Gojyo

Could this day get any longer?

It seemed like years ago since I'd woken up to Hakkai and Jade standing over me, looking at me like I was just a cut of meat, and ever since that moment, all I'd wanted was to roll over and go back to sleep. But no. I had to fight Hakkai. I had to fight Jade. I had to fuck Jade. Then I had to wrap myself up with shreds of my own clothing, and practically crawl on my hands and knees to find Hakkai, so I'd spent more than half my day in a delirium, not always sure of where I was or what I was looking for, sometimes passing out for more than an hour at a time before I could drag myself back to reality and force myself to keep moving. Looking back, I could hardly believe I made it to this town and actually found Hakkai, just for him to look at me and ask 'what took you so long?'. All of it together was almost more than I could bear, and it was never going to end. I thought when we were standing outside the inn earlier that that would be it. I'd go inside and get to sleep. Then Lei came along.

At least now we'd found Deshi. Maybe I'd finally get to crash out, and maybe Hakkai wouldn't wake me up at the crack of dawn, depending on whether or not he decided to go with Sanzo. I didn't really care about that right now. Whether we went with Sanzo or not didn't really seem like it mattered—the only difference it might make would be that all four of us would be around to deal with Ryptcore, if he showed up, but other than that, it wasn't going to solve anything.

Or maybe I was just feeling pessimistic because my day had sucked so hardcore.

Maybe… I was kind of starting to think this whole thing would never end. So far, I didn't see an end in sight, like it would all just keep going and going until it killed me.

At least if I had some sleep, maybe I'd feel better.

I took a look around, trying not to seem too nervous in front of Lei and the kid. This town was pretty quiet. Night had fallen, so it was dark, the shadows and the alley ways pitch black, nobody was around even though it wasn't that late, and the solitude was making me edgy.

Hopefully Hakkai wouldn't waste too much time talking to Sanzo. It sort of miffed me, just a little bit, that I'd spent all day trying to get to him after I almost died to save his ass, only to have him take off as soon as I found him.

You were the one who didn't wanna' go talk to Sanzo.

Who could blame me? Sleep or talk to Sanzo. Why in the hell would you pick Sanzo? Ever.

I'm so fucking tired.

Even after having my wounds healed, I just felt completely drained, from losing blood, or just being awake since two am, or something.

Lei and Deshi were walking close beside me, and Lei had one hand on my arm, the other on Deshi's shoulder, guiding him and keeping him close to her. She was biting her lip, and she looked nervous, and neither of them had said anything in a while. They probably thought I could protect them—little did they know, if anything went wrong right now, I was just going to shrivel up and die.

"Do we really have to go home?" Deshi asked suddenly.

Lei sighed, "Yes, Deshi."

"But why?"

"Because…we're hanyou. We don't belong in the outside world."

I'd never heard anybody put it out there, completely blunt, like that. I was sort of surprised she said it to the kid, not even trying to soften the blow or anything. I almost wanted to argue with her, but I didn't know what good it would do me, because as far as I knew, she was right. We didn't really belong anywhere.

Shit.

There was all that garbage about belonging again. It seemed like as long as another hanyou was around, I wasn't going to be able to ignore that kind of bullshit like I normally did. They made me think about it, even when I didn't want to.

Deshi cocked his head and looked around, and even though we were just in some dumpy, little town, he seemed like he didn't quite believe that he didn't deserve to go out and roam the bright, beautiful world, just like everybody else. "Why not?"

Lei sounded incredibly tired, "No one's going to accept us…that's all. We're better off with our own kind."

I wondered if that was true too…

It's not too late to go back with them, I guess. It's not too late to forget about the minus wave, and the revival, and the damn quest. It's not too late to go off and play house with Lei and pretend I don't know any better. Just like they all expected me to.

Deshi grabbed onto my jacket suddenly, "So are you coming back with us, Gojyo?"

I tried not to snap at him, rubbed my forehead instead, with the hand Lei wasn't hanging off of. "Nn. I don't think so, kid."

"You're not?"

"Nah."

"Why not?"

"…'Cause I don't…really…belong there…"

Deshi looked up at Lei like he was totally confused, but she just said, "That's sort of true, isn't it?"

I wasn't expecting that. I was totally expecting her to get on my case about it—I was really tired of everyone getting on my case about where I should go, and what I should do, and where I belonged—so it threw me for a total loop when she said that, and I turned to gawk at her.

"I've been thinking about some of the things your friends told me." She said quietly, "And I decided I was wrong to try to put you in a box like that…even if it was just because I wanted to be with you."

Her face flushed a little. It was super cute, and I suddenly wished I weren't so tired, because this might be my last honest chance to get down and dirty with Lei.

"I'm sorry, Gojyo."

"My friends…? The guys? What'd they say?"

Instead of answering, she said, "They actually care about you. I didn't think it was possible."

"You are talking about the guys, right?"

"I guess it makes sense though… Why would you stay with us when you've got them?"

"Sex?"

"Don't be shallow. You know I'm being serious."

"Baby, I'm nothing if not shallow." I yawned.

"Gojyo—"

Whatever she was going to say got lost when Deshi stopped, stomping his feet, like a damn brat, and shouted, "This's so stupid! It's not fair! Gojyo's like us and he's not coming back to the village! Why can't I go with him?"

