Okay, I've finally made up my mind to get serious with this, figure out a direction, and get moving with it. These next few chapters will be sort of filler-ish, but hell, it's a fanfic, I realized people just want to read about the charactes, so I shouldn't let my perfctionism get in the way.
Either way, get ready for the shit to hit the fan. Because it IS going to happen...

Hakkai

I looked down at my long, horribly sharp claws and I saw the blood running off them, forming a gigantic pool around me. I was up to my knees in it now, and it was all around me, dripping and bleeding from the ceilings and the walls of the dark, dank cell. There was nothing here but me—I'd already destroyed everyone else—and so I stayed in this prison without an exit, alone. The bars were thick, black steel, so close together I had trouble squeezing my arm through, and beyond them was a narrow passage, dark as night. A foul wind blew up from that direction, carrying with it the scents of gore and rotting flesh and death. The stone walls were tall and sturdy, steel gray splashed and spattered with dull crimson, handprints swiped across them here and there, and there were chains hanging off them, heavy and broken and rusty and maniacal.

I sloshed through the blood to clutch at the bars, crying out in the despair and the anguish plaguing me, my own voice being the only tool I had to combat the loneliness.

Then, just like that, I was on the other side of those bars, with the dingy, little cell behind me and the reeking passage in front of me. The doorway had grown. Somewhere down the corridor, I heard a voice whisper to me laughingly. In that direction, I knew there was freedom.

I took a step. Then another. My foot hit a shape in the blood and I looked down to see I was surrounded by corpses. Dozens and dozens of bodies, pale and bloated and torn open, eyes and mouths still gaping. I recognized some of them. People I'd killed years ago. People I'd killed recently. I even saw my own friends floating there. Gojyo and Sanzo and Goku ripped in half, limbs torn off, blood streaking their white faces.

The sight made me gag, and I kept going, heading straight down that corridor, toward the whispering voice. I was running now, the hot, fresh blood splashing around me, staining my clothes and my skin and my hair until it was dripping off me by the bucketfuls, and I felt too heavy to even walk. And there were always more bodies to pick my way around or to trample over. Some of them followed me with their eyes or reached to grab me with dead, useless hands, but I continued to run, pulled free and broke through and raced down the hall, even though I couldn't so much as see where I was going.

I called out, but no one answered. My own voice echoed around me.

Finally, in the distance I saw a pale, green light penetrating the darkness, barely flickering somewhere in front of me, as if it were going to fade out soon. I ran all the faster, tripped and kept going.

Before I knew it, I'd come to a heavy, wooden door. The light was on the other side. I threw the door open and that fresh, soothing green flooded over me, practically carried me into the room.

Immediately I knew that I'd been here before. Everything was familiar: the cell, the feel of the stone walls, the smooth floor, the staircase in front of me, even the lanterns hanging on the walls. My heart was beating so quickly, I had to stop and try to catch my breath.

Jade was standing off to the side, sword in one hand, decapitated head in the other. She laughed and her green eyes glowed brightly, "It's too late, Cho Hakkai. If you take her, she will die—I'm the only one with strength enough to match your own."

"What do you mean?" I gasped, reaching up to feel my long, sharp ear. I felt the familiar shape of my limiter cuffs and realized they weren't working for some reason.

"Humans are far too delicate. Our two races were never meant to mix."

"But I am human!" I shouted.

Jade only laughed more. "You were once. Now it's too late."

"What do you know about any of this? None of it has anything to do with you!"

Grinning, she pointed toward the cell with her sword, "See for yourself."

"No. No, I don't want to look."

But my feet were already moving of their own accord, carrying me toward the cell, where I could barely make out the shape of a small, delicate figure.

My breath hitched. Then I couldn't breathe at all. My heart was pounding so hard, I thought it might burst out of my chest. "No…"

"Gonou…" She said. It was her voice, just the way I remembered it, exactly how I knew it. Sweet and gentle and full of tenderness and love.

"Kanan."

She was alive, standing there, shaded by the pale, green light, beautiful face illuminated and full of kindness as she smiled at me.

Pain lanced through my chest like someone had stabbed me. I felt blood gushing from my lips and running down my chin. I reached for her.

I ran to her.

She opened her arms, and I knew that if I could just touch her, just feel her, if I could only take her in my arms and hold her, everything would be okay. Everything would go back to normal, and everything beyond us and our love and what we'd made together, our lives and our ambitions, would just be a dream. Sanzo and the others wouldn't exist. Nothing would. We'd just live in our homemade paradise together. We'd take care of each other.

I reached for her with such aching in my heart.

With my lethal claws, I lashed out, felt them slice through flesh and felt more blood spurt across my face and the front of my shirt. Her wide eyes stared at me through the carnage as she fell backward. I slashed again and again, hacking her graceful, lovely body to pieces, and before long, she was just a shredded corpse, lying on the filthy, prison floor, blood mixing with that of so many others. All of it was blood on my hands. All of it was blood I had spilled.

And she was dead.

I woke up with a half-choked scream, tried to sit up too fast and fell back on the dirt; supporting myself on my elbows, I looked around. It was dark out, the fire was still blazing warmly, and I was surrounded by my companions, most of whom were sleeping peacefully. At the edge of camp I saw Goku walking carefully around the outskirts, twirling his bo and talking to Jeep softly. He hadn't noticed me waking up.

