Chapter Nineteen: Goodbye Love and What You Own
Disclaimer: I do not own RENT.
We all placed roses on Angel's coffin then walked away, leaving Collins to stare forlornly at the tombstone for a few more minutes. After all, he sighed heavily which meant he either wanted to be left alone or wanted to have a heart-to-heart and all of us are either far too self-absorbed (or busy dealing with our latest drama, like Mark) to be bothered to stay and ask which.
"It's true you sold your guitar and bought…a car?" Mimi asked, unable to believe it. Frankly, I was having difficulty believing it to. I mean, granted I could always sell the car later and buy a new guitar, but still! That guitar and I have a history together! I used it to defend myself from my fangirls!
"It's true," I confirmed. "I'm leaving now for Santa Fe." Why Santa Fe? I don't know; I just wanted to get the hell out of Dodge and Collins song made the place sound rather appealing so I figured why not? Then, since Mimi had made an effort I decided I might as well try and keep the conversation rolling with a question of my own. "It's true you're with this yuppie scum?"
Benny looked somewhat annoyed. I wonder why because, really, that was probably the nicest way I could possibly describe him considering he's married and took up with my ex again who he dated back when she was still jailbait. AND he gate crashed Angel's funeral! The nerve of some people… "You said you'd never speak to him again." Wow, Mimi said that? Really? How very teenage girl-ish of her. Then again, she IS nineteen, so...I suppose it's really stranger that Benny took that seriously.
"Not now," Mimi said absently. I'm leaving, after all, so this is her last chance to try and make me out to be the bad guy when SHE'S the one who chose heroin and a married man over me.
Maureen, who also hates being told what to do under any circumstances, jumped to Mimi's defense. "Who said that you have any say in who she says things to at all?"
"Yeah," I agreed vaguely, shooting a backwards glance at Mimi who, for some reason, ran to my other side and pushed Joanne out of the way. Um…why? If Joanne's bi and going to go after any guy in our group, it would probably be Mark as they could commiserate over what a crappy monogamist Maureen is.
This, naturally, rankled Joanne who clearly saw it as Maureen indirectly attacking her for trying to curb Maureen's philandering tendencies. "Who said that you should stick your nose in other people-?" she began.
"Who said I was talking to you?" Maureen shot back, even though she totally was. Great, now they weren't even pretending that they weren't making this about them. Does everyone have to do this here? Couldn't they at least wait before we left Angel's FUNERAL to start bitching at each other?
"We used to have this fight each night," Joanne explained to a sympathetic-looking Mimi. Oh dear God, she is NOT going to start comparing my perfectly reasonable behavior to Maureen's insanity, is she? And the music really is a bit much, given the circumstances. They're going to attract Collins' attention and he is going to be pissed.
"Calm down," Mark entreated, no doubt having similar concerns.
"She'd never admit I existed," Joanne continued, ignoring Mark. So what else is new?
"Everyone please," Mark begged. He really should speak louder to be heard over the angry music. Has he learned nothing from us all these years? Whatever, I'm out of here.
"He was the same way," Mimi's angry words halted me in my tracks. "He was always run away, hit the road, don't commit, you're full of shit!" Oh, like I'M the only one with commitment issues here. Besides, if she thinks mine are bad, she clearly hasn't spent enough time with Benny.
"Mimi," Benny said, sounding mildly reproving. Wow, when even Benny realizes that Now Is Not The Time, you know that it really isn't.
"She's in denial," Joanne accused.
"He's in denial," Mimi echoed, ignoring the fact that Joanne's case for mistreatment was far stronger that her own.
"Come on guys," Mark pleaded ineffectually.
"Didn't give an inch when I gave a mile," Joanne sang passionately at Maureen's back.
"I gave a mile," Mimi claimed. Oh, that's rich. That's it; I simply cannot keep silent anymore and let her malign me like this!
"Gave a mile to who?" I shot back. Me, Benny, or herself?
Mark took advantage of the dramatic silence to try again, "Come on guys, chill!" Chill? He really thinks that will work? That's almost cute.
