Alright, this is finally getting interesting. :P

Gojyo

"Goj! Wait a minute! Would you just wait!"

It was starting to rain lightly. I took a long drag off my cigarette and ignored him. I was walking quickly through the town, boots drumming on the stone street, passing lights and restaurants and bars and inns, but I couldn't convince myself that I was actually moving. I wanted to run. There was no way I could get out of this town, away from Sanzo, away from all this bullshit fast enough. But no. I wasn't going to run. I was going to walk quickly—very quickly—and I wasn't going to let the panic take over.

"Gojyo!" Dokugakuji snarled, "Stop!"
I kept ignoring him. I had more important things to worry about.

He just lost it. He was completely out of control.

I'd never seen that look on his face before. A he'd drawn back into the shadows, he'd looked so sorry, so honestly scared…. I tried to think of any time I'd seen a look that was even close to that one, but I knew I never had. Maybe the way he'd looked at me when Chin Yisou planted the seed beside my heart…. Hakkai had looked pretty sorry and scared then, but it wasn't the same. Tonight, he'd been completely horrified.

Like he didn't know his own goddamn name.

"Gojyo. Gojyo! Will you wait up?"

Fuck you, Jien.

Sanzo didn't want to look for him, and that was just mind-blowing to me. He thought Hakkai was berserk already, but I knew he wasn't. That look in his eyes had been too desperately regretful. We still had a chance to fix this. It was just a matter of finding him on time and acting quickly.

Wherever he was, whatever he needed me to do, I was going to find him and do it, and I didn't care if the rest of the world went to hell in the meantime.

Why? It's not my responsibility to…

I stopped the thought before it could even finish forming. Of course it was my responsibility. It was up to me, and if Sanzo wasn't going to help, it was up to me alone.

"Gojyo, wait!" Dokugaku grabbed my arm suddenly, pulling me to a stop.

"What?" I snapped.

"Just listen to me for a second."

I looked ahead into the darkness, anxiously. The rain was falling a little harder, and I could see the edge of town—the last few scattered, sleazy bars and whore houses lit up and ready to offer comfort against the cold, damp night—the road was a pale ribbon in the distance. I scanned the area for Hakkai, hoping I'd see him walking, but he wasn't there.

"Gojyo-"

"I'm listening, so make is quick."

If this turned into another spiel like the one he'd given me the other night I was going to clock him.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"Right now. Where are you going? What do you think you're going to accomplish by yourself?"

"You were there. You know where I'm going."

"I know you're going after Hakkai, but what are you gonna' do when you find him?"

"Hell if I know." I muttered, pulling out of his grip and continuing to walk.

He walked with me, "You know, there might not be anything you can do."

"I know."
"So why-"

"Because, what the hell else am I supposed to do, Jien? Be like Sanzo and say 'fuck him' and keep going?"

"Maybe. You know, I get how this minus wave thing works; it's not something you just talk somebody out of."

"You fucking hypocrite. You got some balls telling me that. I mean, what if it were Kougaiji? Tellin' me you'd just forget about him, go home and put your feet up?" It was a pointed question. We had already seen what he would do if Kougaiji ever lost his sense of self.

"No, but that's different."

"How?"

"Because, it's my responsibility to protect Kou." He growled.

What was it that made me think it was my place to chase Hakkai down and try to bring him back to reality?

Fuck that, why shouldn't it be? I'd lived with the guy for three years. I saved his life.

"He cleans up after you, he cooks for you, he helps you pay for things because you're a shitty gambler, he sits up waiting for you when you're out partying..."

Yeah, maybe that was part of it too. Maybe I was just feeling guilty for always taking and never giving anything back.

Whatever it was, I knew it was my responsibility, and it was Goku and Sanzo's too—that was part of being on a fucking team, wasn't it?

I stopped and looked over my shoulder, half-expecting to see them coming up after me, but the street was empty except for Jien and I.

Instead, I turned to my brother, "Hey, what's this about anyway? You've been so weird lately."

