Gojyo

Hakkai stood over me. His claws were long and sharp, his eyes almost looked like they were glowing. Behind him, the sky was blood red, and the toothy smile on his face was deranged.

I could almost feel him reaching for me. I could imagine what it would be like when he tore me open: all the carnage and the pain, the heat from the blood and guts—my blood and guts—and the chill from the onset of death.

Just a few more seconds to be alive. I could hear him past that evil smile, promising me that death would be a complete and total nightmare.

I woke up, and I knew Hakkai had gone nuts last night. I knew that whatever it was that ripping him away from reality—the minus wave, or the voices in his head, or something about his past—had finally been too much for him to deal with, so he'd snapped. That was shitty for the rest of us, and it marked the beginning of the end of the team.

We couldn't get to India without him, so we couldn't stop the revival, and we couldn't get all the youkai back to normal, so the chaos would just get worse and worse.

Not that it mattered. We were all standing on the edge of a cliff. Four of us was enough to get to India alive, three wasn't. It was a thin, almost absurd line, but it was our reality.

I thought about that dark, thin shadow standing over me, claws aching to shed blood, the violent, crimson sky behind him, and I couldn't help shuddering.

Now that Hakkai was berserk, we'd probably all die. He might even kill us himself.

Come to think of it, why didn't he kill me first?

I opened my eyes and stared up at the sky. It was blue, patterned with gray, almost white, clouds, and the sun was pretty high. Nine? Maybe ten in the morning.

Too late. Why didn't we get started early?

Still, I was definitely all in one piece. My ribs still hurt a little, but that wasn't so bad; I didn't feel like I'd gotten a limb torn off or anything.

Rubbing my head, I sat up.

Hakkai wasn't there, lying next to me, like he had been last night, and Jeep was gone too.

He wasn't standing over me, waiting to slit my throat with his own nails either.

Fuzzily, I tried to think. He didn't really go crazy, did he? That was just my first weird morning thought. A dream.

No, I'd know if he went crazy.

Mostly because he would have tried to tear my throat out if he did.

So where was he? Why didn't he wake me up early so we could get moving?

It dawned on me immediately.

That little bastard left without me. He got up at the ass crack of dawn and snuck off with Jeep and left me here.

What a shitty move for a friend to pull, even if I knew full-well why he did it.

Maybe it was really bothering him last night and this morning. Maybe he was really feeling out of control. Maybe he was afraid he was going to hurt me. Whatever the reason, I didn't care. It was no excuse to just walk out on me in the middle of nowhere.

I got up, feeling about as cranky as Sanzo on a normal day, digging around for my cigarettes.

"Unbelievable." I grumbled, lighting a smoke up, "I can't believe he'd just take off and leave me behind."

Well, now there were options. Go after him? Try to talk sense into him, remind him of all the reasons why I'd come after him in the first place, tell him there was no way I was going to just let him deal with this by himself, and do this again and again, day after day? Or, stumble through the wilderness by myself until I found the main road and followed it west, drag myself back to Sanzo, bow down, kiss his boots, tell him I'd seen the error of my ways and beg to be forgiven?

"Shit. No way I'm doin' that."

I stopped and stood perfectly still, didn't so much as take a drag off my cigarette so I could listen carefully.

In the morning air, I heard all the normal things: birds singing, cicadas chirping, wind blowing, but there was also something else. Something civilized.

Voices.

I turned in the direction they were coming from, looking deep into the woods and trying to see past the darkness. I smoked a few moments, and then stepped into the shadows, pushing my way past thick, leafy branches and ducking around clumps of trees. The voices were coming from further away than I expected. I crossed a small stream and headed deeper into the forest, until the sunlight fell through the canopy in sparse, golden patches. I must have gone half a mile before I could actually make out what they were saying.

"…what do I have to do to convince you to leave me alone?"

That was Hakkai's voice. He sounded totally freaked out.

I walked a little faster.

Jade's cool, taunting tone answered him easily, "Just what are you yelling at me for? I haven't done a thing to you."

"Do you think I'm oblivious? I know what you're doing!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Cho Hakkai." I could practically hear the cruel smile she was wearing.

"I understand that you want me, I even understand why believe it or not, but leave him out of it! Leave them all out of it!"

My heart started to beat a little faster too. I hadn't heard Hakkai so freaked out in a long, long time.

"Come now, darling. I didn't touch a hair on his head."

Were they talking about me?

Who else would they be talking about, dipshit?

"If your instincts told you to do something, that has nothing to do with me." She added mockingly.

"My instincts would never contrive such a thing."

"Obviously, they would."