Beyond the camp, the trees were tall and black and frightful, and the silence that filled the woods was terrifying.

I sat there, shaking hard and looking down at my hands. Normal hands. Clean hands. Human hands.

Kanan…

With another low cry, I grasped at my stomach. My old scar was suddenly hurting, throbbing and aching like it did the day I got it. I held it tight and tried to breathe normally.

What's happening to me?

It had been a while since I'd had such a violent dream about Kanan. It was so terrible. All that blood, all the dead bodies, slain by my own hands… Never in my life had I dreamed about being the one to kill Kanan, and seeing myself tear through her and rip her apart, bit by bit, was nearly more than I could bear.

It was just a dream. I told myself.

And yet I felt like there were so many elements of truth in it. I could not deny that I was a killer, and that would never change. I could not deny that recently I'd been losing control of my own situation. I could not deny that I'd tried to kill all three of my friends, just because I had lost said control. If things kept going the way they were, I might not be able to regain that control, and I might actually lose my mind.

I didn't even want to consider that. Especially not right now. Not when it felt so possible.

It's all that woman's fault. Ever since she came…

I touched the wound again. The pain had receded to a dull ache, but it felt ready to flare up again at any given second.

That damn woman.

It was just one more thing I wanted to put out of my mind.

After I'd gotten some composure, I laid back again, staring up at the stars and trying not to think about everything that was going wrong. The night seemed peaceful, but life was threaded with terrible dangers and deceptions and hardships. More than ever, I felt as if our team were crumbling under the weight of some great, black shadow.

Perhaps I only felt that way because it was happening to me.

I looked over at Gojyo. It looked like he was sleeping pretty restlessly himself, and I imagined the nicotine withdrawals were affecting that as well. As far as I knew, he'd still been awake when I'd relinquished watch duty to Goku and gone to lie down.

It was distressing to see him so beside himself. Gojyo wasn't a calm person by any means. He was, generally, loud, obnoxious, rude, crude, and socially unacceptable. He thrived in social environments, and he certainly wasn't suited to sitting quietly. But he had a certain poise about him so that even if he did lose his temper, it was never terribly serious. Not at all like the irrational, borderline-hysterical Gojyo I'd seen this morning at the well. I hadn't seen him act that way in several years.

As a matter of fact, I believe the only time I'd ever seen him behave that way had been the one other time he'd gone through nicotine withdrawals. That was back when we were still relatively unused to living alongside one another, and I'd teased and betted my way into convincing him to give up smoking—temporarily, of course. It was little more than an experiment, although, secretly I had hoped he might quit permanently since I was tired of being constantly engulfed in a cloud of white smoke. At any rate, he'd taken the bet, because Gojyo never turned down a challenge, and I'd learned that early on when I saw that he'd always play cards with me if I asked him to, regardless of being aware that I was going to be the victor every time. I believe he'd gone a whole twenty-two hours without smoking, a great feat in and of itself, though I couldn't resist teasing him later that he was incapable of going even a full day without a cigarette. Naturally, I never tried that again, because he was quite impossible to live with for those twenty-two hours. He'd broken several pieces of our furniture and fought with me about more or less everything I said to him. He even went so far as to blame me for the miserable state he was in.

Not at all the fun-loving Gojyo I was used to. Eventually, I'd gotten so fed up with it, I'd gone to visit Goku and Sanzo instead, and after spending the better part of the day with them, returned home to find Gojyo smoking, a little drunk, and perfectly content.

I'm not sure which of us was more relieved.

"Why on earth do you smoke so much?" I'd asked after watching him blaze through a whole pack in just one night.

Gojyo had just grinned at me, drunkenly, but also mischeviously, and with just a hint of remorse. "What makes ya' think there's a reason, 'Kai?"

But I'd known that there was. I could feel it. Not just in the smoking though, but in the irresponsible lifestyle and in the random, indiscriminate sex as well. I was, by no means, in any position to judge his actions, but I suppose I'd been concerned to watch someone march so steadily down such a blatantly self-destructive path. When he won poker hands at the local bar, life was good. When he lost hands, he lost everything, and before I came along, I suppose he just went without eating. It wasn't a healthy way to live, and I'd refused to believe it was arbitrary, but I wasn't very good at dreaming up accurate explanations for why Gojyo was so bent on putting himself in an early grave. Up until our bet, I'd chalked it up to recklessness and was careful not to comment.

It wasn't long afterward though that a few small but none-the-less disturbing details about his childhood had slipped through. I suppose something about having an inherently, relentlessly abusive stepmother had driven him to take up a number of somewhat inappropriate outlets for stress, anger, and self-hatred.

Unfortunately most of those habits had stayed with him all the way into adulthood, and he was still attached to them now.

Clearly his aptitude for living a nicotine-free life had not improved, but if we moved quickly tomorrow, we could reach the next town before nightfall, and then he could smoke and drink and gamble and fornicate to his heart's content.

It was odd to be having all these thoughts at a time like this. Albeit, I was concerned for Gojyo—especially concerned that he wouldn't do very well at all in a fight against Ryptcore in this condition—but at the moment there were a lot of things more important than our personal history to be considered.