"I'd be happy to DIE for a taste of what Angel had," Joanne and Mimi dueted, gesturing at Collins who finally noticed our antics and was coming over to tell us off. "Someone to live for, unafraid to say 'I love you.'" That they're making light of Angel's death at her own funeral is just so…have they no shame?!?!
Somewhat pissed, I finally move towards her. "All your words are nice Mimi, but love's not a three-way street. You'll never share real love until you love yourself; I should know." And that means no Benny and NO DRUGS. Seriously, I defy you to find me a junkie who doesn't have major self-worth issues because God knows I've never met one.
Collins slammed me into a tree when he finally reached us. Oh, that's fair: Mimi, Maureen, and Joanne just had to make this all about them and yet I'm the one he knocked into a tree? Talk about sexism… "You all said you'd be cool today, so please for my sake…" Collins trailed off. "I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe you're going. I can't believe this family must die." Wait, so Angel's a guy again now? I'm kind of confused. Not nearly as much as Mark is, I'm sure, but confused nonetheless. And he can't talk about abandonment! He's moving to Miami! "Angel helped us believe in love. I can't believe you disagree."
"I can't believe this is…goodbye," the seven of us said as one. Since when is Benny part of the same 'family' as Joanne? We've been on the outs with him since before we even met Joanne! Although, to be fair, I suppose he hasn't bothered us about the rent since Mark gave him that three grand, and I'm sure it's not THAT cheap…no, what am I doing? No being fair to Benny! It is not the emo way.
Maureen and Joanne started looking longingly at each other. Ten to one they'll use this as an opportunity to get back together. Mimi takes a hesitant step towards me, but she looks like she might keel over any day now, so I'm going with my original plan of going to Santa Fe. Plus she still shows no sign of trying to give up heroin again and is still with Benny.
After Roger stormed off and Maureen and Joanne left to 'reunite', Mimi, Collins, Benny, and I were left standing around awkwardly until we were approached by the priest. Where the hell was he during the actually ceremony?
"Excuse me," the priest said politely. "Bu there's the matter of-"
"Right, right, right, I got it," Benny said immediately, walking off to the side with the priest. Wow, that's generous of him. God knows there's no way WE could pay the undertaker and since Joanne left…
"Must be nice to have money," Collins said wistfully, walking over to sit by Mimi. He's got Angel's drumsticks in his hands. I thought he was going to put them in the coffin. Ah,well.
"No shit," Benny, Mimi, and I deadpan.
"You owe me a beer," Collins told Mimi.
"I'll give you a cigarette," she compromises, taking one for herself and then handing one to him.
"Hey," Collins addresses Benny as the latter finishes paying and the priest wanders off to go do priestly things. He gives Benny a big hug. Aw…all is forgiven. "I think it's only fair to tell you, though, that you just paid for the funeral of the…person…that killed your dog." I guess Collins is having some pronoun issues too now. Ha! It's not just me!
"Ah," Benny said, staring at the ground. "I know."
"You knew?" Collins asks incredulously. I can understand his surprise. We've been kind of…estranged from Benny for the last ten months or so.
"Yeah," Benny confirmed. "I always hated that dog." We all burst into laughter at that. So…even though Angel was a dog-killer, it was okay because the dog was annoying as hell? Okay then. "Come on," Benny said with a smile. "Let's go get drunk."
"Yes please," Mimi said, standing up.
"Oh no, I-I can't do that," I stammered my excuses. Roger would kill me.
"Come on man," Collins said, putting his arm around me.
Fine…Force me to have fun…
When I returned, slightly drunk, I found Roger dressed all in black and packing, accompanied by appropriately angsty music. Oh joy…I am both too drunk and yet not drunk enough for this.
"I hear there are great restaurants out west," I said, forcing a smile. Granted, I only heard it from Collins in his Santa Fe song, but whatever. I'm sure he knows what he's talking about, having probably lived there at some point.
"Some of the best," Roger said absently. "How could she?"
Do we HAVE to have this conversation? Fine, whatever. I hope he remembers he started this though, because it's probably going to lead to a fight. "How could YOU let her go?"
