Sanzo
I was running as fast as I could, cursing under my breath. "Shit. Shit."
In the distance, I heard screaming and gunshots, and yet I just couldn't run quite fast enough.
After Hakkai hit me, I'd lain there, dazed a few moments, but I don't think I'd gone completely unconscious. My face hurt like hell, and I could already feel my jaw bruising, but it apparently had been a light enough punch that it hadn't hurt me very bad.
When I got up again—whether it was ten seconds later or ten minutes—I was able to hear the frantic shouting in the distance. It seemed to be coming from somewhere down the road, not that far from the jail. Maybe from the park we'd passed earlier.
"Dammit, Hakkai, why would you…?"
He'd just…
There was no time to worry about that now. I had to run faster.
As I went, half-breeds were streaming past me in a panicked flood of people, fleeing to their homes and to the outskirts of town. None of them so much as looked twice at me, and I had to weave through them carefully. Having so many youkai around me put me on guard, and I held my gun tightly. I was lucky to have gotten it off the guard outside the jailhouse
If I was really lucky, I wouldn't have to use it. Not on Hakkai.
On the side of the road, I saw a child standing and screaming and crying, probably looking for his parents, or whoever looked after him.
"Dammit. Did he lose his mind?"
This wasn't like him. This busting out of jails and running wild wasn't like Hakkai.
Not like human Hakkai.
Youkai Hakkai was a different matter. It wasn't something you saw every day, and when you did, it was definitely something that would scare the shit out of you.
Even out of me.
I managed to make my way to the park without colliding with a single, stupid half-blood, and from there, it wasn't hard to find him. He was balanced perfectly on top of the swing set, Feng's damn militia clustered around him, weapons drawn, aimed and ready.
"Shit."
Hakkai was grinning down at them, a devil's smile.
The very sight of him turned my blood cold. Those sharp ears and sharp teeth and sharp claws. Those piercing, demonic, green eyes. Those bizarre, vine-like markings. All of it was just a hallmark of absolute terror and destruction. It all screamed youkai. It all screamed danger.
I'd never get used to seeing Goku in his youkai form. Seeing that was always disconcerting; but at least I knew Goku, and I understood him—I was damn near raising the brat—and above all else, I knew how to get him back to normal. I knew how to deal with his loss of sanity.
Hakkai was different. I could count on one hand all the times I'd seen him in this form, and I definitely didn't know exactly what he was capable of, and more importantly, I didn't know any tricks for getting him back to normal. As far as I knew, it was probably just a matter of hope he's still sane enough to listen and try to convince him to put his limiter cuffs back on.
Hakkai was so level-headed and sensible. That should be easy. I tightened the grip on my gun.
Right?
"Sanzo!" Goku and Gojyo ran up beside me. For once, they both looked alert and ready for action, and to his credit, Gojyo didn't have some half-naked girl hanging off him.
"What the heck's goin' on?" Goku demanded, staring up at Hakkai. "I thought you guys were in jail!"
"We were."
"What happened to his limiter?" Gojyo asked. As if I knew.
I shook my head, trying to hide how distressed I was by the news I had to relay to them, "He just took it off."
Both of them gave me the same stupid, dumb animal look at the same moment, "Took it off? What'dya' mean?"
"I mean he took it off. We were just standing there and he took it off and broke through the wall."
I remember uneasily how strange he'd been acting, more or less all day, pacing and muttering to himself and tugging at his ear until I thought I was going to go insane from watching him. Still, I'd never dreamed he'd just remove his limiter.
"That don't sound like Hakkai." Goku said worriedly. "Why would he do that?"
"Hell if I know. It's not like he confided in me about it first, Goku."
"Yeah, but what now? Think we can get 'im ta' just put it back on?"
"It doesn't look like he's killed anyone yet." Gojyo observed, "So maybe he's not berserk."
That was our only hope. Maybe he wasn't beserk, and maybe we could talk him in to putting his limiter back on.
"All right. You." I pointed at Gojyo.
He looked shocked and outraged by that, "'You'? What, did you forget my damn name now?"
"You, go talk to him."
"Why me?"
"Don't play dumb with me, Gojyo, you know why."
"No, actually, I don't. And you can't just order me around and expect me to hop to."
"Listen." I ground my teeth, barely fighting the urge to punch his insolent face in, "You lived with that crazy bastard for three years, you know him better than anyone else does, so you get to bring him around."
Gojyo looked pissed, but I knew he knew I was right, so he shoved past me and went and stood with the militia.
