if he'd been born that way or if someone had done it to him somehow. He stared at me so long as I passed that eventually I waved at him.

He just nodded.

Jeez. What the hell was with that old fart?

Whatever. I was thinking I wanted to blow this town. Just grab Goku, take a lunch for the road and go find Hakkai and Sanzo. Then I was thinking I wanted to hang around and see how this played out. See what life was really like here. I half expected it all to be an illusion. Like some cloud was going to lift and I'd see that everyone here was just as miserable and out of place as I'd always been. Just as cursed as me.

No cloud lifted, and I stopped in what looked like a park to smoke a cigarette. I guess it was a park. There was a little playset crawling with kids, and tons of tall, well cared for grass blooming with flowers. The trees were tall and shady, and I just stood there for what felt like hours, watching the kids. One little punk looked a little like me. His red hair was longish, and he was scrappy.

Suddenly I was just seven or eight again, only I wasn't running and having a kick-ass time with my friends. I was being chased by the other kids who lived on the block, and if they didn't catch me and kick the shit out of me before I got to my house, then Mom would knock me around. Either way, I'd have a brand new bruise tomorrow, and maybe a black eye.

I closed my eyes and for a confusing moment, I really wanted Jien to be standing there next to me. I had to remind myself out loud, "I don't need him. Not anymore."

"Don't need who?"

Startled, I opened my eyes. There was a pretty girl standing there—she had long, wavy hair that tumbled loosely around her shoulders and down to her waist, and a heartshaped face, big eyes and sexy body.

She smiled, "I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?"

"No." Normally, this was about the time when I'd turn on the old charm and sweep her off her feet. Today, I didn't feel like it. "I'm just thinking."

The girl nodded, drawing a little closer, "I don't think I've seen you around here before. Are you new?"

"I'm just visiting." I looked back at the kids.

"Visiting?" She sounded like that word completely mystified her. Like no one ever stopped to just visit. "So you're a traveler."

I shifted the cigarette in my mouth, "Sorta'. Me and some guys are goin' west." Obviously she didn't know anything about the Sanzo party. Why would she? I wondered if these people even knew about the calamity. I guess so, since Feng had talked about it.

"Guys? Other people like us?" Her eyes sparkled. I guess she liked that thought. The more of us there were the better.

"Um. No, actually…" I felt confused again. For whatever reason, I'd never put the other guys in the box of human and youkai. I'd never separated them from me.

That seemed to lose her. "Oh." She was quiet a moment, "They're not…"

"Half-breeds? No. They ain't."

Another long pause, longer than the last one, "Are they youkai or human?"

What was this girlie getting at? "What difference does it make?"

"I just haven't met very many people like us hanging around with people like that."

I looked around at all the half-breeds around me. "Yeah? Well, I guess not everyone knows about Feng's little union up here in the middle of fucking nowhere."

"Feng?" She sounded happy. "You met Feng?"

"You could say that."

"Isn't he wonderful?"

"I wouldn't go as far as wonderful. I guess he was okay, aside from being a perfect asshole." She didn't seem to know how to deal with that either, so she took a while to ask, "So these guys you travel with…where are they? Did you leave them or did they leave you?"

I looked at her, actually a little startled. "What? Neither. We…got separated."

The girl nodded, but I didn't think she believed me. "So you're going to go find them?"

"Probably." I was starting to feel annoyed, and I wished she'd cut to the chase.

Then she cocked her head, "I'm sorry for asking so many questions, but I'm curious. Why do you stay with them?"

"I don't get it. What do you mean?"

"I mean, don't they treat you bad?"

Treat me bad? I thought about the others for a moment. Sanzo was an asshole to me, but Sanzo was sort of an asshole to everyone. Hakkai was a nag sometimes, but he did a lot for me, and more and more, as time went by, I realized I was counting on him, in case something ever went really wrong and I couldn't hack it. Goku was an empty-headed kid, but believe it or not his heart was probably bigger than his stomach, and I don't think he'd ever had even one bad thought about me. Kappa and lechy cockroach were about as far as his insults went.

"No." I said at last. "They don't."

She wrinkled her nose, so I added, "Don't think I'm spoiled. It's not like I've never been treated bad for what I am."

"I didn't think so—everyone here has some story to tell." I didn't have to look at her to know she was studying my face, probably thinking about my scars. "Um. So anyway. I'm Lei."

"I'm Gojyo." I muttered. I should have been thrilled this girl was showing so much interest in me. I should have been thinking that this guaranteed me company and a warm bed for the night. I wasn't thinking any of that. I hardly knew what I was thinking.

"Gojyo. I like that. It's cute."

I snorted. "Cute?"

Lei was quiet again. "I'm sorry, am I bothering you?"

"Not really."

"You seem angry."

Angry. Was I angry? I didn't feel angry or annoyed or anything. I didn't feel happy or excited or interested. I didn't feel anything. If anything, I just felt…

"I feel like I'm in a dream." A second later I realized I'd said it out loud.

Lei nodded knowingly, "A lot of people feel that way when they first come here. For a lot of us, after seeing so much hate and prejudice in the world, it's hard to accept that a happy world like this one really exists. You'll get used to it, I promise."

I didn't know if I'd be around long enough to get used to it. But then again, what was there to call me away from this place. I belonged here, right? Just another half-blood with a bad past who didn't want to talk about it. It was like some massive group therapy town for people like me. Why shouldn't I hang around? Make some loser half-breed friends, marry some loser half-breed girl like Lei and toss our issues into a pot to stir them around.

"Anyway." Lei seemed to take my silence as an invitation to continue, "Um, if you want, I can show you around town, introduce you to some people. Help you figure things out."

I looked at her. She was biting her lip and she looked hopeful.

"If you want." She repeated.

Show me around? Sure? Why the hell not? Then I could really start to appreciate this place for what it was, maybe start to like it. Maybe even start to care. Then I'd never want to leave.

Again, I directed my attention to the playground. "So Feng doesn't let humans or youkai into this place. What about all these kids? What about their parents?"

"Most of them were found wandering alone—their parents either abandoned them or died."

That was probably something I should have known or assumed.

"They're happy here." She said, like I cared, "They're safe."

Good for them. I couldn't remember much of how I'd spent my childhood after Jien took off—wandering alone, I guess. Maybe that was a really common thing for people like us.

"People adopt them?"

"Sometimes."

I wondered how that worked. I mean, if everybody here had a past just like mine, how would they even know what to do with a kid? I sure wouldn't. "I'd make a shitty dad." I muttered, mostly to myself. I never had a dad, how the hell would I even know how to be one? Act like Sanzo with Goku? Beat my kid with a goddamn paper fan every time he asked for food? The thought made me laugh a little. "Forget it."

Lei studied me a while, a confused look on her face. At last she said, "Do you want me to show you around or not?"

"What, right now? I'm in the middle of trying to take this all in. It's weird, you know?"

She nodded, "I understand. We all have to deal with the same things here."

What a strange, fucking thing to say. She sounded like she thought she knew what I was talking about, but it hit me suddenly that none of these people had any idea what my life had been like. It was stupid for them to assume it had been just like theirs.

"Then you're lucky to live here, huh?" I started to walk away. I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't really care. There just had to be something…

Lei sounded uncertain as she called after me. "Don't you want a tour?"

"Maybe later." If I was still here. If I didn't just take my monkey and get lost.

I sort of thought she'd follow me and keep on asking painful questions and bugging me. Not that it would have been a big deal—she was damn cute. A touch too talkative, but sexy still. Anyway, she didn't come after me, and when I looked over my shoulder she was gone.

For a while I wandered through the village, still trying to come to grips with what I was seeing. Trying to convince myself that this happiness was for real.

