Violent World

by Zaney HacknSlash

Hunted by two powerful, new foes, the team begins to break apart. Loyalty and sanity are questioned, inner demons are unleashed, and for once, making it to India is the least of their problems. All Pov. Epic.

31. Chapter 31

Gojyo

'…Don't run away from the people who understand you best…'

The rain was coming down in torrents, but I couldn't even hear it over the slamming beat of my own heart.

There was blackness, jostling sensations of movement. I was in the Jeep—the fact that I could make sense of that was miraculous to me—Goku was close to me. I caught fragmented glimpses of his face, with wide eyes and a terrified mouth. He seemed really hot, but maybe that's because I was so cold. Freakishly cold. The pain was unbearable; it made me want to scream, but I didn't have the strength, so I just sank back into the blackness.

This is all bullshit…

The thought was almost a grin in my mind, a fork in the road, splitting off in two directions, one toward struggling and fighting to exist, and one toward admitting I was beat, and giving in. In the end, I wasn't sure which to take, because I knew what I was, I knew what life had in store for me, and it was just a matter of deciding if it was worth it or not. How could I be sure if it was?

'…I think I was wrong about something…I dunno' why, but we get ya'…you belong with us…'

Somewhere beyond the pain and the numbness, the darkness and the rain, there was screaming—horrible, relentless screaming, like somebody was getting their heart torn out.

Deshi. I let that bitch kill him. I just stood there while she…

Could this day get any longer?

But I knew that screaming, terrified, angry voice, maybe even better than I knew my own—I don't think anyone really knows what they sound or look like; they think they have some idea, but I don't think it's ever perfect, not the way you can know the look and sound and feel of someone else after you've been around them a really long time—it made me really sorry, hearing that awful screaming coming from that voice I knew so well.

'…You're just Gojyo to me. Gojyo's not defined by 'taboo'…he's defined by other things, like friend, room mate and comrade…'

And you're not defined by things like 'murderer' or 'psycho'; that's Sanzo. If I could have laughed, I would have, but then again, nothing was funny. Not right now.

'I've never seen you fall so hard that you couldn't pick yourself back up.'

This time though…I didn't think I could. The second I hit the freezing, wet ground, with that bitch standing over me, holding her sword, I knew there was no way I was getting up this time. Not by myself.

'…if anybody's gonna' die on this ass-sucking quest, it's probably going to be me…'

Why am I only right just when it really, really sucks?

The darkness faded again, and there were flashes of a town all around me. The rain was done. Everyone I passed was staring at me in horror, but I could barely make sense of how I was on my feet, let alone moving, and then I realized I wasn't really on my feet. The voice that had been screaming just a couple seconds ago was right beside my ear. 'You're not dying. Do you understand? You'd better not think for a moment that you can get out of this by dying on me.'

As if he could do anything about it. I'd already felt the warmth of his chi burning through my freezing cold body, and even though it had given me a little shred of strength to go off of, I didn't have to be lucid to realize it wasn't going to be enough this time, and we were back to the days of carrying each other on our backs.

You can't do it…

'How simple for you to say—it doesn't mean anything to you!'

I knew better than to believe that, even if it did seem true sometimes.

'…you're not my responsibility, and you're certainly not my friend…'

But…

'…If your life is in danger, it's not on purpose…I can't control what happens when I send you to do something…'

All along, I always knew I didn't have to accept this—I could be home right now, but I chose to come, and I chose to stay; not because I cared so damn much about the fucked up world that had spat on me and turned its back. It was because of them, because they hadn't, and I'd learned by now that they weren't going to, and that meant I couldn't do it either.

'Don't run from the people who understand you…'

I could almost see my brother, looking at me through the dimness of the night. '…why are you with those guys in the first place? …Why are you sticking with them?'

So many reasons.

But it didn't really matter now, because it looked like this was just about it for me.

The town was just a blur. I missed most of it, and I didn't care, because it was full of people who didn't give a shit what happened to me, and I wasn't all that interested in what happened to them either.

With my head on his shoulder, I could smell laundry detergent and tea, just beneath the reek of sweat and blood, and I wondered how he always managed to smell that way, even when we were on an endless road trip.

'…Dude…think I'm fucked…?'

'No, you're not. I've got you.'

'…If you get yourself killed, I'm dumping you in a shallow grave and moving on…'

'…it's way too early to cash in the damn chips…I'm dragging you crazy bastards with me, no matter what…'

'I'd miss ya…if ya' left…'

I'd miss you too, kid.

For a little while, I think I was awake, drowning in sporadic explosions of pain that seemed to be drenching every inch of my body, unfamiliar hands all over me, pressing me down, prodding at me, jabbing me with needles, dousing me with weird-smelling chemicals I didn't have names for. Right when I was starting to think I was in hell, I looked up and saw Sanzo above me, and then I knew I was in hell.

It should have been nice to see a familiar face, but it was Sanzo, so it didn't count; not that I wasn't glad to have someone, but Sanzo wasn't really the kind of guy you wanted to have next to you while you were dying. He was a little bit lacking in empathy. There was only one person who'd ever seen me this pathetic before, and he was the only person I thought I could stand to have around me now.

But he wasn't there, and after a moment, neither was Sanzo, and I was totally alone, which was the worst thing possible.

I didn't want to deal with dying alone, so I went back to sleep.

Even then, voices were ringing through my mind, all the time, coming in and out of focus.

'Without my limiter, I might be able to help him…'

'…You're worth two Gojyo's to me…'

'…Sha Gojyo might not be here tomorrow…you've got to be ready to deal with that…'

I was sick of hearing them talk about me like I wasn't there.

'…Not a good place for Sha Gojyo to die at all…'

'…if you die 'cause of a chick I'm gonna' think you're so lame!'

Assholes.

I sank deeper into sleep, and then there was finally silence and the pain disappeared.

Then, I opened my eyes, but I couldn't tell if I was awake or not, or whether I was dreaming or in reality. The moon outside was shrouded in mist. The pain inside me was almost too much to stand. My throat was dry, my mouth tasted like blood. Next to me, there was a fluttering, scared voice that I could barely hear in the night.

"Please don't die. I wouldn't be able to accept anything so horrible."

It was really vivid for a dream. I could almost feel his shoulder lying against mine and his face pressed to my neck, but I couldn't tell if it was real.

My voice was really calm. Almost cheerful. "D'ya' really think I'm gonna' die?"

He was quiet a long, long time, not even moving. His breath was warm when he finally answered, "Are you awake?"

I kept staring at the moon, vision blurry from pain, and nothing seemed real. Everything looked like it could be real, but nothing was familiar, and it didn't make any sense to be awake. "Can't tell."

"Do you know who you're speaking to?"

Was that supposed to be some kind of trick question? Maybe he didn't know who I was talking to.

"Yeah. You, 'Kai."

He shifted a little and was quiet a few more moments. "Will you tell me everything's going to be all right?"

Guess he was freaking out. Still, it was kinda' weird, so this had to be a dream. I muttered, absently, "Everything's cool, pal."

"It's ridiculous, I know, expecting you to reassure me under these particular circumstances, but…I just…I need to hear you tell me things will be okay…"

Whatever he was freaking out about, Sanzo's good, old-fashioned, 'suck it the fuck up before I put you out of your misery' must not have been good enough for him this time.

I said it just for the hell of it, "It's gonna' be alright."

He sighed and leaned against me. "Good."

I closed my eyes and hoped I was right.

I sat up, shaking and feeling cold and pained, but I didn't want to lay there any longer. There was sunlight coming through the window off to the side, sort of dim and pale, like evening was setting in, and I didn't know how long I'd been unconscious, but my whole body felt stiff, like I'd been dead for a couple of days.

I was in some really tiny, cheap-looking, dingy room that was decorated all in brown and gray, and my bed was hard and tattered. I sat there taking it in for a minute or two, trying to figure out where I was and what happened, and it took me a moment to notice Sanzo sitting across the room, and god damn did he look way too calm, wearing his dorky glasses and reading his stupid newspaper, filling the room with his disgusting Marlboro Red smoke; he didn't even look up at me.

For a few minutes I sat there, breathing roughly and staring hard at the world around me, trying to convince myself that everything I saw was real. It didn't make any sense for me to be alive—I could remember my fight with Jade really vividly, and how it felt to have her rip through me, and how heavily I hit the ground, with the guys crowding around me. It didn't make any sense. No. This had to be a dream.

I looked around at Sanzo again, but he hadn't even moved to turn the page of his newspaper.

