Violent World

by Zaney HacknSlash

Hunted by two powerful, new foes, the team begins to break apart. Loyalty and sanity are questioned, inner demons are unleashed, and for once, making it to India is the least of their problems. All Pov. Epic.

14. Chapter 14

I seriously considered omitting a lot of these next couple of chapters, but I enjoyed writing them so much, I couldn't bear to
So i've decided to just do whatever I want with this fic and have fun and try not to worry so much about whether or not it all makes sense. It's not like it's a novel, for fuck's sake. That being said, I still really appreciate the support on this one, since I am havin so much trouble finishing it.

Enjoy

Goku

I dragged my feet. Walking sucked—the road was really crappy, like people didn't walk on it very much, it was full of bumps and holes, and it was taking a really long time to get anywhere. I didn't mind the exercise. I barely noticed it. Normally maybe I wouldn't have minded having to walk at all, but everything was weird now.

Already we'd been walking for a day and a half, and I felt like things were weirder than ever. When I'd woke up after the fight, I didn't remember much, and that was normal. The others couldn't tell me much either. They said Ryptcore killed a bunch of the half-breeds, and Sanzo came back just in time to put my limiter back on. Then, with the help of Kougaiji and his buddy, they all chased Ryptcore off. Sanzo said he was injured and he probably wouldn't bother us anymore, and Hakkai was the only one who seemed to be hurt, but he just smiled and said it was from fighting that freak.

They all just smiled and told me everything was fine.

But I knew it wasn't. First of all, if Ryptcore wasn't going to bother us anymore, why was Kougaiji with us? He and his friend kept to themselves, walking off to the side of the road and whispering, but they were still there. They were the enemy, weren't there? Did they decide to join us?

What about all the dead hanyou. Even Feng was dead now, but why would Ryptcore kill them? I mean, he was crazy, but he was out to get the four of us, and I just didn't believe he would have bothered with them. From what I remembered, before I lost my diadem, he wasn't acting all that interested in anyone besides me and Hakkai. Someone even more out of control than he was must have killed them

I knew it could have been me. I got crazy and I couldn't remember what I did, so for all I knew…
But I didn't want it to be me, so I let myself believe it was Ryptcore.

So now the rest of the half-breeds, plus the psycho girl, and Kougaiji and Dokugaku were all going with us. That wasn't normal, but no one could tell me what was happening.

My friends were acting weird too.

Sanzo was quieter than ever. He just grunted and snorted a lot, even when I asked him stuff. He toyed with his gun all the time, and I had to remind myself that it wasn't loaded. I caught him checking over his shoulder and looking around when we weren't paying attention to him, like maybe he thought somebody was going to sneak up on him when he wasn't prepared. But maybe that was just 'cause Kougaiji was around. I don't know. It just looked like he was really on edge, ready to act in a heartbeat.

Hakkai frowned way more than usual. Unless he was talking to someone else, he just stared ahead and frowned. Jade was always a few feet from him, and she just kept whispering and whispering to him, and whatever she was saying must have really sucked, 'cause he just frowned more and more and more. Sometimes I saw him touching his stomach where that big, nasty scar was supposed to be, like it hurt or something, but I couldn't figure out why. A wound that old shouldn't bother him anymore, should it? Then he'd just smile at me and tell me something about the forest around us, or ask me if I was hungry or something normal. He was nice, like always, but something about it was just really off. I didn't like seeing Jade so close to him, and I didn't like the ways she touched him, stroking his arm and petting his shoulder and running her fingers through his hair and down his back and stuff. He just let her, but I couldn't figure out why. I couldn't figure out what she was trying to do.

Gojyo just seemed pissed. About everything. He stayed away from Sanzo, and whenever he did get too close to him, or they happened to talk, they'd just wind up arguing, and Hakkai barely bothered to break it up before they were fighting. He frowned a lot too, like Sanzo, but it was a different kind of frown. Maybe 'Cause Sanzo frowned no matter what, and Gojyo usually looked so chill. He barely ate when we took breaks, he paced around camp at night, and he was always rubbing his forehead like he was sweating, even when it wasn't warm, and coughing for some reason. I watched him ask Sanzo for cigarettes a couple times, but they were so sick of each other, he always got shut down. After a while, I realized he didn't have any of his own. I'd never realized before what a big deal that was, but it was really affecting his mood. He didn't hang out with Lei like I thought he would. He didn't even try to sleep with her at night. He also stayed way far away from Kougaiji and Dokugaku, like they had the plague or something. He talked to me and Hakkai, but he just seemed pissed off about something. I wondered if he'd leave when we got to the other half-breed village.

They were all acting so tense and pissy, I didn't know what to do with myself. If I even tried to whine about being hungry, somebody yelled at me right away. Whenever I asked questions no one answered, not even Hakkai. I didn't know how to help them, but I really wanted to—I really wanted stuff to be normal—but I felt pretty crazy myself. Hakkai was running around, taking his limiter off whenever he wanted to, but he still kept some of his sanity. I hated not being able to remember what I did without my limiter: I hated knowing I'd done something terrible and couldn't even be held responsible for it, because it wasn't really me who did it. Worse than that, I felt like I was just going crazy. I couldn't even be responsible for my own actions. Whatever I did, it was so terrible, my friends couldn't even tell me about it. Every spare chance I got, I was worrying about it. What if it happened again? What if some day I couldn't make it back? Some day, my friends might not be able to help me. Some day, I might kill them all before they could. Then what? I was really scared of what was going to happen next—what if Ryptcore came back and I lost it again? I wasn't stupid;I knew I was out of control: what if I killed someone? What if I killed one of my friends? How was I supposed to deal with that? How was I supposed to not feel nuts? Right now, what I really needed, was for someone to just tell me things were going to be okay.

I looked back at Sanzo, who was walking just a few steps behind me. He wasn't exactly a sensitive, comforting kind of guy, but he was always honest, and even if he couldn't tell me something that would fix everything, at least he was good at making me see that things would be all right one way or another. Today though, he looked so irritated, I wasn't sure I should bother him.

Ahead of me, Lei tripped and landed on her hands and knees in the dust. Deshi stopped to crouch beside her, and a couple of the other half-breeds gathered around.

I forgot about Sanzo for a moment and jogged up to her, "You okay?"

She looked up at me through her bangs, like she was mad or somethin'. I saw that there was some blood on her skirt, and for the first time I realized her left leg was injured. It didn't look too bad though.

"Did Ryptcore do that to ya'?" I asked.

"No." Her voice was shaking. She sounded like she hated me. "It wasn't Ryptcore."

"Then what-"

Hakkai was suddenly beside me, offering her his hand and talking quickly, like he was trying to interrupt me. "If you want, I can heal that. It doesn't appear to be very serious, but I'm sure it's difficult to travel like this."

"Yeah. We woulda' helped ya' if we knew." I smiled.

"No thank you." Lei recoiled, and her voice was anything but thankful. "I don't need anything from either of you."

"I see." Hakkai put his hands in his pockets, "Well maybe we should rest a while. What do you say, Sanzo?"

"We already had a break two hours ago. There's no time for another."

"Ah, yes, but that's a rather long time to go without stopping if you're unaccustomed to travel as we are."

"No kidding." Gojyo agreed, "It ain't fair to expect them to-"

"They weren't invited in the first place." Sanzo snapped. "They're already slowing us down enough, so either they keep walking or we leave them behind. Is that clear?"

"They're not slowing us down that much." Gojyo challenged. He sounded really, really pissed. Maybe because he hadn't had a cigarette in so long.

I saw that they were about to start fighting again; they were standing face to face, fists clenched, meeting each others' gaze with flashing eyes.

"Kappa, if you want to stop and sit here with them, be my guest. The rest of us are moving on with the mission."

"The mission, the mission, the mission. Is that seriously the only thing you care about?"

"As if you're one to talk. Everyone knows you don't care about anything but yourself."

"Where do you get off saying something fucked up like that?"

"Just look at you. Obviously you don't give a shit about the mission. You're bored and you want to move on. Hakkai's right, you do need to grow up."

"Hey, Sanzo, I'm still on this ass-sucking quest, aren't I?"

"For how long? I can't count on any of you piss-poor youkai!"

I stared at Sanzo. He sounded really…. I couldn't quite put my finger on what he was getting at, and I didn't really understand what he was upset about, but I could tell that something was seriously bothering him.

"Hakkai…" I glanced at him, but he was just watching them. No, he wasn't even doing that much. It looked like he was staring off into space, and I knew he wasn't going to break them up this time.

"Maybe if you weren't such an asshole you wouldn't have to worry about that."

"I'm not the one with the problem, Gojyo. You're the immature little prick who can't face up to responsibility."

"Excuse the hell outta' me for not being born with a pipe up my ass!"

I looked around. Everyone was staring at them. The half-breeds all looked edgy and nervous, Jade was just smiling like it was funny, but Kougaiji and Dokugakuji were shaking their heads and whispering. I wondered if maybe it was really bad for the two of them to see Sanzo and Gojyo not getting along.

"Hey guys!" I said as loudly as I could, "I'm really hungry. Are we almost to the next town?"

It was enough to get them both to turn their heads and glare at me. "Monkey, have you lost your mind?" Gojyo demanded.

Hakkai stepped in, "Goku, you know the next town is three days away. Of course we're nowhere near it."

"Yeah, but…I'm so hungry, Hakkai!"

"In that case, perhaps the best thing to do at this point is to hurry onward." He turned to look at the others, "Wouldn't you agree? Sanzo? Gojyo?"

