Title: Twist of Lemon Zest
Summary: Ways they never, ways they could of, ways they should of possibly met.
Author: Piparoo!
Length: 4,734
Pairings: Pretty much everything people.
A/N: I am getting all this 'AU' stuff out my system now in these 26 mini-shots otherwise the world will most definately suffer for it. Also, steal any of these and you die. Also, also! Spot the inspiration! XD A game for the whole family to enjoy :D (Blame James for any and all chat-up lines used.)
The one with the late appointment
Soul Eater Evans hated needles; he hated them more than bad action films and foot fungi.
He tapped his foot restlessly on the sparkling clean linoleum floor, his converse making a high pitch wail as he dragged them back across the surface – the receptionist bit her lip and glared at him over the top of her glasses.
Served her right for working with EVIL.
Smug he'd managed to cause at least some discomfort he continued with his musical production of the squeaky tiles – he'd almost mastered Phantom of the Opera! – when the door swung open and the doctor strode confidently out.
"Soul Eater Evans?" he nodded, "I'm Maka Albarn - I'll be administrating the injection."
It was a bit masochistic but suddenly needles were the best type of foreplay he'd ever heard of.
The one with the stolen car
"I'm telling you – that chick was at least a 7."
"Tch, no way. A 4 at best, you only liked her because her breasts were bigger than you." Spirit shot a glare at his nonchalant meister and continued to march down the street in a way that made women swoon – in his opinion.
"She didn't just have big breasts!" He argued relentlessly, "her ass was fine as well." Stein considered this.
"Can I dissect her?"
"No."
"Not interested."
"Do you even have a single, tiny, functioning hormone?" Spirit cut the mad scientists reply off with a dismissive – not to mention effeminate – wave of his hand. "Never mind, just let me stick to picking up the girls ok?"
"Whatever." Stein lit up a cigarette, leaning against a wall and generally giving off the aura of 'I'm a badass, come and get it ladies.' Spirit pretending he was a particularly elaborate piece of graffiti and continued his woman-hunt.
"Her." He flourished a finger, cuffs billowing in a non-existent breeze.
"Who? The blonde? Again? What is it with you and blondes?"
"I like my women like my beer!" Stein made no comment about that ridiculous statement and opted to glare menacingly at a small child – because he was a nice guy like that, "you know I bet she'll totally dig me, she's totally into redheads – I've got a sense for these things, when you're a genius such as myself you automatically respond to the-"
"She's stolen your car."
"Son of a bitch!"
Spirit then proceeded to run his ass of down the street.
("…definitely a 10!" was all he said the next morning.)
The one with the bad stereotypes
Crona liked having her locker on the bottom level; it kind of gave her a reminder of her place in the hierarchy of the school.
She was number two. Liked merely because Maka Albarn deemed her worthy, never going to be any prettier, smarter or stronger than the girl with it all, a sigh escaped her lips and she proceeded to take out her history text book, absentmindedly pulling out the post-it notes she'd used last lesson.
A shadow fell across her back and she became distinctly aware of two strong arms leaning around her wiry frame.
"Ex-excuse me…" she squeaked, spinning round to glare at the inconsiderate idiot who invaded her personal space. The boy had thick black hair, deep golden eyes and kick flipped his skateboard up against the locker next to hers.
Great…Crona internally whined, a skater…
"You new?" She stated bluntly, ready to grab Maka and lay down the ground rules with this punk. He smiled.
"You interested?"
The one with the bank robbery
She probably wouldn't have done this if her mother was around, or if she wasn't stuck in the most prestigious university in the country with not even a dime to her name but then again, she probably wouldn't have been able to do a lot of things with money…
The bank was out of the way enough not to be noticed but just big enough for some cash - she needed this, without it she'd never qualify, let alone feed herself - she spied her victim by the booth toward the back.
A thin girl, long black hair and easy enough to intimidate, it would only take a few well placed threats and her newly acquired notes would be hers – she was also completely, utterly and undoubtedly alone.