Doing my best to stay calm, I shoved the blankets off and looked down at myself. Everything was all wrapped up—my arms, most of my torso, my leg. There were patches of dusky red on the bandages. I remembered how much I'd been bleeding and shuddered. No. It still didn't make any damn sense to be alive, not after Jade had torn into me like that.

Slowly, the fight came back to me, little by little. I remembered forcing myself to get up and keep going, even when every step felt like it was going to kill me.

When I looked up again, Sanzo was watching me. He had this weird look on his face, frown extra harsh, forehead wrinkled even more than usual. For a moment, our eyes met, and then he looked back at his newspaper, calmly saying, "You're alive? Hmph. I just can't catch a break."

It didn't sound even half as dickish as usual.

"Me neither." I husked. My throat might as well have been coated with dust or something. It sounded like I'd screamed myself hoarse.

"I guess there's still a chance that you could die…" Now it sounded like he was just forcing the dickishness.

I didn't really care what he said or did right then, or if he thought he had to be a dick or not.

"Where's everybody else?" I asked when I thought I had better control over my voice, but I still sounded like I'd spent the night screaming and crying. My head hurt like I had too.

"Hell if I know. I couldn't stand their hovering anymore, so I sent them away."

"You did what? God, you're a dick."

"Why's that?" He still didn't look up, and as much of a dick as he was trying to be, he didn't sound like he was interested in fighting with me.

"Maybe because I'm in here dying, and you told everyone to leave. That doesn't seem like a dick move to you?"

"No."

"I can't believe it—you're such a dick, you don't even know you're a dick."

He finally glared at me over the top of his newspaper, "You're being pretty damn mouthy over there for having just had a near-death experience."

Near-death experience, my ass. This still didn't feel real to me. I still didn't see how I could have hit the ground, bleeding like that, yesterday morning, and wake up today like it never happened. I felt the bandages wrapped around my stomach, felt a sharp twinge of pain that was almost convincing. I mean, at least I'd been in a fight.

That's right…the fight.

I barely remembered lying side by side with Hakkai, as he looked me in the eyes and told me he wouldn't mind losing, this one time, if it meant losing with me.

What a fucking asshole, just assuming we were going to lose.

'We ain't losing, Hakkai'.

"Also, not that it's any of your business," Sanzo harsh voice brought me back to the present again,, "but we all decided you probably weren't going to die about five days ago."

I did a double-take of him. "Five?"

"Hn. We've wasted more than a week in this backwater town, thanks to you."

So…that was it… It's not like Jade ripped me a new asshole yesterday. I'd been lying here a long, long time; obviously they'd gotten a doctor for me, since the bandage job looked pretty pro, and Hakkai had probably had the chance to try healing me a couple of times. I remembered him trying to heal me the first time, in the rain, surrounded by gore, that pathetic, terrified look on his face making me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I remembered telling him he couldn't do it—I had known then just how fucked up I was, that my injuries were more than he could deal with. Maybe though, in intervals, he could have at least given my body the extra strength it needed to keep me alive and help me recover. I didn't know how his whole chi thing really worked…so I couldn't say for sure if that would do anything.

I turned back to stare at Sanzo, thinking about what we'd done, taking out Ryptcore while Goku and Hakkai were being nuts. I could hardly believe we'd pulled our berserk, little team back together. Even at the time, I had barely been able to believe it.

Did that mean everything was cool now? Did I even care if it was cool?

Yeah. Fighting with Sanzo like that had been totally exhausting, and I was way too tired and stiff now to want to even think about fighting with him. And besides that…

He noticed I was staring after a while, and then frowned at me, "Knock it off."

"You didn't do it."

"What now? Don't tell me you're still delirious."

"You didn't dump me in a shallow grave and keep trucking."

Sanzo sounded a little annoyed, "You didn't die, you half-wit. As much as I'd love to bury you alive, I doubt I could get away with it."

"Yeah, well you didn't put me out of my misery either."

"Believe me, I thought about it. And I'm still thinking about it, so how about you shut up now?"

"No, dude, really. It's cool that you -"

"There's still time for me to kill you. I could probably convince the others that you just didn't make it."

"Fine." I tried not to let my frustration get the better of me. I knew that's the way he was going to be about it—no way in hell he'd ever let me thank him—so I shouldn't be too bothered that I was right in the end. I sat there a while longer, wishing I had a cigarette, wondering where my pack was at.

"What did I tell you about being an idiot, anyway?"

I glanced at him, a little surprised that he was going to keep talking to me, "What? I dunno'. I don't pay much attention to anything you say."

"You're an idiot, Gojyo. You're a fucking, goddamn, stupid idiot."

"Oh right. That."

"What the hell were you thinking anyway?"

"Who knows?"

"The next time you decide you want to die and throw yourself head-first into a stupid fight that has nothing to do with you, don't expect me to give a shit. This is the last time I put any effort into saving your ass."

"I've heard that before." I muttered under my breath, and then I kicked the blankets off and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. Standing up was sort of hard—there was a lot of latent pain that went ripping through me as soon as I was on my feet, but I ignored that—I supported myself against the wall a second and then went rooting around for my clothes, which had been neatly folded and placed on a nearby chair. Probably by Hakkai.

"What the hell are you doing now?" Sanzo demanded.

"Gotta' have a cigarette." I found them in my coat pocket, where they belonged, put one in my mouth and started to put my pants on. I lit the smoke and took a deep, deep breath. It tasted better than anything in the world. Next, I went looking for my boots, found them under the chair there, stuffed my feet into them, wincing a little as some pain shredded through my wounded thigh.

"You're being an idiot again." Sanzo snorted. "Not that it's any of my business."

I tugged into my jacket, which was really tattered and pathetic by this time. It was so bloody, I was surprised nobody had just tossed it out. "There's nothing idiotic about wanting fresh air."

"I'm not interested in what happens to you, but I'll say it just so no one can say I didn't warn you—you almost died, you retard, and you should keep your ass in that bed until somebody with some brainpower tells you otherwise."

"Oh, and I guess that's gonna' be you, huh, Sanzo-sama."

"As I said, I don't give a shit what happens to you." He said it, but his face was looking sort of funny again, wrinkled up like that. Sort of the same face he got when it was rainy.

"Thanks for the advice." I grinned at him as I made my way toward the door. Honestly, walking hurt a lot, and I knew I was limping pretty bad, but I couldn't sit here anymore, especially not knowing I'd been bedridden for a week or something nuts like that. I had to move or I was going to die.

Sanzo growled, "Whatever. I'm sure someone else will be dragging you back up here in another fifteen minutes."

"Yep, probably."

He kept scowling at me, but he must have given up.

I hesitated by the door, "You know…we're cool right… you and me?"

"We've never been cool, Gojyo."

Yeah, that was probably true. Sanzo and me hated each other from the second we saw one another on the other side of my door four years ago, and I knew that wasn't going to change or go away any time soon. That was almost comforting. I really almost died this time though, and that sort of changed things. At least for now.

"You didn't really think I was going to leave and never come back, did you?"

"Of course I did. I'm surprised you've stuck around this long."

"I wouldn't do that to you." I couldn't quite make myself look at him.

"You already said that."

"Do you believe me?"

He sighed, "What does it matter? I'd still leave you behind in a split second if I thought you'd slow me down."

Finally, I forced myself to turn and look him in the eyes, "Yeah? Apparently not."

Sanzo wasn't quite frowning like I expected him to. His eyes were hidden behind all the typical shields and facades, but I couldn't make any sense of his expression.

"We probably both would have died, y'know? Fighting crazy Goku and Hakkai? It's kinda' amazing that we didn't."

He lowered his gaze back to the newspaper, "Whatever. Just get out of my sight—go fall down the stairs or something, crippled jackass."

"Right…" I smiled to myself. That settled it—that dick was always going to be one-hundred percent impossible to get even the slightest bit close to.

Goku did it somehow.

Goku was a genius.

I pushed the door open and limped out into the hall with a wave over my shoulder, "Anyway, thanks for sitting up with me, man. 'ppreciate it."

I shut the door again before I could hear the typical, stubborn 'I wasn't sitting up with you—I hate you' shtick.

The inn we were in was smaller and shittier than I expected. There were two floors—hence the stairs I was supposed to fall down and die at the bottom of—but everything around me was crappy, creaky, dingy and falling apart. It was freezing cold in the hall, for some reason, and the walls were flaked, smeared and scraped. I wondered if any of the other rooms were even occupied, or if we were the only group who'd stayed here all year.

I made my way down the hall slowly, half leaning on the wall and holding my injured side. So far, everything was totally quiet—I didn't see another person anywhere. It was like a ghost inn, and I totally expected to see something freaky coming down the hall toward me when I looked over my shoulder.

