Bear with me. Just trying to wrap this up neatly. =)

Sanzo

'…if you get yourself killed, I'm dumping you in a shallow grave and moving on…'

I think that was the last thing I said to him before he went out and got his own entrails handed to him. I wished I could have thought of something more to say after that, and I even regretted that I'd suppressed my sudden urge to take those words back, because now it looked like I might actually have to do that.

We were miles off course, Hakkai's chi was on fire, Goku was freaking out, the girl was in the way, and that selfish bastard was dying. It was possibly the most annoying situation I'd ever experienced.

Hakkai's town was less than an hour's drive south of where we were—never mind that he'd driven like a bat out of hell the whole way—and that stupid, selfish, mouthy dumb ass had actually survived the trip. Sometimes, he was conscious, which was strangely disturbing, because he sat up and made jokes about how much pain he was in, and how much blood he was losing, and how if he ever wanted to get fucked again he'd have to find a necrophiliac, and he talked to all of us like everything was normal, except that the things he said were incoherent and feverish, and mostly he just rambled about nonsense until Hakkai told him to shut the fuck up.

It drove me just about crazy, but it was better than the long, eerie silence we sat through for most of the drive, while he was unconscious. The anxiety around me was almost palpable, and it made me feel even crazier than his idiotic, delirious rambling.

We made it to the town, and we found a doctor, but long before we reached the inn, I noticed that Hakkai's youkai aura had not relaxed, not even a little. In fact, it seemed much, much worse now, like a rubber band about to snap, and from the wildness I could see in his eyes, I guessed that this was the last straw. If dumb ass didn't make it out of this alive, Hakkai was going to go berserk anyway, and Goku and me would be screwed.

Even if Hakkai didn't go berserk, I might be screwed. Going on without stupid, annoying Gojyo shouldn't be hard…but I knew better than to think it wouldn't be. I knew better than to think that his dying would be any less detrimental to our fragile, little team than Hakkai or Goku going berserk would.

When we pulled into town, I didn't feel very relieved. It was a small, shabby village, the houses little better than huts, and there was only one crappy, tiny inn. Everyone we saw looked scared and hungry and dirt poor, like we were supposed to either feed them or end their miserable lives. We checked into the inn, where the grubby, beady-eyed landlord charged us a fortune for one filthy, cramped room furnished with just one bed, a table, and an armchair with tattered upholstery. Hakkai carried Gojyo up the stairs to the room, on his back, and I overheard part of the bizarre, conversation they were having.

"Dude… Think there're any good-lookin' chicks in this town…?"

"I doubt it." Hakkai's words were very terse and his voice was pitched with worry.

"Fuck… What'dya' bring me here for? I don't wanna' die in a place without chicks."

"Precisely why we're here: there's no alcohol, cigarettes or women, meaning it's not a good place for Sha Gojyo to die in at all—so you'd better stay alive."

"Idunno', man… I think…maybe I'm done…"

"Not if I have anything to say about it."

Goku went to get the doctor, Lei went to ask for extra bedding, and I stood to the side of the room, smoking one cigarette after another, trying my best not to look anxious.

So what if something happens to him? So what?

So then the mission would be over.

Lei came back and piled the extra blankets and pillows up on the table, but it felt like forever before Goku brought the doctor, a tall, middle-aged man who looked extremely tired. The first thing he told us was that, due to financial strain, his practice was rough, and his tools were limited, but that he'd earned a degree somewhere, so he knew what he was doing, and he'd try his best, even though the wounds were, according to him, 'probably fatal.'

Goku slunk over and practically hid behind me as the doctor went to work. His practice obviously was really rough. I didn't see him using any sedatives or anesthetic, and his scalpels and needles looked about as shabby as the rest of this town. In a matter of minutes, he was up to his elbows in Gojyo's blood, and the kappa must have either been half-asleep, or just totally delirious, because he was fighting and screaming and cursing, and even begging at times.

My stomach was twisted into knots, and I felt Goku clinging to my sleeve.

Hakkai whispered suddenly, fist closed over his mouth, "I apologize, everyone. I'm afraid…I can't handle this…"

Before I could even think to stop him, he'd turned away and made his exit, and I watched him go, totally shocked that he would just walk out on us like that. "Bastard…" There was nothing I could do though. I was frozen in place, and I didn't want to leave Goku to watch this by himself, and I didn't know if Hakkai was going to listen to anything I had to say. I'd sensed his panic rising steadily since we got in the Jeep, along with his youkai energy, and now he might be on the verge of breaking down all together.

Time wore by slowly, and I started to feel like we'd been there forever. The doctor worked and worked until blood was dripping off his hands and sweat was running off his forehead, but he was tireless and determined. Gojyo went through bouts of kicking and screaming, fighting something in his sleep—his strength was really drained, I could see the weakness in his every movement—clutching at the bedding and cursing, and then, after a while, he'd calm down again, or pass out, or whatever, and he'd lie still for the most part, tossing his head back and forth a little more slowly, like he was just having a weird dream.

I tried very hard not to let any of it rattle my composure, smoking cigarette after cigarette and staying still, and for the most part, I was doing a good job of keeping calm, but I couldn't deny that watching him struggle between life and death was a huge strain on me. After everything we'd all been through in the last couple of weeks, it seemed like this had to be the very last thing we could take—the breaking point—and when morale was already so low, and everyone was already so tired, I had sincere doubts about whether or not my team mates would be strong enough to make it through Gojyo's death. I knew I would be okay. I had set myself up to be okay, always being sure I didn't let anything matter that much. I would be fine.

Then I would just have to spend all my free time holding everyone else up and forcing them to keep marching toward India.

I still didn't want to think that idiot dying would make any difference to the journey. I wondered how long I could tell myself that.

"Sanzo…" Goku murmured beside me, nudging at me.

"He's not going to die." I said automatically.

He was quiet. Maybe he didn't believe me, or maybe that wasn't what he was going to ask. I thought it didn't matter what he wanted in the first place.

After a long time, it occurred to me to look at the time, and I realized we'd only been standing there a couple of minutes since Hakkai left.

Across the room, there was more shouting, even more violent than before. I raised my eyes just in time to see Gojyo clock the doctor in the face. After fighting with and around him for so long, I knew a good, strong punch from a weak one, and this strike was definitely weak, but it was enough to have the doctor falling back, fighting to keep upright. He swore and adjusted his glasses, turned to us with an agitated expression and a bleeding nose, "Are both of you going to keep standing over there like this is some kind of quarantine?"

Neither of us answered at first. It took me a moment to realize he was talking to us at all. "What do you expect us to do?" I sneered.

The doctor seemed incredulous at that, "He's your friend, isn't he? I could use a hand."

I barely kept myself from blurting out 'that asshole's not my friend', but he could probably see it on my face anyway.

His expression turned pleading at once, "If you please."

Goku tugged at my sleeve and said smally, "Sanzo…?"