We both stopped to turn back and look at him.

"It's not fair!" He screamed again.

As much alike as we looked, I knew right then that we didn't have a damn thing in common. I'd never wasted my breath bitching about how unfair it was—I'd always known no one cared.

"Deshi." Lei put on her best mom voice. "You've got to try to understand, sweetie."

"I don't understand." His eyes were starting to water, and he looked right at me, sounding sort of desperate, "All I wanna' do is go with you, Gojyo!"

"Yeah. I know." I muttered, not sure what else to tell him.

"Just say I can go! Please? Just tell Lei it's all right if I go with you!"

"It's not up to me, pal—if Lei says you can't go, you can't go."

He stared at us, defiantly, and pulled out the greatest ten-year-old line ever, "She's not my mom. I don't have to listen to her. If you say I can go, then-"

"You can't."

He gaped at me like he couldn't believe I'd said that, like he'd been completely sure that I would say yes, that it would overrule what Lei was telling him, and he'd get to bring his broken, little kama stick and follow me around the world as I fought psychotic youkai. His lips started to quiver, his voice cracked. "Why not?!"

"Because, you just can't, okay? We don't have room for you. And I can't be looking over my shoulder twenty-four-seven to make sure you keep up. I don't have time to protect you. Alright?"

Holy hell, did I say that? I glanced around just to make sure Sanzo wasn't there, speaking instead of me. We were alone, so I guess it must have been me.

I didn't mean for it all to sound that harsh, but I was tired and annoyed already, and I didn't want to hear a ten-year-old scream about how unfair life was. He didn't know the half of it.

Deshi looked totally shocked for a second, and then he looked heart broken, "B-but…Gojyo…I just wanna'…"

I tried to tone it down a little, "Listen, kiddo', I know you wanna' go, and…I wish I could say yes, but I'm not on some kinda' vacation. Where I'm goin', it's dangerous, and I got enough to worry about just looking after myself. You got it?"

He just sniffed a little.

I sighed, "Desh. Believe me. You're gonna' grow up some day, and when you do, you'll be able to go wherever you want and do whatever you want, and even if people like us don't belong in the outside world, you don't have to let that stop you. You don't have to listen to what other people think of you—you just gotta' find somebody who accepts you, and then you can be whoever you wanna' be.

"But right now, you're just a kid, and yeah, you gotta' listen to what people tell you, because they don't want anything to happen to you."

"Being a kid sucks balls." He sniffed.

I fought the urge to laugh, and said, "Naw, don't think like that. You gotta' have fun being a kid while you can." Even though I completely agreed with him. Being a kid sucked more than balls. Being helpless and worthless and unwanted and vulnerable was the worst thing in the world, and fortunately, Deshi would probably never find that out, thanks to people like Seiji and Lei and me.

With a sigh, I added, "It's just a matter of time before you grow up and have to act responsible and have all kinds of crap to worry about. That's why you gotta' have fun while you can. You got it?"

They were both looking at me. Deshi wiped his nose on his sleeve and nodded a little. I got the feeling Lei was sort of impressed with me.

Hakkai would probably be impressed too. I didn't realize I could say anything so damn grown up.

At last, Deshi asked smally, "Will I ever get to see you again?"

I grinned at him, "Well, yeah, I don't see why not. I mean maybe not really soon, but some day, yeah. We'll see each other again."

He smiled a little bit too. "Okay."

There. I'd bullshitted the fuck out of him and lied through my teeth, just to get him to calm down and stop whining. Maybe I was capable of acting like an adult after all.

"Okay. Now c'mon. Let's go back to the inn, order some room service and land some sleep."

The smile brightened just slightly, and then he took a step toward me.

I reached my hand out to him.

He started to take it.

Something that felt a lot like a small tornado rushed past my face, blowing my hair around and nearly knocking me off balance. I saw a quick, black blur and a flourish of long hair, all in a flash that my brain could barely register, and then Deshi was gone.

Not even kidding. He was standing there one second, and the next. Boom. He vanished.

Lei and me both stood there like idiots for a moment, and then we turned to look around.

Lei called, voice quivering, "Deshi?"

A freezing, familiar voice laughed, from somewhere up above us, calling out, "Aw, now look what we have here. Isn't this precious?"

"Jade…Jade, you bitch!" I had my shakujou in hand immediately, turning and turning in circles, neck craned to look up, but I didn't see her, and her voice was coming from everywhere. "Give him back!"

"All in due time, sweet heart." This time it seemed like she was right next to me.

I whirled around, fighting the urge to take a slash at her, just because I didn't want to hurt Deshi. "Where are you?!"

Lei stepped closer to me, breasts brushing against my arm. "Gojyo…"

"I see you survived anyway. I knew you would—you're so resilient."

"Jade!"

Finally, she emerged from the shadows. She was just a few feet away, swathed in black, with her eyes glowing, one arm around Deshi's neck, claws splayed and ready to rip flesh from bones. The kid's eyes were huge and full of pure terror, his skin looked totally white.

Lei gasped, started to take a step forward, but I held her back. "Let him go."

Jade just laughed, "Oh, the three of you are so adorable, just like a family. An abominable, little family. Look. We have the sweet, beautiful, young mother, the incompetent, but none-the-less brave, little daddy, and last but not least." She ran the back of her hand along Deshi's jaw, "This spirited, adventurous, pure-hearted child. It's touching."