He looked a little caught off guard, "It's just…I…"

"Since when is it your business, Dokugakuji? What the hell do you care if I chase Hakkai into oblivion?"

"If he's berserk, what do you think's gonna' happen when you find him?" He asked softly, in that 'I already know the answer, but do you?' tone I hated so much.

"Who knows? It doesn't matter though, 'cause he ain't berserk yet."

"What he did was pretty-"

"You still haven't answered my question."

"Well, don't you think the answer is obvious?"

Obvious? No. I couldn't figure out what this guy was getting at for anything in the world. Was he being cryptic, or was I just as dense as they all said I was?

It didn't matter. I didn't have time to decipher codes—had to find Hakkai.

I kept walking, "This's good for you and Kougaiji, you know. Sanzo's obviously going to keep heading west, and if I know anything about Goku, he'll go with him. There's just two of them, so taking the sutra should be easy, right?"

"I don't care about the sutra." He growled.

Blew smoke through my nose, looked at him from the corner of my eye, "No? What do you care about?"

"I-"

He stopped. He stuttered. Whatever it was he cared about, he was having an awful lot of trouble choking it out. At last he said, "Alright, if you don't wanna' listen to me, you don't have to. But if I were you, I'd stay the hell away from Hakkai—he's probably going to kill you when you find him."

I just laughed. "He can give it a shot, I guess." Then I touched my ribs absently, thinking about how much they still hurt. At any rate, I'd give Hakkai a helluva fight before he ripped me open.

"Why are you doing this? Why don't you just go home?"

"Home? Ah, not this shit again, Dokugaku."

"I just don't understand it, Gojyo. From the way you just fought with Sanzo, I'd say you don't give much of a shit about going to Houtou castle, and I don't think you care about the sutra anymore than I do. So what is the deal?"

"Well…it's just something to do, okay? It doesn't really matter why."

"You're just putting a lot on the line for something you don't actually care about."

Irritated, I demanded, "What are you getting at? What the hell are you trying to get me to do? What's this, your brilliant sabotage plan? Talk Gojyo into going back east and then attack the Sanzo Team? In case you didn't notice, Jien, I'm not exactly all that important to the Team. They'd kick your sorry asses, even without me."

"All the more reason why, if I were you, I'd turn around and head home. They don't need you."

"Yeah, no shit. I didn't come because they need me."

Clearly that bewildered the living shit out of him, because he didn't say anything for a long, long time.

I got impatient and said, "Whatever you're after, whatever you're trying to get me to do, it won't work. Our team isn't set up the same way yours is, and even if I was gonna' go back east, I wouldn't do it without Hakkai, so take your pitiful, little sabotage plan and cram it up your ass."

"Gojyo." He grabbed my arm again, this time tight enough that it felt like he bruised me a little bit, "Do you remember? We grew up in the same house…we had the same father…we lived in the same town. You remember all that, don't you?"

Was that part of his sabotage plan too? Now I just felt confused. "Yeah, I remember. What the hell difference does it make now?"

"That's never going to change."

"But we're gonna' change, right, Dokugakuji? We already have."

"Fine, I know that, but still…I don't want…" he cut off, took a deep breath, sighed, and finished resignedly, "I don't want you to go get your head ripped off by some psychotic, berserk youkai."

"I wasn't planning on it."

He gritted his teeth. I could see I was frustrating him. Good.

"Gojyo, if you don't wanna' ditch your team, I get that, but you should at least go back to Sanzo and-"

"Get bent." I snapped suddenly. Hearing the words 'go back to Sanzo' made me feel like I was gonna' hurl all over my own boots, and I damn near punched him for it. "I don't care what you think, I'm not crawling back to Sanzo. And for the record, I ain't scared of Hakkai, or of any other crazy youkai. Now why don't you just run back to Kougaiji and leave me the hell alone."

"Goj-"

"Fuck you. I didn't ask for your concern, so why don't you go force it on someone else?"

"Fine." He barked, temper snapping at last, "You wanna' be that way? So be that way. See if I care."