Then again, those more important issues were dangerous to even think about, and if I started chasing all the inner demons around in my head, I knew I'd be worse off than ever. It was just easier to think about something that had nothing to do with me. It was simpler to recollect the past and muse on Gojyo's hardships, because in the end, I didn't have to worry about resolving them.

'Do you think not thinking about something is just another way to run away from it?'

Maybe it was. Maybe that's what I was doing now. But I knew better. There was no way I'd ever be able to outrun all my problems, and there was certainly no escape from my past or the atrocities I'd committed so many years ago.

Feeling more hopeless than ever, I sat up again, held my head in my hands. "If I don't fix this, what will happen?"

Eventually…

I felt my round, human ear and my limiter cuffs.

Eventually, I really would go berserk, and then I'd wind up hurting my friends. Nothing in the past would matter anymore; when I was berserk, would I care that I had ever loved a human girl named Kanan? Would I even remember such a thing?

Exhausted by the bleak thoughts, I got up and went to stir the fire and stare into the flames and try to empty my mind.

I was there a long, long time. Once or twice, I think I dozed off again, but my sleep was filled with even more violent, murderous dreams, and I never slept for very long.

After a while, Goku came over to me, "Hey, Hakkai. Uh, what'cha doin'?"

"Hm." I smiled up at him, regardless of how exhausted I felt. "Nothing. Why don't you go ahead and get some sleep, Goku? I'll keep watch."

"Yeah? But ya' just had the last shift. It's Gojyo's turn now."

I glanced back at Gojyo, wondering just how irritated nicotine-deprived Gojyo would be if we woke him up when he'd finally gotten to sleep. "I'm afraid I'm not very tired." I explained. "And it looks to me as if he could use the rest."

"Guess so. Man, he's real crazy without his cigarettes."

I laughed to myself, even though I didn't feel like laughing in the least, "He is, isn't he? Hopefully tomorrow we'll reach a town where he can buy more."

"Good. Then thing's'll be more normal." Goku sat down beside me and flopped down in the dirt. "Right?"

"I certainly hope so."

Goku murmured a while longer about being hungry and how he couldn't wait for breakfast and wouldn't hush until I promised him eggs and bacon, which clearly I couldn't possibly provide. Eggs, perhaps. Bacon was a definite impossibility at this point. With that promise in his head though, he went to sleep with a smile on his face.

The night wore on, and I watched the moon set and the sun begin to rise, thinking and trying not to think, forcing myself to stay awake, no matter how tired I was feeling. By the time the birds were singing again, I felt like an absolute nervous wreck.

Sanzo was awake not long after that. He looked cranky and tired as usual, got up, cracking his back and scraping his fingers through his hair in a very uncharacteristic manner.

"Did you sleep well?" I asked quietly.

"Hn."

"I think it was a long night for all of us, but at least there weren't any attacks."

"Hn."

"At any rate, I'm sure you'll want to be setting out soon. With any luck, we'll reach the next town today. Going on foot does waste a good deal of time, I'm afraid."

"Hn…"

I considered his tired face a moment. Sanzo certainly wasn't much of a conversationalist in the morning. At last, I stood up, legs feeling somewhat stiff from sitting in the same position for so long. "Lei said we'd reach their village by noon today. I realize you're anxious to keep moving, but I hope you don't mind if we wait for Gojyo to return after escorting them there."

At last he answered intelligibly, "What makes you think he's coming back, Hakkai?"

That was a good question. I guess I was well aware that Gojyo could go and wind up staying there with Lei and Deshi and the others. Provided they sold cigarettes there.

I couldn't help looking down at him again. He finally looked like he was sleeping peacefully, and something within me stirred. I didn't want to think about going on and finishing this journey without him, and if I was next in line to be berserk, I definitely wanted him to be there to face that with me, and yet, at the same time, if I was going to go berserk, maybe it would be for the best if he wasn't around.

"I don't know…but I'd at least like to wait and find out if he will or not."

Sanzo shook his head a little, but I couldn't tell if it was because he was still trying to wake up or if he simply disapproved of what I was saying. "What about you, Hakkai? What are you going to do?"

"Come now." I frowned at him. "I intend to keep going west with you and Goku, regardless of whether or not he-"

"I'm not talking about that."

I suppose I'd known that all along. I simply couldn't make out why he'd want to discuss this right here right now, although, then again, I knew how stressful this situation for Sanzo was. I'd seen how he kept checking his empty gun and looking over his shoulder, and I'd noticed that the wrinkles between his eyebrows were deeper and his frown was more defined, and over all he looked discontent and nervous. But it made sense when Ryptcore was hunting us down, and Kougaiji and Jade were both hanging around, and now we couldn't even drive until we got the rest of the hanyou home. On top of that, I'm sure he was well aware that his team mates were all in a precarious state.

Well, Goku seemed to be holding up, though I wasn't sure after all the questions he'd been asking the other night. If we had to fight Ryptcore again—or if I went berserk and my friends had to fight me—or if Jade turned on us, Goku would undoubtedly find himself in a position where he'd have to remove his diadem to win, and dealing with the Seiten Taisei was never good news.