Eventually, I just wound up sitting down on the side of the river to think. Across the way, there were more houses and more happy people. They smiled and waved and called across to me. I just snapped my wrist at them in what was almost a wave, then I stared at the water. My reflection was there, staring back at me with red eyes. Maybe I should really stay here. Like really do it. Maybe I should accept Lei's offer and start hanging out with her and see where this went. Maybe this was where the journey west ended for me. At least then I wouldn't have to put up with Sanzo's bullshit anymore. Or Hakkai's nagging. Or Goku's complaining.

No more of that crowded, little Jeep.

My thoughts were interrupted when something smacked me in the side of the head. "Owe!" I turned around, furiously, half expected to see one of the guys there. Instead there was a big, blue ball just sitting there. I had to stare at it a moment to understand what had just happened.

"Sorry Mister!" A kid ran up to me—the same little guy I'd seen on the playground. The one who kinda' looked like me. "That's mine."

Rubbing my head, I picked it up and tossed it to him, "Watch where you throw that thing."

He grinned.

I went back to staring at the water.

A second later I realized he was still there.

I turned to him, blowing some smoke from my nose, "Somethin' I can help ya' with, kid?"

"You look like somebody I know."

I blinked at that. "That right? Who would that good-looking stud be?"

"My big brother, Seiji."

"Brother huh? He live around here too?"

"No."

"He a youkai?" That would be just too weird.

"He was like us…but…he died a long time ago. Before I came here." He lowered his eyes.

I felt myself starting to care again, and I couldn't get over how much he looked like me.

Jien didn't die…

Frustrated, I shook the thought away. "Sorry to hear that kid. How'd that happen?"

The kid shrugged, but he wouldn't look at me, "Some humans killed him. I dunno' why. Seiji hated fighting."

Just another loser half-breed with a tough break. "Sorry." I mumbled. I really was sorry too—maybe it was just because I felt some connection with this kid, because I knew what it was like to lose a brother.

Jien didn't die, but he did disappear…

"'Sokay. I'm here now, an' wherever Seiji is, he's happy too."

What a little optimist. I just smiled.

"Anyway, my name's Deshi." He stuck out his hand.

I put my cigarette in my mouth and humored the kid, "Gojyo."

"Cool name." He sat down next to me, "You gonna' live here, Gojyo?"

I looked at him, still caught up in how much of myself I saw in him. His hair was a little shorter than mine had been at that age, just a little below his ears, and it was more out of control. His eyes were brighter too. Maybe he wasn't kicked around like I was. Maybe Seiji took it all for him. He had some goggles on top of his head.

"Don't know yet."

"Where'd ya' come from anyway?"

"Back east."

"Yeah? What're ya' doin' out here?"

"Goin' west."

Deshi nodded vigorously, like that all made sense to him. I got the feeling he was just happy to be talking to me. I wondered just how much I looked like Seiji. "You've prob'ly seen some cool shit, huh?"

I thought about what I had seen in the last year, and I didn't think it was really all that cool. "Yeah, some of it wasn't too bad."

"I saw ya' talkin' to Lei." The kid clipped right along. He was starting to remind me of Goku. "Lucky guy."

"Yeah. What's lucky about that?" Maybe Lei was the prettiest girl in the town and I'd made a big mistake not going with her.

"Lei doesn't talk to anybody." Deshi said, all self-important, the way kids get when they tell ya' something, "None of the guys anyway. She's been here three years, and she always says no to anybody who tries ta' ask her out. It's really weird, 'cause there's lotsa' girls here but not a lotta' boys."

"I noticed that. Why is that?"

Deshi shrugged, "I dunno'."

Of course. Why would he know? Deshi didn't look a day over eleven.

I thought about what Lei had told me again, "Where're your parents, Desh?"

"Dead. They both died when I was little—Seiji took care of me. Well, until he died too."

This kid had seen a lot of loss in his life. I'd better watch it. He was the type to be clingy. Even giving him the time of day was probably a mistake.

Deshi jumped up suddenly, "I've gotta' go, but is it cool if I hang out with you later?"

I nodded before thinking about it, and then I couldn't take it back, so I answered lamely, "Yeah, sure. Come find me."

The kid looked like I'd totally made his day; like I was taking him to the candy store for free or something. "Cool. See ya' later!" He ran off, taking the ball with him.

Just awesome. That was the second person I'd said I'd meet up with later, and I still didn't even know if I was going to stay here. Maybe I needed to go find Goku and scram before I got involved with someone else.

I got up and headed back toward the main road, walking a little faster than before and keeping my eyes open for Goku. I wondered where he'd be hiding. Somewhere with food probably. Yeah, he was probably down in the market, changing hearts and minds of all the youkai hating people. They probably all thought he was the neatest thing since ever by now. He had that kind of personality—so friendly, you couldn't help tolerating his stupidity.

He was a good kid though. I'd miss him if I stayed here.

"I ain't stayin' here." I told myself.

The sun was starting to set now. In a mountain town like this it was going to get dark really fast. The streets were clearing out, and I saw a lot of people eating dinner in their houses. It was peaceful here. I bet no youkai attacked. No humans came here. Nothing to disturb the peace. No one even knew this place existed, and if they found it, Feng and his little gang killed them. Complete and total isolation. I guess the only way people even made their way here was because they found out about it through word of mouth.

As I was walking I saw the old cripple again, still sitting on his porch smoking, staring at me.

"Night Jii-san." I called.

"Jii-san." He snorted. Then, "Don't be rude—come introduce yourself properly."

I hesitated and looked at him, "What, me?"

He snorted again, "Not too bright, I see."

"Hey old man, don't-"

"Just c'mere. I won't bite."

I sighed. Great, what was with this guy? Everyone I met here was so damn friendly, and so frickin' weird. Whatever. I started up the steps toward him, stood there, trying to figure out what he could possibly want. He looked like he was ancient—seventy at least—and his red eyes had cataracts. His white hair was pulled into a tight ponytail and he had a little goatee. He could be me in fifty years. His upper body looked pretty strong, but his legs were thin, and he had some crutches leaning nearby.

"What's up, pops? Lookin' for a new boyfriend?"

"Young people today." He shook his head. "They don't even know how to be friendly."

"You're telling me you called me up here just to say hey?"

"You could say so. Sit down, kid."

"I ain't a kid." Damn. I sounded like the friggin' monkey now. After a second, I pulled myself up onto the railing.

He cleared his throat, "My name is Hu." Then he waited.

No more damn introductions today, please. "Gojyo."

"Gojyo, I've been watching you all day—"

"With cataracts like those? It's a wonder you can see your hand in front of your face."

Hu frowned, "I can see better than most, punk, don't doubt it."

Obviously he wasn't talking about physical sight.

"You're a traveler, am I correct?"

"That's right. From the west." I'd humored everyone else today. I could humor this guy too. For a while.

"Interesting. It's been a long time since we had anyone new here."

"I'm not really new. In fact, I'm not sure I'm even staying at all."

"I thought not. You don't look like the type who would—you're a gambler, aren't you? A rogue. You've been a drifter forever, and you're content to die that way."

"I never thought of myself as a drifter, gramps. Anyway, you don't know anything about me."

"Maybe I do. I was young once too."

That had to be a million years ago. I still couldn't figure out what this old bat was after from me. Just to talk? Did he invite every stranger up for a personal introduction? "Look, I don't know what you want, but I've got some friends I gotta' meet up with, so-"

"What are you afraid of, Gojyo? Being responsible? Getting attached? Or are you just scared to death of being happy?"

"What?"

"You're running away, am I right?"

This was getting weird. Not to mention annoying. "I don't run."

"You were born to run. It's what half-breed mutts like us do. There's nothing better for us, am I right?"

