I started this fic almost exactly three years ago now, gave up on it more than once, changed the plot a couple different times, switched gears half-way through, got totally lost, and almost gave up hope, but thanks to the continued interest and constructive criticism of you readers, I finally managed to get it all on track and pull it together. I'm still not thrilled with parts of it, but I'm satisfied, and I'm grateful for your support.
That being said, I'm sorry that it's finally over, but I definitely don't want to overwork it. I've got a couple other Saiyuki fics still in the works—check them out if you've got the time.

Thanks again

-Zaney

Goku

Sanzo and me waited, just outside the town. We already ate breakfast, and we were all stocked on supplies, the sun was shining, the sky almost cloudless, and there was a nice breeze blowing over the grass, bringing the smell of fresh-baked bread, mouth-watering fruits and roasted meat out of the market. I sat on the grass, and Sanzo stood there, smoking. I studied his face, but he looked way calmer than he had in a long time.

For a while there, when Ryptcore was hunting us, and the team was separated, and Kougaiji was with us every step of the way, Sanzo had seemed really bothered: his face had shown it, his voice had told it, and I could always smell the stress on him. There had been a couple times when I'd thought he was gonna' lose it. Or maybe that he was just never going to be able to relax again. It was good to see him looking normal again.

I laughed.

Sanzo didn't look at me, just took a drag on his cigarette, "What's so funny?"

"Nn. It's nothin'. Just, everything's okay again."

He didn't even snort.

I glanced all around, staring in every direction, almost thinking I'd see a group of soldiers or assassins coming over the hills, or a lone figure, watching us carefully, but there was nothing around for miles but soft, green grass. It made me smile.

"What, are you nervous?"

"Naw. I'm… I'm glad. I'm glad we're okay again—I'm glad stuff's normal."

I guess he didn't have anything to say, but he looked kinda' glad too, even if he'd never admit it. His eyes were clear and his frown was soft, forehead almost not wrinkled at all.

Gojyo woke up two days ago, and he still wasn't totally healed, but Sanzo wanted to keep moving on, 'cause we'd already wasted enough time, and we were already off-course, and nobody argued with him. I think everybody just wanted to get going and put all the stuff that had happened behind us as soon as possible, even if that meant just running out and facing the next challenge head-on.

I knew that I definitely felt that way. Everything had gotten to be so weird and so dangerous and so confusing, and we'd all come so close to losing each other, it would almost be good to get back to driving every day and facing assassins and focusing on protecting the sutra, and hopefully it would be a long time before we ran into the next crazy-strong, psychotic villain that wanted to kill us.

"Hakkai's chi feels like it's calmed down a lot." I said. It took him a few days to chill out, but now he felt pretty much normal again, to me anyway, and he was acting more normal too. Sometimes, I still saw him staring out the window or glancing over his shoulder, and sometimes he looked down at his hands and mumbled, but he said he was okay, and for the first time in a while, I actually believed him.

"It's weird how much that lady got under his skin."

I could see why though, even from just the way she'd been acting during our last fight with her. She was really messing with his head, telling him crap about being free and talking about killing all of us.

At last, Sanzo answered, "Hakkai still has a lot to deal with, concerning his past, even if he doesn't show it every day. As annoying as it is, I expect there to be plenty of things like her that will get under his skin and almost take his sanity from him."

A little worried, I looked up at him again, "I don't get it though. What'd Jade hafta' do with Hakkai's past? Did he meet her before?"

Sanzo shook his head, "She was just a reminder. Everyone has things like that."

Maybe he was right. I had stuff that made me remember my past too, like how I used to be scared of snow, or the way I used to be afraid to be alone, 'cause I thought everybody would leave me. Now it was weird to think that those things ever bothered me. My friends helped me get over them, and these days, I didn't think about that stuff very much, but I still had to get through things sometimes.

"That's kinda' sucky." I said, laying down in the cool grass to look up at the sky, "I wouldn't want anybody bringin' up crappy stuff outta' my past."

"No." Sanzo said, kinda' quiet. "That's not something anyone ever wants to face; things like that are hard to overcome."

"We did it though. All the stuff's that's happened in the last few weeks, we still got through it."

"Barely." He snorted.

"We did though. Sometimes…" I paused, took a short breath, "Sometimes, I wasn't sure we were gonna' make it. I thought we were gonna' lose somebody, or we weren't gonna' be tough enough."

"Hn. I'm surprised; you seemed more self-assured than any of the rest of us."

I thought about it, tried to explain it, 'cause he was right—I'd spent a lot of time telling him it would be okay, after Hakkai and Gojyo left us—but there wasn't any time to be really scared, 'cause I knew that would defeat us.