It sounded like the last straw for him. He shouted, "For the last time, get out of here! I don't care where you go or what you do, just stop following me!"

I broke through the last flimsy curtain of foliage, found myself face to face with both of them.

Jade was stripped from the waist up, wearing nothing but a black bra, her typical leather pants, tall boots, and some black gauntlets. There was blood smeared up her arms and across her chest and face, and in the sunlight, she looked like some kind of goddess. A goddess of war. It was pretty sexy.

Would have been anyway, if she weren't such a crazy bitch.

Hakkai looked pretty wild himself. He had blood on him too: his hands and his face were drenched and splattered with it, and it was dripping from his hair. His shirt was tattered, dirty and torn at the collar and along the shoulder. His expression was crazed, like he couldn't decide if he was thrilled or terrified.

They stopped arguing when I came crashing through the brush and stared at me.

"Hakkai…" I tried to say more, but I was distracted. I mean, come on. Jade was half-naked, and Hakkai was covered in blood. It was a bizarre scene to stumble into, and it stirred up a ton of emotions. Lust. Fear. Confusion. Anger.

"You woke him up with your screaming." Jade snorted scoldingly, "Are you going to blame me for that as well?"

I decided to hang onto the anger, "You little bitch!" I stomped toward her, "What the fuck did you do?"

"Gojyo. Gojyo." Hakkai met me half-way and grabbed my shoulders, leaving blood stains on my clothes. "Wait a moment."

"Wait for what? This psycho twat-"

"Calm down. Let me explain."

I was not in the mood for any explanation. I'd been wanting to beat the shit out of Jade since she pushed Deshi down the well, and seeing her now, fucking around with my best friend's head, or whatever the hell she was doing, only intensified that desire.

"Explain later." I shoved him to the side and kept going.

Jade tilted her head to the side, "Are you going to punish me?"

"You bet your sweet ass I'm gonna' punish you."

Her hands were hanging loosely at her sides, but I could see she was ready for action. A smug, little grin tugged at the corner of her mouth. "You don't even know what for."

"For knocking Deshi into the well the other day—that's good enough for me."

"That again?"

"That again. I'm going to beat the fucking hell out of you for that, right now." I cocked a fist back.

Hakkai caught my arm just in time, "Gojyo! Stop it!"

"Why should I? This chick's jerking you around and fucking with your head and just straight pissing me off."

"I know that."
"Gime' one good reason why I should stop."

"It's not your place to interfere. It's not your fight."

"She-"

"Gojyo. It's not your fight." He said sharply.

"Then you beat the fucking hell outta' her."

"She's on our side, remember?"

"She's not on our side." Angrier than ever, I wrenched away and pushed him back, "She's a goddamn succubus. You remember?"

"Even so, she is our ally, and if you break our truce and start a fight with her right now, all of us will be worse off than ever. All of us."

What was going to keep her from hunting down and attacking Sanzo just to be a bitch if I broke the truce?

I don't give a rat's ass about Sanzo.

But Goku… The kid didn't deserve to have to put up with Ryptcore and Jade at the same time.

That was the thought that made me finally, slowly, lower my fist and try to calm down.

The anger didn't go away though, and neither did the desire to beat the crap out of her. "Get out of here." I snarled at her. "Now."

Jade stood there grinning at me, like the bloodsucker she was. "Only if you say please."

I took another step toward her.

Hakkai stopped me again, sounding impatient, "Enough of this now. Let's get moving, Gojyo—we have a full day of traveling ahead of us, and not a moment to waste on this."

Then he let go of me, leaving bloody smears on my jacket, and walked back the way I'd come from, either fully confident that I'd follow, or completely resigned to the fact that he couldn't stop me.

I kept my eyes on Jade and waited until Hakkai had gotten a ways away, and then I moved forward, so we were standing just inches apart; it took all my willpower not to punch her pretty, smiling face.

"Listen up, you bitch." I grated out.

She watched me, listening so intently, the sarcasm was almost audible.

It only made me hate her more.

"I know my way around a tart, so you ain't fooling me with that innocent act: I know a femme fatale when I see one."
"Oh, very clever. Do you normally receive a doggy treat for such things?"

I shouldered in closer, like I would if I were going to kiss her, only roughly, got right in her face and spat, "I don't know what you're doing to Hakkai, but you had better cut it the hell out and back the fuck off."

Jade sighed tragically, "The two of you are so very protective of one another. Maybe that's why he has no interest in me. And here I was thinking that act with the slut from the bar the other night was so convincing, Gojyo."

I let that one slide off.

"If you don't back off, I'm gonna' show ya' you're wrong about me not having any youkai instincts." I finished darkly, "I will rip your heart out."