Gojyo kicked at the ground.

Sanzo snorted. He threw his cigarette butt down at Gojyo's feet, "Smoke that, you sunnova bitch. Maybe it'll help you calm down."

"You arrogant, little-"

"C'mon ya' damn Kappa." I shoved him playfully, "I'll race ya'!"

"Race? To where?"

"I do believe you'd win that race, Goku." Hakkai laughed, helping Lei to her feet, even though it looked like she didn't want him touching her at all. "I've heard nicotine withdrawals are quite brutal."

"Fuck you!" Gojyo snarled. He didn't look like he was even half-way kidding.

"Speaking of being immature, it looks as if some of us don't know how to take a joke."

"Who's immature? You're the one who can't quit makin' fun of everybody-"

I pushed him again, a little more insistently this time. "Hey, the sooner we get ta' town, the sooner we can buy ya' cigarettes."

"He has a point." Hakkai said, grabbing his arm and starting to pull him forward. "In the meantime, please try to steer clear of Sanzo."

Gojyo grumbled something and kept walking.

I heaved a sigh of relief. I barely managed to stop them from fighting this time. Hopefully things would calm down soon and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

Sanzo was making his way steadily toward the front of the group, and now Jade was the only one in front of him, but I didn't think he'd try to pass her. He looked distracted, glancing around the woods again, but other than that, he seemed normal. It was real hard to tell with Sanzo sometimes. He was always so cranky, who knew when there was something really wrong?

I trotted after him.

When he was yelling at Gojyo…. They never got along, not from the first day they met, but when Sanzo was yelling at Gojyo, I felt like there was something else he wasn't saying.

"Hey, Sanzo!"

"I know, I know, you're hungry. I heard you the first time, monkey."

I really was starving. My stomach growled and I rubbed it, forced myself to think about something else. I wasn't used to doing that, but at a time like this, I knew that being hungry would just have to wait. "Can I walk with ya'?"

"Hn. I don't care what you do."

He sounded even more guarded than usual. I might not even be able to talk to him when he was like this, but I just wanted to be close to him.

We walked a ways, side by side, and I tried not to think too much, but I kept replaying the fight with Ryptcore in my mind, over and over. As much of it as I could remember anyway, and then I thought about waking up after the fight.

I'd woken up in the seat, even though Jeep wasn't moving, and my whole body felt really, really good. I felt strong and healthy and ready to conquer anything that crossed me. I didn't ache like I'd expected I would, but that was no surprise. I never woke up in pain after losing my limiter. It was just like waking up from a dream.

A bad dream that is. Memories of being that…that thing were usually in pieces, but they were never nice pieces. They were clips of awful, nasty stuff. I remembered consciously wanting to kill Sanzo and all my friends. I didn't want to remember what other evil things I'd done. I didn't want anyone to tell me about it. I wanted to hear someone say out loud that I wasn't going crazy. Everything was going to be fine.

"Um, can I ask a question?"

He sounded like he was just giving up. "What?"

"…That girl. Lei…"

"Who?"

"The half-breed girl." I chanced a look back at her. She was limping along beside Gojyo, holding Deshi's hand. She looked sad, and I felt super bad for her. I mean, she lost everybody she ever knew in just a coupla' days.

"What about her?"

"She's hurt-"

"It's not my problem, Goku."

"Yeah, but…how'd she get that way? Who did it?"

He glanced off his shoulder at me, then away, "I have no idea—I missed it."

I knew he was lying to me. It was risky to push, but I had to. "She told me it wasn't Ryptcore, so was it Hakkai, or was it…?"

"That idiot probably did it himself when they were fooling around."

"Wha? Wh-" It took me a second to realize he meant Gojyo. It was the weirdest, weakest thing Sanzo could have said. I didn't know if he was trying to distract me or if he just want to bust on Gojyo some more. Either way, it didn't help me at all. "I'm bein' serious."

"So am I."

I decided I'd better just get to the point. "I did that, didn't I? An' the half-breeds who're dead…like Feng… I killed them."

He was quiet a second. "I don't know. I wasn't there."

Did he really not know, or did he not want to tell me the truth? I'd never had a hard time getting the truth out of Sanzo before. For all the time I'd ever known him, I was always able to get the real story out of Sanzo, even if it was painful or hard or sad. I trusted him not to lie to me.

But, I also trusted him to be on my side when things got bad, and maybe if that got tough, he would lie to me, just so I'd be okay in the end.

"I wish I could remember. The things I do when I'm…like that…I can't remember them. Do ya' think that's a good thing or a bad thing?"

Sanzo didn't answer. He was being really weird.

I was starting to feel like I was talking to myself, "I dunno' what ta' do. It keeps happenin'. I know it's gonna' happen again, 'specially if we gotta' fight that guy again, an' ev'rytime I lose it I hurt somebody. I don't wanna' hurt anybody; I really don't wanna' hurt you guys. I just don't know how ta' make it stop. I feel like I'm goin' crazy."

Some day, I might not make it back, and then Sanzo would have to kill me, just like he said. That was good. I didn't want to be berserk and run around killing innocent people.

Still…

"The longer this journey goes, the more dangerous stuff gets—the more dangerous I get—I feel like…every enemy we face is just a little stronger than the last one. Maybe by th' time we all get ta' India I'll hafta' take it off just ta' survive, an' then what'll happen to me? I-I don't wanna' die, but I don't wanna' run around actin' nuts either. I don't know how ta' win this thing."

Sanzo finally spoke, "No one's making you stay, Goku." His voice was quiet, but there was a hard, angry edge to it. It was so strange, I wasn't sure I heard him right.

"What?"

"No one is making the three of you do this, and frankly I'd probably be better off without you insane halfwits tagging along, so if that's really how you feel, maybe you should just turn around now and go home."

I stopped and stared at him, "Sanzo…"

He kept walking, not even looking at me.

What did that mean? Did Sanzo not want me with him anymore? Was he seriously trying to tell me to go away? No. It was something else—it had to be. It had to do with whatever it was I heard in his voice earlier, whatever it was that had him checking over his shoulder every five seconds.

Sanzo doesn't trust me…

The thought hit me like a rock. He didn't trust Gojyo to stick around, he didn't trust Hakkai not to take his limiter off and go insane, and he didn't trust me not to go insane either. He didn't trust any of us.

I got over my shock and ran after him, caught up to him easy, ignoring the weird looks the others gave me, "Wait a minute, Sanzo. You…you know I'd never do that, right? I'd never just leave you guys like that."

"If there's anything I've seen on this absurdly irritating little trip of ours, it's that nothing is certain."

"No." I said firmly. "It don't matter, Sanzo. I'd never-"

"We all have our pasts, Goku. We all have things we'd walk away from everything for. That's all this is—those other two morons are letting their shit bother them too much."

I thought he was kinda' a hypocrite for saying that, but I didn't tell him so.

"They're letting it get in the way, and when Hakkai goes insane and Gojyo leaves, that will be why."

"Yeah, but I don't got any weird stuff in my past, Sanzo. I ain't got any crazy scars that're gonna' make me run away, an' I don't think they-"

"I don't know what any of you are going to do, ever. I've never pretended to be able to predict or control your actions, and I don't expect any of you to hang around. Whatever's going to happen will happen, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. But I won't be surprised by it. Not this time."

After that, I let him walk on by himself, watching him from a distance for a long, long time, and I felt sad and sorry and even kind of guilty, but I didn't know why. I didn't know why Sanzo was acting like this: he was just assuming we were all gonna' ditch him one way or another, without warning; as far as I knew, he'd never felt that way before. Why now?

Not this time… What did he mean by that anyway?

I glanced around me. Hakkai was walking with Jade. She was holding his arm tightly, and they were talking quietly. Gojyo was surrounded by the other half-breeds. They were hanging off him and talking to him and a couple were even laughing. We'd never had other people travel with us before. I thought it was strange that none of us were hanging out like we usually did—those two were distracted. Maybe Sanzo was right…

No. I couldn't believe that. I didn't want to believe that Hakkai and Gojyo would abandon Sanzo without a thought.

Walking slowly, I brought up the rear of the group. The hunger was just a bitter side note now, pushed off to the side of my stomach, and my guts felt knotted and tight. I reached up to touch my diadem. If some day I did lose it and I couldn't get back…if for some reason my friends couldn't help me… What then? Who knew where I'd go? I knew I'd be causing pain wherever I went, but beyond that… Would I even be myself? I'd be alone, I knew. I'd be bent on killing and eating everything I came across. I definitely wouldn't keep going west with Sanzo. The worst part was that it could happen at any time, and I'd never see it coming. Sanzo knew that.

He was being so pessimistic though, just assuming it was going to happen.

It might not.

It might.

There was nothing I could do…

The idea was so scary to me, I almost lost my appetite, and I walked the rest of the day without talking to any of my friends. They didn't talk to me either though. Gojyo didn't try to tease me. Hakkai didn't check up on me. It was like I didn't exist. I felt so lonely I could barely stand it, and I was scared. I was watching everything crumble around me, helpless to do anything, and I wasn't used to that. I was used to things falling apart a little maybe, but I wasn't used to having to handle it all by myself. I was used to the guys standing with me. I didn't think about it much, but everyone of them treated me like their little brother, even Sanzo…especially Sanzo. It was weird. Normally I didn't think in terms of who was strongest, but I knew deep down that I was stronger than any of them, even Hakkai, and they knew it too, but I had always felt like all of them were looking out for me in their own way. Like I was a kid. It sucked that today they didn't feel like doing that. Not that I needed them to, but…

I was just so used to it.