He whimpered.

"Goddammit, Jade, just let him go!" I shouted.

Jade grinned, stuck her tongue out at me, "You know, Gojyo. They look up to you so much—they honestly believe a screw up like you can protect them—what in the world would they do…if something happened to you?"

I clenched my shakujou tighter. This day was just getting better and better; I didn't want to fight Jade again, I was too damn tired for that, but it was looking like I didn't have a choice.

"Bring it on, you fuckin' whore. If you wanna' fight, let's fight, but leave the kid out of it."

"Now, now. Who said anything about fighting?"

I glanced up and down the street as quickly as I could. They were still totally empty, which was for the best, I guess. The last thing I needed was for some well-meaning people to come along and get involved.

"Looking for him? Don't bother. He's not going to save you this time."

"Oh shut up. You think you're so damn tough, so put your money where your mouth is and let's go."

"I already told you, I'm not interested in fighting you, Gojyo. You're too easy to break."

"Then what the fuck-"

She laughed a little more, "This boy…" She ran his hair through her fingers, and he shuddered, "His hair. It's the same color as blood. Wouldn't you agree?"

My own blood ran cold at those words.

Deshi whined again.

"Don't even think about it, you fuckin' slut." I hissed, breathlessly.

Lei's fingernails were digging into my arm, leaving little, bloody marks. "Gojyo."

Everyone was whining at me. Everyone was waiting for me to save the day. Me. Gojyo. The fuck up.

"Gojyo." Deshi choked, "Help."

"Hang on, kid." I wanted to do something. I should be attacking. One well-aimed pitch of the shakujou, and I could have her head rolling across the ground, even if I was exhausted.

Except, I'd seen how strong Jade was earlier, and I knew exactly how fast she was. If I took the risk and I missed, she'd kill him, and there'd be nothing I could do about it. My mind raced as I tried to think of some way to get him out of there, but I had a horrible feeling that no matter what I did, I couldn't save him. I wasn't sure I was fast enough. One sling of the shakujou wasn't going to finish the Asahara off, and I knew it.

Jade grinned, like she knew what I was thinking, her teeth forming a brutal gash across her face. "Gojyo. I tried to warn you."

"Just don't do this, okay…"

"Or what?"

I took a deep, deep breath, "You touch one hair on that kid's head, I swear I'll tear you limb from fucking limb."

She threaded her fingers through his hair, claws and all.

The kid was shaking like a leaf, but other than that, he stayed totally still, like maybe he could tell she wanted to kill him.

"He looks like you, don't you think? But…all you abominations look alike to me."

"Fuck you. Let him go."

"All he needs are a few scars…"

"Don't-"

She kept her eyes leveled on my own as she dragged her claws down his cheek, starting under the corner of his eye and ending at his jaw, carving a pair of twin, bloody lines into his face.

I watched in horror.

Deshi started to cry, blood dripping off his chin as she dragged her nails raggedly through his skin.

It was a fucked up nightmare, popping up and dragging me back to that day, eleven years ago. Back to earlier today, when she'd ripped the scars on my face open. Deep inside, I felt a shudder, and I thought for sure I'd throw up all over my own boots.

"There, see? He could be your long, lost, little brother."

"Oh my God!" Lei cried.

"Jade, you bitch!" I started forward—to hell with it all—I was going to rip her to pieces.

"Ah-ah." Her hand was at his throat again, "One wrong move and I'll snap his neck."

Ignoring her, I kept marching, slung my sickle at her, aiming right above Deshi's head. I was too pissed off to do anything else.

Jade ducked to the side, fluidly, fading into a shadow and then back out of it, and laughed, "You just didn't want to listen, did you?"

There was a spray of blood, and Deshi screamed wildly, in pain. His crying increased too, turning from ragged sobs to loud wailing and begging.

"Gojyo!" Lei caught my arm, "Stop!"

Jade's hideous laughter rang through the alley, echoing around us, and she seemed to be fading back, her hand bathed in red.

Deshi was struggling, futilely.

"Didn't I tell you, Gojyo? There's nothing you can do!" She cried, gleefully.

I swallowed hard. What could I do? Move and she'd kill him. Wait too long, she'd kill him anyway. Now he was bleeding, and I didn't know how bad, and I didn't know if I'd be able to save him no matter what happened. I was in a lose-lose situation, and the only thing I could think to do was beg,

I licked my lips, tasting blood on them and feeling how busted open and swollen they were, remembering that she'd done this to me herself. I didn't even want to think about what she could do to Deshi. "Jade…c'mon. I get it. You wanna' dick with me and put me in my place and remind me I'm worthless, but don't punish him for it. Just…just kill me instead."

At last, she looked interested, her green eyes starting to sparkle, "You mean you'd give up your life for this brat?"

"Maybe…" I muttered. If anything, maybe she'd let her guard down and I'd get an opening.

"What about your friends?"

"What about them?"

She studied me for a second before saying, in a soft, mocking voice, "You're much more noble than I expected, mutt. It fascinates me that people like you exist in the first place. It's unnatural to be so kind-hearted."

"Say whatever you want about me—just don't kill an innocent kid for nothing."