"I just…I knew that if we all stuck together, we'd be okay. The thing was, I didn't know what was gonna' happen. I mean, we almost couldn't stick together. I told myself we'd all be together again, eventually, but I was never sure. I just knew that, if we wanted ta' win, and we wanted ta' make it out alive, we had ta' do it as a team."

I looked up and saw him staring hard at me, like he was trying to make sense of what I was saying, and I thought maybe I wasn't explaining it good enough.

"None of us really like bein' on a team, I know. I mean, I don't really mind it, but I guess teamwork's not our thing, yeah? Still, I think it's kinda' nice, always having people around who ya' know you can count on, and maybe the only reason any of us got outta' this was 'cause of the team. If ya' think about it, any time we got split up, or we tried ta' do stuff on our own, somethin' bad happened, or we just didn't get very far, but when the four of us were together, we beat everybody, really easy."

Sanzo was still staring at me funny.

I smiled at him, "Maybe bein' on a team's not the best thing in the world, an' maybe none of us really like it, but it'sa' lot better than bein' alone, I think. Especially if there's always gonna' be weird stuff goin' on that makes us think of our pasts and gets under our skin."

Like it or not, nobody on this team had a good past, and this time around it seemed to me like everyone was facing stuff that really bothered them. Even me, as much as I'd been sure we were all gonna' find our way back to each other and get out of that mess, I'd been really afraid to lose all my friends and to be alone all over again.

It didn't matter so much, being in that cage all those years. I coulda' been anywhere, and it still woulda' sucked, just 'cause I was alone, and I didn't wanna' be alone like that ever again.

Sanzo sighed, "If that's what you think, Monkey."

"I don't wanna' be alone." I told him quietly. "I'd rather be on this team, doin' this quest thing than be all by myself somewhere."

He looked away from me again, staring out over the grass, a weird look on his face, like he was remembering something he didn't like to think about, and I wondered how much all this had made him think about his past.

"I don't think you ever will be." He mumbled.

Kinda' confused, I glanced up at him, "Wha?"

Sanzo didn't answer, and he didn't look at me. For a long time, we were quiet.

"Goku."

"Mm. Yeah?"

He was quiet again. Maybe he didn't know what to say.

I just waited.

"There were definitely times I honestly believed those two bastards were never coming back."

That was a weird thing for him to say, so I just nodded, "I know."

"But you were so sure. Like you knew something I didn't."

"I just-"

"I don't care why you thought they would—I thought maybe you're just a stupid monkey and you didn't know any better—reasons don't matter."

"'Kay." I didn't get what he was trying to say now, but I got the feeling he wanted to tell me something, so I kept waiting.

At last, Sanzo sighed, "As annoying as it was, I'm glad you didn't give up. More than that though…I'm glad you didn't go with them."

It wasn't every day he said something like that. It kinda' blew my mind. I sat up, fast, twisted around to stare at him.

He was looking back at me, real steady, not blinking or flinching or nothing. "I'm glad you stayed with me, even if it wasn't exactly what you wanted to do."

Not even thinking about it, I said quietly, "I always wanna' be with ya', Sanzo."

More time passed, and neither of us said anything, but we looked each other in the eyes, and the wind blew through his blonde hair, and I knew it was true. Even if these days I wasn't so scared to be alone, and I wasn't as nervous about getting left behind, like I used to be, I still always wanted to go wherever Sanzo went, for as long as he'd let me, so even though I felt torn between helping Hakkai and Gojyo, and being with Sanzo, I'd stayed, 'cause in the end, that was where I belonged. Next to him.

Sanzo smiled, really, really slightly, like he did sometimes—sometimes when it was just me and him—and then turned away again, went back to smoking.

I smiled too, and inside, I felt good. Warm and safe and happy, like eating a big, delicious, home-cooked meal. Whatever was behind us didn't matter now, and whatever happened next, I knew it'd be okay. As long as we could fight together, I knew I had people I could always count on, and I'd never let them down.

Way up on the hill, I saw Hakkai and Gojyo come into view. I guess they musta' already found Dokugakuji and talked to him, and now they were done, but they were really far away, like tiny flecks of red and green against the blue sky.

"Hey!" I jumped to my feet, "There're the guys!" I waved really big and sprang in the air, "Hey, guys!"

Sanzo sounded annoyed again, "Would you keep it down, monkey? They can't even hear you."

I turned to him, laughing, "So let's go up an' meet 'em!"

"Then go up and meet them."

"Let's go together!"

He glared at me for a moment, and I thought he'd say no, that he didn't feel like it, and that since they went all the way up there, they'd have to come to us.

Instead, he suddenly snorted and threw his cigarette down, grinding it into the dirt with his heel. "Fine. We'll go together."