Goku and I followed him, and I murmured, "Be ready to fight, Goku."
"Fight? Hakkai? Isn't there some other way?"
"There might be. We need to see how far gone he is…honestly though, if he removed his own limiter, there's not much hope."
"But he's our friend, Sanzo. We can't just-"
"That's the way it is though. All three of you knew that when we started this journey."
He was silent, and by the time we reached the swing set he had his bo in hand.
Gojyo was in the process of snapping back and forth with the big leader half-blood, who I assumed was Feng. "Just leme' freakin' handle this!"
"Handle this how? He needs to be exterminated!"
"You can't do that."
"And why not?"
I cut in to save Gojyo the headache of trying to concoct an intelligent answer, "Because, if you attack him he'll kill you, and probably all of your men too. So far he hasn't killed anyone; you should be grateful for that."
"That's right." Gojyo said triumphantly—as if he'd thought the answer up by himself—"so just let us handle this, and back off."
Feng glared at him a while longer, and then grumbled something under his breath, ordered his men to fall back.
Hakkai watched the exchange with sparkling eyes.
Gojyo stepped up a little closer, standing almost directly beneath Hakkai. I thought it was a stupid place to stand myself, seeing how if Hakkai was actually berserk, it would be easy for him to jump down on him, but I didn't care enough to interfere.
"Oy, Hakkai." He called, "What's up?" Then he lit a cigarette.
Dumbass.
Hakkai stayed crouched on top of the swing set, looked down at Gojyo like a thirsty vulture. "Hello Gojyo."
His voice sounded the same at least; it was casual and familiar. Like they hadn't seen each other in a little while, and that was all.
It must have startled Gojyo, because he couldn't react for almost half a minute, and then he all but stuttered, "Hey man."
"What do you want?"
"Nothin'. Just…came to see what you're up to."
How irritating. It was like listening to a couple of damn teenagers.
"Well, you have eyes to see, haven't you? What does it look like I'm doing?"
Another, shorter hesitation, "I don't know. What the hell are you doing?"
Hakkai was quiet, like he didn't know either, and I felt like there was a lot more implication in Gojyo's question than I'd picked up on. In that one question he was asking half a dozen others. Why would you do this? Do you even know what you're doing? Have you gone berserk? Don't you see I have to clean up after your mess now? Why are you being so selfish?
I forced myself to stay patient and watch. After all, I told Gojyo to do this because I knew he was the only one who could.
Hakkai answered at last, stretching his claws lazily, "I wouldn't expect you to understand, but wearing that limiter is a lot like being in a cage. Every now and then, I just want out."
That didn't sound much like Hakkai. I exchanged glances with Goku, wondering if we might still have to take him out.
"Since when?" Gojyo demanded, "You've never 'wanted out' before. And don't you realize you're fuckin' around with the minus wave when you do this? These days, your limiter isn't something you can take on and off like a damn condom."
Hakkai laughed. It was a mean version of his typical, mocking laughter. "Oh, Gojyo. With you, it's always about sex, one way or another. You should really try to grow up some day."
"Grow up, huh? How would you suggest I do that, buddy?'
"For starters, you should realize that gambling is not an acceptable means of consistent income. In other words, it does not qualify as 'a job'." Hakkai leapt down from the swing set suddenly, landed lightly in front of Gojyo. "And secondly, you might consider the fact that you're not always going to be twenty-two and irresistible to women, so you might think about finding a woman who actually loves you. And lastly, recognize that I'm not gong to spend the rest of my life cleaning up after you. As I said. Grow up."
That was uncharacteristically blunt and malicious. I wished I could have thought to say all those things to Gojyo myself before this night, but then again, they were the kinds of things that only Hakkai could say to Gojyo in the first place.
Gojyo was unruffled. He took a long drag off his cigarette, "Man, you get nasty without that earring of yours. You been wantin' to say that a long time?"
"Perhaps." Hakkai grinned.
"Yeah, well I know what your tryin' ta' do, Hakkai, and it won't work. I'm not fighting with you."
Hakkai stood perfectly still and loose, arms hanging at his sides, and tilted his head forward, agressively, breathing out slowly, and smiling all the while. "My goodness, Gojyo. Perhaps you're growing up after all… You certainly are. Lame."
On that last word, he took a swing at Gojyo's face, much like the way he'd swung at mine, only his claws were open, ready to shred flesh from bone.
My heart lurched in my chest.
Goku started forward.
But Gojyo didn't move. He was biting his lip hard, but he didn't so much as flinch.