She looked back at me contemptuously, but she didn't make any more offhanded remarks. Maybe because she could see how serious I was, or feel the brutal truth of promise in my words. She had to hear it in my voice that I would kill her one way or another, even if it almost killed me too.

"Well." She said at last, more quietly, the smile finally gone from her bloody lips, "In that case, I'd better watch my step." With that, she walked away, vanishing into the shadows again.

Heart still hammering with rage and anxiety, I shoved my hands deep in my pockets and went after Hakkai. He wasn't that far ahead of me, and I figured he'd been walking slowly, waiting for me to catch up.

Before he could say anything, I asked, "So, who's blood is that? Hers? Or Yours?"

He sighed weightily, "It was just a deer…"

"You killed a deer?"

"It's not as bad as what I nearly did." He murmured.

"Why? What did you almost do?"

"Don't worry about it."

I thought about the dream I'd had this morning. That was a dream, wasn't it? I thought I'd rather not know.

"Gojyo." Hakkai interrupted my thoughts. "I think it might be best if you went and found the others."

"You mean go back to Sanzo?"

"Yes, if you want to put it that way…"

"Why the hell would I do that?"

"It's not that I don't appreciate having you with me, however, the way things are going…that is, the fact that I'm not fully myself…. It's just a dangerous situation."

"I don't care what kind of situation it is. I'm not going back to Sanzo. Not without you."

"Come now." He looked at me reproachfully, "Please don't be stubborn. It's for the best."

"Oh shut the fuck up. Do I look like a guy who cares what's 'for the best'?"

Hakkai turned away resignedly, and I saw the disappointed, worried look on his face before he got a chance to hide it.

"You're letting her get to you." I accused.

"I-" he faltered, started over in a quiet, almost apologetic tone, "I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Unless it's just a coincidence that you started losing your mind after she came along."

"I suppose it could be a coincidence."

"Except that it's not."

"The minus wave-"

"God damn it!" I stopped and punched the nearest tree so hard the bark busted my knuckles open, "Why are you lying to me!?"

Hakkai looked wide-eyed at me.

"Seriously, man, what the fuck? You keep acting like this isn't a big deal when we all know that it is! Why? Why do you keep treating me like I don't know what the fuck is going on?"
"You're over-reacting." He admonished calmly. "It's not like that at all."

With a snarl, I lunged forward and caught him by the front of the shirt. I knew it was a risk—the slightest threat could probably throw him over the edge now—but I couldn't take this anymore. "You know she's a threat, but you just keep letting her hang around like it doesn't matter; you act like everything's fine, even though nothing is fine. And you keep defending her, as if her being an ally has anything to do with it! You're not stupid, Hakkai—the Hakkai I know is a smart guy—you know that having an ally who's going to claw you apart from the inside out is worse than having an enemy."

"Gojyo-"

"Fuck man!" I shook him hard, ripping his torn shirt even more. "Don't give me any more bullshit about the friggin' minus wave! It never affected you before! Why should I believe that it's affecting you now, completely out of nowhere?

"Gojyo!"

"Fine! You wanna' lie to yourself? Keep telling me it's because of the minus wave. If you want to let her whittle away your sanity little by little out of some warped sense of chivalry do it, but I won't sit by and just watch it happen!"

"She reminds me of Kanan!" He grabbed my wrists so tightly I felt them bruise, and wrenched loose of my grip.

It was more than enough to shut me up; in fact, I was utterly stunned, and for several minutes, all I could do was stare at him. He waited.

The cigarette fell from my mouth as I gaped at him, trying to find something—anything—to say, but all that came to mind was to repeat what he'd told me. "Kanan? She reminds you of Kanan?"

Hakkai didn't so much as shrug at me. I thought I saw some shame enter his eyes, and he lowered his gaze.

"That bitch? She—but… I never would have thought Kanan was anything like that-"

"She wasn't." He said immediately, not even giving me a moment to finish. "Kanan had nothing in common with that woman. She was sweet and gentle and caring. There was nothing brutal, violent or dangerous about Kanan."

"Well, yeah. No." I threaded my fingers through the back of my hair, anger and frustration rapidly disappearing. "I mean, I didn't think so." I waited a moment for him to explain, but it didn't look like he was planning on it. "But then-"

"I don't know why. It makes absolutely no sense that two such opposite women should have any remote association in my mind, and yet…when I see her." He laid his hand across his abdomen, "It hurts."

I had a sudden, grossly vivid memory of shoving his intestines back into him, and of the putrid, steaming red on my hands. It almost made me shudder.