"It doesn't matter to me if you care or not."

"Just don't come crying to me when you get yourself killed."

"I can't remember a time when I ever came crying to you."

"Yeah, well I do."

"Fuck you, Jien."

"Fuck you, Gojyo."

I stood and watched as he walked back the other way, slowly disappearing into the night, and then, when he was out of sight, I went on alone.

The rain continued, picking up a little, and before long, my hair was wet and heavy, but I kept walking, out of the town, onto the road. I didn't see Hakkai in the distance, and I had no idea which way he might have gone, and the rain was quickly washing away any footprints he might have left.

I decided to head up off the road and back into the woods, hoping that maybe that's what he would have done anyway. I walked further and further into the trees, until I couldn't see the lights of the town anymore, and the rain was pouring down around me, and the night was completely silent, except when I called his name at random, and still, in my head, the question rang: What was I going to do if I actually found Hakkai?

I'll do whatever I have to do. Whatever he needs me to do…

Hopefully that would be enough. Jien might be right about everything. Going back to Sanzo might be the smart thing to do, and yet I couldn't do that right now. I couldn't just forget about Hakkai, say 'live another day, buddy', and occasionally wonder, in years to come, what had ever happened to my once-was best friend, just because I didn't have the guts to go and find him.

I wasn't stupid—when I thought about all the things Hakkai had done for me in the last four years, the way meeting him had changed everything I was familiar with, I knew there was no way I could even begin to repay him. I hadn't done shit for him.

All the more reason I needed to find him now, because for the first time ever, I felt like he actually needed me.

Maybe he knew that, maybe not. He could be sitting somewhere, even now, hoping I came after him, not actually assuming I ever would. Not that I'd ever think about leaving him behind, or Goku for that matter. Sanzo I'd walk out on in a second, if I could, never look back, but with Hakkai and Goku it was different, and even more so with things going the way they were now.

Hell, maybe he didn't even care. Maybe he was completely berserk, and if he was, I knew he was going to kill me when I saw him, no questions asked. And then?

And then I'd be dead, and life would go on for everyone else. Goku and Hakkai were both way stronger than I'd ever be, the team could function without me, and I knew that, and I was fine with that, but that didn't mean I didn't care about this team. Fuck, what the hell else was there for me to give a shit about these days? So they didn't need me. So what? Like I said, I didn't come because they needed me, or because I needed them to need me, or because I needed them.

I paused, drenched and shuddering a little, called his name again.

There was no answer, but up ahead, I thought I saw a white, fluttering shape, and then I heard a faint, familiar chirp.

"Jeep?"

Jeep hovered a moment, beating his wings lightly against the rain, and then flew deeper into the forest, down into a steep gulch where the ground was slippery and loose.

Call me crazy, but I could have swore I heard voices down there somewhere.

I dug my boots into the mud and eased my way down the damp, slanted terrain, keeping my eyes on the vague, white speck of Jeep, and I wondered if maybe what I'd told Jien was a lie. Right now, Hakkai at least needed me, and that was enough to make me stick around. It was enough to get me away from the bars and the beer and the women to stumble like an idiot into the woods during a friggin' monsoon, and there was no way I was going home, or back to Sanzo, without him.

There was just one question that actually mattered: Will Hakkai actually rip my head off when I find him?

I slid to the bottom of the gully, nearly falling on my butt, waving my arms frantically to keep my balance.

It was so dark down there, I could barely see a thing; the light of my cigarette was bright orange, and the trees were slightly lighter shades of black against the inky backdrop of the forest.

But he was there. In a flash of lightning, I saw him, sitting on the ground in the mud and the wet weeds, hair and clothes soaked and still blood stained, head hung with his arms wrapped around himself.

"H-hakkai?" I choked. I didn't mean to choke; I didn't mean to sound weak or afraid, but the rain and the wind was driving right through my clothing now, and I was shivering violently, my hair was dripping, water streaming down my face, and everything was so dark and still…and I'd just watched my best friend rip a man twice his size to pieces with nothing but his bare hands. I had no idea what kind of frame of mind he was in now, but he didn't look happy.