Sanzo didn't decide to call a break until the sun was already setting; he said we should set up for camp, and then he went and sat down under a huge tree, smoking and being quiet. The other half-breeds sat down too—it looked like most of them were exhausted. All day, they'd been avoiding me and giving me mean looks, so I tried to stay away from them. Kougaiji and Dokugakuji walked a ways a way and started setting up their own camp. Jade disappeared completely, as far as I could tell. I wondered if she even slept.

My stomach growled, but I still felt so unhappy, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if eating would help the empty feeling I had.

Hakkai and Gojyo bickered for a moment. I watched them. Gojyo sat down with Lei and Deshi, and then Hakkai came over to him and asked him if he'd please help gather together some firewood. Gojyo complained about being tired and needing a cigarette and wanting food and his ribs hurting and everything else he could possibly whine about before Hakkai gave him some half-insult half-threat, smiling the whole time, and he got up with a sigh to help. It was probably the most normal thing I'd seen all day. It made me think that maybe their friendship, or whatever it was they had, was the only thing that hadn't gotten totally blown apart over the last few days, and I remembered how worried Gojyo had seemed right up until Ryptcore burned the half-blood village down. Would that have gone away since then?

When the fire was ready, Hakkai asked me if I'd help him make dinner. I agreed, but it was hard to focus, even on food, when I was still thinking about Sanzo and my limiter and everything. I watched Hakkai out of the corner of my eye. He sure was crazy strong without his limiter. He was freaking scary. His eyes could be so…

I shivered. He might go insane if he took his limiter off again. No one told me much about last night, but Gojyo made sure I knew that it was harder than before to deal with Hakkai—he'd tried to hurt Sanzo and everything—Gojyo made sure I knew that next time…

That would mean no more Hakkai, just like that.

But…he's not doin' it on purpose.

Was he?

Hakkai noticed me looking at him, "Is something wrong, Goku? You're being awfully quiet."

"Nn. Just thinkin'."

"Are you hungry?"

"Yeah. A little…"

He gave me a weird look. "Do you feel all right?"

"Yeah. I'm thinkin' about last night…"

"Oh. I see." Something about his voice told me he didn't want to talk about it.

I watched him quietly a while.

"Dya' remember stuff?" I asked eventually. It seemed harmless enough.

"What do you mean?"

"Like stuff from last night…dya' remember what it's like?"

"Yes, for the most part I do. Granted…the memories are a bit fuzzy and blurred, as if they're going by in fast motion. Over all though, I think I could chronologize the night with accuracy."

"Lei an' Feng…an' ev'rybody. Didj'a…I mean, we're you the one who…hurt them?"

Hakkai froze. "Why would you ask such a thing?"

Hakkai was crazy smart too. I didn't think he actually had to ask why.

"I just need to know."

"I'm afraid I don't quite remember that detail, Goku."

"Ya' don't remember if ya' killed a buncha' people?"

"I believe it was Ryptcore."

"Lei told me it wasn't him."

"Well then…it must have been me."

Or me. He wouldn't want to tell me it was me. I knew they didn't just die on their own.

He laughed suddenly, tossing a scrap of wood on the fire, "I must really be going insane."

It was too strange to watch him laugh about that. I suddenly couldn't look at him, and I mumbled, "You ain't goin' insane, Hakkai."

He didn't say anything.

"I wish I could remember somethin'. Anything. I wish I could at least take the blame for what I did."

"No, Goku." He answered softly. "You don't want that. Sometimes memories are terribly painful." He touched his stomach again, winced slightly. "In any case, you weren't yourself, so any blame would be inappropriate."

"Ya' think it's good I can't remember?"

"In a sense I suppose so. I suppose I envy you a bit." He was just staring into the fire now. "There are many things I'd like to forget."

Like trying to kill Gojyo and Sanzo and me. That would be a really crappy memory to get stuck with. I guess even when I tried to kill them, stuff was so scattered when I came to, it was almost like just having a messed up, little dream. I couldn't imagine how it would feel to be so close to those feelings. It wouldn't be like going to sleep and just having a dream about trying to kill your friends. It would be like…really, seriously wanting to kill your friends, out of nowhere. Just like being in the mood to eat something specific.

Like the other night, before Ryptcore burned the village down, the way he'd almost ripped Gojyo's face off in the park. Gojyo's. The two of them had been friends even longer than I'd known them. I wasn't stupid—I knew Hakkai would do anything for Gojyo, and the other way around too. How bad would it suck to just suddenly have this bizarre appetite to want to rip your best friend open?

How much would it suck to want to kill Sanzo after everything Hakkai owed him? I didn't know exactly what Hakkai thought he owed Sanzo, but I knew he was really grateful for the things he'd done for him when he was still called Gonou.

It would be so awful. I didn't know how he could deal with that. I didn't want to think about how terrible he must be feeling, and I wished there was something I could say. Not to fix it. Just to help.

After all, I'd do anything for any of them. Anything.

Suddenly I remembered a conversation I'd had with Gojyo a long time ago, after I'd removed my limiter and almost killed Kougaiji and Dokugakuji and even Sanzo, Gojyo and Hakkai. I remembered how he put his arm around me and wouldn't really look at me.

"You didn't do anything wrong…you were just doing what you thought was right…so stop your pathetic apology for killing me. Do I look dead to you?"

"'Sokay, Hakkai." I touched his shoulder, wishing I could say what Gojyo had said. Wishing I had more to offer. "Ya' didn't do nothin' wrong…I mean…you ain't really yourself either…like that. 'Sides, we're all okay."

"That, unfortunately, doesn't change the facts, Goku."

I knew that was true too. He still tried to kill us. Just like I still tried to kill them. I sat back and looked up at the stars, wishing things could be simple again. "Ev'rything feels so outta' control, Hakkai."

"I must agree with you there." He answered very, very softly.

"It's like we can't even deal with that freak Ryptcore right now…'cause ev'rything's such a mess. I'm scared that the next time I fight 'im, if I lose my limiter again, it'll be too much."

I noticed how he flicked his ear when I mentioned the limiter, but he didn't offer any comfort. Usually Hakkai was good for comfort. He was logical and smart and always calm and composed. If no one else ever said the right thing, I knew I could count on him to say it, because he wasn't scared to tell me the truth, and yet… He was just so nice. No matter what, he was always nice.

Tonight though, he stayed silent, and I got the feeling he didn't have anything to tell me, because we were in the exact same situation. I felt selfish for even thinking he might be able to help me, and I wished I hadn't brought it up at all.

"What should we do?" I asked, when a long, long time had passed. I figured, even if we were in the same boat, he might have a good idea. He might have a plan. At least I didn't have to sink alone. Maybe I could rely on Hakkai. I knew I could. I always had before. And he could count on me. We could help each other figure this out.

With a sigh, he too tilted his head back to stare up at the sky, "I wish I knew."

Again, I felt that familiar sinking feeling, so much worse than being hungry, and everything seemed completely hopeless. Sanzo couldn't help me. Hakkai didn't know what to say. I sure as hell didn't have the answers. No one did.

Gojyo came over and threw down an armload of firewood, then sat down between us heavily, "Damn that sucked." He was quiet for a quick moment before he asked, "So. What're you guys mopin' about over here?"

"Nothing very important—Goku and I were merely discussing our situation."

"Yeah? What did'ja decide?"

Hakkai smiled quietly, "That we are utterly hopeless."

More silence passed, and just when I thought he didn't know what to say at all, he was like, "That's sorta' a bleak verdict, huh?"

Hakkai laughed, but it didn't sound real. I don't know why he bothered—Gojyo wasn't trying to be funny, was he?

"C'mon, you guys don't really think this's the end of the journey, do you?" He sounded sort of annoyed, I thought, like he didn't like it that Hakkai was laughing about something so serious.

Still, Hakkai kept smiling, but I thought he looked super sad too, just like Lei did. Just like everyone else. When he answered, I thought it sounded like he was owning up to something. "I don't know, Gojyo. It may be. And it's not even Ryptcore that concerns me—all together, I believe we can finish him—but there are so many other things, such internal issues, I don't see how we can possibly over come them, and if we don't, they will continue to stand in the way. How can we possibly continue if-"

Gojyo hauled off and punched him in the arm out of nowhere. It looked like it actually hurt pretty bad, and I found myself wincing sympathetically.

"Shaddup, Hakkai."

Hakkai turned to him, half-angry, half confused, rubbing his arm. "Why did you-"

"You got no right to be so depressing. This, all this bullshit—Ryptcore, that psycho chick, takin' your limiter off—it's just a speed bump. Goku, you go through this all the fuckin' time, and you're still just your tiny-minded self, right?"

I couldn't help feeling sort of confused too. I was still trying to process why he'd hit him out of nowhere, so I didn't even know what to say.

"This shitty, fucking journey is never ending, you guys got that?" Gojyo grinned suddenly, firelight making his red eyes almost sparkle. "Hell, we'd be lucky to get out that easy."

At last I found my voice, "Yeah, but…stuff's really, really bad, Gojyo…"

I felt sort of stupid for saying that to him, and as soon as it was out, part of me wanted to apologize.

Gojyo cocked his mouth to the side, looked into the fire, almost depressed, kinda.

"Perhaps you're right…though." Hakkai told him slowly. "It does seem as if it's much too early to be cashing in the proverbial chips, doesn't it?"

Gojyo took that and ran with it, "Damn straight, I'm right, sunshine. It's way too early to cash in the damn chips, especially for you. You can always get shit for a hand and still beat out everybody else at the table, so what're you all bent outta' shape for? And you Goku. You're not a quitter, no matter how out of control everything is. You're a fucking fighter.