"There is no rational explanation, Gojyo. But…perhaps it's not so much a matter of them being similar, as it is of Jade making me remember what it was like to be with Kanan. It's utterly insane, and yet there is some part of me that longs to be with her, the way I was with Kanan, even though I have no feelings for her whatsoever, and that's the problem."

Maybe I understood, just a little. I mean, I'd never been in love, but I could guess. That feeling might be so close to how he'd felt when he was with Kanan, maybe he thought he might be able to close his eyes and pretend it was Kanan.

"But." He added bleakly, "More importantly, being near her arouses something else in me. I have no idea if it's something she can do at will—an enchantment of some kind—or just a byproduct of my hideous fascination with her, but she makes me want to be...well…free."

"Free?"

He flicked his ear meaningfully.

"Ohhhh. I guess that explains a lot."

"Unfortunately. It's not a desire I've ever had in the past you know, being 'free'. I never considered myself to be imprisoned, and in many ways, I've gone these past four years, still thinking of myself as being human. Now I have to face the fact that I truly am a youkai, and maybe all of it—thinking of Kanan and wanting to be with Jade and wishing I were free—is weakening my will against the minus wave."

Some of the outrage came back, but it wasn't directed at him this time, "So we need to kick the shit out of that little bitch and things'll go back to normal."

Hakkai chuckled, "You make it sound so easy, Gojyo, but…Jade is tenacious and powerful. I don't think getting rid of her will be a simple task."

"So you don't even want to try?"

"I-I don't know what I want. I need a little time to figure that out, I think. But…it's frightening to consider…and yet, I may have to face that my days as a human, even passing as one, are drawing to a close.

"My complication has always been to be a human soul, with a human heart, existing inside this youkai body, battling youkai instincts; recently, that's been getting more and more difficult. My human heart is pained by the things I dream of and the things I long for. I fear that in time, it may shut down, and I may give in."

And then the guy whose guts I stuffed back in will be gone forever.

Suddenly, worse than ever, I just really wanted things to be normal again. I wanted to wake up, right now, back home, in my own bed, under my own rotting, leaky roof, roll out of bed and go into the kitchen, where Hakkai would be making breakfast. Shoot the shit a while. Give each other a hard time. Maybe run a quick, simple errand for Master Sanzo, and then go out, party, have a kick ass time, stumble home to bed and do it all again the next day. I wanted that so bad, it almost hurt.

I wanted it so much, I even went so far as to say it out loud. "Let's just forget this, Hakkai. Let's just forget the whole stupid thing—forget that bitch and Ryptcore and Sanzo even. Let's just get in the Jeep and go home." I gripped his shoulder, "For Christ's sake, Hakkai. Let's just go home."

He stared back at me, not answering.

"Please?"
Stupid me. As if saying please was going to make him agree.

Slowly, Hakkai smiled at me, way too brightly for what he said next, "Would you really let the world go to hell so easily, Gojyo?"

"The world let me go to hell that easily."

"Yes, but, could you live with yourself, knowing it was your fault?"

"This bullshit ain't worth you losing your mind over."

"I am just one man. I learned already that my petty, little problems are scarcely enough to make the world blink at me, and therefore, I have no intentions of going home now, because like it or not, if we want to have a home to go back to, we must stop the revival. If you want to go home, that's your decision, but I think it's very unlike you to run away so willingly."

God I wanted to go home. At least, I had been thinking I did, for a while now. I had been thinking I was sick of Sanzo and sick of this trip, but honestly, what good would it do me if I went home without them? Living in that dumpy little shack without Hakkai would suck even more than it had before I met him. I wouldn't be running errands for Sanzo, so it would be back to living off poker money. Of course, there'd be that weird, Goku-shaped hole I probably couldn't explain if I tried. Life without the guys would be really strange and lonely.

"Fine." I snapped. "Have it your way, Hakkai."

He looked surprised, "That was unexpectedly simple. I thought for sure it would take more than that little speech to convince you."

"Yeah, well, you know me. I hate to be alone."

"Hm. Somehow I think I didn't know that about you."

"It's true. Being alone sucks, and I hate it."

"Oh, yes." He laughed. "I remember now—you did tell me that before. In any case, shall we press on? I think that, with a little time, I may be able to get a hold of myself. Then we can rejoin the others, hopefully."

"Right. But we have got to do something about that bitch."

He frowned slightly, "We'll see."

'We'll see' wasn't anywhere near good enough for me. In fact, it was probably the shittiest answer he could have given me, but under the circumstances, I decided pushing it wouldn't get me anywhere, and I let it go as we began to walk again.

Once, I checked over my shoulder, and I thought I saw her, lurking somewhere in the woods, standing in the shadows, watching us with those heartless, green eyes.