"Hakkai." I made my voice stronger this time as I went to crouch next to him in the mud and the grass; when he didn't move or answer, I gave his shoulder a tentative touch, "Hey. You okay, man?"

"What are you doing here?" He didn't so much as look at me, and his voice was flat.

It made me hesitate and look him over again. "Lookin' for you."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why? Why wouldn't I?"

"Go away, Gojyo."

"Hakkai…look, what you did…"

"Are you honestly going to sit there and attempt to tell me that it's all right? What I did doesn't matter? Everyone's just waiting for me to come back? You must know that none of that is true."

Naw, nothin' like that. I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I…believe I'm losing my mind."

I sat beside him quietly, and the question came back to me again. What could I do now to help him?

"It was terrible, Gojyo. It was as if something inside my mind simply snapped without warning. When I felt his blood on my hands, I thought I heard a voice whispering to me…and then something else took over. Something that wasn't me." He held himself a little tighter, pressing his forehead against his knees, "I can't control myself…that much is clear."

Now his voice was totally somber. I couldn't even hope that maybe he was just fucking with me.

"You must leave, Gojyo."

"No way."

"You don't understand. That voice…it's still there. It won't go away. I hear it…calling to me, like someone I knew once, trying to convince me to act in ways I know I shouldn't. I-I can't guarantee that I'll still be myself when the sun rises, Gojyo…I can't guarantee that I won't be insane."

"I didn't ask for a damn guarantee, Hakkai."
"Regardless, it's clearly in your best interest to go back to Sanzo. It isn't safe to be near me."

The part about going back to Sanzo really pissed me off, so I grabbed him roughly under the arm and dragged him to his feet. "Stop it, all right? Just shut up. I ain't interested in listening to you piss and moan and feel sorry for yourself."

"I'm not sure you understand the gravity of the situation-"

"Oh, I get it. But if you think I'm gonna' crawl back to Sanzo because you told me to go away, you got another thing comin'."

"You can't help me, Gojyo." He said softly, hanging his head, hair shading his eyes from view.

"I didn't come to help you."

Finally, he met my gaze, eyes bulging in disbelief, "What in the world did you come out here for?"

"You know me." I grinned, "I never pass up a chance to see what you look like when you're depressed."

"Gojyo…"

I slung my arm over his shoulder, "Look, man. I don't know what's happening exactly, and I have no idea what tomorrow's gonna' be like, but I know that I'd have to be a serious shithead to let you go off by yourself and maybe never see you again. I don't wanna' be sitting around the bar in ten years, wondering whatever happened to that Hakkai dude I used to know."

Hakkai pushed my arm away—not as roughly or as rudely as Sanzo would have, of course. He did it politely, almost—something I didn't see often, and I knew he was really upset. "I wish I could tell you I'm grateful for that, but I don't honestly see what it is you expect me to do now. I can't very well go on with the journey as if nothing is wrong. We'd all be foolish to think that might be possible."

"Hey, nobody said anything about going west with Sanzo. If you don't want to, we don't have to."

He shook his head, "It shouldn't be a matter of 'we'; the two of them are going to need you."

I looked at him suspiciously. "As much as you need me?"

Hakkai spoke very quietly, and in the next lightning strike I saw a sad smile creep across his face, "No. I suppose not."

"Then how about you quit your whining and we get the hell out of the rain?"

He laughed again, and it sounded so close to his normal laugh I almost would have thought things were going to be okay. I just knew better, I guess.

"That may very well be the most sensible thing I've ever heard you say, Gojyo."

It could be. Not that it mattered, since it looked like being sensible didn't get you too far these days.

I woke up, feeling like I hadn't slept at all. My eyes seemed dry and heavy, and my head was throbbing very faintly, like the beginning of a headache, and even though we'd found the best shelter we could in the middle of the night—a huge tree with thick, spreading branches—my hair and my clothes and my skin were all damp from the rain.