Hakkai

We stood on the hill and looked down over the valley, to the shabby town we'd spent the last week holed up in, toward the west where I could see the road and the mountains, stretching away, endlessly, it seemed toward our exotic destination. Sanzo and Goku were out there, moving toward us, picking their way across the grass, seeming to take their time, and I could barely make out the ringing sound of Goku's laughter and chatter.

"It's all over." I murmured, and deep within, I felt as if I sighed and a heavy weight fell from me.

Behind me, I heard Gojyo's lighter flick open, then closed again, as he lit a cigarette. The potent scent of tobacco pervaded the air, and I'd never felt so glad to smell that in my life. "Don't sound so damn disappointed."

Even after two days, I still felt that I couldn't quite bring myself to joke with him. I couldn't quite forget the things I'd put him through, and I wasn't sure I could forgive myself just yet. At the moment, I was still busy being grateful that he was alive, and that I was sane, that the team was relatively unharmed, and that things could continue status quo.

I felt much better now, in the peace and the quiet. For days, I'd felt like a caged animal, constantly raging against captivity, angry and frightened and confused. I had thought that my energy would return to normal after Jade died, but that had not been the case, due to the circumstances, and it had taken a long time, and plenty of concentration, to relax enough to finally begin to settle down once more. For the first time in what seemed like months, I felt normal again. I just felt like Hakkai, not some rabid beast, thirsty for blood and violence, and that was a good feeling, if I'd ever had one.

"I wonder what it was about her." I mused to myself.

"I have absolutely no fucking clue—that bitch was crazy, sadistic, heartless, and a barely-average lover, so unless your taste in women is really screwed up, I have no idea what it was."

I turned that over in my mind. Despite his cynical, dismissive tone, I found that I couldn't argue with any of that, "I thought…at times…it was possible she had me under some sort of enchantment."

I heard Gojyo hesitate, then he answered slowly, "What, like a spell?"

"Possibly, though, I'm sure I'll never know now. I was never aware of any sort of anomalies that might have indicated such enchantment, but she made it clear on more than one occasion that she had powers beyond that of most youkai. There were even moments when it seemed that she was able to project herself into my mind." I considered the sinister conversation we'd had in the inn that night, and I felt chilled, deep inside. Even now, I still didn't know if she'd honestly been there, or if I'd imagined it.

"You know." Gojyo sighed, "I'm not sure I really give a shit what her deal was. She dead, and I wanna' forget her."

"Yes, I think I agree with you, though I'm afraid it may be a bit hard for me, even after everything she tormented us with." Terrible things: that feeble grasp on my sanity, that desire to have freedom as a youkai, attacking Sanzo on the mountain, tearing into Gojyo's neck with my own teeth, attempting to kill Goku, all because some woman had bewitched me in some way or another. I said, even more quietly, "I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forget. That's not my strong suit, exactly, is it?"

He hooked his arm around my neck, suddenly, and I hadn't even realized he was standing so close to me. "Strong suit? Heh. You suck at forgetting stuff."

"I'm afraid that's true." Slowly, I turned to look at him, relieved still by how strong and vivid he looked now, in comparison to the way he'd spent the last several days. He'd passed so many hours lying still and looking pale and gray, as if fading away, and even after he'd come to again, he'd appeared very frail and weak to me, in spite of his common, knee-jerk insistence on being 'tough'. At times, that denial of weakness and that irresponsibility and carelessness had made me want to smack him, but at the same time, I knew it was part of his recovery process to pretend he was doing better than he actually was. Looking at him now flooded me with a profound sense of contentment and reprieve, and listening to his casually offhanded remarks gave me an odd sense of peace.

"I'm glad you're okay."

He was looking back at me with unusually serious eyes. "Yeah, yeah, that's all you've said for two days straight. Just don't worry about it."

"That's easy for you to say, I'm sure. I don't know what I would have done if you'd…" I couldn't so much as choke out that last word.

"You woulda' been okay."

"I'm not so sure, Gojyo."

"Well, it didn't happen anyway, right?" He grinned at me suddenly, "Life goes on, okay? So chill out."

I sighed, but I couldn't quite hold back a smile as well, "Honestly. You'd think after all this time I would have finally figured out what to do with you, and yet I still don't know."

"Not much you can do, pal."

"It seems you're right. I'm to be plagued by your insensitive flippancy forever. But I'm not that way, and so you'll have to excuse me if I brood over it for a bit longer."

"'S'long as it's not too long. You're makin' me nervous."

"Then I'll try to keep it to myself; however, you know…"

I stopped myself and stared down at my shoes for a long time. Here I was, in this beautiful world, even when it seemed I should have been dead long ago, and even though my life was far from perfect, there was still so much I had to be grateful for. I could see how my behaving so moodily could be rather tedious, after a time. It occurred to me that perhaps I had no excuse to be that way at all. Perhaps his flippant approach to the world, even if he was so extreme as to say 'it doesn't matter that I nearly died, because I didn't, and life proceeds', could be a better way to face such drama after all. It could be I might be able to learn something from that.

