Author's Note:
Here is my little update for this fic. I'm going to be doing a few different ones that involve this whole situation with them, where they can talk things out. I hope you enjoy and review if you would like! Thanks for reading!
"Harm, Sarah, I'm Doctor Miller. It is very nice to meet you." The man says, stepping into the waiting room to meet the nervous couple.
Mac extends her hand first, "Everyone just calls me Mac… we appreciate you fitting us in."
Then with a handshake with Harm, the doctor leads them into his office. The couches were plush and the paint and surroundings instantly reminded both of them of Mac's apartment in D.C. The walls had a pale shade of beige to them and wood furniture was dark, and it was inviting.
"Why don't you sit down and tell me about yourselves. Sarah… oh… Mac let me in on why we're here today when she set up the appointment, but no more than that, so I want to know about the two of you. How did you meet?"
"We were assigned to the same case when I was a Lieutenant Commander and she was a Major in the Marines." Harm offers up to the doctor.
"So you're both military then?"
"Harm is still in, but I resigned my commission." Mac says simply.
"What made you decide to leave the Marines?"
"I didn't necessarily want to, but both of us couldn't stay in if we wanted to get married because of new assignments."
"So you got different assignments and chose to keep up the relationship instead of keeping the job standings?"
They turn to each other with a smile, knowing that their relationship and how it really came to be was a shock to any outsider. How do you even put to words all that the two had been through over the years and make it not sound like insanity.
"We weren't really in a relationship, but the night before we were both supposed to leave, he proposed and I said yes."
The doctor's eyebrows raise at that, and he asks them to expand on that.
"Harm and I have been partners and friends for years and we always just had this chemistry between the two of us, but we couldn't act on it."
"Because?"
Then they turn to each other with looks that the doctor instantly recognizes as two people who can't make sense of some of their past decisions. The silence lasts for a few minutes before the doctor decides that this is an area worth exploring.
"And that is our starting point." He says when they turn back to him with blank looks. "I assume that the military has rules about dating when you are working together, but something tells me there was more that was holding you back. Mac, what held you back?"
"My past and our situations. We would be in and out with each other and sending these messages between each other that said one thing and then it would change. One of us would want it, and the other couldn't reciprocate because of another relationship or another issue. Then the other would want it finally and the same thing would happen."
"So tell me this… have you always wanted the two of you to be together?"
"After an incident, I had to see someone to debrief myself because I was having a hard time… she seemed to think that I always had him in the back of my mind. I told her that if I had a dollar for every time I had wondered about that thought I'd be rich."
"And again, what did you think?"
"I did. I made some choices that told him that I didn't, but I did."
"What kind of choices?"
"I accepted another man's ring a few years into our partnership. More recently, I told him at one point that we were never going to happen."
"Why?"
"Because I didn't think he would ever be ready. We are two very hard headed people used to being in the driver's seat and it wouldn't work."
"Harm, what do you think about all that?" he says, making a note before turning to Harm for a response.
"She's right about all of it. I think that every time I was ready, she wasn't. Every time she was, I wasn't. We couldn't meet at the same time. The few times we thought we had, something came along to ruin it."
"And what about you? Have you always wanted the two of you to be together?"
"It took a year or so, but yes."
"And it was instantaneous for you, Mac?"
"I would say the same as him. We were always friendly and then one day I just saw him in a different way." She says, remembering the first time she looked at him and felt the sparks.
"So Mac, tell me three things you thought stood in the way of the two of you being together all those years."
"Oh, he knows that it was other relationships, our job, and his father."
"Harm, what do you think?"
"Her past, our job, and Brumby."
"I do understand the job part of this, but the others you are going to have to fill me in on. Harm, what does your father have to do with you and Mac?"
"He was MIA in Vietnam, and it was something that I carried with me the first few years we were working together. At one point she flew halfway around the world with me and risked her life to help me find him. She was there when I learned how he died. I admit that it was an obsession of mine."