At least now the storm had stopped. Water was dripping from the leaves and beading on the grass, but the morning sky was clear, soft gray.

Sitting up, I looked over at Hakkai, curled up next to me. Apart from being wet, he looked pretty normal. His shirt was stained with a gross amount of rusty brown, dried blood, and it was still smeared on his hands, face and neck.

I lit a cigarette and tried to ignore the aching hunger in my stomach. It looked like it was about seven or eight. Sanzo and Goku probably hadn't even left town yet—we might still have a chance to catch them. How nice would it be to doze off in the back seat of Jeep and make up for not getting enough sleep last night?

When Hakkai and I had found our shelter, it was about nine o'clock, or maybe ten, but we'd sat a long time, side by side under the tree, not talking, just looking up at the sky and waiting for the rain to pass. Eventually Hakkai had given up, briefly explained that he was exhausted, and passed out. I had laid down and tried to sleep too, but I was probably awake another two hours after he crashed, so I wouldn't be surprised if I'd only gotten a grand total of four hours of sleep time, spent tossing and turning on the wet ground.

Beside me, Hakkai stirred, and then he sat up too, rubbing his forehead and muttering. "Good morning. Sleep well?"

"Not really." I yawned.

"I suppose that's not much of a surprise." He looked down at his bloody hands, "Well, it looks as if I didn't go berserk in the middle of the night. That's very fortunate."

"Yeah, you're probably okay, huh?" I studied his face, noticing how deep his frown was today, "Just need to take it easy from now on, buddy. Deep breathing or something."

I got up, thoroughly sick of camping out and sleeping on the ground. Tonight, I'd better get to sleep in a frickin' bed. "So, wanna' get going? I bet Sanzo ain't left yet. We might even be able to grab some breakfast, if we hurry—we're not that far from the town, right? Couple miles, I'd say. Who knows? Maybe they're waiting for us to-"

"Gojyo, I'm not going back to Sanzo." He said quietly.

"What?"

"I told you so last night."

I did remember something about that now, but I guess I hadn't been counting on it. "Hey, I know you said we can't keep going like nothin's wrong, but you're okay, right? You didn't go berserk like we all thought you did, and as long as we pay attention- "But don't you see, Gojyo? There's no guarantee that I won't later today, or tomorrow, or possibly weeks from now. As long as I feel as if I'm on the brink of falling off a cliff, I can't continue going west. It wouldn't be fair to you and the others."

"So what are we supposed to do? We're hundreds of miles from home and we're pretty much in the middle of nowhere. I just…" I tried to start over, "I mean, I'm not sayin' we have to go back to Sanzo if you don't want to, but…I dunno'. You got a plan b, or something?"

With a plaintive sigh, he looked up toward the canopy, where Jeep was roosting and preening, "I'm afraid I don't have any plans whatsoever. I only know that I cannot continue traveling with the team—the way I am now, I'm hardly better than an enemy."

I decided not to argue with him, sat back down, puffing on my cigarette, "Well, okay. If that's the way you want it."

He faced me, "You know, Gojyo, you're under no obligation to stay with me. You could-"

"I told you last night." I interrupted sharply, "I'm not going to spend the rest of my life wondering what happened to you. Besides, it's not like I care so much about going west." I didn't mention that I was a little worried about Goku. Ryptcore was going to keep hunting Sanzo, and as long as Goku was with Sanzo, he was in danger. I wanted to be there for the kid, but unless I could convince Hakkai to go back with me, there was nothing I could do for him, other than abandoning Hakkai.

It was an impossible situation. Stick with Hakkai or give Goku a hand? Who needed me more? Did it even matter who needed me more?

I noticed Hakkai watching me, as if he could see the thoughts all over my face, and he was just waiting to see what I would decide.

If I left him, I knew he wouldn't try to stop me. He wanted me to go. But right now, I might be the only one who could keep him from going insane.