Downstairs, there was a tiny, little dining room, with a pathetic, little kitchen separated from everything else by a curtain that was half open, and a damp hallway that probably led to the bath, or maybe a crappy onsen. The windows in the place were grimy and dark, not letting any light in.

Finally I heard some voices disrupting the otherwise eerie silence, but they were pretty soft too—whispering to each other—like they didn't want to mess up the creepy stillness of the inn. I rounded the corner and saw Hakkai and Goku sitting at a table. They both looked tired and disturbed; Goku's eyes weren't shining, even though he was plowing through a plate of food, and Hakkai just looked exhausted. He hadn't even touched the meal in front of him, and his silverware was still wrapped in a napkin.

I hesitated by the stairs, feeling kind of embarrassed, suddenly, after getting my ass handed to me and putting them through all this shit. I wondered what I could say to them to make things normal, how I could keep this from being a big deal.

While I was figuring it out, Jeep looked up from Hakkai's shoulder, where he was preening himself, and let out a shrill, loud chirp that completely shattered the silence and made me grimace.

They both looked up, and Hakkai was in the middle of saying, "Well, Sanzo, how's-"

When they saw me, both of them almost dropped their teeth, their eyes got as big as the plates in front of them. "Gojyo!"

I gave up a weak grin and settled on a puff of smoke as a way of trying to act natural, "'Sup, kids?"

They were already scrambling out of their chairs, yammering away, and I could see that there was no way this could be anything other than a big deal.

"You're awake!" Goku shouted, springing up to me.

I thought he'd slam against me, and that would probably knock me out, braced myself for the impact, and the pain, but he stopped just short, sort of straining forward like it was all he could do not to throw himself on me, kind of like I was a glass pony he really wanted to pet the shit out of.

"Yep, I'm-"

"Stupid!" Hakkai snapped. "Being alive doesn't mean you should be wandering around when you've—so stupid—in any case you…that is. How do you feel? You look awful. You've been in a coma for over a week. I can't believe you think you can just get up and stroll down here as if… You've already caused us so much grief. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Yeah! You scared us, ya' damn, clumsy-ass. You should say sorry!"

"Clumsy? I-"

"Apologizing may be unnecessary…but never-the-less, you really ought to go back upstairs. Can you actually walk on that leg?"

"Geez, guys." I grumbled, "It's not that big a deal, is it? So I'm awake. Calm down."

Hakkai frowned at me and shook his head. "You're so impossible, Gojyo."

"Ya' almost died." Goku added nervously. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I just couldn't lay there with ass-hat Sanzo anymore. That dude's such a dick. Next time I almost die, do me a solid and get me a pretty nurse."

"Gojyo." Hakkai sputtered like somebody kicked him in the stomach, then palmed his face. He laughed a little. "Oh, Gojyo… You're such a…"

"Hey!" Goku shouted suddenly, "What about Lei? I bet she'd wanna' know you're okay!"

I looked down at him, "Lei's still around? I thought she woulda' headed for home by now."

"I don't think she wanted ta' go as long as you were all… Anyway. I can go look for her, 'kay? C'mon, Jeep!" The kid took off running, and for whatever reason, Jeep flew after him.

We watched him go, and Hakkai murmured, "That was very abrupt…"

I studied him a sec, noticing the dark circles under his eyes and the sunken look of his face. I could still sense his youkai energy, a little, but it wasn't blazing like it had been on the day we'd fought Jade, so I guess he'd calmed down a lot. They'd been sitting around here all week, so maybe he'd gotten himself together. Or else he was just exhausted. I took another drag off my smoke. "What about you, man?"

"What about me?"

"You look kinda' awful yourself."

"I haven't been sleeping well, you see."

"Or eating." I gestured to the plate he'd left at his place on the table.

"No…I haven't been…" He sighed, "Frankly, I haven't been doing well at all…this past week."

"That sucks." I stared across the room at nothing for a minute or two, "What about that bitch?"

He sounded startled, "Jade? Don't you remember?"

"I remember you said you wouldn't take your limiter off." I said darkly.

"I promised I wouldn't."

I could almost remember that. I remembered the words anyway, but not the context.

Everything was a blur in my mind.

"I didn't." He went on.

"She's dead though right?" I leaned forward, suddenly scared that he was going to tell me she'd run off, gotten away, and was still out there somewhere, hunting us and waiting for the next opportunity she got to finish us off. "You didn't let her get away just because I got hurt, right?"

Hakkai was giving me the strangest look, "Gojyo, I think you should go back upstairs and lie down."

"Not until you tell me about Jade."

"She's dead."

"She is?"

"You killed her."

"I…?" The rest of my words died behind my teeth. I didn't remember that. Was he lying to me to make me feel better? No. Hakkai never lied to me. And if he did, he was way too smart to let me notice he was lying to me.

He cocked his head to give me a long, thoughtful look. "You really don't remember that?"

"No… not… really…" I thought hard. I remembered hitting the ground. I remembered lying, half-dead, in the back of the jeep, as he tried to heal me. What was between that?

I almost remembered getting up.

And then he said he wouldn't mind losing with me.

I could sort of remember Jade lying at my feet, in pieces, but I was already on the verge of passing out at that point, and that was way more like a dream than it was like reality.

Everything between forcing myself to stand up again, and coming to in the room upstairs fifteen minutes ago, felt like a dream.

"She's dead." Hakkai said, gently. "You killed her."

"I can't believe that actually happened." I said flatly. Suddenly, I glared at him, "Unless, you're telling me this so I won't find out you went and took your limiter off to beat her."

"Now, now. Why would I do such a thing? I already told you I wouldn't remove it again, didn't I?"

"You fuckin' promised."

He smiled slightly. "Would I ever break a promise to you, dude?"

I shrugged and went back to smoking in silence, but I felt reassured anyway. "I didn't do it alone. She almost killed me."

"No of course you didn't. I really can't believe you don't remember the fight. The four of us defeated her, it just so happens you were the one to land the final blow."

"Was it hard?" I asked suddenly, "Hurting her?" I remembered her telling me he was going to go crazy and turn against us if we killed her, and of course, I'd found out he was thinking about Kanan every time he saw her. Ripping her apart, even hitting her, would probably be a little bit tough.

"No." He answered without hesitation. "Quite the contrary, in fact. It was simple."

"Easy? Well, what the hell, man? Why didn't we get it over with a long time ago if it was gonna' be so damn simple?"

Hakkai was smiling again, only sadly this time, as he looked me in the eyes, "I suppose I needed to have the right incentive."

"Glad I could help." I scoffed.

He didn't laugh at all. Instead, he said, "It was rather unfortunate for her. The one thing she thought could drive me over the deep end was the exact thing I needed to see in order to genuinely want to kill her. I don't regret finishing her off at all, in light of that—she was a very twisted individual, I suppose—but…I do regret that I let this happen. I'm-"

I punched his arm, lightly, because I didn't want to break in two from the effort, "Old news, Hakkai."

For some reason, that seemed to upset him, definitely way more than it was supposed to, and the next look he gave me was caught somewhere between dismay and relief, and suddenly I remembered the weird dream I'd had of him asking me to tell him everything was okay.

That wasn't a dream, Gojyo, you idiot.

Hakkai really thought I was going to die. I could see it all over his face now, just how certain he had been. I didn't think I had been that close to death before. He had obviously expected me to die at any given second—they all had—and the only reason I wasn't thinking of it was because I'd taken a nap for seven days and woken up thinking it all happened yesterday. I wasn't around for the 'hovering' as Sanzo had called it, to see them being scared and worried, not eating, not sleeping, just waiting and wishing for me to wake up.

Don't run from the people who understand you best…

Who in the hell could possibly know me better?

I slung my arm around his neck suddenly, dragging him closer and knocking my head against his—lightly so my skull wouldn't fly into fragments—and I held onto him really, really tight. My cigarette had burned itself down to the filter by now, so I dropped it and wrapped my other arm around him too, "Shit, dude. I'm so fucking sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" He demanded, but he was quiet and resigned. It took me a second to realize he was holding onto me just as tightly as I was hanging on to him.

"I scared the crap out of you."

"Yes, that's very true. You really did."

"I'm okay."

"I don't think I can aptly express my relief."

With a chuckle, I pounded his back. "Damn. I really almost died, huh?"

"You…I think you might actually be part cockroach. I can't believe you're doing this well."

"I told you—I'm tough."

He squeezed tighter, to a point where it almost hurt, and I knew he didn't think I was all that tough right now. "Why did you do it?"

"Fight that bitch?"