I looked down at him, reluctantly, already knowing what kind of expression he would be wearing.

Just like I'd thought, his golden eyes were huge, innocent and terrified, begging me to do something, without saying a word.

"Dammit." I stomped my cigarette out on the floor and moved to the bedside, angry that I had to be the one to do this. That idiot Hakkai should have been here. He had to go and freak out on us and leave.

Can you blame him?

Gojyo looked even worse now in the darkness of the room. He seemed even thinner than usual, like he was going to wither away in front of me, the blood on him looked black. The bandages reeked of antiseptics. The whole situation felt like death.

Beside me, Goku was muttering something, either to me or himself. I didn't have time to worry about what it was he was saying.

"Hold him down." The doctor ordered, getting back to work.

I did it without even thinking about it. The only thing I could think was that I was going to get that idiot's blood on my robes. Goku stayed right next to me, but I got the sense he was too freaked out to help. He probably thought Gojyo was going to die.

I'm not that lucky.

For a second, as I was holding his shoulders in place, the bastard opened his eyes, but they were just slivers of darkness, all the color and life and spirit gone from them. It was a dead man's look, and it made my heart feel cold. I got the urge to smack him, like a good fist in the face was all he needed to snap out of this, and then, suddenly, I couldn't move. I don't know why. It was infuriating, being frozen like that, looking into his dead eyes, feeling his limp body beneath me, with the sight and smell of his blood covering everything within spitting distance. Anger set in, and I wasn't sure where it came from or what to do with it. I think I was angry knowing that someone had done this, on purpose. I was angry that the bitch didn't just kill him quickly and put him out of his misery. It made me angry that he'd done this to himself, in a way, like an idiot, for the team and for Hakkai and for me. I didn't ask for that kind of dumb, blind loyalty. What made me the angriest though, was that I had been stupid enough to let this happen, and I had been stupid enough to let it matter, and the ramifications of it all were blindsiding me out of nowhere.

The helplessness came in right after the rage, and it was even worse, knowing there was nothing I could do for him short of putting a bullet in his head and ending his misery, knowing that even that wouldn't fix anything, knowing how impossible it was to do that in the first place, but not because I didn't have the gun or the bullets. Because I just couldn't. Because the day I shot Gojyo and rid myself of his idiocy forever, it was going to be for a damn good reason. It was going to be a justifiable punishment. It was going to be everything the dumb ass deserved.

I couldn't shoot him right now, like a horse with a broken leg. I couldn't save him. It wasn't my responsibility to. I'd purposely tried to surround myself with things I didn't need to look after.

Stupid. Anything mortal will need to be tended to at some point or another.

As we stared at each other, all I wanted to was to close my eyes and shut this out, but I couldn't do that either. I really couldn't do anything.

After a couple of seconds, I realized he was saying something. I had to lean closer and strain to hear, and I couldn't keep the rage out of my tone, or prevent the helplessness from turning my voice soft as ash, "What?"

"…where th' hell's Hakkai…?"

I didn't know how to tell him where Hakkai went or that he'd just walked away like that, because he 'couldn't handle it'.

"Shut up." I hissed instead.

For a while, everything was quiet again. The doctor kept working, and then Gojyo went back to screaming and cursing and kicking, and it was all I could do to hold him down. The exertion seemed like it was making things worse.

Brilliant, Sanzo.

Gojyo strained against me with what seemed to be all his might, threw his head back and screamed so loud it hurt my ears. Goku grasped at my robe. It was all so unbearable.

Why am I the one having to do this?

"Almost through, I promise." The doctor said, as if it made any difference. We'd been here for a lifetime already, so I didn't believe we'd be done any time soon.

Gojyo threw his head forward, suddenly, and this time I saw a dull flash in his eyes. He gripped the front of my robes, albeit, feebly, but with stubbornness and determination. I couldn't help marveling over the fact that he was still alive, let alone conscious. "Sanzo." He grated out. His teeth were clenched and just as bloody as the rest of him, "Where…the fuck's…Hakkai?"

I still couldn't say anything to him. What was I supposed to tell him? 'He ran out on you, so get over it'? I didn't understand what difference it made if Hakkai was around or not—he couldn't do anything to help any more than the rest of us could.

You don't actually think that, and you know it.

Those pervasive thoughts were beginning to really annoy me.

In the end, it made sense that asshole Gojyo would rather have Hakkai with him on his deathbed than me. It's not like we were friends.

He's not going to die.

I let go of him suddenly, moved away from him just as unconsciously as I'd move to him.
Goku called after me, "Sanzo, where're ya' goin'? Sanzo."

I didn't have time to think about how scared he sounded; Then I was out of the room. I was in the hall. I was going to find that other idiot if it took all night.

I didn't have to look very hard. He was in the hall, sitting a few doors down from us, his head in his hands. His youkai energy was flooding everything, like a rabid monster rattling its cage.

Angrier than ever, I went and stood over him, and now, finally, I had someone to take my frustration out on. "What the fuck are you doing?"

He wouldn't look up at me. "Nothing."

"Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it?" I snorted, "You think you can get out of this scott free because you're upset. Why don't you stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your ass back in here?"

That was all it took to make him snap. He shoved the hair out of his eyes and glared up at me, furiously, and in his expression I caught just a glimpse of that monster. "It's not myself I'm feeling bad for!"

"Yes. It is. You're always losing it and acting pathetic any time you feel like something's your fault."

Immediately, he was on his feet, "You can't say that to me, Sanzo! You have no idea!"

"It doesn't matter who's fault it is, Hakkai!" I shouted back at him, "And that bastard doesn't need your pity—it isn't doing him a damn bit of good from all the way out here anyway—so quit this pathetic scene and-"

"Enough! What did you come out here for? To tell me how pathetic I'm being? Or is it to remind me of what a worthless excuse for a friend I've been lately?"

"Stoppit!" I barely stopped myself from punching him. "I am so sick of the way you've been acting—stop being such a martyr and make yourself useful! That asshole is asking for you, and you're sitting out here, moping around like a whiny teenager! You tell me if that makes you a shitty friend or not!"

Hakkai stopped whatever he was about to say and stared at me a moment, and then his voice was a little quieter. "He's…?"

"Asking for you. That's what I said. Dammit, Hakkai, maybe it's your fault, maybe it isn't. Who really gives a damn? That stupid bastard walked into a fight he knew he couldn't win because he didn't want you taking your limiter off again. It's worse than pathetic. It's disgusting. But the least you could do is come in here and hold him down and tell him everything's going to be okay, even if it's just so I don't have to do it!"

That was all I could take.

Cursing, I turned and punched the wall, hard—as hard as I could really—because I was so tired and everything had been out of my control for so long, and dammit, I couldn't keep myself from feeling this way, no matter how much I wanted to. Pain sped up my arm, and I knew I'd bruised my hand pretty bad. My first knuckle was broken open.

Hakkai was staring at me, but he didn't speak.

