Chapter Eighteen: Without You, I'll Cover You, and Halloween.
Disclaimer: I do not own RENT.
As Angel and Collins and Mimi and Roger were…busy celebrating the joys of love after that stirring display at Maureen and Joanne's reception, I lead the way into our apartment. The sight was shocking, to say the least.
"Hey, guys, all our shit's back," I announced. It was just thrown everywhere, but at least we didn't have to not pay to replace it. It's good to know that our actions don't actually have long-term consequences. I'd hate to think what would happen if someone tried to make us learn some sort of lesson from all of this. Oh, crap, Benny's here! This is probably his doing but…Roger's here, so this has the potential to end badly. VERY badly. "Benny, what's going on?" I asked cautiously.
"I'm here to put an end to this war," Benny replied seriously, standing to greet us. Ah, look at that! He missed us! And I missed having possessions!
"What changed your mind?" Roger asked, actually smiling as he approached Benny. I was, frankly, in shock that they were able to get within five feet of each other without Roger attempting to kill him. But it couldn't last, naturally.
"Mimi did, actually," Benny replied. Roger's smile faded and he turned to look at Mimi, betrayed. For her part, she shifted her bag to her other shoulder and looked uncomfortable. "We hadn't seen each other in a while." Well, not unless you count our impromptu 'La Vie Boheme' celebration, but I suppose they didn't really get a chance to catch up there. "So we had dinner, we talked…and she convinced me to rethink the situation." As Roger was still staring at Mimi, wounded, Benny took a chance and stepped closer to him. "Look, I regret the unlucky circumstances-"
"Circumstances?" Roger cut him off, deigning to turn his attention back to our somewhat-friend at last. "Benny, you padlocked our door and you took all of our stuff!" Roger pointed out, reasonably for once.
"Right," Benny acknowledged, impressing me by not actually making any excuses for his behavior. I mean, he was well within his rights legally and he did warn us that would happen, but it was still a total friendship-killer thing of him to do. "Which is why I'm here offering a new lease. All right? Rent free, courtesy of CyberArts. You might want to get this on film."
"Oh, I see, this is a photo opportunity," Roger complained, still mad that Mimi and Benny knew each other and no doubt constructing various sordid scenarios in his head. Not that I blame him for being paranoid, though, considering that to this date Roger hasn't had a single girlfriend that Benny hasn't dated first. Given the odds of this happening EVERY SINGLE TIME, I kind of wonder just how many people Benny's dated…Poor Allison…
"The benevolent god ushers the poor artists back to their flat," Collins drawled lazily. "Brought to you by your friendly neighborhood CyberArts." Wait…since when is Collins mad at Benny? He didn't even do anything to him! Or is he just getting into the spirit of things? "Full story tonight on Buzzline."
"It's not like that Collins," Benny protested and I'm inclined to believe him. Chances are his sensible business partners and investors would be pissed if they found out he was just giving away an apartment to his friends who refuse to get jobs or even be very nice to him most of the time.
Now, normally I am all for accepting free stuff, but after Collins' Buzzline quip, I realized that if I sell out anymore, I would TOTALLY lose all street cred, so reluctantly I reached into my pocket and pulled out my checkbook. Yes, I have a checkbook. Depressing, I know. "Look, we don't need your charity," I said grudgingly, handing over my first paycheck. We would really, really appreciate it and have, in fact, been l living off of it for some time, but you should have made us this offer two weeks ago before I had to go and lower myself to becoming a productive member of society. "Should cover us for a little while." Or, for the rest of probably everyone but me's life given how cheap rent is. Why don't we pay it again? Oh, right, a matter of principle.
As Benny stared uncomprehendingly at the money that I had just given him, Roger shot a final pained look at Mimi before dramatically but silently exiting the room. "Where'd you get this?" Benny asked at last. What, does he think I stole it or something?
"It's my first advance," I explain with a strained smile.
"Okay…congratulations," Benny offered up a half-hearted smile at what he seemed to think was a good thing, before awkwardly leaving. One of these days we have GOT to actually hash things out. He stopped before reaching the door and made one last half-hearted attempt to reach out to Roger, no doubt realizing that once Roger came around, the rest of us wouldn't care if he wanted to be friends again. Roger didn't say anything, however, which Benny seemed to take as encouragement. "You should convince him to start writing music again," he told Mimi. Still no answer. Finally, getting annoyed, he insinuated, "She can be very persuasive."
"What is your problem?" Mimi demanded, finally reacting.
"Please, relax," Angel entreated.
"No, he's acting like a…prick," Mimi declared. What, of all the many, varied words she could use to describe Benny 'prick' is the best she could come up with?