"Obviously."

"You know why."

"I wouldn't have necessarily had to remove my limiter to beat her, you know."

"Yeah, but like you just said—you didn't have the incentive to kill her—she was going to keep needling away at you until you couldn't resist anymore, and then what would we have done?"

"Still. What you did was reckless and stupid."

"When am I ever not stupid and reckless?"

"I suppose. Still, what I'm trying to say is what you did…it wasn't noble or courageous or anything. It was idiotic. Absolutely idiotic."

"Yeah. I really…love you, man."

Hakkai was silent a really long time after that, probably totally stunned. It was probably the second time in my life I'd dropped that word on him. It was probably the second time in my life I'd even said that word to someone. I couldn't remember ever loving anyone else, in any way. At last he told me, "I'm afraid that doesn't make it any less idiotic."

"I know."
At last, he took a step back to look me up and down, like he wasn't sure I was really there, but his hand stayed resting on the back of my neck. The way he looked at me made me feel like he thought I could still fall down and die at any given second. After a moment passed, he murmured, "Thank-you."

"What the hell are you thanking me for?"

"Believe it or not…I'm thanking you because you wouldn't listen to me. You didn't simply walk out on me the moment things became a little rough."

"You know I wouldn't do that to you, dude."

He cracked a faint smile, "Yes, of course… I suppose I've learned that by now. Regardless, I…"

Hakkai trailed away, looking up over my shoulder, and cleared his throat suddenly.

I turned to see Lei following Goku through the front door. She looked a little better than the last time I saw her—hair and face clean, dressed like a guy, in a dark button-up shirt and some khaki's with boots—but her expression was tired and her eyes had lost some of their shine.

She hesitated when she saw me.

I took my arm off Hakkai's shoulders, and he let go of me, and we each took a step away so there was some distance between us.

Goku came over to me, like a happy, little puppy, and I ruffled his hair.

I tried to smile at Lei, but I still felt ridiculously guilty for what happened to Feng and Deshi and the rest of her friends and family. "Hey-ya, babe. You look good."

Her smile was twice as fake as mine. It looked like she might burst into tears at any given second, and I didn't think I could handle that. "Gojyo… You. You're all right…"

"Oh. Yeah. Just a couple scratches. No big deal."

Lei didn't look even slightly convinced, and next to me, Hakkai muttered something under his breath.

Slowly, Lei came across the room to me, stood face to face with me, so I could smell her, like flowers in the spring, and I had to remember that I'd never fucked her. She searched my eyes a moment, and then she reached up to run her hand down the side of my face, "I'm glad you're all right."

"Yeah." My voice was ridiculously quiet now, and I didn't think I could raise it if I wanted to, maybe because it would hurt too much, or maybe because it just didn't feel right.

Lei leaned forward to wrap her arms around my neck and buried her face in my shoulder.

I hugged her around the waist, threading my fingers through her hair. I could smell perfume on her and feel her heart beating against my chest. I closed my eyes so I could really appreciate how different she was from the last psycho bitch who'd been this close to me.

Hakkai's voice said softly, "Come along, Goku. Let's go up and have a word with Sanzo."

I didn't know exactly why he wanted to give us some space, but I was glad he did, because I really wanted to kiss Lei, and I figured she'd feel embarrassed if I did it in front of them. Now that everything was finally calm again, I might actually get the chance to go to bed with her.

Or my injuries might make that completely impossible.

The two of them walked away. I heard them go up the stairs, murmuring to each other.

I squeezed Lei a little tighter, "I didn't expect you to hang around this long."

"Why not?"

"I dunno'. You didn't have to, is all."

"I wanted to… I didn't think I could leave, not knowing if you were….going to make it or not."

I pulled back, hands still on her, gave her a kiss on the cheek and lingered there, "You're sweet."

Lei ran her fingers through my hair.

I moved in to press my lips to her mouth.

At the last second, she turned her face away.

I looked her in the eyes a long time, "Hey…"

She was looking at me through her eye lashes, eyes almost pink, and her voice was extra soft, "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I wanted you for so long…I like you so much."

"That's nothin' to be sorry for." I grinned. "I like you too."

"You don't understand. After everything that's happened, I'm just not sure it's right."

"Right?" The idea confused me. I didn't see how it could be anything but right. "I-"

"For a little while there, I was stupid enough to believe that if I was nice to you, and I showed you I cared about you, and I gave myself to you, you'd stick around and be with me. I know now that never would have happened, but it doesn't matter anymore. I have to leave."
"Yeah, so how about I give you a proper goodbye?" I made another move to kiss her, but she pushed me back.

She turned away.

I was feeling more and more confused by the second. "Lei? What's wrong?"

Now she had her arms folded, holding herself, like she was cold, "Too much… Too much has happened, Gojyo. I'm not the person I was when we met—far from it—I hardly know who I am or what I'm like or what I should do next. It wouldn't be fair."

"Don't worry about that." I put my hand on her arm, "You don't hafta' worry about being fair to me."

For a moment, she was quiet. "Why is that?"

What a good question. I wasn't sure I knew the answer, and at the same time, I knew exactly what it was. Either way, I shrugged, "It just doesn't matter. You're not gonna' hurt me or nothing."

More silence. She snorted, "You're really something, Gojyo, just assuming I can't hurt you. What is it? Don't you have any feelings?"

"Um. No…I mean. Yeah. Sure, but…"

She waited, and I tried to figure it out. Why didn't it matter if she was fair to me? I didn't like the real answers: either it was because Lei, as a person didn't actually matter to me, so she couldn't hurt me, or it was just that my self-esteem was so damn low, it couldn't get any worse.

Man, I didn't like any of that, but she was still waiting for me to tell her, so I just scraped the hair back from my face, like an idiot, and said, "I'm not that delicate is all."

She looked like she didn't quite believe me, but she moved on, thank God. "Not that it matters. I meant it wouldn't be fair to me."

I was quiet. This wasn't going the way I'd wanted.

"After everything I've been through in the last couple of weeks, and the role you've played in it all, I don't think I should. I think it would be…self-destructive of me."

At last, I lowered my eyes, "I'm sorry. For Deshi and Feng and Hu….and everybody else. I'm sorry that I-"

Lei put her hand on my arm, lightly. "I don't mean it's your fault, Gojyo. I mean the way you've been there for me, or at least tried to be there for me. I have to admit, I don't think I understand you at all, but I think you're one of the sweetest boys I've ever met, and I know you would have done everything you could to save my village and my friends, and Deshi."

I didn't know about the sweet thing, but she was right about that last part. I knew I would have too. I would have sacrificed my own health and safety to prevent that shit.

Maybe that was why I wasn't worried about her hurting me. I was born to be the goddamn fall guy.

"There was some part of me that honestly believed that…if I could just be with you, it would change my whole life. Fix it. Make me finally see that I am worth something."

Her voice fell, her hand slipped away, and she all but whispered, "I know though. I know I'm just another girl to you."

"C'mon, you don't really think that, do you?"

She met my gaze again, "I know it. And it's okay. It's just not what I'm looking for."

I rubbed the back of my neck, "Right."

"I have to be fair to myself. I don't think I'm at a point where I should be too intimate with someone I'm never going to see again. Like I said, too much has happened."

Slowly, I lit a cigarette, "I understand." Suddenly I wondered if Hakkai had taken Goku upstairs because he knew this was going to go this way and he didn't want to watch me fall on my face.

"I hope that's true. I really wanted to be able to say goodbye to you."

"So. You goin' home?"

"I don't think so."

That startled the hell out of me, "You're not?"

"I can't think of any reason why I should—that place isn't home, and so many of my friends are dead now. It will never be home."

"Yeah, but, what about all that stuff you said, about our kind not belonging in the outside world?"

She smiled crookedly, "I've come to understand something. Belonging…isn't really about being in a place, is it?"

I didn't answer, even though I was starting to get that too.

"I'm glad you showed me that, Gojyo."

"Me? Hell…I just…" I just didn't know what to say. I didn't feel like I knew that any better than she did until really recently. "Where're you gonna' go?"
"I'm not sure." Her eyes seemed distant now, and she was staring out the window, "I guess…I really want to experience the world, to really understand what it's like out there, to see if maybe I can belong. I think I'll pick a direction and just go."

"That's really brave."

"I don't think so. It's just the way it is."

With a sigh, and a soft smile, I took her hand in mine, "I think it's brave."

Lei giggled, but even that was different from the first time I'd heard it, less sincere now, and more grown up, sort of tired, like the rest of her, "You're such a flatterer. Do you ever mean anything you say to a girl?"