Goku needed me too though. There was only so much he and Sanzo could do on their own, and if he had to fight Ryptcore again, he'd probably wind up taking his diadem off again. If all four of us couldn't be there to face Ryptcore, three of us would be better than just Goku and Sanzo.

But if Goku could, I figured he'd want to come help Hakkai in person. It was only his loyalty to Sanzo—and Sanzo's stubborn assholeness—that kept him from being here now too. Maybe he'd want me to stick with Hakkai, since he couldn't be here himself.

"Hell." I ground my cigarette into the mud, "I dunno' what to do."

"I suppose, in the meantime, I thought I might continue traveling west, only separately from the group. After all, there's always the possibility that I may get my act together, in due time, and be able to rejoin the party." He looked thoughtful, lowered his eyes momentarily, "I never meant to abandon all of you. Not completely."

"Couldn't blame ya' if you did."
"…Though, if I do keep moving west, always aware of Sanzo's location, you could continue traveling with Sanzo and Goku, and then-"

"Naw, I can't stand bein' around Sanzo anymore. I think I'll stick with you a while."

"Gojyo, if I do go berserk, I assume you will be the first person I attack."

My eyes met his, "That supposed to scare me?"

"No. Only-"

"So shut up. I ain't scared of you, Hakkai."

He sighed, "Well, I can't decide what you should do, I suppose."

"Damn straight."

For a while, neither of us said anything, and the sun kept rising. I went through another three cigarettes, stomach growling the whole time, before I broke the silence, "Hey, Hakkai? What're we gonna' eat?"

"Hm. I hadn't really thought of that…but I assume there are still all the normal things."

"Normal things?"

"Oh, you know. Roots. Berries. The occasional human being."

"Man, I guess your sense of humor is just as warped as ever."

He laughed, getting to his feet, but it sounded insincere and a little nervous, and I couldn't help wondering if part of him had been serious. "Come on." He offered me his hand, and I let him pull me up for camaraderie's sake.

"Let's scavenge, shall we?"

We 'scavenged' for most of the morning, but it wasn't like we found anything especially filling to eat. Mostly it was all the stuff he'd listed off: roots, berries, mushrooms and other plants. Somehow Hakkai knew which ones were edible and which ones would make us sick. That was good, because I didn't have a fucking clue. For the most part, the roots and berries took the edge off the hunger, just for a little while, kick-started the old metabolism, and then the hunger came back a little fiercer than before. But we had Jeep with us, and he found a couple nests for us to rob, so Hakkai and I wound up sharing an egg after all. Sometimes we found a fruit tree, and both of us grabbed as much fruit as we could carry, but it only lasted for a day or two. I found a fat, green caterpillar, and Hakkai dared me to eat it, which I said I'd never do, and he laughed at me and said that in a couple of days, when I was about to starve to death, I'd beg to eat a caterpillar. He could be right.

Water was a bigger issue anyway. Every now and then, we'd stumble across a stream we could drink from, but we didn't have any containers to store it in, and there was only so much we could drink in one sitting, so I probably spent most of our hike dehydrated.

Other than that, it wasn't half-bad trekking through the wilderness with Hakkai. He was always making fun of me or laughing at my expense or telling me something about the plants and wildlife around us, and I teased him so much, he finally gave me that half-annoyed, partially-tolerant 'that's enough now' look, which I probably hadn't seen since we'd left home. Weird. I'd sort of missed that look. With Goku and Sanzo always around, there wasn't a lot of time to work toward getting on Hakkai's nerves particularly, especially since Sanzo and Goku were easier targets. There was something familiar and comforting about teasing the shit out Hakkai though. Somehow it made me feel like I was the only person in the world capable of getting under his skin. Like maybe I was the only person he'd put up with it for.

When we got sick of talking and laughing at each other, we walked a long, long time, just being quiet, and that was cool too. I can be a talkative guy, if I wanna' be, but even I run out of stuff to say, and when I did, it was good not to feel any obligation to try to make conversation.