Hakkai stopped his attack half an inch short, claws hovering beside Gojyo's face, and he too stood perfectly still.
They stared at each other a while. The tension in the air was maddening, and I couldn't help gripping my gun even tighter, until my knuckles were hurting. I saw that Gojyo's fists were clenched just as tightly. If Hakkai had actually hit him, he could have done some serious damage.
"Hm." Hakkai's smile came back, all the more devilish, "Now that was odd, my friend. Why didn't you move? Don't you realize I could have ripped your very face off?"
"Because I know you wouldn't hit me, Hakkai. So quit this bullshit now and put your limiter back on."
The smile dropped away.
Without warning, Hakkai kneed him in the stomach, apparently as hard as he could, and then let him slump to the ground, gasping for air.
"Hey!" Goku started again.
"Easy." I muttered half-heartedly.
Hakkai began to circle around Gojyo, glancing up at Goku with dark cheer when he shouted. "Insolent and stupid. You're always that way, aren't you? Come now. Why would you assume I wouldn't hit you? Particularly right now? You might say…I'm not myself."
"Not yourself maybe…" Gojyo sputtered, still straining to breath, "But…you're not…berserk."
"No, I suppose you're right in that."
"So. Put your fuckin' limiter back on. Or. I really will. Kick your fuckin' ass."
Hakkai knelt beside him suddenly, claws shining in the moonlight. He grabbed a handful of Gojyo's hair and jerked his head up, "That sounds interesting. Let's try that second option."
"Fuck you, Hakkai."
"Yes, yes, it's always fuck with you. But no one's doing any fucking tonight, Gojyo. Now get on your feet. I dare you. Kick my ass." His grin was even sharper.
"This ain't goin' so good, Sanzo." Goku whispered.
That was an understatement. I wondered if I should step in—obviously Hakkai didn't want to listen to reason.
I watched Hakkai yank Gojyo to his feet by his hair. If this didn't turn around in ten seconds, I was going to shoot the bastard, chalk his behavior up to the minus wave, and get the hell out of this pathetic, little town.
Don't make me do that, Hakkai.
Once he was up, Gojyo shoved him off viciously, and I could tell he'd lost his temper; he was aching to throw a punch.
If he did, it might just be the death of him.
"Sanzo…" Goku hissed. "What should we do?"
Hell if I know. Maybe I should just shoot them both and go to bed.
"Fight me." Hakkai taunted. "Come on, Gojyo, we're friends, aren't we? What's a little fist fight between friends?"
Gojyo grinned back at him, but it was a ferocious, angry smile, "See, the thing is, you got those." He gestured to Hakkai's claws, "And I don't got shit."
"So summon your shakujou. That would certainly make this more interesting, don't you think? Otherwise, I fear this will be a bit one-sided." Hakkai splayed his claws, raised his hand to strike.
Behind us, I heard a low twang, followed by something hissing through the air, turned just in time to see one of the half-blood archers lower his bow.
Hair flying, I looked back to Hakkai and Gojyo.
Hakkai was holding an arrow in the hand that had just been poised to strike, as if he'd snatched it out of mid-air, and the tip was only centimeters from his forehead.
The smile was darker than ever. "Half-blood." He crooned, staring down the archer who'd fired. "That was very rude, interrupting our conversation like that.
The archer was shaking hard, but his face didn't betray any fear. His comrades were all staring at him like he was crazy. "W-well. You were gonna' kill him." He stuttered defiantly.
Idiot.
"What an interesting notion, me killing Gojyo. Don't you find that fascinating, Gojyo?" He lowered the arrow and looked at Gojyo again, like the archer and the other half-bloods didn't exist.
"Hell no. No I don't."
Hakkai sighed, "You are lame, my friend." Then he ran his foreclaw lightly down Gojyo's face to his neck. "But I don't think I could kill you. Cockroaches are absurdly long-lived and hardy. However." He suddenly turned his attention back to the archer, "Not every impudent mutt with red hair is a cockroach, am I right?"
The archer took a step back.
It was too late; firing at Hakkai had been his doom.
"Hakkai, wait!" Gojyo clawed at him, trying to grab his shirt.
Hakkai was too fast. He sprang away instants before Gojyo could catch him, and rushed the archer, arrow still in hand.
"Dammit!" I cursed, raising my gun.
He was quick. Even as I was taking aim, he jammed the arrow head through the archer's chest and into his shoulder; blood spurted down over his wrist.
The other half-bloods went wild. Feng shouted and took a swing at Hakkai with the giant battle axe he was carrying.
I fired my gun.