He was right. I had always thought he was right. Even when I moved into the house where Hakkai and I lived I had never expected it to last. Nothing before that had ever lasted, why should that? Why shouldn't I have to leave that place some day, just like every other place? I sighed, "I don't know what you're getting at."

"Then maybe you should listen." He sucked some smoke from his pipe and blew it into the wind, took a heavy breath before saying, "There are less than a hundred of us now, and we all have our sad story to tell. People who have been abandoned and lost, shut out and abused all their lives. People who want nothing more than to escape their miserable fate and find solitude with others who understand them.

"I'm the town elder: I was here when Tratto established this haven, and I'll likely die soon, but I make it a point to meet everyone who comes through here. Some stay, make a life and find peace. Others can't bring themselves to do that, and so they move on, looking for something else, somewhere else. Either way, I have an aptitude for understanding the hardships of others."

"So good for you."

"I see you're confused: you don't understand the beauty of what you've found, and you certainly don't understand what this place is. Many broken people have found normalcy here, a sanctuary from the world that persecutes them.

"Ah, but not you. With your restlessness and your anger and your grief, why should you believe a place like this could ever fix you? I see the pain in your eyes, exposed under the moonlight, as if walking these very streets is like staring long and hard into a mirror." He smiled again, "Upon my word, I've never met such an unhappy, pathetic young man."

I slid off the railing, feeling a little indignant and a little exposed, "That's a stupid thing to say. How can you have known so many pathetic people and decide the first second you see me that I'm the saddest person you've ever met. Look at me. Do I look sad?"

He blew some more smoke and I felt impatient.

"Everyone here has a shitty past, just like you said. Everybody's been kicked around."

"There's a difference between abuse and heartbreak, boy."

My face burned a little, "Look, I dunno' who you are, what it means to be the town elder or whatever, but I ain't no stinkin' kid, and no one's ever broken my heart."

"They must have. Why else would you be running from the one thing that's ever made you feel like you belong?"

"This is stupid. I'm not gonna' stick around and listen to you try an' talk me into stayin' in this pathetic place."

"Pathetic? What makes this place pathetic? What makes us pathetic? The very fact that you still can't accept who you are is a testament to how very sad you are, boy. Like a dwindling flame, flickering one last time before the night."

Some day the world will blow you out.

"I ain't sad." I said gruffly, starting to leave, "See ya' later, Jii-san."

He grabbed my arm suddenly.

I snapped my head around to glare at him.

"I wouldn't expect to try to talk a warrior into staying here—I've never been a warrior, Gojyo, but I have wisdom. Please, listen to it. Don't run away from the people who understand you best."

I laughed bitterly, "Right. What makes you think any of you bastards understand me?"

"Believe me. I know how it feels when someone you love tries to kill you."

I opened my mouth to snap at him, but the words died inside my mouth, and I just stood there, mouth hanging open like an idiot. Staring.

"I see a reflection of myself in your eyes, Gojyo. I see a reflection of my own grief."

"You. Who the hell are you?"

"Just an old fart who's going to die soon." He smiled at me. "Think about what I said."

He let my arm go and I practically stumbled down the stairs, couldn't stop staring at him, couldn't get his words out of my brain.

Goku was suddenly right there, "There ya' are. I've been lookin' all over for ya'."

He startled me so bad, I actually jumped.

"You alright? Ya' look sorta' weird."

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. What about you?"

"Naw, I'm okay. I went ta' the market. Man, they have some amazing food here."

I looked back up at Hu, but he was gone. "They've got lotsa' weird stuff here."

"Nn. Maybe. It wasn't really weird though, just sorta' different. I dunno' how ta' describe it. Anyway, what's goin' on with you? Where'd ya' go?"

"Me. I." I pushed the hair back from my eyes, "I don't really know what's goin' on with me." Even as I was talking, I started to wander away.

"Where ya' goin' now?"

"Just…to find somebody. I said I'd see her later."

"A girl? Ya' found a girl already?"

"Yeah." Hopefully if I was with a girl for a while I could get this weird feeling out of my mind. I could just go back to being Gojyo.

"Oh. Hey, sure you're okay? You're actin' kinda' funny."

"Of course. I'm fine. I'll catch up with you later, buddy. Hang tight."

"You look like the one that needs ta' hang on tight, Gojyo."

Hakkai

I was driving faster than usual—in fact, probably faster than I should have been, considering the treacherously narrow, mountain road we were on—but I felt compelled to keep my foot on the accelerator. I didn't know if it was because I was in a hurry to find the others, or because I was unconsciously trying to escape from the person sitting directly behind me, eyes boring into me relentlessly.

"You're sure this is taking us the right way?" Sanzo demanded. He'd asked several times, and I saw that he still had his gun out, clenching it like he expected to have to use it. I could hardly blame him. Just because Jade Asahara had promised to hold off on her vow to kill him didn't mean she necessarily would. She was sitting calmly in the back seat with her feet propped up, as if she belonged there, but she was just as dangerous as she'd ever been.

As before, Sanzo was answered by a smooth, confident, "Of course."

"We've been driving a long time." I said, glancing in the rearview mirror at her.

It was somewhat disconcerting to see that those demonic green eyes were already looking at me, "It's only been three hours." She snorted. "Another mile and we'll see the other end of the cave."

"And if they're not there?"

For the first time, she seemed annoyed, "It is not my fault your friends got themselves involved with a cave-in. If they aren't there you'll have to decide what to do on your own."

I couldn't argue with that.

Again, I tried to return my focus to the road, but I felt strange, and had been feeling that way ever since we'd started driving. It was a difficult emotion to pinpoint exactly, a feral, crazed feeling, deep inside, like some monster were lurking in my heart, looking for an opportunity to take over my mind and body. I tried to push it away, but each time I did, it only seemed to come back, stronger than ever.

We drove on in silence for a few more minutes before I saw the road split off ahead of us, one path leading further up the mountain, and the other winding around a curve and taking a route even more narrow and ill-maintained than the one we were on now.

"There." Asahara said calmly. "That road will take us to the cave."
I stopped Jeep on the side of the road and looked further down the path. It seemed to be leading directly down into the ravine, the road was rocky and overgrown with weeds, the treebranches stitched together overhead to create a tunnel. I didn't see any sign of Gojyo or Goku like I'd hoped to.

"Well." I sighed, "I guess we'd better start looking. It's going to be dark soon."

We all got out and Jeep transformed, settling himself on my shoulder as I began to lead the way down the road, Sanzo right beside me.

The road was a little steeper than it looked, and I had to be careful not to take a misstep on one of the many rocks littering the path. "Do you think they'll be there?" I asked softly.

"Who knows." Sanzo lit a cigarette, but I could see from his expression that he wasn't as apathetic as he looked.

"They'd better be." I looked up at the sky. It wasn't very late in the day, but already the shadows were long and deep, the craggy walls around us making it darker faster. "I doubt the two of us will be able to get that much farther without them."

He didn't answer that. I knew he hated for anything to threaten this mission we were on, and right now we had enough threats to deal with without being short two whole members.

The walk down to the cave only took ten or fifteen minutes, but it seemed like it took half an hour, and by the time I saw the broad, dark mouth of the cave eating through the face of the mountain, I was feeling half-mad with worry and the wild emotions in me seemed even stronger.

Jade hung back as Sanzo and I approached the cave and looked inside. It was horribly dark, and there was a cool, musty breeze blowing out from somewhere. I listened carefully for any sign of our lost friends, but the whole mountain seemed utterly still.

Beside me, Sanzo cocked his gun. I couldn't imagine why—it was clear we were quite alone.