"Hell, what makes you guys wanna' give up so easy anyway? You've both always been fuckin' crazy, haven't you? Why does it suddenly make such a big difference?"

It felt like the most he'd said all day, and there was this weird tone in his voice…I dunno' what it was. Like he wasn't scared, even when I thought he should be. We all knew that either of us could tear him apart in a fight, if we felt like it, and more and more it was looking like we were going to feel like it pretty soon. But still. He didn't sound scared. He sounded way sure of what he was saying. He sounded like he believed in us. When he looked me in the eyes, I felt like he believed in me. That reminded me of what Hakkai had told me a long, long time ago, about how you had to do everything you could when someone believed in you, 'cause you didn't wanna' let them down.

"Besides." He snorted, "There's no way I'm going all the way to India, alone with Master Sanzo. I'm dragging you crazy bastards with me, no matter what happens."

I laughed suddenly. Picturing Sanzo and Gojyo, alone on the road to India was just…silly. There's no way they'd make it. He was right; we all had to go together.

"So quit bein' sad." Gojyo finished roughly. "It's totally annoying."

Smiling still, I kept looking up at the stars. For all we knew, Gojyo was right. This was just a bump in the road: we'd get over it and go on our way. No big deal. We'd kill Ryptcore. We'd get rid of Jade. Everything would be normal again. All we had to do was stick together, and I didn't believe for a second that either of them were going anywhere. No matter how weird today was, I suddenly didn't believe that Hakkai or Gojyo would ever leave me behind. Together, we'd show Sanzo he was wrong. Somehow.

You're not a quitter….you're a fucking fighter.

I grinned to myself.

Barely even thinking about it, I leaned over and rested my head on Gojyo's shoulder, and he slipped his arm around my neck without hesitation, then draped the other one over Hakkai's shoulder, and the three of us sat that way a long, long time. They talked a little, and I just listened to their familiar voices until my stomach was rumbling and I realized the empty feeling was gone.

---

Gojyo

"Hey, wake up. Gojyo-san… Wake up."

I opened my eyes to find Deshi leaning over me, grinning from ear to ear.

"You're awake."

Where the hell am I?

I glanced around. The sky above us was just barely, barely pink, and the forest was quiet. I was still lying between Hakkai and Goku, and the fire was starting to die out.

"C'mon." Deshi pulled at my jacket, "Come with me."

"Nn. Where?" I reached into my pocket, automatically looking for cigarettes, even when I knew I didn't have any. "What time is it?"

"Dunno. Morning. C'mon, lets go explore!"

"Explore? What're you talkin' about…?" I felt anything but up for that. My ribs were still bothering me, for one thing. Also, I really, really, really needed a cigarette. Already my head was hurting and sleeping had been almost impossible last night, so I felt exhausted. My throat was sore, and I just felt…lost. More than anything. Along with being annoyed and nervous and confused, I felt like I couldn't even function. I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere or even try to move on. I just wanted to lie down again and sleep forever.

"Let's have a look around, yeah? Nobody else is awake yet." Deshi kept pulling on my jacket.

I didn't know if I should snap at him or just go with it.

I guess I did promise to hang out with the little guy…

That was before everything in his world went to hell, and now I figured he needed the distraction more than ever.

"Right, I noticed that." Finally I got to my feet, but I felt like I was just going to fall on my face again. Why did life have to be so freakin' tough all the time? Why couldn't I just have my cigarettes? Why couldn't I just be back home, in my town, in my bed, with some tart, sleeping through this ungodly hour?

Deshi started pulling me through the camp, whispering about something or other. We stepped over Sanzo, and I thought about accidentally kicking him in the side, just because he was an ass, decided I was too tired to fight right now. Next we passed Lei and the leftovers from her village. She looked really pretty in the morning light, and I was starting to regret not sleeping with her yet.

Deshi pulled me out onto the main road, and back the way we'd come yesterday. He was all excited about something.

My lungs were hurting and my face was sweating even though we hadn't gone more than a few yards so far.

He was blabbering about something.

"…saw this trail over here yesterday, but Lei wouldn't let me leave the group to check it out."

"Trail?" I coughed.

"Yeah. I wonder where it leads."

What was up with this kid anyway? What was he so interested in me for? He was pretty chipper for a kid who'd just lost all his friends and his home.

Oh, yeah, I remind him of his brother…

That really sucked for both of us.

The kid led me back along the road until we came to a narrow path branching off into the trees. Trail was a serious overstatement. It looked like nobody had set foot on it for years.

Deshi crouched down next to it, "Where dya' think it goes, Gojyo-san?"

"Nn. I dunno.'" I rubbed the bridge of my nose, desperately trying to massage the headache away. "Probably nowhere. Let's just go back to camp."

Come to think of it, coming out here by ourselves was a pretty bad idea. I looked around to make sure no one was sneaking up on us.

"Aren't you curious?"

"Not really."

He pulled his goggles down over his eyes, "Well I am. C'mon! It'll be fun."

Walking down some God-forsaken trail at four in the morning with nothing but a hyper kid for company didn't sound very fun, but he ran in there, and I'd be a serious scum bag to let him go alone, so I had to follow him.

The trail was even narrower than it looked. The tree branches reached in to grab at my clothes and hair, and every other step I took I was tripping over some damn log or shit like that. I felt like shit too. I was all shaky and tingly and my stomach felt gross, like I was going to have to barf soon. I swiped the sweat off my forehead with a shaking hand and tried to get a grip, focusing on not losing the canned garbage I'd eaten last night.

Deshi chattered away, completely unaware that anything was wrong. He picked up a stick and swung it like a sword. "Gojyo, you're a warrior, huh?"

I shoved my fists into my pockets. At the moment, I didn't feel like a warrior, and something about those words made me think of that old bastard Hu, calling me a warrior and asking me to think about what he'd said. What had he said? The conversation was fuzzy in my mind. I guess he'd said not to run away from the only people who understood me, and that just made me think about how Sanzo was so irritatingly sure that I was going to run out on the group. If that was what he thought of me, maybe I should just go with Lei and Deshi—they needed me more than the others did anyway—and I'd hate to disappoint high and mighty master Sanzo. Who knew? Maybe these other hanyou losers really could understand me better than anyone else could.

No. It was like what I'd told Goku and Hakkai last night. I couldn't just bail on them now, that wouldn't be cool. Somebody had to hang around and make sure they didn't go crazy. Someone who wasn't going to put a bullet between their eyes the moment they said boo.

"Gojyo?"

Deshi was staring up at me with wide, curious eyes.

"Oh. Sorry, kid, just thinking. Um. I don't know. I guess I am."

"I saw your weapon. It's really cool. You kill people with it, don't you?"

"Only the bad guys, kiddo." I tried to smile at him, but I just felt like throwing up all the more.

He nodded and went back to swinging at tree branches, "When I grow up, I wanna' be a warrior too. Feng always told us we got a right to defend ourselves."

"Hn. That bastard got something right after all."

Deshi was quiet a second. "You…didn't like Feng, right?"

Way to go, Gojyo. "It's not that I didn't like him." I thought as quickly as I could for something nice to say about Feng, but I really couldn't think of anything other than the fact that I really wanted a cigarette and the fact that the guy hit me in the face for nothing. "We just…didn't get each other."

"Yeah. That's what Lei told me too. She said you guys are really different."

I wondered just how much Lei said about me when I wasn't around. "Were you close to Feng?"

Deshi stopped swinging the stick suddenly, and a long time passed before he answered me, "A little. I guess…he was kinda' like a dad to a buncha' us kids: he protected everyone. He was as close to a dad as I ever had."

If that didn't suck, what did? I felt a pit of black guilt eating into my already upset stomach as I realized it was probably one of my own team mates that had killed that asshole.

That's not my fault. I thought absently, but Hakkai was right…I was all too ready to take the blame, and the words 'I'm sorry' slipped out of my mouth before I could even think about it.

Deshi didn't act like he heard me. He went back to playing around with his fake sword, "Feng was tough. Real tough. In our village, anyone's allowed to challenge the leader to try to take his place, but nobody could ever beat Feng. He was the strongest guy there. He was really cool too, and super brave. Any time something tried to attack us, he always went out to fight, sometimes one-on-one. This one time, not that long ago, this crazy youkai attacked the village and tried to kill some people. Feng fought him—he got hurt really bad, but he won."

So Feng fought off a berserk youkai? I guess he'd been tougher than I gave him credit for. Then again, he did survive that first fight with Ryptcore.

Deshi was quiet again for a moment, "I don't know what we're gonna' do without him. He took care of everybody…now that he's gone, I don't know what to do."

The way he said it gave me the feeling that he wanted me to tell him something to make everything better. I ran my hand back through my hair, feeling irritated and useless. "Life's…just like that sometimes, kid. When you got someone to look up to, there's never any guarantee they're going to be around forever. That's why you have to learn to take care of yourself. Then you won't need anyone else."

"Like Seiji." Deshi almost whispered. "I always thought Seiji would be there… He was all I had. Then, before I knew it, he was gone, just like everyone else."

This conversation was getting way too close to home for me, but I wasn't sure how to end it. It wasn't like I could just stop him—I'd have to explain myself, and there was no way I was going to do that. "Feng was right though, Desh." I muttered, feeling completely inept when it came to giving advice to a kid. There were still so many things I didn't get or hadn't made peace with myself, so how was I supposed to tell him anything worthwhile? "You have every right to defend yourself. If you stay strong and don't let 'em get you down, you'll be okay."