Taking a deep breath she headed for the board of offers, not letting the girl out her sights. She didn't want to rush this, had to wait for the right moment…
"Excuse me?" Maka jumped, internally screaming in surprise, spinning on her heel to give the man behind her a cool glare.
"Yes?" The woman had finished signing something, looking over it a few times before heading toward the queue, damn it!
"Do you mind telling me what you're doing in here?" He was a bit of an arse in her opinion, top of the line suit, flawless hair and eyes that make you want to love him – the kind of guy that was raised to expect all to do his bidding.
I'm going to mug that woman, "I'm here for the new offers," she responded bitterly, daring him to disagree, which he did.
"Oh? Well I think-"
"EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING GROUND!" At first Maka froze, fear gripping her system before anger takes its place, this was her heist damn it.
The man next to her looked blank, as if he'd had guns waved in his face before, however the robber was not going to wait around to allow Maka to ask.
"Hey did you hear me bitch?! On the fucking ground!"
Bad idea, she thought forlornly. Her father had been a cop for 20 years and she'd learnt a few tricks of the trade, as soon as the man took another step she grabbed the gun arm and flipped him over, the weapon sliding to the feet of the jackass she'd been talking to earlier.
With easy nonchalance he disassembled the gun just as the police came tearing down the street.
"Good job," he said – a hint of something in his eyes – he took her hand and shook it, "see you around."
When Maka got home she found a plastic business card in her back pocket.
Call me – Death the Kid.
"…arrogant rich boy…"
The one with the musical
Snort.
"Shut up."
Snicker.
"I-I can't…can't help it!"
Soul really didn't know why the symmetry obsessed freak – who he'd met a grand total of 10 minutes ago - was laughing…it wasn't like he was doing any better.
"Yeah, well…you're in a tutu. A pink one." Kid was still hysterical so for added emphasis he tagged on accusingly, "with frills."
"I'm as straight as a protractor."
Damn. Foiled. Soul frowned, it was true – Black Star had warned him of the 'gay factor' if he joined up with this…even if it was for chicks.
"And comfortable with it," the boy apparently known as Kid went on, "you on the other hand…Mr. Macho of the year…" Kid went off giggling once more, nearly crying as he doubled up by the end of it.
"…are you done?" Soul prompted, Kid shook his head, took one look at him and started spluttering once more, "take a picture it will last-"
Flash.
"…did you just?"
"Yep."
"I hate you." Both boys stared each other down, Kid's camera disappeared someone up his sleeve, along with a skateboard, an umbrella and half the prop department, Soul sighed "I'm Soul Eater Evans. Straight, dumped by lazy parents. You?"
"Death the Kid." He smiled, "And not for long Evans."
The one with the betting
"You took my 50 dollars?!"
"Don't get your panties in a bunch Evans!"
"50. Dollars. Cash. My gaming money!" Black Star sighed melodramatically and gave the white haired boy a narked glare.
"And you wonder why women don't find you attractive!"
"They find me more attractive than they do you!" Soul glared at the big-headed idiot he called a friend before glancing round the store, "alright. I know how to settle this."
"Gambling?"
"Gambling." Black Star grinned.
"Right, see those chicks over there?" He gestured to the two blonde girls – possibly sisters - over by the computer game section, "I bet 50 dollars and a week's worth of gloating I can get them to go out with me." Soul gave the other boy a smug glance.
"Deal." They shook, Black Star gestured for Soul to go first.
With a flick of his wrist Soul gestured for the two ladies with his index finger, both girls looked round in confusion before slowly making their way over.
"Hey do I know you?" the eldest asked, Soul winked at Black Star.
"Hey ladies…I just made you come with one finger…imagine what I could do with one hand."
Needless to say, Soul got his money back.
The one with the one night stand
Her hips swung in a graceful arc, pale, almost naked legs glistening with light sweat as she drowned in the pounding bass line. Her long, blonde hair plastered against her forehead and neck, she was dancing like a pro.
Maybe she was. He had no idea…
Her gaze turned on him, sauntering over with the liquid courage hammering round her system.