I began again, spitting every word out, harshly, talking quickly, hoping that if I blurred through the words, he wouldn't be able to make sense of them exactly, and I might be able to just forget them, "Who do you think you are to act like you're the only one this matters to? Where do you get off, thinking you can just run away and make the rest of us deal with it? What about Goku? Don't you think he's just as scared as you are right now? Don't you think that stupid monkey needs to see us being strong right now—if Gojyo goes, who's he going to turn to? Us, Hakkai. Both of us. What about Gojyo, for shit's sake? Why don't you go tell him why you just took off? Tell him you can't handle it and see what he thinks.

"We're all on a team here, you ingrate, like it or not—I know I hate it—that's the way it is, and you don't get the luxury of just walking out on your team mates because you don't think you can handle it. You think the rest of us like it any more than you do? Shit. Hakkai, I don't want that asshole to die either!"

Hakkai's mouth was hanging open, "Sanzo…"

I still wasn't sure it was enough, so I played my trump card, even knowing it was a little bit cruel, "He wouldn't walk out on you, would he?"

Hakkai's gaze shifted away from me, slowly, back toward the room, where the screaming had finally settled down. "Not if I begged him to."

"So get your ass back in here." Even my voice was a little quieter now. I didn't know if I'd gotten through to him or not, but if I hadn't, I was going to hit him next.

Gradually, he moved in that direction, and I followed him, but I didn't feel relieved like I should have. I still felt anxious, and I'd probably keep feeling that way until he either died or pulled through.

Gruffly, I added, "In case you need any more incentive, you should try to keep your emotions under control right now—your youkai energy is still on fire."

He barely glanced at me, and we entered the room together.

The smell of death was still clotting the air in the room, but it was quiet at least. Gojyo was lying still with Goku sitting next to him, while the doctor was packing his things. He looked up at us as we came in, and I was fairly certain I knew what he thought of us for leaving so abruptly.

Hakkai drew a sharp breath, "Did he…? I mean, is he…okay?"

The doctor sounded almost confused as he answered, "Okay? Well, no, I wouldn't say he's okay, precisely. He's alive, if that's what you mean."

Not answering Hakkai went to stand at the side of the bed, staring down at Gojyo.

"It's hard to say if he's going to pull through or not—I'm sorry I don't have better news—unfortunately, I don't have so much as a sedative to help him sleep, so he's just going to have to pull through the night on his own."

"We're grateful for all your help." Hakkai said, like he was in a dream. "Tell me…did he lose too much blood?"

"I don't know. He certainly lost a lot. None of his major arteries were damaged, believe it or not."

"Of course not." His voice was even quieter. I saw him clench his fists, and for a split second, his youkai energy seemed stronger than ever, "She wouldn't have wanted him to die quickly, by any means."

The doctor gave him an odd look, glanced around the room at us all, in turn, "Well, he has enough support it looks like—he may make it after all, if he's a fighter. You can't give up hope, boys."

"He'sa' fighter!" Goku blurted suddenly, "He could make it, right? He might not die, yeah?" For some reason, he turned to look at me, "Cockroach, right, Sanzo? Cockroaches….are hard ta' kill…"

"You really…have to stomp hard on them…" Hakkai whispered, looking like he could fall down at any given moment.

The doctor stood up, laying a hand on Goku's shoulder, "You have the right attitude, my boy. I'll be back later, to follow up on this, so in the meantime, don't lose that spirit. Your friend needs all the optimism he can get."

Next, his eyes met mine, and I grumbled, "Let me guess. Your fee?"

"I never accept payment before I've succeeded. We'll see how he's looking tomorrow, and then we'll discuss the fee." He bowed a little, "Good day, sir priest." Then he was on his way.

When he was gone, the three of us were quiet for a long time, and nobody moved. Eventually, Goku leaned over Gojyo and hissed, "Is'e awake?"

Neither of us knew, so neither of us answered.

"You guys think he's gonna' make it?"

"We don't know, Goku." I sighed. "We have to wait and see how he is tomorrow."

The monkey sat there, looking unhappy.

After more silence had endured, Hakkai murmured, "I…could have done more. I apologize. I should have tried harder."

"You did everything you could." I answered, impatiently.

"If I'd been able to heal him…at least we wouldn't be here…like this."

"But you couldn't. Jade wouldn't let you, and his wounds are too severe."

"Too severe? Yes…I think you're right, Sanzo. If only I were a bit stronger. If only my power didn't have such strict limitations…" He reached up and touched his ear.

My heart seized up immediately, "Don't even think about it, Hakkai."

"Sanzo… Without my limiter, I might be able to help him."

"You might be able to. Or you might just go crazy kill him."

"Perhaps not. This is a fairly docile setting, so I may be able to keep my composure long enough."

"Enough." I snarled, stomping over to grab his wrist, "What did I just tell you about your youkai energy? The last thing you need right now is to take your limiters off, so just get the idea out of your mind, understand?"

Hakkai looked at me, defiantly, "If it's to be my sanity or his life, don't you think-"

"No. I do not. For one thing, you're worth two Gojyo's to me, and if I have to keep going to India with only one of you, I'd much rather it be you. Besides that, he wouldn't want you to do that, especially since he only got this way to keep you from taking your limiters off in the first place. Now for the last time, calm down."

"I owe it to him to at least try."

"You don't owe him that. It's about time you got a hold of yourself, don't you think? Taking your limiter off now will not help Gojyo; the three of us have done everything we can to save him, and now the rest is all on him. The only thing you can do is sit down, shut up and just be there for him, whether he lives or not. Can you accept that, Hakkai?"

"I'm…not sure I can."

"What did I tell you about holding nothing?"

"I'm afraid I'm not much of a Buddhist, Sanzo. I never have been."

"I don't give a shit if you're Buddhist or not. What I'm telling you is that Sha Gojyo might not be here tomorrow, and you've got to be ready to deal with that. After all, it's noble to stand around and say you'd give up your life for his in a second, but it's stupid, because it's impossible. You need to decide right now if you can live without him or not, and you need to decide what kind of quality of life that would be—that's just reality, Hakkai."

His shoulders slumped, "Yes…you're right. I know you're right… I only wish that somehow I could have…."

He trailed away, and Goku spoke up again, stronger this time, "Cut it out, guys! Gojyo's gonna' make it."

I glanced at him. His face was confident, his eyes burning in the dim light, and he looked like he could cry, but it didn't seem like he was going to.

"Goku. What I just said to Hakkai applies to you too."

"No way. I ain't gonna' accept this, 'cause I know he wouldn't. I mean, just lookit this place! It's like ya' said, Hakkai—this ain't the kinda' place he'd wanna' die in!"

Hakkai blinked slowly, like he was waking up, "Well…that is true. This is not a good place for Sha Gojyo to die, at all."

"Yeah! Right, Sanzo?"

I just snorted. I could tell them it didn't make any difference what this place was like, but what was the point?