Hakkai darted to the side.
Both attacks missed. My bullet ricocheted off the face of the axe.
Laughing Hakkai knocked Feng down. He made it look easy, knocking down a man twice his weight, and then he started attacking the other half-breeds. It was insane to watch him go after them, one after another, and slice them open or bust their faces. It was scary to see Hakkai of all people acting so out of control.
"Crap!" Goku ran forward with his bo.
I aimed my gun again, but he was moving so fast I couldn't get a decent shot, so I dropped it and followed Goku.
Instead of attacking Hakkai, Goku started fighting the half-bloods, knocking them back, lightly smacking them, just enough to stun them and deter them and distract them. "Are you people stupid? He'll kill ya'!"
I passed him, making my way determinedly toward Hakkai. "Hakkai! Dammit, stop this!"
A hybrid caught my robes as I was running by him, tried to hit me in the face with the club he was carrying.
"I am not in the mood!" I yelled, knocking him good in the teeth so he stumbled back, bleeding from the mouth, and then I continued on my way, desperately elbowing my way through the crowd, trying to get to Hakkai. He hadn't seemed quite berserk when he was talking to Gojyo. He wasn't himself, that was true, but I didn't think he was berserk yet. That meant we still had a chance to stop him.
He was at the center of the chaos now, ignoring everyone around him and fighting with Feng, that gleeful, dark grin still twisting his normally pleasant, annoyingly cheerful face.
Feng was shouting, taking swing after swing with the axe, but he always missed, and I could see that he was getting frustrated. I dove in closer, screaming at Hakkai to stop.
The chain of Gojyo's shakujou flew over my head. He caught Feng around the legs with it and tripped him, and Feng landed heavily, with a cry of outrage, a spew of curses, and a winded gasp.
Hakkai turned his attention on Gojyo, smiling bigger than ever, "Now that's more like it—let's test your aim, shall we?"
Better not. I turned to snap at Gojyo, "Gojyo! Don't!"
For once, that idiot was one step ahead of me. The shakujou was already gone, and he was stepping through the crowd of half-bloods—by now, most of them were running the other way—and when he was close enough, he jumped on Hakkai, slammed hard against him, taking him down. They scrambled around on the ground a moment, wrestling, and I heard Hakkai snapping and snarling like an animal and saw glimpses of his glinting, white teeth. Not smiling anymore.
When it was over, Gojyo was on top, Hakkai pinned securely to the ground, but he was bleeding a little, and it looked like Hakkai had bit him in the shoulder. He was panting, "There. You crazy fuck. Let's see ya' get outta' this."
Hakkai stopped thrashing back and forth and glared up at Gojyo hatefully. "Give me half a chance and I swear to God I'll rip out your throat, Gojyo."
"I bet you will, sunshine. Sanzo! Please tell me you brought his fucking limiter!"
"Hn. I'm not an idiot." I stepped in to stand over them. Goku hung back, keeping the crowd away. I reached into my robes and produced the three small, golden cuffs, but hesitated, "Gojyo…if he's berserk, the limiter may not-"
"Just fuckin' put them on him, asshole!"
Being ordered around by Gojyo of all people was not only annoying, it was enraging, and it made me want to kick him in the face, but I crouched down next to him, limiters in hand.
Hakkai struggled a moment.
"Hey. Don't." Gojyo leaned over him, "You know it's for the best."
I took the opportunity to snap the first one on.
Hakkai shouted in outrage, even managed to pull one arm free and gripped Gojyo's wrist, digging his claws in; but by then, he was already changing back, and in a matter of moments, his claws were gone and his ears were normal, and the demonic light faded from his eyes. His breath hitched, like he was dying, and then, just like that, he was human again, looking lost and confused, and then the confusion lifted too, and he just looked horrified.
I snapped the other two cuffs back on and stood up, still feeling tense. Goku stood next to me, his bo still out.
If Hakkai was berserk, he'd just take the limiter off and go on with his rampage. We'd have to kill him.
Everyone was quiet, all the half-breeds were watching, ready to attack if they had to.
At last Hakkai murmured, "Oh no."
Gojyo frowned, slowly letting go of Hakkai's shoulders, "Oh no?"
Hakkai sat up, all but knocking Gojyo off him. "Oh no. Oh no. I…" He stood up, looking like he was sleepwalking, and his eyes focused first on me, and then on Goku. They went wide with panic as he scanned the crowd of hybrids. "What have I done?"
"Hey man." Gojyo got up too, "Just calm down."