Sanzo's stress level must be off the charts, knowing all that.

"I don't know." I answered at last, "I don't see how you can very well expect me to have an answer to that, Sanzo. Particularly when I'm not entirely sure what's happening to me."

He met my gaze steadily, "Do you think the minus wave is affecting you, even with your limiter on?"

The intense way he said it made my heart start pounding again. "I-I don't know…"

"You know. You aren't like other youkai—you used to be human—so I think that's what's kept you from being affected, up until now."

But something about Jade being around was making me feel less and less human and more and more like a youkai. Maybe that meant the minus wave was affecting me. And if it was, there was nothing I could do.

I tried to shrug it off, "Whatever happens, I understand your position on the matter, Sanzo. I trust you to do whatever you have to do, in the event that I…well, you know."
"Believe me, I won't hesitate."
"And do you expect to do well, going on with only Goku and Gojyo?"

"I expect to do well, even without Goku and Gojyo."

I knew he was lying, not because his tone betrayed him or anything, but because I knew Sanzo couldn't possibly be so stupid as to believe that. However, what galled me was that he just assumed that by the time he reached India he'd be alone.

"I can't think of any circumstance that would keep at least one of them from being there."

He scoffed and lit up the first cigarette of the day, and I saw that he too was running quite low on them. "The way things are now, I'd be stupid to assume that any of you are going to stick around for the rest of the mission."

I was beginning to feel angry. "None of us are allowing these things to happen on purpose, Sanzo, so you might do us the courtesy of at least giving us the benefit of the doubt. We are, after all, your allies, so it would be decent of you to try to trust us for a change."

Sanzo glowered at me, resentfully almost. "I know better, Hakkai."

I wasn't entirely sure how to respond to that, but I lowered my voice and tried to be sympathetic. After all, I understood why he was feeling this way. Even if it was ridiculous. "Sanzo, don't be so pessimistic. We're your team mates. Albeit, the four of us don't always get along perfectly, but I believe that our bonds have been tested harshly enough to prove that it will take much more than this for all of us to simply turn on you in a moment's notice. We are threaded together by more than the orders of the Three Aspects."

He blew a puff of smoke into the clear morning air, arrogantly, almost. "The only one I know I can trust is myself, and it has to stay that way."

I sighed and decided to give this one more shot before going to try to find eggs for Goku, "Sanzo…what is this really about?"

"It's about you three lunkheads letting your personal history interfere with the mission."

"I know that isn't true. I've seen how anxious you've been lately, and yet I can't help but feel that you're the only one who's just waiting for things to fall apart. The rest of us are determined to weather through it."

He didn't answer to that.

"Is there something more?" I questioned softly. "Even before all this trouble started with Ryptcore and Jade I've felt that something might be bothering you." I remembered how he'd fought with Gojyo in the marketplace and realized even more so just how unlike Sanzo that really was. "You seem on edge."

Sanzo didn't appreciate my concern in the slightest. He threw down his cigarette, only partially smoked and snarled at me, "There's nothing else. Why don't you try minding your own business for once, Hakkai?"

Before I could even answer, he was storming away to God knows where. Hopefully when he returned he'd be in a better mood.

I sighed again. So much for trying to talk to Sanzo about anything other than which route to take. The man had an unbelievably thick wall to try to go through, and I knew there were countless demons and skeletons on the other side of it. He was definitely the team mate I knew the least about, and still I had a sense of just how weighty his baggage really was.

For the first time I noticed that Goku and Gojyo were both sitting up, side by side, watching me without a word. They looked vaguely nervous, and I wondered what sort of expression I was wearing.

I smiled at them, "How much of that did you hear?"
Gojyo shrugged and then sniffed, "Didn't have to hear much to know we ain't appreciated."

Goku seemed a bit more upset, "Does Sanzo really think we're all gonna' abandon him?"

"It would seem so, Goku."

"Bah, so maybe we should." Gojyo said angrily. "If that's what he expects why don't we just dump his unholy ass and go back home?"

Goku looked at him worriedly, "We can't leave Sanzo…"

"I can leave Sanzo."

"Are you going to?" I asked bluntly. I was getting very tired of wondering about whether or not Gojyo was going to stick around, and I was certainly tired of not getting an answer.

He was quiet a moment, then he muttered, "Well I can't exactly leave you like this, can I, you bastard?"

"I'm afraid I have no idea what you're referring to."

"'Course not. Why would you?"

"Guys!" Goku interrupted loudly, "What about Sanzo? I mean, none of us're gonna' ditch 'im, right? How do we get 'im ta' believe us?"

Gojyo stood up slowly, holding his ribs and wincing, "Fuck, what's the point?"

"'Cause-"

"Look Goku." Gojyo said harshly, "Who gives a shit? That asshole doesn't give a rat's ass about any of us. All he cares about is getting to India on time—not you, not Hakkai, and sure as shit not me. He's gonna' shoot the two of you if he even thinks you're berserk, how'dya' like that?"

"Gojyo!" I scolded.

"Well, it's true, Hakkai. The bastard told me that himself."
"You don't need to tell us that." I said coldly. He especially didn't need to say so to Goku.