"Besides! Is Gojyo really gonna' let himself be beat by a girl? I don't think so!"

This time, Hakkai went so far as to laugh, "I should think that would be a touch unacceptable. Dying at the hands of a woman is quite a bit different than dying in the arms of a woman."

"See?" Goku turned suddenly, practically shouting in Gojyo's face, "If ya' die 'cause of a chick, I'm gonna' think you're so lame!"

"Now, now, Goku." Hakkai scolded immediately, "Screaming isn't necessary."

Goku looked up at him, a little more desperately, "But he can't die, right? He can't die. It ain't right!"

"I agree wholeheartedly, Goku. If he has any sense of how 'uncool' and selfish this death is, he'll come back to us."

Then they stood there together, Hakkai's hands on Goku's shoulders, and watched, like he was supposed to come to on cue.

I couldn't even find it in myself to be the voice of reason. Idiotically enough, the bullshit they were yammering about made the slightest bit of sense, which was just an indication of how tired and run down I must be.

People can't help dying. I reminded myself.

I gave up on the whole scene and resigned to sitting down on the opposite end of the room from them, reading the paper and smoking.

It became one of the longest days I'd ever spent. Time was dragging by at an absurdly slow rate and there was nothing I could do to make it speed up. Every time I looked at the clock on the wall, it seemed like just a couple of minutes had gone by, even though it felt like I'd been sitting there for hours. I wore the newspaper out before long, and then I went through what was almost a full pack of cigarettes and had to open a new one. I sat and drank crappy tea, and didn't move, and tried not to think of anything.

Tension was high. Sometimes the others talked, and sometimes not. When they thought of something to say, it was either a casual, but strained comment about the situation, or it was something that had nothing to do with any of it, like they were trying to pretend it wasn't happening. Occasionally they talked to Lei about her plans, but she didn't act like she wanted to talk to anyone. Every now and then, one of them would lose his composure or his confidence, become anxious and ask the other if he really thought Gojyo would be all right, but for the most part, they reassured each other and didn't bother me with it. There were hours that went by in unperturbed silence, and I almost would have been grateful for it if it weren't for the circumstances, because no matter what I told myself, I was feeling anxious too, and watching them didn't help.

For the better part of the day, they sat side by side on the edge of the bed, not even talking to each other, and the concerned expressions on their faces were about to drive me crazy. Hakkai kept biting his lip until it looked like it was going to start bleeding, and his youkai energy was still blazing. Several times, he rose and walked over to the window, hands locked behind his back, and stared outside for an hour or two at a time. Goku fidgeted almost constantly, even more incapable of sitting still than usual. Every twenty minutes or so, he'd get up and pace around the room—to the window, around the table, where he'd adjust the chair, toward the door, past my chair, along the foot of the bed and back to the window again. He mumbled a little about being hungry, but he wasn't anywhere near as obnoxious as usual, like he didn't really expect anyone to feed him anyway.

When the sun was starting to dip low into the west, and I was staring out at it, uneasily, thinking about the journey ahead, Goku got up and started pacing once again.

"Stop that." Hakkai ordered, sounding much more impatient than usual. "I can't stand it any longer, Goku. Stop that pacing. Please."

"Yeah, but I'm-"

"Your boredom is the least of our concerns at the moment, so sit down and be still."

"I wasn't gonna' say that. I was gonna' say worried."

"It hardly matters why you're pacing, it only matters that you're about to drive us all stark, raving mad. So stop."

Hakkai's voice was almost vicious—not a tone he used on Goku often—his face was dark and pensive, and I saw that he was fiddling with his limiter again. Goku slunk over to the table and sat down.

I said, "You had better hold yourself together, Hakkai."

"I think I'm doing a wonderful job, given the circumstances, thank-you."

"Getting snippy with the rest of us won't help him."

"You don't seem to think anything will help. It's a wonder you're here at all."

I didn't feel like fighting with Hakkai over anything right now—Hakkai could be one sharp-tongued son of a bitch when he was agitated, and at the moment, he was beyond agitated—I especially wasn't going to fight with him over something as stupid and frustrating as this. "Just keep it together." I said again, and then I picked up the newspaper once more, started re-reading through sections that hadn't been unbearably boring.

I read until the light was too dim, and then I went over to switch on a lamp.

No one else had moved. Hakkai had his head in his hands, Goku was tipping his chair back and forth, precariously close to falling back in it, and Lei was sitting on the bed, petting Gojyo's hair. The Kappa hadn't so much as twitched in the last three or four hours, and his labored breathing was the only sound in the room.

I sat down again and closed my eyes, falling deeper into thought.

In spite of it all, we'd survive Ryptcore, and Jade, and we'd even had Kougaiji trailing us for days, without incident. I should have felt good about those things—I still had the sutra, the mission was still in motion, and my team mates hadn't gone nuts and run out on me, even though I'd thought they would—I should have been relieved.

But no.

How did things get this way? Is it my fault somehow?

Gojyo told me everything was my fault, last night, as we'd watched Hakkai and Goku try to kill each other. He'd thought that Hakkai and Goku fighting was the result of the executive decision I'd made. And maybe he was right, but damn, he had no idea how hard it was to be the leader, and to make those choices, and to know that if I made the wrong choice, everyone paid for it.

Gojyo, you're just a lazy, good-for-nothing kappa, like I've always said, and I know you don't understand what my role on this team is like. You don't know what a pain in the ass it is.

What a joke. I'd always said I didn't want to be surrounded by things that would need looking after, but being the leader meant making the choices that divided life from death, not just from me, but for them too. Was there something I could have done differently, way back before any of this bullshit with Jade and the DethBreed even got started? A lot of things had gone wrong since Gojyo and I got in that fight in the marketplace, weeks ago now, and maybe there was some key choice in there, made by me, or neglected by me, that had brought us to this point in time.

It isn't my fault this happened to you though. I already told you, a long time ago, that I don't purposely endanger your life, that if I thought you were too fragile, I wouldn't expect anything from you.

Was that a miscalculation? Did I just overestimate him—was I the first person in the history of his life to actually overestimate Sha Gojyo? Being half-human made him a far cry from being as strong as Hakkai or Goku, and that was never going to change. Furthermore, that idiot wasn't a killer. He acted like he was bad ass and tough shit, but that villainy just wasn't there, and the rest of us knew it, like we knew the sky was blue, and we let him go on acting like he was, just like we let him go on thinking he was a lady-killer.

It was never my place to protect you from your own trauma-produced delusions, you dumb ass. And I didn't ask you to come on this journey with me—you're the last person alive I'd ask to go on a quest with me—and you might have said you did this because you wanted to do me a solid, but I know better. You came on this trip because Hakkai did. If he hadn't, you would have stayed home and played cards and fucked women, like always.

So this isn't my fault. I refuse to feel guilty for something that's not my fault.