"Calm?" Hakkai snapped at him immediately, "Calm? Are you crazy? How can I possibly be calm when I've just finished—Gojyo. You're bleeding. I…I did that to you, didn't I?"
Gojyo touched the bite mark on his shoulder, "Well, yeah, but-"
"How? How can you ask me to be calm at a time like this?" He whipped around to face me, "Sanzo, what about you? I hit you, didn't I? Are you all right?"
I hadn't even thought about my bruised, throbbing face in the last half-hour, but now that he mentioned it, the stinging in my jaw really hurt, and it was pissing me off. I didn't answer him, not knowing how.
"I-I'm so sorry, everyone. I don't know what I was thinking…"
"What'd ya' take your limiter off for anyway?" Goku asked, finally letting his bo disappear.
"I'm not sure. I…just suddenly felt the urge. I know that's not a good reason…"
The three of us waited for him to say more, but he didn't, and then I grumbled, "Hn. We might as well all go back to bed now. It's over." I knew that was a light way to handle the situation, but I couldn't think of anything else we could do; if Hakkai had suddenly felt the urge to remove his limiter, there was no way of knowing what had caused that urge. It was something he had to figure out for himself, and I was not going to lose sleep over it.
"Over?" Feng demanded as I turned to go. He and his group were standing off to the side, all injured and bleeding, and Feng was holding a woman up by the waist, her head sagging unconsciously. They looked angry and afraid and shocked. "How can you say that? How can you just decide it's over? Look what that crazy son-of-a-bitch did to us! After this, why would you even think it's okay to just say 'it's over' and then go back to bed? That psycho killer could have destroyed our whole village!"
Goku spoke up defiantly, "But he wouldn't."
"You don't know that, youkai."
I growled. "So how many of your men are dead?"
Feng hesitated, almost looking sheepish for a moment, "None."
"None?" Gojyo laughed. "You know what, you got lucky. Now quit your bitchin' and go home and fuck your wife."
Angrier than ever, Feng glared at him. "You have a lot of nerve saying that, Gojyo. Not five hours ago you were in my home, eating my food, and trying to talk me into letting your friends go free. You said they weren't dangerous and that they'd never hurt a fly. You said the priest is a little trigger happy."
I glared at Gojyo, but he made a point not to look back at me.
"But you insisted that your buddy Hakkai is a 'damn good dude, who wouldn't hurt anybody for anything, even if he is a youkai.' Your good friend there almost killed you tonight, kid, and you want me to feel lucky that none of my men are dead?"
Gojyo exploded, "Look here, asshole! None of your men would have a scrape on them if they'd just stayed the hell out of it! That's why I told you we'd handle it-"
"You're crazy, Gojyo! Absolutely crazy! Traveling with youkai and a 'trigger happy' human! For the life of me, I can't figure out what's wrong with you!"
"At least I'm not hiding here with all the other half-breeds in the world, just waiting for more to show up. At least I've got a life!"
"We have a life here! And your youkai friend could have destroyed it tonight!"
"Feng, you bastard, I-"
Their arguing was already getting tedious, and I was about to step in, when Hakkai suddenly broke away from us and began walking quickly toward the edge of the town.
"Hey, Hakkai!" Goku called after him, "Where're ya' goin'? Hakkai, wait!"
He didn't answer, and when Goku started to follow him, I stopped him with a low, "Let him go."
"But Sanzo!"
"He's got a lot to figure out, Goku. Best to leave him to it."
The three of us stared after him, and then Gojyo went after him.
"Oi! Kappa, didn't you hear a word I just said?"
"Go to hell, Sanzo." He muttered, and kept going.
"Stupid bastard." But there was no stopping him, and it wasn't really my problem, so I let him go.
For a few more moments, Goku called after them, but it was no use, and before long, they were both out of sight. Who knew? Maybe neither of them would ever come back.
Exhausted, I went and retrieved my gun, muttering underneath my breath, "Tomorrow better not be anywhere near as long as today was."
Hakkai
"Hakkai, c'mon, this is ridiculous." Gojyo called, and judging from the sound of his voice and the clumsy way he tromped through the woods, snapping twigs and stumbling over logs, he was still right behind me. "Just wait up a minute."
I was out of the village now, leaving it further and further behind, sinking deeper and deeper into the forest, going back the way we'd come in the first place, and I didn't want stop or wait up or listen to whatever he had to say. Part of me felt like I couldn't even bear to look at him. I could remember in such clarity everything I'd done while my limiter was off, the way I'd taunted him and insulted him and attacked him. It would be convenient to tell myself I'd done those things because I wasn't myself, or because I'd lost control, but I couldn't when I'd removed the limiter myself and when I'd been perfectly aware of everything I was doing.