"Um? Hakkai?"

With a vague laugh, I looked up again, smiling brightly—much more brightly than I had ever since Jade first appeared—"Excuse me. You know, I think I just realized something."

"What's that?"

"I can be a terrible bummer, can't I?"

Gojyo rearranged his cigarette and shrugged. "Sometimes. So?"

"Personally, if I were you, I would find it somewhat frustrating."

"It is. But…I dunno', whatever. That's how you are."

For a brief moment, I touched his shoulder, "I appreciate your tolerance."

"You bein' sarcastic?" He cocked his mouth in a faint, almost grateful kind of smile, and I knew perfectly well that he felt as relieved by my safety and health as I did by his.

"Not at all, this time."

"This time…"

"Still, perhaps it makes more sense, in its own way. The events of the last month have been nothing short of horrific, in my mind, and I've been personally responsible for a good share of them, and I'm afraid I probably can't make amends for some of the things I did while temporarily insane. And yet, I'm afraid that this time, I may have to simply refuse to apologize, Gojyo—after all, you were the one who insisted on fighting her alone."

He was staring at me, eyes a little wide, as if he hadn't been expecting to hear that.

I smiled, all the more affectionately, "Honestly. Just how stupid are you?"

Gojyo burst out laughing, "Hey, man. I don't know if this new attitude is much better."

"One can't brood forever though, you know."

He grinned and ruffled my hair, suddenly, "Now you're getting it."

We stood there shoulder to shoulder, silently, and although we'd wandered the wilderness for days without Goku or Sanzo, I felt that it had been forever since we'd been together this way, unfettered by our fear or our sadness or our wounds. Never the less, to me, it was the oldest, most familiar feeling in the world, and I knew, once and for all, that everything really was going to be okay now.

We waited, and in another moment or two, Sanzo, and Goku and Jeep had joined us, and we all stood together on the top of the hill.

"Well, Sanzo, are we ready to go?"

"I've been ready to go since the day we got here. Somebody else has been slowing us down."

"Fuck, Sanzo-sama, give a guy a break. I didn't wanna' come here any more than you did."

"We're really leavin' though, yeah? When're we gonna' stop for lunch?"

"Lunch? Monkey, you just ate!"

"What, like an hour ago!"

I shook my head a bit. "At any rate, it seems that everyone is energetic today, doesn't it? So then. Is everyone ready to proceed?"

Oddly enough, Sanzo and Gojyo exchanged a brief glance, which lingered for a few seconds, and then Gojyo shoved his hands in his pockets, "What the hell, why not? Bring it on, India."

"Whoo!" Goku pumped both his fists in the air, and then took off running, right back down the hill, "C'mon, guys! Let's race! Let's race!"

Sanzo barked after him, "We don't have time for games! And you're going the wrong way, you idiot!"

As they were heading back down, I hesitated to look around, one final time, even though I felt peaceful and unbothered.

In the distance, I thought I saw a figure standing on the hillside. It was hard to make out, but it almost looked like a woman, with long, flowing hair that shone brightly in the sun.

We stared at each other a while.

Perhaps it was all in my head, all along. Perhaps there was no enchantment, no spell, no bewitchment. Perhaps it was all me, trying to reclaim things I can never get back. And perhaps she merely took advantage of that, because I allowed her to.

"Hey!" Gojyo practically shouted, and I realized he was still standing there with me. "The monkey's winning the race—let's go."

I glanced at him, "Oh. What? I'm sorry…I'm just thinking." I turned to look one more time at the mysterious figure, but it was gone, and the hills around me were sunny and clear, my heart felt light and free for the first time in what seemed like years. "Gojyo, did you see something just now?"

He grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled me away, "Not a damn thing."

I smiled, "Ah, neither did I."

Then we walked on, side-by-side.

By and by, he grumbled, "You ever let some blood-sucking slut come between us again, and that's the end of it, sunshine."

"Yes, yes, I remember. 'Bros before hos', wasn't that what you called it?"

"That's right. Just remember, I'm your bro, not your ho, and I don't dig psycho girls."

"What about normal women?"

"They're okay."

"Just okay?"

"They're great. You know. Whatever." He was speaking almost sternly now, and his grip on my shoulder was still firm, "Just don't hook up with anymore maniacal, child-slaughtering lunatics. I'll kick your ass."

"I'll keep that in mind for the distant future, I assure you."

Gojyo smirked at me in an 'I'm only half-joking' manner, finally let me go, and then we went down the hill to join Sanzo and Goku, and kept moving forward into the west.

End