Just for good measure, I called into the blackness, "Gojyo?" My voice trembled and echoed back at me. "Goku?" But there was no answer.

Jeep suddenly lifted off my shoulder and flapped back the way we'd come, maybe frightened of the echo.

I cupped one hand around my mouth. "Gojyo. Goku."

Nothing. Not one thing. My head was starting to pound a bit, the emotions inside me raging and swelling to the surface.

"Gojyo! Goku!"

And now my heart was hammering too. They might be dead—my friends could be dead—they might have gotten crushed on the other side; their guts might be splattered all over the sand and the stone, in the dark and the damp.

I took a small but desperate step past the threshold of the cave, "Gojyo, Goku! Where are you?"

Sanzo gripped my shoulder rather roughly, "Hakkai. They aren't there."

He was right. I knew he was right, but I couldn't tear myself away. I couldn't simply turn and walk away and just hope they had gotten out okay. I had to know for sure, even if that meant walking all the way back to the other side.

"We have to make sure." I said.

He shook his head. "We don't have time."

"What would you suggest we do then? Proceed on our own? Hope they catch up?"

"If that's what we have to do."

"Don't be absurd. We'll never make it."

"We'll go to the next town and see if they're there; maybe they'll catch up."

"And if they don't?"

"Then we'll go from there." He turned away, obviously intending to go back up to the main road.

I kept staring ahead into the dark.

"Hakkai, come on."

"Go ahead, I'll catch up." I answered icily.

He turned to glare at me, "Don't even, Hakkai. Don't make it that way."

"You're the one making it that way."

"You're acting like a high school girl."

I faced him angrily, "Why? Because I want to make sure they didn't crushed under two tons of rock? Because if they're pinned somewhere I want to help them get free?"

"Those idiots got themselves into this—they can get themselves out."

"I-"

Jeep swept in from above me, cheeping and twittering, started tugging at my sleeve frantically.

"Jeep? What is it?"

He let go and flapped away, hovering at the side of the road. We all looked at him.

"Jeep? Is something wrong?"

Still chirping, he began to fly around in a circle.

Asahara turned her emotionless, eerie gaze on me, "I think he wants you to follow him."

"I know what he wants." I snapped, starting in that direction.

Jeep saw me coming and flew off into the trees.

"We don't have time for this." Sanzo grumbled, but I heard him coming up behind me.

The forest was a little thicker than it looked, and I had to force my way through, shove branches to the side and step over fallen trees. Fortunately, we didn't go too far before the trees cleared out and we came to a sudden slope that led down into an even thicker patch of trees. The sun was setting, and the valley below us was almost dark.

Jeep flew forward, turning back to look at me, as if to ask if I were going to follow.

"What does he want?" Sanzo demanded.

"I don't know. Maybe he has an idea where the others are."

"There's nothing out there but wilderness." Asahara told me matter-of-factly. "If your friends are down there it's because a bear took them there."

I didn't want to hear it. I started down the hill, sliding in the loose dirt a bit, and Jeep flew after me. A few moments later, I heard the others come down too.

"This is ridiculous." Sanzo said when he caught up to me. "What would they be doing down here?"

"Jeep's never misled me before." I said confidently.

"Hakkai, you can't understand him. Who knows what he's doing?"

I ignored that. I trusted Jeep, and I believed that if I just followed him, he'd take me to the others.

We reached the bottom of the slope, and I looked around. The trees were tall, the shadows dark and ominous, and still there was nothing but silence. I started to hunt through the bushes for some sign of the others right away, denying the discouragement I was beginning to experience.

Sanzo was hunting too, regardless of what he'd said, but Jade was just standing off to the side, arms folded.

"Both of you have lost your minds." She said decisively. "Your friends are not here."

I was about to retort when my eyes were met with a strange sight. There was a tall stone structure, a bit overgrown with plantlife and somewhat worn from time, standing just in front of me, amidst the trees and bushes. At first I thought it was the ruins of a building, but as I approached, I saw that it extended on either side of me, as far as the eye could see.

"A wall?" Sanzo came and stood beside me.

"So it would seem. But it's an odd place to build one, don't you think? What could possibly be on the other side?"

"Hakkai, look."

I looked where he was pointing, only to see the white, half-burnt butt of a cigarette, bent over to pick it up carefully. "Gojyo…"

"That bastard." Sanzo looked up at the wall. "He must have gone to the other side."

"Goku will be with him then." I didn't mention that he might be dead. I didn't want to think about that.

"Maybe. What I want to know is, why would Gojyo leave it here?"

I looked at him, "You mean, you think he might have left it here as a warning?"

"Could be. We have no idea what's on the other side of this wall."

Jade stepped forward, "Then I suggest we find out." She jumped up and caught a low-hanging branch, pulled herself up and disappeared over the wall.

Sanzo and I stood looking at one another a moment.

"I don't trust her." I said simply.

He shook his head.
"We have no way of knowing if she's working for Ryptcore or not."

"We do have to find those idiots though, as much as it pains me to say it."

"Very well then. It seems we have no choice." I too grabbed the branch and scrambled over the wall, landed beside Jade on the other side.

She had her arms folded. "I heard what you said. It's foolish not to trust your own ally."

"Forgive me for not apologizing, but you did swear to kill Sanzo."

She grinned suddenly, eyes glowing even brighter, then she leaned forward so that her face was just centimeters from my own, "You speak with such elegance and certainty, Cho Hakkai, but I know better. You are not the peaceful diplomat you seem—deep inside you, the heart of a monster devours your sanity, little by little. You are a killer like I am."

I didn't like the words at all. They were too close to the things I'd always thought of myself, and I wanted to shake them away; instead, there was a sudden rush of violence that filled my head, and I wanted nothing more than to attack her. The wild feeling was worse than ever, and I thought I might lose control.

I glared at her, thinking of how good it would feel to shred her with my claws.

Sanzo dropped down behind me, mumbling curses and complaining that he'd torn his robes. "Oy. Hakkai? What's going on here?"

"Nothing." I snapped, fighting to control the deranged feeling inside me. "Let's keep moving."

I took the lead, forcing my way through the bushes around me, shoving tree branches out of the way and stepping over logs. The forest was dense, trees growing close together, with shrubs and weeds filling the gaps between them, and the canopy overhead was thick enough to make the woods unusually dark. I plowed through it all as carefully and quietly as I could, but in my mind, I wanted to scream. Jade was so close beside me, I could practically feel her breathing on my neck, and her words were ringing in my ears.

More and more, I was feeling like I was losing control.

We'd been walking for a while now, me lost in my thoughts. I didn't understand where we were going—deeper and deeper into some woods in the middle of nowhere—and I didn't quite understand why either. Because there happened to be a wall out here in the wilderness didn't necessarily mean we should climb it and find out what was on the other side. My only hope was that we'd find the others out here somewhere.

When we'd been going in the same direction for a while, I began to hear things coming from up ahead. Voices mostly, and a lot of them. Laughing, talking, shouting even. I heard the calls of various animals as well: cows, goats, cats and dogs and even horses—and I could smell them.

"What in the world…?"

The forest started to lighten up, the trees more spread out, the brush more controlled, like it had been cleared out by someone. I could hear running water, and smell it too. A heavy scent of smoke and wood was in the air.

On the other side of me, Sanzo had his gun out, and he was moving stealthily. Jade seemed to shift back and forth through the shadows like a phantom. I was on my guard as well, keeping low to the ground and hugging trees and trying to stay out of the sudden rays of light cascading down through the canopy.

The voices and the sounds were getting louder, the scents stronger, and still there was no sign of Gojyo and Goku.