"You just don't know," Roger claims, sounding very much like an emo teenager whining that no one understands them. And also not even making the slightest effort to explain. "How could we lose Angel?"
"Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain! At least now if you try, Angel's death won't be in vain," I cried. After all, Angel's presence allowed us to all hang out while not addressing our various issues and now that she's gone, they are all coming to the surface so if we deal with them maybe something positive can come from this whole shitty situation.
"His death is in vain!" Roger disagreed, brushing past me dramatically. Wait…so Angel's a guy now? Dear God I'm confused! I spent all this time getting used to Angel being a girl and now that she's dead she's a he? Is a little consistency too much to ask for?
"Are you insane?" I demand, following Roger into the next room. "There's so much to care about, there's me and Mimi!" And…a whole bunch of other people too that I can't be bothered to list. We're the most important two anyway, the best friend and the ex-girlfriend who wants to get back together with him and vice versa.
Roger shook his head. "Mimi's got her baggage too."
"So do you," I said before realizing that by 'too' he was probably acknowledging his own baggage. And what about me?
"Who are you to tell me what I know? What to do?" Roger demanded.
Who does he think? "A friend." Besides, I always do that because otherwise Roger would just sit at home and sulk all day.
"But who, Mark, are you?" Roger asks. That's kind of strange, since he put the answer to his question in his question. Mark. Or is he going to get all existential on me now? " 'Mark has got his work,' they say, 'Mark lives for his work. And Mark's in love with his work. Mark hides in his work.'" That's not true, I'm just still hung-up on Maureen. I might have actually made some progress on that if it weren't for the fact she's always around, consistently having problems with her new girlfriend, and I always have to deal with everyone else's issues. Maybe now that everyone's leaving I'll get a chance to start moving on. Wait, hiding?
"From what?" I challenge.
Roger has apparently been thinking long and hard on this as he's got an answer ready for me immediately. "From facing your failure, facing your loneliness facing the fact you live a lie. Yes you live a lie!" he assured me. Okay, so maybe I'm kind of failing on the 'holding us all together' front, but to be fair these people have issues up to their eyeballs and which one of us has the steady employment? Besides, I wouldn't be lonely if everyone weren't dying or leaving! "Tell you why: You're always preaching not to be numb when that's how you thrive. You pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive." Hey, I'm just trying to be objective!
"Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive!" I burst out.
Roger, not appreciating the reminder that he, Mimi, and Collins are drying, taunts, "Poor baby."
I can't focus on my own issues, though; I'll have time for that when Roger's gone. I have to try and help him realize what a mistake he's making and how much he'll regret this. "Mimi still loves you, are you really jealous?" Just because Mimi's with Benny now…they're probably not even sleeping together seeing as how she has AIDS and Benny seems to be trying to make amends with us. "Or afraid that Mimi's weak?"
"Mimi did look pale," Roger admitted softly, unable to meet my eyes.
"Mimi's gotten thin; Mimi's running out of time and you're running out the door!" I accuse.
"No more!" Roger insists. "I've got to go," he says, putting on his jacket.
"Hey!" I stop him as he's about to leave. "For someone who's always been let down, who's heading out of town?"
"For someone who longs for a community of his own, who's with his camera, alone?" Roger goes right for the throat. He shakes his head and sighs. "I'll call," he promises. I doubt it. "I hate the fall." With that, he opens the door and sees Mimi standing outside, leaning against a wall. "You heard?"
"Every word," Mimi confirms, crossing her arms. Wow, she looks a lot worse than she did just a few hours ago. No wonder Roger's freaking out. His last girlfriend killed herself and now this one's wasting away. They just stare at each other for a minute before Roger heads for the stairs. "You don't want baggage without lifetime guarantees," Mimi decides, halting Roger in his tracks. "You don't want to watch me die, I just came to say goodbye love. Goodbye love, just came to say goodbye love, goodbye." Roger's turned around to stare at her by this point. "Goodbye love, goodbye love. Just came to say goodbye love, goodbye love. Goodbye love, goodbye…"
At some point, Roger forced himself to start moving again and is slowly descending the stairs. "Glory, one blaze of glory. I have to find…"
As Roger leaves the building, he encounters Benny, who is on his way in. They also having a staring contest, but Benny quickly looks away and runs up to see if Mimi's okay. He puts his hand on her back comfortingly, but she brushes him off.