"Look, we're all just a little tense after Maureen and Joanne's party," Angel said, holding up her hands placatingly. Speaking of, I actually think I saw Benny there. Figuring Maureen wouldn't hold a grudge given all that free publicity Benny inadvertently gave her. Besides, she's living the high life with Joanne. Or…was. Will she be moving out? She better not come to stay with us… "And Benny's probably still upset because of his cat."
"My dog," Benny corrected, looking appropriately upset. Please, he couldn't stand that thing.
"My cat had a fall and I went through hell," Angel commiserated. Wait…so she remembered that she killed Benny's pet but not that it was a dog? Or was she trying to throw Benny off the trail?
"Yeah, it's like losing a-" Benny began. He peered up at Angel suspiciously. "How'd you know she fell?"
Angel had nothing, so she walked back over to Collins and Roger finally succeeded in leaving the room. As no one else seemed inclined to acknowledge Benny's existence and he REALLY didn't want us to hate him any more than we already do, he walked out the door.
The minute he was gone, Collins and Angel burst into hysterical laughter.
"Roger?" Mimi said softly, following Roger the minute Benny was gone and could no longer cause problems for them. Although, to be fair, all he said was that they knew each other and had dinner. Nothing really wrong with that. If it weren't for Benny and every girl Roger's ever dated's history together, Roger probably wouldn't even care. "Nothing happened," Mimi assured him. Well, that sounds good. Just leave it at that and let's all move on. "Benny and me, it's over." No, dear God, why?!?! "We had a thing once, but it was two years ago." Two years ago…wasn't she seventeen then? Was that even legal? At least it was before Benny's marriage…
"It doesn't matter," Roger lied quickly, hoping to avoid the details.
"It was before I met you," Mimi offered weakly, reaching out to him.
"I don't care," Roger insisted, running away.
As I left, I heard mildly depressing music starting up in the room Mimi still occupied. If she thought that could lure me back, she had another thing coming. I'm going to start having to introducing Benny to everyone I might want to date before I start anything with them just to make sure he hasn't already been with them, aren't I? I mean, I don't think he would actually do anything with them if he knew I was interested since he's married and our friendship is having enough issues anyway, but I really should have to in the first place! Why does this always happen?
"Without you, the ground thaws," Mimi's voice sings and suddenly there is an image of her, looking a lot like April did when she was messed up and in full-blown addict mode, buying drugs from The Man in the same bright, sunshiny park while kids played in the background. Does The Man have no shame?!?! "The rain falls. The grass grows." Um…okay, so I don't control nature. Is that what she's saying? Because I kind of already knew that.
"Without you, the seeds root." And now Mimi's in the Cat Scratch Club, smiling thinly as she accepts money and not really being bothered to move much. "The flowers bloom. The children play." Okay, seriously, she looks really ill. I'm kind of concerned.
"The stars gleam. The poets dream." Of course, when I go to checkup on her – and also to ask her what is with this long-ass song – I find her shaking, sitting on her bed, and about to shoot up. Seriously, as a recently recovered addict myself, I should not be here and I promptly turn around and leave, but not before giving her a disappointed look and shaking my head. "The eagles fly without you. The Earth turns. The sun burns." Okay, seriously where is she going with this? The world would get along fine without me? Is she trying to talk me into suicide or something? I'm kind of confused. "But I'd die without you." Oh. That's kind of sweet. And she put the syringe down! Sweet! Progress!
"Without you. The breeze warms. The girl smiles. The cloud moves." And now Mimi appears to be at Life Support. Why isn't she sitting with Collins and Angel? Especially since Angel seems to be her best friend? And why are all these people just fading away? Does that mean they die? I've never seen someone die of AIDS, but I'm pretty sure they actually die, not pull an Obi-Wan. This is so weird. And is it just me, or does Angel look a little unwell?
"Without you. The tides change. The boys run." Oh, and now Mimi is sitting on the edge of her bathtub, shaking and sweating. Guess she's serious about this whole quitting thing. I should go up and be supportive. Oh, but now we've switched to another Life Support Meeting. I guess Mimi's flashing back to draw strength to make it through withdrawal? People are still disappearing and Angel looks progressively worse. "The oceans crash. The crowds roar. The days soar. The babies cry without you." A little less talk about how unimportant I am would be nice, Mimi.
"The moon glows, the river flows. But I'd die…without you." That's better. But uh-oh. I'm seeing Angel and Collins on the subway together again, but they aren't happy and dancing this time. Now Collins is holding a weak and shaky Angel in his arms and looking heartbroken. Oh God, no, not Angel. All of our unresolved issues would come bubbling to the surface without her influence.
"The world revives," I officially make the song a duet, finally going upstairs, picking Mimi up and bringing her back to my couch.
"Colors renew," Mimi contributes.
