Possibly one of my favorite chapters here...
Thanks for sticking around and reading and for all the wonderful reviews. I feel like I've finally got this whole thing figured out.
Hakkai
By the time I reached the town, the sun was starting to rise, and the people were just coming to life, small numbers of them going about their business in the quiet streets. A few of them looked strangely at me when I passed by, horrified by the blood on me, but only one man stopped me to ask if I needed any assistance, at which point, I was able to inquire about an affordable inn. He looked at me like I should have been asking about a doctor instead, but he pointed me in the right direction, so I thanked him, and left.
"I don't really have enough money to check into an inn." I told Jeep, who was riding on my shoulder once more, "But it can't be helped—I'm exhausted."
As reluctant as I was to spend my dismal amount of money, I checked into a threadbare, one-bed apartment, and then I waited. I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't, because I was too worried.
Gojyo might be fighting Jade even now; unlikely though, seeing how I'd left him several hours ago. The fight might be over, and that left all the possibilities up in the air, floating above my head, waiting to crash down on me.
He might be dead, and that would be on me. I'd left him there with the shabbiest excuse for an argument I'd ever made in my life. I hadn't stopped Jade a long time ago, back when I was still reasonably sane, and therefore, I'd brought all of this on him.
Still, I didn't think she'd kill him.
Whatever the case, I couldn't even think of sleeping while he was in that predicament.
I got up from my seat on the edge of the bed and paced around the room, checking the window twice before sitting down again.
Why didn't I think she'd kill him? I had told him that she would. She had acted like she wanted him dead. But she had wanted me to kill him.
Besides. Jade was a concentrated dose of insanity, but she wasn't stupid—just the opposite, in fact—so she had to know that killing Gojyo wouldn't convince me to join her, but that it would likely achieve the opposite. She had to at least be somewhat aware of the fact that, if she killed him, I was going to kill her next, and I hardly cared what that would mean for my sanity. I'd let her get away with quite a few serious trespasses since first running into her, but that was something I would not allow her to get away with.
Other than that, I was feeling a serious sense of concern for Sanzo and Goku. Presumably, Ryptcore was still out there—he'd been critically injured the last time we fought him, but he had sent Chang and Gang after us, which obviously meant he was still somewhere, giving orders—as long as he was alive, he was going to keep looking for Sanzo and trying to kill him. I had hoped that, before very long, I'd get a hold of myself and be able to rejoin them, but getting my personal demons in order was taking much longer than I'd expected. It had only been a few days, but it was a few days too many, and Sanzo and Goku could be dead by now.
I doubted that Goku was, in any case. While I'd been fighting the two of them, I had sensed that the Seiten Taisei was a bit stronger than Ryptcore was, so he was at least strong enough to survive the fight, but only at the price of removing his diadem, at which point, he probably wouldn't bother protecting Sanzo, and I knew from experience that fighting Ryptcore and Goku was a dangerous task to take up all alone.
All in all, I felt as if I was letting all of my friends down, one at a time. I seemed to be dragging Gojyo deeper and deeper into a mess he wouldn't be able to pull himself out of, and in the meantime, Sanzo and Goku needed us both, and it was my fault that neither of us were there to assist them. At this point, I thought it was safe to say that if the mission fell apart and the revival was successful, it would be my fault.
I began to pace around. Don't think such things, Hakkai. You're placing far too much responsibility on yourself.
It was easy to tell myself that, but impossible to actually believe it. What I really needed was to hear someone else say those things out loud, with conviction and certainty, and absurdly foolish optimism.
Again, I stopped to stare out the window—the streets were a bit busier now, though not much, and I didn't see anyone I recognized.
Absently, I patted Jeep's head, sighed, "Even if he were here…I can't imagine he would actually say those things to me. I can't believe he would actually think them at all."
I realized suddenly that I was still covered in blood, so I went to wash up a little, but there was nothing I could do to remove the stains from my clothes, and when I looked in the mirror, I saw the hidden beast, still lurking in my eyes, the blood of his best friend still staining his teeth as he grinned at me, wolfishly.
I washed my face, then, miserably, I went back to pacing. I felt that I was facing a wall of despair; after all, if I could only resolve my own issues, this might be over by now. Gojyo and I could help Sanzo and Goku. The four of us, together, with the help of Kougaiji and Dokugakuji, should be enough to dispatch Ryptcore, and then we could all continue moving west.
In the face of everything that had happened in the last few days, and particularly last night, that felt more impossible than ever.
I'm not sure how long I paced and alternated between standing by the window and sitting on the edge of the bed, but it must have been a couple of hours. I saw the sun getting higher and higher while the streets became busier and busier, and my heart grew more and more anxious the longer I watched. Shouldn't he have been here by now? He knew where to go, didn't he? Even if he had to inquire at every inn in town, he should have found me by now.
When the anxiety was too much to bear, I decided to go outside, in hopes that he'd happen along while I was there.
The sun was warm and the air was fresh, and normally I might have felt a bit refreshed, but as I stood there, leaning against the wall of the inn, watching as the town's inhabitants drifted by, unaware of my existence and my plight, I just felt a bit sick, and my head was starting to hurt.
All in all, the town was very quiet. Even now, toward the middle of the day, no one was really out. Small groups of people hurried by, but they seemed nervous, and many of them looked warily at me. I thought that I was likely in a part of town that was never very busy to begin with, and I supposed that was well enough.
I looked up the road, toward the edge of town, and waited, each moment that passed feeling sure that he was going to round the corner and see me. I could picture it all easily enough, with him smoking and grinning and taking his time as he approached. I could practically hear him: "Hey'a, 'Kai. Don't hafta' worry about that bitch anymore—she never had a chance."
How ideal. I thought bitterly.