I was appealing to any goodness she had inside her. It was the only thing I could do.

I shook free of Lei and stepped forward.

Lei gasped my name again.

I spread my arms so they could all see I was surrendering, "If you want me dead, bitch, come and kill me."

Jade watched me a moment longer before the smile came back, darker than before, "oh, mark my words, I am going to kill you, Sha Gojyo. For your impertinence. For your naivety. For your goodness. But it won't be today."

There was a loud, sickening crack, splitting through the silence and the darkness. Deshi's eyes got even wider. He thrased back and forth, screaming, blood pouring from his mouth.

"Deshi!"

Jade said calmly, "Just so there's no wondering about it later, Gojyo, this is your fault. I wouldn't have killed him if you had just listened to me and minded your own affairs."

Her hand burst suddenly through his chest, claws immerging, drenched in red, like a skeleton's hand.

He went totally limp, choking on his own blood, eyes glazing over.

His heart was in her hand, still beating.

I convulsed. Out of terror. Out of disgust. Whatever it was, I thought it would make me fall over.

"DESHI!" Lei wailed, droping to her knees, "Oh, God, no! Nooo!"

Jade ripped his heart back through him, dropped his still twitching body, disrespectfully; she lifted his small, bleeding heart to her lips and took a bite, crimson smearing across her mouth. "Mm. Tastes almost human."

"You bitch! You fucking bitch!" With nothing left to hold me back, flung the sickle at her again, the chain rattling through the air, screaming so loud my voice rang through the whole city. "You bitch—I'll kill you!"

She darted out of the way at the last second, just like I knew she would, jumped high into the air and floated there a moment. Deshi's blood was on her lips. She dropped his heat, irreverently, spoke all too calmly, "Consider this your last warning, Sha Gojyo. Next time, I'll hold your heart in my hand, Cho Hakkai, or no Cho Hakkai."

Then she vanished in a puff.

Immediately, Lei and I surged forward, ran to Deshi's side, all but collapsed there, hands falling over his face and his chest, feeling his pallid skin, shaking him, trembling fingers petting his hair, and my voice was saying, "No. No. Shit. No. God, no. Deshi! Desh? Deshi, wake up!"

Idiot. She ripped out his heart. There's no waking up from that.

It looked like he was still alive, almost. His eyes were wide open, staring at nothing. There was a fist-sized black hole in the middle of his chest, blood streaming down his shirt. I took him in my arms anyway, felt how light and withered he was, "This…this can't be…happening…" I could barely breathe. Every gulp of air was painful. My lungs felt like they'd burst. "No… No. No way. No!"

Lei staggered up next to me, fell down again. I could see that she was trembling all over. "Deshi…" She stroked his face. She petted his hair. She started to cry, wailing and sobbing and choking, "Deshi. Why? Why? Why?"

Because of me…I know it's because of me.

We were there a while. I don't know how long—maybe an hour, maybe a day. Forever, it felt like, as if we were waiting for him to wake up and smile at us and just be alive. Eventually though, I had to lay him down and close his eyes and take off my jacket and cover his body with it. I could barely believe he was gone.

The solitude pressed in all around me, making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. I felt like something inside of me was starting to shut down, and I didn't know how to stop it. After a while, I stopped talking, stopped breathing, stopped begging, and I just stared down at him in disbelief, sitting half-naked in the cold and the dark, looking down at a corpse that almost looked like my own body.

Lei kept crying. Even when I finally lifted Deshi and stood up again and started to carry him, she followed me, like a lost, little girl, crying and crying and crying, sometimes holding onto me, sometimes drifting yards behind.

I don't remember much that happened after that. We got a shovel somehow, and we took him just outside the town where I buried him in a small, unmarked grave, and when I was done, that was all I was aware of. Not the effort it took to dig it. Not the pain it caused my broken ribs. Not the blood and the dirt on my clothes and skin. Just that he was dead and it was over, and it was my fault.

We stood at his grave with the moon and the clouds drifting over us. I still felt like I couldn't breathe. It felt like I was drowning in concrete.

Lei hung off me and sobbed against my shoulder, "What am I going to do? How-how am I…going to tell everyone…he's dead…?"

"It's my fault." I said to the quiet and the dark. I was barely speaking to her. "It's because of me."

"Gojyo…no…"

I choked, "G-go ahead and say it, Lei." I shuddered. I couldn't quite hold back a sob. "This is my fault."

"Gojyo…" She put her hand on my arm, leaned her head against my shoulder, "That woman is insane, Gojyo. She-"

For the first time in my life, I pulled away from the embrace of a woman.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I walked into your town and ruined everything. I'm sorry I fucked everything up." Tears were burning my eyes, threatening to run down my face now, and I could barely hold them back.

Don't start that shit now. Not now. Don't you dare…

"She shoulda' killed me instead. I told her. I tried to. I tried, Lei."

"I know, Gojyo."

"No. No, I hesitated. Maybe if I'd done something. Maybe if I'd tried harder…maybe I coulda' saved him."

"It isn't your fault. I know you tried."

It wasn't good enough. I needed someone to bust my balls for this. I needed someone to blame me.