Then, all at once, the three of us emerged from the woods and found ourselves in a large, sweeping clearing where a small town had been erected. I stood, astounded, between the other two, staring at the town and marveling that any such community would be existing out here in this manner. It was utterly surrounded by forest, the mountain peaks looming over it, and it appeared completely isolated, and yet I saw herds of cows—dairy and otherwise—stables, streets, carts, a marketplace, buildings under construction, yards and parks and paths, and streetlights, and more or less everything a town needed to function. It was very lively too, with people walking and talking, pushing carts and trying to sell things, minding children and buying things, building things and relaxing on their front porches.

"A village." I murmured, somewhere between surprise and simple observation.

"Not just a village." Sanzo added.

"Yes, I noticed it too. They're all-"

I heard shouting. A man who'd been tending a garden a few hundred yards from us seemed to have suddenly noticed we were there and was running at us, yelling and waving his rake, threateningly.

Soon joining him were others; more men, running up out of the streets, climbing down from the rooftops they were patching, emerging from houses, all taking up weapons of some sort and charging us. In no time, there were over a dozen of them.

"I see they have a warm welcome planned for us." I said, still deciding if I should feel concerned or not.

"We will put them in their place." Jade said lazily.

Sanzo held his gun tightly, but retorted, "We didn't come here to fight, we came to find those two idiots and leave."

I kept watching the men running at us, noticed some of them had some rather serious weapons: swords and knives and even a few guns. "That may not be possible, Sanzo."

He didn't answer.

Jade stood a few seconds more with us, and then she turned, without warning, and disappeared back into the woods. I didn't waste a moment watching her go, and I don't think Sanzo did either. We were lucky to be rid of her, no matter what became of us here.

In a matter of moments, we were surrounded. The villagers circled around us, as if they were trained to do that, trapping us in the middle, and stood at the ready, weapons in hand, just waiting to spill blood.

I glanced around at them, "What now, Sanzo?"

"We ask about Goku and Gojyo; if they're here, we take them and go. If not, we move on."

"Yes, but, we may not be allowed to-"

"Human or youkai?" A man demanded, shoving what seemed to be a spear at us.

We traded looks.

"What's it matter?" Sanzo sneered back at him.

The man snorted. "It doesn't. Drop your weapons."

"Why should we?"

Suddenly it felt like every weapon they held was aimed at Sanzo, in one way or another, and the man said darkly, "Because you're surrounded."

"It is difficult to argue with that." I allowed. Then I held my hands out, fingers spread wide, to show I wasn't holding anything, "Excuse us, I realize it's rude to barge in like this, but we're looking for a couple of our friends, who we have reason to believe might have come here; once we're reunited with them, we'd be happy to get out of your hair."

"Where is your other companion?" The man asked, like I hadn't said a word, and he scanned the tree line behind us.

"Companion?"

"There was a third person with you. Where did she go?"

"Ah. I haven't the slightest idea. Now then, perhaps if you'd-"

The man pounded the butt of his staff into the ground, "Enough! Take them to the square! Feng will decide what's to be done with them."

Again, Sanzo and I looked at each other. "The square?"

"Hell. We haven't got much choice." Sanzo tucked his gun away, and we were marched away, down from the tree line and into the town. I walked beside him wordlessly.

Even the two of us could likely fight our way out of here, if we needed to, but in the grand scheme of things, that wouldn't get us anywhere. Not if we wanted to find Gojyo and Goku.

The town itself was remarkable, and I could scarcely believe the things I was seeing as they led us through the town. By all accounts the town looked normal: stone houses with little gardens and wooden porches, dirt streets lined with grass and flowers, shops with merchandise in the windows and signs hanging over the doors. Trees and a stream, goats and cows, chickens and horses, even a town square with a statue of a proud man standing up tall, chest thrown out like he was setting out to conquer some new world. The inscription read Tratto: Leader of the Sad Ones.

It was the people who were odd: everyone around me had the same bright crimson hair and eyes. They were staring at us, and I saw faces full of fear, some marked with wonder. Others seemed disgusted. Everyone was whispering. It was a strange thing to discover. So many people of a taboo heritage.

Over and over I thought I saw Gojyo in the crowd, but when I looked twice it was someone I didn't know, and most of the time it was a woman.

"Half-breeds. Every one of them." I murmured, twisting my neck around again, just to make sure.

"Great. One's bad enough." Sanzo sighed.

Our procession came to a stop in the square, where it appeared many of the people had gathered, and we stood beneath the shadow of the proud, victorious statue.

A man was standing there, with a pair of guards flanking him. He was tall and muscular and looked older than most of the people around us—fifty or so—and the way he stood and looked at us, and the way the others looked at him, made me feel he must be in charge here. He spoke in a soft, but deep voice, "Tresspassers. Explain yourselves: why have you come to this reservation?"

"Reservation?" I looked around again, still certain I'd find Gojyo somewhere in the crowd, smirking back at me. I only saw unfamiliar, horrified faces. "So then, am I to understand that only half-blood people live here?"

"What does it look like, kid? Explain yourselves. Are you human or youkai?"
"It doesn't really matter, does it?" Sanzo sounded tremendously bored.

The man smiled viciously, "I don't know where you think you are, sir, but in case you haven't noticed, in this world, there's little else that does matter. Now answer me; human or youkai?"

"One of each." I said brightly. "We'll leave it to you to decides which is which."

He scoffed, "You both reek of blood."

I kept right on smiling, never letting on how those words made me flinch inside. "We've both traveled a long ways and faced many difficulties. Perhaps the blood you're smelling is our own."

The man didn't seem impressed.

"And you." Sanzo interrupted. "Who are you? What did you bring us here for?"

Instead of replying, the man gave Sanzo a fierce stare, "In my village, I answer to no one. Disarm them and take them to the jail. I'll deal with them in the morning." With that, he turned away.

"Wait." I took a step forward, just as some of the men were approaching to frisk me, "We didn't come to disrupt your lifestyle, we're looking for two of our companions. We thought they may have stumbled across this place by mistake—as we did."

He didn't seem even remotely interested, and Sanzo was reaching for his gun, so I added, "One of them is like you."

The leader stopped and half faced me again, "What do you mean by that, boy? Like me."

"You know perfectly well what I mean." I said coolly, even as the soldiers were gripping my arms.

"What? A half-blood freak?"

"Oh, not at all. A half-blood yes, but not a freak at all. It must be a different person. So sorry to have bothered you." I shot him my most insolent smile.

He studied me carefully. "I may have seen them. Did this half-blood companion of yours have a youkai with him?"

"Last we were aware of he did."

Now he was facing me fully, and the square was utterly quiet. I tried to read his expression but couldn't make any sense of what he was thinking, "Tell me more about this half-blood companion of yours."

Just what was he getting at, making me describe Gojyo to him? How many children of Taboo would be traveling with a full-blooded youkai these days? "My half-blood friend is my age and several inches taller than I am, with distinctive scars on his cheek, and he smokes a disgustingly excessive amount. You'd know him if you met him: he has a most abrasive attitude."

"Hn. That I can agree on."

"Then you did see them?"

"I did." He nodded slowly. "They're tresspassers, like you, and we have very strict laws here concerning trespassing."
"So you shot them." Sanzo said stonily.

"We were…persuaded to ignore our policy on tresspassers just this one time."

And that would be because Gojyo was a half-blood; apparently he'd managed to talk them out of killing Goku. Or else the two of them had fought their way out and ran, but I thought the villagers would be a little more outraged if that were the case. Things here seemed peaceful enough.

"Then perhaps I can persuade you to ignore it once again." I suggested.

The man shook his head shortly, "Gojyo is welcome here because he's one of us, and he was able to vouch for his youkai friend and convince me not to kill him, but he's not here to vouch for you, now is he?"

"That's true, I suppose. Is he still around?" It was starting to look like we might have to fight our way out, regardless.