Another hour, possibly two, passed me by, and still he didn't come. I began to walk. With any luck, he was in town by now—I didn't see how he could possibly not be in town by this time—and he was just wandering around. Yes. He'd probably gotten distracted somewhere, with a woman, or maybe he'd stopped for a drink, or to gamble in the local bar. When I found him, he'd laugh and put his arm around my neck and say 'My bad.'
How naïve are you? If he gets here—when he gets here-he's not going to be in a very good mood.
He would come though. I knew he would. It was unacceptable to think that he might not.
Never-the-less, even if Jade spared his life strictly because she didn't want to make an enemy out of me, he probably wouldn't reach town in the best condition of his life. He'd probably drag himself here, staggering and bleeding, only partially conscious, using his bloody shakujou as a walking staff. He'd probably fall down at my feet and pass out from exertion.
Now that's severely pessimistic, don't you think? He certainly wouldn't appreciate your lack of faith in him. He wouldn't appreciate you picturing him behaving so pathetically.
Pessimistic or pathetic, what difference did it make? It was also extremely realistic. He'd been injured when I left. His ribs still weren't healed, and I'd torn into him myself, setting him up to lose the fight by my own two hands.
I went back to imagining him getting distracted by the sight of a loose, young woman. It may not have been realistic, but it was a bit more cheering, and it gave me some comfort.
Above all else, I could not start to think that he might be dead.
I decided to try and get my idea off the whole situation entirely and did a bit of shopping. I didn't have much money left after renting the room, but I had more than enough to purchase something to eat. At the moment, I wasn't particularly hungry—I felt sick—but I thought I should at least get myself a clean shirt so that I wouldn't have to continue running around looking like an axe murderer. When I had something respectable to put on, I disposed of my old shirt and considered buying food, mostly because I needed to keep up my strength.
Along the way, I noticed that the streets were still decidedly empty, even in the market where they should have been busiest at hour. It was well past noon—growing close to two—and I saw that many of the shops were closed, and the crowds were thin and edgy. For the first time, I began to wonder where all the people were. It was a town of decent size, and there ought to have been a lot more people than this.
As I was picking my way through the market, murmuring to Jeep occasionally, I passed a group of people who were huddled off to the side of the street.
One woman was in the middle of saying, "Oh how terrible! The entire town?"
"I'm afraid so." Returned the man she was speaking to.
"Well, do they know how it started?"
"A group of youkai, as I understand it—a mean group of youkai. Insane, every one of them."
I stopped.
Jeep chirped and nudged my ear, nibbling at my limiter cuff.
Slowly, I turned to them, and I tried to smile, but it felt as if the expression simply rolled over and died on my lips, "Excuse my interruption."
They looked up at me, clearly startled, and even a bit nervous.
"I hope you don't think me rude, but I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying. Could you possibly enlighten me as to what happened?"
The man who'd been speaking stared at me, looking me up and down before stammering out, "You mean you haven't heard? I thought everyone had heard."
"I'm afraid I've been a bit out of the loop recently."
"A group of youkai attacked the next village over, east of here."
"A large group?"
"Very large. According to the rumors, they may as well have been an army."
"An army…" I glanced around the streets again, half-expecting to see Ryptcore and his DethBreed coming toward me, and then, inevitably, I thought of Sanzo, "Were there any survivors?"
"Precious few, sir. They've all scattered throughout the countryside, but I had the chance to speak with a man who was there—poor bastard lost everything he had, family included—he said those monsters burned the whole place to the ground. Not a thing left to be seen there."
"I see…Well…hopefully those two weren't there at the time." I didn't think Gojyo and I could kill Ryptcore on our own, let alone accomplish the mission to India, and that was all functioning within the very optimistic thought that Gojyo himself wasn't dead either.
The people stared at me a while longer, looking confused and suspicious. The man said slowly, "The man I spoke to told me it looked as if that army was marching in this direction—a lot of people have been evacuating."
"Ah, is that so? That certainly explains how quiet it is in this town."
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I take it you're not from around here, sir."
"No. Not as such. I'm a traveler myself."
"Really? Where did you come from?"
"East."
He was nodding, but I could see that more and more he didn't like the look of me at all. Perhaps it was because my pants were still splattered with a disgusting amount of blood.
"East?" A woman gasped, "You didn't come all this way alone, did you, young man? It's terribly dangerous in this region—lots of youkai."
"Not alone, I assure you, ma'am." I tried to smile again, but I felt sicker than ever, "I had a companion whom I lost touch with over the course of last night. I wonder if you've seen him—he's my age, with red hair and a penchant for smoking."
They glance among themselves and murmured, but in the end, the answer was no. I thanked them and decided I'd best excuse myself, because they seemed to be growing more and more suspicious the longer I stood there.
From that point, I asked a few more people if they'd come across Gojyo, but no one had, and they all seemed rather loath to trust me, so, for the most part, I kept to myself, doing my best not to get discouraged. After all, he had to come eventually.
Either way, I was feeling more and more worried as the day went by. When the sun was beginning to set, I felt almost afraid. I stood on the outskirts of the town, staring back toward the woods I'd come out of early this morning.
I'd been so eager to escape Jade at that time, I'd just run, hardly thinking of who I was leaving behind, and now I was wishing that I hadn't allowed my cowardice to get the best of me. I'd never left him like that before, I realized. After everything we'd been through together in the last four years, I'd never willingly turned my back on him and run away without so much as a glance over my shoulder. Albeit, I'd never left anyone behind like that before, but I'd certainly never even considered forsaking Gojyo when he was in danger. No matter how many times either of us had joked about leaving the other behind when he became too much of a burden, I had always known that neither of us would ever actually do it.
"Where are you?" I murmured. It had been almost a whole twelve hours. He should have caught up with me by now. Why in the world hadn't he?
