Title: The internet is for...shopping?
Summary: When Asura is in need of a new batch of scarves and going to a store isn't a an option...
Pairing: Asura/Scarf?
Author: Not Jack Frost
Theme: Asura in a scarf shop.
A/N.: I have caught the crack bug. Rawr. Fear the good-natured uncle gone insane.

No doubt, leaving laundry duty to Giriko had been a bad idea. All inhabitants of the Baba Yaga castle had agreed on something for the first time. And while the mistress walked around in her spare black gown and Mosquito settled for a pink shirt, Asura was in need of some new scarves.

Seeing as going to town wasn't an option (the last trip had ended in a drastic decrease of the poor city's population), somebody suggested:

"Why not try an online shop?"

Easier said than done. And no, there was no hardware issue. Nor did the castle have connection issues. Wi-Fi was a saving grace in the middle of nowhere, allowing Arachne to update her RevengeJournal and Giriko to watch... cartoons. Let's leave it at that.

And so, the Kishin Asura ventured into the depths of the world-wide web. What could possibly go wrong, really?

'YOU ARE THE LUCKY 9001th WINNER!'

With a high-pitched scream, Asura scooted away from the laptop, huddling in a corner. The obnoxiously colourful advertisement sparkled with numerous smiley faces, taunting the frightful Kishin. So, Asura thought, this is what that demon-chainsaw had warned me about. Those wretched pop-ups...

Nevertheless, the need for a new piece of fabric to wrap around his face made Asura gather the little bit of courage he possessed. Slowly, prepared for more surprise attacks, the god of madness approached Arachne's spider-themed laptop yet again.

Finding an online store went without a hitch. The process of shopping, however...

"I need to register?!" Asura screeched under his breath.

But formalities were formalities and the now slightly irritated man clicked the big red button.

'Name. Last name.'

"A-s-u-r-a..." the keys clicked under the man's bony fingers. The first set of input fields was finished in no time.

'E-mail.'

This was as easy as peeling the skin off a few feeble humans.

"T3hmadnessgod at live dot com..." pronouncing each word just to make sure he remembered correctly, Asura continued to fill in the form.

The next line left the man pondering for quite some time:

'Address.'

Grudgingly, the demon god left the security of Arachne's room and went to roam the castle. Searching for somebody that knew the exact location of the place proved to be complicated for a few reasons. One – the one asking was none other then the Kishin himself. Two – secret hideouts don't have building numbers or streets-signs...

One hour later, after finally having an address, Asura returned to his main task. Enjoying a few salvaged souls along the way. Nobody dares to laugh at his questions without paying the full price. Speaking of cost... The man rummaged through his pockets, searching for the credit card he had found lying on the floor right next to that last underling. Luck was on Asura's side at the best possible moments. Now...

'Date of birth.'

The demon screeched in anger. Out of all possible difficulties and roadblocks... No. He wasn't giving up this easily. So what if the 'year' drop-down didn't have dates before 1900? He will just have to choose a random one. Yes, he thought, that was so simple to overcome; no need to panic... yet..

And so, the process of registering was over... Putting his selected garments into his virtual shopping cart and clicking the 'Confirm order' button, Asura let out a sigh of relief. Stressful. Never again. And he waited. Waited for the day his purchase would arrive.

"Asura, darling," Arachne closed the massive door behind her. "There's a package for you."

Cracking open an eye, the Kishin roller over from his face-down position on the bed and got up. Approaching the witch and taking his long-awaited order, Asura let a rare grin cross his pale features... Finally... His new scarves... His precious...

"WHAT?!"

"Now, now..."

"I ORDERED ONE-HUDRED PERCENT PURE WOOL! WHAT IS THIS PIECE OF SYNTHETIC..."

The last word drowned in the sound of shattering brick and metal. Asura had found the paper with the return address...

'And on tonight's news: a famous Internet shopping company had been attacked by an unknown force. All the employees had mysteriously vanished and the company's warehouses were demolished in mere seconds. The police have yet to release an official statement..."

Click.

"I told you that switching the packages would be fun?" a slightly drunk Giriko slurred.

"If this is your idea of fun..." Mosquito sipped his own glass of blood. "But a bet is a bet. How much do I owe you, master Giriko?"