"He might be, he might not be. Either way, I don't have time to look for him; you two will go to the jail, and in the morning I'll decide what to do with you."

That seemed to be the end of our negotiation, because he left without another word, and I turned to Sanzo.

"For now, it may be in our best interest to cooperate."

"Hn. You and I are more than enough to deal with a band of half-breeds; but I don't want to get blood stains on my robe if I don't have to."

"Then we're in agreement."

Sanzo relinquished his gun, much more casually than I expected him to, and we allowed the villagers to tie our hands and escort us to jail.

The jailhouse was a small, shabby shack not far from the square. It was in ill repair, with a leaky roof, boarded up windows, and a door that was falling off its hinges. Apparently it wasn't used very often. We were led in to the dingy, filthy interior and shoved into the one and only cell.

Sanzo scowled at the bucket that was likely expected to serve as our toiled and sank onto the single, tattered cot that was bolted to the wall.

I leaned against the bars and slipped out of my bonds with ease. "Now I suppose we have no choice but to wait for morning."

"Those idiots. Are we really putting our faith in Gojyo of all people?"

I laughed nervously, "Believe me, I don't like it either, but chances are, the two of them are still here somewhere, and they can likely convince these people to let us go free. If not, as you said, we're more than enough to deal with them."

"Half-bloods." He growled. "They're nothing but trouble."

"So it would seem."

"Well at any rate-"
The jailhouse door burst open suddenly, and Goku rushed in. His face was a little flushed from exertion, he was carrying a meat bun, and there was food on his face still, but he looked healthy, if not a little dusty.

"Sanzo! Hakkai!"

"Goku! Thank goodness." I reached through the bars to grip his shoulders, "Are you all right?"

"I'm okay. What about you? Didja' kill that guy?"

"We seem to be doing all right, all things considered. And yes, fortunately, Xiong is dead."

"What happened ta' Jade?"

I hadn't forgotten about the Asahara, but perhaps I'd been blocking her existence from my mind; as soon as Goku mentioned her, I felt disheartened and confused all over again, "She ran out on us when we arrived here. I can't say I'm disappointed."

"What were you thinking anyway?" Sanzo was suddenly right beside me, and it looked like he'd gotten free of his bonds as well. "You almost got yourself killed and then what? You came here for a little vacation?"

Goku grinned a little, but I got the feeling he was worried about something. "Sorry guys. We were gonna' go right away an' look for ya', but then we found this place an' Gojyo wanted ta' hang around an' check it out."

"Of course he did." Sanzo grumbled.

"Where is Gojyo now?" I asked.

"Dunno." Goku shrugged, taking a bite out of his meat bun, "He's been actin' weird since we got here—I ain't seen him in a few hours."

"That's disappointing news." The one man who might be able to get us out of this situation without any bloodshed was probably somewhere making love to a half-blood female for the very first time. How very like him to be thinking only of himself and his carnal desires while the rest of us were in dire straits. "Well," I smiled to myself, "I'll be sure to give him more than a piece of my mind when I see him again."

"Uh, Hakkai?"

I looked down at Goku to see him cringing away nervously, and beside me even Sanzo seemed a bit on edge. I must have been making that face again, the one that none of them seemed to like.

I laughed lightly, "I apologize. Just thinking out loud."

Goku hesitated another uncertain moment, "Anyway, I tried talkin' ta' Feng for ya', but he won't listen to me—he said if I kept pesterin' him he'd lock me in here too—sorry guys, I think you're stuck here for now."

"Yes. Why am I not surprised?"

"But it's okay. I'll try an' find Gojyo an' tell 'im you guys're here, then maybe he can convince Feng ta' let ya' out an' we can go. I dunno' if I like this place. It's nice an' ev'rything, but everybody treats me weird."

"I agree. It would seem that even the children of taboo are not outside the box of racism and prejudice." Arguably though, they had a right to confine themselves in the security of that box.

Goku stayed a little longer to chat with us about what he'd been doing—mostly listing off all the "awesome foods" he'd been eating—and then left to go look for Gojyo, although I had no doubt that he'd get distracted along the way at least several times before actually finding him.

I settled down on the floor to wait. "This could take some time." I mused.

"Hmph. This is all that damn Gojyo's fault to start with."

I couldn't even begin to fathom a rational explanation for why this little mess we were in was Gojyo's fault, so I didn't favor him with a response.

Tiredly, I rubbed my forehead. This wasn't such a problem though. A delay at best—which Sanzo wouldn't be happy about—but it could be easily resolved, even if the village leader wouldn't listen to Gojyo. We'd all learned on this trip that sometimes it just wasn't possible to take the path of least resistance.

We had much bigger problems, like Ryptcore and the Asahara, and of course we likely still had the regular crew of impotent assassins hunting us down. As usual, there was an absurd amount of violence following us, and I hated to think what could happen to this peaceful, little refuge if all those forces happened to collide here.

But even that wasn't a necessary concern of mine. Ryptcore was dangerous, but like any other enemy, we would exploit his weakness and overcome him. It was that woman who troubled me the most, because, to me at least, getting rid of her was not a simple matter of killing. She was already in my head, winding around my brain like a snake and sinking her fangs into my thoughts.

What's so wrong with being a youkai? I asked myself. What's so wrong with living and hunting and fighting and killing? I'd already spilt so much blood, why not spill a little more? Why not be free and wild and do whatever I felt like doing?

I toyed again with my limiter cuff. Take it off, and I'd be plunged into the true nature of a youkai, and I could come back if I wanted to by putting it on again. Lately things had been so frustrating, I thought it might be therapeutic to indulge in that side of myself, just for a little while.

Why not?

These were questions I felt I'd known the answer to not long ago, but now when I thought about them, my mind was left feeling empty and anxious and trapped, and I wasn't sure who I was anymore.

All because of that woman. All because of the way it had felt with her lips against mine.

I must have fallen asleep with those distressing thoughts in my head.

When I awoke, the sky outside was still gray as the sun rose out of the night, and the air was chilly; I felt stiff and sore and uncomfortable. Sanzo was lying on the cot, still sleeping, but he looked even more discontent than usual.

A man was sitting outside the cell with his back against the bars, looking up at the sky and smoking; like everyone here, he had that crimson hair, but his was long, and he was wearing a familiar brown jacket and black, leather pants.

I sat up stiffly, "Gojyo?"

"Hey, Hakkai. Sleep well?"

It was him. I felt a rush of relief. "Ah, no, I'm afraid the floor is a bit cold. And Sanzo snores."

"His holiness? Snore? No way."

"It's about time you showed up." I went on. "Goku told me he didn't know where you were."

"Yeah, it was kind of a weird day yesterday."

"I think we all feel the same way." Just being in this place was strange. "At any rate, do you think you can get them to let us go?"

He turned his head so I could see one crimson eye, "I'll try; I dunno though. The guy runnin' this place is sorta' an asshole. Wanted to kill Goku and everything."

"Yes, I see." That was disappointing too. We might have to spill some blood after all.

The demon inside of me ached to spill blood, and I almost couldn't silence it.

What is happening to me?

Gojyo was still talking, "Who knows though? Maybe he's in a good mood."

And speaking of moods, his seemed very strange. Something about it struck me as being unhappy.

"How are you?"

"Who me? I'm good. Survived the cave in and the militia, and now here I am…"

"I'm glad to hear that." I shifted around to lean against the bars as well, felt their cold steel digging into my back. "You know, I had no idea that anything like this existed in Shangri-La."

"Neither did I. It's beyond weird."

I thought a moment still considering his somewhat heavy tone, and I wondered if maybe he was just feeling confused. "I think it's good though, for the displaced outcasts to have a safe place to come to. Assuming they can find it."

