A/N: This is a parody of Dark Shadows and a song from You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown

Lights up. Julia is sitting behind a large box which serves as a desk. The sign overhead reads "THE DOCTOR IS IN." Barnabas enters.

Barnabas: Oh, Julia, I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do.

Julia: I'm sorry to hear that, Barnabas. Maybe there's something I can do to help. I think that the best thing would be for you to come out and admit everything that's wrong with you.

Barnabas: Do you really think that will help?

Julia: Certainly.

Barnabas: Very well, I'll try.
(sings)
Who cares if I'm handsome and clever and lucid?
So what if I like drinking plasma for dinner?
I've always been known for my paranoid mood swings and kidnapping, choking and killing off extras.
I think that I'm splendid at parties and dances
But I stand like a stick or flies land on my face.
Or I murder the hostess
or bite Nancy Barrett
Start swinging my cane
and I spill all the claret
Oh, how could there possibly be
one fine person so thoroughly, totally, utterly bad as me.

Julia: (speaks) Well, that's okay for a starter.

Barnabas: A starter?

Julia: Certainly. You don't think that mentioning these few superficial failings is going to do you any good, do you? Why, Barnabas, you really have to delve.
(sings)
You're stubborn, self-centered and moody.

Barnabas: I'm moody.

Julia: You're terribly dull to be with.

Barnabas: Yes, I am.
And nobody likes me, not Maggie or Roger or Vicky or David…

Julia: Or Julia.

Barnabas: Or Julia.

Julia: Or Willie.

Barnabas: Or Wil—
(speaks) Wait a minute, now. Willie likes me.

Julia: He only pretends to like you because you beat him. That doesn't count.

Barnabas: (sings) Or Willie.
Oh, why was I born just to be
One fine person so thoroughly, totally, utterly—

Julia: Wait!
You're not such a very nice person.

Barnabas: That's certain.

Julia: And yet there is reason for hope.

Barnabas: There's hope?

Julia: For, although you are no good at drinking like Roger
Or pouting like David
Or mugging . . . like me
You have the distinction to be
No one else but the number one reason our ratings are great.

Barnabas: It's me!

Julia: Oh yes
It's amazingly true
For whatever it's worth, Barnabas
It's you.

Barnabas: (speaks) Quite extraordinary. I'm beginning to feel better already. You're a true friend, Julia, a true friend.

Julia: That'll be five cents, please.

Blackout.