Chapter Seventeen: Take Me or Leave Me
Disclaimer: I do not own RENT.
"Oh, my God, my stomach doesn't feel right," I complain as Joanne leads me to my doo-er, Buzzline. For some reason, Maureen feels the need to accompany us. Personally, I think she's just afraid that we'll get sick of her blatant cheating and seek solace in each other. Of course, unless Joanne is bi that's just not going to happen, but paranoia is never rational. Speaking of, I think Roger might have poisoned me in a vain attempt to 'save' me from selling out. Of course, whether this is my paranoia or his is really up for debate.
"You'll be fine," Joanne said dismissively, clearly showing just how much she wants to jump me. Or so I just know Maureen is suspecting.
"Is what I'm wearing okay?" I ask nervously. "Does this look right?" I've never really had a job interview, or contract-negotiation, really, before.
"Yeah, you look really good," Maureen interrupts Joanne's attempts to reassure me, probably convinced that anything nice Joanne says to me will increase our chances of finding love together. "Do you think this belt is too much, though?" Oh, and also because Maureen is not physically capable of going thirty seconds without trying to draw attention back to herself and she IS the extraneous one here since I'm the client and Joanne is my representative.
"I can't do this," I decide, turning around and heading back to the apartment. Or trying to, anyway. "I can't do this."
Joanne grabs on to my arm and turns me back around. "Yes, you can. I'll do all the talking," she promises. Wow, she sure is being nice to me AND she agreed to represent me for free. I guess it's because this is All Maureen's Fault. And also because she doesn't want that footage I have of her drunk out of her mind from New Year's to get out. It's what she gets for getting drunk around a known serial cameraman, really.
"What are you doing?" I ask as Joanne fixes my tie.
"Stop fussing," Maureen demands, annoyed, pulling Joanne away from me. "We're late." Wow, that's got to be the first time Maureen has ever cared about that. Ever. Usually she just expects the world to wait around for her. It's funny how SHE'S the jealous one this time, but I just know that it's not going to end well. At all.
"Oh my God, look at this place," I say disgustedly, staring up at the skyscraper we're about to enter.
"Yeah, it's Corporate America," Joanne the Ivy-League-Lawyer is insensitive to my plight. "Welcome."
Joanne walked authoritatively off the elevator acting like she owned the place. Maureen followed, eyeing all her potential new flirt-buddies and I trudged along, wishing I could disappear. "Hi," Joanne said.
"Hi," Maureen echoed needlessly.
"We're here to see Alexi Darling," Joanne explained to the blonde receptionist.
"Your name, please?" she asked professionally.
"Joanne Jefferson and Mark Cohen," Joanne replied.
"And Maureen Johnson," Maureen added softly, pointing at the receptionist's appointment book.
"Maybe you should wait out here," Joanne suggested hesitantly, knowing that that wouldn't go over too well.
Maureen shot a surprised glance at me, then smiled uncertainly at Joanne. "But-But I'm the one who-" Who did what? Held the performance that the riot I filmed was for? That doesn't really require she be present for my contract negotiation.
"We don't want to come on too strong," Joanne said seriously. I wonder why Joanne even let Maureen come along and run the risk of her causing a scene if she wasn't going to let her come into the actual meeting. Plus, this is really kind of embarrassing for Maureen. And an embarrassed Maureen is a vengeful Maureen.
"Alexi, Joanne Jefferson and Mark Cohen here to see you," the receptionist said, breaking up the tension. It appears the issue of whether or not Maureen was going in was decided for us.
"Okay, fine," Maureen conceded, smiling at the receptionist. She raised her eyebrows. "Whatever."
The receptionist had a frozen smile on her face, clearly having no idea what she was in for.
Still, it was no longer my concern, this meeting with Alexi was.
"How much did I LOVE your footage?" Alexi gushed. "So much," she answered. Apparently, that was rhetorical, which was good as I honestly had no idea how much she loved it. Enough to harass me about working for her? "It reminded me of my Berkley days," she explained. "Fighting the good fight. Kudos. Kudos."