"Why did you go with him, Mac?"
She sits for a moment after the doctor asks, trying to come up with an idea as to why she went with him then. "It meant a lot to him to find his father. He needed someone and I spoke the language. I wanted to put myself into a new light for him… I wanted him to know that I would always be there for him. I had already realized that my feelings for him were more than we were letting on. I loved him and I knew that he needed that support around him, whatever the outcome."
"Okay, and he mentioned your past being in the way. You mentioned when you spoke with me about your alcoholism. Is that what he is talking about?"
"Partly, but there are other issues that have led me to keep people at a distance. My father was a drunk and beat my mother on a regular basis. When I turned fifteen, she abandoned me, and left me with him. He died a few years ago and sent for me while he was dying and I just couldn't forgive him until the priest at the hospice showed that he had been keeping tabs on me. I knew then that he had loved me, but he never made the effort to find me or come to me when he was alive. I saw my mother for the first time since she left that day too. Talking with her made me realize that she would always abandon me and anything she cared about. I guess I've always thought that I was a little like her in that way."
"How does that apply to your relationship with Harm?"
"I'm worried that even though he loves me, he'll leave me somehow. Or, I worry that I'll leave him too."
"But I won't." Harm says, turning towards her, "You and I have been through enough to show you that I won't leave you, Mac. I couldn't."
"I've told you that my heart knows that, Harm. My brain just can't seem to understand why anyone would stay when everyone else has always left."
"And I know that you think you would leave. You tried it the other day… but now we know that I'm not going to let you go. We've got to know that about each other."
They are all quiet for a moment, letting that thought sink in.
"The two of you are in a lot better place than you think you are. I understand from listening why you wanted to talk to someone, but it is very clear to me that you love each other very much. You have a bumpy past, but it is a past that you aren't hiding from each other, which is important. I think that individually you each need to come to terms with things in your past before you can let go of some things between the two of you."
They nod their heads and Harm reaches over to join his hand with hers.
"Where do you want this to go?"
Looking at each other for a moment, Harm decides to talk first, "I want her to be confident in what we have. I want to be able to communicate with her better, and I know that we both want to get to a place where we can start trying for a family."
"Mac?" the doctor says, turning to her after jotting down Harm's goals.
"I want to be in a good place to start trying for our family, I want to trust him more, and I want to put my past behind me."
"These all sound like attainable goals to me. It may take us more than a few times to sort through everything in the past, but I know that we can get the two of you communicating in a better way than before. How does that sound?"
"That sounds great." Harm says, and Mac nods after him.
"And now, I'd like for the two of you to do an assignment for next week. I want you to write down the three biggest fears you have. It doesn't have to be with each other, but the three biggest fears you have for the future. Then we'll talk about it next week, but don't share before then."
Harm and Mac stand up, shaking his hand before walking out to their car. It had been a trying few weeks and they both realized more than ever how much they needed to rely on each other.
"I liked him." She says buckling her seatbelt and turning to him.
"I did too. We do have a lot to talk about though… he's right."
"I just thought that we were good with so much though, you know? I thought that once the two of us were together that all that other stuff would fall away."
"I know, but apparently we need to talk more about all of that." He says, knowing that it was hard for both of them to get through talking about any of that. They never had any kind of relationship before each other with family or friends where they could talk through some of these things.
"You and I have always been good with each other on the easy stuff, but I guess the hard stuff wasn't something that came up."
They timed their session so that when they got out, Harm could take her over to an AA meeting. He sat in the car and worked on paperwork and she worked through what had happened the past month. She had told him that she had wanted to go to the meetings, but she couldn't bring herself to go after years of being so in control of everything. With all the craziness that the two of them went through, the fact that she hadn't slipped up before astounded her when this hit. When she admitted that she couldn't take herself, he found a group that met at a time where he could take her and work while she went.
They were small steps, but they were steps in the right direction.