"I think you deserve to know what an asshole he is, that's all! I don't think you need to waste any sympathy on him when he's just waiting to kill you both!"

"Shut up!" Goku yelled suddenly, elbowing Gojyo in the ribs. It definitely wasn't a very hard strike, but it was enough to hurt when his ribs were broken. "Quit talkin' like that, Gojyo! Sanzo doesn't wanna' kill us, and he's not gonna'!"

"Unless he has to." I amended gently.

Goku's eyes were burning, "He's not gonna' hafta' kill us! You're not goin' berserk, Hakkai, an' I'm not either! The minus wave ain't affecting either of us, stuff's just weird right now!"

Gojyo recovered from the bop in the ribs and shoved Goku suddenly, "Quit deluding yourself, you little asshole! Your beloved Sanzo is a class-A, type one, textbook example dick! You're stupid if you think he actually gives a shit about you or anything else!"
"I told ya' to shut up!" Goku screamed, pushing him back. "Just 'cause you guys don't like each other doesn't mean Sanzo doesn't care about anything!"

Gojyo laughed in his face, meanly, "You actually think that bastard cares about you, Goku? You actually think that if it came down to helping you get back to normal or going on to India he'd pick you?God, you've been hit on the head way too many times!"

Goku choked. He sounded terribly upset. "Shut up! Shut up! You don't know anything! You don't know anythin' about Sanzo!"

"I know he told me he'd shoot Hakkai without even thinking about it! Am I supposed to just ignore that? Am I supposed to think he's some misunderstood sweetheart? If that asshole shot either of you, I swear to God I'd-"

"Gojyo." I crouched down and picked up the cigarette Sanzo had dropped. It had gone out for the most part, but there was still a little more than half of it left. "You're really something without your cigarettes."

"It's just the truth, Hakkai!"

"Here." I offered the Marlboro to him. "Granted, Sanzo had it in his mouth for a while, but if I may be so bold, you can't exactly afford to be picky right now."

He snatched it from me without a thought and put it in his mouth, but his hands were so shaky, and he was so anxious to smoke it, he couldn't even get his lighter lit, so I had to take it and light the cigarette for him.

"There." I handed the lighter back to him. "Now I suggest you calm down."

Gojyo sucked a giant drag off the cigarette, almost choked, and held his breath a long, long time.

I faced Goku, who was staring down at the ground now, hair shading his eyes from view. "Goku…don't listen to him. He's completely overwrought."

Goku didn't answer. He shoved past us both and stomped away, likely following Sanzo.

"Apparently everyone's a little overwrought." I corrected myself lightly.

"I wasn't tryin' to upset him." Gojyo said, taking another, slower drag.

What in the world was he trying to accomplish then? Rather than favoring him with an answer, I smiled, "I'm off to find eggs for Goku. You're welcome to come, or you can stay here and do your best to pull your head out of your ass." Without another word, I was off, not surprised to hear him come after me a second or two later.

Jeep swept down from the sky and landed on my shoulder lightly, and I scratched the top of his head, "Ah, I could use your help, little one. I promised Goku eggs, so look for a nest, if you don't mind."

Chirping happily, Jeep lifted off again and flew up into the tree branches.

"You're actually gonna' rob some bird's nest?" Gojyo demanded.

I looked over my shoulder at him, "I promised Goku eggs. Did you perhaps stumble upon a market no one else is aware of where I could purchase some? If so, please say so, and we'll go immediately. I'll buy you a whole carton of cigarettes myself."

"Alright, alright, I know. I was an asshole."

"I said nothing of the kind." I flicked at my limiter, wishing there were some way to escape these petty issues.

"No, but I know I was."

"You didn't need to say those things to him, is all."
"Well, doesn't it bother you?"

"I am already well aware that if I lose my sanity, Sanzo, and the rest of you, will likely be forced to kill me, and I've made my peace with that. Goku knows it as well; he'd have to be incredibly oblivious not to know. That being said, it is not my favorite fact of life, and it can't possibly be Goku's either. It would just be nice if you wouldn't go shoving it in our faces simply because you can't have a cigarette and you don't like Sanzo.

"Honestly, the scene at the well yesterday morning was bad enough—you did your honest best to punch my lights out when I asked if you were all right—and today you told Goku that Sanzo is a heartless, time-obsessed killer who's going to likely shoot him without so much as a warning. You and I both know that's true, but in case you hadn't noticed, Sanzo means the world to Goku."

I toyed with the cuffs and thought about my dream. Why in the world did I have to be the one to keep everyone from killing one another when I had so many of my own problems to attend to? At this point, it would be nice to unwind. It would be nice to not have to worry about any of this. It would feel good to be relieved of my oh so human heart.

"In the future I recommend you keep your nicotine-deprived ravings to yourself." I pulled at the first cuff, honestly considering removing it. It was a sudden, inexplicable urge I wasn't sure I could resist. "After all, just because you're miserable doesn't mean-"

Gojyo was suddenly right beside me. He slung his arm around my neck in a very familiar manner, but I felt him lock his hand around my wrist and pry my own hand away from my ear. "Okay, man, you can quit with the riot act now. You tryin' to make me feel guilty, or do you just want an apology?"

I considered the cruel irony a moment, but only to distract myself from the overwhelming desire to remove my limiter.