Absently, I ran my fingers down the scars on my face. If only someone had told me that when I was Deshi's age. Maybe I wouldn't have been so content to sit by and watch as my mother tried to kill me.

Deshi laughed out of nowhere. I was startled to hear that when we were having such a serious conversation, "Lei was right about you."

I stopped to stare down at him, "What's that supposed to mean? What did she say?"

"Nothin'." He grinned mischievously.

"Nothing, my ass, you little punk. What did she say about me?"

"I'm not telling." He broke away suddenly, laughing.

I started after him. "Hey! Get back here! I'm so not chasing you—just tell me what she said."

"What do you care?" He danced just a little out of arm's reach, stuck his tongue out at me, "Do you like her?"

"Don't be a brat." I made a grab for his arm, "Just tell me what she said!"

Deshi laughed even more, "You do like her, don't you?"

"Sure, sure, what's not to like. Now tell me what she said." Finally I managed to get my hands on him, held him tight under my arm to give him a rough noogie.

"Owe, owe! Alright! Okay!" Deshi pried at my wrist, but I was too strong for him, "I'll tell you! I'll tell you!"

I let him go, and he slumped to the ground, laughing.

"Well?"

He shoved his goggles back on to the top of his head, "She said you're a nice guy."

I scowled at him, "Really? That's it?"

"That's all I'm tellin' ya'." He stuck his tongue out again.

"I give up." I sighed and looked around. We were in some kind of a clearing now. The path was a little wider and the trees weren't as close together, and I could see the sky turning blue above us. Off to the side, there was a strange statue, shaped like a short man with round, wide eyes, and also some stone, like there'd been a small building there once.

"This's cool." Deshi got up and jogged over to look at the statue, then the ruins. "What'dya' think this place is?"

"Dunno."

"Maybe somebody used to live here. Hey, look! A well!" He ran over to a stone cylinder sticking up out of the ground and looked in. It was almost as tall as he was.

I glanced around again. For some reason, my headache was suddenly a little less painful. Now if only my nausea would go away. Taking careful steps over the ruins, I went to stand next to him, stared down into the well where it was pitch black and I could detect the faintest smell of stagnant water. The solitude was nice. Something about the dark void in front of me was calming, and I almost felt like my eyes were closed.

"You do like Lei, don't you?" Deshi asked after a while, dropping a rock into the well. It fell a long time before I heard a distant splash.

"I…" I broke off, unsure of what to tell him exactly. Like was such a broad term for me. It didn't take much for me to like a girl: if she had soft skin, a nice body and a vagina, I was there. I didn't stick around long enough to find out anything about personality. It wasn't the kind of 'like' Deshi meant. I didn't know if I'd ever liked anyone in my whole life. It shouldn't matter so much. I shouldn't care about what I told him, but for some reason I did.

"She's a nice girl." I said at last. "Yeah…I guess I do like her." It was a lie, an utter, filthy lie, but it felt like there was nothing else for me to do. Telling him no didn't seem like an option.

Deshi climbed up on the lip of the well and sat there, dangling his feet over the edge and dropped another rock, "You guys should be boyfriend and girlfriend. That'd be cool."

I barely stopped myself from saying, 'It would definitely not be cool', but I did blurt out, "I'm not really big on the commitment thing, Desh."

He looked at me, totally innocent, one-hundred percent oblivious. Goku had nothing on this kid. "What'dya' mean?"

I sighed again. My headache was starting to come back. "Just…guys like me…don't really do things like that."

"Yeah, but you like her, don't you? She thinks you're a nice guy."

"I-"

"You guys should at least try it out. I think you're sellin' yourself short, Gojyo."

I looked at him a moment, trying to decide what in the world to say. "What, you a psychologist or something? Gime' a break, kid. You have no idea what you're talking about."

He dropped yet another rock. "Hm. I dunno'. Maybe you're right. I just think you're a better guy than ya' think you are. Maybe if you gave yourself a chance you'd find out you're not the kinda' guy you thought you were."

The real question was, why in the world was I getting advice from a kid barely out of diapers?

"Lei really likes ya'." He said.

There was that word again. But liking someone and wanting to fuck them weren't the same thing. No way I could commit to some girl. What did they think? I was supposed to hook up with Lei and we'd all go to the other village and the three of us could live together and play house a while?

Wasn't there some part of me that thought that might actually be a little bit nice?

But I knew how that would go. Was Lei going to sit up and wait for me til four in the morning until I came home drunk as shit from gambling with the town's resident scumbag assholes? Was she going to put up with it if I decided to run on her or was she going to kick me out when I started cheating—there was no way I couldn't cheat, I knew that already—was she going to clean out my ashtray and pick up after me and ask me not to drink so much and tell me to just grow up already? God damn, I was only twenty-three.

The whole idea made me sicker than ever, and I really did close my eyes.

Deshi kept right on talking. "We really need ya' Gojyo. Now that Feng's gone…. You're the toughest guy I ever met. I'm…I'm scared about what's gonna' happen next. I-I want you to go with us. Lei really likes ya'. I really like ya'. And we need you."

No one's ever needed me before…

For some reason, that didn't feel quite true.

"Please go with us." The kid sounded pretty damn close to begging. It was hard for me to remind myself that I didn't owe them anything.

I'm not supposed to run from the only people in the world who get me.

"Please?"

Behind us, a stick snapped deep in the woods; I heard a rustle of leaves and the sound of something flying through the air, opened my eyes just in time to see Jade pounce on Deshi. The crazy bitch landed right on his shoulders, knocking him forward. Everything happened so fast, all I saw was a blur of red hair as he disappeared over the edge, and then a frightened, screaming face as he vanished down into the darkness.

"Deshi!" I gripped the edge of the well, straining to see down into the dark as his echoing scream got further and further away, ending in an abrupt splash which was followed by sputtering and coughing and shouting.

"Deshi! Desh? Are you okay? No. Shit. No. No, no. Deshi! Goddammit, answer me!"

Jade landed gently on the other side of the well, smiling, hands clasped behind her hands, "Oops."

I tore my eyes away from the black pit to glare at her, "You fuckin' crazy bitch! What the fuck did you do that for?"

"Don't be upset. I was just trying to scare him a little."

"Scare him? Are you insane? You knocked him in!" I was suddenly torn between diving in after him and ripping this bitch apart.

"He's still alive, from the sound of things." She sat down lazily. "Though I'm sure that will change if you don't hurry."

"You're completely crazy." I summoned my shakujou, barely resisting the urge to use it to slice her in two.

Jade looked at me pointedly, "Come now. He's only a half-blood mutt. Such things are put on this planet for the amusement of we full-blooded youkai. Don't you agree, my little flame?"

I didn't have a second to waste on her sick version of humor. Cursing, I sprang up onto the wall, jabbed the sickle into the stone as deeply as I could, prayed it would hold, and leapt after Deshi.

It felt like I fell forever. The air rushing around me, through my clothes and hair, was cold, and everything was so dark I couldn't get so much as a glimpse of the stone around me. I fell so long, I worried I'd run out of chain, but then I hit the water with a painful jolt to my busted ribs, floundered in the ice cold and the darkness for a moment before surfacing again, gasping and sucking in air. I tossed my head, throwing heavy, wet hair from my face, clung to the shaft of my shakujou and looked around, trying to get my bearings. The opening of the well was a coin-sized sphere of light far, far above me, and the well itself was a little bigger in diameter than I realized. I swam to the side, clinging to the wall with my free hand, groping around for a hand hold and trying to push the pain in my ribs out of mind. "Deshi! Desh! Where are you?"

A choking, weak voice finally answered, "G-gojyo!" It was somewhere to the left…maybe the right. It was bouncing all around. I couldn't tell. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out where it was coming from.

I heard a splash. Water sprayed lightly across my face.

A small hand fisted against my shoulder, holding tightly to my jacket. "Gojyo…"

I could almost see him now as my eyes adjusted to the light. His face pale, head barely above the agitated, dark water. He was gasping and bobbing, struggling not to go under. I didn't know how deep the water was, but it was deep enough that even I couldn't stand up, and that was freaky enough for me.

I reached out and seized him by the shirt front, dragging him forward and holding him above the water as best I could with the shakujou in hand. My other hand slipped against the slimy wall and I had to kick frantically to keep from going under myself.

Meanwhile, Deshi was grabbing at me crazily with both hands, kicking and flailing weakly, trying to climb up on my shoulders. He pushed me under once and I got a lungful of water, came up coughing and heaving, broken ribs aching sharply. "Desh-Deshi, dammit, calm down, man!"

I wondered vaguely, as I shoved him against the wall and helped him hang on, why the hell I was doing this. I couldn't let the kid drown, that was the only thing that made sense. For the time being, I didn't want to think about any deeper, psychological reasons.

Still…maybe I'd been stupid to jump in after him. If the shakujou didn't hold we'd both drown down here. That psycho bitch was the only one who knew where we were, and back at camp, the others were probably only just now waking up. Lei might look for Deshi, but it would be hours before they really started worrying.

Sanzo wouldn't have even the slightest inkling of guilt about leaving me behind.

None of that mattered. I had to think this through one thing at a time. Solve it step by step. If there was an obstacle, I'd overcome it. I had to, because there was no way I was going to die in this goddamn well.

Deshi was quieter now, clutching at my arm with one hand and the slippery wall in the other. He was breathing hard, and I saw him shaking.

I was shivering too. The water was friggin' cold. Just one more good reason we couldn't stay down here.