"Sometimes." I grinned.

"Well, it's no surprise your relationship with your male friends is so much better than anything you've ever had with a woman."

That wiped the grin off my face, "What's that supposed to mean? It's not like I'm a homo or something."

She was still smiling as she shook her head at me, "There's a lot you don't understand, isn't there? You'll figure it out some day."

"Geez, Lei. You're kinda' mean."

"Hm. Maybe." Suddenly, she leaned into me again, wrapping me in another hug, "Look after yourself, sweet boy."

Slowly, I hugged her back, and I still felt confused. She thought I was sweet. She thought I was insincere. I didn't know what to think of her anymore, but I was suddenly sorry she had to go. "You're leaving? Now?"

"I told myself I would go when you woke up."

"That's really sudden. Sure you won't spend the night with me?"

"No, sweetie."

"That sucks." I tried to kiss her again.

This time, she let me, but as soon as our tongues touched, she was pulling away, backing toward the door, still holding my hand, lightly, in her own, eyes kind of shining with tears. "I have to go now."
"…All right…"
"Say goodbye to Goku-kun for me…again."

"Goku? Sure."

She lifted my hand to her lips to kiss me on the broken knuckles, flashed me another gorgeous smile, "I hope…some day, we run into each other again."

"Me too."

"At a better time."

"Hopefully." I tried to smile, but I wasn't used to having a woman walk out on me like this. It made me feel strange and nervous and slightly vulnerable.

She let go of my hand, turned and walked out the door, hesitated there a second, "When you're feeling better, you should go talk to your brother. He's really worried about you."

"Eh? That jerk's still around here?"

"He's hanging around just outside of town, up on the hill. He's really worried."

"'Kay. Thanks for the heads up."

"Goodbye, Gojyo."

"Later, babe."

And she was gone.

I watched her go, staring out the window after her, seeing her red hair gleam like fire under the sunlight, until she rounded the corner and was out of sight, and all I felt was regret.

Sighing, I turned to make my way back up the stairs, to the room, where the guys were. Hakkai and Goku were sitting at the table, talking, and Sanzo had barely moved since I'd seen him earlier.

I walked across to sit back down on the bed, "Goku. Lei says bye."

"I know. She told me b'fore we came inside."

"Then she says bye again. What're you guys friends now?"

"Mmhm. We hung out a lot while you were asleep."

"She didn't fuck you either, huh?" I gave him a devilish smile, but I couldn't help feeling slightly pissed off. When was the last time I put the moves on a chick and had her just…

I waited too long. I shoulda' fucked her the first day I met her.

Goku didn't say anything back to me. Both of them were giving me a strange look.

I shot Hakkai a short glare, "You knew she was gonna' ditch, didn't you?"

"Of course I did. We all did. If I may point out, it didn't seem to bother you nearly this much the first time the two of you parted ways."

That was true. Maybe it was because I had been so preoccupied with everything else that was happening. Or maybe it was because I hadn't tried to do anything with her. I should have made a move sooner.

"Does it really make a difference?" Hakkai asked, like he had somehow heard what I was thinking.

Did it? Did I think I was less of a man, or that I'd lost my touch just because somebody rejected me?

I felt the wound in my stomach, momentarily, and suddenly, I was sort of light-headed and tired. The wound was throbbing. Win some, lose some.

Was I really that upset that I hadn't gotten anything out of Lei, especially after everything that happened? That made me a total pig, didn't it?

The room was spinning a little, so I ground out my cigarette and tried to sit still. My leg hurt too now. Maybe going up and down those stairs really had been a bad idea after all. Turns out I couldn't hack that any better than I could hack Lei openly rejecting me.

Selfish pig.

Pain spread across my forehead and down the bridge of my nose.

Fucking stairs.

"Hey, 'Kai?" I asked drowsily, "Do pigs know that they're pigs?"

They all gawked at me. Even Sanzo looked up to cock his eyebrow at me.

"Pigs?" Goku muttered. "Wha? Wassamatter with ya', you crazy Kappa?"

Even though I was dizzy, I didn't miss the worried look he gave the other two.

"Ah, pigs are not very self-aware creatures, you see, so I somewhat doubt that they do."

"Yeah? Like, if you're crazy, you think you're sane, or something?"

He was silent for a second, "Something like that. At any rate, if you think you're a pig, I suppose that means you're not, for the most part."

"Duh. Ya' don't have a snout, dumbass." Goku added.

"Yeah, thanks a lot, monkey." I laughed. Then I said, cheerfully, "It doesn't really matter. There're a lotta' chicks in the sea."

"Fish." Hakkai corrected, mildly, and he was suddenly standing over me, face looking a little blurry. "And I suggest you go back to bed now, before you pass out."

Sanzo snorted, "I told that stupid-ass to stay put."

"Right before you told me to fall down the stairs and die." I added.

"Now, now." Hakkai interrupted, with one hand on my shoulder. "Really, Gojyo. You are seriously injured."

The last thing I wanted was for my buddy to worry any more. I slung my arms around his waist and rested my head against him, voice muffled in his shirt, "It doesn't really matter, right, man? It doesn't matter she didn't want me."

"Don't confuse not wanting you with simply not taking you."

His voice sounded so far away, I wondered if there was something in my ears.

"Right. So it doesn't matter." I whispered.

"Not at all. Now, please, lie down."

At last, I slumped back over on the bed, feeling heavier than usual, and shut my eyes. In a way, I didn't want to think about any of this ever again. I wanted to pretend the last three or four weeks hadn't happened at all.

I probably wouldn't get that luxury.

"Hey, Hakkai. Where's Jien at?"

"I'm not sure exactly, although, I assume he's still around. I could go and find him, I suppose." He said the words, but I heard the cold reluctance in them.

"Naw, that's cool. I'm used to him not being around."

"Very well then. Try to rest now."

I felt him pull the blankets up over my shoulder, and then I listened to the guys talk for a few minutes, even though, after a while, I could barely make out what they were saying, but it was good to know they were there, and I didn't have to worry about some crazy strong bastard attacking while I was down.

For the first time in forever, I felt like everything was going to be okay.

---

Dokugakuji

Kou sat across camp from me. He had a brooding look on his face, and neither of us had said a word in over an hour. I couldn't think of a damn thing to say right now, and there was really only one thing on my mind.

Gojyo…

Lei said he was hurt really bad. He might not make it. They'd all decided he probably would, but still, they didn't know for sure. My brother could be dying, and there was nothing I could do.

Kou and I had spent the next three or four days after Ryptcore died, making sure that the DethBreed was completely gone. We'd scoured the surrounding area of the town the final showdown had taken place in, and we'd come across a handful of them here and there, some that had fled the town during the fight, some that had been stationed there to wait. We took them all out, and we were happy to do it. We'd laughed and joked with each other, and enjoyed the moment—the calm after the storm—we'd meant to go back to Houtou Castle as soon as we were done. The ordeal was over, and we could go home.

First though, I told Kou, I wanted to say goodbye to my brother. I wanted to apologize for how much of an ass I'd been, and for not understanding him, and maybe even for leaving all those years ago. I wanted to tell him… I didn't really know what, I guess. I just didn't want to leave things as they were, with him not getting where I was coming from. Maybe I just wanted to remind him that he was my brother, and that would never change, even if we'd completely lost touch.

Kou said it was okay, so we went looking for them. Tracking them down wasn't too hard, it was just a matter of finding their trail, and since they were driving, and vehicles weren't common in this area, that wasn't hard. There were parts of the trail that had been washed out by the rain, but it was always easy to find again. We came to a spot where it looked like there'd been a battle—there were traces of blood here and there, gashes in the trees from blades striking the trunks, or branches completely hacked off—I figured that was the work of my brother and his weird blade/chain/staff thing-leaves burned from some high-magnitude source of energy—that would be Hakkai's chi—and empty bullet shells scattered across the clearing—a sure sign of Sanzo—footprints were everywhere.

"Assassins." I decided casually. There was no sign of the 'good guys' field trip, so they were obviously okay. "Or maybe remnants of the DethBreed. Man, those kids can't catch a break."

"I'm not so sure." Kou answered, a little bit starkly. He was a few yards from me, kneeling on the ground, over a corpse. I went to stand next to him.

It was a woman, her body cut in half, arms chopped off, eyes and mouth still hanging open, long, raven hair burned in places. It looked like maybe an animal had ripped into her, but it must not have liked the taste, because most of her was still there.

"Oh, this girl." I stared down at her, long and hard.

"This is the woman that was following them around."

"Yeah, I think you're right. Guess she tried to kill Sanzo after Ryptcore was defeated." Obviously that was a big mistake.