"I'm sorry." He said roughly. "I'm sorry I tried to punch you for nothing yesterday, and I'm sorry I told Goku the inconvenient truth about great Lord Sanzo today. That make you happy? If you want, when we get back, I'll even apologize to the kid."

"I think you should."

"Then I will. Hell, Hakkai knows best, as usual." He smirked at me, but his hand was still tight on my wrist.

I tried to smile back. "My, look at that. A quarter of a cigarette and you're almost yourself again. It's nice to know you're so low maintenance, Gojyo."

"You know me. Gime' a beer, a pack of smokes, a babe, and I'm happy." He let go of my wrist at last and stepped out in front of me, "By the way, you should probably try not to take those off."

"I had no intention of doing so." I said half-heartedly. It didn't really matter if he believed me though. It was just something I had to say.

From the tree tops, Jeep sang out.

"Looks like he found a nest."

"Bring them on down, Jeep."

My dragon chirped agreeably, hooked his claws in the siding of the nest, and fluttered down to me. There were three eggs—nowhere near enough to feed Goku—fair sized and speckled. "I suppose this is enough to say I kept my promise."

"Why'd you promise him eggs anyway? You know, there isn't a grocery store out here."

I laughed, "Well it was the only way I could get him to go to sleep."

"Shit. That kid's definitely higher maintenance than I am."

"Hm. I can't say I entirely agree with that."

"No way. I don't want all kinds of ridiculously fancy foods all the time. And I don't whine about everything like he does."

Laughing, I turned back in the direction of camp.

Jade was standing there, silent as the grim reaper, dark and beautiful in the morning air, with the yellow sunlight making her hair shine, her eyes sparkle and her fangs gleam behind ruby lips. There was blood on her hands and clothing, and she was holding what appeared to be a deer's leg, torn off at the shoulder.

When I saw her, I didn't feel like laughing anymore.

Gojyo was ballistic again, instantaneously. "You! You rotten, self-serving, psychotic bitch! You gotta' lot of nerve showing your face to me after yesterday! Who the fuck do you think you are? I'll kill you, you fucked up, little slut! Gime' half a chance, and I'll-"

I had to grab his arm for fear that if I didn't he'd actually attack her.

Jade laughed mockingly, "Brave, little half-blood. Did yesterday's game really upset you that much?"

"Game? How insane are you? You pushed a kid down a well! He could have drowned!"

"It was a very serious situation." I agree faintly, feeling the pain in my old wound flare up and my heart begin to race again.

"I was only playing with you." She assured, sweetly almost, and then she leaned forward to pat Gojyo on the cheek, "After all, that's what you do with dogs. Wouldn't you agree, Cho Hakkai?"

I couldn't so much as swallow when she looked at me with her fantastic, hard, emerald eyes, and I thought of my dream again, feeling wilder than ever.

"I didn't think it was very fun." Gojyo snarled. I could feel how tense he was, how sincerely he wanted to tear into her.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Watching you drag yourself up out of that well was almost as amusing as watching you willingly throw yourself down into it, all for the sake of that little scrap of a mutt."

"You fucking-"

"Is there something we can help you with?" I demanded, finding my voice at last.

Jade mocked sadness, "You're not upset with me too, are you, darling? Not after I even went to get breakfast for you." She lifted the bloody, dripping deer leg for my inspection. "There's nothing like a little fresh blood to start the day."

Absurdly enough, the leg genuinely looked appealing to me, and as I stared at it, my mouth began to water.

"That's disgusting." Gojyo snapped.

"Oh, Sha Gojyo." She sighed plaintively, "It's tragic to see just how diluted your instincts are."

"Yeah, well at least I'm not completely insane."

"I must agree." I interjected. "I fail to see how pushing a child, of any race, down a well could possibly be construed as a game."

Jade stood face to face with me. "You don't see? Allow me to enlighten you." She suddenly wrapped her arm around my neck, pulling me close and nuzzling my neck with her nose. She whispered in my ear, hot breath feathering across my skin, "Humans and hanyou, they are nothing compared to us. You must feel it too. Consider the great power you have been given; your true form is more beautiful and glorious and violent than the sun itself. Consider my power, or that of the Seiten Taisei, or of Ryptcore even. Have you ever met a human with such strength? Have you ever met a half-blood with such power?"

My breath hitched as she touched me, sliding her claws down the back of my neck.

"Have you, Cho Hakkai?"

She had a point. Granted, I had met some powerful humans—including Sanzo and Hazel—but they paled in comparison to Goku without his limiter. Gojyo was without a doubt the strongest hanyou I'd ever met. None of them were as powerful as I was. None of them as intelligent or quick.

"We rule on this planet." Jade went on softly, "We are the most highly evolved beings in existence, so we will play with and eat of the others as we see fit. That's why there is no shame in the blood we have spilled."

I closed my eyes and listened to the poisonously soft sound of her voice, feeling it flood through me, her words infiltrating my mind. I thought of my dream and all the blood that had filled it, the dead bodies that were piled up in it. Why should I feel ashamed of the kills I'd made? It was only a testament to how truly strong and skilled I was. How many men could say they'd bathed in the blood of one thousand youkai? Why shouldn't I take some pride in the strength that I had? Why shouldn't I-"

"Enough!" Gojyo seized Jade by the back of the shirt and tore her off me, whipped her around so that her feet actually left the ground, and flung her a back against a tree, where she slid to the ground with a thud. "I am so sick of your bullshit!"