"But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue," we sing together as I try and comfort Mimi and rack my brains for something supportive to say. Eventually giving up, I pull her into a hug instead.
"Within me, blue," Mimi says. "Without you." And now we're at the hospital and lo and behold, Angel is sick, after all. Mimi's painting Angels nails, Collins is lounging on the hospital bed with her and laughing, Maureen is pressing a kiss to Angel's forehead and giving her flowers, Mark and I are perched awkwardly on two chairs in a corner of the room…that sounds about right. And because Maureen can never just let anything be about someone else, she and Joanne exchange longing-filled looks over Angel's sickbed. Guess they still haven't gotten over their fight at the reception. So…did they get their almost-marriage annulled, then? "Without you, the hand gropes."
"The ear hears. The pulse beats." So what, she would survive without me after all? Is that some sort of threat? Because just a minute ago she said she'd die without me! Or maybe she's talking about Angel. She and Collins are the only ones at Angel's side now. Collins is stroking Angel's hair softly and Mimi is feeding him something. He looks really bad.
"Without you," I contribute, "the eyes gaze. The legs walk. The lungs breathe." And is that Mimi and The Man I see? No! She was doing so well! Why, Mimi, why? In my sorrow and indignation, I start a fight and grab Mimi's stash. She tries to deny it, but the truth is kind of clear to see. I can't BELIEVE she's giving up like that! It's hard enough to make The Man let you go without slipping like this!
"The mind churns, the heart yearns," I say and she echoes me a second later. Getting fed up, I throw her stash back at her and just walk away. "The tears dry without you." Mimi watches me go on the verge of tears, but she still tucks the powder into her coat, having made her choice.
"Life goes on, but I'm gone, cause I'd die without you." Mimi's crying as she puts on lipstick in the dressing room of the Cat Scratch Club, but nobody seems to notice. Nobody but Benny, that is, who comes up behind her and hugs her. He better only have platonic interests in mind, or so help me…
And just because there cannot possible be any hope left, Angel is dead.
"It's right…that today's Halloween," Mimi said, standing up in front of the church. She looks a lot better than she did the last time I saw her and I must admit, I suspect this is due to Benny. He's always been good at comforting people when he needed to be. "It was Angel's favorite holiday." I kind of wonder why we don't have a priest here for the funeral or why we scheduled it for a holiday. Now I'll never be able to celebrate another Halloween without feeling hopelessly depressed.
"I knew we hit it off the moment we met," Mimi's smile faded as she remembered the incident. "There was this skinhead that was harassing her…" I get skinheads don't like drag queens, but Angel was very, very convincing as a girl, so how could he even tell? "And she just walked right up to him and said, 'I'm more of a man than you'll ever be and more of a woman than you'll ever get.'" Mimi glanced quickly at the picture of Angel behind her then walked back to her seat without another word.
Guess It's my turn. "And then there was this time he walked up to this group of tourists and they were petrified because a) they were obviously lost and b) had probably never spoken to a drag queen before in their lives. And he…she…" Dear God, I'm uncomfortable in front of a crowd. I mean, it wasn't so bad after Maureen's protest, but I was riding high from getting my footage on the news and a bit buzzed at the time. Now I'm eulogizing Angel and my difficulty knowing which gender to address her as is becoming more obvious by the second. And did I really just use a and b? Dear God, it sounds like I'm giving a presentation! And how do people keep realizing Angel's a drag queen? It wasn't that obvious! "Just offered to escort them out of Alphabet City and then let them take a picture with her and then said she'd help them find the Circle Line." I was there too, obviously, but I couldn't be bothered to help them. I did film the incident though, and I might still have the footage, depending on whether or not Roger's been drunk lately. And Angel's a saint, really. Ironic though that may be given the Catholic Church's position on gay people and – probably drag queens – but she was. Dog-killing tendencies aside, letting gawking tourists take a picture to show their friends back home how 'exotic' New York is and then giving them directions? Let's just canonize her now.
Maureen, naturally, felt the need to go next. "So much more original than any of us." Apparently, she'd been practicing in her head and couldn't be bothered to start over from the beginning. "You'd find an old tablecloth on the street and make a dress…and then the next year, sure enough, they'd be mass producing them at the Gap." But wait…we only knew Angel for ten months. Is she saying that she recently found out that the Gap stole one of Angel's outfits? Those bastards! Maureen giggled a little and then turned serious. "You always said how lucky you were that we were all friends, but it was us, baby. We were the lucky ones." Seriously, we all love each other dearly, but we can't actually spend any prolonged period of time together without an attempted murder, so Angel's soothing presence was really a godsend.