I waited, but Gojyo didn't say a word. He shifted a little and flicked his lighter, even though his cigarette wasn't gone yet.

"At the very least, it's nicer for the children to grow up here than it is for them to roam the streets alone, subject to any form of abuse that might come their way." I spoke knowing I was at risk of crossing boundaries and touching painful memories, even though I wasn't sure what Gojyo's childhood had been like after his brother left him. Once or twice I'd encroached on similar topics, and always I got the distinct sense that there was a reason he didn't discuss it; when I tried to imagine how it might have been it was easy enough to understand why he wouldn't.

A life like that would be dangerous and painful and lonely.

"You're right." I was surprised he said even that much. Still, in those two words I could feel his confusion and desperation and heaviness clearer than ever.

"I apologize, Gojyo. I didn't mean to speak lightly of such an awful thing."

"What? Oh. No big deal, man. The past is the past." He grinned at me, but it seemed shallow and insincere. "Right?"

I found myself touching my limiter cuff again, "Right."

"Anyway, my life hasn't been that bad, has it?"

Being severely abused and then finding yourself orphaned at age twelve seemed a rough life to me. I had never tried to compare my pain to his, because I knew that we were two different cards from the same deck.

"I suppose you decide that sort of thing, my friend."

He went on smoking. Breathed out heavily, "Yeah. Probably. Hey, Hakkai, do I…seem like a sad guy to you?"

It could very well be the oddest question he'd ever asked me, and I wasn't quite sure how to even begin answering it. In all honesty, it felt like another thing that should not have been touched at all, but he was asking, so what could I do? "Sad? Not particularly, you don't seem sad."

"Right."

I lowered my voice, again knowing how dangerously close I was to crossing an invisible line; maybe it wasn't a line he'd mind my crossing so much though, especially if he was going to go asking me things like that. Truly, I felt that the four of us were a sad group of people—we all had our issues, and we all had our defense mechanisms and our way of dealing with things—but I'd be stupid to think ours were the kind of scars that might heal. With scars like ours, we'd all have to be crazy not to be a little sad, or else utterly heartless. Wasn't that why I felt that I could never touch anyone? Why Sanzo didn't like the rain? Why Goku used to be afraid of snow. Wasn't that why Gojyo was acting this way now?

So maybe that line was something I was afraid to cross, because I was afraid of what crossing it meant for me, but I knew I owed Gojyo my life. Four years hadn't changed that in the least.

"But I know you are…"

"I don't think I am. At least, I never thought I was. I guess though, I never really…got over it. I just spent my life looking for different ways to convince myself it didn't happen. Tell myself it wasn't my fault." He sat still a long moment, "Do you think not thinking about something is just another way to run from it?"

He was asking me a lot of hard questions today, things I'd never found the answers to myself, "I think it can be… Everyone has things in their past that are painful, Gojyo, and we all have certain things that can bring those memories to the surface." I thought about Jade and the way she made me remember how much I'd lost. I tried to let it go, even for just a moment. "What your mother did was inexcusable, and you certainly didn't deserve it, so I think it's only natural that you retain a certain level of regret over the fact."

He didn't answer.

"Just don't let it consume you." I warned.

"You neither, Hakkai."

Unsure of what he meant, I turned to face him, saw him looking back at me. Instead of addressing it—because I saw in his eyes what he was referring to—I asked softly, "Are you going to stay here?"

"Stay here? Why would I stay here?"

"Don't pretend you haven't considered it."

"No. Why would I want to stay here?"

"Because this place was built specifically for people like you."

"People like me? Hakkai, I'm just another person."

"What I mean is-"

"I got it. Sad, lonely, little half-breeds." He snorted. "I'm not pathetic, Hakkai. I don't need some oversized group therapy ward to get me through the rest of my life."

"I don't think you're pathetic, I just think…this place is a sanctuary for those who can never find belonging anywhere else."

Gojyo was quiet again, for a while. "Sanzo…wouldn't let me stay."

"I doubt Sanzo would want to waste the effort it would take to even admit that he cared whether you stay or not."

"Yeah, well you guys couldn't make it all the way to India without me."

"We might manage."

"Might."

"Well, it would definitely be more difficult, but I won't be the one to tell you to go with us if you want to stay here."

"So you're tryin' to get ridda' me?"

"No, I…" I suddenly felt a little sad myself, picturing driving away from him, likely never seeing him again. "Do you want to stay here?"

"I never said I did."

"Yes, but, Gojyo. Do you want to?"

He flicked his lighter again. "I don't know." That was sincere. "I honestly don't know."

"It might be best for you."

Gojyo glared at me half-heartedly, "You are tryin' to get ridda' me."

I laughed a bit, but I didn't feel like laughing at all.

We were both quiet a while, sitting back to back, and presently Gojyo sighed, "Hakkai…you an' me…we're not…I mean…we're…"

He didn't finish, and he didn't have to. I knew already what he was trying to say, and I also knew that we could sit here for the rest of our lives and he'd probably never stutter it out, and I didn't know if I could say it myself, simply because I didn't need to. Whether or not Gojyo knew had never mattered before, but when I looked back on my lonely childhood in the orphanage, and even past that, in my years as a wandering teenager, or living in the town with Kanan, my friends had always been few and far between. Those I did have were shallow and worthless, and some of them I couldn't even remember with any sort of clarity; but Gojyo was the first person, other than Kanan, who'd I'd felt any true connection to, and even if I hadn't felt that it was necessary now, I felt the need to express it now. Especially if he were going to stay here and I was going to leave.

"You're the best friend I've ever had." I said quietly, gently.

Suddenly, his arm came through the bars and hooked around my neck. It was a physical demonstration of trust and affection I was familiar with by now, just like I was familiar with the scent of nicotine and tobacco. "Fuck. You're the only real friend I've ever had." He said simply, "Well, other than the monkey."

I smiled to myself, even though every moment that passed I was feeling all the sadder, and for some reason I couldn't help remember the way Banri had left him to die.

"If you do stay here, do you think you'll be happy?"

"Maybe."

"Then you should stay."

He pulled his arm away just as suddenly as he'd put it through, and I heard him stand up. "Yeah…"

"I'll miss you."

Gojyo set his hand on top of my head, but just for a second, "Yeah."

I heard him walk away. "I guess I'll go talk to Feng now, see about getting you guys out."

For the first time I noticed Sanzo was awake, sitting up on his elbows looking at me. I couldn't read his expression.

"Thank-you." I said as casually as I could. "That would be very helpful."

Sanzo and I sat in the jailhouse a while a longer, neither of us saying anything. I considered asking him how much he had heard of the conversation between Gojyo and I, but in the end I wasn't sure I actually wanted to know.

The guard came when the sun had been up a few hours, bringing with him a couple plates of meager food which I picked at reluctantly. For some reason I was wishing it were a slab of bloody meat rather than dry bread and rice, and I couldn't help staring out the window toward the woods, and for some reason I longed to be out there, in the wild, killing and hunting as I pleased.

I shook the thoughts off. All day, I did my best to push them away. Yet they came back to me when I stopped guarding against them, and each time they were a little stronger and a little harder to silence.

When a few hours had gone by, I got up and began to pace, clenching and unclenching my fists, half-hoping I'd feel claws scraping against my palms. Half-wishing some need to fight would arise so I could remove my limiter. Here and again I'd pause beside the window and listen to the sounds of the forest, and imagine stalking through the shadows and the trees, hunting for warmth of blood and flesh.

Sanzo watched me through a veil of smoke. "You seem restless."

"Hm? Oh, I'm just wondering where Gojyo is. He should have been back by now."