"Hi," she breathed against his lips, causing his whole body to tense with anticipation "I'm Medusa…"
"Stein," was all he managed as he managed as her hand drifted lower, bunching just under his shirt.
The one where they know but don't really know each other
'Get it, get out and no funny business.'
Those were the last, comforting words her boss had given to her before she set out on her mission, a fancy dress and a fake ID as her only protection.
It was easy enough getting into the party, just one sultry smile at the bouncer and he was putty in her very capable hands.
Then she was among them, the swirling mass of frills and black Armani that she could barely tell one person from the other. That was when she saw him, stood stiffly at the back, one drink in hand looking about as thrilled to be here as she was.
"Hi," she had spoke and moved before she could even question her actions – no funny business – she was only blending better…
"Hi?"
"I'm Liz Thompson," she held out a hand which he reluctantly took, spinning them both off into the sea of expensive fabrics.
"Death the Kid," he replied snippily, a small hint of a smile on his lips; "you're going to rob my father aren't you?" She grinned back in return, his amusement at the situation on fuelling her own.
"Wanna help?"
The one with the Bluetooth
"Hey. Psst!" Marie awaited no response from the obviously uninterested companion before shoving her mobile phone under his nose, "check this out. What kind of dork has 'Frankenstein101' as their ID?!" she snorted, "what a retard huh!?"
The stranger lowered his book, 'anatomy of the human body.'
"…that's mine."
…
"…bugger."
"Quite."
"…when I said 'retard' I meant it in a joking, sisterly kind of way." She fumbled around for words, the stranger's unwavering stare drilling a hole through her skull, "Y'know, like when someone says 'You're gay!' but the person isn't actually gay…right?"
He blinked.
"It's better than 'Miss-Sexy-Blonde' at any rate."
"Yeah that's right – hey wait!"
The one with the closet romantic
Yumi stared down the length of her sniper, eyes narrowed in concentration as target after target was blown to smithereens by her weapon.
She was ruthless, she was unstoppable, she was a cold blooded killer and she was currently being hugged by a complete stranger…
"Hi!" Sang the over-excited mass draped around her form, "I'm Marie, I'm new here and-"
"Miss," Yumi began smoothly, cutting the blonde off mid-introduction, "if you are enquiring about your new rank and housing then you should go to the-"
"Oh no silly!" She cut her off this time, Yumi began feeling the tell-tale signs of a headache coming on, "I found this and I was wondering if it was-" the hard cover, limited edition version of 'Romeo and Juliet' was promptly shoved under Yumi's jumper and the newbie found herself staring down the barrel of a gun.
"Mention this to anyone and you die."
The one with the bad timing
"Hey," Tsubaki regarded the blue haired boy with something akin to mild horror, "fuck me if I'm wrong but is your name Francis?" Unsure whether to slap or throttle the boy the poor weapon settled for staring straight ahead.
There was a pause.
"Do you know my pillow and your hair is perfectly colour coordinated?"
"This," Tsubaki hissed, gesturing at the aggrieved crowd of her loved ones, "is a funeral." The other boy grinned.
"God I don't think we're related if that's what you're trying to-"
"I am trying," she cast a quick glance and smiled nervously at the frowning adults a few seats in front of her, "to mourn the loss of my grandfather!"
"Don't worry; I'll cuddle you all night."
"Sssh!"
"Sorry!" Tsubaki squeaked, the vicar's eyes narrowed slightly before he went back to his reading.
"My name's Black Star, how am I doing so far?"
"SSH!"
Tsubaki slapped a palm to her forehead.
The one with the mortification
Oh god. This couldn't be happening.
If there was a higher celestial being then the act of pure evil that was about to occur would be averted…hopefully in a very subtle, non-embarrassing way.
The cashier cleared his throat and tapped the microphone.
"Wait-" he croaked uselessly but all was lost.
"Price check, extra-pleasure, glow in the dark, ribbed condoms! I repeat: extra pleasure!"
The silence in the store was deafening. A bunch of teenaged boys began giggling at the back.
"When I snap," Asura hissed, glaring at the acne covered shop assistant, "you'll be the first on my list."