In a way, walking all day with Hakkai made me remember some of the errands we'd run for Sanzo in the past. He was always having us do something crazy—climb the mountain to reach a hidden shrine, travel to some outlaw town to reclaim a piece of stolen treasure, stake out some barely traveled path to watch for some criminal he was supposed to be apprehending in person. Those were the days.

"Running errands for Sanzo…" I blurted out loud when we'd been quiet for two hours straight.

"Yes. What about it?" His voice was casual and unassuming.

"That really sucked, huh?"

"In what way? Because it was so much work, or because it was for Sanzo?"

"Both, I guess."

"Well, I didn't mind so much." He reached up to pat Jeep's head, "It was our main source of income, you know."

"Yeah, yeah, we really owe Sanzo big, or whatever."

Hakkai smiled at me, brightly, maybe the most genuine smile I'd seen from him in days, "It wasn't just the money though, Gojyo. I feel as if I learned a great deal on those errands, don't you?"

"Guess so." I answered apathetically, but I knew what he meant.

The stupid jobs Sanzo had sent us on had ranged from tedious to unbelievably dangerous, but that was probably where I'd gotten to know Hakkai the best. Working with him, I'd learned how to fight with him, how to play off his moves and sometimes, even what he said. I'd figured out how his mind worked, where he drew lines concerning moral issues, points of view on things I'd never considered in my whole life, what he really, really cared about. Sure, living together made you see a lot of different sides of a person, but fighting side by side and problem solving and almost dying together, wandering through the backwoods together, having to bail each other out over and over, that taught you a lot too. I knew how heavy he was because he'd stood on my shoulders to climb through a window once. I knew how many dirty jokes I could tell him before I offended his well-bred sense of what was appropriate. I knew if I fell on my face he'd pick me up. If I got my guts ripped open, he had the first aid kit. If he said he gave a shit, that meant he really, actually gave a shit.

I glanced at him now.

If he went berserk, that Hakkai I knew so well, that Hakkai I'd lived with for three years, who I'd gone on those irritating, little missions with, who'd made me breakfast every day, no matter how much of a drunk ass I was the night before, the Hakkai who's life I'd saved, who'd saved my life…he'd just…disappear.

He was frowning now. He wasn't really himself, hadn't been all day. Past his harmless jabs and his boring lessons about 'this tree here' or 'that frog there' I could tell he was troubled. I could tell he was scared.

I was scared too, now that I thought about it. I didn't want that guy who I'd dragged home bloody, with his guts spilling all over my carpet, the guy I was walking next to now, to disappear.

"Think Sanzo's gonna' come up with a whole shit ton of odd jobs for us to do when we get home?"

"I certainly hope so. If not, we're stuck relying on you winning poker."

"I'm not that bad at poker, you know."

"True. You do have your moments."

I punched him in the arm again, but lighter than I had the other night when he and Goku were moping around the fire. I hated to feel like I was moping now. I just wished there was more of a guarantee.

I sighed, expelling a light cloud of cigarette smoke, "You can't go crazy on me, Hakkai…"

He didn't answer. It was too heavy. It was too blunt. It wasn't the kind of thing I'd usually say.

It didn't matter, because I had to say it out loud.

"That would really, really suck for me."

"I know it would."

Momentarily, I wondered if he actually knew, if he really got it, but I let that pass almost immediately, because I knew he did. I knew, because one drunken, stormy night, I'd laid on the beat up, shitty, little couch with a bottle of baijiu and mumbled on and on about how my mom used to beat the shit out of me and how Jien killed her to save my life, and how nothing had made sense ever since. He was the only person I'd ever told that story to, and I could still see him sitting in the chair across from me, not speaking, just listening, and looking at me, but not pityingly. Just listening.

Ever since then, it was really hard to imagine life without Hakkai. It was hard to remember what I'd done before he came along. It was worse to think about what I'd do if he snapped and ran off.

I decided to ease up on the heavy stuff, and he started talking about the weather instead. Good. I'd talk about anything to keep my mind off the idea of Hakkai going crazy.