"Please don't touch me understand I'm scared, I need to go away," Mimi says vaguely as she tries to flee towards the safety of her apartment.
"I know a place, a clinic," I volunteer. They managed to help Roger, after all.
"A rehab?" Benny asks, surprised.
Mimi stops. "Maybe, could you-?" she asks hopefully.
"I'll pay," Benny promises. Wow, he paid for Angel's funeral, the bar tab for four, AND Mimi's rehab in one day! That's it, we are officially friends again. If Roger doesn't like it, he can come back to New York and complain about it in person.
Of course, Mimi doesn't bother thanking him, she just runs back to her apartment. "Goodbye love, goodbye love, just came to say, goodbye love, goodbye. Just came to say goodbye love, goodbye! Hello…disease…"
Yeah, that girl REALLY needs some help.
Wow, it's almost depressing just how little traffic there is here in New Mexico. It's probably for the best, though, as my driving skills aren't exactly the greatest after living in New York and not having driven since…God, when did I get my license? 17?
"Don't breathe too deep, don't think all day," Mark's voice suddenly rang out. The hell? Is this going to be happening every time he decides to start a musical number, because I was kind of hoping to take a break from that by heading all the way across the country. You'd think he'd take a hint…damn you Benny and your glowing green rocks of destroying my peace!
"Dive into work. Drive the other way." Except…the image of Mark that's suddenly swimming in my head and making me grateful there are no other cars on the road for me to accidentally crash into while I'm distracted by this shows Mark on a bike. You RIDE bikes, Mark, you don't drive them. Easy mistake to make. "That drip of hurt, that pint of shame…goes away just play the game." Wow, Mark looks really angry as he's preparing to go film something for his Buzzline job. You'd almost think he hates it or something. Wait a second…he's not giving me advice on how to become a sellout, does he? Because it kind of sounds like it…crap, I totally left Mark alone in New York with no one to talk to but the blissfully happy reunited Maureen and Joanne or Benny, didn't I? Crap…Note to self, make sure to call periodically to make sure best friend does not go off deep end like ex-landlord.
"You're living in America, at the end of the millennium." I…kind of already knew that. Not really a big revelation. I'm actually kind of insulted he thinks I need to be reminded what decade and what country I'm in. Or perhaps I should be more worried he thinks HE needs to be reminded? Note to self: find pay phone. Soon. Maybe there's one at this car dealership I'm totally ditching my car for a guitar at? "You're living in America, leave your conscience at the tone." Seriously, how bad IS his job? Benny must really suck at allaying his fears. Not that I'm surprised, since Benny is, quite frankly, evil. God, not seeing him is making it really hard to hate him… And that had better not be his new answering machine message! "SPEAK!" is a work of brilliance!
"And when you're living in America, at the end of the millennium." Just in case, you know, you didn't get it the first two times. "You're what you own." Speaking of, I just bought a shiny red guitar! And it's cheaper than my car was! Yay! Since I'm currently feeling thrilled, I might as well throw Mark a bone and let him know I'm still alive.
"The filmmaker cannot see," I observe cryptically as Mark tries to edit together his footage for his movie. Wow, he makes a lot of progress without me around to periodically destroy his footage. But wait…what's his excuse for not finishing it when I was in rehab for six months?
"And the songwriter cannot hear," Mark shot back. Whoops, he seemed to take that personally or something. I REALLY should call… Interesting side note: did you know that if you stand on a street corner with your guitar case open on the ground and holding a guitar, people will throw money in as they walk by regardless of whether or not you're actually playing or just tanning? Santa Fe is awesome!