And with as much dignity as he could muster the demon-god to be fled from the store, 2 blocks away he finally stopped running.
"Hey, you might wanna wear these for a while till people forget…" a scarf was dropped onto his head, "oh and you forgot these!" along with the pack of condoms. Asura howled in rage, Shinigami beamed with glee.
The one with the hidden agenda
Marie was driving home, this was fairly normal, she had stopped off at Starbucks to grab a coffee, out of her routine journey but still acceptable, a young teenaged boy had just thrown himself in front of her car.
…
In front of…her car…
"Oh my god! I'll have to call you back Yumi!" Dashing out into the street, praying to high heaven there was a ditch near by the unfortunate driver prodded the unmoving boy with the heel of her particularly sharp shoes.
"Psst."
No response.
"Psst, are you dead?"
A grunt.
"No."
"…oh…that's good because I need to get home and drink the rest of my coffee. Do you need a ride?"
BJ smirked, his plan was all falling into place.
The one with the stupid T-shirt
"I think you should know," the pink haired beauty he'd been sat next to for the past 3 hours finally announced, "that I am not stupid."
Ox blinked. He beamed.
"So you're with me then?!"
"…"
The one with the evil parents
"So…" Wes began shifting his weight from foot to foot, looking anywhere but the girl in front of him, "you're my fiancé then?"
"Paedophile."
"I am not!" Maka growled and kicked him sharply in the shins.
"I'm like…50 years younger than you!" Wes looked a cross between offended and in mortal agony.
"I'm only 19!" He whined, still hopping around his living room one foot.
"I'm only 14!" She hissed back, they glared at one another from a safe distance before Wes finally decided to break the silence.
"…I'll get the chainsaw, you get the body bags."
The one in the dungeons
The pain, Crona mused, was nothing. It was the time between her suffering that drove her to the brink of insanity, the endless waiting – waiting for her next meal, for rescue, for death – would she get out?
(Blunt answer? No.)
See the problem with torture was the slowness of it. It wasn't quick. Oh no. But that was the whole point – they wanted to drag it out. Most people assume dying is the greatest fear of any mortal – be it man, woman or child – but in reality…it's the wait that gets you.
Crona allowed a weak smile to crawl across her features, lying in the abyss certainly made you a poet…
"Hey," a weak voice called out from the perpetual blackness, dark, squeaky and a what her voice would probably sound like if she remembered how to use it, "you'll get out of here."
Ragnarok pressed his hand to the cool stone separating them.
"You'll get out…"
The one with the evil ex-boyfriend and tub of ice-cream
"I mean come on! She's what…25!? He's only 18 it's practically illegal! And she's huge. I am not even kidding; you could fit like…4 cars in her clothes. This is why I'm eating ice cream ya see, if he wants a big girl than I'll eat my body weight in rocky road." The stranger nodded slowly.
"Right."
A martini later…
"I'm not bitter! He's clearly going through one of those 'elastic band' phases, I didn't mean to wash his underwear with my red jumper but he just had to make a deal out of it! Do you think it was the underwear thing? Maybe my breasts aren't big enough. Here. Feel my chest! Is that too small for you?"
"Um…"
"It is! Don't beat about the bush. I can see it in your eyes. Do you think surgery is in order? I know this great doctor and-"
5 shots later
"…he never slept with me! NEVER! I bet he sucks, all those stupid 'cool' references…he was so compensating!"
"Well not everyone can be as godly as-"
"Preach brother! Speaking of church did I tell you when he-"
2 pints of beer, another shot and a bad sing along later…
"…this was our song…he used to hic sing it to me in the car. Well anyway buddy thanks for hic listening!"
"Yeah…bye then um…?"
"Maka!"
"…Black Star…need a ride home in my godly car?"
The one in the cinema, then the take away, then her garden, then his place…
Tsubaki had never had a stalker; she never thought she was really the type for being stalked.
It had started out innocent enough, she'd seen him from across the concession stands, he'd ordered salted popcorn and accidently knocked her drink over. He wasn't good at apologising and his friends were waiting by the queue so he had to rush off, she brushed it off as bad karma and continued on her way.