I considered that fight in the marketplace again. Was it really just a few weeks ago? It felt like years to me. What were we even fighting about? I tried to remember what had gotten me so angry to begin with.

In the end, it was just some stupid comment he'd made a couple nights prior that had set me off. It was something petty. Some remark about how easy I had it, being 'Sanzo-sama' and pushing everybody around, and never doing my own dirty work.

"It's been like this for years." He'd said, blowing smoke in my direction, "You're too lazy, or too scared, or too well-bred, or whatever to do this shit on your own, so we get stuck with the hard shit, and you sit around on your laurels and drink tea, while we go out and bust our asses."

I had no idea why he was bitching about it, and I had no idea why it pissed me off so much—he'd been saying shit like that since the beginning of time—something about it got under my skin.

You have no idea how hard it is, Kappa, keeping all you motherfuckers in line, making sure you don't go berserk, knowing I have to kill you if you do, trying to make you all stay the course when you're constantly losing interest and getting sidetracked, having to make the decisions that determine if the four of us live or die.

Either way, it was a stupid thing to get so annoyed over. I guess at the time, I'd just been really annoyed with him in general, since I was usually annoyed with him anyway.

Annoying sonnova bitch. I'm not lucky enough to be rid of you forever.

What I'd really like, would be to go back in time, back to that fight at the marketplace, and I'd like to hit him really, really hard and just knock his ass out. It'd be nice to punch him one. Not just because I was frustrated with his dying, bleeding ass though, but because it'd be nice, somehow, to be in that moment again, for a brief period of time, back when both of us were strong and didn't have anything to worry about other than normal, everyday bullshit, and who was the biggest dickhead.

What it boils down to is, this all happened to you because Ryptcore and Jade both thought you were the weakest link. They both thought you'd be the easiest to get rid of. And that's not my fault, because I already know you're not the weakest, fucking link. If they'd asked my opinion, I would have told them not to bother with you.

For one thing, everyone but me fucking loved the sick bastard. Goku thought he was his big-fucking-brother, and as far as Hakkai was concerned, he was more or less his reason for living. I didn't understand it at all.

What a lie. I might not feel that way, but I can easily see why they do.

No… I can't say to myself that there haven't been times when I was genuinely relieved, or maybe even glad to have you on my side.

When we fought Ryptcore together last night, when we had to save Goku and Hakkai from destroying each other, when he told me he wouldn't just run out on me. There were moments like that, little instances in our history, that made me understand why Goku and Hakkai thought he was so great. A lot of the things he did made me feel like I hated him, but there were plenty of times he did something that made me understand why they loved him so much.

And if you go, it's going to demoralize the shit out of them.

That's why I can't tell myself it won't make any difference to me if you die tonight.

So you better fucking not.

"Sanzo?"

I opened my eyes again. The room was a lot darker, the sun had gone down completely, Hakkai was standing by the window again, and Goku was crouching next to me, looking up at me earnestly.

"What do you want?"

The Monkey was almost whispering at me, "I'm really hungry…"

I sighed. He'd done a good job not whining all day, and it wasn't really fair to expect him to keep waiting to eat when I doubted any of the rest of us were going to have any kind of appetite for the rest of the night, but the situation was still so tense, I was reluctant to leave, even if it was just to go downstairs to order food.

Goku probably really needed to get out of this room though—he was more energetic than the rest of us, and much more emotional—sitting here, watching Gojyo die, was probably a huge strain on him.

Still, if I left, I wondered if that stupid idiot Hakkai would take his limiter off to try to heal Gojyo. He'd gotten so used to removing it in the last couple of weeks, I was worried that the consequences weren't really clear to him anymore.

I should really stay and make sure he didn't do anything dumb.

I should really go and get Goku some food before he had some kind of break down.

Lei stood up, suddenly, "I'll take him to get some dinner, if you want, Sanzo-san."

Startled, I looked at her, and even Hakkai turned his head to watch her. I had been under the impression that Lei hated full-blooded people—humans and youkai alike—but since she'd started traveling with Goku and I a few days ago, she acted a little less hateful. Maybe she was just accepting that she was stuck for us for a while, or maybe she was overcoming some of her own prejudices.

"Really?" Goku got on his feet immediately, "Ya' will? That's great! You're the best, Lei!"

She smiled back at him, a little sadly, and then looked at me again, "If that's all right, anyway. Unless you want to go with him."

I had better stay and watch idiotic, desperate Hakkai and make sure he didn't fuck this up. "Hn." I dug into my robe for the credit card, "Do whatever you want. You'll need this though—believe me."

With a bow, she took the card, and the two of them left.

Hakkai and I stayed in the silence for a whole ten minutes before he said, "Well, that was kind of her. Now you don't have to feel concerned about leaving me here unsupervised, is that right?"

His voice still had that edge to it, and I wondered if he was purposely trying to pick a fight.

"Shut up, Hakkai." I growled. "Your attitude is for shit."

He didn't say anything, and we were both quiet for a long time. The sun continued to set, and soon it was completely dark outside, then, eventually, Hakkai went and sat back down again.

Cool air blew through the window, and I tried to relax, tried not to worry.

Goku came back with Lei after thirty or forty minutes. They filed in, quiet and serious—it was always strange to see Goku being serious—he was carrying some leftovers, which he took over and set on the table, looked at me, then at Hakkai, "You guys hungry? I brought some food back."

I shook my head, and Hakkai muttered 'no thank-you.'

The rest of the night was spent in silence. The hours stretched by even more slowly than before; we were all out of things to say to each other, and I could feel that they were losing hope. Part of me wondered if I was supposed to be the one to say something that would lift morale—I was the leader after all, wasn't I—but what could I say? There was nothing we could do anymore. We had to be realistic.

Eventually, I did eat some of the rice Goku had brought back from his dinner, and I had some more tea, but it didn't make the tight feeling in my stomach go away. Hakkai didn't eat anything all night, and I refused to say anything to him about it. I wasn't his goddamn parent, after all.

I don't know how long I was awake, I just know that after some hours had passed, I began to feel like it had been days. I could hardly stand the feeling of confinement and sickness that was pervading the room anymore, and I had to give up and go outside to smoke a cigarette, hoping against all reason that what was left of the team stayed intact while I was away.

I went through three cigarettes, standing under the black, night sky and looking up at the stars, wondering when all this bullshit would finally be over and we could just get back on track, and then, again, I felt the unshakeable urge to just walk away—forget about them, forget about the mission and everything that was attached to it—and never come back. Why should I care if Shangri-La and everywhere else in the world went to shit?

The urge was so strong, I almost went right there and then.

In the end though, I knew I couldn't do that—like it or not, I had an obligation to fulfill to this world, and to them. I didn't know what they would do without me. Goku would be totally lost, of course, and Hakkai, capable as he was, wouldn't have much direction to go in after tonight, especially if I just left.

With an annoyed sigh, I turned to go back inside.