Kou didn't think it was right to leave the body out in the open like that, so we took the time to dig a shallow grave, there in the wet earth, and then we jammed the sword that was lying nearby into the ground as a marker. We moved on.

From there, the Sanzo party's trail led us due south, which was weird, since it wasn't the direction they were supposed to be going, and into a small, shitty, little town. When I saw it, for some reason, I started feeling nervous. Why would they come to this place?

There, we'd come across Lei, who'd been walking with Goku, on the edges of town. I remembered walking up to her, her face was puffy and red, eyes swollen, like she'd been crying, and Goku looked pretty damn close to tears himself. They hadn't acted happy to see me, even though Lei and me were friends, and Goku was ridiculously friendly toward his enemies. They hadn't acted any way at all. Lei had sounded almost cold as she told me what happened, that the crazy youkai woman who'd killed Deshi—which I hadn't known—had torn Gojyo to pieces, and that now he was somewhere between living and dying, probably not going to make it, badly injured…

I could barely hear what she was saying. I'd stopped listening at some point, and all I could think was Gojyo's hurt…Gojyo's dying… I barely cared about details. The person responsible was dead now. There was nothing I could do. I wasn't a doctor; the doctor had already done his best. There was nothing I could do. Hakkai had tried to heal him, and it hadn't been enough. There was nothing I could do. Yaone wasn't even with us, so it wasn't like I could beg her to try to help my brother, and anyway, she might not be able to.

There was nothing I could do.

Just like when we were kids. Watching Mom beating him and kicking the shit out of him and torturing him over and over and over, knowing there was no way to make it stop. Knowing there was nothing I could do.

Right then and there, I should have ran to him. I should have made Goku and Lei show me where he was, and I should have gone and sat on the side of his bed—for days if I had to—and held his hand, and touched his hair and told him it would be okay, like I used to when he was little.

But I hadn't. I couldn't. I didn't think I could go and see him, torn up and bloody and dying. I didn't think I could stomach it, mostly because I hadn't been there—again—when he needed me the most. I'd been somewhere else. I'd let this happen. I hadn't protected him.

I did go to the inn, later. I stumbled into town, dazed and scared, and I'd found my way to the inn they were staying at. It was evening and the place was dark, except for two or three windows lit up on the top floor. My brother was beyond one of those lit up windows, dying. I could barely stand the thought.

Hakkai had been there, outside, looking about as miserable as I felt. 'Just getting some fresh air', he'd explained, but he hadn't smiled. He'd barely even looked at me.

"What happened?" I'd asked.

So he'd told me the whole story, all over again, exactly what Lei had said, with his eloquence and his additional opinions. He'd finished with, "He's so stupid. He shouldn't have done that. He's just so…"

"You shouldn't have let him!" I'd snapped, and suddenly I'd felt rage and resentment mixing with my guilt and my fear.

Hakkai had turned a dark, angry eye on me. "I beg your pardon?"

"You just stood there and let him. You didn't try to stop him? Where the fuck were you at?"

"How was I supposed to stop him?"

"Something! You could have done something!"

"I did everything I could to-"

"If he dies-"

"He's not going to die. And it isn't my fault. It wasn't my responsibility-"

"Oh, I guess you think it was mine."

"Absolutely not. It's clear you've been excused from any sort of brotherly duties since he was a child. He doesn't expect anything out of you, and neither do I."

I'd been so angry at hearing that, I'd almost hit him. The only reason I hadn't was because I could clearly feel the rampant intensity of his chi, and I remembered the startling perception he possessed. So I'd checked myself, begrudgingly, knowing, without a doubt, that he was superior, and he'd trash me.

"Don't come to me and dump all your inadequacies and your remorse on me, Dokugakuji. At least I was there when it happened."

The words had made me feel worse than ever, and they'd been true, so I'd turned away to go back to Kou.

Hakkai had called after me, "Aren't you going to come upstairs and see him?"

"No…I-I can't…"

"Can't? You can't even come up and see his condition for yourself."

"I can't."

He'd answered icily, "You disgust me."

I'd accepted that in silence as well, because I couldn't bear the guilt of knowing I hadn't been there, I couldn't help, I couldn't do anything, I wasn't there when he needed me, and I was afraid.

Besides that, I hadn't brought my power limiter, and if I went inside, I'd have probably been seen, and it would have thrown the whole town into a panic.

"Please." I'd managed to choke out, before I walked away completely, "Can…can you just keep me updated?"

"You expect me to go out and find you every day to tell you how he's doing?"

I knew I had no business asking for favors from the enemy, but I couldn't do anything except repeat myself. "Please."

"I certainly can't be bothered with doing that, Dokugakuji. I have to stay with him. If you want to know how he is, you'll have to come and see him."

We'd left it at that, and the next day I'd fully intended to take my limiter and go to him, but I hadn't needed to. Lei had come, instead of Hakkai, and given me the details about Gojyo's condition. She'd come every day after that.

I still should have gone to see him. I thought to myself.

Why couldn't I? Why couldn't I just…?

If he was going to die, I should have been there with him, every second of every day, but…I couldn't leave Kou. Would he come with me? It didn't help that the Sanzo ikkou was our enemy, and now that the common threat was gone, our truce was over. Should I let that stop me from seeing Gojyo?

All the questions in my mind left me in agony.

That was days ago, and Lei hadn't come today, and I didn't know if that meant no news was good news, or maybe…

I couldn't even think it. I couldn't even imagine a world where my brother was gone. As much as I'd been to him when we were kids, Gojyo had been all that and more. In him, I could see my father, sometimes; I could hear him in Gojyo's laugh. Sometimes, it was almost like he was with me, somehow, living out his life, happy-go-lucky and mischievous, through my half-brother, and it made me think of happier days, when my parents had been in love, and the three of us had been a family. So I'd loved him, recklessly, in place of the family that had been destroyed. Of course, I loved my mother, but, after everything she'd done, after I'd slept with her a few times, resentment started to set in, and after a few years, I think I hated her. I didn't have anything else, so I'd loved Gojyo, more than anything. If I was his world, then he was the brightest ray of sunshine, beaming throughout my dark, unfortunate life. That little red-headed bastard.

It would have been easy to hate him, the way everyone else did—the way Mom did—it would have been easy to say 'you ruined my whole life' and turn my back on him the same way society had. I could have been so cruel. I could have told him his parents must not have loved him, seeing how they killed themselves. I could have told him no one loved him. I could have beaten him too. I could have taken all my frustration and anger out on him.

But I hadn't, because Mom lost her mind, and then that cocky, little bastard was the only thing I had left.

When she stood over him with the axe, ready to end his miserable life, I had thought for a moment that it could be for the best. Maybe he'd be better off dead if this was the way his life was going to be. And I knew that Mom and me could start to have a normal life if he was gone. I had to face it then, that maybe if he died, it would just be better for everyone.

In the end though, I couldn't let her go through with it, because, honestly, I couldn't bear to know I'd let him down, and I couldn't stand to even imagine the world without him.

Of course, the consequence had been that I lost my right to be with him, but at least, no matter where I went, I'd known Gojyo was somewhere, alive, and that he was smart and charming enough to scam his way through life. It was the only thing I could tell myself in order to go to sleep at night.

Now though…now…he could have died, and I hadn't even been there to say goodbye.

I came all the way out here to protect you from Ryptcore, Goj, and you didn't give a shit. You laughed in my face and kicked dirt over my shoes and told me to fuck myself. You didn't even know that's what I came for…the reason I put myself in the middle of all that bullshit.

Suddenly, I wondered if maybe Gojyo never even knew how much I loved him. He knew, obviously, that I was his brother, and that I loved him—he had to know that—but maybe he didn't know just how strong that affection was. It didn't matter that he was grown up now. It didn't matter that he was on the wrong side of this fight. It didn't matter if he was my enemy. I'd do anything to protect him. Forever.

I doubt he knows that…

If he died he'd never know.

I stood up suddenly, walked to the edge of camp, where I could see down the hill, to the little town, nestled there.

Gojyo… What should I do? Go down there?

What if he's dead?

Kougaiji called my name.

"I should be there." I muttered, more to myself than to him. "I should be holding his hand and telling him everything's okay."

Kou said calmly, "Then go down there. I can't think of any reason why you shouldn't."

I couldn't either, and yet…

How could I stand it, seeing my one and only little brother, torn open and unconscious, not even aware that I was there? How could I stand that? It had already been hard enough, seeing him with scraped up knees and a bruised, dirty face.