I was afraid to know the answer. I didn't even want to consider the possibility that she'd killed him.
"If she did…" I let a bit of my anger seep into my voice, "I won't rest until she's dead."
Jade had to know that, didn't she? It seemed terribly obvious, but then…perhaps that was only because I knew that would be my reaction. It would be unthinkable for Gojyo to get killed and not to do something to avenge him. It would be ridiculous for me not to hunt down his murderer. I suppose Jade might not know that. She'd never cared for anyone, as best I could tell.
That's not quite true. She's sworn to kill Sanzo because he's personally responsible for the death of her husband.
Suddenly, I felt confused. If Jade was so attached to her husband, why on earth was she so determined to have me? For the first time, I wondered if there wasn't some ulterior motive to everything she was doing…
Perhaps I didn't really want the answer to that either.
All I did want was for Gojyo to show up. I wanted the reassurance of knowing he was alive and of knowing how badly he was injured.
Regardless of whether or not Jade truly cared for her husband, she may not realize just how angry I would be if she killed Gojyo. It's not impossible…
"Should I go and look for him?" I asked suddenly.
Jeep crooned.
"I'm not sure…I'm not sure if it's wise. But…waiting for him certainly is frustrating, and nerve-racking for that matter."
I stood a while longer on the edge of town, looking out at the wilderness, trying to make up my mind. Give him a little longer, or go back and find him. If I went back to look for him, I risked running into Jade again, and I didn't think my sanity was stable enough for that just yet. I had to have a bit more time to compose myself until the wild feeling inside me was completely still.
For the first time all day, I considered the act I'd committed with her, the unbridled way we'd made love, and I felt ashamed. To think that I was still so weak in the face of Kanan's death. I'd been abstaining from sex since Kanan died, and I had assumed that the next time I indulged in that carnal desire, it would be because I'd found someone new to love. The fact that I'd lost sight of that in Jade's presence was a huge indication to me of just how she was affecting my sanity now, and I trembled to think of what might happen the next time we met. Logically, the best thing to do would be to stay as far from her as I could from now on.
Gojyo could be lying out there, dying, if not dead, and you can only think of yourself. It's terribly selfish, Hakkai.
"I suppose…" I exhaled sharply, "I should go and look for him." This was just too unreasonable of an amount of time to wait. "Come along, Jeep."
I was just about to go when I heard a rattle behind me, like someone knocking over a trashcan, and then there came the sound of heavy, unsteady steps. I turned, thinking I'd see an enemy, or perhaps, at best, a homeless beggar, coming to ask for money.
Instead, Gojyo stumbled around the corner, clinging to the wall for support with one hand, blood smearing across the stone where he touched it, clutching his stomach with the other.
He appeared to be rather worse for the wear. There was blood running down the side of his face, flowing from his neck and shoulders, his shirt was gone, jacket stained, and his torso was a mass of sticky, dark red and ragged, torn flesh. It looked as if he'd torn his shirt into strips to use as makeshift bandages, and his bandana was tied around his leg. There was a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, marred with smudgy, brownish blood stains, but it wasn't lit.
He stopped and looked at me, blinking through the blood, "Heh. Fuckin' finally. Next time you say 'let's meet in the next town', pick a fuckin' spot, would'ja?"
I was right earlier in thinking his mood would be less than cheerful; his voice didn't so much as hint at playfulness—he seemed genuinely irritated—and he was scowling prominently, his forehead almost as wrinkled as Sanzo's was normally. But, I was still unbelievably happy and relieved to see him, ran to his side at once, "Gojyo!" I gripped his arm, trying to steady him, "Are you all right? What took you so long? I've waited all day!"
"What took me so long, he says. Jeez, Hakkai, I wonder." In spite of his gruff tone, he grabbed onto my shoulder, swaying like he'd fall at any given second.
I stumbled under his weight and held him up.
"Of course… No…all I meant was, I was quite concerned…" I suddenly found I couldn't look him in the eyes; I noticed that his neck and shoulder were chewed worse than ever, and the guilt came back to me that much stronger as I recalled what I'd done to him.
"Nn. Sorry… It took me a long time…to walk over here…"
"I'm sure. Do you think you'll…?"
Not waiting for me to finish, he slid to the ground, wincing painfully, back against the wall, "Man, am I having a shitty week or what?"
Jeep swept down and landed on his knee, nudging at his face, sympathetically.
I dropped to my knees in front of him, feeling a bit frantic as I looked him over again. On his abdomen, I saw long, deep claw marks, crisscrossing over one another, much more severe than the one's I'd given him in the side. His leg had been slashed open too, and I saw a fairly serious amount of blood flowing from the wound there. I was horrified to see that the scars on his cheek had been sliced open. His whole body was trembling from effort and pain. "What about Jade?" I asked quietly.
"Dunno' where she went."
"She is alive though?"
"Yeah…"
"But she let you live. That's fortunate."
"Let me live, huh? What makes you think I didn't kick the shit outta' her and chase her off?"
"Well, what did happen?"
"Let's…not talk about all the messy details, okay, Romeo? Your girlfriend is freaky, let's leave it at that."
I didn't want to know what any of that meant either, though, after last night, I could infer easily enough, and I watched him, feeling guiltier and guiltier as he leaned back against the wall, eyes shut.
"Hey." His voice was soft, as if he could hardly stay awake, "You gotta' extra lighter? Can't find mine…"
I dug into my pocket, producing one immediately. Normally, I didn't carry a lighter, although perhaps it would be wise if I did, since it seemed that either Gojyo or Sanzo always needed one; I'd picked this one up after Gojyo had his nicotine withdrawals, thinking the last thing any of us needed was for him to fly off the proverbial handle when he couldn't get his cigarette lit. I leaned forward to light the cigarette for him, sat back as he smoked a while, noticed his hand was bleeding and his mouth was chewed and torn, there were bruises on his jaw, and his breathing sounded shaky.