"That idiot. He probably forgot what he's supposed to be doing and went home with some random woman."

"I hope not."

Again, I hesitated at the window. Jade the Asahara was out there somewhere. No doubt she was still close, waiting for us to come back from the village. She was likely watching us, even now. I thought of our fight and her hot kiss on my lips, and I felt wilder than ever. I felt the passion and the violence flooding through me. I flicked my limiter.

If Gojyo didn't come back soon we might actually have to break out of here. We might have to fight.

A fight.

I wrapped my fingers around my limiter. Snap it off, easy as that, and I could tear through the walls and break down the bars. I could easily slaughter any half-blood that got in my way. Easy as thinking. All I had to do was take the limiter off. I could put it back on later, but right now…

Gojyo stormed through the door, flinging it open hard enough that it slammed against the wall, and Goku trotted in after him.

Sanzo and I moved to stand at the bars. "Well?" Sanzo asked impatiently.

"Well. Feng's an even bigger asshole than I thought."

"No luck then?" I asked hopelessly.

"Naw. He says he can't trust you."

"Can't trust us? You were supposed to vouch for us, or did you forget, you damn kappa?"

"I did, highness; I argued with him for over an hour, but the guy won't budge."

"Wonder why not." Goku locked his arms behind his head and looked thoughtful.

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because Sanzo showed up packing heat."
Sanzo's eyes narrowed, "More likely because they're a group of dense, control freak half-bloods."

"Either way." I interrupted before they could start fighting. "It does create a problem, being locked in here. I'm sure I don't have to remind anyone that we're on a strict schedule."

"Then what'da' we do?" Goku toyed with the chain on the cell door. "Can't we just bust 'em out?"

"We could." Gojyo agreed darkly. "But it doesn't seem like Feng will just let them go."

"We'd have to fight." I added, but I didn't feel as distressed about that as I should have been. "And as inconvenient as this may be, these people haven't done us any harm."

Goku nodded, "I guess you're right, that wouldn't be very nice. We don't wanna' kill any half-bloods or whatever if we don't hafta'."

"Who doesn't?" Sanzo sneered.

Gojyo gave him a half-hearted look, but said, "I'll try talking to Feng again; if nothing else, I can probably steal the key and sneak you guys out at night."

"Sounds like a plan to me." Goku gave the chain one last tug. "Bustin' 'em out shouldn't be too hard-"

"Just we should avoid it if we can."

There must have been something truly wrong with me, because when the other three seemed perfectly content with the plan, I felt disappointed, and when Goku and Gojyo were gone again, off to fight with Feng some more, I could only stand beneath the window and stare out and fiddle more with my limiter, and by the time the sun was setting, the urge to take it off had swelled so high, I wasn't sure I could fight it any longer.

Jade was out there, being wild and free. How I wished I could be out there too, with her, facing her as an enemy or an ally. Whatever the case may be, I wanted…

Something I couldn't quite describe.

Her voice echoed in my mind.

"I want to see what you look like—your true form."

My true form. The person I was when my power wasn't being controlled. My natural essence.

I may have been human once, but now I was a youkai. I had to except it. Embrace it even. And there was only one way to do that.

"The humans have enslaved you. Don't you want to be free?"

How I did wish to be free. At times, I felt that's all I ever wanted. Free to walk and love and be just as I pleased, to pursue my own dreams and become whoever I wanted. I'd been denied everything I'd ever wanted. Where could I find peace now? Where could I find freedom? In my youkai form at least I could behave however I wanted and not be concerned with concequences.

I reached up, seriously considering unclipping the limiter.

"Hakkai? Is everything all right?"
I noticed Sanzo behind me, and I realized I'd been standing in the same place for…well God knows how long.

"Of course." I answered faintly. "Of course, I'm fine."

But I could feel that dangerous, poisonous kiss still, making me give in, making me turn to my youkai side. Making me want to remove my limiter of my own free will, to be free, as a demon.

After all, that's what I was, and had been even before I killed a thousand youkai. A human with that much potential for murder in his heart was a demon already. He'd have to be to shed so much blood. I'd thought before, as I thought now, that perhaps I'd been born a killer.

"You speak with such elegance and certainty, Cho Hakkai, but I know better."

My head began to ache as I played those words over and over.

"…I know better. You are not the peaceful diplomat you seem…"

No. No, that was true; I was always acting the part of the pacifist—the sensible, level-headed one—but in fact, I may have been the craziest of us all.

"Deep inside you, the heart of a monster devours your sanity, little by little…"

Hadn't I long since felt that monstrous thing inside me, trying to destroy my sanity? Trying to destroy what was left of my human heart? At last I felt like I might be giving in to my true nature.

"You are a killer like I am."

Like all youkai.

"Hakkai." Sanzo called, but he seemed very far away—too far to reach me at any rate.

Now I felt her beside me, sliding in through the window and creeping up beside me. I felt her cool fingers easing up the back of my neck to my ear. I felt the heat of her mouth beside my face, "Why do you hold on so tightly to this farce, my darling? To fight and kill is a beautiful thing."

"You're wrong. It's wrong. Killing…isn't right."

"Do you honestly believe that?" She tapped her claws lightly against my limiter.

It was something I'd doubted once or twice before, but still, I knew it to be true.

"It might be wrong." She murmured, her green eyes glowing, even in the darkness, and she gripped my hand in hers, "But that doesn't mean it isn't beautiful. That doesn't mean you weren't made for it."

Who made such rules anyway?

She kissed me gently on the cheek. "Let me show you."

I moaned and let my head fall forward, nearly falling into her.

With a snap, the first limiter is off.

"Long ago, youkai were made from the earth, just as humans were, only we were made to fight and to hunt—the world's greatest predator—but we were overrun by them, and now they rule us like common beasts."

Her second kiss was sweet as death, linging on my lips, a burning sting. She pulled the second cuff off.

"Wouldn't you want to know? Aren't you even curious to feel how it was once? To be so strong and so independent and free? To govern thyself and let no one else dictate how you live your life?"

Yes. I have long wanted to break free from the pointless rules of society…

I thought I heard Sanzo call my name again, but there was no turning back now.

"Then let me show you, Cho Hakkai." She took my hand and pressed her lips to my knuckles, then lifted my fingers to touch the final golden band that was binding me to my sanity. "For you will never find that freedom in your human life—that violence and glory exists only for we youkai, and you're only denying yourself the greatest pleasure our kind can ever know. Now…"

I gripped the final limiter.

Sanzo was right behind me, all but yelling at me, demanding what I was doing. But it was too late.

"Foolish human."

Snap.

The last cuff was off. It was a sparkle of yellow as it fell to the floor.

Deep inside me, I felt the change: a ripping and tearing of the soul, a stretching of flesh and a pounding in my head. My teeth and fingernails itched and my muscles rippled. I may have screamed. I might not have. It was hard to remember everything in the midst of the transformation. But I knew there was a flash of brilliant, forest green, and then smiling, polite, human Hakkai fell away, and only I was left. A brutal, dark shape.

"Hakkai!"

Sanzo grabbed my shoulder, "What are you-"
I struck him just hard enough to send him flying across the room, and I barely cared. Break every bone in his body. What did it matter? I was a youkai, free to do as I wished with this human. Free to do whatever I wanted.

A smile curved on my lips and I flexed my long, sharp claws.

Yes. This was true power. This trembling inside and out, this charge of energy flooding through me and coursing through every vein. Not everyone got to experience this.

I raised my hand and smashed through the wall of the jail, letting in the sweet smells of the forest and of the rain in, opening up my dark, closed off little world into a new one. One with a shining, bright future, and a promise of bloodshed and freedom just within my reach.

It was as easy as busting through Styrofoam.

Let's see a human do that.