"Yet I see Mimi everywhere," I muse. And she never really does anything, just looks at me. Because she's not involved with Mark and my song, I'm a bit concerned I may be hallucinating. It's probably because I'm not used to so much sun…
"Angel's voice is in my ear," Mark confides. Okay, seeing ex-girlfriends that live halfway across the country is one thing. Hearing your dead friend's voice in your head is just crazy.
"Just tighten those shoulders," I advised Mark. Just ignore it and hope no one will commit you. After all, if you go crazy, who will deal with all of our various issues?
"Just clench your jaw till you frown," Mark adds, completely misunderstanding me.
"Just don't let go!" I beg him. Seriously, sanity is your friend. Maybe not my friend or our other friends' friend, but yours.
"Or you may drown. You're living in America at the end of the millennium," Mark and I chorus. And look! I've found scenery! New Mexico has scenery! Will wonders never cease? I wish I had a camera. Tragically, I felt bringing one would make me feel like Mark, so I'll just have to wonder around here for awhile hoping I'll remember it. "You're living in America where it's like the Twilight Zone." Honestly, me out of the apartment and exploring the world and Mark having a job and (possibly) paying rent like a nice, boring, productive member of society?
"And when you're living in America at the end of the millennium, you're what you own," Mark and I continue. Normally it's 'you are what you eat', but that's always seemed kind of strange. I mean, unless you were into cannibalism, I don't even see how that could possibly be considered accurate at all. "So I own not a notion, I escape and ape content. I don't own emotion I rent!" And I don't pay it, either.
"What was it about that night?" Mark begins and I echo. Of course, That Night will forever mean Christmas Eve of last year so it's not like we even need to elaborate at all. "Connection in an isolating age!" Seriously, it is REALLY weird how many things we got done over the holidays then. This year's Christmas will undoubtedly fail to live up to the hype. I will, however, be spending it with Mark as I've decided I've seen enough scenery so I might as well head home. I would trade my guitar in for a car again, but my guitar is nice and shiny and I really can't be bothered to make the long drive, so I'm going on a cross-country bus trip!
"For once the shadows gave way to light," Mark started while I was distracted since I'm totally finally getting around to writing my song! If I hurry, I should get it done this year. Anyway, I echo what he said again and with any luck he won't realize it wasn't intentional. "For once I didn't disengage…" Not for lack of trying, mind you. And how does 'Your Eyes' sound for a title?
"Angel, I hear you, I hear it, I see it," Mark says, running up to the roof. I'm still a bit concerned that he's talking to dead people and they're answering, but now that I'm back I can hopefully deal with it. "I see it my film. Alexi, Mark. Call me a hypocrite…I need to finish my own film. I quit!" Wait, so is he really quitting? Why can't he do both at the same time? I'm so confused…I'll need to talk to him about that. At least he stopped being a sellout, though. Maybe what he said would have made more sense if I weren't having my own singing epiphany at the time.
"Mimi, I see you. I hear it, I hear it, I hear it, my song!" Yay! We're finally accomplishing things! Too bad it took Angel dying for us to actually get around to finishing our lifelong projects. "One song glory…" Hey, wasn't that a song I wrote too? So I actually accomplished my goal months ago? Damn it, why didn't anyone tell me? Oh right, they weren't there… Ah well. Now I've got TWO songs and that's more than I ever thought I'd accomplish. "Mimi, your eyes…" I really should talk to her, it's been months.
"We're dying in America at the end of the millennium," the two of us sing in tandem. Well, I am, at any rate. Unless Mark's come down with radiation poisoning or something…And way for him to totally not notice I'm within seeing distance of him now. "We're dying in America to come into our own. And when you're dying in America." Mark turned around and saw me and even though he looked surprised – I never did get around to calling – we both made the silent decision to finish our song before reuniting properly. That's dedication.
"At the end of the millennium…you're not alone. I'm not alone. I'm not alone!" Wow, that's quite an epiphany. Of course, Mark will be alone if I ever get around to acting like I have AIDS but for now I can't be bothered, so we're good.
Ah! Mark just glomped me! Yeah, REALLY should have called first…
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