I stared wide eyed, feeling a bit confused.

Jade was stunned for a moment, and then she stood up, glaring daggers at Gojyo and adjusting her clothing, "You may very well regret that some day, half-blood."

"I would love to see you try to make me regret that."

"Oh." She answered icily, "You are toying with a fire you do not fully understand, little dog. I told you before, didn't I? You should keep your head down."

"You wanna' put me in my place, bitch? Okay, bring it on. Anytime, anywhere. I'll make you regret the day you were born."

They stood a moment, perfectly stiff and still, glaring hatefully into one another's eyes, a clash of green against red, and I did my best to orient myself. I'd definitely need my wits if this escalated into a fight.

Fortunately, Jade merely bared her teeth at him and threw her shoulders back, met my gaze again and said all too calmly, "I suggest you keep your dog on a shorter leash, Cho Hakkai, or else the wolf may snap him up under the full moon."

In a flourish of green and black, she dropped the deer leg, turned on her heel and vanished into the woods.

"Fuck who does that bitch think she is?" Gojyo demanded angrily. I saw that he was holding his ribs again and panting a little.

I watched her go, even long after she was out of sight, and I felt immense disquiet mounting up in me. Keep my dog on a shorter leash lest the wolf snap him up… It was a frightening thing to hear in more way than one: condescending because it implied that Gojyo was just an animal, too stupid for his own good, and demeaning because it suggested I had some sort of ownership over him. Beyond that though, there was a threat, the idea that, if he made her angry enough, she'd kill him. At the moment, it didn't matter very much whether or not she could, it only mattered to me that, currently, Jade had no interest in attacking any members of our team—aside from the revenge she'd sworn to exact from Sanzo, she seemed honestly committed to being our ally.

If she set her sights on Gojyo, I couldn't even fathom the awkward position that would put me in, personally.

"Why did you provoke her?" I asked quietly.

He turned to me disbelievingly, "Why did I provoke her?"

"She's a very dangerous woman."

"And I ain't made of glass."

"I'm aware. At the moment though, she's an ally, not an enemy. It would be in our best interest if we could keep it that way a while longer."

"Fuck that! Have you lost your mind? Why the hell are you defending her?"

"I'm not." I said simply, reaching to touch my aching wound again. Suddenly, the woods seemed empty, and I felt restless and bored. Where did Jade go when she disappeared in such an abrupt manner? I wondered how she spent her days, even while traveling. Certainly not listening to a handful of mismatched team mates bicker over tiresome, little details. How would it feel to be so free?

Hardly aware of what I was doing, I fingered my limiter.

Gojyo grabbed my wrist again, a little harsher than before, "Hakkai!"

I laughed, doing my best to act normal, "Yes, yes, I know."

He stared at me intensely. "You're starting to really freak me out."

"Ah. Well I am sorry for that. Come along now. I'm sure Goku's waiting with baited breath for his eggs, as well as your apology."

We went back to camp, and neither of us said a word. When we arrived, the others were all awake, already preparing for the day ahead.

When Lei saw us, she came over, smiling brightly at Gojyo, "There you are! Isn't this exciting? Today's the day we reach the village."

I crouched down next to the fire, searching for a large, smooth stone to fry the eggs on, listening half-heartedly to their conversation.

"That's great. Will I be able to buy cigarettes there?"

She hesitated, clearly not sure of how to take his tone. I considered it myself; I had already noticed that Gojyo's interest in Lei seemed to come and go. Generally he was fickle—I'd never seen him do anything more than fool around with a woman—but seeing how Lei was the only eligible female around, I'd expect him to pay a bit more attention to her, and as far as I knew, he hadn't even slept with her so far.

"Um, I don't know. I don't see why not."

"Great, the sooner we get there, the better."

That settled that. Nicotine was always going to be his first love.

"Gojyo, I-"

"Sorry, babe." He interrupted. "I gotta' go talk ta' somebody real quick."

I watched as he stepped past her, walked across camp to approach Goku, who was sitting against a tree, arms folded over one knee, chin resting on his wrists. He looked to be lost in troubling thoughts. Gojyo stopped a few feet away from him, shoved his hands deep in his pockets and shifted his weight to one leg, then the other before brushing his hand back through his hair, and I knew he was doing his best to come up with a valid apology.

Cheerfully, I smiled up at Lei, who was also looking after him, with an expression of mild agitation. I got the sense she wasn't used to being blown off. "He just really needs a cigarette." I explained.

Lei looked down at me like I was a wild animal, and for a moment, I thought she'd turn, pick up her skirts, and storm away. Instead, she wrinkled her nose and said, "I don't understand him."

"Ah. He's…a difficult person to genuinely understand." I felt like it was only partially true. On the surface, Gojyo was simple. As he'd said, there were only three things he wanted, and if he had them, he was content. Reasons were a bit more difficult.