In the room, Goku had laid down on the floor and fallen asleep. Lei looked like she was sleeping too, but Hakkai hadn't moved. I sat down again and closed my eyes, thinking I might as well sleep as too.
I had only been sitting there a second or two before I hear Hakkai murmur from across the room, "I apologize for my behavior, Sanzo."

"Feh. Don't bother."

"It's been such a strain…this whole week has been difficult for everyone, hasn't it?"

"It's been fucking unbearable."

"Hopefully soon, everything will go back to normal."

"I guess we'll know by tomorrow."

There was a long, uncomfortable pause before he said, "You're right, I think."

Something in the tone of his voice made me ask, "You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?"

"No. I think I've managed to accept that there's nothing I can do; any course of action I could possibly take now would undoubtedly make things worse."

"As long as you know that."

"I do."

"Then stop worrying about it and get some rest."

"I don't know if I can quite do that, exactly, but there's no reason you shouldn't."

I thought there were plenty of reasons, but I didn't say so.

"Goodnight, Sanzo."

I tried to put all those reasons out of my mind and went to sleep anyway.

Goku

I told myself I wouldn't let anything bad happen to any of them, but then…

I paced around the inn room. Around and around and around, 'cause I didn't know what else to do. I was restless, really, and I wanted to fight. Sometimes, I felt hungry or sleepy or bored, but that stuff always went away again, in a minute or two, and the restlessness and the anger and the worry never did.

Sanzo went somewhere about thirty minutes ago, and Lei was gone too. Me and Hakkai were alone in the room. Well, alone, except for Gojyo, but he hadn't even moved in forever. Hakkai hadn't moved either, or said a word, in a long, long time. Even when Sanzo and Lei were here, he hadn't said anything to anyone. He was sitting on the edge of the bed now, after staring out the window for about three hours straight.

I stopped at the end of the bed and looked at Gojyo, but he still looked gray and pale and weak and sick and dead. It made me feel cold, right in my stomach. But, his forehead wasn't even creased, so I don't think he knew he was hurt so bad. I don't think he knew anything. He'd been sleeping for days, never waking up, not even to just mumble something at us. He got his bandages changed, and Hakkai tried healing him, and Lei dabbed his face with a wet cloth, and once, I even went over and shook his shoulders.
It was in the morning after we got to the inn, and I'd really thought I'd wake up and Gojyo would be okay, or that I'd find out it had just been a nightmare. I was super upset when I found out he was still asleep. I couldn't help it. I went over to him, and I grabbed him by the shoulders, and I shook him, just about as hard as I could, and I screamed in his ear, "Wake up! You gotta' wake up! Please wake up!"

Hakkai had grabbed me right away, ripped me off him, shoved me to the other side of the room, and yelled at me, "Goku! What are you thinking?! Have you forgotten he's badly injured!? He can't take that sort of rough treatment right now—you'll only make matters much, much worse!"

Behind me, Sanzo had been standing then, and he'd shouted too, "Dammit, monkey, this isn't a game! Don't make this any harder than it has to be!"

Hakkai went off on some kinda' crazy rant after that, pacing around the room, lookin' sorta' nuts, talking and talking. At first, he was just scolding me and calling me careless, and then he started to say things to himself, about how it was all his fault anyway, and how it should be him lying there, instead of Gojyo. He apologized a bunch. To us, to Lei, to himself, I think. He started talking to Gojyo, making all kinds of threats about what he was going to do if he didn't wake up, and then begging for him to 'come back' and 'not to do this'. His youkai energy was worse than ever—to me, it felt like it was about to explode: burn the cuffs off his ear, and come bursting out of him…

We all had just stared at him, watching him get more and more crazy. As far as I knew, he didn't sleep at all the night before, and I didn't know when he'd eaten. After he'd been going at it a while, Sanzo snapped at him and kicked him out of the room, and then Hakkai didn't come back for hours and hours.

He was really freaking out. But, I guess we all were, in our own way.

Now I looked at him, but he was just sittin' there, not moving, not talking, head hung so I couldn't see his face past his hair. His hands were shaking a little, and every now and then, he'd move his mouth, but no sounds would come out. I wondered what he was thinking. His aura was out of control, even now. I thought it would go back to normal after that crazy girl was gone, but…it felt like it was even stronger than before she died. It was almost like…watching Gojyo get hurt so bad was making him go crazy.

Maybe it really was. There were times when I felt like my friends getting hurt could make me lose it. Like when Rikudo, the guy with the talismans, stabbed Sanzo, a long, long time ago, when our journey first started, and I lost my diadem over it. Something about seeing Sanzo get all messed up like that, had set me off, and I couldn't control myself for anything. Maybe that would happen to Hakkai now. And then what would we do? I thought we got lucky, finishing off Ryptcore and Jade without Hakkai losing his mind, but…now it looked like it might not matter.

It's gotta' really suck…

I remembered how, before Jade came, Hakkai and Gojyo got out of the Jeep together and walked through the clearing, waiting for Sanzo to wake up. I thought about how they'd moved almost in unison, and how, even though they weren't talking about the stuff that was really bothering them, being together like that, was helping them deal with the stuff that was making them scared and sad and angry. I could see the way they were there for each other, even though they weren't even touching or acting like something was wrong. And now…

Now Hakkai was sitting there, like he was gonna' die next. He was probably playing it all through his head, again and again, 'cause that's what he was like, and he was probably blaming himself, and he was probably dwelling on the things that made him sad, angry, scared, lonely and guilty, by himself, 'cause Gojyo wasn't around to get him through this.

Three years we all lived in Chang'an. Over three years, I got to know everybody pretty good, and now, after traveling all this time, I knew everybody really, really good. I knew Sanzo better than I knew anybody else though, 'cause I lived with him, and he was like a dad to me when I didn't have a dad. He was around if I got scared, and he made me feel better if I felt sad. When I was angry, he made me look at stuff different, and then at least I wasn't bitter. When stuff went wrong, Sanzo made me see that it would be okay, even if he didn't, like, give me a huge hug and tell me all kinds of fluffy stuff. No matter where I went, no matter what happened to me, Sanzo was always in the middle, and he was bright like the sun.

I knew Hakkai and Gojyo had somethin' like that too. I'd seen Hakkai be super bummed one second, and start smiling the next, just 'cause Gojyo came into the room and said something really dumb. When we all first met, Hakkai was super bummed a lot. He smiled all the time, but I could sense the depression he was hiding, and I knew he was sad about the stuff that happened to him before we met him. I thought maybe he'd be that way forever. But I didn't sense that sadness these days—it started going away after he and Gojyo had been living together a while. I didn't get what it was, exactly, but somehow…Gojyo must have done the same sorta' thing Sanzo did for me. Maybe without even realizing it. Maybe he just changed how Hakkai looked at stuff.

What the heck was Hakkai gonna' do if Gojyo died?