Everything was a little hazy when my limiter was put back on, but I could still remember sawing through half-breed after half-breed, and the horrible thoughts I'd had about my friends. The things I'd wanted to do to them.
With thoughts like that still so fresh in my head, how could I ever look at Gojyo again?
He came up beside me, "Hakkai! Stop! I just wanna' talk to you."
"So talk."
Strangely enough, he stayed silent for several minutes after that, just walking through the woods beside me.
"Or do you not really know what to say?" I asked quietly.
"I don't." He admitted, "I have no idea what to say. Other than…look, this wasn't your fault."
What an ignorant, amusing notion. Clearly his grasp of the situation was even shakier than I thought it was. "Then do tell; whose fault was it?"
"I dunno', but you weren't yourself, so-"
"I was myself enough to know what I was doing and to…to want to do it."
He sighed. "Fair enough. But hey. Hey, wait." He grabbed my arm, so finally I had to stop and look at him. "You weren't really going to rip my face off, were you?"
"You were supposed to dodge. By the way, it's very unlike you to be so trusting, even of me. I'd advise you to overcome that next time."
"What?" Gojyo looked annoyed by that. More than annoyed, even. He looked angry. "Now I'm not supposed to trust you? Hakkai, we're friends."
"Yes, but without my limiter I'm afraid I'm a touch unpredictable. Wouldn't you agree?"
"Well, yeah, but—dammit, Hakkai, that's not the point."
"No, I suppose you're right." I looked up ahead to where I could see the wall Sanzo and Jade and I had climbed over earlier. It was hard to make out in the night, and I was glad to see it, but I couldn't help also feeling the vaguest wave of uncertainty, and I wondered if the Asahara was out here somewhere still, watching us and listening to our conversation. "I owe you an apology, Gojyo. It wasn't my place to say those things to you."
"Hell, I know you didn't mean it."
"Oh, no, don't misunderstand." I smiled sadly. "I meant what I said, I just shouldn't have said it."
"Ouch."
"And speaking of things that shouldn't have been said, why did you tell Feng all those lies about me not hurting anyone? Were you trying to convince yourself that I'm a good person, or did you honestly forget that I killed a thousand youkai and hundreds of humans before I even became a youkai myself?"
"I didn't forget. I was just tryin' to get him to let you out of there."
"I suppose that sounds the most like you."
"Hakkai, just don't beat yourself up for this. Bein' a youkai and wearing a limiter's gotta' be pretty hard to do on a daily basis."
I directed my eyes to the sky and the canopy above, thinking about what I'd done and asking myself why. "It never has been before, but today…" What did happen today? I couldn't make any sense of why I'd done that, but it had been foolish. I could have killed my friends and all the villagers, gone berserk and joined the revival, all out of a sudden bout of wistfulness.
Gojyo waited a minute before going on, "Look, don't worry about it. Whatever made you do that, it doesn't matter. I just didn't want you to go away thinkin' I'm pissed at ya'."
I forced a laugh, "Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind, but it's good to hear just the same."
He lit a cigarette. "You don't have to leave, you know. No one said you did."
"They didn't have to say it for me to know that I'm not welcome there. I never was to begin with."
"I guess not. Are you coming back?"
"I can't say. There are too many things for me to figure out, and I don't think I should go back to the village after tonight. But I am going to continue going west with Sanzo, after I've cleared my head."
Gojyo snorted, "Of course."
I took a little time to decide what to say next, and then spoke as casually as I could, "If you do decide to stay here, this will be the last time I see you."
He seemed startled by that, and it took him a while to reply. "Yeah, I guess so."
That alone made me finally turn and look at him, trying my best to smile, "In that case, goodbye."
Gojyo didn't smile back or even answer me. Several times I thought he was going to say something, but he never did, and eventually I decided he would probably never say anything, so I continued to make my way through the woods, leaving him behind.
"Later, Hakkai." He called.
He went his separate way, back to the village, and I continued forward, marching under the moonlight; when I climbed back over the wall and stood among the trees on the other side, I suddenly felt like I could breathe easier, and the air seemed sweeter. I was glad to be away from that village, but perhaps that was only because I'd spilled innocent blood there.
You didn't kill anyone.
As I continued walking, I stared down at my hands, horrified to see that there was still a little blood on them. I should have been used to that by now, but I hated the sight, and I had to tear my gaze away, looked around, and to distract myself, asked, what now?