Just the idea of it brought on a torrent of memories…

I catch him around the waist and swing him up onto counter. He's just seven, but he still seems way too light, because Mom isn't feeding him as much as she should, and I know it. I get out the box of band-aids and the peroxide. Gojyo's just watching me.

"Don't cry."

"I ain't."

I think, You should be.

She just finished beating the shit out of him, so his clothes are stretched his eyes are black, his mouth and nose are bleeding, and there are scrapes on his arms, carved into him by her long nails. Any normal seven year old would be crying.

I haven't seen him cry since he was four or five. It's really awful that a five-year-old figured out that crying will make him look weak and that he can't afford that.

"Are you scared?"

"No."

That's probably true. It's just the way it is, now. It happens almost every day. Nothing to be scared of…

Kou said something, but I didn't hear it. I was too caught up in my memories.

I closed my eyes. It's just the way it is, isn't it, Goj? You just accept the way things are…

I wish you weren't like that. I wish you fought a little harder. I wish you had some damn self-respect.

I don't want to lose you.

"Dokugakuji." Kou called, firmly, "Why don't you come over here and eat something?"

"No thanks. I'm not hungry."

"Beating yourself up isn't going to help your brother."

"Don't talk to me about my brother."

Kou was quiet. I don't usually snap at him like that. After a second, he said, more quietly, "If you're worried about leaving me here alone, don't be. I think we got all the DethBreed taken care of now, so I'll be fine."

I turned to face him again, "You think they're really all gone?"

Kou nodded, "Most of them probably died when Ryptcore did, and the others wouldn't have gotten far. I think it's safe to assume we wiped them all out. So if you want to go and see your brother, I think you should."

"It's…it's not like I don't want to. It tears me up, not being with him."

"Then what's the problem?"

I didn't answer. I didn't know what to tell him. At last I managed to say, "It's been such a long time, Kou. I didn't think about how much we were going to grow apart. I guess I thought I'd never see him again, so it didn't matter."

"Time's cruel that way, my friend."

"He has his friends." I went back to sit down again. "He doesn't need me to be there."

Kou looked back at me, steadily, "That doesn't mean he wouldn't want you to be there."

That made me feel sort of stupid all the sudden, and then I thought I probably seemed pretty cowardly right then. After all, if it were Lirin, I knew Kou would be there in a heartbeat. Nothing would keep him from her.

It was enough to make me change my mind. I got up and went without a word, down the hill.

The day was peaceful and clear, the clouds were fluffy and sparse, and a nice, warm breeze was blowing. I tried to take a deep breath to push back the sick, tense feelings inside me.

I was only part way down the hill when I saw two figures ahead of me, climbing up, not quite side by side. I watched them, curiously, wondering if they were just villagers who were climbing the hill—maybe a couple who'd come up to be alone—in which case, if they saw me, they were going to be scared and run off and raise an alarm in their town.

Or, it could be Lei and Goku. They came together sometimes, I think because Goku didn't want her to go by herself. Or because he couldn't stand to sit by and watch my brother die any longer.

I kept my eyes on the pair, warily, thinking about ducking out of sight. When they got closer, I could see that one of them had long, red hair, and my heart started to pound a little, anxiously.

It could be Lei, I reminded myself. Her hair was as long and as red as Gojyo's, and she'd been dressing like a man for the last few days. It could be Lei. It could be…

Then I heard his laughter ringing out, above the grass and the hills, the wind, and even the sky. That same laugh he'd always had—cheerful, no matter what bad thing was happening. Child-like, no matter how old he got. Confident. Careless. Dad's laugh.

My heartbeat stopped completely. I closed my eyes, because I thought I was going to either pass out or die.

Gojyo… My brother… My one and only little brother… I love that bastard. I love that bastard so much.

The night before Mom tried to kill him, she was gone all night, out on the town, floozing around, drinking and smoking, doing drugs for all I knew. Gojyo and I were home alone. I was eighteen. He was twelve. I wanted to be out on the town myself, but I had to stay with him—I couldn't bring him, and I couldn't bear to leave him alone. So I stayed.

I made dinner—just some crappy microwaveables—and we ate together, bickering and bitching and playing and laughing off and on. I looked across the table at him. His face was looking okay—she hadn't hit him in almost a week—but I'd be stupid to think it was over forever.

He was laughing about something really stupid, bragging about it. He was being an idiot. He'd be a teenager soon, and then, I knew there'd be no controlling him. Gojyo was wild by nature—he had Dad's wild, reckless heart—he didn't go to school, so there was no way to account for what he did on a daily basis, and when he got older, there wouldn't be any way for me to keep him from doing whatever he wanted. He'd probably walk all over me. He'd probably keep letting Mom hit him until the end of time.

That thought made me angry and broke my heart. It made me want to cry, sort of.

Some day, he might hate me. He might resent me. When he became a teenager, he might think I was a total asshole. He might blame me for the things that were happening. If I tried to control him, tried to be his parent, I knew he'd hate me. But what else could I do?

It wasn't too long until his thirteenth birthday.

"Hey kiddo'." I said, when his laughing was finally over. "Can I tell you something?"

"'S'long as it' ain't too heavy, Jien. I'm in a good mood." He always said that when he could tell I was about to get serious on him.

He was in a good mood too. I could still remember the sparkle in his eyes. It had been rare back then—she was starting to get to him, so maybe that was why he'd decided to let her…

"It's not too bad." I had tried to smile. "I just wanted to tell you…"

Gojyo had waited, patiently for a second, before prodding, "Yeah. What?"

"I really love you."

He'd smiled at me and chirped back, "I love you too." Because he was sweet like that back then, but I knew he didn't get it. He didn't understand what I was trying to tell him. He didn't know what love was, and I knew it. Because no one had ever loved him, and I didn't tell him enough for him to associate the way I acted with the fact that I loved him. But I'd told him then, and I'd decided I was going to tell him every day for the rest of his life.

The next morning, Mom tried to kill him, and I had to leave.

Gojyo was probably a completely out of control, reckless, stupid teenager, all without me. And he probably had no idea that I loved him. He probably didn't remember that I'd told him that the night before I left. If I were him, the only thing I would remember would be that I'd left without a word.

I do though. I love that little bastard so, so much.

Even now.

Gojyo and Hakkai were almost to me now, and they'd noticed I was there. When they were closer Gojyo shouted, "What, you couldn't come down and meet us? I almost died, you know."

That flippancy was just like Dad too. I could remember all the bullshit excuses he'd given Mom for coming home late when everyone in town knew it was because he'd been with her all night.

The sound of his voice made me want to scream. It took all of me not to run the rest of the way to him and grab him. Instead, I took a deep breath and waited for them to reach me. It only took a couple more minutes, and that gave me time to compose myself.

Gojyo looked a little beat up, with some bandages wound around his head and a few band-aids slapped on his face. He was wearing a black t-shirt and some blue jeans instead of his normal outfit, and I couldn't see any of the damage Lei had told me about, aside from his right arm, which looked like it was bandaged all the way from the wrist up. The crisp white bandages had a few specks of fresh blood on them. Other than that, he seemed okay. He was walking kind of slow, limping a little, movements stiff, but he wasn't dead.

I stared at him, trying to manage my relief.

"Well, look who it is. I thought you woulda' gone back to India by now. I almost didn't believe Lei when she said you were still around."

My voice was outrageously quiet and sincere compared to his, "I couldn't leave when I knew you were hurt."

"Oh, yeah, sure. Well, I'm okay now, so you can quit your worrying and head out." He flashed me an insolent grin and lit a cigarette.

I glanced at Hakkai. He hadn't said anything yet, but his chi had calmed down, pretty much back to normal, even though his expression was a little bit darker than usual, and I figured he didn't like it that Gojyo had climbed all the way up to see me, which made me wonder how much they'd argued about coming up here. I couldn't even imagine how Gojyo had won that argument, other than he was just so ridiculously stubborn. He'd probably said 'I'm going whether you like it or not', and then Hakkai had no choice but to follow him. He was standing pretty close to him too, as if he expected him to pass out at any given moment.

Maybe Gojyo was close to passing out, because he suddenly hooked his arm over Hakkai's shoulder and leaned on him, more heavily that usual.

I didn't even care about whatever bullshit, glib thing he'd just said—I'd already forgotten what it was—go figure he was going to act like an asshole when I'd been worried sick for the last week straight. I moved forward a little, still trying to figure out what to do with the uncontrollable yearning to hug the shit out of him. "Are you okay? Lei talked like you were hurt really bad."

"Not that bad."

"She said you've been unconscious the last five or six days."

"Um. I guess so. No big deal though-I'm cool."