If somethin' happened to Sanzo…I wouldn't even wanna' go on… I would, 'cause I didn't get a choice, I guess. So I'd try. But. I wouldn't want to. I'd wanna' go to sleep and never wake up. I want to die too.

If Gojyo was to Hakkai what Sanzo was to me, maybe he just wanted to die right now.

Slowly, I moved up the side of the bed, sat down next to Gojyo, feeling really scared and really sad now, and I didn't even know what I could do to fix this. I didn't even know if anyone could fix it. I didn't get why it was happening, but it was really horrible. I touched his hand, and it was cold. I leaned down close to him, and all I could smell was blood—no rain, no tobacco, no beer or sake, no weird perfume off some strange girl… Just blood.

"Hey." I murmured in his ear. "Can ya' hear me?"

Gojyo didn't even shudder.

I squeezed his hand, "What're you doin'? You gotta' wake up, Goj… You can't do this…"

My eyes were burning.

Why was this happening? He was okay one minute, and like this the next. He killed Jade, like he wanted to. He stood there and kicked the crap out of her, even after she'd torn him up. I had thought he'd be okay. Now what was going on? Was he just…giving up?

He was so tired that morning. I could look in his eyes and see how tired he was, and I even though I didn't get what he and Hakkai had been through while the four of us were separated, and I didn't know how long he went not sleeping, or whatever, but obviously he was super tired, and he shouldn'ta' been fighting Jade.

Why didn't somebody tell him that? Why didn't somebody stop him? Gojyo was stupid—I think, sometimes, he was even dumber than me—he was always doing dumb shit, jumping into fights head first, and he pushed himself when he shouldn't be pushing himself. I guess, we were all kinda' like that sometimes. I knew I was.

Still, why didn't somebody say something to him? Why didn't somebody tell him he was too tired ta' deal with Jade? Nobody even said it to him, but I think we all knew it. He had to know it too, so why did he…?

He told me he just had to kill Jade, and then, in the end, he got to, but I didn't think it was worth it if we lost him.

I whispered again, "You gotta' wake up soon, Gojyo…you told me you wouldn't go anywhere, ever."

That was sucky. He said he wasn't gonna' leave, and now this was happening.

"I don't want ya' to go anywhere. Ever."

"'Kay, then I won't, kiddo'."

'Kay, then I won't, kiddo' wasn't a promise. It didn't even sound like a promise. I couldn't be mad at him if something happened to him now, even after he said that, but it was gonna' hurt. A lot.

I choked back the urge to start crying, "You said ya' wouldn't leave me, ya' stupid cockroach."

"Goku." Hakkai said softly, and I looked up to see him watching me, his eyes sad. He reached across to touch my shoulder, "It's all right. Whatever happens…"

"Ya' don't actually think that, 'Kai… What th' heck're we gonna' do without him?"

Hakkai frowned, took his hand back, and turned away again. "We'll endure."

It smelled like a lie to me. I didn't think Hakkai was gonna' 'endure' if Gojyo died. I didn't think he was gonna' lay down and die too, but I pictured him going through life after that, never smiling, not really talking, barely alive, just doin' stuff on auto-pilot, not thinking about the future. Not thinking about anything good, ever.

And me too.

How could we just move on without him? Gojyo was…important. Just really, really important. He wasn't strong like me an Hakkai. He didn't have some well of crazy strength he could get into whenever he wanted. He wasn't a great leader like Sanzo was, and he couldn't make great decisions all the time. He could barely decide what he was gonna' eat at dinner. He wasn't super smart like Hakkai was.

Without him though, the team was gonna' go down the drain, 'cause he did somethin' else for us, somethin' maybe we couldn't really do ourselves. Even though he wasn't the strongest or the smartest or the fastest, we could all rely on him—any of us—if we ever needed somebody to turn to. Gojyo was never gonna' say 'I'm way too pissed off or way too sad today to help you out with your shit', 'cause he wasn't like that.

I thought back to the conversation Hakkai, Gojyo and me had around the campfire, what felt like forever ago, after Ryptcore attacked us the second time, and we were going through the woods, trying to help Lei and the others get to their new village. Stuff had seemed so hopeless right then, but even though Gojyo was hurt and down and going crazy 'cause he didn't have cigarettes, he still sat down between us and told us stuff was gonna' be okay. That's what he was like. He didn't think about his problems, and he didn't let them get in the way of always being there for us.

I dunno' what you'd call that. I dunno' what it was really, but he did it all the time, like it was nothin'. He'd just grin at you, and ruffle your hair, an' tell ya' stuff was okay, and you believed him, 'cause it sounded like he really believed it too.

Did he really believe it? When stuff was totally going bad, and he looked up and said 'everything's gonna' be cool, Goku', did he really think that, or was he just lyin' to make me feel better? Did he actually feel like stuff was gonna' be okay?

Yeah, prob'ly.

That made him the guy all of us could count on, no matter what. When Hakkai almost went crazy, he didn't get scared and give up on him—he chased after him and stayed with him until we were all together again. When me an' Hakkai were nuts, fighting each other, trying to kill each other, he didn't walk out on Sanzo, even though the two of them had been fighting so much lately. He hung in there, and then the two of them got us back to normal.
I thought about before all this really crazy stuff happened, about how we got stuck in that cave together, while Sanzo and Hakkai fought Xiong. I freaked out, but Gojyo stayed calm and promised me stuff was gonna' be okay—that we were gonna' get out, and that we were gonna' find the others, and that everybody was gonna' be all right. And it was true.

That almost seemed like the last time Gojyo was really okay, 'cause after that, we found the half-breed village, and then he got all…moody, and Ryptcore stomped on him, and he lost his cigarettes, and Jade started doing crazy shit to him…

"I'm not entirely sure." Hakkai said at last, drawing me out of my thoughts and memories. "Going on without him does sound impossible…doesn't it?"

Impossible.

Even Sanzo was acting weird now. Sitting and reading the same newspaper over and over. I think even he got that, if we lost Gojyo, we were kinda' gonna' lose our spirit.

Maybe I shoulda' been the one to do something. I had all those weird feelings right before the fight started—bad feelings—and when he'd walked away to fight Jade, I almost stopped him, but I didn't know how.

I remembered how it felt to watch…

He was doing okay, but my heart was pounding. They'd been fighting a couple minutes, and I could tell Jade was stronger and quicker than Gojyo, and I could tell from watching him that he was really tired, but he was still doing okay.

So why was I so scared?

Hakkai and Sanzo were watching without a word, and neither of them seemed very worried. Why was it just me? Why did I think Gojyo was in a ton of trouble?

I don't know…but…somehow I knew he was. Somehow, I knew that he wasn't really okay, even if it looked like he was…

The fight hadn't even been going ten minutes when I started yelling at him. I'm not sure why. It just suddenly felt right to yell, and I couldn't stop myself, "Gojyo! Get outta' there!"

Sanzo and Hakkai looked at me like I was crazy. "Goku?"

"Gojyo! Gojyo! Don't fight her anymore—cut it out! Just stop! Gojyo!"