Make camp, I suppose. Sleep off the nightmare I'd been having, and hopefully in the morning I'd have a clearer perspective.
Jeep circled down from the canopy, chirping, and landed on my outstretched arm.
"There you are." I scratched the top of his head, "I was beginning to think you were afraid of me."
Jeep crooned and hopped up on my shoulder to settle there.
"I wouldn't blame you if you were." I murmured.
What I did back there was inexcusable, whether I'd killed someone or not, and yet, I couldn't explain why I'd done it. All I could remember was that sweet, poisonous voice whispering to me like black velvet in the dark, and that terrible compulsion to be free; free to fight and free to kill.
"I've never wanted any of those things."
I touched my limiter, reassured to feel it in place. After all what good was freedom if it came at the sacrifice of sanity?
What a horrible thing to lose, sanity. To think how I'd behaved earlier tonight, the thoughts I'd had, and the ever lingering, barely suppressed desire to kill everyone, including my friends. I'd only just managed to control myself—the ordeal could have turned out much worse.
Regardless, how was I supposed to crawl back to Sanzo and the others after what I'd done?
I began to pace.
Of course I wanted to continue with the mission. I had Jeep, and therefore the others required my assistance; I wasn't afraid of their judgment either. I knew that they weren't afraid of me, and they didn't think less of me, even now. Still, if I was going to randomly remove my limiter here and again, what separated me from a common enemy? It was bad enough that Goku already lost control at times; the group didn't need two unpredictable youkai.
"I'll be endangering them."
What to do then? Not go back? Where should I go instead?
I looked over my shoulder despairingly. Being alone in the woods was not enjoyable to me, and I did wish my companions were there. Did I dare be selfish and endanger their lives by going back to them? They couldn't very well walk all the way to India.
More and more I paced. There were no answers to these questions, no one to point me in the right direction or instruct me on where to go. I had to decide for myself what the best course of action was.
Unfortunately, that was proving to be uncommonly difficult.
"Tomorrow." I decided. "Tomorrow I'll go with Sanzo, and we'll see how things play out. I can't very well hide away when I'm not sure what's going to happen."
I might be able to prevent this from happening again, if I stayed mindful of it.
I'd better be able to.
"I can't believe this." I stared down at my hands again. "Those people. I attacked them for nothing. Next time…it could be anyone…"
Next time, I might not even care.
"Good God. What sort of monster am I becoming?"
Jeep suddenly chirped loudly, lifted off my shoulder and flapped his way up to sit in the branches of a tree, eying me cautiously from his perch.
"Jeep?" I was utterly dumbfounded to see him do such a thing. "What's wrong?" He wasn't actually afraid of me, was he?
"A beautiful monster." Hissed the sly voice, like acid ran running smoothly along a leaf.
"You." I turned in time to see her emerge from the shadows, green eyes glittering, mouth smiling hungrily.
"It is I, darling. You're a long way from your companions now, I see. Why is that?"
She stepped closer, and instinctively, I backed away a little further. "That's none of your affair."
The Asahara studied me, haunting smile still in place, even as she spoke, "Did your true form frighten them that much?"
My breath hitched, "What do you know about that?"
"I saw you, of course. I've been watching you silently ever since I left your side."
Then was she really there when…? No, Sanzo would have seen her.
"Don't you wish to know why I've been watching you?"
"No thank-you."
"I watched you so that in case you needed me to rescue you, I would be prepared; but when I saw your true form I realized you don't need me. You're more than capable of protecting yourself."
I didn't like the way she spoke to me—so intimately and sensually—and I hated the way I felt when I was near her: that flooding warmth and almost morbid fascination. The thudding in my chest and the restlessness in my bones. I kept my eyes on her cautiously.
"Tell me something, Cho Hakkai." She stood only a couple of feet from me, still smiling at me, like I was her lover, "Why do you wear that limiter when your true form is so glorious? Why do you hide it?"
"First of all, that is not my true form. This is."
"You are a youkai." She leaned toward me, face glowing. "Yet I see how shamed you are to act the way all youkai do. I saw how guilty you were, how guilty you are even now, but why be sad for doing something you were made to do?"
I didn't want to tell her I had been born as a human. Not because I was ashamed of that, of course…not because I didn't want her to know…
It just wasn't her business.
"Stop moping." She moved closer, like she was going to kiss me. "Accept the way you are and embrace it."
"Embrace being a killer?" I snorted.
"If you are a killer, then maybe you were born to be a killer, Cho Hakkai."