He liked Chinese food she discovered later on at our local take-away, someone who seemed to own only suits enjoyed eating out the plastic containers –Tsubaki was flabbergasted – later she discovered it was simply because he'd never really learnt how to look after himself.
The dark haired girl attempted to teach the boy how to use chopsticks; he almost poked his own eye out.
A day went past before she saw her would-be stalker once again, in her garden in the rain holding a pot plant and looking rather confused.
"You're name's Tsubaki right?"
She didn't really want to ask how he knew but invited him in anyway.
The one with the great timing
"Hi."
Kid glanced at the scantily clad girl who smelt strongly of alcohol and promptly felt his panic metre explode right into the stratosphere.
"Hey," he replied – go away drunken lady!
"You here alone?" She continued, ignorant to his obvious discomfort.
No, I'm here with my equally drunk friends.
"Yeah," a Cheshire cat like grin crawled across her features and she draped herself against his awkward form, pressing him up against the wall he'd been leaning against.
"I'm Tammy," she cooed into his ear – Kid tried to push her off but his hands on her waist only seemed to egg her on, "wanna go somewhere more private?"
"Um. Well I'm not really sure if I-"
"Come on," she nearly whined, tugging at his collar, "you just need to get to know me a bit better."
"I don't know if I-" he spluttered, trying to pull away – she wrapped a leg round his pulling him closer.
Suddenly a hand clapped down on his shoulder, pulling him roughly away from the demon woman's grasp, Kid blinked as he found a new arm wrapped around his waist – pulling him tightly against the unknown person's form.
"You want to be his girlfriend?" The new arrival barked, the girl nodded nervously, looking between the two, "well. He's my girlfriend. Deal."
It took Kid 10 minutes, one shot and a slap on the back to get his voice working again.
"GIRLFRIEND?!" he shrieked, voice cracking as he glared at his rescuer.
"Call me Black Star sugar."
The one with the vampires
His eyes hungrily tore into hers, the scent of her potent, pounding blood nearly driving him over the brink of his self control. With well practised ease he slipped an arm behind her back, nuzzling against her neck.
"Heh! That tickles!"
"Ssh! We're doing this properly."
So close, he could almost taste the delicious liquid now as he gently traced the hammering vein with his tongue-
"Ew! Are you trying to give me a hickey?! You're slobbering all over me!"
"Would you keep still?! You're making this very difficult for me!"
"Hehe – OW!"
He bit down gently, not enough to break the skin but just the right amount to here her gasp in plea-
"That was not pleasure you ass! Stop biting me!"
"Well I am a vampire. What do you want me to do?! Play the piano? Beat up werewolves…sparkle!?"
Patti could barely understand his words, her mind to slurred with the delightful feeling of his hands on her-
"You want to BITE me?!"
"Listen, you're ruining this for me. Sit. Still."
-on her newly exposed skin. Kid was not the prince of vampires for no reason his artful seduction was-
"SHIT! Oh OW! Did you just break my nose!?"
"Stop trying to drink me! I am not a vending machine you undead freak!"
"Oh ow! I'm bleeding, bleeding over here!"
"I'll go get the band aid you pansy…"
The one with the OC
Her luscious long purple hair flowed elegantly down her corset covered back, sapphire eyes glowing in the fading light. She had travelled many miles, over baron countryside to reach the hallowed ground of Shibusen, her parents had thrown her out after the incident with the village school – where he satanic powers manifested – her fake parents anyway, she had only just discovered her true heritage as an experiment-
CRACK.
"Damn that's the third one this week…" Spirit muttered, watching as the woman's head rolled around at his feet.
"Hey!" He jerked round, a man in a swivel chair met his gaze with open hostility, "that was my kill you! I was going to dissect her!"
"You know their immune to torture..."
"But it would be so…satisfying…"
"…this could be the start of a beautiful relationship."
The one with the pepper spray
'-and now over to Terry with the 6 o'clock news.'