It was then that I realized just how badly I was trembling, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Gojyo."
For a moment, he didn't answer, and then he scoffed, "Hey, what'd I tell ya' about that sorry shit?"
It had been years since he'd said it, but I still remembered.
"…you're always so down on yourself…you gotta' figure out how to forgive yourself…"
Unfortunately, I still hadn't figured that out.
"Yes, but this is all my fault! Look at you! I let her do this—I helped her! How can I not be sorry?"
"Calm down, man. I-"
"No! I fell forward at his feet, pressing my face to the ground, shaking and practically sobbing, "How can I? I'm responsible for this whole mess—she tore you to pieces, and I let her, and then you dragged yourself all the way over here to find me! At this point, I can't even consider myself a worthy compatriot, let alone an acceptable friend! Clearly I'm going out of my mind, and I seem intent on letting everyone else take the fall for it!"
Gojyo stared at me eyes wide with shock, mouth hanging open like he was in the midst of saying something.
I couldn't bear to look at him, so I shut my eyes, "I didn't ask you to do this for me—I told you, 'Gojyo, go away before you get hurt', but you're too stubborn to listen, and I let you stay, knowing this would happen, eventually, because I'm selfish, and I didn't want to be alone—I don't deserve this! I'm not worth it for you to get hurt over! I-"
"But I did, okay? You didn't have to ask. I wanted to."
I sucked a sharp breath, throat aching from the urge to burst into tears, "But-"
"So quit your whining and close these fuckin' wounds before I bleed to death."
"Gojyo. Gojyo, I-"
"If you say you're sorry one more time, I'll kick your damn teeth down your throat."
Slowly, I sat up again, forcing myself to look at him, even the blood on his face and with his guts hanging out of him. It made me feel physically ill and emotionally destroyed, but I had to face him, eventually.
Gojyo looked back at me steadily, "I'll die unless you get your shit together. I only 'dragged myself all the way over here' so you could heal me."
Nodding stiffly, I moved forward. It took me a handful of minutes to close all his wounds, and as I did, I couldn't ignore the queasy feeling in my stomach that it wouldn't be good enough.
When I was done, I rose, helping Gojyo to his feet, but he didn't so much as groan. "I-I apologize for behaving so wretchedly. All of this is really beginning to get to me, I'm afraid."
He didn't answer me. He didn't say it was okay, and he didn't say it wasn't. He just tested his arm and stretched, peeled off some of the makeshift, shirt-bandages, and I saw that they were sticky and bloody.
"Gojyo…" I began, apprehensively, "Don't you think…that is, I feel that, in light of the circumstances, perhaps you'd best go ahead and rejoin Sanzo and Goku. I'll stay behind and sort through my problems, and when the time is right, Jeep and I will-"
Gojyo threw a single blow as a response—a fierce right-hook—knuckles busting across my jaw, splitting my lip. It was so powerful, I found myself stumbling back, groping at the air in search of stability, and when I caught my balance again, all I could do was stare at him, disbelieving that he'd done something so recklessly violent when my youkai instincts were so close to the surface. "G-Go…jyo…?"
He was glaring at me, his voice like midnight, stark and cold, his eyes like daggers. I'd never seen him look at me that way, and it was almost frightening. "I don't want to hear anymore of your fucking bullshit feelings, Hakkai. Let's get one thing straight, right now: you didn't drag me into this, I followed your dumb ass; Don't you think I could have said 'who gives a shit?' and went with Sanzo?"
"Yes, but you-"
"I'll hit you again. I swear to God I will. I ain't fuckin' scared of you, Hakkai."
"Perhaps you should be." I murmured.
He grabbed me by the front of the shirt, giving me a rough jerk, "Quit it with all this angsty, dramatic, emo crap. I'm not. I'm sick and tired of you spitting the same, old stupid shit back at me. Jade's nuts. You're nuts. I'm up to my neck in this shit. I keep telling myself 'it can't get any worse', and then it does. Then I'm askin' 'what's gonna' go wrong next?' It fuckin' sucks. But I can't just leave. You know damn well why, so quit telling me I should go!"
"I'm just trying to-"
"I'm not the one who needs help, Hakkai." He pushed me away, just as roughly as he'd grabbed me. "Now untuck your dick, pull your head out of your ass, and get your shit together, man."
"What do I have to do to make you leave? You almost got killed! Do you think I want to stand by and watch you get hurt over and over? What can I do to get you to just go?"
"Blow me." He snapped. He grabbed up his jacket and walked away.
I lingered a moment, shaking my head at his stubbornness, and then followed, jaw still aching where he'd hit me. Before long, I was walking beside him.
We'd gone a ways in silence before he said, "That bitch thinks she knows you, 'Kai, but she doesn't."
His voice was more normal now, less angry, sounding tired.
I listened quietly.
"She thinks she gets it, but she doesn't know. She has no idea that you were a human once, and I almost think you forgot about that too."
"I haven't." I husked.
"Yeah, well, you're still human on the inside anyway, so listen to your heart instead of your instincts. How hard can that be?"
"Harder than you think, I'm sure."
"All I'm sayin' is, you're not a normal youkai."
I hesitated to ask, "Do you think that actually makes a difference?"
He turned on me, snapping, "Yes. Yes, I fucking do. Why? Because all the normal youkai went crazy a long time ago, and they're out running around eating people, but you're not."
It made sense, in its own way, but it was just somewhat difficult to put a lot of faith in that possibility. "Still, you realize it's not impossible for the same fate to befall me."
