A/N: okay so here's the next chapter. I'm sooooo sorry that it took a long time to get it out, but unfortunately I have an accelerated summer school program going on so updates aren't going to be as frequent as i hoped they would be. Anyways I plan on getting the next chapter out ASAP. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: It all belongs to SM

Failing to Admit

Chapter 5

Edward's POV

It was September 12, 2085. My monotonous life was going nowhere. Everything was the same, nothing changed. It never did. Tomorrow was a day that I tried to block as much as possible. For the past seven years I had been trying to keep in as much pain as possible. Not that there was anyone to hide it from, but if I didn't hold it back then I couldn't function properly. I had hoped that in time I would get over it, but nothing got any easier. It was a terrible never-ending ache that constantly became more acute as time went on. I couldn't believe that nothing had changed. Seven. Seven years. She had been gone, but I can't help but get the feeling that something big is coming. I'm no Alice but I'm positive that this is a true feeling.

I couldn't tell if something bad was going to happen or not. Tomorrow. It was all going to happen tomorrow. I could only guess that something bad was going to happen. Nothing good could come of tomorrow. The date only reminded of me of something that I had gone out of my way to try and ignore. Everyday for the past seven years I had tied to no avail to keep the pain at bay, and everyday it just got worse. I passed from darkness into shadows and back again. Nothing ever changed, so, same as always, I dropped into a realm of darkness that I couldn't escape.

I came out of the darkness the next day, September 13, only to find that all hope of keeping the pain away was drowned. I felt like I was in a torture chamber. I could feel myself falling apart at the seams. I wanted to drown myself. Or shoot myself. At that point either one of the two would have been preferable over the agony that I was enduring right now. I couldn't help but wonder, for just a moment, why I was feeling this was. It was like I had swallowed burning fire. There was something familiar about it hovering at my consciousness but it seemed as if it was a foreboding memory. It was just there waiting for me to pick it up and being to burn all over again.

It was worse than facing my own personal demon- but I would chose this over letting Bella become a monster any day. No matter what the cost, it was worth saving her soul. I wouldn't be able to handle it if she was in pain because of me- because of my kind.

Still I'd never had this much of a physical response to he not being there. Or to her birthday. I couldn't understand why it hurt so much.

My thought process wasn't cooling the pain. Nothing would and I knew it. There was nothing that would push away my guilt completely. I was going to be lost in this sea of loneliness for the rest of my never-ending existence. Every thought that they could relate, but they were dead wrong. Losing a mother, or even a past life had nothing on losing the one person that you were sure you would love forever. No, that would never be, and I had the split heart to prove it. Not only did I lose my heart but my head as well. It was ridiculous that I should lose everything because of a stupid thing that I couldn't take back. I would never get Bella back. I had realized this a few days after she was… gone.

There was nothing that I could do to bring her back. She was really and truly gone. There was no way that she would show up and hug me telling that she forgave me, like she had for all of my past mistakes. There was nothing anyone could do.

Nothing. Humans saw nothing and now, apparently, vampires missed all the important details.

Alice tried talking to me but everything she said went in one ear and out the other. I was hoping she wouldn't notice, but being Alice, of course she did.

"Edward," She spoke softly, as if I was going to shatter if she spoke above a whisper. It was quite possible that I would if she did. I could fell myself falling deep into a black pit. The bottom could only be filled with horrible shadows, or if it was meant to torture me then perhaps it was filled with the spirits of those who I had taken lives from.

"You have to go out and eat something," she had said a few weeks after she had…gone. I had tried at first. I had gone out and captured a few deer and a bear. Not the best meal but I couldn't even taste it as it went down. I normally would have been sitting in my room staring at the Debussy album that she used to listen to. The only reason that I actually went out was because Alice had reminded me that she had told me to not try to kill myself. I had to admit that by starving myself, I was making a poor attempt at suicide.

After that first trip I just stopped going because the blood wasn't doing anything to help me. It was draining me of the energy that I had. I gained energy from the blood and then I used it to get more blood that drained me of it yet again. It was a vicious cycle that I couldn't see myself stopping anytime soon.

I saw a hand flash in front of my vision. Sound came back to me and I found myself being shaking by a tiny person.

"HELLO EDWARD? YOU STILL THERE? EDWARD!" I shook my head.

"Calm down, Alice, there's no need to yell straight into my ear." I sighed.

"What are you talking about," she scowled at me.

"I'm saying that I'm not deaf, I can hear perfectly fine." I said in a bored tone. She looked at me as if I was crazy for a minute.

"Edward I was yelling at you for ten minutes straight before I started shaking you." She said in a depressed sort of tone. She sounded defeated, like there was no hope left. Come to think of it, this was the most animation she had shown since she had passed. I was suddenly aware that Alice was speaking again.

"-I mean maybe you should get away from here." I had only heard the last part of her sentence, but we'd had this discussion enough times for me to know where this was heading.

"There is no way I'm going anywhere Alice, you know I have my reasons." I said in a firm tone.

"That may be so, but do you truly know what you're waiting for?" She said right before she twirled around and left.

Maybe Alice was right. Maybe burning was what I was waiting for. Maybe I deserved all of the pain. But there was absolutely no way that I was leaving Forks, just because of a bit of pain.

Memories may make me weak but perhaps the pain will make it bearable- make me stronger, and it's all because of the waves of eternal pain.

A/N: okay so if you couldn't tell this was a filler chapter and as a quick reminder, September 13 is Bella's b-day. Alright so you know the drill, REVIEW!