"You okay, man?"

I think he nodded. It was still too dark to see details.

"'Kay, just hang on; I'm gonna' get us out of here."

Shit this was one absurdly deep well.

Above us, the light was getting a little brighter as the sun continued to rise. I didn't see any sign of the bitch, but I wouldn't want her help anyway. I was just glad she hadn't knocked the sickle loose and sent it into the well too.

"Wh-why did she…" Deshi asked, trailing off like he didn't want to say the rest.

"Hell. I have no idea. She's just out of her mind."

I gave the chain a tentative tug. It seemed sturdy enough, but it was really going to suck if we climbed halfway up and fell all the way back down. Then there'd be no way to get out. Not that I was thinking of anyway.

God damn. I knew what that meant.

"Desh…" I touched his shoulder, "Look, man, you gotta' climb up."

Even in the dark I knew what look he was giving me. Wide-eyed, startled, scared shitless. Same kind of look I'd seen in the mirror one too many fucking times when I was that age. "But what about you?"

"I'm too heavy. We can't risk it. You gotta' go up by yourself."

"And bring back help, right?"

I sighed and leaned back against the wall. I didn't want him to 'bring back help'. I didn't want to wind up being the pathetic guy stuck at the bottom of a freezing cold well. I wanted to think he could just climb up there and find some way to attatch the chain to something a little more sturdy, but that was nuts, obviously. He wasn't strong enough to pull me up. I couldn't risk getting stuck down here forever, not just for pride's sake alone.

"Yeah." I grumbled finally. "I guess."

"I-I dunno' if I can… It's a long ways to climb. Can't you-"

"No!" I snapped. "Are you stupid? Sure, I can climb up, even with my goddamn torso smashed all to hell; fuck, I can probably even carry you up there. But there's no way the chain is going to hold both of us." I thought about the flimsy way I'd lodged the sickle into the stone and wished I'd thought it through a little more before just jamming it into the first thing I could think of. I shook my head, wet hair flying, "No way. It might break loose. Might not. I'm not dying down here. Now quit being a pussy and climb the fucking chain."

Deshi stared at me in the dark a while longer. I couldn't imagine his expression this time. I didn't give a shit. I needed a cigarette, and I was cold and wet and my ribs fucking hurt, so I didn't have time to give a shit.

"Go!"

Finally he pulled his way over to me, I hoisted him up the best I could until he had a firm grip on the chain, and then I waited as patiently as possible as he climbed. I heard the chain rattling and rattling. I heard him slipping and scrabbling at the wall, cursing and even sobbing a little here and again. Over time, the sounds got quieter and quieter, but it felt like years before I saw his silhouette against the white coin of sky.

"Gojyo!" he called, voice floating down to me.

I was starting to feel really tired and shaky.

"I'm gonna' get help!"

"No shit." I murmured.

Then he disappeared.

I think I treaded water for a whole five minutes before I got really sick of just sitting there being lame. It didn't make any sense to try to climb up myself, and I knew why. I was at least twice as heavy as Deshi.

It might hold.

It might not.

So should I float there and wait for the guys to come to the rescue?

Lame.

Lame wasn't my style.

"God, Gojyo, you've gotta' be the biggest fucking idiot…"

I heaved myself up out of the water. The steel chain was cold as ice, but I ignored that, braced my legs against the stone wall and began to drag myself up. Fuck it. If I fell that was life. Maybe I was destined to die down here.

Testing fate, that was more my style.

Climbing the chain was easier than I expected. Of course, I got blisters on my hands and my arms started burning before too long, and my ribs felt like they were going to poke right through my skin and pop out of my stomach. I was coughing and my throat was still unbelievably sore and my head was pounding.

"What I wouldn't give for a cigarette. What I wouldn't give for a fucking cigarette."

Half way up the chain, I stopped worrying about it giving way and realized I really didn't want to do this. I really just wanted to fall back into the water and stay there and wait for them to come fish my pathetic ass out. It was a weird feeling, something I wasn't familiar with, but I really just wanted for someone to hold out their hand and just drag me out of there.

"Not gonna' happen. Quit being stupid and concentrate."

I needed to get a cigarette soon—even my thinking was getting all fucked up.

The mouth of the well gradually grew and grew. It was the size of a baseball, then the size of a watermelon, then it was like a window, right in front of me, and I just had to reach out.

I felt the chain give a little. I guess the sickle was starting to come loose anyway.

Fuck. If I didn't get a cigarette soon I was going to die.

With a moan, I pulled myself up. Shit, I wanted to scream. I just wanted to scream until my already aching lungs hurt even worse and curse and cuss and yell.

"Shit! Goddammit!"

It took me a second to realize I was already screaming. I don't know why. My own voice was bouncing all around me off the walls and up into the sky. It hurt my lungs and my ribs and my throat even, but it felt so good.

"Fuck! FUCK! When I get out of here, that bitch is dead! DEAD!"

I screamed loud and long until my voice started going hoarse.

"I swear!" I shouted. "I swear, when I get outta' here, I'm gonna' beat the living, fucking shit out of Sanzo and take every last goddamn, disgusting, nasty-tasting cigarette he has!"

The window was so close now. My fingers were hurting. The chain was coming loose. So close. So fucking close.

"I'm gonna' tear that fucker Ryptcore limb from fucking limb! I'm gonna' kill that fucking BITCH!"

Above me, I could see tree tops and blue sky with fluffy white clouds and birds flying to and fro. It was right there. Right fucking there. I just had to reach.

I heard the chain rattle. I heard the sickle scraping against the rock. I knew it was coming loose.

"FUUUUCK!"

The chain went slack. I lost my grip on it anyway and the shakujou disappeared. Before I knew it, I was falling back again, arms flailing, screaming out of pure frustration and anger.

Goku snagged my sleeve. My weight dragged him forward a little, but he braced himself with his bo and held onto me.

For a second, I dangled there, brain struggling to process the fact that I wasn't falling, and then Hakkai's face appeared over the edge of the well, not smiling at my expense for once, and he held out his hand.

I couldn't grab it fast enough, kicked at the wall, pushing myself up the rest of the way. They might have helped. For all I knew, they pulled me all the way out and it didn't have a thing to do with me. Whatever. I so didn't fucking care. I was on dry land again, on my knees, fists bunched in the grass, sopping, dripping hair falling in a curtain around my face. I was still fucking screaming like an idiot.

Goku and Hakkai let go and stood over me in silence.

Shit. How awesome was this? They were seeing me extra-fucking pathetic a lot lately.

My screaming died away after a while, maybe because my voice gave out, or maybe because I just stopped. I couldn't tell.

There was a moment of silence.

"Are you all right?" Hakkai asked quietly.

Just like that, I was on my feet. I stumbled toward him. My legs felt like noodles. I took a swing at him, missed by a mile and nearly fell on my face. "You! Fuck you, am I all right! Why the fuck did you have to show up? I was doing just fucking fine!"

"Gojyo…"

"Shut up!" I shoved wet hair out of my face. "Just shut the fuck up! Your fucking, goddamn, nutjob of a fucking girlfriend pushed me in a fucking well! So fuck you, Hakkai! Just fuck you!"

He looked so calm it made me sick. I wanted to hit him so hard. I wanted to bust his calm, fucking face open. His gentle, soothing voice was infuriating. I wanted to strangle him. I wanted to jump back in the well and drown.

"That isn't what Deshi told us."

"Fuck you!" I shoved him. I couldn't help it. I'd never been so angry. "What the hell do you know?"

"I know you're throwing an absolute tantrum. Over what, I can't quite make out."

"Yeah, well, I didn't ask you to save me. I didn't ask you to do anything. You're as crazy as she is."

Hakkai raised an eyebrow at me. He and Goku exchanged looks. That only made me angrier.

Goku decided to speak up. I have no idea why he'd willingly choose to put himself in the middle of this.

"But we didn't save ya', you crazy-ass Kappa. Ya' basically got yourself out."

"Goku's right, Gojyo. We didn't actually save you."

"Don't patronize me, Hakkai!" I jabbed a finger back at the well, "I almost fucking died down there!"

"Please try to calm down. You know that's ridiculous; you would have gotten out one way or another, eventually."

"That's right." Goku said. It sounded like he was trying to be cheerful. "You're a cockroach, right? Ya' could prob'ly climb right up the wall if ya' wanted."

Like the damn cockroach I'd seen at the inn. That felt like weeks ago now. Things had been so much better back then—at least I'd had some damn cigarettes.

"Don't you think you're over-reacting a bit?" Hakkai asked.

I looked around, noticing for the first time that Lei and Deshi and a couple other half-breeds were standing around, staring at me like I'd lost my mind. I didn't see Sanzo—I couldn't be grateful enough for that—but Jien was standing off to the side, and that made me want to shrivel up and die on the spot.

"Shit on a goddamn. Stick." I shoved the hair out of my eyes again and slumped back to the ground, wishing like hell this could just be a stupid dream.

Hakkai asked Goku to take the others back to camp. He tried to say it quietly, like I wouldn't hear him, but I was past caring about that.

Goku lingered a second, like he didn't think he should go. Then he walked away.

Slowly Lei and Deshi and the others followed, looking back over their shoulders at me and murmuring.

Jien stood where he was a long, long time, eyes boring holes into me, but I refused to look at him.

That isn't Jien in the first place. I told myself. It's Dokugakuji. Jien's dead.

Finally that asshole, whoever he was, left too, and Hakkai sat down beside me.

He didn't say anything.