I turned away from her suddenly, started to walk back into town, not even saying a word to Lei

She followed me a little ways, and she tried to talk to me. She asked where I was going. She asked if I was okay. I never answered. I hardly knew what to say. It wasn't as if I had some deep, emotional connection to Deshi. But I'd gotten him killed. First I got his town destroyed, and now this. He only came out here to find me. If he hadn't, he'd still be alive. He'd be safe.

Nothing I did could make up for that. Even if I found Jade and I killed her over and over and over…nothing would make this all right.

After a while, I realized I was alone, wandering the streets of an unfamiliar town. All by myself. I couldn't remember if I lost Lei, or left her behind, or if she just walked away from me, fed up with how pathetic I was being, or if I told her to leave me alone. All I knew was alone and I was by myself, and there was no way to atone for what I'd done.

Suddenly being tired and hurt didn't matter anymore. I didn't dare go back to the inn and go to bed and try to sleep. I knew that any sleep I got would be drenched in one horrific nightmare after another.

No. There was nothing I could do this time. Nothing anywhere could drown the empty feeling in me. All I knew was, it should have been me. Jade should have taken out my heart instead.

Hakkai

This truly was an exhausting night. My encounter with Sanzo felt like the very last straw.

When I left him at the inn and went outside, Goku was standing there, humming and playing with Jeep. He looked up and smiled at me when I came out, "Hey, Hakkai."

I smiled back, because I'd missed his cheerfulness and friendliness and his care-free demeanor. "Hello, Goku. How are you?"

"Okay. How'd your talk with Sanzo go?"

"I'm not sure…" I decided not to tell him the true nature of our meeting or the disheartening way it had ended.

He was looking me up and down, "Ya' seem okay. Hey, where's Gojyo?"

"Oh, elsewhere. Probably sleeping by now, if you can believe that."

"Sleepin'? Wha? It's not even midnight."

"Yes, well, we've all had something of a long day."

"Pfft. That wuss."

I smiled at his half-hearted attempt at insulting Gojyo, because I could hear the compassion and the sympathy in his voice.

We stood face to face a while longer before he asked, "You guys gonna' come back an' travel with us again?"

"Yes…eventually. Perhaps not tomorrow though. I'm afraid I still have a few things to get in order."

Goku frowned at that. "Nn. Okay."

"What's the matter?"

"Nothin'. I just…miss ya', I guess."

"I miss you too. I apologize if this incident has caused you any…inconvenience."

"Naw. But, you're okay, right? Ya' don't seem nuts, or nothin'."

"No. I don't seem to be quite that just yet, though I can't say for sure how long that will last."

He nodded a little, and we were quiet again. After a moment, I said, "Well, I hate to be so brief, but I'd best be on my way."

"Alright. When're we gonna' see you guys again?"

"Soon. Don't worry." I rested a hand on his shoulder for a quick second, "Everything will be normal again soon."

"Ya'…really think so?"

"Mmhm. Well." I laughed a bit. "Probably."

"I hope so."

"Don't worry." I repeated. "Now, goodnight, Goku."

"'Night, Hakkai."

I felt a bit guilty as I left him, but I tried to put it out of my mind. After all, I had tried to make amends, and for whatever reason, Sanzo was being tirelessly unreasonable, which I found somewhat uncharacteristic for him. Hopefully, with a bit more time, he'd overcome those feelings in particular. I thought it was inexplicably fortunate that Ryptcore himself hadn't bothered them since my departure, since it sounded as if the two of them had been enough to handle the DethBreed, but I didn't know how long that good fortune would hold up.

As I made my way back to the inn, I was beginning to feel quite exhausted myself. This day had been impossibly long, and I wanted nothing more than for it to be over. I patted Jeep on the head and sighed, legs feeling almost like noodles, eyelids drooping. I yawned and sighed again.

Regardless of my physical fatigue, I reached the inn in record time. Gojyo was probably in bed by now, so there wouldn't even be the opportunity to argue over who got to sleep in it. Just as well. I wondered, vaguely if he'd given the bed to Lei and Deshi. It seemed like something he'd do, injured or not. Chances are, we'd both be sleeping on the floor tonight.

A woman called my name.

I hesitated, and the streets were perfectly calm, so I thought I might have imagined it.

"Hakkai-san!" It was very clear this time, desperate and shrill, straining, as if the woman were about to cry.

"Lei?" I turned to see her running up to me. Her face was streaked with dirt and tears, eyes puffy from crying.

She stopped a few feet from me, sobbing and breathing raggedly. "Hakkai-san…"

"What is it? Why aren't you inside?" I looked up at the inn. "Where's Gojyo? And Deshi?"

"Deshi. Deh-deshi…" She sounded broken, sobbing that much more fiercely. "Deshi is…dead…"

I gaped at her, eyes threatening to fall out of my head, "Dead?"

Lei continued to sob, and now I noticed the blood on her clothes and hands.

"How? How did this happen? I thought you were both with… Where's Gojyo?"

"That woman…"

"Woman?" My heart was sinking quickly.

"That woman killed him."

"Gojyo?!"

"N-no…Deshi. She killed Deshi…"

My heart hammered. "But…how? No…Why?!"

Lei shook her head, wiped some tears off her cheeks. "I…I don't know…she just did."

Jade…that crazy, maniacal…

"Lei." I gripped her shoulders, "Where. Is. Gojyo?"