'Haha! Thanks Ted, well it's a bad week for those in our little town, a local rapist has just escaped from the asylum and the police are frantically-'
"Tch," with a flick of the wrist the young Shinigami watched as the screen faded to black, honestly – he didn't pay $60 a month to watch misery, disaster and death on his-
"Erm hi."
Kid felt his heart drop into China as he gaped at the fully grown man that had suddenly materialized into his living room.
"…I'm Noah…you wouldn't by chance want to sell that one of a kind-"
"Stay back! I have MACE!"
The one with the protesting
"2, 4, 6, 8 women are just as great!" Maka brandished her 'justice for women' sign ever higher, marching just outside the shibusen headquarters. What gave men the right to battle and not women!?
"Justice for women!" She hollered, the old man yelped and limped away as fast as his Zimmer frame could carry him, satisfied that some progress had been made Maka begin pacing the steps of the office, attempted to throw a brick through the window but stopped when the security guards began unclipping their guns.
"Free the giraffes! Free them!" Maka spun on her heal to glare at the intruder.
"Hey! Blondie! This is my protest! Get your own!" The giraffe lover spun round to glare at Maka, something in the slightly insane way she did it made the younger girl back up a tad.
"You gotta problem with me shorty?! Huh?!" the elder girl then walloped Maka round the head with her sign leaving both girls rather stunned at the exchange.
"You didn't just-" SMACK. "Oh. It's on now."
THUMP.
CRASH.
BANG.
"…wanna…grab…a coffee?"
"Yay donuts!"
The one with group therapy
"Hi…what are you in for?"
"Dissecting the innocent, you?"
"Tried to rearrange the earth to fit my aesthetics."
"Nice."
"Yeah."
The one with the sinner
His heart slammed against the inside of his rib cage, lungs beating his skin into a dough as they fought a desperate battle for air. Nothing was surrounding him, engulfing him, drowning his very essence.
The knife in his hand was unsteady, whether through nerves or adrenaline he couldn't tell – all he knew at that second was that he'd done it.
He'd murdered.
The world was red.
"I've been watching you for a long time Asura," the voice was thick, rich and full of omnipotent power. The boy jumped, knife clattering to the floor as he gazed into the golden eyes of death itself.
The reaper smiled, it was by far a friendly gesture.
"You have lied, you have killed, you have lusted and horded…" the reaper seemed amused as he continued to list his ever amounting sins, Asura stumbled back slightly – tripping over the remains of his latest victim.
"Yet you are in luck…my father has decided to give you another chance," death was closer now, he could make out the black iris's, the skull shaped cuff links on his pristine suit – death's child was drawing closer.
"Dare you make a deal with the devil?"
The one with the revolution
"I am here because I've been told you're the best," She paused, her green eyes burning through the very souls of those assembled in the dingy store room, "you're not afraid to get the job done by whatever means necessary."
One of them, the white haired noble who'd run away from home, shifted slightly – his red eyes sending a quake of repressed anxiety down her spine.
"You're all here," she ploughed on despite her mouth being so dry and her knees barely able to support her weight much longer, "because the demon god has taken something from you."
Someone chuckled, golden eyes flashed in the dark and the demon sisters each shared a hate filled glance.
"Taken something," she repeated – her voice not quite able to mask her unease any longer – a quick moment to collect her thoughts before ploughing on, "some of you are older than I am," a nod in the direction of the men and women toward the back, her mother's closest friends, "some of you aren't human."
The rainbow of eye colour shifts to meet her gaze, a pregnant silence falls as everyone waits for her words.
"Some of you are killers…some of you have been killed," that sentence felt odd on her tongue but the information she'd gathered had proved it all – "I am not asking for allies. I am not asking for friendship or loyalty. I do not want your trust nor have use for it."
Something stirs within the girl, a sense of purpose and confidence that makes her hands slam off the table and the spectators await her next words with baited breath.
"What I ask for is your power. Your hatred, body, mind and soul."
Breath.
Maka's lips quirk into a smile gone wrong.
"I want you to become my pawns in the game against insanity itself." Her heart hammers in her chest and her throat is raw from dehydration.
"Till checkmate."
The pawns smile.