I looked at my hands again, "Maybe I was…"
"Come with me." She ran her fingers through my hair, warm breath intoxicating on my face, "Forget your companions and your pointless journey to the west, and simply be. With me, there will never be any shame for spilling blood or for winning battles. There will be no guilt for being who you are. Together, we will be free, wild youkai, taking what we please and living however suits us." She brushed my mouth with her own, longingly. "Even my revenge on Sanzo would mean nothing to me if I had you by my side."
I was beginning to feel a bit of longing myself; when I felt that hot mouth on mine, something bubbled up in me, some long-hidden emotions I hadn't dared to feel since Kanan died. I wanted her. I might have been crazy for it, but I wanted this violent, dangerous woman, almost as much as she wanted me. Already I was drowning in the scent of her, losing myself in the touch of her passionate lips. All I wanted now was to fall over her and take her right there on the ground.
She cupped my face in her hands, "Your instincts are not something for you to fear, and if others fear them, you are a powerful man."
My hands tangled in her long dark hair, and I pressed against her, almost willing to give in to that desire.
Jade caressed my ear, pulling at my limiter. "Be free with me."
I gave in and kissed her fiercely, shoving her back against the trunk of a tree and pinning her there.
She removed the first cuff and started to do the same to the second one.
I was so caught up in the smell and the smooth feel of her, and in the memories of nights, much like this one, spent with another green-eyed woman, I barely noticed when she snapped the second off and went back for the third, put her mouth close to my ear so she could whisper, "The limiter wastes your talent, but when you leave it behind for good, and forget all your friends, the whole world will come to know your name."
Wait. Forget my friends and leave my limiter behind?
No. No this was never what I'd wanted. This was exactly what I'd been afraid of, from the very first moment I'd seen Jade. Because for whatever reason her presence irritated the wound that was Kanan, the sight of her brought the longing for my dead lover to the surface and made me feel like I'd lost her just yesterday again, and it all took me back to the dark placed I'd dwelled in so long, angry and violent, caring for nothing in the world around me. Jade was a danger and a distraction, and when I thought about Kanan, I only wanted to kill and weep and stop living.
"No!" I cried suddenly, wrenching away, even though I didn't want to. I wanted to indulge that pain and nurse the violence in me and let the wound fester. When I was fully youkai, the urge to kill was so great, the grief of losing Kanan could almost become secondary. It would never go away, but perhaps causing others pain would numb my own.
I gritted my teeth, and she stared at me with wide, wonderingly suspicious eyes.
"You have to stop." I said as firmly as I could. "I won't allow this-"
"What are you?" Her forefinger slid lightly across my quivering lips, prodding all the more ferociously at my lust and anguish, "A virgin?"
I stared into those green eyes. Such green eyes. I'd lost my virginity long ago, inside a pair of eyes just as green and just as beautiful, and nowhere near as wicked.
But wasn't that the appeal in Jade? If I could pretend she was Kanan, even momentarily, and then not feel a thing if we had to kill her later, I would be the winner of this venture. I would be-
I didn't even dare continue entertaining those thoughts. I ripped my limiter cuffs out of her hand and put both of them back on deftly, "Leave me alone now."
"Alone? Cho Hakkai, you're already alone—I'm merely a shadow." She smiled with familiar, feminine slyness, "Of everything you wish you could have."
"Get away from me." I held my head, fighting to push away the memories and the emotions I'd thought were buried. "Get away now!"
She laughed a bit, "Very well, I'll leave. For now. But who will you turn to Cho Hakkai? Inside your heart I see there is a brutal killer, and killers do not make very good friends, and even worse companions. In time, your so-called brothers will see you for the false-smiling sham that you are, and they will come to better understand your heartlessness and your cruelty, and in time, they will abandon you. Then who will you turn to? Already you are set apart, journeying down the shaded, lonely path of a murderer."
All that she knew just from looking at me: my secret past of bloodshed, my unspoken insecurities and fears, and the inhibitions when it came to emotional connection that I only barely dared to act upon.
In another moment though, she had receded away, faded into the darkness, and for all I knew, I truly was alone then, left staring down at my hands, as if she'd never come at all, trembling in the night as I looked at the bloodstains and remembered and wondered.
How could I ever crawl back to the others now that I was left, standing and exposed on such a sheer precipice?
When I fell, I knew they would all fall with me.
That's what it meant to be a killer though: to stay away from others lest you wind up hurting them, on purpose or not. That's why I could never touch anyone.
I had almost forgotten that.