I didn't mean to seem heartless in the face of Deshi's death, but…

"I don't know. I don't know. We buried Deshi…then Gojyo left…I don't know where he went. I thought he'd look for you."

"No."

"Then I don't know. He was so upset…"

She looked quite upset as well. I felt the need to comfort her somehow, but I wasn't sure what I could do in the way of that, particularly since Lei didn't like or trust me in the least.

"Maybe you should look for him." She stammered. "He-he was so upset…I don't know what he'll do…"

Gojyo…

I knew he'd do one of two things if he was honestly as upset as she seemed to think. Either he was going to run around chasing Jade and try to kill her out of anger and hate, which would probably get him killed as well. Or he was going to go drown his sorrows. It just depended on the nature of his emotional distress. Anger or sadness.

I took Lei's hand and began to pull her with me, "Please, Lei, I'm sure you're beside yourself over this tragedy, but I must know exactly what happened."

Lei bounced along behind me, struggling to keep up, and then she described the event to me between ragged sobs and moments of vocal clarity.

I listened, feeling more and more grim as the story wore on, and I even felt a bit sad as she told me of how Gojyo had finally convinced Deshi to go back with Lei; to think that he'd finally found the sense of responsibility to set the boy straight, only to witness his death moments afterward. By the time Lei was telling me about the gruesome manner in which Jade killed Deshi, she was crying again, , and my heart was racing with horror, my stomach tight and thick.

Never mind that it was an impossibly violent, disgustingly cruel way to kill anyone, let alone a child, I wondered what exactly Jade had done it for. She seemed to be growing more dangerous by the day. Perhaps I shouldn't have waited so long to try to eliminate her.

When the story was over, Lei continued to cry for a while, and I kept her hand in my own, leading her up and down the streets. Then, when she finally composed herself and was quiet again, she asked me, "D-do you know where he might be?"

I nodded without a word.

"He's not…I mean, he wouldn't try to find that woman and avenge Deshi. Not by himself…right?"

"It's possible. But I don't think that's what he's doing."

Gojyo told me he was tired of things going wrong. If he was as physically exhausted as he'd acted, and as emotionally drained as one would expect to be after the events of the previous night added to the events of this, Gojyo would likely resort back to something he knew would numb the pain rather than go out and try to fix the problem. Tomorrow, he might hunt for revenge—he might even leave me behind to do it—but tonight, he'd look for something that would distract or soothe him. He'd left Lei, so that distraction probably wouldn't be the arms of a woman.

That only left one other thing.

I hunted through every bar in town; there weren't many that were open, likely because the villagers were said to be evacuating all together, so it didn't take very long before I happened upon him. It was one of the smaller bars, toward the center of the town. I stopped to look through the window.

The place was darker than most bars, as if some of the lights had burnt out and no one had bothered fixing them, and there were only a few people inside, at the bar, or gathered around a card table or a game of pool.

Gojyo was at the bar, as far from the door and the other patrons as possible, seemingly buried in the shadows and a plume of cigarette smoke, his coat splotched with patches of dusky-brown, dried blood.

Unspeakably relieved, I sighed and proceeded inside, paused to turn to Lei, "You may as well make yourself comfortable, Miss Lei. This could take a while."

She nodded, but she was looking across the room, toward him, her tear-stained face soft with compassion. I felt bad about everything that had happened, so I said, "I'm not sure what good it will do me to say this, but I am terribly sorry for everything that has happened to you, your village, and your people, and especially for the part I've played in all of it."

"It's all right, Hakkai-san. It's not your fault…" She murmured. She dropped my hand lightly and then walked over to sit down at a table, by herself.

With a deep breath, I turned, observed Gojyo at a distance, and then approached, having no idea how I should go about addressing him. It would be a matter of assessing the situation as quickly as possible, and then acting accordingly.

I came up beside him, close enough that our shoulders were brushing, but he didn't so much as look at me.

I studied him.

His face was blank, eyes semi-glazed, staring across the room at the selection of alcohol, though it was clear he wasn't considering them at all. The cigarette hanging out of his mouth had burned down almost to the filter. He looked as if he were in a completely separate world. There was a shot glass in front of him, along with a bottle that was already a quarter of the way gone.

"Gojyo?"

He still didn't so much as glance at me.

"Gojyo."

From the look of things, he wasn't even blinking. It was like he'd completely launched out into the atmosphere.

At last, I laid my hand on his shoulder, "Gojyo."

"What?" He practically growled, taking the stub of his cigarette indelicately between his first to fingers and grinding it out on the bar.

"Hey!" The bartender cried, coming toward us. He was a tall, portly man with a red face. "How many times I gotta' tell ya', kid? Don't be doing that! There's a perfectly good ash tray right there."

Gojyo didn't seem to hear him any better than he'd heard me.

The bartender looked at him, expectantly, as if Gojyo were going to react, eventually, and then he snorted and turned to me, "Hell, it ain't as if I'm gonna' kick a paying customer out at this point. Business is too bad. Hey, you here for him?"

"In a manner of speaking, yes."

"Well, good! Glad somebody came for the guy. He's drinkin' like he wants ta' go to an early grave. Oy. Kiddo." He leaned over to rest a heavy hand on Gojyo's other shoulder, "You oughta' go home with your friend, 'kay? Last drink's on the house."