"Thank you," I said dully. I wonder how soon it will be before Roger decides I'm Benny's apprentice…maybe I should get back in touch with him. He could help me with the transition to 'responsible member of society'… "I wanted to let you know that I've also been working on a documentary…" I trailed off, trying to decide what my epic film of everything I've ever done for the last two weeks or so was even about. "About the homeless and people with HIV," I decided. Since all our stuff got stolen and we're squatting in our own apartment, we're technically homeless and half of us have HIV anyway.
Joanne smiled at me, but was soon distracted by the sound of loud giggling. Maureen was sitting on the receptionist's desk and playing with her – the receptionist's – earrings. Of COURSE she was. Really, you can't take that girl anywhere.
"Great!" Alexi enthused. "So fresh, edgy. Everything Buzzline's about."
"Really?" Even Joanne couldn't hide her incredulity.
"We may dip into the tabloid side," Alexi admitted, laughing. "Guilty as charged! But we are a news show. And your client has a fresh eye to bring real stories to an audience and that's what we want. We get the real programming, he gets the network exposure. Not a bad way to start a career by the way…So. What do you think?"
Panicked, I looked over at Joanne, but she was nodding absentmindedly with a fixed smile on her face as she watched Maureen continue to flirt over-the-toply with the receptionist. Did they even introduce themselves-? Whatever, I have bigger problems. Namely, this is all starting to sound so very, very reasonable and I feel that my soul is in grave danger.
"Yes," Joanne snapped back to the meeting. "What about salary?"
"On commission," Alexi replied promptly. "On an escalating scale. Start at $3000."
Joanne looked at me and I grimaced. Why am I even here?
Misunderstanding my distaste, Alexi says bluntly, "You're not going to get a better deal than that."
Reluctantly, I agree. Does this girl not know how haggling is supposed to work? You NEVER start with the final deal.
Looking similarly disappointed, Joanne says, "We'll take it."
I walk out of the building in a daze. Joanne runs to catch up with me and throws her arm around me. "Congratulations," she beams.
Maureen also hurries to catch up, not looking pleased.
"I sold my soul," I complained.
"For three grand a segment," Joanne points out, seeing nothing wrong about this.
"You ain't got nothing without my protest," Maureen insists, clearly not caring about my inner turmoil.
"Does EVERYTHING have to be about you?" Joanne finally demands, voicing what everyone who has spent longer than two minutes in Maureen's company has asked themselves.
"Me?" Maureen sounded affronted. "You're the one helping my ex-boyfriend." I'm not quite sure how that's supposed to refute Joanne's statement. Is she saying she has to be involved because she and Joanne are dating and she and I used to date so she's the link between us? We've spent enough time together over the last two weeks that we kind of no longer need her to hang around making us play nice. We bonded quite nicely during our impromptu tango session, thank you very much. Of course, since we were mostly just complaining about what a crappy girlfriend Maureen was, we never actually got around to telling her about that, did we?
"He need a lawyer," Joanne pointed out reasonably.
Maureen scoffed and rolled her eyes.
"I figured I could help them out, since you got them evicted," Joanne sniped. Now she's done it. We were all pretending that didn't happen as Maureen refused to be even remotely apologetic about it as she simply does not see this as her fault.
"You know what?" Maureen said spitefully. "Why don't the two of you get an accountant's ledger and a bottle of champagne and go at it." Ha! I knew it!
"Invite the girl you were just flirting with to join us and I will," Joanne shot back, revealing the true reason behind her ire. Hm, does that mean she's bi after all? I'd ask, but Maureen would probably kick my ass.
"Oh, my God. Come on , Pookie!" Maureen still doesn't get that I gave Joanne a near-pathological hatred of that nickname, does she? And now that Maureen knows that this is all just one big misunderstanding – to her – her own annoyance has completely dissipated.
"Oh my God," Joanne muttered, shocked that Maureen doesn't get why she's upset.