After all, it was just dandy to tell myself I wouldn't let that happen—that I'd do whatever I had to do to prevent it—but in reality, I had to face the fact that there was probably nothing I could do.

We walked all day, only stopping a couple times to take a break or eat whatever we were able to forage, and when it got too dark to see, we laid down under the stars, not even bothering to build a fire. I locked my hands behind my head to serve as a pillow, and Jeep curled up on Hakkai's chest, chin draped across his shoulder, and we were quiet. At least it was clear out tonight.

"It's not as if you need me." Hakkai said quietly, after some time had passed.

I tilted my head to look at him, his face white in the moonlight, "What do you mean?"
"You said it would suck for you…if I go berserk. I'm not doubting that, but…I just thought I'd remind you that you got along fine before we ever met."

"Fine…"

I thought about what my life had been like before Hakkai came along. My teenage years were a blur of alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling and fist fights, and I knew that in that whole montage of beautiful women—some who I could still see and feel and taste—among the sloughs of drinking buddies and poker rivals, friendly bartenders, well-meaning do-gooders who wanted to get me off the streets and give me a normal life, none of them had ever meant a shit to me. None of them had ever gotten me, and I'd never gotten them. More importantly, none of them had ever cared. No girl who whispered that she loved me when we were wrapped in the same warm, damp sheets. No drunk pal who slapped me on the back and told me I was a good guy. No pitying bartender who shook his head, put his hand on my shoulder and gently eighty-sixed me. No disapproving, kindly old lady who told me I could have a warm meal and the room upstairs if I'd help her around the house. None of them actually cared, and if they had, I didn't believe them. Because since I was a kid, I never believed there was room in this world for me—I never believed that a shamed, cursed, red-headed bastard like me even deserved to have friends.

"I barely got by." I muttered, feeling almost bewildered by the idea that I was alive to think about it now. "I'm lucky I made it."

After all, being fourteen and relying on winning a hand of poker just to get a half-way decent dinner was pretty rough. Getting chased around by thugs and running into trouble with everybody from the local mob boss to the local law enforcement sucked ass. There were so many drunk nights I'd spent wishing I didn't have to get up and do it again the next day. There were so many nights—drunk and sober—I didn't think I could stand being alone, not even for another second. I guess that's why I wound up teaming up with Banri. He was a fucking asshole, but at least I wasn't by myself anymore. Barely skating by. All by myself.

"That's not because of me." Hakkai said starkly.

"I know."

"You grew up. You got to be an adult, and then getting by wasn't so hard. It wasn't because I came along. It's not because you need me."

"I know."

"No matter what happens to me, your life is going to continue."

He didn't say unaffected though.
"Hakkai." I sat up on my elbows, "I don't give a shit what happens to me tomorrow or in fifty years. Whether or not I 'need' you isn't the point: either way, I don't want you to go crazy."

"I appreciate that."

I laid back down. "Anyway, who's gonna' cook and clean and take out the trash if you're gone? Who in the hell's gonna' rinse out my ash tray?"
"You really didn't do any of that before we met?"

"Hell no."

"In that case, it might be good for you were something to happen to me; at the very least, you'd be forced to become more responsible."

"I don't know if I could handle being more responsible."
"It is somewhat hard to picture."

"Just don't lose it, alright, Hakkai?"

He was quiet a long time. I listened to the crickets chirping and waited.

"I'll do my best." He said at last.

I closed my eyes, and as I was slipping off to sleep, I murmured, barely aware of what I was saying, "It's not that I need you. It's just that I want you to be around."

He was quiet a while, and then he shifted around, finally answered me with a soft-spoken, "Go to sleep, Gojyo."

The way he said it made me feel kinda' silly and I thought about what Sanzo had said, about me being a clingy, little bitch. I didn't feel clingy, but I guess he could be right. Anyway, it wasn't like me to talk like this out loud. Not even to Hakkai.

Then again, I might never get another chance to say those things.