Gojyo didn't respond. He didn't even flinch at being touched.

The bartender looked at him for a second, and then he shrugged at me, "Can I get you anything, kid?"

"No thank-you, sir. I'd like to speak to my friend alone, if you don't mind."

He shrugged again and marched back the way he'd come, mumbling about needing to find a new line of work.

I sighed and looked at Gojyo again, thinking he might say something, even though it came as no surprise that he didn't.

"What are you doing?" I asked, eventually. "I thought you were going back to the inn with Lei?"

At last, his eyes flickered, as if what I'd said had stirred him back to reality, out of an odd, horrific dream.

"Honestly, I know you're frustrated, but I'd expect a bit more out of you than this. There's no time for a drink; I'm falling to pieces, and you're here, intoxicated. It's shameless."

"Sorry, man…I just…"

I waited, wondering how hard I would have to prod him in order to hear him admit the truth out loud.

"In any case…you don't look well. In fact, it seems as though you-"

"Deshi's dead, Hakkai."

I watched his face a moment longer, still waiting for any sort of emotional response, but there was nothing, and his words, though a little slurred from liquor consumption, were very cold.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Deshi's dead—Jade killed him. I killed him."

"You? But… I'm sorry, but what in the world did you have to do with it?"

He sat very still for a long, long time, and then, suddenly, he came to life. His eyes burned with fury and guilt, and he suddenly grabbed the shot glass that had been in front of him for goodness knows how long, gulped it down and slammed the glass back onto the bar so ferociously I thought he'd break it. He raked both hands through his hair, miserably, rested his forehead on his palms, and the words fell from his mouth, one after another, harshly, blurry, but steeped in rage. "Because. Because I was there. Because I couldn't save him. Because I walked into that village in the first place. Because I couldn't keep Ryptcore from destroying it. It's gone now. Totally gone. And so's Deshi."

"But Gojyo-"

"Don't tell me it's not my fault, man! That isn't what I wanna' here! Tell me the truth! Tell me I fucked up! Tell me I'm irresponsible an' immature an' stupid and selfish and insensitive and negligent, like you always do!"

I softened my voice a touch, "Do you honestly expect me to say such things to you? Now? What sort of friend would I be?"

"Hakkai." He turned suddenly, grabbing me by the collar, voice desperate "Please… Jade said she did it because of me."

I looked into his eyes, seeing all the agony burning inside them, and I got a suddenly profound sense of just how close he was to falling apart over the events of this past week, and how he was looking to me to punish him for what he inevitably viewed as failure and inadequacy.

"Then I don't think you need to hear it again."

"But it's true. It's true. It's my fault…all of it."

"Not necessarily."

"Necessarily! Ever since I walked into that town, I caused those people nothing but trouble. Do ya' really think that bitch woulda' killed 'im if it weren't for me? That whole pathetic place would still be standing!"

He seemed to be on the verge of a breakdown. After all, I thought he'd been keeping himself fairly composed throughout the episode with the other hanyou and the fact that they were dying right and left, all around him. Perhaps Deshi being brutally murdered was just the last thing he could bear before it all became too heavy for him. After all, it wasn't like Gojyo to become so emotional so suddenly.

"All right then." I said slowly. "So what if it is your fault?"

"'So what?' Are you completely heartless?!"

"Gojyo." My voice turned very firm, though I made sure not to raise it. "Listen to me. Let's say for sake of argument, it is your fault? What are you going to do? What can you do?"

He was quiet. His brow wrinkled, and he looked at me, desperately almost, as if expecting me to tell him what he could do.

It never ceased to amaze me how much stock he put into what I had to say at times.

"You have only a handful of options. You must be well aware of them yourself, since, as it is for everyone, when something goes so horribly wrong that it feels as if it can't be fixed, you have the option to try to fix it. That's the adult response: do what you can, and make peace with it. Or. Sit here and drink until you can't remember what went wrong to begin with. That's the childish response. That's what determines if you're irresponsible and immature and foolish and negligent. Not me."

Gojyo laughed suddenly, and bitterly, "Then I am all of the above." He poured another shot, "Bottom's up." He downed it as swiftly as the other, slammed the glass down just as hard, "I'm done with this journey."

Well, I'd given him my best, but to no avail. That meant I'd have to switch tactics a bit.

"No." I pulled myself up onto the stool beside his—it felt so good to sit down after my long, trying day—and leaned closer to him, "No, you're not. You're not the same man you were when I met you four years ago. Perhaps it is true that you never quite grew up, but you've grown and changed a lot since I've known you, and I can't take all the credit for that. You're a fighter, Goj, and you're not a quitter or a runner or a flake, and I have never seen you fall so hard that you couldn't pick yourself up."

Gojyo seemed to choke. "Not…this time, 'Kai…I…"

"You're only blaming yourself because you're not sure what else you can do, but I know you, and I know that I can't doubt what's in your heart. I can't even think for an instant that you're going to leave things this way. That isn't the Gojyo I know."

He was silent for a very long time, and he wouldn't look at me. Then he mumbled, "Ya' really believe that shit?"

"Of course I do. When have I ever lied to you?"

"Never." He rested his forehead on the heel of his hand, "You're always so brutally honest…. It's a pain in the ass, but. I guess I sorta' like that about ya'. Still…nn…I dunno', man…Sanzo said I'm not gonna' be happy until all the other hanyou are dead."