"What do you want, huh?" Maureen demanded. "I'll do anything. You want me to be your salve? You want me to just obey your every wish?" She grabbed Joanne's arm and spun her around. She's really good with grand gestures, but that's not really what Joanne's looking for here. Sensing they were about to have a Moment, I busied myself with my bike lock. "Tell me what you want!"
"Commitment," Joanne bit out, expecting to have Maureen laugh in her face.
Which she totally did, but not for the reason we were both expecting. "That's all?" she said, like it was no big thing. "Why didn't you just say so in the first place?"
"What?" Joanne was confused and understandably so. Maureen was okay with NOT flirting with everything that moved, but it hadn't occurred to her that Joanne would be interested in that?
"All you have to do is ask," Maureen promised. "And I'm yours." WOW, this is uncomfortable. Why won't my lock open any faster? I do NOT need to be here for this!
Joanne had to blink several times before she could start, trying not to cry. "Will you commit to me?" she asked, dubious but hopeful. "To be with only me for the rest of our lives?"
Wait, now it's a marriage proposal? They've only been together two months! "I will," Maureen said grinning, getting down on one knee. Isn't the proposer supposed to get down on one knee, not the one accepting? Whatever. "I do." She took off one of her eight rings and slid it onto Joanne's ring finger.
Joanne pulled Maureen to her feet and they shared a tender kiss.
And I had to watch all of it.
"This can't be happening…"
I've only been here twenty minutes and I'm already wondering why on Earth I'm in the Greenwich Hills Country Club. The music alone is just so…tasteful that it's giving me a headache.
Joanne's father got all of our attention by using his knife to tap on his champagne glass. Looking up at him, I was immediately distracted by his wife's strange hat. It's just…really, really bizarre.
"I'd like to welcome everyone and congratulate my daughter Joanne," Joanne's father beamed. "On—One her wonderful choice of a life partner, Maureen Johnson." Wow, I wonder if he's ever actually met her before today? If he had, he might have had a bit more to say about this. Maureen, for instance, is already experiencing a fear of commitment as she mouthed 'life partner' and then took a long sip of her champagne.
"My husband and I would also like to welcome Maureen's parents, Eddie and Nancy Johnson, into our family," Joanne's mother says warmly. "Would everyone please stand?" Once everyone did, she continued, "And let's raise a glass to toast the future of Joanne and Maureen."
"Hear, hear!"
"Cheers!" Everyone started toasting like crazy. When's the food going to be here? That's the only reason I showed up, after all. Well, that and Mimi wanted to come, but she doesn't really know either of the life partner ceremony people so she's my date.
"I love you baby," Maureen whispered to Joanne as she pulled back out of a very lame kiss and immediately turned to her mother and hugged her. "Thanks, Mom."
"You got engaged!" Collins told Joanne, still in shock. We just really can't believe it, even after listening to Mark's traumatized account half a dozen times, each funnier than the last.
"Thanks, Dad," Maureen hugged her dad, still avoiding her new life partner. This does not bode well.
After accepting Collins' congratulations, Maureen immediately made her way over to the bar, wiping off her mouth. Wiping off Joanne's kiss? Wow, there's going to be a blowout immediately after we all leave, isn't there?
"Got anything stronger than this?" Maureen asked desperately, chugging a glass of champagne.
"Only champagne and wine, unfortunately," the mousy bar worker replied in a whiney sort of voice.
Maureen let out a nearly-hysterical giggle. "Hi."
Uh-oh…I turned to Mark to point out that if Joanne caught wind of this, the massive blowout would be taking place now, but he was busy being the graceful 'loser.' Although if it meant he didn't have to be married to Maureen the commitment phobic flirting wonder, I'm not so sure he's really the one who lost here. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Maureen to death, I really do, but there's no way in HELL I would ever agree to date her.
Joanne looked really happy, almost as if she thought a commitment ceremony might actually stop Maureen's philandering ways. "Thank you."