"'Course I know it." He rubbed his neck where the now half-healed wounds were. "Just…you can't give up on yourself yet, you can't expect me to just give up on you."
"Not giving up on me is one thing." I answered sternly, "But putting yourself at risk for my sake is unnecessary."
Gojyo shook his head, "I know I can't make you get it. I don't care if you get it or not, just quit telling me to leave."
I sighed, "Pigheaded indeed."
"Yeah, well you're stubborn too, so I don't wanna' hear it. Hey, what are we doing anyway?"
"I'm not exactly sure yet… I checked into an inn here—perhaps we ought to go there and regroup. After all, you're injuries were rather serious, and you lost a lot of blood."
"Fine by me. I'm fucking tired."
"Once we've had some dinner and we've gotten some rest, we can discuss our next move."
Gojyo just nodded. I could see how exhausted he really was just from the stiffness in his movements and the slow, almost clumsy way he was walking. It made me feel another pang of unbearable guilt, and I stepped up close beside him, "Gojyo…?"
"Nn?"
"I know you don't want to hear anymore pathetic apologies or overly dramatic, emotional outbursts…but…can I just tell you how much I hate what I did last night?"
"I didn't like it either." He rubbed his neck again.
"Will you allow me to explain myself?"
"You don't really need to—it was pretty self-explanatory."
"Indulge me?"
He was silent.
"I didn't want to do it, you know that don't you?"
"I know."
"If I could take it back, I would, without so much as a thought, and it won't happen again. I promise."
"Alright. Cool."
"Gojyo." I grabbed his arm, and he turned to look at me.
"I believe you, Hakkai. It's cool. I'm just tired."
"Yes…I know. I just wanted to say that…well, I doubt I can apologize enough for what happened, and I'm not even sure I can forgive myself for it, but please know, whatever happens next, I appreciate that you haven't given up on me."
"Hey, man." He looked almost startled, "'Course I ain't givin' up on you. This is one long-ass job for Sanzo, but you and me are still partners, right?"
Partners.
Admittedly, it had been a while since I'd thought of him that way, but still, I couldn't pinpoint when it was exactly that I'd stopped. It used to be the most natural thing in the world, calling Gojyo partner, and suddenly I wondered if we'd lost something on this journey, or if we'd simply found something new, and I missed the way it used to be, and I hated this quest with all my heart, for just a moment.
No, I can't think that. We haven't lost anything. We're exactly the way we've always been, it's just that, these days, we don't have to think about it as often.
"Well…I suppose that's true."
"Damn straight. We're in this shit together, so quit worrying about it."
"In that case…you'll have to excuse me for being remiss in my duty, but I can assure you, this the last time."
"As long as you get your head in the game it sounds good to me."
"Naturally, I can't make any promises concerning my own sanity, but I'll choke on my own tongue before I turn on you again, and as for that woman, if she so much as touches you, for any reason, I'm going to kill her."
Gojyo grinned—it seemed as if it had been forever since I'd seen him smile—and even laughed a little, "Hey, ease up. When I say partners I don't mean life-partners."
I let the flippant remark pass by without comment; I knew full well by now that pretending it didn't matter was the only way he knew how to handle genuine affection or concern.
But, partners…
That word was still resounding in my ears, abruptly reminding me of something vitally important, and that was that last night, Jade had attacked and done her best to turn me against my partner, a man I'd long ago swore to myself that I'd always fight beside and prioritize his well-being above my own, simply because, to me, that's what being a partner meant, and because I knew that he, in turn, would be regarding me similarly. The proof that he was doing just that was now staining my clothes as well as his.
We began to walk again, and I said, "I know I don't need to protect you, necessarily; at this point, it's a matter of principle."
"Principle?"
I allowed my tone to darken some, "All of this has made me quite angry. Jade is my problem, and the fact that my sanity has become so badly impaired is something I know I have to deal with more or less alone, because willing as you may be, there's precious little you can do to help. So I'll handle those things alone. However, she's done her best to use you against me, and it's unspeakably frustrating. I'd go so far as to say it's infuriating, so it's a matter of principle—an issue of pride and respectability—to see to it that she keeps this between me and her from now on, and leaves you out of it."
Gojyo laughed and pounded me on the back suddenly, "Hakkai, you're more like a mom than a partner."
I sort of wished he hadn't used that particularly turn of phrase. It reminded me of that look I'd seen on his face, and I blurted out, "I'm sorry I slapped you."
He hesitated, then the flippancy in his voice seemed somewhat forced. "What? Nah, no big deal. That was totally the least of my worries. In fact, I totally forgot about it."
"I know, but I'm sorry none-the-less."
"'Course you are. Hey, where's the inn anyway? I'm seriously spent."
Clearly he was done discussing the matter, likely because he didn't want me to realize how much it had honestly bothered him, so I dropped it willingly. "It's just ahead. How are you feeling? I closed the wounds easily enough, but they were quite severe."
"I'm okay."
"You should try to be careful." I told him, as sternly as I dared, "You don't want to bust them open again."
"Yeah, yeah. I'll keep it in mind, Doc."
Ahead of us the inn was in sight. I felt relieved to an absurd degree. After all, I could tell him to take it easy all day long, and it wouldn't do us much good, seeing how we were in a tight situation, with at least two major enemies about, looking to kill us, or our team, and I was definitely going to be relying on him if anything went wrong now. Never the less, it would be good to be securely inside the inn, even if I knew that being inside wasn't going to necessarily help us at all. I felt bad about Gojyo's condition, more than anything—he could definitely use the rest after fighting Jade and bleeding all day. Suddenly, I felt rather foolish for not renting a two-bed room.
"What're we gonna' do?" He asked when we'd been walking a few minutes in silence.
"As I said, we're going to go to the inn and regroup, and then we'll discuss a course of action."