"Would you knock it off, monkey?" Sanzo growled.

"What's the matter, Goku?" Hakkai asked, gripping my shoulder.

I was breathing hard, and I was really, really scared, "I-I dunno'. I just don't want him ta' do this! Not all alone. I don't think he should!" I summoned my bo and started to run forward, but Hakkai caught my arm.

"Goku, listen to me." He said patiently, but when I looked him in the eyes, they were wide and sorta' scared too, "You can't just interfere for no reason—"

"Why not?"

"Gojyo knows what he's doing. We've put up with a lot from that woman for the last several days, and he's especially tired of her. It's his right to do this—more than any of us, he deserves to kill her—so we can't just step in and get in the middle of it. This is his fight." He smiled sadly, "If he thinks he can win…then I'm sure he can…"

…if he thinks he can win…he can…

Hakkai was wrong, and I'd been thinking about that for the last two days too.

It wasn't too long after he said that that Gojyo started to do worse. Finally, Hakkai decided we should step in, but Gojyo told us to keep out of it, and for whatever stupid reason, we listened to him. Then, before any of us even knew what was happening, he was down.

I turned to Hakkai again, "D'ya' think he actually thought he could win?"

Hakkai didn't answer for a long moment, and when he did, he was all but whispering, "I'm not sure… He fought her twice before, but…he didn't win either of those fights. I suppose, in light of that, added to the fact that, physically, he wasn't in any position to do well in a fight, it's very possible that he knew he was going to lose."

"Then why'd he do it? Is he really that dumb?"

Hakkai shrugged. He shook his head. "I'm not sure why…"

I watched Gojyo sleep a while. "If we stepped in sooner…he woulda' been okay, right?"

"Yes." Hakkai sounded like he was going to fade away. His aura was still blazing through everything I could feel. I wanted to ask why we hadn't stepped in. I wanted to ask why he'd stopped me when I tried to step in. I wanted to understand why we'd all let Gojyo down so totally when he'd stuck by us through everything.

Maybe that's just the way it is for Goj. Maybe that's just…his life.

"Hey, Hakkai?"

"Mm?"

"Are people like Gojyo really cursed?"

Hakkai whipped around, a disbelieving look on his face. "I'm sorry?"

"Up until we went to Lei's village, Gojyo was the only hanyou I ever met…but everybody says they're cursed, right? That they just bring bad things on others."

He snapped at me, and I still wasn't used to that, even though he'd been doing it a lot for the last couple days. "Gojyo's never brought anything bad on any of us-"

"I know." I interrupted softly, "Bad stuff happens to him though, all the time. Little things, like losin' rock-paper-scissors an' havin' to ride up on the edge of the Jeep, and big stuff. Like this. Maybe somehow…the bad stuff's that's supposed to happen to other people 'cause of him, just happens to him instead. 'Cause that's how he is…"

Hakkai looked less angry now, but he just said, "I'm not sure that makes any sense, Goku—no one has control over these types of things—and at any rate, hanyou aren't really cursed to begin with. They're just people. Tragic, unfortunate people who just got dealt a very unlucky hand at the very beginning of life."

That made more sense. I didn't know what I was talking about.

"D'ya' think he's gonna' make it?"

Hakkai didn't even hesitate before he nodded. It's like he didn't even have to think about the answer, but I wondered if he actually thought it.

"How d'ya' know?"

"Because." He answered simply, "He told me everything's going to be all right. He wouldn't have said that if he didn't believe it."

I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know when Gojyo had said anything at all to Hakkai. And I didn't think Gojyo would know any better than the rest of us. Maybe Hakkai really was goin' nuts over this.

I sighed and laid down next to Goj, feeling really tired and bothered, "I hope so."

"If he doesn't…." Hakkai went on, a little darkly, "I'm afraid of what that will mean for my own sense of self."

"Ya mean, you think you might still go berserk, if something bad happens…?"

"I'm afraid it's entirely possible."

With the way his aura was, I thought he was probably right.

"I don't think he'd wanna' leave you behind." I answered suddenly. "I think he knows how much it would suck for you."

Hakkai didn't answer.

I knew it would suck for all of us, and I hated to think about Gojyo being gone, but it was almost impossible for me to imagine Hakkai going on without Gojyo. It had been weird to see him going on without Gojyo when he ran off to put Kami-sama in his place. It had seemed to me like he was only half of Hakkai—the things he'd said and done just hadn't felt right.

"I can't deny." He said very quietly, "I will be devastated on a very personal level. I don't know that I'll be able to forgive myself."

"Me neither."

Hakkai looked at me, and our eyes met.

I whispered. "Hakkai. How could we let this happen to him? He's always there for us."

"Try not to think that way, Goku. It's easy to feel as if we've let him down, I know, but he made his choices, and we did everything we could to stop him. He's just careless like that."

"Still." I turned over and rested my forehead against Gojyo's shoulder, "I wish I did somethin' to stop him. I don't wanna' keep goin' west without him. And I definitely don't wanna' go home without him."

"Home." Hakkai murmured, his eyes turning distant, like he was lookin' back on something only he had seen. "No…I don't think I even could go back to that place without him… How strange… I've often suspected that he could easily go on without me… It must be some fundamental weakness in my character. It must be why he insists that I'm 'an emo'."

"Ya' kinda' are. But. I don't think he could go on without ya' that easy."

Gojyo was quiet when it came to feelings and stuff, but I watched their friendship from the outside for four years, and I was pretty sure Gojyo would follow Hakkai to the ends of the earth. Not 'cause he had to. He was independent and strong, but I knew that he just wanted to be with Hakkai. Come to think of it, it was kinda' dumb to ever think he'd stay in Lei's village.

"Perhaps not." Hakkai said softly. After a moment, he laid down on the other side of Gojyo, sighing heavily. "I will do anything in my power to keep that from happening."

"Me too."

After a minute or something, I could hear that he was asleep, and his youkai energy seemed softer for the first time in days, and then I couldn't help thinking that this wasn't the end. Gojyo wasn't dead yet—he was still hanging in there, and fighting—he wasn't giving up like I'd thought earlier. I couldn't believe he'd let things end this way, not if he knew what it would mean for the rest of us.

I looked at him a long time, and now he didn't seem as pale, just really still and peaceful.

Maybe he could always say stuff was gonna' be okay and sound like he meant it because he was always gonna' fight until stuff really was okay. It wasn't like him to quit just because things were hard, so I couldn't believe he was gonna' die here. In a way, it almost seemed dumb to think that he would. It seemed almost as dumb to think that as it had been to think that he might stay with Lei in her hometown.

Then I wondered if maybe he was just catching up on all the sleep he'd missed. If I went through all the crap he'd put up with, I'd be super tired too, and I might just fall down and sleep for a week when it was over.

The thought made me smile. I couldn't help it. I closed my eyes, "Wake up soon, buddy."