"You know," Mark said quietly, a small smile on her face. "Maureen didn't even let me really congratulate her yet." You know why that might be, Mark? Because she's been freaking out since practically the minute the engagement happened!
Joanne looked down. "I know, because…"
Maureen's loud giggling drew their attention. She was leaning over and playing with the bar tender's necklace. "Where'd you get this necklace?" she asked innocently.
"Oh, just downtown," the bar tender replied vaguely.
Mark kept right on smiling, probably realizing at last that he dodged a bullet. Joanne's eyes hardened as she watched the two of them laughing it up. "Could you excuse me for a minute?" she asked and stormed off towards Maureen without even waiting for an answer.
"Hi," Joanne greeted the bar tender with a tight smile. Seriously, that girl should know better than to flirt with someone who just had a commitment ceremony AT the reception of said ceremony, but I guess Maureen really doesn't take 'no' for an answer. "Could you excuse us for a minute?"
"Hi, baby," Maureen said drunkenly. Wow, she got THAT drunk in two minutes? No way, not with that watered-down selection. She must have had quite a bit before even getting here.
"Thank you," Joanne said, dragging Maureen off to the side.
"What's up?" At least Maureen seems happier now, even if she is STILL drinking.
"What the hell are you doing?" Joanne demanded, clearly trying to reign in her temper.
"What?" Maureen asked defensively. "We were just talking." I think the fact that she knows EXACTLY what Maureen was talking about means that she totally knew exactly what she was doing. On the other hand, when people ask her what the hell she's doing, it usually means she's either flirting with someone in front of her significant other or pulling some crazy stunt and since she really WAS just talking, it's safe to assume it was the former.
"Right," Joanne agreed sarcastically.
Maureen looked somewhat exasperated, probably sick to death of constantly defending herself of accusations of flirting. Although, oddly enough, not sick enough to actually stop flirting. "Pookie, we were just talking!" Ah, and she used the dreaded P-word! Seriously, how has that girl not noticed that Joanne flinches every time she's called that? Mark always smiles a little when that happens, so I blame him, but he's not talking.
"Maureen, please, do not do this today," Joanne begged.
Sadly, Maureen took this as a challenge. Of COURSE she did, she's Maureen. "Excuse me, sir, can you hold this, please?" she asked immediately, handing her champagne glass off to a man at the table next to her. Kind of weird that they're having an argument in front of the piano player and the two tables next to it, but…Also, why couldn't she have just set her drink down instead of making some poor guy hold it when God knows she's not going to remember to come back for it.
"Certainly," the guy in question said, accepting the glass.
"Thanks," Maureen said absently before turning on Joanne, eyes blazing. "You know what, Miss Ivy League? I can't take much more of this. This…obsessive-compulsive, control-freak paranoia." The sad thing is, I think Maureen actually believes that Joanne's the one with the problem. And sure, she might be a bit controlling, but given what Maureen does with an inch, can you blame her?
"What?" Joanne asked, incredulous, not sure how she became the bad guy in this situation.
"I didn't pierce my nipples because it grossed you out," Maureen said, sounding as if this was a huge sacrifice. Though coming from Maureen, who does whatever she feels like, whenever she feels like, it's the truest declaration of love. "I didn't stay at the Kink Club last night because you wanted to go home."
"You were flirting with the woman in rubber," Joanne pointed out, mortified that Maureen was quickly gaining peoples' attention.
"There will always be women in rubber flirting with me!" Maureen shouted, successfully drawing everyone else's attention. For our part, Collins looks horrified but not particularly surprised, Angel looks concerned, Mark looks resigned, and Mimi looks like this is making her day. I guess it's kind of funny. Poor Joanne, though… "Give me a break!" Like she's an innocent victim in everyone's plans to seduce her. I chance a glance at the happy couple's parents. Maureen's parents also look embarrassed and are pointedly ignoring the questioning stares of Joanne's parents.