Hakkai shook his head slightly, and then he suddenly shrugged out from under Gojyo, "Ah, you'll have to excuse me, you two."

Gojyo turned to him, "Where're you going?"

"Just over here. I see a bed of wildflowers I'd like to look at."

"Weirdo. Make sure to bring me back a bouquet."

Hakkai hesitated to give him a long look, an expression I couldn't read, but that I perceived as either extreme anger or immense sadness. I didn't get him well enough to know what it was.

Gojyo must have gotten it though, because he murmured, a little more seriously than the first time, "I'm okay."

Hakkai touched his shoulder for the briefest moment, cocked his mouth in a contrite smile, and then went on his way to the flowerbed, which was about a hundred yards from us, and was probably just out of earshot. I figured he was giving us privacy. Or else he was as weird as he acted and actually wanted to look at flowers.

My brother watched him go before looking at me again, "That kid's so freakin' weird."

"He's really been worried about you, hasn't he?"

"I guess everybody has."

"You almost died."

"That's what they told me. Anyway, I just came up here to show you I'm okay, and to say goodbye, since you're probably going back to India now that that psycho and his army are dead. So, until next time." He gave me a quick salute, and then turned around.

"Wait a minute, Goj."

He turned back, slowly, in a way that made me think he didn't want to face whatever I was about to say.

My mind reeled. Earlier, I'd had so many things I wanted to tell him, and now that he was here, I couldn't think of a damn one of them. Something about apologizing.

Better run with it.

"I'm sorry."

He kept smoking, calmly, "'Kay. For what?"

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

"Not a big deal." He shrugged. "I was pretty much out of it for the whole thing, so I didn't even notice you weren't around."

"Not… that isn't what I'm talking about. I mean before. When you were a kid. I'm sorry I just took off that day and never came back."

He was quiet a moment, and then he just shrugged again, "No big deal. I did okay."

"I'll never really know if that's true, will I?"

Gojyo just shrugged one more time, and then said, "I don't really give a shit anymore, Jien."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, I don't know why you did what you did, and I don't care either. It was a long time ago—I turned out the way I turned out—and yeah, shit might have been easier if you'd stuck around. It's not like I've never thought about that, how much different life would have been if you didn't do what you did, but it doesn't matter now. It doesn't matter if you were just in shock, or if you were too guilty to face what you did, or if you hated me after that and couldn't hang around, or if you knew you'd have to go on the lamb for a while and couldn't drag a kid with you. I've got all your excuses made up for you." He flashed a charming, Gojyo grin.

Slowly, I answered, "The situation I left you in…the things you must have went through…"

He waited for me to finish, then he glanced over at Hakkai, who was standing near the flowerbed, watching us, not even pretending he wasn't watching us. "Forget about it, Jien. Even if shit woulda' been easier when I was a kid, having you around to fight my battles for me all the time, I kinda' like the way things are now."

I sighed and gave in, "I'm glad."

"I don't know why you left, exactly, but…I get it…and I don't hold it against you. The last few weeks have been really fucked up, so I'm sorry if I said anything to make you think that I hate you for it, or something. I don't."

"Right." I tried to smile. "None of it really matters anymore, huh? All that shit…twelve years ago…who cares, right? It's not important anymore."

His face turned uncharacteristically serious, "Yes it is. You're the only reason I'm alive right now; I never forgot about that, Jien."

It warmed my heart a little bit to hear him say that. Strange. It felt less brotherly to me, all the sudden, and a little more like I was his parent. Like I was some long-gone father who'd taken off years ago and then came back to apologize when the guilt was too heavy, and now he was telling me it was all right, because he'd already forgiven me.

"So drop the bullshit, let's shake, and I'm gonna' go-"

I grabbed him by the collar, suddenly, yanking him forward and wrapping him in a bear hug, lifting him off his feet.

"Shit!" Gojyo squawked.

"God, I'm glad you're okay. You scared the crap outta' me, Goj."

"…I know."

"Don't ever do that to me again, got it?"

"Right. Sorry."

I held onto him tight—but not too tight—for a little while longer. I kind of wanted to hold onto him forever, and keep the good memories close, remember the things that made me love him so much, but I had to remember that he wasn't seven anymore. He was a man. He was the enemy. Those days were gone forever, and yeah, they were really important, but I couldn't get them back, and I didn't even want to try. I just wanted to be near my brother for a few more minutes before everything went back to normal.

How shitty is that? The kid had to almost die for me to think this way.

Gojyo patted me on the back, kind of like he was tapping out, "I said I'm sorry, all right, Jien? It'll never happen again, I swear."
Still, I didn't let go. I said, almost to myself, "I don't know what I would do if something happened to you."

That shut him up, and he was still a while.

I closed my eyes.

When some time had passed that way, I finally let him go again, and he was staring at me weird, like he didn't really get what had just happened. He looked young and vulnerable to me.

Chuckling, I reached out to ruffle his hair. "You're such a pain in the ass."

"So're you."

I left my hand resting on top of his head for a minute. I didn't want to walk away from him yet, I guess. I wanted to tell him about the things I'd been thinking all morning, and all week really, about what he really meant to me, and how much I actually cared about him, and how I'd been trying all this time to just protect him from Ryptcore, and even the revival, if I could. In the end, all I could say was, "I'm sorry if I've been an ass the last few times we've seen each other. I was just worried about you."

"It's okay."

I smiled, sadly, "You know…no matter what happens, no matter where I go or what either of us do, no matter how old you get, or how much you change, or who else is in your life, you're always going to be my little brother."

"Yeah, I know, Jien."

I put my arm around his neck in one last, quick embrace, and this time I even went so far as to kiss him on top of the head before letting him go. "I gotta' go now. Be careful going back down the hill."

"Yeah, yeah. Have a nice trip."

For a moment longer, I looked at him, and I wondered why I couldn't say all the things I really wanted to say. Because I thought he wouldn't accept them, or because I thought he might laugh? No. Maybe I just felt like I didn't need to. He had to know already, didn't he? If he didn't—if he was actually that dense—that was his hard luck, wasn't it?

But then, as I was walking away, back up the hill, I thought of what I'd told myself that night, when Mom was away, back when Gojyo was all I had, just before everything in my life went really, really wrong.

I'd known he was going to be beyond my reach soon, and now he really was; I'd realized he wouldn't know love if it punched him in the face, that he didn't realize I loved him, and maybe now he got it a little bit better, but probably not much. Whatever the case, I had told myself that night, promised myself really, that from now on, I was going to say it to him all the time, and maybe, some day, he'd get it.

I didn't get to go through with that promise, but maybe that didn't mean I should give up on it completely.

"Hey." I turned back, suddenly.

He was just standing there watching me, looking bewildered. "Yeah?"

I pointed a single finger at him, "I love you."

This time, he didn't smile and sing out, 'I love you too', like when he was twelve. This time, he just sort of cocked his eyebrow at me and nodded. "'Kay."

The idiot.

I laughed a little to myself and then continued on my way up the hill, "Later, bro."

"Later."

I passed Hakkai, who was watching us from a distance, not paying any attention to his damn flowers, paused beside him just long enough to say, "Look after him for me, would'ja'?"

He answered, "I don't really need to."

"Do it anyway."

"Oh, very well then." He sighed, and then added under his breath, "Of all the thankless tasks to be handed…"

That had me laughing a little more, and I went back up the hill, and they went back down the hill.

Kou greeted me at the top, "That didn't take very long."

"I didn't have to go very far."

He hesitated, "Is everything okay now?"

"Guess so. Looks like that brat's gonna' survive after all."

"Congratulations."

"I guess that means we can go home now. Man, what a crazy couple of weeks, huh?"

"Absolute madness. You're sure you're ready to go?"

"Whenever you are." I thought a moment, and then said, "Thank-you, by the way."

"What for?"

"You didn't have to come out here and fight Ryptcore with me."

"Don't be ridiculous. I already told you, I didn't want that maniac loose in Shangri-La, minus wave or no minus wave. Your intentions just so happened to coincide with my own."

It was the first time I'd ever decided to do something like this, on my own, independent of Kougaiji's will. The first time in seven years I'd done something for myself instead of for him. Still, when I told him I had to go and try to help my brother, I hadn't expected him to tell me he was going to come too. For all I knew, what he was telling me now was true. Why shouldn't it be?

"I'm grateful either way, Kougaiji." I bowed at the waist.

He turned away from me to look toward the west, and after a moment, said softly, "If it were Lirin…I'd do the same thing."

"Siblings." I sighed, "What a pain the ass, huh?"

A slow grin etched across his face, "The absolute worst."