I frowned to myself, a bit unhappy to learn Sanzo had said that to him.

"Maybe he was right…"

"I'm quite certain that's utter rubbish, Gojyo. You didn't get any of those people killed on purpose—you did everything in your power to protect them—and what's more, they didn't die because of you."

Gojyo just shook his head, "I probably coulda' done more…"

"You." I couldn't hold back a chuckle, even though I knew how inappropriately placed it was. And then I shook my head. "Oh, you."

"What?"

"If I'm at fault for apologizing too frequently and being unable to forgive myself, perhaps you're guilty of constantly shouldering the blame for things that weren't your fault to begin with."

Gojyo shifted slightly, "Maybe…"

"I don't think it's a bad quality to have, really…though I think it can be quite detrimental to your own sense of self."

He looked back at me, miserably, and some part of me half-expected him to burst into tears, although I'd never see him do that before.

The expression filled me with affection and compassion and a deep, deep sense of regret.

I laid my hand on his shoulder again, almost whispering, "Now listen. You can sit here and keep getting drunk, if that's what you want, and I won't try to stop you, but I will remind you of the dangerous circumstances we find ourselves in, and of the fact that neither of us can afford to be incapacitated anymore than we are already. I think it would best if we return to the inn and try to get some sleep before it gets too terribly late."

"What about Jade?"

I didn't answer at first. I'd been sort of hoping he wouldn't mention that to me.

"We can't let her get away with it…right?"

"Gojyo, when the time is right, you'll have your chance to pay Jade back for all that she's done. I promise."

He seemed to consider that a moment, and then he nodded, like it was good enough for him, and got up, digging into his pocket to produce the money he needed to pay for his drinks. "Fine. I can live with that."

"I'm glad."

From there, he even led the way to the door, where Lei met us.

She moved in close to him, laying a hand on his chest and searching his eyes, sadly, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He wrapped his arms around her shoulders unhesitant and uninhibited, "I'm cool. How're you doing?"

"I'll be all right, I guess."

"…Sorry, babe."

They embraced for a brief moment, in which she again buried her face against him and trembled a little, as if she would start crying again, and then, when they pulled away, we began to walk back out into the night and down the street.

I watched them as they went ahead of me, noting how tired and sad Gojyo seemed. The swagger seemed almost completely gone from his step, and his head was hung a bit, with hair falling in his face. He looked stiff.

Still, his emotional fortitude was considerable. He'd had his own outburst at the bar, but I hadn't needed to resort to slapping him out of it—as usual, a few firm words sufficed to calm him—and now he was carrying on, like a man, even comforting Lei as they went along together. Never the less, I'd be foolish to believe everything was going to be okay.

Yes, this had been the last thing he could handle, I was sure. Ever since Jade first appeared, it seemed I'd been putting everything on him, simply because I could. Because he would let me, and he'd carry my baggage with his own, not complaining about it, as he usually did, when I put something of that nature to him. But when we'd discovered the half-blood village, his own burdens had been increased a considerable amount, and I'd simply stood back and watched him stumble under the weight of it all, because I couldn't bear to face the animal within myself, and because I was afraid that if I did, I would fail and lose my sanity. He'd been carrying my problems still, even through his broken ribs and his nicotine fits and his guilt over what had become of the other hybrids, as well as sharing in the burden of having Ryptcore looming over us, just as all of us were. I'd been relying on him far too much, and I hadn't been there for him in return. Gojyo wasn't the type to resent me for that, but my own guilt was immeasurable, because my actions were directly responsible for the way he was now, and for the fact that, if something else were to happen—perhaps to Lei, or to his brother, or the team—Gojyo probably wouldn't be able to deal with it.

A person could only take so much emotional strain.

That meant I had better brace up and start bearing some of my own difficulties on by my own strength, rather than bemoaning my circumstances and trying to push them off on someone I thought was better-suited to handling them.

Of course, it could be too late. He might already be far too strained for it to make any difference what I did…but, even if that was the case, at least if I stepped up to the proverbial plate, like I should have in the first place, when everything finally came crashing down around us, then I might be able to keep it all from destroying him.

That could be potentially true for Sanzo and Goku as well. My actions could be single-handedly responsible for what became of the team from here on out, and I wouldn't be able to come to terms with that, supposing something went wrong.

Gojyo's emotional strength made me feel somewhat foolish and pathetic. But, I suppose it always had…

I slipped up beside him, casually hooking my arm around his neck, much like he normally did to me, but I was careful not to lean on him.

Gojyo turned to me, looking somewhat confused. "Hey, man."

I smiled contritely, "It's been a long day, hasn't it? Tomorrow, I think we may as well sleep in."

He seemed hesitant, like he couldn't quite believe I meant that. "What about Sanzo and Goku?"
"Ah, Sanzo was rather uncooperative. He doesn't seem to want me around at the moment, and I can't see any reason why we should push ourselves as long as he's not around to demand that we do. If nothing else, we can always catch up to them in Jeep."

"All right, if that's what you want." His tone was still careful.

I turned my eyes to the sky, "Tomorrow…I think everything will be better. Somehow."

His voice seemed almost to ache from the exhaustion and the pain, "Damn, I hope you're right, man."