"Like you don't already have an idea. Just tell me."
I shrugged, "I honestly have no idea."
That was a lie, actually. I had been thinking earlier that it was doing us very little good to continue on our own, particular since I didn't feel as if Sanzo and Goku would be faring much better than we were. It had crossed my mind that it could be better to rejoin them after all, and then at least we'd all be facing the same difficulties at the same time. The question was, could I handle making that move, or would I simply put all my team mates at risk again? It wasn't a question I could answer easily, so my mind wasn't entirely made up on the matter.
"Hn. Don't hear that very much."
I didn't want him to think I was at the end of my rope, even if I was getting very close to it, so I amended at once, "That is, I do have some idea, but I'm not exactly sure yet. When we're inside, we can talk about it." The inn was just in front of us now, lit up with warm, friendly light.
Gojyo gave me another slighting look, proof that his mood still wasn't exactly where it needed to be, "And you're not gonna' just wait 'til I crash and ditch my ass?"
"No, of course not. I wouldn't do that to you after everything that's happened in the last twenty-four hours, and I must say, I don't appreciate the unwarranted suspicion."
"Just sayin', if I wake up tomorrow and you're AWOL, I'm gonna' find you and kick your ass."
I nudged his arm, lightly, "I'm not going to leave you behind."
At the sound of those words, I thought I could see some of the tension ebb out of him, but he just nodded vaguely.
We were right in front of the inn. It was a bit ridiculous to feel so anxious about getting there, but I sincerely felt as if, once we were inside, all of our problems would be left behind, and we could just eat and sleep—in a bed for the first time in days and days—and perhaps the morning would find us a bit better off for the luxury.
Drily, I recognized that I probably wouldn't get to sleep in the bed at all. It would be immensely inconsiderate to make Gojyo sleep on the floor when he was injured, and we certainly weren't going to share the twin bed. We were close, but not that close.
"This is it." I said, as we approached the front door. "It isn't the classiest inn in town, but bear in mind, I had to rent the room out of my own pocket. At least there's a shower and a bed, and it could be that if we get our bearings tonight, tomorrow we'll be able to start taking the steps necessary to repairing the collateral damage of this sordid episode."
Instead of commenting, he stopped walking suddenly, a far-off look in his eyes. "Hey, Hakkai…"
I stopped too, trying not to feel frustrated. We were so close to security and comfort and solitude, I didn't want to stop now for anything. "Yes?"
Gojyo turned to face me, "Hakkai, I-"
Someone down the street called out suddenly, "Gojyo!"
We both whirled around immediately, looking to see who in this unfamiliar town knew Gojyo by name.
Lei was running toward us. She looked somewhat dusty, slightly battered, and extremely scared. "Gojyo! Gojyo, thank goodness!"
"Lei?"
She hit him so hard, I thought he'd fall over, flung her arms around his neck at once, burying her face in his chest.
Gojyo staggered back, clawing at my sleeve, and I steadied him out of reaction.
Then he stood there a moment, glancing from me and then back to her, face open with confusion and surprise. "Lei? What are you doing here?"
"I've been looking all over for you." She gasped, voice muffled in his bloody coat.
"Yeah...? Um, okay. I thought you went with the others…"
"I did. But I came to look for you. I-"
He tightened his grip on her shoulders, suddenly, voice and face turning slightly dark, "What happened? Is everyone okay? Don't tell me that freak burned that place down too."
"No, no, I think everyone is all right." She seemed to be hushing now. Maybe it was just her femininity succumbing to his masculine demeanor, or some like sense of security. "It's Deshi."
Gojyo was quiet for a second. I saw the way he scowled.
"Deshi left the village…all he would talk about was wanting to go with you…so when he disappeared, I thought maybe…?"
"You mean to say you think Deshi is looking for us?" I questioned.
Lei glanced at me, like I was an absolute stranger or, perhaps, a monster, "For Gojyo. Yes."
"Why would he do such a thing? I don't mean to doubt your word, Miss Lei, but…it does seem rather extreme for a child to leave the safety of home like this to look for a man he hardly knows."
Lei shuddered and turned her face back to Gojyo's chest.
Gojyo answered for her, "He'd do it. That kid…"
"You remind him of Seiji." She murmured.
"There ya' go. I remind 'im of Seiji."
While I had no idea who Seiji was, they both seemed fairly certain. "Ah. Well, unfortunately, Deshi-kun isn't with us."
I watched the way she sunk even deeper into Gojyo's arms, as if the unfortunate news was draining her strength away, and he struggled to support her. She murmured, "No. I had hoped…"
"You looked for him all over town? You're sure he left?"
She nodded, "I'm sure. I-maybe it was stupid, but I banked everything on him being with you. I don't know what to do now. I've asked around in this town a little, but…when I saw the two of you, I thought for sure you'd know where he was."
"People saw him in this town?" Gojyo asked suddenly.
"I talked with some people said they saw a kid who matched his description. I don't want to give up hope…he could be here somewhere."
Gojyo looked at me again, and I already knew which direction this was going. I said carefully, "It seems like a terribly long walk for a child; I've been in this town all day, but I haven't seen him. Still, I suppose it isn't impossible."
"I have to find him." Lei whispered, sounding as if she were on the brink of tears, "I can't go home without him. Gojyo…what should I do?"
He watched me a moment longer, and then he folded his arms around her, one bruised, blood-stained hand running through her hair, and rested his mouth against the top of her head, "We'll find him, Lei, don't worry. We'll look for him, and if he's in this town, we'll find him."
"What if he isn't?"
I interrupted calmly, "I suggest we cross that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime, we need to think strategically. It isn't too late yet, and it's not very dark, but obviously we need to find him as quickly as possible. I don't think it's good for a child to be wandering around alone at night."