I wished we could just sit there and say nothing. That would be great. Better yet, I wished we could just move on and pretend this didn't happen. But that was impossible.

I plucked a thick strand of grass from the ground and chewed it anxiously. "Sorry. I didn't mean to freak out on you." The words were hard to say. I almost felt like I didn't mean them.

"You're upset." He answered dismissively. "I believe it's been approximately thirty-three hours since you had a cigarette, when, generally, you don't go three minutes between them. I think a little…irritability is natural."

Irritability? Yeah right. I was a maniac there for a good two minutes.

"Shit, Hakkai." I ripped up a couple handfuls of grass. "I really, really, really, really need a cigarette."

"Yes, I know."

"That bitch…she just pushed him in. No fucking good reason. Said we're like toys to her. Why the fuck would she do that?"

"I don't know. It goes without saying that she's not exactly a nice person."

"She's out of her mind. We gotta' get rid of her."

"I agree." He answered very quietly.

"I just don't know how."

"Try not to worry about it, Gojyo."

"I'm sorry I pushed you." I coughed.

"No harm done. Please don't lose any sleep over it."

"I mean it. I'm really, really sorry. I don't know why I-"

"Gojyo." I felt his hand on my arm suddenly, "It's all right."

I shivered and took a deep breath. "Yeah. Okay."

"I know that when we get to a proper town you're going to buy more cigarettes—and you know that—so at this point it's just a matter of weathering through it. Albeit it, we're in constant danger on this mission, but try to relax. I suggest you drink more water, and try not to think about the fact that right now, you absolutely cannot have a cigarette. Try taking deep breaths; perhaps that will help keep the withdrawal symptoms in check."

I wiped my nose on the back of my wet sleeve. Hakkai was just trying to help me, like always, but I hated feeling like I was falling apart in front of him, especially since he had so much bigger problems than my inability to smoke. He needed me to be able to watch his back, not start screaming about nothing and freak out on him.

"Okay."

"Now then." He kept his grip on my arm, stood and helped me to my feet, "If you're feeling all right, I think we should return to camp."

I didn't feel all right. Far from it. There was this horrible tightness in my chest and my legs felt like they were going to give out, my whole mouth hurt, my chest, my ribs, my head; I felt like I was going to hurl all over him. I just wanted to die. That would be easier.

Either way, we started to make our way back toward the camp, picking our way back along the trail Deshi and I had followed. Before long, we were on the main road again. Goku was hanging out there. He came over as soon as he saw us, "Ya' finally quit screamin'?"

"Goku." Hakkai gave him a reproachful look.

"Sorry." The kid locked his arms behind his head as we began to walk down the road, "I just mean…you're okay, right?"

"Never been better." I muttered.

"What were ya' freakin' out for anyway? 'Cause ya' fell down the well?"

"I just need a cigarette. And for your information, I did not fall down the well."

He gave me a wide-eyed look, "So Jade really did push ya'?"

"No, she pushed Deshi in. I jumped."

"Ohhh." He turned to Hakkai, "So what're we gonna' do about it?"

Hakkai kept walking, looking straight ahead, "I'm afraid there's nothing we can do."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded. "We can kick her ass!"

"Theoretically. But we do need her help with Ryptcore."

"Screw that, Hakkai! That bitch is way more trouble than she's worth, and the next time I see her, I'm gonna' kill her!"

Hakkai frowned, "Deep breaths, Gojyo."
"Right, right." I said under my breath. "Deep fucking breaths." What was with him anyway? He didn't want to kick Jade's ass even after all the trouble she'd caused us, and especially him. I was sort of afraid of why that might be.

Goku changed the subject suddenly, "Anyway, why don't'cha just get Sanzo ta' give ya' some cigarettes? He's still got like half a pack left."

"Tried that. Selfish asshole won't give me any."

"Oh my. Only half a pack?" Hakkai interrupted. "In that case, I hope we reach the next town soon—I'd rather not deal with Sanzo when he's going through nicotine withdrawals."

I didn't want to either. Dealing with Sanzo normally was bad enough.

We made it back to camp, where the cranky-ass priest himself was waiting for us impatiently. He glared right at me as I walked by, "You just keep slowing us down, don't you, Kappa?"

Oh I was so not in the mood.

"Excuse me? What the fuck did you just say to me?"

He was smoking a cigarette, go figure, and when he spoke it was really obvious he was going out of his way to pick a fight with me. "If you hadn't gone and gotten yourself stuck at the bottom of an ancient well we would have left by now."

"I did not get myself stuck at the bottom of a well."

"Goku and Hakkai were pretty frantic to rush off and save your ass. The kid said you were stuck down there. And now I see you're soaking wet. So I think you did get stuck at the bottom of a well, and therefore delayed our departure. Again."

"Again? It's not my fault we didn't get to leave at the ass crack of dawn. And when have I ever 'delayed our departure' in the past?" I demanded.

"Yesterday. The day before yesterday. The day before that. It's always something with you."

"Yeah? You're keeping track of that, are you? Well, in that case, I distinctly remember a certain, idiotic priest wandering off by himself and almost getting killed by a giant clan of youkai."

His eyes narrowed. "In any case, it's your fault we can't use Jeep in the first place."
"How the hell is that my fault, asshole?"
"You insisted on bringing all these extra people with us. That makes it your fault."

"These five extra people would get murdered if we didn't take 'em with us!"

"And you think I give a shit about a handful of worthless children of taboo?"

"Hell no! I know you don't give a shit about anything but this balls-eating quest!"
He got up suddenly.

I couldn't help flinching. I was in too much pain to get hit right now.

His eyes were like steel. "This quest is the only thing that matters."

"To you."

"I just don't understand. If they matter so much to you why don't you just take them and go away?"

"You'd just love that, wouldn't you?"

"Wake up, would you? You're wasting your time, Gojyo; you already got most of them killed. Apparently you won't be happy until every single one of them is dead."

It was such an insanely vicious thing to say, I couldn't even think of a response. In truth, I wanted to start screaming again, and I felt my feeble grip on composure beginning to slip.

He went on, "What do you think you're going to prove by helping them? Do you think you can make up for the fact that the others are all dead?"

I didn't want to think that was what I was doing—it definitely wasn't what I meant to do—but I wondered if subconsciously that could be my ulterior motive. "What are you saying I should have done? Let the kid drown down there?"
"I'm saying you need to get your priorities straight." He shoved past me suddenly and walked away.

Such a prick. I wasn't sure I could keep dealing with him.

Furious, I sat down on a log and watched as everyone else got ready to move out, and I stayed there until it was time to go.

Walking today seemed even worse than the day before. I felt completely out of sorts mentally, emotionally I was just pissed at pretty much everything, and my whole body hurt. I mean, damn, it was bad enough that my ribs and sternum were all broken, but the nicotine fit was just the icing on the cake. I tried to distract myself, like Hakkai suggested, but there was nothing to do but talk to other people, and I didn't have anything to say to anyone. I drank as much water as I could, but we had a really limited number of containers, so there was no way I could get enough to help with the withdrawals. As it turned out, taking deep breaths was all I could do, and it definitely wasn't enough.

I kept my eyes opened for that bitch, Jade; when I saw her again, I was going to give her something to cry about, even if I had to break myself to do it, and no one was gonna' stop me.

Of course she was nowhere to be seen, the coward.

Lei tried to talk to me a few times. She was nicer than she'd been in the past, and she acted sympathetic about the nicotine withdrawals, and for some reason having a woman fuss over my hardship was really comforting, so whenever we stopped for breaks I was all too happy to sit back and let her cater to my needs and sweep the hair away from my eyes and touch my arm or my face. Maybe if I fucked her it would relieve some of my frustration.

Irritatingly enough, I realized that I probably shouldn't even think about fucking her when my ribs were broken.

No sex for me. No sex, no booze, no cigarettes. I didn't even know what to do with myself.

For the first part of the day, Deshi was kind of quiet and jumpy, but by the time we stopped for lunch, he was back to his old self, running around like we were in a parade and exploring whenever he got the chance, and chattering at anyone who'd tolerate him. I noticed that he and Goku were pretty good friends. That made sense, since they had the same maturity level. Still, most of the time he was milling around either Lei or me, and when we were together, he was definitely there, hanging off me or holding her hand or just walking between us, listening as we talked. I could almost see why he wanted us to hook up—it would be like having a family. A bad ass, partying hellion of a dad, and a smoking-hot babe of a mom, and neither of us a day over twenty-four.

"He really likes you." Lei told me, when Deshi was out of hearing range, jogging a ways ahead of us and talking Hakkai's ear off.

"Everybody really likes me." I said, thinking of what Deshi had said this morning.

Lei giggled, "Maybe. But I mean he looks up to you."

"Heh. Yeah, he said I remind him of his brother."

"I think it's more than that."

I didn't want it to be more than that—this thing was getting out of control with Deshi looking up to me and saying they all needed me, and Lei thinking I was a nice guy, liking me, and all of them wanting me to take Feng's place and lead them somewhere safe. They were all putting way too much faith in me, and there was nothing I could do about it. It wasn't like I'd sugarcoated who I was for them, it just seemed like they didn't want to accept that I couldn't even begin to be anything they needed.

I'd always lived a punk's life, just like I told Hakkai four years ago, and I fully intended to walk into the next town, buy a carton of cigarettes and a twelve pack of beer, find a chick to fuck, and continue on with my punk's life. I couldn't be Deshi's dad—I'd make a shitty big brother at best—and I definitely couldn't settle down with Lei, brace up, get a crappy, honest job and make ends meet.