Maureen, being Maureen, decides to start singing out her problems with Joanne and why she isn't at all at fault in any manner. "Every single day, I walk down the street. I hear people say 'Baby's so sweet.'" So…her justification for causing a huge scene at her commitment ceremony reception is…she's hot? That sounds about right for Maureen. "Ever since puberty, everybody stares at me. Boys, girls, I can't help it baby."
Joanne, who realizes that all of that is completely besides the point but there's no reasoning with her when she's singing, just turns and walks away. Uh-oh. You can't do that. You're just supposed to stand there and take it, no matter how awful it is, because if you DO…she finds a way to keep your attention.
Maureen's response was pretty tame, but then, Joanne hadn't gotten very towards the exit yet. "So be kind and don't lost your mind." She did grab Joanne and force her to start dancing to the music of her 'stop being such a jealous prick' singing rant. "Just remember that I'm your baby. Take me for what I am, who I was mean to be. And if you give a damn, take me baby…or leave me." With that, Maureen ruined all her hard-earned 'force Joanne to stay and listen to avoid further embarrassment' work by placing Joanne's hands on her breasts. Angrily, Joanne turned to leave again.
Maureen wasn't done, though, not nearly. "Take me baby or leave me." With that, she climbed on top of the table with the ice sculptures. Joanne turned around at the sound of dozens of gasps from presumably Joanne's friends, as none of Maureen's should be even remotely surprised by this recent turn of events. "A tiger in a cage can NEVER see the sun," Maureen said, taking off her jacket and placing it around the ice sculpture's shoulders. Unless, of course, it's an outdoor cage. Or there's a window. But, you know, whatever. And is she wearing a dragon T-shirt? Awesome, though not particularly wedding-appropriate. Kind of makes you wonder what Maureen did want to wear if Joanne was okay with her going in that. "This diva needs her stage!" Really, never would have guessed. "Baby let's have fun!" Hate to break it to you, but I don't quite think this is Joanne's idea of a good time. I mean, she probably has work acquaintances here and everything! She probably gets enough flak for just being a lesbian, to say nothing of being a lesbian with a crazy, drama queen partner.
"You are the one I choose, folks would kill to fill your shoes," Maureen lectured. Good start there, Maureen, reminding Joanne that even if you are a compulsive flirter, Joanne's the one you really love, but then you had to go and ruin it by telling Joanne she should just deal because you could replace her in a heartbeat. That's not going to go over well. "You love the limelight too now, baby," Maureen insisted as Joanne took the jacket off of the ice sculpture. Joanne may like it a little, especially since she agreed to date you, but not nearly as obsessively or restriction-free as you do. Maureen got off the table then and started lifting up her shirt by inches. "So be mine, and don't waste my time crying 'Oh, honey bear, are you still my, my, my baby?'"
Joanne, who was chasing her errant partner around the ice sculpture table, said sternly, "Don't you dare!" before storming off again.
Having gotten the reaction she wanted, Maureen surprisingly acquiesced, but only so she could run after Joanne. "Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn. Take me baby or leave me." Joanne had reached the stairs by this time and was only feet away from leaving Maureen to her own crazy devices. Of course, the more curious among the guests – including us – had followed the pair out, hoping to see some more sparks flying, especially when Joanne finally responded.
"No way can I be what I'm not," Maureen pointed out as Joanne finally turned around to face her. "But hey, don't you want your girl hot?" I'm sure she does, but that still doesn't explain why you can't ever juts turn the flirting off. "Don't fight, don't lose your head cause every night who's in your bed?" So…Maureen honestly thinks her behaviors okay and Joanne should just deal with it because they have sex? Really? "Who?" Maureen demanded an answer, crawling up the stairs to her lover. "Who's in your bed? Kiss, Pookie," she begged.
As if Joanne could possibly agree to kiss and make up after Maureen ruined their reception, clearly doesn't intend to change her behavior in the slightest, and doesn't even feel any remorse over it. Joanne decides to fight song with song, which will really only serve to escalate things, but could be entertaining. "It won't work," Joanne says, shaking her fingers at Maureen and pulling her to her feet. "I look before I leap." Well, except when she agreed to marry Maureen after only going out for a few months and thinking that would solve all of their various issues. "I love margins and discipline. I make lists in my sleep, baby, what's my sin?" Some people would say it's being a lesbian, but clearly not any of the people who showed up today, so I'm going to go with 'being an enabler.' Happens to the best of us. Mark, for instance, enables everyone he's ever met.