"Right." Gojyo said immediately, shaking loose of Lei, gently, "Where would a kid go? The pool hall?"
I shook my head at him slightly, rethought it, and amended, "He is looking for you, after all. Well, at any rate, there's no time to lose." The three of us began to walk. "This is not a very big town, fortunately, so I don't think we should have any trouble locating him." I didn't add that I had been looking forward to going up to the inn and unwinding after the stress of the day. I knew that a child's safety was more important than my comfort.
Lei took Gojyo's hand tightly in her own, "I hope so… I can't help feeling responsible—if I'd just paid more attention to what he was telling me."
"It's not your fault." Gojyo answered, dismissively almost.
"The towns east and west of here were destroyed—by the DethBreed, I guess—I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself if he…" Her voice died away.
Gojyo looked back at me again, "The DethBreed destroyed another town?"
I said grimly, "I heard that rumor earlier today as well."
"Shit, Hakkai. What if Sanzo and Goku were…"
"It's not impossible…though I think we'd do best to remain optimistic and keep believing they're okay. It goes without saying that my healing power is of no use to them while we're separated like this."
And it was my fault that we were separated, so if anything happened to them, and I wasn't there to heal it, that would be all on me. Their blood on my hands, like the blood of so many others… The thought was almost unbearable.
My healing powers wouldn't be any good to them if I'd lost my mind either.
"Sanzo and Goku?" Lei looked between us. "But Sanzo and Goku are here."
We both stared at her.
"You mean to say they're in this town? As we speak?"
She nodded, "I ran into them several days ago, on the road. I thought they might meet you somewhere, so I stayed with them. I'm sorry, I would have said something earlier…I'm just so worried about Deshi."
I thought a moment. Sanzo and Goku had apparently survived Ryptcore without us, and now they were here—they could have been just a few streets away all day and I'd been completely oblivious to the fact. If I had known that, I would have looked for them.
It can't be helped, I suppose.
"What're we gonna' do?" Gojyo asked after a moment.
"Whatever the case may be, we need to find Deshi before we do anything else. Still, I don't think we should ignore the fact that they're so close. At the very least, we probably need to go and have a word with Sanzo."
Gojyo snorted, a clear indication that he wasn't even remotely interested in discussing anything with Sanzo. I didn't know what had transpired after I left the group, but from limited amounts of insinuation and complaints, I had gotten the impression that Gojyo was not thrilled with the way Sanzo had reacted, and that he was angrier with him than ever. I'd been hoping he'd get over that by the time I was ready to rejoin the others.
Still, there was no saying the time was right, even now. I still felt the deep-seeded, wild thrashing of violence rumbling inside me, and I was afraid that any stimulation would push me over the edge again, even with my limiter on.
I glanced at Gojyo's neck, thinking again of how rampantly I'd tried to destroy him, with such profound shame, I could hardly bear it.
Best to put that on the shelf for now. It seemed the night would turn out to be longer than I'd anticipated.
The three of us wandered the streets for a bit over an hour, inquiring about Deshi here and there, to anyone who seemed amicable. It seemed to me that he certainly was in this town somewhere. There were numerous accounts of a boy, aged at nine or ten, with bright red hair and a pair of goggles, but no one could tell us exactly where to look for him, although there were witnesses who'd seen him in the square and near the market. We searched both areas, but Deshi wasn't there anymore.
The longer we searched the more discouraged Lei began to behave. I could see that she was taking this extremely hard, and she was definitely putting all the blame on herself. Gojyo did his best to comfort her in his casual, unworried way, but I could tell he was bothered too. I wondered how much he was blaming himself.
I said out loud, "I don't think there's any particular need to be worried. If the people who came across Deshi saw him today, he's undoubtedly alive and well. We just need to exercise a little patience and not get discouraged."
Not long after that, a young man told us he had just seen a boy matching our description, a few blocks north of us, only he wasn't alone. He was with a tall, 'scary-looking' man.
The three of us all stopped to look at one another.
"Who would Deshi be hanging out with? Some random do-gooder?"
"One can only hope."
"Damn. That kid's friendly as hell—he takes to anybody."
"Oh." Lei said suddenly, as if she'd just thought of something, but I detected in her voice that she hadn't necessarily been wanting to say it out loud, "Dokugakuji-san."
Gojyo turned on her immediately, "What about him?"
"He…offered to help me look for Deshi. I can't believe I didn't tell you that. When we got into town, Sanzo and Goku went to the inn, but Dokugakuji-san said we'd find Deshi faster if we both split up and looked."
I wasn't shocked at hearing that Sanzo and Goku had gone to the inn. Sanzo certainly would have wanted nothing to do with Lei's search for Deshi, and even if Goku wanted to help, I doubted he would have left Sanzo when everything was so uncertain right now. I wondered where Kougaiji was, though I supposed he was likely waiting somewhere. He might even be helping Dokugakuji look.
We kept walking in silence.
Lei said quietly, "I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I didn't think of it."
Gojyo shrugged, "Yeah, it's not important. Don't sweat it."
"But Deshi. Do you really think he's close?" She started to jog ahead. It was getting dark now, and I could see that she was frantic.
Gojyo and I lagged behind, and he muttered, "What the hell's that guy up to anyway?"
"Up to? Dokugakuji?" While the two of them had been traveling with our party, I had expected Gojyo to act a bit friendlier to his brother, but I hadn't been surprised when he didn't either. Seeing how he'd spent most of the trip in nicotine-deprived fits, he hadn't been particularly friendly to anyone. "I think he just wants to help. Isn't that an apt enough deduction?"
Gojyo wrinkled his nose slightly, "Help who? He's been actin' weird since we ran into those guys."
"How so?"