Collins apparently decided he was fine with only three people eulogizing Angel as he got up to hug Maureen and then approached Angel's coffin, music following him up. "Live in my house, I'll be your shelter, just pay me back with 1000 kisses." Oh…it's that adorable 'we're-together-now' song Angel and Collins were singing on Christmas all those months ago…it sounds much sadder when it's slower and not a duet anymore. "Be my lover…and I'll cover you. Yeah."
Roger's crying, Maureen's trying to look stoic but gave up and glanced at Joanne, who, though also crying, held her gaze for a moment before realizing that Angel's funeral REALLY wasn't the place for that and looked away. Mimi looked upset but dry-eyed. I leaned forward, feeling awkward, but not as awkward as Benny, who really didn't know Angel and was just there to support Mimi. He kept glancing off to the side, as if that would make this go any faster. It won't.
"Open your door, I'll be your tenant. Don't got much baggage to lay at your feet." Since this is Angel's funeral, I'll ignore the crappy grammar for now. And the song is speeding up slightly as Collins smiles sadly at Angel's picture. Well, maybe he didn't have baggage, but now he sure as hell does. Or is he referring to the fact that – unlike everyone else we know – he doesn't actually feel the need to tell everyone all about it? In which case he still wouldn't have much to bother people with, but Angel's death is probably an exception. Especially since we love her, too.
"But sweet kisses I've got to spare. I'll be there and I'll cover you. I think they meant it when they said you can't buy love. Now I know you can rent it. A new lease you were, my love. On life. All my life…" He changed 'are' to 'were'! God, he sounds so close to tears that I just can't stand it and neither, it seems, can anyone else as we all rise and start accompanying him with an 'oooooooooooh'. Looking shocked to discover he wasn't alone with his grief, he turned to face us and continued, "I've longed to discover something as true as this is. Yeah…"
"So with a thousand sweet kisses!" Joanne belted out.
"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes," the rest of the congregation feels the need to start with. I'm…not actually sure why, but at least they're doing something, right?
"If you're cold and you're lonely," Collins said.
"I'll cover you," Joanne promised."With a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you."
"You've got one nickel only," Collins reminisced.
"With a thousand sweet kisses!" Apparently Joanne can't remember any other part of the song. Ah, well. At least she picked a good part.
"When you're worn out and tired," Collins said.
"I'll cover you!" Oh, and Joanne knows that part, too, I guess. Still, Angel had a lot more than two lines when she was singing it. Joanne's a lawyer, not an artist, though, so allowances have to be made. At least she's trying. "With a thousand sweet kisses."
"When your heart has expired!" Collins declaration was so heartrending that it temporarily brought the rest of the song to a halt.
"Oh, lover, I'll cover you. Oh, lover…" Everyone sang together.
"I'll cover you…" Collins said softly.
"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes." Oh, now we're back to this again. I hope this is actually going to have a point, but I'm not optimistic. "Fine hundred twenty-five thousand seasons of love." Hm…is that point-worthy? I'm not sure. Minutes don't generally count as 'seasons', though…
"I'll cover you, oh," Collins finished.
Silence. That was powerful. Even Benny got into it. Then again, I suppose he's been friends with us for too many years not to know to just go with the flow. Does this mean we're talking to him again?
After the ceremony was over, I quickly retreated to the cemetery to try and deal with my grief by myself.
"How did I get here? How the hell? Pan left, close on the steeple of the church," I said bitterly, pantomiming a camera since I didn't actually have mine with me today. I know, shocking, right? I'm still setting the scene, though, so I'm probably really not entirely accepting of this fact.
"How did I get here?" I demanded. "How the hell-? Christmas." Of course. "Christmas Eve last year…how could a night so frozen be so scalding hot? How can a morning this mild be so raw?" That's how we know this is reality, you see, because the weather doesn't match our moods. Of course, given that that first part happened at the end of DECEMBER, it really wasn't going to be warm no matter what happened. Unless the scene changed to the Southern Hemisphere.
"Why are entire years strew on the cutting room floor of memory when single frames from one magic night forever flicker in close-up on the 3D Imax of my mind…" Well, actually it was more like three or four days, but you know what I mean. And in case you've forgotten, I'm a filmmaker! "That's poetic," I mused, then realized I was turning Angel's tragic death into an objective filming endeavor. "That's pathetic."
"Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door and Collins choose that phone booth back where Angel set up his drums? Why did Maureen's equipment break down?" Thinking about it, though, those questions really aren't all that hard. Mimi wanted a light and thought Roger was cute so they could do drugs together. The phone booth was the closest one to our apartment so he could catch the keys I threw him and Maureen's equipment broke because she never takes care of it and Joanne had no idea what she was doing. "Why am I the witness?" Because I carry a camera around with me everyone and obsessively film everyone? "And when I capture it on film, will it mean that it's the end and I'm alone?"
There, angst dealt with – sort of – I can go off and deal with everyone else's problems.
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