I just can't grow up. I thought wryly.

"I wanted to thank you." Lei said, laying her hand on my arm gently, "You saved his life."

"I just did what anyone would do." Except for Sanzo, who would apparently stand by heartlessly as the kid drowned down there if he even thought helping him might slow down his progress westward.

She smiled at me, "I'm glad you did it. We all need to stick together at a time like this, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

Unless for some reason sticking together got us all killed.

Night came, and not soon enough as far as I was concerned, and by the time Sanzo decided we should stop for the night, I was dead tired. Even then, I had to help set up camp and collect firewood, which sucked when all I wanted to do was lie down next to Lei and go to sleep.

Grimly, I realized tomorrow the nicotine fits would probably be even worse. I might be completely incapacitated by morning, at the rate things were going. Even as I was knocking around the outskirts of camp, picking up twigs and branches, I felt ready to drop and go into a coma.

"Shit, if this's how it is, I'm never quitting smoking."

"You probably should have quit a long time ago."

I turned to see Dokugakuji coming up behind me, scowled at him. Considering how my day had been, this was the last thing I needed. "Oh, you think so?"

"Actually, you probably never should have started smoking in the first place, you little shit head."

Today was just dripping with situations I wasn't in the mood for. I turned back to collecting firewood, sort of hoping he'd get the hint and just go away, "Yeah, well you of all people should know why I started in the first place."

He sounded genuinely bewildered, "I should? I have no idea-"

And the very last thing I was in the mood for was being delicate. "Mom, asshole. Mom."

That shut him up. I don't know if he felt guilty or just sorry for me, or what, but as long as he kept his mouth shut it was good enough for me. Too bad it seemed like he was determined to keep standing there.

My ribs ached as I snatched up another twig, and I barely contained a groan, felt even pissier now that there was someone to watch me struggle through the disgustingly easy chore of picking up sticks. "What the hell do you want?" I demanded.

"I don't want anything."

"Everybody wants somethin'."

Déjà vu. I thought I said that to Hakkai not that long ago. Of course, Dokugakuji didn't have anything half as witty or scathing to say as Hakkai had.

"I don't." He insisted.

"Then why are you here? Shouldn't you be babysitting your lord or whatever?"

The big, stupid ass looked over his shoulder like he was checking to make sure Kougaiji was still where he was supposed to be. "No. Actually…I came to see if you might want some help."

"Help? Help with what?"

"The firewood."

Normally I think I would have thrown the pile in my arms down at his feet and said 'help yourself', but tonight I was just too annoyed, and my mood seemed to be skipping from fierce independence to pathetic neediness without warning. Just one more God awful affect of not having any smokes.

"I didn't ask for your help—I don't need it. Thanks but no thanks. Have a nice night."

"Don't be like that, Gojyo." He was closer now, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what his angle was.

"I can gather some goddamn firewood, Dokugakuji." I stumbled over a fallen tree, nearly fell on my face, went right on gathering firewood, pretending I hadn't just tripped all over myself in front of him.

"I know, I didn't say you couldn't, but-"

"But what?"
"I heard your ribs are broken…on top of going through the nicotine withdrawals-"

"That doesn't make me useless, you know. This is still easy as a slut on a down town corner after midnight."

"I just think maybe it would be better if you took it easy for-"

"I don't need to take it easy. Fuck off."

"Man, you're really in a bad mood, aren't you?" I could almost see that amused, stupid-ass look on his face, like I was some damn kid.

"Hell, even if I weren't I wouldn't want anything from you, especially not your help. So take off." I added under my breath, "That's what you do, isn't it?"

"Gojyo, I-"

I flung the firewood to the ground and turned to glare at him, "Oh, c'mon, Jien, go to hell, would you? What the fuck is this? I ain't seen you in ten years, when I do run into you you're playing on the other team, and now, out of nowhere, you're all in my face like everything's the way it used to be, acting like you're still my goddamn big brother!"

He stood there a while, looking absolutely shocked and bewildered before he finally stammered, "W-well, I…I am, aren't i?"

"No." I growled. "No. My brother's name was Jien. He took off eleven years ago without saying a word to me, I ain't seen him since, and I don't care if I never see him again. Got it, Dokugakuji?" Part of me knew it wasn't true, but fuck if I cared right then.

Jien frowned. "Just relax, alright? Damn, I swear, you're gonna' have a nervous breakdown, or something. Fine, forget about the firewood, how's that? I won't help you. I won't even think about it." He took a seat, uneventfully, on the log I'd tripped over.

I didn't move for a moment. It was irritating that he was just dropping it like that when he'd gotten me so worked up. It was irritating to be so worked up in the first place. It was irritating that he was there to begin with. It was irritating that I was the one Hakkai had asked to get firewood when he knew damn well how miserable I was. Shit, everything was irritating.

After a while, I knelt down to pick up the wood I'd dropped.

That guy started talking again, "So. Let's talk about something else."

"Like what?"

"What's up with your group? Everybody seems totally on edge."

"What the hell do you care? You're the enemy."

"Yes, but right now we have a common enemy, and it would be nice to know if the four of you are going to fall to pieces on us."

"We're not falling to pieces, Jien…Dokugakuji. There's just a lot of shit going on."

He was silent a moment longer, "Your buddy. Hakkai. He seemed pretty out of control the other night."

That was an understatement. I tried to downplay it anyway, "Well, he wasn't."

"He was trying to kill Sanzo, wasn't he?"

There was no denying that. I didn't even feel like denying it just for the helluv it like I normally would have. Right now I felt like throwing up.

"Like I said. There's a lot of shit going on."

"Goku was out of control too. He's always out of control, isn't he? Last time I saw him that way, he almost killed, oh, I don't know, all of us."

I didn't answer. It sounded like he was getting at something specific, but I didn't have the energy to try to figure it out ahead of time. Might as well let him spoon feed it to me.

"Sanzo's tense. Is that 'cause the two of them are going crazy?"

"They aren't going crazy." I snapped.

"Either way, it looks like he's got his hands full; maybe that's why he's taking his frustration out on you."

"Hey." I stood up and glared at him again, "If you have something to say, feel free to share any time now."

Dokugakuji toyed with a twig he'd picked up, digging it into the dirt slowly and scribbling something. "Everything's really unstable, isn't it, Gojyo? I won't even go in to the way you were acting this morning."

"I had to pull myself out of the deepest well built by mankind. No shit I was a little less than calm."

"I know. I'm not bustin' on ya'. I just wanted to make sure you see what's going on with your friends."

"I'm not an idiot."

Finally, he looked almost as irritated as I felt, "Quit getting all defensive on me—I'm tryin' ta' help you, dumbass."

"I already said I don't need help from you."

"Just tell me something, why are you with those guys in the first place? How'd you meet them? How'd you wind up in the middle of this thing with Gyumaoh and the revival?"

"It doesn't matter does it?"

"I think so."

"You tell me how you wound up sucking Kougaiji's dick, and I'll tell you how I wound up where I am."

Oh, he didn't want to talk about that. He looked down at the ground suddenly. "Okay, so maybe it doesn't matter how; but why are you sticking with them? I mean, they got you gathering firewood when you're injured, and sick, more or less-"

"For the last time, the firewood is not a big deal."

"I just wonder if maybe they don't fully appreciate you, Goj."

I was so fucking close to throwing the wood down again and beating him senseless, but I bit my tongue and tried to take a few deep breaths instead.

Fuck you, Hakkai. You and your fucking deep breaths.

"Look." He went on presently, "I know you didn't ask for my opinion, but eleven years ago, you were my kid brother. It's hard to wake up eleven years later and see you the way you are now and get it through my head that you don't need me anymore, so just humor me this one time, because enemies or not, it's obvious that nothing is normal right now.

"I don't know why you're in the middle of this thing, but I know it ain't your fight, and if you're anything like you were eleven years ago, I know you have a lot of things you'd rather be doing than gathering firewood for Sanzo.

"Sanzo's not going to win this little war, Gojyo. I've seen how determined Kou is…I know what Sanzo has to go through at Houtou castle. I don't think he can do it. I think the four of you are going to get yourselves killed over nothing. Call me crazy, but I don't think I want to watch you die. Why don't you get out of this thing while you can?"

The irritation was lifting, and now I just felt…lost. I couldn't quite get my fuzzy thought process around what he was saying. I couldn't quite grasp what he was trying to do. But I knew a lot of it made sense… I decided to hear him out.

"Those people back there…that girl and the kid, the others…they're like you. Remember? When you were little you used to bitch because nobody was ever like you. I know you thought no one in the world would ever get it. But they get it. And they need you."

"What do they have to do with it?" I asked dully, like I didn't already know.

"You could go with them." He said simply.

"Why would I want to do that?"
"Because of everything I just said."

I sighed, "It's not that simple, Jien."

"No, you're not letting it be that simple, Gojyo."

Walk out on the guys? Split? Ditch the team and run off with Lei?

He stood up. He could tell he was getting to me. "You're going to die in a fight you don't care about. You're what, twenty-two?"

"Twenty-three." I answered tiredly.

Jien whistled, "That's pretty young, Goj. You wanna' die at twenty-fucking-three? Or do you wanna' maybe live a normal life and get to be an old man some day?

I wasn't thinking clearly enough to deal with this. Everything was so much easier when I had a cigarette to help me through it.

Jien lingered a moment before saying, "Just think about it, Gojyo." Then he patted me on the back—really lightly, just in case the impact shattered me—and walked away, back the way he came.

Leave it to Jien to make everything even more frustrating than it had to be.