He shrugged again, "Just some of the shit he said…it was bad for the team. That's all."
"I see. Well, where Deshi and Lei are involved at least, I think he probably just wants to help. It doesn't exactly matter why, does it?"
"Nah, guess not. Anyway, we better catch up to her, in case it isn't him." He set off at a brisk jog, breaking away from me easily.
I took a moment longer, considering what he'd said, and then I followed.
We didn't have to go very far. It was approximately three and a half blocks north that we came across the three of them. Lei was kneeling on the ground, holding Deshi tight, alternating between scolding him and professing her relief, while Dokugakuji stood over them, silently, but he looked up when we approached. "Hn. You two. I'm surprised to see you."
"We weren't expecting you either." Gojyo said casually, "You wearing a limiter? That's a new one."
"Well, I didn't have much choice."
"Gojyo!" Deshi shouted suddenly, squirming out of Lei's arms. He ran to him, throwing himself against him, just as Lei had. "I'm so happy to see you! I knew I'd find you somewhere!"
"Hey, kid." Gojyo tousled his hair and grinned. "Out for an adventure?"
"Yeah! That place was so lame! I wanted to see what you were up to! Hey, look!" he stepped back to pull something out of his belt. It appeared to be an old kama with a rusty blade and a splintery handle, "It's not really like what you got, but it's cool, huh?" He took a few preliminary swings with it.
Gojyo just laughed. "Kid, where'dya' find this crap?"
"So now I can come with you guys, right?"
"Deshi." Lei was on her feet again, shaking her head in dismay. "You-"
"Ah, c'mon, Lei, can I? Please? It's okay. Go home and tell everyone not to worry."
She frowned at him, "I didn't come all the way out here to find you just to go home without you, Deshi."
"Yeah, but I'll be all right. 'S long as I'm with Gojyo, I'll be okay. Right Gojyo?"
"Uh, I dunno', kid. What I do is pretty dangerous."
Deshi didn't seem the least bit deterred, "But I got a weapon now, so I promise not to be in the way or anything."
"You-"
"Pleeease? I just wanna' go with you! Can I?"
"Deshi." I interrupted, and I think it may have startled him, but I proceeded kindly, "It's important not to be selfish, especially at a time like this. You put Lei through a terrible amount of grief, you know. She was very worried about you."
Deshi looked at me as if that probably hadn't occurred to him before now, and he glanced back at Lei.
"I think you ought to apologize for worrying her, first of all, and then I think it's best if you continue to do whatever she tells you to do."
He didn't answer for a moment. When he did, his voice was a bit more subdued, "Hakkai-san…I just wanna' go with you guys." He grabbed onto Gojyo's wrist and looked up at him hopefully, "I can go right? You don't care, do you?"
I waited, hoping Gojyo might take it upon himself to tell Deshi no, but he didn't seem interested in doing anything of the kind, so I went on, as gently as I could, "It's out of the question, I'm afraid. We're in enough danger as it is, so it's in everyone's best interest if you go home with Lei."
Deshi was still waiting for Gojyo to say something, but I knew he probably wouldn't. Eventually, Deshi just hung his head, lowering the kama sadly.
"Now that that's settled, we ought to plan our next move, I think." I said, speaking solely to Gojyo, but the others were all looking at me intently as well. "I think I ought to have a word with Sanzo, if I can find him."
Dokugakuji spoke up, "I know where he is. I'm heading in that direction to meet Kou anyway—I can show you the place."
"Really? That would be very helpful, thank-you. Gojyo?"
Gojyo scoffed and threw his cigarette down, "Not interested, 'Kai. I'm frickin' not in the mood for Sanzo."
"I thought that might be the case. Well, it goes without saying that I'd rather not split up at this point in time, but if you want, you can take Lei and Deshi back to our inn and wait for me."
"Alright."
I handed him the room key.
"What're you gonna' say to Sanzo?"
"Mostly I'd just like to check in and be sure the two of them are doing all right. But also, I was thinking, this little detour of ours may have run its course. I may want to move on with them tomorrow."
"That's your call, man."
"Very well then. We'll discuss it in more detail when I return, shall we?"
"Heh. No way. I'm going the hell to bed when I get to the room. You decide what we should do and wake me up in the morning."
"If that's the way you want it."
"Definitely."
"In that case, I'll see you tomorrow." I added casually, "Please be careful."
"Right, right." He grinned at me, though it still wasn't as genuine as usual, "You too."
With that, he began to lead Lei and Deshi away. They hesitated to say thank-you and goodbye to Dokugakuji, and then went after Gojyo, who hadn't said a single word to his brother since commenting on the limiter.
I watched them go, feeling somewhat uneasy about the whole matter. This town seemed peaceful enough, but I didn't think that exactly mattered, considering the fact that Ryptcore had razed the last two towns we'd been in, and I felt that we were both that much more vulnerable without one another. Gojyo was injured. I was in a fragile state of mind. If something were to happen while we were apart, it would be the worst possible thing. After the events of last night, I was very reluctant to let him go without me, but I didn't want to deprive him of the rest he needed either.
In light of that, I tried not to worry about it. He'd go back to the inn, and my talk with Sanzo shouldn't take any more than an hour, which meant I'd be there as well within an hour and a half or so. By then Gojyo would be asleep. In the morning, we'd likely join Sanzo and Goku in Jeep to continue on the journey west, in spite of the difficulties we were facing. I was still reluctant to put my team mates at risk, but it was beginning to look as if my problems weren't going to simply vanish, and we'd all be better off if we were together.
At least, I thought, as I watched Gojyo disappear around the corner, I hope that's true.
Finally, I turned to Dokugakuji, who was staring after them, a strange, almost sorry look on his face.
"Well then, lead the way, if you please." I said with a smile.