"He's not like the rest of us." She went on, and I knew she was referring to the other half-bloods. "I don't think he really…fits in, you know? I don't know what he's going to do in the village we're going to."

This pretentious woman evidently assumed Gojyo would be staying with them.

I broke open the first egg on the rock and listened as it sizzled. "Well, he's not necessarily trying to fit in with the rest of you."

She frowned spitefully, "Do you actually believe he's going to keep traveling with the three of you now that he's found us?"

"I have no idea what he's going to do, but I do know that if you try to force him to be something he isn't, he'll slip through your fingers." I finished arranging the eggs and rose to join Goku and Gojyo, who were already bickering about something inane. It was refreshing to see some normalcy for what felt like the first time in forever.

"Hakkai!" Goku screamed when he saw me coming, "Tell Gojyo ta' cut his hair!"

"Shut yer mouth, monkey! My hair is my business!"

Feigning disappointment, I turned to Gojyo, "I thought you came over here to apologize."

"I did apologize! Then this inconsiderate chimp started callin' me girly 'cause my hair is long."

"He called me girly first!" Goku said quickly. "He told me I'm bein' a girl!"

"You were pouting over here all by yourself, and you wouldn't talk to me! Just like a butt-hurt girl!"

"Yeah, well you're all skinny and got long hair and stuff! You're way girlier than me!"

I held my hands up in a futile attempt to settle them down. "Now, now. I'm sure neither of you are nearly as feminine as you appear."

"That's right—wait, what?"

Gojyo scowled at me, "Says the guy with the pretty face."

"Let's not make personal comments, shall we? It's rude. At any rate, Goku, I've found some eggs for you. They should be ready shortly." I began to lead them back over to the fire, relieved to see that Lei had walked away, hopefully to engage in something more constructive. "I'm afraid I wasn't able to come by any bacon, unfortunately, but we do have some jerky left over from yesterday."

"Awe I'm tired of deer jerky." Goku whined.

"Well we're lucky Feng was able to make any before he…left us."

"When're we gonna' get to a town where we can eat?"

"Hopefully before nightfall."

"That's forever away! What about that village Lei's talkin' about? Can't we drop by an' see if they'll feed us?"

"We'll have to ask Sanzo."

Goku flopped down by the fire and watched the eggs frying, "I'm so hun-gry, Hakkai! An' I'm sick of jerky! I want meat!"

"Jerky is meat." I reminded him.

"I want real meat!"

"God, Goku." Gojyo took a seat as well. "Quit whinin' like a girl. I'm the one who's suffering."

"I ain't whinin' like a girl!" Goku leaned over and yanked his hair, "Ya' girly Kappa!"

"Owe! What the hell? Would'ja' leave my hair alone?"

"I think ya' should cut it again!"

"Last time I cut it, you said it looked stupid."

"It looks stupid anyway."

"It's better than your shitty mop."

"My hair's cool! Only girl's have long hair, right, Hakkai?"

I gave the eggs a tentative poke, "Well…"

Gojyo glared at me. It was less than intimidating.

"Well, I think Gojyo's hair looks very nice on him."

They both gawked at me. "Ya' do?"

I could barely contain my laughter, "Yes, I believe it helps him get in touch with his feminine side."

"Oy! Where the hell dya' get off saying that, Hakkai?"

"If I recall correctly, when your hair was short you did even less cleaning and such around the house. Needless to say, I prefer it like this."

"Yeah, well I don't need to do any cleaning 'and such' as long as my maid is around to do it for me, am I right?" He smirked.

"Hm. I suppose that's true. Although, it might help if you weren't so obviously terrified of the maid."

"What can I say. She's gotta' creepy smile."

Deliberately, I gave him the most charming smile I could muster, watched in satisfaction as both of them shuddered and immediately searched for something else to focus on.

"Man." Goku fell back, arms spread. "I'm starvin'…"

"The eggs should be finished soon."

Gojyo watched me poke at them, "Leme' guess. He gets all three."

"Well…I suppose that isn't exactly my call. Goku?"

Goku opened his mouth and gasped, like he was going to shout, and then seemingly changed his mind, "Naw, you can give one ta' ass-face. He's gonna' be extra bitchy without his cigarettes today anyway, right?"

"Oh." Gojyo sneered. "I get a whole egg? How generous."

"There are some people who'll be eating nothing but deer jerky all day." I reminded him casually, and I couldn't help thinking of the deer leg Jade had left in the woods.

"What, you wanna' split it with me?"

"No thank-you. Sharing an egg sounds a bit too intimate for my taste." I noticed Sanzo standing at the edge of the camp, watching the three of us with an odd expression. "I suggest you eat them quickly though. It appears we're ready to move out again."

The two of them fell to devouring the eggs, and I rooted around until I found what was left of the deer jerky. It was barely enough for the day, and I knew everyone was going to be hungry by the time we reached the next town. Besides that, it was dry and tasteless, and I couldn't help thinking it wasn't suitable for a creature of my sophistication. Fine for a human, but not for a youkai.

"Your true form is more beautiful and glorious and violent than the sun itself…"

Those words rattled through my brain like sound of water dripping in a dark, dank prison cell, and as I stared down at the hunk of jerky in my hand, I couldn't help but wish it were just a touch…bloodier.