"Never quit, I follow through," Joanne declares. "I hate mess but I love you," she says paradoxically as she puts her hand on Maureen's thigh who, despite her earlier initiation of close physical contact, slaps her hand away. Seriously, though, Maureen pretty much defines 'mess' as she has no real concern for the consequences of her actions and gets high off of the attention, any kind of attention. "What to do with my impromptu baby? So be wise, cause this girl satisfies," Joanne said, rubbing up against Maureen, who looked amused as hell that her plan to make Joanne help her make a scene was succeeding so perfectly. "You've got a prize so don't compromise, you're one lucky baby!" With that, Joanne took off her jacket and threw it. Maureen, for whatever reason, reached out and caught it. "Take me for what I am!" Joanne sang, spreading her arms wide and making her way back down the stairs.
"A control freak," Maureen mutters. That's not very nice, Maureen. She let you have your say…although that was mostly just because she was trying to pretend she had married someone a little less crazy, so…
"Who I was meant to be," Joanne continued to blatantly rip off what Maureen had said earlier, ignoring Maureen herself, who was still making smart remarks.
"A snot, yet over-attentive." That's strange, I really didn't get any snobby vibes from her. Perhaps she's a secret snob? I mean, for God's sake, she regularly hangs out with the homeless!
"And if you give a damn…" Joanne turned to face Maureen at last.
"A loveable droll geek," Maureen was saying. At least that's somewhat positive, right?
"Take me, baby, or leave me." When Maureen was saying it, she was just demanding Joanne to accept her. When Joanne did, it sounded like an ultimatum. This could be bad.
"An anal-retentive!" Maureen was clearly taking this as a threat.
"That it!" they both shouted, entering into a new room.
"The straw that breaks my back," Joanne said. It's kind of sad that she reached her breaking point at her wedding reception, but then, maybe it's the fact that it WAS her wedding reception that did it.
"I quit," both girls declared.
"Unless you take it back," Joanne qualified. Please, like Maureen would ever go and do a sensible thing like apologize. Still, nice showing of backbone by Joanne. God knows Mark would never even THINK of pulling something like this. Joanne really is better for Maureen than he was, so too bad it's imploding so quickly. It was probably inevitable, though.
"Women," they both lamented.
"What is it about them?" Maureen demanded, grabbing a pool cue from one of the staff and throwing her arm around his shoulders.
"Can't live with them or without them!" both said as Maureen released the guy and threw the pool cue back at him, leaving the poor man to stumble away, dazed. "Take me for what I am! Who I was meatn to be! And if you give a damn…"
"You better take me baby, oh take me, baby!" Maureen said, crawling across the pool table towards Joanne. She really does crawl a lot in front of Joanne, huh? Makes you wonder…and why on Earth did Maureen wear spandex to this thing? "Or leave me. Take me or leave me!"
"Take me, baby, or leave me," the girls told each other sternly. And despite the fact that they both seem to want exactly the same thing: namely, to be accepted as they were, this seems an impossible task as they each storm off towards a different exit. Notably, Joanne took the one that didn't involve her having to face the huge crowd that had gathered, while Maureen just brushed right past us. "Guess I'm leaving. I'm gone."
There was an awkward silence, broken only by the sounds of Joanne and Maureen's high heels receding. Joanne's parents looked horrified. As for Maureen's parents…
"Maybe now you two can get back together," Nancy said hopefully, turning towards Mark.
"Wow," Mimi laughed.
Put on the spot and – for once – not really interested, Mark sputtered out, "Well, actually, I'm-"
Deciding to be nice for a change, I rescued him. "Come on, let's go."
This reception was awful. The couple didn't even make it to the free food!
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